Patreon Link What if understanding trauma as a part of life could transform your healing journey? Join us on this heartfelt episode of Wednesdays with Watson as we travel to Oak Hill Baptist Church in Waycross, Georgia, and delve into the profound impact of trauma, faith, and community. I share my personal testimony of overcoming immense challenges to deliver a message that everyone is seen, known, heard, loved, and valued by God. You'll hear about my own journey, from identifying myself through my traumas to discovering my true identity as a child of God, and learn how the church can be a pivotal support system in this process.
We take you deep into the spiritual and emotional experiences of finding faith in the darkest of times. Drawing from scripture and personal battles with a violent marriage and addiction, we emphasize the essential role of divine wisdom and a compassionate church community in overcoming trauma. Discover the scriptural insights and personal stories that illustrate the power of faith and community support in personal recovery and healing. You won't want to miss the compelling account of how church involvement can make a critical difference in navigating through life's most painful moments.
Finally, hear the inspiring story of a young girl who found refuge in her church community while enduring severe abuse and adversity. From childhood trauma to addiction and abusive relationships, her journey underscores the transformative power of community, counseling, and faith. Reflect on the importance of seeing God's work in our lives and seeking healing through faith as we transition into our "Summer in Psalms" series. This episode reminds us all of the sovereignty of God in providing rest and healing and encourages listeners to find solace in the Psalms during challenging times. Join us as we seek to inspire and offer hope through these powerful testimonies and scriptural reflections.
Musicbed Recording(s) Individual | "Be My Everything" by Antoine Bradford (3:51) Youtube Creator / Podcaster Clients | No client or brand/company work Distributions | Standard Coverage - Web / Social Media (Up to 1 million subscribers), Podcast (Up to 10k monthly downloads) Included Monetization License Date | July 2, 2024
Patreon Link What if understanding trauma as a part of life could transform your healing journey? Join us on this heartfelt episode of Wednesdays with Watson as we travel to Oak Hill Baptist Church in Waycross, Georgia, and delve into the profound impact of trauma, faith, and community. I share my personal testimony of overcoming immense challenges to deliver a message that everyone is seen, known, heard, loved, and valued by God. You'll hear about my own journey, from identifying myself through my traumas to discovering my true identity as a child of God, and learn how the church can be a pivotal support system in this process.
We take you deep into the spiritual and emotional experiences of finding faith in the darkest of times. Drawing from scripture and personal battles with a violent marriage and addiction, we emphasize the essential role of divine wisdom and a compassionate church community in overcoming trauma. Discover the scriptural insights and personal stories that illustrate the power of faith and community support in personal recovery and healing. You won't want to miss the compelling account of how church involvement can make a critical difference in navigating through life's most painful moments.
Finally, hear the inspiring story of a young girl who found refuge in her church community while enduring severe abuse and adversity. From childhood trauma to addiction and abusive relationships, her journey underscores the transformative power of community, counseling, and faith. Reflect on the importance of seeing God's work in our lives and seeking healing through faith as we transition into our "Summer in Psalms" series. This episode reminds us all of the sovereignty of God in providing rest and healing and encourages listeners to find solace in the Psalms during challenging times. Join us as we seek to inspire and offer hope through these powerful testimonies and scriptural reflections.
Musicbed Recording(s) Individual | "Be My Everything" by Antoine Bradford (3:51) Youtube Creator / Podcaster Clients | No client or brand/company work Distributions | Standard Coverage - Web / Social Media (Up to 1 million subscribers), Podcast (Up to 10k monthly downloads) Included Monetization License Date | July 2, 2024
You ARE: SEEN KNOWN HEARD LOVED VALUED
Speaker 1:
Lord, I need you to fix what's broken in me. To tell you the truth, I need you To be my everything.
Speaker 2:
Hey everybody and welcome back to Wednesdays with Watson. It is July of 2024. And before we step into our summer in Psalms, I wanted to share the message that I was able to speak at Oak Hill Baptist Church in Waycross, Georgia, with you guys. It was a great opportunity for us here at Joel 225 Ministries to go and to speak to church members, leadership as well as congregants about trauma and the church and the community and how all of those things can work together to produce people who love Jesus and who depend on him during times of trouble and understand that trauma is a part of life. And this might help some of you out there that are walking with people with trauma and how to know how to walk with them. So let's drop into this recording of my message at Oak Hill Baptist Church in Waycross, Georgia.
