Couples Spell Love... T I M E

Could your marriage use some help?   Would you like to feel alive and excited about your marriage?  Would you like some ideas to make marriage better?

In 30 years of marriage counseling, I found there were 10 strengths of a great marriage.  

Couple Time is #1 of the 10 strengths of a great marriage.  This week I share how "Couple Time" helped  Trisha and Ben  survived an affair.  

Transcript

Marriage part 1: Couples spell love T I M E.  

Warning, The following podcast about marriage is not for little ears. You might want to use earbuds for this one.  

I have to protect the identity of my clients, so just the important parts of this story are true.

I want to share the story of Trisha and Ben. 

When they came in, Trisha said, “I’m here because he cheated on me.” Big tears and lots of Kleenex. More tears. I ran out of Kleenex.  

She said, “I still don’t trust him. He tells me he loves me and wants to rebuild our marriage. but it’s been six months, and I still don’t believe him. I still feel wretched. I have the papers ready to file for divorce.”

Ben said, “I know what I did was so wrong. It really hurt her. We have tried lots of things and nothing is working. We decided we’d give counseling a try. Do you think you can save our marriage?” 

I said, “Well, I can teach you 10 Strengths of a Great Marriage, and I can give you assignments to make new habits, but I don’t save marriages. Saving your marriage is completely up to you.”

Ben had started a business. Things were going well, then he came under governmental scrutiny. He had to make tremendous efforts to save the business. He brought home work every night. He worked all weekend.   He ignored his family. When he wasn’t on his laptop, he was distant and preoccupied. Trisha had to do everything. She felt resentful. She felt invisible and couldn’t get close to her husband.  

Then the business started to thrive. They'd bought a bigger, nicer house for their four children. BothTrisha and Ben served in volunteer positions of responsibility in their church unit. To everyone else they looked like the ideal couple. Ben said, “Don’t you appreciate the sacrifices I’ve made to get the bigger house?”  

Trisha said, “No, because you don’t want me.”

He said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t make time for you.”

Trisha said, “Oh, but he could make time for her. There’s this part of me that just hates you, you’re so selfish.”   

Ben explained that Trisha was also complicit in the demise of the marriage. She got fed up with him working nights and the demands of the kids, so she got a job where she worked as a caretaker for a elderly woman. She was gone from 6:30 pm to 7:30 am. This forced him to put the kids to bed by himself.   

So, Ben felt like Trisha had deserted him, and after a few months of being all alone at night, he stopped attending to his business and started attending to the pop ups from social media. He reconnected with a woman he knew in high school.  

She was in a terrible marriage with a physically abusive husband. At first he was just being her friend and listening to her problems, giving her emotional support. They started face-timing almost every night while her husband played his video games. 

He knew it was wrong and he tried several times to talk to his wife about his feelings, but their conversations were just anger and arguments.   

He said, “I miss you. Let's try counseling.”  But she couldn’t hear it, she was so angry about his lack of attention, and she wanted to punish him

Then Ben and his old girlfriend started to arrange lunch meetings. It was so wonderful to have someone who wanted him, who wanted to spend time with him. Emotional intimacy led to physical intimacy. Like with most new relationships, there was a tremendous dopamine rush. Soon they were making plans to divorce their spouses.   

Trisha was looking for an address on her husband’s phone. You can imagine how shocked she was to find texts from his lover. She was devastated, she cried for a week. Then she printed off the divorce papers.

I said, “So let me get this straight. Ben, first you started  bringing work home, working so hard at night and weekends. Then, Trisha, you were so lonely and angry at Ben, you got a job at night, so he’d have to interact with the kids and put them to bed. Then you didn’t see him nights or weekends.  And now Ben has had an affair. 

“So tell me, guys, how are these choices working for you?”

Then I started to do my job as a counselor. We started having them summarize and reflect each other.  

Trisha would say, “It was the lowest point of my life the week I found out you were cheating. I got so depressed, I was suicidal.”  

And Ben would have to say, “Nothing has hurt you as bad as I hurt you.”

