The Path to Recovery: Faith and Connection

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JJ Heller's What Love Really Means Used By Permission (See License)

WERE you there in 2020 when we started? These combined throw-back episodes is full of cliffhangers you don't have to wait or listen to another episode, all praise to the Star of the story, wow the growth of the podcast and personal healing, thank you Jesus!

What if the journey to healing trauma could be mapped through faith and community? The latest episode of Wednesdays with Watson explores the transformative power of these two pillars. Reflecting on my personal experiences with PTSD, I share how an unexpected diagnosis and the unwavering support of my church created a foundation for my recovery. We’ll revisit earlier episodes from our inaugural season, "PTSD, Jesus, and Me," during our upcoming hiatus, highlighting the profound impact of community and counseling.

As I work on my dissertation proposal for a doctorate in educational psychology, we dive deeper into the importance of supportive communities in battling trauma. Through stories of receiving a PTSD diagnosis, the role of trauma-informed therapy, and the physical impacts of trauma on the brain, I aim to provide comfort and understanding. We discuss pivotal moments that illustrate how trauma manifests in daily life and the need to remove mental health stigmas. By sharing personal anecdotes alongside biblical references, we examine the universal nature of trauma and the significance of safe spaces.

Faith, community, and the fight for self-acceptance are central to our conversations. From recounting the detachment experienced during trauma to finding solace in the Bible, we explore the shared human struggle for worthiness and the importance of compassionate connections. This episode serves as a heartfelt prayer for anyone experiencing similar pain, reminding them that they are not alone. Through the lens of my own recovery journey, I hope to inspire listeners to seek and find the support they need, knowing that healing is always within reach.

License for "What Love Really Means"
April 22, 2024 

The Music Bed, LLC ("MB") approves the use of "What Love Really Means" (Composition(s) and Master(s)) for Wednesdays with Watson "Wednesdays with Watson" (the "Production") pursuant to your request date April 22, 2024 as follows: 

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What Love Really Means 

JJ Heller 

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 Wednesdays with Watson 

Hosted by Amy Watson, a passionate advocate for mental health and a trauma survivor, this podcast aims to provide a safe and empathetic space for listeners to learn, share, and find hope. In each episode, we delve deep into the multifaceted aspects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and its far-reaching effects. 

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Who will love me for me, not for what I have done or what I will become. Who will love me for me Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means.

Speaker 2: 0:33

Hey everybody, and welcome to Wednesdays with Watson.

Speaker 2: 0:35

It is July of 2024 and you are in for a little bit of a different experience if you are a regular listener to the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. Over the next two months, over July and August, we are going to put the podcast on hiatus. However, we are going to re-release some episodes from the first season that most of you probably have not heard, and so we're going to combine some of these episodes, many of which I left off on a cliffhanger. So back in the day, people had to wait two weeks to find out the rest of the story. So back in the day, people had to wait two weeks to find out the rest of the story. As you're listening to what we are going to share with you today, just keep in mind who you hear talking to you right now and how unbelievably faithful God has been, because, even when I look back to four and a half years ago when I recorded these episodes, even when I look back to four and a half years ago when I recorded these episodes, I am such a different person so much healing, so much hope, so much growth, and part of that has been because of this, which had become a bit of a passion project my community and counseling, which, from the very beginning, became the tagline for this podcast, along with Jesus, who is the star of my story. And so, as you listen to these first set that we're going to drop today, we will be doing that all through July and August, and you will know, if you're a new listener, why all of these things matter to me. As for me, during July and August, I will be behind a computer getting my dissertation proposal ready. As some of you know, I am all the dissertation done with my doctorate degree in educational psychology, with a focus on trauma and community care. I'm looking forward to what that means for the podcast. We have brand new content and a brand new format coming at you in September, and so, until then, though, especially for those of you that are new, enjoy these dropback episodes so that we can see how faithful God is. Lot of prayer.

Speaker 2: 3:01

We have decided to launch this podcast and we've decided to name season one PTSD Jesus and Me. During the course of this season, we will talk about my story of ridiculous hope, ridiculous healing and, yes, some repercussions of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. After living through three decades of trauma, I am so excited to be on this journey with you. This podcast is produced by Amy Hyland and brought to you by your favorite podcast streaming service, and in order for you to keep getting our podcasts and notifications, don't forget to hit that subscribe button. I would also be honored if you would follow me on social media. All social media platforms are the same Instagram, facebook and Twitter. Amy Watson. Author. Buckle up, let's enjoy the ride and let the healing begin.

Speaker 2: 3:56

Hey everybody, and welcome to the inaugural season of Wednesdays with Watson, and I wish that you could actually see the smile on my face. That would reflect my gratitude for you just spending a few minutes of your time with me today. You know, it has often been said that the best investment of our time, if we are going to spend time in the written word or, in this case, the spoken word that we should write about or speak about something that we know, something that maybe we would be considered an expert. I'm not sure that I believe that, but we're going to go with it. I wish I were not an expert on the topic that I chose for the inaugural season of Wednesdays with Watson. I wish I could tell you that I was an expert in this field because of the degrees on my walls or because classes that I've attended or just I was born with the expertise, but none of that is true. The reality is that the topic that I decided to spend my inaugural season of my podcast on comes from personal experience, backed by a lifetime of trauma. As I prayed about the topic for season one the thing that you would listen to on the other side and on your phone or on your iPad on your computer as I prayed about what to talk about, I fought it for a long time, but I landed on my experience and my diagnosis with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Speaker 2: 5:15

I decided to tell this story because the story is greater than just the diagnosis. The story is greater than the trauma that led to the diagnosis. The story is a story of healing, although the healing doesn't look like. Maybe I wanted it to. Maybe some people on the outside wouldn't consider that there's been healing, but there's been healing and I want to tell you that story. I want to tell you the three reasons why I feel like I am sitting here, alive and breathing, and able to even do this today. Primarily, first and foremost, my faith. My faith in Jesus, who is the author and finisher, who paid a heavy price so that I could walk this earth and that I could heal from pain, particularly from pain from trauma, followed closely by my community oftentimes the same, the community in my church although that's not the entire community that has helped me through this and then, finally, and probably the most difficult, a lot of time in a counselor's office and trauma-informed therapy.