Speaker 3:
Now, amy is a friend of mine from school.
Speaker 3:
If you didn't know, we've known each other for a long time.
Speaker 3:
We kind of lost touch and got back in touch through social media, like most people do, and in this discussion that she's going to talk about giving her testimony and everything, there's so many things that that were going on behind the scenes that I didn't know anything about. And um, then, after we reconnected on social media, she was, she was, had started a podcast and she can tell you more about that in her discussion this morning. But it just broke my heart, it touched my heart and I just feel like that, this discussion here which is probably why a lot of people did not come, because some people told me they were coming and they didn't. And that's okay, but it's a tough subject to talk about in church and there's a lot of shame that goes along with it and it shouldn't be that way. So I'm again thankful that y'all made it here and that we can share this with someone else, and if you know anybody that could use benefit from this, tell them where to find the recording of this and they can watch it whenever they can.
Speaker 2:
Okay, I do want to stall just for a minute because I do want the ladies from Shane's Crib to be part of this. And let me just say to you guys, first of all, by way of introduction my name is Amy Watson and several years ago I was invited to speak to a church after one of the darkest times in my life and the pastor brought me up to the stage and he said Amy, tell the people who you are. And I was again and you'll hear my testimony here in just a few minutes, in the darkest time of my life. And before that, I would say my name is Amy Watson and I am a domestic violence survivor. My name is Amy Watson and I'm a child abuse survivor. My name is Amy Watson, I'm highly educated, my name is Amy Watson and fill in the blank.
Speaker 2:
But for some reason, that day, when that pastor asked me to describe and to introduce myself as to who I am, I said my name is Amy Watson and I am a child of the Most High God. And when I tell you, I don't care if there's one of you here today, if there's a thousand of you here today, there are ten thousand of you here today. If there are 10,000 of you here today, you matter. You matter to me, you matter to God. You see my tagline up here for my podcast. You are seen, you are known, you are heard, you are loved and you are valued. And in a world that beats us up, that doesn't want us to know that we're image bearers and that we're precious daughters and sons of the most high God, we're here to beat up on that today, because when I tell you that this almost didn't happen is an understatement. First of all, I've been fighting a cold all week. Didn't think I was going to have a voice.
Speaker 2:
And then I'm originally from Jacksonville, florida, which is where Vicki and I know each other. We were in junior high school together. Our older sisters were best of friends and were still in counseling over the things that they did to us during that time. But we went to junior high school together and, like her, I didn't know many of the things that was going on in her family at that time. But I am so grateful to be here today. I am born and raised in Jacksonville Florida. Probably my biggest character flaw is that I'm a Jacksonville Jaguars fan. For those of you who might also be, you know that. You know that requires a lot of on your knees and they have been lots of giving us lots of tears and lots of disappointment over the years. But Originally from Jacksonville, but for reasons that you'll learn, today I no longer live there.
Speaker 2:
I live in the Greater Tampa Bay area and so yesterday I get in my car Excited about getting here, put a phone on and my favorite music and. But like every good single person, you know you have those men in your life who harass you and they go Amy, go get your oil changed and go do this and go do that before you get in your car. I did that like a good girl. About an hour and a half into the trip, my two-year car decides to not work. Yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you. So about that time Vicki texts me like literally at that time she's like hey, just checking on you all. Right, well, I'm like. Well, I need you to pray because my car is not working and I still got about four hours to go, and so the Lord, which was with it, was very kind as to where I wrote down and the tow truck was able to come easily. Good, I'm glad you are coming back. The tow truck was able to come easily and I got a rental and I arrived here last night around 9 o'clock, and so to say that there is somebody that doesn't want us to talk about this today is a vast understatement. And so when I heard that Shane's Crib was going to be here, I looked them up and I was like, oh man, maybe I need to move to Waycross, georgia, and be part of that ministry, because that reflects my heart, as you were here today, and so much of what I've prepared today is for you too. Okay, and so here we go. So we are grateful that you're here today.