They had stopped caring about the needs and feelings of their spouse. It was my job to try to get them to care about each other again by really listening to each other and instead of screaming, to summarize and reflect. Research shows it’s actually having the spouse listen to the emotions that works in emotionally focused therapy.

In session three, when the story was completely out, and all the wounds laid bare, the couple started to apologize.  

Ben said, “I see my mistake. I’m sorry I didn’t make time for you and the kids. I’m so sorry I gave attention to her.”

Trisha said, “I’m sorry I deserted the family, especially you. And I'm sorry I refused to go to counseling.”

Let’s talk about their homework. In session one, I’d said,”Let’s take a look at the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship. I believe there are 10 Strengths in a great marriage.  

“You are going to rate them from 0-10 with 10 high:

“1. Couple Time, per week

“Let’s start with the Importance of couple time. Willard Harley, marriage counselor and author of the book, “His Needs, Her Needs,” says he believes couples need about 15 hours a week.  How many hours do the two of you spend, no kids, no screens, just talking?” 

Trisha said, “Our son has special needs so it’s hard to get a babysitter. I get a date, if my mom comes from another state to visit.  Maybe two times a year.”  

Ben said, “Oh, it wasn’t that bad.”

Trisha said, “Ben, be honest, when you started your new business, you became a workaholic, and I never got Couple Time.”

Ben said, “Well, it wasn’t just me. When you got your night job, I’m sitting alone every night feeling totally rejected. You really abandoned us.” 

They were both too mad to speak right then, so I said, “Uh, okay, let’s score that one. Couple Time - zip zero zilch.”

2. Sexual Fulfillment 

Ben said, “In the beginning we both wanted each other so much. I’d say a 10. It was wonderful. But now she’s sleeping in another bedroom.”  

“Trisha spit out, “After what he’s done, I’m so mad, I never want him to touch me again.”  

 I said, “So you’d score sexual fulfillment from a ten to zero.” They nodded.  

3. Communication, Emotional Support, Conflict resolution.  

They  gave the marriage a one on emotional support.

We went through the following categories, and they scored each other on:

4. Spiritual Leader

5. Affection

6. Gratitude, Compliments

7. Keep yourself up, Exercise, Eat healthy, 

8. Growth and Development, Mental Stimulation, Taking Classes, Starting a Business, etc.

9. Good Parent  

Trisha said, “Well, now he is forced to put the kids to bed and actually talk to them, he’s doing better than he was.” She’d say a 7.

10 Financial Support, Domestic Support 

Trisha gave Ben a ten on Financial Support. She said this was probably the biggest strength of the marriage. But she gave him a 0 on Domestic Support. She said, “He doesn’t ever help with the house or the kids.”

I said, “That can be okay on the domestic and financial support. It's  different for each couple. What matters is you’ve discussed things, and it feels fair. Did you do that?”

Ben jumps in. “I have to work such long hours because you keep running up the credit card buying new stuff for the house.”   

Of course every couple is different on these 10 Strengths.  Some marriages don’t have recreational companionship or affection or lots of compliments and gratitude, but they strengthen others areas and make it work. I worked with a couple who were both same gender attracted.  Though they were sexually faithful to each other, intimacy was not an important part of their marriage. They were both highly intelligent, and their discussions were the most important aspect of their marriage.

When we were done scoring with Trisha and Ben, I said, “There’s a lot of damage here. There are a lot of things to fix. I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. Just baby steps.” I asked the couple to look at the scores and try to listen for some inspiration on where to work first.

Both Trisha and Ben felt impressed that he should give up working at home at night, that she should give up her night job, and they should try to spend time alone together and try to love each other again.

At first, the idea of spending time together was repulsive. They were so angry, they always had an argument. At first, they had to bring all their arguments into session so they could get them resolved with me acting as a referee. And it was not a tame basketball game, it was more like street basketball.

Couple Time dates were painful too. It had been so long since they had fun together that even going out to dinner was agony.

Trisha said, “Why would I want to spend time with him? I hate him.”   

I said, “Oh, I think that’s a very important question. Why. When people find their why, they are much more motivated and likely to succeed.

“Trisha, why do you want to fix this marriage?”