Speaker 2: 6:18

I can't wait to tell you the story of my church and how they came alongside of me. I can't wait to tell you the story of my pastor's wife, who drove me to the hospital and admitted me to the psych ward. I can't wait to tell you the story of the shock on my face when the doctor told me that I had post-traumatic stress disorder. I just looked at her because I didn't ever think that I was worthy of a diagnosis. I thought my pain was never going to matter and I certainly didn't think that I deserved any treatment or intervention at all. I can't wait to tell you the story of how I have learned my value through my healing with post-traumatic stress disorder. I can't wait to tell you those stories. I can't wait to tell you the story of my co-workers who each of them gave a sick day so that I could take another 30 days of intensive outpatient therapy after having spent five days in the hospital under a psych hold. Basically, after 35 years, my body just fell apart. I can wait to tell you that story, but I'm going to. Anyway.

Speaker 2: 7:22

That's not something I really like to talk about. It's a lot, a lot of pain, but if you know me and if you've ever met me, one statement that you've always heard me say is that I just want to be a good steward of my pain. I want my pain to matter, and so I hope it matters in your life. Whether you are suffering from any of these illnesses like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety or depression, do you guys catch that? I call that an illness, because that's what it is. Whether they are psychological illnesses, whether they are physiological illnesses or whether they are, like mine, trauma-based, they are illnesses. Make no mistake. We are now connected, unlike when I was diagnosed 12 years ago. We are more connected with everyone in our lives than we ever have been in the history of the world yet we are more disconnected than we've ever been as well.

Speaker 2: 8:15

As I am recording this, we are currently under a worldwide pandemic, basically a virus that is ruling our lives. Fear is ruling and uncertainty is at an all-time high, and there's no doubt that we will have so many more diagnoses of all of these types of disorders and these illnesses when this is all over. My question to you is what will we do then? Because it's been 12 years and because I have been on a journey of healing, I feel like I have something to add. I feel like we all have something to add. During the course of this podcast, it is my desire that we will learn together how to walk alongside those who are either in our church or workplace or our family, who are suffering from these debilitating illnesses. How do we take the stigma away from medical intervention? How do we take the stigma away from pharmaceutical intervention? How do we take the stigma away from trauma-informed therapy? How do we help people? How do we do that? How do we provide a safe place for them to seek help? During the course of this season, you will have the opportunity to hear from experts in the field, one of them being the counselor who is actually walking me through my diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. You'll also have the opportunity to hear from some of my friends who walked me through this. It is my hope that you will find comfort and healing in my story. It is my hope that you will resist the temptation to compare my story with yours. It is my hope that you will resist the temptation to compare my healing with yours. I fully recognize that my healing looks different. I fully recognize that there are some of you, under the sound of my voice, who have begged God to heal them, and God has chosen to tell a different story. And you still wake up and struggle to get out of bed. I am fully, fully aware of that and I strongly encourage you not to compare my story with yours, but to gain hope from the star of my story and the star of yours too, and that is the great physician. Jesus is the star of my story. He is the one that, even when healing doesn't look like I want it to, there has been healing that has not come for me. There is lots of healing that has come for me, and over the course of this podcast I'll share some of those things with you. But he hasn't taken it all away like I'd like him to, but he's still the star of my story and I want him to be the star of yours too. He is the great physician. He's a great physician for us all.

Speaker 2: 11:00

This is a very real issue, guys, us all. This is a very real issue, guys, and it is my desire for my pain to matter. Otherwise, I'd just rather go ahead and be with Jesus now, because my pain needs to matter. It needs to give you hope, it needs to help you understand that you can wake up with hope and faith and love and joy in every single one of its cousins. It is my desire that, if you are not suffering from some of these things, that you will be able to help those who are. Regardless of why you're here, how long you'll stay, I'm so glad that you are here. I want you to know that.

Speaker 2: 11:34

I want Joel 2.25 to be highlighted in my story and anything I ever touch, whether that be the written or the spoken word, because Jesus is the great redeemer of all of the years that our enemy has stolen from us. He is remarkably faithful in that promise and that promise happens to be one of my favorite promises in all of the Bible. We will have such great opportunity during the course of this podcast to grow together, to learn together. The podcast itself will evolve and it will be directed by that star of the story that I keep telling you about, the great physician who wants to heal us in the way that he wants to heal us so that it can be used. Romans 8, 28 is a verse that's so often overused, but so true that all things work together for the good to those that love God. And if we will let the star of our story, the great physician, heal us in whatever way he wants to, whether that means that we still have to depend on him for every single breath, because sometimes it hurts to breathe when the nightmares and the terrors and the physical symptoms of some of these things still occur, I want us to always lean on that great physician and trust him because he is good. He is so good, even if he doesn't heal us the way we want to be healed. He will redeem those years.

Speaker 2: 12:56

It will certainly be an adventure. It'll be an adventure for you and it'll be an adventure for me, and I know that the subject matter tends to be a little bit heavy, but I promise that we will have a whole bunch of fun. While we're at it, please go ahead and click on that subscribe button so that when we do publish podcasts every other Wednesday, that is immediately downloaded to your device. I'd also love it if you guys would follow me on social media. You can also email me at amywatsonauthorcom. I covet your prayers as we go on this adventure together and certainly would love to pray for you, and so you could use any of those mediums to get those prayer requests to me. See you guys in a couple of weeks and until then, take care.

Speaker 1: 13:38

He cries in the corner where nobody sees. He's the kid with the story. No one would believe he prays every night. Dear God, won't you please could you send someone here who will love me?