Speaker 2:
When Vicki and I began to pray about this day, she said, Amy, what do you want the theme to be? And I remember I was driving in my car and I think maybe her question was framed as people want to know what to wear, and I was like, well, I just want them to come as they are. And that became the theme of that. We didn't want you to feel like you had to put on a facade to be here. So, guys, if you put on the facade to be here, take it off if you, you know, you think that you need to be in a place that you're not. Be that you're not. Right now that somebody's imposed on you, take it off. I want you to sit here as you are today, exactly where you are mad at God, happy with God, in the middle with God, don't believe in God, hi, not, hi, sober, not sober. I want you to be who you are here today, because what I can promise you is, as I mentioned you, I grew up in Jacksonville, florida. I will share much of my testimony with you today, and then Shane's crib will come in the middle of that, and then after I will talk about some of the things that the other Amy, it's a good name means beloved, by the way, and in between, I am at the tail end of it's a good name. It means beloved, by the way, and in between, I am at the tail end of Liberty University, of completing my doctorate degree in educational psychology with a focus on trauma and community care, and guess what? Y'all are my very first group of people that I get to speak to post-doctorate, so I am so excited to be here, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2:
A lot of crooked roads from the ghetto, as I call it, of Jacksonville, florida, where Vicki and I grew up to where I am now. Jesus was there all along because, you see, so interesting that you guys, you see, see wine and one of my favorites. Jesus was there all along because one thing, you see, that I want you to take away from today is that I believe with my whole heart, every fiber and me and at the end of this you're going to hear like, how can she say that? But I believe every fiber in me that all of my life he has been fateful. Some of what you will hear today in regards to my testimony will make you question that, but I promise you I believe it with my whole heart.
Speaker 2:
Second corinthians 1 3-5 says that we are comforted and we're able to provide. The 3 through 5 says that we are comforted and we're able to provide the comfort. With that same comfort that we're comforted and Amy shared that a little bit. I hope to provide that to you today through the best news in the history of the world the gospel of Jesus and how it radically changed my life. Now we know that suffering is universal. Jesus promised that it was going to happen and while you may hear my testimony today, I want to warn you and guard you against something.
Speaker 2:
Please don't compare my story to yours or yours to mine. Don't want you walking out here going. Well, I haven't survived what Amy survived, because your pain matters to God. Your pain, what Amy survived, because your pain matters to God. Your pain, your story, your life is grace given only to you. Please don't compare my trauma to yours, no matter what you brought in here today. I want you to know the God that I will highlight today is the star of my story, not me, not even the people that helped me. Jesus is the star of my story and he's the star of yours too, and he simply calls us.
Speaker 2:
Can we just take a deep breath to rest, because he can be trusted? How many times, guys, in our lives have you had that was so dark? Life had beaten you up, you weren't sure of anything. Maybe that's where you find yourself today. Maybe you've gotten to the point where you felt like, like I did so many years ago, it's just my lot in life to merely suffer, because if you're on this planet for people just to take advantage of you and for you just to suffer, if that's you, you came to the right place. I want you to experience the peace and healing today in the place that you're in not the place that somebody thinks you should be on or is imposed on you, or even that you think that you should be on.
Speaker 2:
I hope that you will find peace and rest after we spend some time with Jesus and each other. I love Matthew 11, 28, and 29. Come unto me all you are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light, and so, before we continue, I'd like to go to the Lord in prayer today. I know that we've already done that, but I'd like to do that today.
Speaker 2:
Okay, father, god, we are so thankful for this day, lord, I'm thankful for each and every single person that is in this room. Lord, you so ordained it that this would be the day and these would be the people that are here. Lord, they are the precious children of the Most High God. Lord, god, we thank you that you sent your son, jesus to die, to tear the veil, so that we have direct access to you. And as we talk about how you have been faithful in my story, lord, I pray that somebody here today would just hide it in their heart, and they would walk out of this church with a new hope and a new revival in their heart. Lord, that you love them and that life is hard, that you are good and we pray these in your name, amen. As I mentioned, you'll learn much of my testimony throughout the day, but there is one thing I want you to take away from today. He can be trusted. Even when life tells you differently, he can be trusted. The question, though, becomes if we will take the step necessary to trust him, a step that, for many of you, feels like a step of faith, and one that might feel like you're stepping off the edge of the Grand Canyon. The other thing I know for sure, after all that I've been through, is that we can rest in him.