Trisha said, “When we got married, it was for eternity. It’s our duty to honor those covenants.” 

I said, “So true, so true. That's good, but I think you can find something a little more motivational.”

Ben said, “My parents are divorced. It was awful moving between houses. We owe it to our kids to be a good example of working on marriage.” 

I said, “Good. That's so true. But, Ehh. It’s still a little Ehh, weak sauce. Have you got anything stronger? Maybe some emotional or spiritual reasons?”

They looked blankly at each other.

For the best of spirituality, let me read you something by Philosopher Adam Miller about the why:

"Something changes when you are in love. It's not just that a new person is added to your life, one person among many, it's that this new person changes for you what it means to be alive. Life is no longer just lived. Now life is lived in love, you may keep the same job, have the same friends and eat the same food. But something basic about why you do these things or even how you do them will have changed. In love, life as a whole feels different. You see what you didn't use to see, you hear what you didn't use to hear, you care for things you'd ignored. You become capable of doing things that last week you weren't able to do. Life in Christ is like this. In Christ, the way I live, my manner of living, is changed from the inside out. Like being in love, living in Christ changes what it means to be alive." (Miller, Adam S., An Early Resurrection: Life in Christ Before You Die. Deseret Book 2018)

“So, emotionally and spiritually, why try to fix this marriage?”

Ben said, “I remember our first 8 years of marriage. There were challenges, but we loved each other. I did feel capable of doing things I’d never done before because you loved me.” 

Trisha said, “I did love you. We were a power couple and built our first house and volunteered with the youth at church and we played with our cute babies.”

Trisha said, “I believe if we could fix our marriage, we would change from the inside out. We could cleave, we could feel alive again.”

I agree. “You know, there’s a scripture, ‘we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ,’ (2 Nephi 25:26) but in all our talking and learning, have we learned how to live in Christ? What does a life in Christ look like for your marriage?”

Ben said, "For me the definition of ‘Alive in Christ’ is to love and to serve. The most important person I need to serve is my wife. By spending time with her.”

After about 13 sessions, they said Couple Time was a habit and decided they didn’t need me as a referee any more. They would solve their own problems without me. They had overcome so much distrust, pain and hatred. I told them, “Uh guys, I think you’re done. I guess my objective in counseling is to get people to stop coming.”  I said, I sure hope you will fire me now.”

The Best of Psychology Analysis: I first ran into the idea of couple time in the book “His Needs, Her Needs.”  It’s six things that a man needs in marriage and six things a woman needs in marriage. Harley’s #1 suggestion for a good marriage is quality couple time. The author states that couples need 15 hours a week without children or other distractions, just hanging together, talking, laughing and doing things they both enjoy.  Harley even has as one of the six needs for men “Recreation Time,” and there’s a section at the back of the book with hundreds of activities listed.  Each spouse goes through and rates the activities with a 1, 2, or 3, in interest level,, so that a couple can find something they both enjoy.

  I was a land animal interested in jogging and horse riding. My first husband was an athletic fish and qualified for the Olympics in backstroke. We were so different it looked like there was nothing we both had in common to do for our recreational time. Luckily, we were able to find bike riding in common.  I’m not talking about a steep mountainside single track, I’m talking about a granny seat by the lake.

You may wonder, how in the world can you get close to 15 hours a week of couple time? I assignedTrisha and Ben to find a time for Couple Time  where they spent an hour each night. And two dates each weekend. Couple Time has just two questions:

1. What are you worried or anxious about today? (and then follow up questions)

2. What are you excited or grateful for today? (and then follow up questions)

At first, we had to practice Couple Time in therapy because they were just so hurt and mad at each other. “What are you always anxious about?” “I’m worried that you’re going to cheat on me again. I saw that text on your phone from a number I didn’t recognize.” Then a big fight would start.   Trisha and Ben made a rule not to get in a fight during couple time. They would save fights for Therapy.  But eventually they became masters of Emotional Support and Conflict Resolution and used Couple Time at night to talk out their hurts and frustrations with each other.

Psychology teaches us that secure attachment makes the best marriages.  Bonding is only available to those who pay the price: the requisite Couple Time each week.