Speaker 2: 14:00

Hey everybody, you are listening to Wednesdays with Watson. I'm your host, amy Watson, and thank you for joining me today. On today's podcast, I am going to begin to tell you some of my story, and we will also delve into some of the practical implications of post-traumatic stress disorder, as those of you who are listening to the podcast have come either to seek information for yourself or somebody that you love, and so, as we move through this season that we have called PTSD Jesus and Me it is my desire to make sure that I help you via storytelling and also having the opportunity to teach you some very real issues that many, many people don't know about post-traumatic stress disorder, just by way of a little bit of housekeeping. Today's episode will feature some sensitive information as it pertains to substance abuse and just some very real issues that come along with post-traumatic stress disorder. So just a little bit of a warning there nothing real scary for younger listeners, but obviously as a bit of a trigger warning too. We will be talking about trauma, and so just kind of be mindful of that. So sit back and relax and thank you for joining and let's let the healing continue.

Speaker 2: 15:19

Hey, everybody, and welcome back to Wednesdays with Watson. I am your host, amy Watson, and guys, I am extraordinarily grateful that you have decided to invest a little bit of your time with me today. To say that I am overwhelmed by the response of the inaugural podcast is a bit of an understatement. I am so, so grateful to those of you who are coming along behind this adventure in support of what we are trying to do. We have named this season PTSD Jesus and Me, and really I named it that, guys, because I can't tell you my story without telling you the star of my story. Remember my story. The reason why I'm doing this is to tell you about my journey to diagnosis with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and I simply would not be here today without that star of my story. So of course, I had to put his name in the title of the podcast. He, along with what I have dubbed as the three C's and I think that's the writer in me who just loves alliteration the three C's of my church and my community, as well as trauma-informed counseling, those things are the only reason why I'm even alive to share my story with you today, and so we will visit those three C's often.

Speaker 2: 16:34

As I tell you my story, I'm going to vacillate in and out of how those people and those things were really instrumental. And what mostly today is going to be about is my journey to the diagnosis. What mostly today is going to be about is my journey to the diagnosis and um, and then after that you know my, my church and my community, and then, more importantly, trauma-informed counseling is just so, so vital in the in the healing, and healing can come, and that is the reason I'm doing this, because I want you to find hope that healing can come. So I won't be able, by any stretch of the imagination, to share all of my story with you guys, but I will always have a destination and we may or may not get there on any given podcast.

Speaker 2: 17:17

I am a writer who likes to leave things on cliffhangers sometimes, and just remember that if you don't like the cliffhanger, you can always reach out to me and I'd be happy to have some virtual coffee with you and tell you the rest of the story.

Speaker 2: 17:30

But just know that you may not always know where I'm headed on any given podcast, except for my whole motivation and direction is to tell you the story of my diagnosis and treatment of PTSD. I do not think that I understood the responsibility of tackling a subject like this, though the other night, in the middle of the night literally, I woke up and the gravity of this whole thing hit me. It is an important topic, as we know. That being said, as nervous as I am, and the fact that it is Thursday or the week before this is to publish and I have literally been working on it all week that tells you how important I know that this is, but it also fills me with inexplicable joy. I love, love, love, love helping people, and so this is really my sweet spot. You will hear me vacillate so many times between teacher and storyteller, because I am both. I love telling stories.

Speaker 2: 18:24

I am an eight on the Enneagram and for those of you who know that I am an 8 on the Enneagram and for those of you who know that, you know that Enneagram 8 typically loved them, some them and so I love talking about my story, not only because it's a cool story, but because you know most people may not admit that they love talking about them, and so I do love telling stories, and I certainly love telling this story, but I'm also a teacher, and a teacher by trade, or at least for some part of my career, I loved teaching, and so you will see me vacillate back and forth between being a storyteller and then also sharing with you information that I have learned either by way of personal experience or because I've researched it, because when we're on a subject like this, it is important to understand who our sparring partner is. I so often think of my battle with PTSD as a boxing match, even though I've never boxed a day in my life, nor do I watch it, but my sparring partner is PTSD, and it is a sparring partner that can be the knockout punch if we let it. And so, as I begin to speak to you about my story and some of the science of PTSD, we will talk about, throughout the course of the podcast, cutting edge therapies that have helped me along the way, and, as I've mentioned to you, my counselor will do a session with us, and so, that being said, we will continue on today with my life's goal, which is Philippians 112, where Paul says. I want you to understand that the things that have happened to me have really happened. Out of the furtherance of the gospel, and as we get into some of the science of PTSD, I want to tell you guys a current story that just recently happened to me, because this story really is so much of a picture of PTSD and how it exhibits itself and the way we were created to protect ourselves from danger. And so I live in Florida and I actually can't believe that this is the first time this happened to me, because I've lived here my entire life and I am terrified, like my body, my DNA I'm a first generation Floridian. No DNA in me that is accepting of snakes and alligators and anything in the reptile family, terrified of all of them, and so the fact that this is the first time this happened to me in my life is actually quite remarkable.

Speaker 2: 20:45

But the other day I was walking I had my iPad in my hand and it was the iPad Pro, so it's a big iPad. And so I opened the door to go to my back porch and as I opened the interior door to go out to the screened-in porch, I looked down and I literally froze, because when I looked down I saw a snake. Now it was a black snake and I don't need anyone commenting in the show notes that black snakes are good. There are no good snakes. I certainly didn't have time to stand there and decide whether it was a good snake or not, and I at first I froze, and then I literally flew across the porch and jumped up on a chair and texted my neighbor and asked her to come help me, and she didn't, by the way, but that is a snapshot of a PTSD brain.

Speaker 2: 21:35

Oftentimes when we talk about PTSD you'll hear professionals talk about it in a couple different, really cool ways.

Speaker 2: 21:42

That helps us understand it. And so there is this phenomenon of fight, flight and freeze, and I kind of did two of those things, or actually did all. Well, I didn't fight the snake, but that day when I, when my body said my brain said, hey, that's dangerous, I froze first, and then I literally ran across the room and had there been a battle to fight, like I had a shovel or something, I could have also fought in that. And so that day when I saw that snake is a bit of a picture of what danger does to us. It is not wildly understood and we'll talk about this a little bit more later, but it is not wildly understood why the same person can have the same trauma and one person be adversely affected by it and the other person not be adversely affected by it. What I do want to say is whether or not somebody is adversely affected by any given trauma. If it's the exact same trauma has nothing to do with how strong they are emotionally or psychologically or any of those things.