Speaker 2:
Going back into that scripture in Matthew I just learned this recently in a Bible study I was in that take my yoke upon you. Yoke literally meant the wisdom of the rabbi. So now let's sit. Now let me say that verse again Take my yoke upon you, for my burden is easy and light. Take my wisdom upon you, because my burden is easy and light. It is my prayer today that you don't listen to me. That the wisdom that we'll talk about today, as james says in james 3, 17, is wisdom that is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open, the reason, full of good, mercy and fruits. This, this is the wisdom, or the yoke, that jesus was talking about. It makes it easier to trust, right, when you go, you go. Oh, he said. My wisdom is easy. My message is easy. It makes it easier for us to take his yoke upon us. He has time for you. You matter Wanted to hang that there for a second. You matter. His burden is light. Come unto him All you have relayed and he will give you rest. Today I want you to rest, to hang that there for a second. You matter. His burden is light. Come unto him all you are have relayed and he will give you rest. Today I want you to rest.
Speaker 2:
Remembering that he is a God that can be trusted in is essential in times when it is dark in our lives. So much growth happens in the dark. You guys have survived some darkness, haven haven't you? Yeah, surviving the dark requires faith. That faith can be hard to find, but I want to normalize that for you. If it were easy, everybody would be doing it. We wouldn't struggle. But we know, without faith, it's impossible to please him. So how do we do both? How do we hold pain and deep sorrow and still have faith in what we cannot see and, frankly, have no physical reason to believe? How do we do it? The Bible tells us without faith is it impossible to please him. Many times we stop right there, but the rest of that verse says anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently seek him, you being here today, diligently seeking him, diligently seeking him. We see that in hebrews 11 6. Sometimes it is hard to believe that he exists. I don't want you thinking you're a bad person. If you've ever questioned that, give yourself some grace, because if you have a hard time holding pain and the existence of sovereignty of God in the same place, welcome to humanity. And this is the part where I'll start to share my story.
Speaker 2:
One of the darkest nights of my soul came in 2007. I was standing by a closet door in my apartment. I had not lived in this tiny, dark apartment for very long. In fact, I miss walking outside and hearing the waves of the Atlantic Ocean from my home in St Augustine, florida. Just a few months had passed since I escaped a 12-year domestic violence marriage. Just a few months had passed since I escaped a 12-year domestic violence marriage. My life was still in danger for my soon-to-be ex-husband. He was seeking to literally kill me and he almost did. I look back on when I left him now and sometimes I still wish that I had the faith to help me leave and ultimately escape with my life.
Speaker 2:
I had very little money, no job, a shattered heart and I was highly addicted to pain pills. I attempted to take my life with handfuls of pills, washing it down with bottles of wine. Even after I left, I was still addicted to those pain pills and stopped just short of buying them off the street because the pills, you see, made the pain go away and it was just so dark. The darkness felt like an abyss from which I could never recover. The darkness felt like an abyss from which I could never recover and I hope one day that I would take one pill too many and wake up in the arms of Jesus. Thank God that didn't happen.
Speaker 2:
As I prepared for this today, I was reminded of that first verse in Hebrews 11. Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. When I left the prison that I called my home. I didn't know how it would work out. I had very little money, like I said, no money, no job and very few friends. But I had a very, very little strand of faith and, probably like the other Amy, lots of people praying for me. I had faith in the unseen hand. Sometimes that's all we need One little speck of faith that lights the dark paths of our lives and we can take one step at a time.
Speaker 2:
That day, by my closet, I could barely breathe the pain and grief from that loss of marriage and the repercussions. I felt so alone. But in that moment faith found me and I grabbed it with all of my might. I held on for dear life. Hours later, I found myself on the floor sitting by that closet, empty of all tears and exhausted. That day always reminds me of Jacob wrestling with the angel. That day I felt like that. I wanted to get out of that struggle with my faith intact, determined not to let go until he blessed me. But just like Jacob, I walked away with a limp.
Speaker 2:
Some of what we will talk about today is the importance of church in the community and even how you walk with somebody going through trauma, as our friends here are doing. As a friend, I can tell you that in each turning point in my life a church was involved. When I arrived in Clearwater Florida after escaping that marriage, I had been out of the church for the better part of 10 years and while I take some responsibility for that, had the church I'd been going to understood anything about trauma, my story might be vastly different. We're going to talk about how to minister to those in our church after the second performance by Shane's crib. But I knew one thing when I drove into Clearwater Florida with a u-haul truck with everything I owned behind me, I had really stopped short of buying pain medication off the street. I'm a good salesperson. I'd walk into the doctor's office with a cough I didn't have and they would give me this stuff I would call liquid gold and it had hydrocodone in it and something else.
Speaker 2:
And I sat at a red light before we turned onto this road where I was going to live, I took a swig of that medicine. Now the corner of my eye was a big church, calvary Church. For life's journey, and even in my inebriated state I knew that that was going to be. My only hope was to find my way to that church. I was hanging on a very thin shred of faith in that unseen hand. I was hurting, I was suicidal and, have I mentioned, addicted to pain medication. My nights were filled with terror. Anybody who's been through trauma knows what I'm talking about. My body responded to flashbacks from not only that domestic violence, marriage, but a lifetime of abuse, neglect and abandonment. I did go back to that church. I managed one night not to take some pain medication and I called the church that Wednesday and I said hey, because I grew up in a church guys where we went to church Sunday morning, sunday night, wednesday night, thursday night, saturday. The youth group keeps out trouble. I was always in a church guys where we went to church Sunday morning, sunday night, wednesday night, thursday night, saturday. The youth group keeps out trouble. I was always in church so I knew they had something that Wednesday. So I called them. I said hey, you guys have a Bible study on Wednesday night. They said, yeah, it's in blah-de-blah high school, room 110. So I got all dressed up, put on the facade, did the thing, went to the church, walked in the room, sat in the only empty chair, which happened to be one of my very best friends today, the pastor's wife. And when people ask me why that decision changed my life, I can cite many reasons. But if you came here today, it means you care about this topic and you care about the people who aren't here because they didn't want to come and be faced with this. You could be these people in my life because they didn't care, they didn't know about 90% of my trauma, much of which I've not even shared with you. They loved me, they surrounded me with community, they prayed for me and, most of all, they were just there for me. That pastor's wife. I ended up working at that school.
Speaker 2:
I'm not a fan of food most of the time, but she would bring me cheese and crackers every single day to work. Just eat these for me, she would say. So if you're sitting here today, you're the hands and feet of Oak Hill Baptist Church. They never threw Bible Band-Aids at me. No cliche Christianity, just pure and undefiled love, just like James describes in James 1.27. Religion that God, our Father, accepts as pure and faultless as this, is to look after the orphans and widows in their distress. Sometimes that was just like cheese and crackers.
Speaker 2:
Another time it meant driving me to the emergency room after I took nine Klonopin yeah, y'all know. And I spent five days in the psych ward the complete nervous breakdown. Just days before that I was in the middle. I was up in the middle of the night. Facebook had just been a thing. We were chatting on Facebook Messenger.
Speaker 2:
My friend was talking to me about this song. I'm going to talk about music a lot today. It's kind of my thing. These are the lyrics of the song she was typing to me in the middle of the night just days before I took 9 Klonopin, trying to exit this planet. It's a song by Lifehouse.
Speaker 2:
How long have I been in this storm, so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form? I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, but why am I 10 feet under and upside down? But why am I 10 feet under and upside down? Barely surviving has become my purpose because I'm so used to living underneath the surface. That friend today I call my sister. She's probably watching right now, but I remember that day I went to the psych ward, like it was yesterday.
Speaker 2:
I was working at that Christian school, attached to the same church that I decided to attend and where I was loved so well, not ostracized for my story or my struggle with my faith. It was that same friend from that Bible study that drove me to the hospital. She stayed there with me until they admitted me and for the first time in my life, the painful monster inside of me was given a name by a nice doctor in a white coat you have post-traumatic stress disorder. We're going to help you. My friends sat there with me until they made her leave. I was fine until they took my phone and then I came unglued. I had never felt so scared or so alone. But the funny thing about nervous breakdowns is your body makes the rules. See, in the church we just want to throw the Bible at it, pray more, learn more verses, but our bodies are made to not handle that kind of stuff. And so I completely fell apart. And as I walked around that psych ward and let me tell you what an experience that was because I was there with people more than just nervous breakdowns.