Speaker 2: 22:42

We will talk about the science of trauma and that it actually does physical damage to the brain and, just like any other disease, we don't understand why some people exhibit symptoms and some people don't, and so it's really, really important to continue to remember that thing that I keep mentioning about not comparing our pain and not comparing our trauma, and that would be true about not comparing your level of being affected by trauma as well. Sometimes you will hear counselors and professionals talk to you about PTSD and a very practical something that we also see in nature by way of a cheetah. A cheetah is a giant, big cat that we see in the wild. It is also the fastest animal in the world. A cheetah can run 65 to 70 miles an hour, and a cheetah runs first and ask questions later, and so, when we are faced with trauma, our response is often similar to that cheetah, because we immediately go in flight mode. We will run like that cheetah and we will run fast and we will run hard. The problem, as you're going to see, with part of my story today, with that kind of speed, is that it cannot be sustained, and so, oftentimes, the exhaustion of running from that trauma, we get stuck in the fight of our lives, severely impacted by the hits and punches that come with PTSD, and so that is just a little bit, and you're going to hear me talk about particularly the cheetah example, as well as the fight-flight-freeze component of PTSD today, but those are just some practical things to understand about trauma. One of the things that perhaps should serve as some comfort to you as you try to deal with trauma or as you're working with people in your family that you love or friend, for whatever reason you're here listening to this podcast, is to remember that trauma is universal and trauma is not new. As we read in Ecclesiastes, chapter 3, there's absolutely nothing new under the sun. We can see the earliest recording of trauma way back in Genesis, when Cain killed Abel. We don't know whether Eve found Abel dead, murdered by the hands of her son, cain. Somebody had to tell her, and I think it's fair to say that that was probably a pretty traumatic event for Eve to be experiencing in our newly broken world. It's safe to assume that Noah dealt with some trauma as he faced insurmountable loss in his path to obedience. Job absolutely experienced trauma and lost, none of which was his fault.

Speaker 2: 25:09

David wrote what was probably the most accurate depiction of PTSD found anywhere, in my opinion, much less anywhere in the Bible in Psalm 91. Verses 5 and 6 are pretty much a journal of the day in the life of a PTSD patient. I call it the PTSD promise because Psalm 91, 5 and 6, snapshot of the day of a bad day of a PTSD patient. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks the darkness, nor the plague that destroys midday. That is exactly. Every minute of every day has the potential to be very, very difficult for somebody suffering with PTSD, and so David clearly had some trauma going on, as did many of the people that wrote the Psalms obviously were going through some difficult things.

Speaker 2: 25:59

Finally, jesus, being fully God and fully man, suffered trauma more than any of us can ever imagine experiencing. In Hebrews 4, 15 and 16, I'm going to read from the message Love, this scripture Now we know that we have Jesus, this great high priest, with ready access to God, the Father. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He has been through our weakness and testing. He has experienced it all. So let us approach his throne boldly, with confidence and with humility, because we do not love a king who does not understand our trauma, and so so oftentimes, when people go through trauma, we convince ourselves that it's not that bad or that it's not important, because somebody else's trauma is worse than our trauma. But trauma is not new and trauma needs for you to pay attention to it, because if you don't, it will pay attention to you.

Speaker 2: 26:55

The other thing that I think comes so often with PTSD as we are, you know, convincing ourselves that maybe we're too hard on ourselves, that we shouldn't be experiencing the trauma like we are it's so not understood and is often covered with cliche answers from well-meaning people, and that brings shame and confusion. So many people have this philosophy if you've got a problem, I have a Bible verse, and while, yes, every problem there probably is a Bible verse, there are times when we can bring those things in, and we need to be wise about that, for lack of a better way to explain that to you, because trauma is so not understood and is not going to ever be the answer by giving people cliche answers. We need to walk alongside people and, as you will hear, some people did that for me and that one of those C's that I keep talking about in my community. It's important to remember that everybody has trauma. If you are listening to this podcast and you have not experienced trauma, let me tell you something that is as sure as gravity you will, because the Bible tells us that we will have suffering in this world and that no one gets through this lifetime without trauma. And again, we're not comparing trauma. Remember, we all have it. We're not comparing it.

Speaker 2: 28:12

Now here's what I'd like to slip into teacher mode just for a second, because trauma and remember trauma by definition is basically something that threatens or causes physical like we're not safe, we don't feel safe, or we're literally not safe. So trauma, ptsd can either be caused by you you perceive that you're not safe, we don't feel safe, or we're literally not safe. So trauma, ptsd can either be caused by you perceive that you're not safe, even though you may be safe, or you're literally not safe and something happens to you. And when that happens, trauma causes physical damage to the brain, and we will talk about this at great length with Dr Pettit when he comes on. But suffice it to say that there are practical repercussions to untreated trauma and for me, that served as a discouragement to me.

Speaker 2: 28:53

I will sometimes be heard referring to my brain as broken. And as I was getting ready for this podcast and writing my notes, I wrote you are not broken. And even as I wrote that, I had to check myself at the door and see if I actually believed that I am not broken, because even though trauma causes physical damage to the brain, it doesn't mean we're broken. And even if we are broken again, we do not love a king who is unfamiliar with that kind of brokenness. It is not new. We see his faithfulness all through the Bible restoring brokenness. And so, as I said, in his faithfulness, all through the Bible, restoring brokenness. And so, as I said in the inaugural podcast, I'm going to evolve, the podcast is going to evolve. And so that was a moment for me this week. As I was getting ready for this and wrote those words I am not broken I literally just kind of stepped back and thought to myself do you really believe that? And so that was a moment for me.

Speaker 2: 29:47

But there are some. So, for example I'll give you guys some examples I struggle with spatial issues. One of the things that I can't do that all of the world is doing right now, because we're all stuck in our houses, is I can't put together a puzzle. I just can't do it Like I can't see it, I can't envision it, even the edges I have a hard time with. This is embarrassing to me, especially back in the day when I was at the children's home. I grew up in a children's home and we would the kids would sit down around a table and put together a puzzle, and I couldn't. I could never understand it and I still, to this day, cannot put together a puzzle, and this is because of physical damages to my brain from trauma. When I was younger, I struggled with my right and left and teachers often dubbed me with dyslexia and other disorders, even though I never, ever, struggled as a student. Some of these misunderstood consequences of trauma confused me and I thought that there was something wrong with me or that I just wasn't as smart as other people. So things like not being able to put together a puzzle was super, super embarrassing to me, and I don't doubt that other PTSD patients don't understand why some of that practical stuff that they can't do, why they can't do it, especially when everybody else can't seemingly can.

Speaker 2: 31:01

But we will talk about that at more at length, about how it causes physical damage to the brain. I've called this episode Lost with Directions because perhaps the most frustrating place that I struggle with, this physical damage to my healing brain, is a complete lack of a sense of direction. It's probably true that I was not born with the best keen of sense of direction, but I know that trauma caused this, because I get lost now far fewer times than I did early in my diagnosis. But still, if we're out and about just a heads up to those of you in my daily life, if you tell me to turn north and there isn't an ocean around, I'm going to be really confused, unless it's sunrise or sunset, you may as well give me a quantum physics problem, because I really struggle with sense of direction. And so, as I thought about the beginning of telling you my story, I understand that the place that makes the most sense to tell you my story is the beginning. But remember, we're talking about 35 years of trauma and the rumor has it that I'm writing a book, and so I can't tell you everything.

Speaker 2: 32:06

But I wanted to start at the day where I will draw a line forever, at the day where I started on the journey, and that's what today is about is the journey of the diagnosis of PTSD, because I was living my life with some of the things that I just explained to you, like putting together a puzzle and get lost. I was living my life under this incredible self-pressure that I just needed to get over it. You know, I would throw Bible verses at myself, put my hand to the plow and, looking back, not fit for the kingdom of God, all of those things, and I did not understand that PTSD even existed. And so perhaps the most frustrating place that I struggled with it back then, and even now, is that I always get lost. I can't read a map. If you hand me a map on a phone, I'm going to hand it back to you, and we're all going to hope that we get to wherever it is we're going, but I get lost.

Speaker 2: 33:00

And so, as I was thinking about where to tell you the story, I was thinking of a time when I was so terrified that I was going to get lost, because it was a day that would have invoked tears for most people, because it was a bad day for me. But regardless of all that emotional pain, I could not shed a tear, and I think about that often why I couldn't cry in those days, and that's also a hallmark symptom of PTSD is just not being able to cry. And here's why you can't cry, because cheetahs can't run and cry at the same time. And I was running for my life. That cheetah life was one that I was living, but none of it was without consequence. So the day that I sat at the light at the intersection of McMullen, booth and Drew, I noticed this big giant building on the corner of that intersection. I could tell it was a church and I wanted nothing to do with it. I actually diverted my eyes. I had no interest in God or church. I didn't want to be responsible for knowing that that church was there because I knew that I could find help there, and at that moment I didn't want help. I had been living that cheetah life and I have still to this day, some pretty strong running lungs, as I did then. But running taught me nothing, teaches us nothing about coping and resting, and so I couldn't do either one of those things.

Speaker 2: 34:23

Running in those days served a bit of an analgesic to me. So we sat at that light and I glanced down at my gear shift and grabbed the 16 16 ounce bottle of narcotic pain medicine that I had secured. Before leaving St Augustine, I took a swig of that what I later would dub as liquid gold. I neither had a cough I didn't have a cold, but my pain was inexplicable. And that liquid gold made it all more tolerable. I was only just a couple blocks from my new apartment so I wasn't worried about getting there. I let that medicine just kind of coat my throat and, really, like it, literally just hit me, and so some of that emotional pain just kind of got dulled.

Speaker 2: 35:02

And I glanced down as I was turning that corner, at the printed MapQuest directions on the passenger seat of my car and I found very, very little comfort in those step-by-step directions, didn't trust them, even though they were right there. And those of you that remember the old MapQuest directions before GPS was constantly telling us where to go. That's how we found things. But I didn't trust those directions, even though they were sitting right next to me. Instead, I focused on the U-Haul that was in front of me.

Speaker 2: 35:31

In that U-Haul represented everything I owned. It was a snapshot of 35 years of my life. My brother-in-law was driving that U-Haul. He and my sister had just helped me move down my marital home. That home had been filled with violence for 12 years, for reasons that I can't explain. I really can't. Somehow, I found the courage to finally leave that environment, and, even though I was fairly confident that I was meant to live this life in constant pain, I knew that I needed to get out of that. That's the thing, see. When you're living this PTSD cheetah life, one day it catches up with you, and leaving that marriage was just one of the examples of that. I wouldn't have survived it much longer. As I followed closely behind that U-Haul, I got a glimpse, though, of that big building on the corner, even though I didn't want to, and it said Calvary Baptist Church for Life's Journey.

Speaker 2: 36:22

About that time, though, the medicine was kicking in. I seriously don't remember much about moving myself into that 750 foot square foot apartment that I would later dub as the ghetto. It was a far cry from the house that I left. That was just three blocks from the Atlantic Ocean. At some point, I must have taken some more swigs from that bottle, because I don't remember my sister and brother-in-law leaving that day, and I slept for 14 hours. I woke up in the apartment the next day to double-digit text messages from my friends and my family as I tried to get settled into that apartment.

Speaker 2: 36:53

Over the days and weeks that would follow, the monsters of post-traumatic stress disorder manifested themselves in epic proportions. I continued to self-medicate myself to sleep, basically, and that is something very another hallmark of PTSD is self-medication, isolation, those kinds of things, and I was doing all of that. I didn't know a soul, even though I went to college in Clearwater. All my friends had moved as I unpacked my stuff. I unpacked four or five Bibles and at least that many Bible studies that I had taught over the years.