Speaker 2:
I had this feeling of freedom because for the first time in my life, I've been taking care of myself since I was seven years old, y'all. For the first time in my life I had a feeling of freedom. For the first time in my life I had no responsibilities. I had one job well more than one Breathe, take my medicine, sleep and eat. Eat. And after about the fourth day, when I couldn't realize why they weren't let me go home, my friend said you might want to eat. So I said, okay, I'll do that. And they let me go. But I had never experienced that before my life up until that point where I got married to that man who abused me for 12 years was nothing short of a war. And Vicki knows she grew right up down the street from me and from an early age I had become a monster slayer because the abuse and neglect never stopped until someone from guess where stepped in. The church, not the Department of Children and Human Families. The church, not the Department of Children and Human Families. The church. And people aren't here today because they don't want that responsibility or because they had something to do.
Speaker 2:
It was a knock on the door when I was 10 years old that changed my life forever, because it was God's people who obeyed the call to reach people, all of them even neglected and abused kids from downtown Jacksonville, florida. That knock on the door came with an invitation to go to church. By that time I had been abused in every way you can imagine. One of them by a well-known serial killer named Henry Lee Lucas. I was locked in rooms. I had food withheld from me. I was abused by the man we called my stepfather, but the church became my sanctuary.
Speaker 2:
And when I had enough of that abuse, at about 12 years old, I went to church one day and told somebody about it. Later that person, who happened to also be my pastor's wife, shout out to pastor's wives. She said that I came to church at 12 years old with a grocery bag full of clothes and said I'm not going back home Still ask myself where that faith came from. I was 12 years old. Somehow I just knew there was a better life for me and it would probably come from that church. It was there that I found safety and was quite literally rescued from unspeakable abuse.
Speaker 2:
I still remember the police coming, the investigations, the social workers, them telling me hey, aim, your mom has decided that she's going to make that man leave your home. And we called it HRS back then that tells you how old I am Health and Human Resources Service or something, but CPS basically. And they said she told them that she'd get rid of them and said we're going to take you home. So they loaded me up in a car. I think I had some people in the church giving me some clothes.
Speaker 2:
I had a few more bags by then we got there. There was a note on the door Gone to get married, mom. They drove me to the courthouse where I watched them take away her parental rights. My pastor and his wife kept me for 18 months before I found myself in a children's home in Tampa Florida, rejected again but determined to make somebody anybody love me. It was a hot day in Tampa Florida and as I watched them drive away, standing under a sign that said Faith Children's Home, I just thought well, I'm a throwaway kid, I don't matter, god doesn't love me. I had three years. I had done the math in my head I'm too old to do that now but it was a thousand days or something like that. After that I'm going to go do my own thing, because nobody is ever going to love me.
Speaker 2:
But that very first day I found this spot in this industrial-sized kitchen, and it was a I mean it might have been three feet and there was an industrial-sized refrigerator and a cabinet and a red stool in the middle of that cabinet and I was sitting way back. I was shy, if you can imagine that I'm not shy at all now.
Speaker 2:
And this white head pops in I mean white hair pops in, with a southern accent, from North Carolina. She said well, hello there. I was like I didn't say anything. She said has anybody told you today? And I just stared at her. This went on three times, and when I didn't answer her, she she said has anybody told you today that they love you? No, ma'am, I could count on one hand the amount of times I've heard that in my life.
Speaker 2:
So I took that love from her and I ran with it. Today, actually, as I sidebar here is this time last year, june 8th of last year, I was speaking at her husband. It was Mom and Dad McGowan. They started the children's home. I was speaking at his funeral on this day last year, but I took that love and ran with it, not understanding that it was unconditional love. So I spent eight years there, including four years where I worked there.
Speaker 2:
It was there, though, that my addictive behavior began. I became a performer with no concept of how I was loved by God or people. After I left the children's home, the only place I had ever felt real love, the real chase began. The chase of that felt like this unmet need of love landed me in that domestic violence marriage. Still in that marriage, I performed, hoping that I would be good enough for him to stop hitting me. I didn't understand God's love for me that I would be good enough for him to stop hitting me. I didn't understand God's love for me that I was his prized possession. I thought I had to earn his love too. The chase for that love was exhausting and the monsters of my past came home to be tended to, and I wanted no part of it.
Speaker 2:
So I remember when I took my first pain pill. It was after a surgery and it seemed to be the only time that all was right in the world. I knew it was wrong. Every morning I would wake up hungover from pain pills, say oh, that was the last day. And that night I would take four. Because when you get to know me you know that one is good for must be better right.