Speaker 2: 37:22

Yet I was still just as lost, just like I was that day in the car, like those directions were sitting right next to me. I could trust them, they came from a trusted source, but I could not get my direction from them. I was so lost. And that day in my apartment, I was so lost, even though I had direction by way of four or five Bibles and, like I said, at least that many Bible studies that I had taught. I was just lost with, even though I had direction. I knew that I needed direction that breathed air by way of human beings, because we were not designed as I think many of us are finding now, in this time when I'm recording this, in this epidemic where we're all at home. We're not built to stay at home. We're not built to do life without people, and I knew that I needed to do life with some people. I needed to follow somebody just like I did, george, in that U-Haul that day, that I could see and that I could touch. Printed directions were not helping me.

Speaker 2: 38:18

So one day I just Googled the name of that church and found that they were actually having a Bible study that night. It was ironically a Wednesday night, so I showed up to that Bible study. I did not know a single soul. Here's where decisions, guys, make a difference in everything. That night changed everything for me. I met two of the principal players in my healing that night at that Bible study and my friends Chrissy and my friend Cheryl had their very first Wednesdays with Watson. Good things really began happening to me as a result of some of the connections I made there, one of which is I got a job, a teaching job at that school, and that was just a lifeline for me. In a couple years that were to follow the community, that came with that one decision to attend that Bible study was literally a lifelong for me. Some of those people just provided shade and shelter for me because I was still living that cheetah life. As a result of that Bible study, I just got people and, as you know, one of the C's is my community.

Speaker 2: 39:22

Sometimes directions come to us differently and even those with a propensity to get lost can follow some simple directions. Loss can follow some simple directions, because these people that were in my life refused to give up on me, even though none of them had any clue that I was living that cheetah life. I am so grateful to them to this day because at that point everything I knew in my life by way of directions and those Bibles were in jeopardy. I found myself having plenty of moments, like John the Baptist had, where I almost audibly asked God if he was real or if I should be looking for somebody else. Fortunately, these people I keep talking about were living their lives in abandonment of the cause of Jesus Christ and because of that I had the direction that I so desperately sought, because they reflected Jesus in their interactions with me. Little things like my friend Cheryl, who also taught at that school, every single day brought me cheese and crackers like a third grader, because I wouldn't bring food for my for myself, and so she bought it from the grocery store and brought it to me every day for me to eat.

Speaker 2: 40:22

So I was continuing to live my cheetah life, complete with adrenaline dumps and night terrors and sheer exhaustion from the run, and I could not sleep. I still was not opening Bibles, still wasn't looking at those printed directions that had proven to me to be faithful and true. Oftentimes I couldn't even tell you where one of my Bibles were. I was still so lost. But those people were definitely helping me. I had my eyes on them and, right, wrong or indifferent, they are the reason why I'm still breathing air. But the repercussions of that cheetah life was bound to catch up to me, and catch up to me it did.

Speaker 2: 40:59

My first class of the morning that I taught was a chemistry class at 745. To say that I am not a morning person is a bit of an understatement. But that was especially true because my nights were filled with terror and trauma flashbacks and if you have PTSD, even if you've never been diagnosed, if you've had a flashback, you know exactly what I'm talking about. During the day I was operating off of adrenaline dumps and caffeine, but one night I was just so frustrated with not being able to sleep. I watched as every hour clicked by and I played that same game that we all played If I go to sleep now, I'll get X amount of sleep. And as that X number began dwindling down, I was determined to fall asleep and so I started taking a Klonopin, which is like a Xanax or a Valium, for every time I saw that clock hit another hour. I had been prescribed Klonopin for anxiety, but I was only supposed to take one of them, but every time I saw that clock hit an hour, I took a Klonopin. And by the time I got up to take a shower, to go to the work the next day I had taken nine Klonopin and slept zero hours.

Speaker 2: 42:00

That next day I taught my long stretch of those six classes in a row and again, for reasons that I can't explain to you, during my break period I went down, started talking to my assistant principal, who is a man that I really respected and had a lot of just admiration for and just loved his job and loved us, and so I told him what happened and he just looked at me gently and asked me if I could teach my next class. And when I told him that I could, he said come back and see me after you get done with the class. And so I didn't think much about that and I went back up and taught my seventh class and roamed back in his office and when I did, my friend Cheryl was there and she looked upset and I can't be sure Maybe she can answer this for you one day but I was pretty sure she had been crying. But we were going for a ride. Apparently Aaron and Cheryl had investigated where they could take me to get help and a few hours later I found myself in the emergency room with Cheryl where I would admit myself to the psych ward and finally stop running. I could not cry. I wasn't scared. I was somewhat grateful that someone else had taken the responsibility to take care of me.

Speaker 2: 43:04

As all the paperwork got ready. I continued to communicate with my friends on text message. Still was fine. Still wasn't scared. Communicate with my friends on text message Still was fine. Still wasn't scared. As they got me ready to admit, admit me.

Speaker 2: 43:15

And as soon as I realized that the door was going to lock when they did, I started to get a little bit scared. But then the last thing they did was take my phone and my cheetah life was officially over. At least for that moment it was over. I sobbed because they took my phone. They took away the only direction that I had been living the last two years on. That door closed behind Cheryl and it locked.

Speaker 2: 43:38

As it slammed shut, and that locked door alone caused childhood flashbacks. But in short order they had me medicated and I fell asleep in the clothes that I wore to work that day. That night the cheetah in me just stopped and it's still still, to this day, one of the best nights of sleep I've ever had. The days that were come were some of the hardest of my life, and it landed me at the feet of Jesus, who I understood was not unfamiliar with my sufferings, and because there was nothing else to distract me, I found a Bible in the psych ward. It was the first day of the rest of my life. The cheetah retired that day and I can't wait to tell you the rest of the story.

Speaker 1: 44:16

I will love you, for you, I will give you the love, the love that you never knew, hey everybody and welcome back to Wednesdays with Watson.