Speaker 2:
There's an old saying I and I might get it wrong. One is too many and ten thousand are not enough. When you're talking about addiction, I take more and more and my battle with addiction that culminated in that psych ward so many years later. See, this is the thing about trauma y'all, if we don't pay attention to it, it will pay attention to us. I am fortunate to be standing here today to have not have died from taking handfuls of pills.
Speaker 2:
To this day, I can't explain why that didn't happen, except for God himself. It wasn't until my church and my community began to know my secrets and help me pay attention to the pain, to understand my value in him and to have faith in that unseen hand. There's an old song by 4Hand that says I know down here, I may not understand, but I won't let go of the unseen hand. I don't have a magic answer for why I was able to stop taking pain pills, except for my church, my community and my counselor were there for me. They love for me, they love me and they refused to let me perform. They sidelined me y'all and they left me alone with the demons. And they asked me a question that Jesus asked in John, chapter 5 of the paralytic man at the pool of Bethesda Amy, do you even want to get?
Speaker 2:
Well, it's a backstory on that story and if you don't know it, there's in this. You can go to Israel today and still visit the pools of Bethesda, but this was a place where the angel would come, stir the waters and people who were sick would hang out there until the angel came and they would rush to the pool and they would get healed, except for this paralytic dude who just decided everybody was more important than him and he couldn't get to the pool. And so he would never get in the pool. And Jesus says to him in chapter 5, 5 do you even want to get well? You know why he didn't want to get well? Because in that culture, people like him who were disabled, and in the Middle Eastern culture, people who are disabled like him they didn't have to do anything. Everything was done for them. They didn't have to work, they didn't have to provide for themselves, they didn't have to do anything, everything was done for them. They didn't have to work, they didn't have to provide for themselves, they didn't have to live a life, they didn't have to do anything.
Speaker 2:
Why would he want to get well? And that's kind of where I was. Why? Because people are just going to keep hurting me.
Speaker 2:
Why would I want to get well? It was my people, my community, my church. It was my people, my community, my church that said we are not going to let the enemy have you. And when I tell y'all that when I suffered breast cancer a couple years after that and had to take pain pills, that I was literally doled them by my friends. When I tell y'all when they said at any time, we're going to make you pee in a cup. When I tell y'all that they picked me up and took me to football games when I just wanted to lock myself in a dark room. When I tell y'all that God's people, the church, the community, the people that decided they weren't afraid of trauma, would invest in a throwaway kid, that's when my life changed forever. That's what I want for you today Peace that passes all understanding. You don't have to be addicted to pain pills to be broken and shattered inside. You don't have to much like that day in the closet. It gets dark for all of us.
Speaker 2:
Complicating factors like post-traumatic stress disorder and its friends don't make it easy to find the light, but you can find the light in your darkest hour, remembering that he is a God that can be trusted. He wants your pain. He wants you to lay your pain down your version of addiction to pain medicine, at his feet. He wants to carry the load for you. You are not alone and all you have to do, just like that man at Bethesda finally did, is take one step, that one decision that I made to go to church on that one Wednesday night where I could put off my pain pill high for just a couple of hours. One decision can change your life, whether you are the person that needs it or you are the person that sat next to me in that Bible study, who is one of my best friends today. One moment in time, no matter what has you in the dark, he is a light that will not be overtaken. That light will not be extinguished. We see that in Matthew, chapter 5, 14 and 15.
Speaker 2:
A lot of my healing is understanding what trauma does to us. It has come from my understanding that I am somebody to God and that my value is not attached to how many people are here today. My value is not attached to this doctorate degree. My value is not attached to anything except for I am somebody to God. There's a new song out. I love this song. I'm somebody to God. I don't have to do anything. I'm somebody to God. I'm going to keep preaching it to myself. You're somebody to God. I am not here because I am not a theologian, to answer the age-old question regarding the goodness of God, which is another CC Winan song I love, and why bad things happen to us. I am standing here as proof to you that he is a God that can be trusted. When I laid it at his feet addictions, pills and performance he gently reached down in my heart and helped me understand how much he loves me. He loves you too, and healing is for you.