Speaker 2: 44:38

My name is Amy Watson, I am your host, and I am so grateful that you have returned to spend some time with us. Today. We've named this first season of our podcast, ptsd, jesus and Me, and I oftentimes just really feel the need to tell you guys that, because these things are so important and the end of my story, which is really you hearing my voice right now and hearing what the Lord has done in my life and healing of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Certainly, though, that would not be possible without what I have dubbed as the three C's and the star of my story and my church, obviously, and my faith in Jesus, my community and also trauma-informed counseling, and so I will never apologize about saying that every single week, because it is absolutely impossible to tell a story, fiction or non, without telling you about the hero, and certainly, while God provided many heroes along the way by way of community, he absolutely is the star of my story. This podcast has already been so rewarding and so interesting to me. It is a hybrid of my telling you the story of my journey of being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, but it is told in story form and, while you don't need to have listened to the podcast before it. It might be good for you to go back and listen to those, but it's not necessary because I am integrating, telling you my story and my journey of the diagnosis and treatment of PTSD, along with some science of PTSD to help you understand this phenomenon that is really way more common than I think any of us know.

Speaker 2: 46:27

One of the most popular questions that I continue to receive from the podcast is really asked in various forms. But really the question is the same is how do I know if I have PTSD? Am not a doctor, I almost have a minor in psychology from college, but all I can tell you is about my journey. But I will tell you that if you're asking me if you have PTSD, I think my answer to you at that point is inconsequential because clearly there's a reason why you're asking that question. So, by way of talking a little bit before we pick up where we left off as a cliffhanger I'm sure most of you love me for that Do.

Speaker 2: 47:15

Some people experience the same trauma and have zero effect, and some people can see or experience that same trauma and be heavily affected, many times in the form of a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder and it really depends on who you ask, and certainly there is a place, a prominent place, for biblical counseling. When we talk about PTSD and that school of thought many times and I don't think it's a wrong one and understand that could be anything from witnessing a car accident to being in a car accident, to being in war, to being on the front lines in a hospital. Many, many different things can cause trauma when our perception is that we are not safe or that we physically are not safe or that we see something. Many people that survived 9-11 clearly suffered from PTSD because of the atrocities they saw on that day.

Speaker 2: 48:35

But oftentimes trauma affects us in many different ways. Physiologically, we're all different. Certainly the lens in which we view things, view things that come into our lives, experiences that we have had going into seeing that all are going to color what affects us. But the fact of the matter is is that if you're asking me that question, my answer to you is both largely uneducated and inconsequential, because it means you're hurting and it does mean that there's something jumping up and down that needs to be addressed. While we're talking about questions coming in to me on the podcast, there are a couple ways you can do that and I will list those at the end of the podcast, which includes all of my social media platforms in addition to my website.

Speaker 2: 49:24

But I'd like to pick up from when we last spent time together. When we last spent time together, I left off telling this story about how my friend Cheryl had taken me to the emergency room. I checked myself in to be admitted to the psych ward and when I left you last, cheryl had left me behind those locked doors and that psych ward. But before I pick up on that story, I want to back up a bit because it is my desire, obviously for this podcast, for you to know the whole story and for you to get a front row seat to the healing that has been described to me by more than one person. Amy, the healing that we've seen you, just since we've known you, the healing that we see God has performed in your life, really is akin to someone beating stage four cancer, and so that is not something that I've ever taken lightly, and I do understand that. I am recording this podcast today because of so many things that happen, and so, before I pick up behind the locked doors of that psych ward, it's important for me to back up just a little bit and help you understand why, really, we believe that that was the time that my body decided to give up and that was the time that I needed to be in the hospital, and so I mentioned to you both Chrissy and Cheryl, both of whom I met at a Bible study after leaving my marriage that was filled with violence for 12 years. Chrissy was one of those people, and many of you listening to this podcast know who Chrissy is, and many times will hear me refer to her as my sister, because that is, in fact, what she is in my life, as well as her family.

Speaker 2: 51:13

But we didn't start that way. Chrissy is perhaps one of the most shy people on the planet, and so the fact that she even reached out to me and that she and I, when we met in December of 2007 in life group, the fact that she even went out of her way to come up to me and talk to me about things that she knew, was important to me. Like I remember distinctly, she knew that I am a Jaguars fan and y'all pray for me because it's a sickness actually but she had looked up information about the Jaguars and had actually come to me and that life group and had talked to me about it, and so she and I spent we were inseparable that following summer, just months before this all happened, and we did everything together and became very close. One day, we were riding down the road and I was still living in that really dark 750 square foot apartment that I continue to call the ghetto, and I was lonely and it was depressing, and I think she knew that. And Chrissy, one day we were just driving down the road and she had had a conversation with her mom, who you will refer me you often hear me refer to as Mama Bootsy, but she had asked her mom if she should ask me to come live with her, and her mom said yes, absolutely you should. And so Chrissy went out on a limb one day. We were driving down the road and asked me if I would be interested in moving in with her for a few months and I'm literally air quoting, and you'll find out why that's really funny later. As I mentioned, she and I had spent a lot, a lot of time together after meeting at church that previous December.

Speaker 2: 52:53

Part of the story that will come next, and maybe even in the next podcast, will be from Chrissy, because there is a perspective that she has that she could share with you. For those of you who are listening to this podcast, because you love somebody with PTSD, I want you to have her take on this part of the story, and so but since it's my story, I get to go first. When I responded in the affirmative that I would love to move in with her for a couple months to save money, I even surprised myself. I thought she was going to drive off the road, though, and she will tell you to this day that she was terrified of asking me to come live with her. I guess, maybe I'm I don't know, guys I guess I kind of give off a Miss Independent vibe, or maybe I did then, but either way, she was pretty scared to ask me, and I don't know why. I don't think I'm scary at all, maybe I was.

Speaker 2: 53:43

Then, anyway, she and I negotiated rent because I refused to let her give me anything. After all, I have been supporting myself since I was around seven, with the exception of the time that I was in the children's home. I have worked, and if I ate it was because I worked. If I had shelter over my head, it was because I worked, and so I wasn't going to let her give me anything. When I said that to her, though, she used some skill and she told me that if I would go to counseling and use the money for counseling, that I could live with her without paying rent. I was not, and had never been up until that point, opposed to counseling. I just really failed to find a good one. The best one that I knew was, and is, one of my closest friends, dr Krista Witt, and she was certainly too close to the situation, and I wasn't being honest with her because I knew that you know she would take me exactly where I was ending up on that day.