Speaker 2:
I love this song by Corey Asbury called Kind. Here's how that song goes Sometimes marriages don't work, sometimes babies die, sometimes rehab turns to relapse and we are left wondering why, of all the prayers I've prayed, I wonder if he is real and if he is, how he chooses who he does and doesn't heal. Corey Asbury goes on to say I've tried to run from Jesus, I've started holy wars, I've tried the patient waiting and kicking down the doors, I've cursed his name in anger and in return, all he's ever been to me is kind. And the end of that song Corey Asbury says and on the darkest day in history, even though I wasn't there, I look up at the cross and see my Savior there and I ask myself that's what kindness costs. And so my question to you is has God been kind to you? Can you trust in that unseen hand, even though you don't understand the reason why? God did provide knowledge for us? And in a few minutes I'm going to talk a little bit about trauma.
Speaker 2:
I'm going to help you understand why some of those of you experience trauma feel the way you do, because if you grew up in church, like I did, and you experienced traumas and the Bible, band-aids don't work and the Christian clichés don't work and all the things don't work. There's a scientific reason whyaids don't work and the Christian cliches don't work and all the things don't work. There's scientific reason why those things don't work. As Amy said, those things attach to smoke, not the fire. We've got to get to the fire. I love that analogy. I'm going to steal it from you.
Speaker 2:
For me, the church has always been the vehicle for healing. I want each one of you guys, if you take something from this today, to help people in this church, understand that you can be part of an Amy Watson story. Remember that you are so seen, so known, so heard, so loved and so valued. I'm going to help you understand some of your feelings and how it serves to confuse you and how it can serve to fuel your version of addiction. Because the truth is, if you're using anything to cope with pain and this is a hard word it's sin, and that's a hard word especially for those who have seen such days Two of the most powerful words in the English language. But God has provided a way of escape, as we see in 1 Corinthians 10, 13. Sometimes that looks like merely what's understanding going on inside of you. For those church leaders here or for those of you who want to walk with those of us in the trauma tribe, you may gain a better understanding in a few minutes about trauma and how it likes to destroy us.
Speaker 2:
We can have faith that God doesn't make mistakes. He is not wringing his hands in heaven over our pain, but he has called people like me to help you understand the practicality of trauma and the things that drive us to walk away from him. My story is not unique. God concerns himself with our pain and as I thought about how to end this portion of our time together, I asked myself how am I where I am now and how can I give hope to those who also want to experience healing? It's a hard question to answer, but at the end of the day.
Speaker 2:
Here's the crux of it all either we believe that God is sovereign or that he isn't. It is okay for his sovereignty to create more questions and answers like Like how can a loving God let this happen? How can he forgive my addictions? Why won't he take away my depression? Why won't he take away the pain? All of those are valid questions, but there are some things you can do to help. He has provided people like me to help you understand some of what you're experiencing inside, but at the end of the day, he has promised to never leave us or forsake us.
Speaker 2:
We see that in Hebrews 13, 5. You can be sure that if you decide to give your pain the attention it deserves, he will be found faithful to meet you there. And so one. I just want you to go back to that verse. Go to him all you are heavily. Go to him all you who are heavy laden, and he will give you rest. I'm going to share my life verse with you and then we'll ask them to come up. Paul says in Philippians 1.12,. I want you to understand, brethren, that the things that have happened to me have really happened to further the gospel. May it be true of us y'all. May it be true of us y'all. May it be true.
Speaker 2:
Hey guys, thank you for listening, and as we step into the summer months, we're going to spend some time in the Psalms, like we did last year's Summer in Psalms. So we will see you in two weeks for our first Summer in Psalms episode, as we bring guests that have walked dark roads and have found refuge in the beauty of the book of Psalms. Don't forget, if you want to contact me they're right in your podcast app you can send a text message. As I mentioned, that only comes to me. Let me know how to contact you and I will be happy to do so. Also included in the show notes is the Patreon link to support our ministry here. Thank you, as always, for listening. You know what I'm going to say as I end the podcast. You are seen, you are known, you are heard, you are loved, you are so, so valued and you are worth asking the question and answering it in the affirmative. Do you want to get well?
Speaker 1:
From my heart, but you are so faithful you won't let me Tear us apart. So, god, I need you To give me eyes to see All the things that you're doing for me. Lord, I need you to fix what's broken in me. To tell you the truth, I need you to be my everything, to be my everything, to be my everything, to be my everything. To be my everything. To be my everything. To be my everything. To be my everything, to be my everything. To be my everything.