Speaker 2: 54:37

But I took Chrissy up on that and had my first appointment with Dr Pettit right after I moved in with her. Chrissy trusted Dr Pettit and so I trusted him, him and really like when you guys continue to hear parts of my story, you will understand that conventional wisdom would have told me and everybody who was advising me not to have a male counselor. But when I walked in his office I trusted him from the first time I saw him. He is a calm and gentle man and also he's a Christian counselor and he counsels from a Christian and a biblical worldview. But his office also felt safe to flesh out anger that maybe didn't fit in the Bible and maybe someone needed to be angry with God, and so his office felt safe. I had never felt judged, always ended up somehow back at Jesus. Some of the most recent research indicates to us that people with a worldview that is bigger than we are and so for me that is certainly God and for many of you it's the same but people with a lens in which they can view trauma from a higher power or God, the recovery does appear to be higher and faster, and so I had great hope when I was in his office because I felt like his office was a place where we could do both. I could be honest and be angry and be confused about God and still find some healing. I certainly didn't know, though, most of this on that very first visit, but I can 100% attest to that now. But when I look back at that first visit it does give me an opportunity to talk to you a little bit about two very important components of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Speaker 2: 56:28

The first time that I walked in his office was stress disorder. The first time that I walked in his office was I had been teaching all day, drove from Clearwater to St Pete and if you listened to my last podcast this won't surprise you. I got lost. For those of you who know the drive from Clearwater to St Pete, it's one road. Pretty difficult to get lost, but I did. But I finally arrived at his office and I sat down and told him 35 years of trauma from the first traumatic event that I have memory of when I was seven years old was this childhood sexual abuse to the last punch from my ex-husband when I was 35. I told him those stories like I was giving him directions to the bank. Zero emotion, all the name it claim it stuff in there. He and I remember that first appointment exactly the same. I was smiling, I was upbeat. I told him the story like I'm telling it to you, maybe even in some creative storytelling language, but I essentially told him with zero emotion. I quoted my favorite name it claim it stuff. I threw in my favorite verse, philippians 1.12. I told him it was worth it all to me if somebody could get help, that I really wanted God to use it, and certainly that's still true today. But he and I remember that visit when I sat down and just literally told him this remarkable body of trauma, without a single tear and without a single part of emotion.

Speaker 2: 57:57

Many, many times when people would ask me how I was doing and some people who were in my life at that time would laugh when they hear this, but I was asked how I was doing, including when Dr Pettit asked me how I was doing, my standard answer was it's all good, and that was my answer. But what happened in his office that day was a phenomenon that is very familiar and are hallmarks for PTSD, and in some ways both of these are interchangeable detachment versus disassociation. And so, in form of detachment, I was telling Dr Pettit the story as though it happened to somebody else and not as though it happened to me, and the disassociation part is also a little bit of that, but it's also some of it I've left out, I forgot and I've remembered those things as I've healed. That disassociation part has certainly gotten better and so I had my appointment and drove back. I had already moved into Chrissy's by then. He told me that he would see me in a week.

Speaker 2: 59:01

I was so happy to be out of that dark apartment. Chrissy was super, super nice, had plenty of space for me, I was comfortable at her house. But I had this really, really unfamiliar feeling. And it wasn't a bad feeling and I didn't want to medicate it, but it was a confusing feeling. It was a warm feeling, it was a fuzzy feeling. It was almost a feeling like you feel like when somebody gives you a big hug that you want. You guys remember hugs during a pandemic. Anybody remember hugs. That's what it felt like. Later I would find out that that feeling was safety. I was safe for the first time since leaving the children's home. Although I'm not sure that I would have been able to identify it at that time, I had experienced what that feeling was. In fact, I know I couldn't have identified it at that time.

Speaker 2: 59:53

I had experienced a lot of pain and really tried to process some of the pain in that dark apartment, and so many of those nights and even days had been filled with such terror and attempts to soothe that terror with medicine all the time. And that medicine, albeit prescribed, I just didn't follow the directions. There's an old saying if you have a problem with addiction and whether my addiction was temporary to deal with temporary pain, or whether it's a legitimate addiction is inconsequential. But there's an old saying when you're trying to self-medicate, which is absolutely a hallmark of a PTSD patient, one pill is too many and 10,000 is not enough. And so, even while at Chrissy's because I felt safe, everything got worse. The night terrors got worse, the lack of sleep got worse, all of it got worse. The pain was real and I was just trying to take as much medicine as I could. I was very comfortable there, but, like I said, the nights just got worse and worse and worse and worse. This confused me because I didn't understand, but it is a fairly understood phenomenon. Now I was safe and so, for the first time in a long time, my body decided I'm done. And that led to the night when I took those non-clonopin to sleep. I would find out later that Dr Pettit did not expect to see me at a next appointment. He fully expected the phone call that he received from the hospital.

Speaker 2: 1:01:21

As I mentioned, that first night in the hospital was the best sleep that maybe I've ever had since. When I woke up, though, the person in the bed beside me was different from the night before. The night before there was an elderly lady there with dementia, but this person was different. I will never forget Stacy. She didn't need to tell me why she was there, though the bandages that covered her forearms both of them told the story for her. That made me sad, and she was angry that she was there and apparently had arrived in the middle of the night, but I was just stunned as I stared at her forearms, where she had tried to take her life the night before and had barely made it to the hospital in time.

Speaker 2: 1:02:07

I was looking forward to the visitation times. There were two of them, one in the morning and one in the evening. Almost all of my friends had to work, but Chrissy had a job with some flexibility, and she was there every single time that she was allowed to be. I do want to stop right here for a second, because when I look back on this day and maybe you can hear the emotion in my voice, because it's a precious, it was a precious time, but I want to stop right here and pray for any of you. Under the sound of my voice, you find yourself where I was. I beg God that you have a Cheryl. I beg God that you have a Chrissy, I beg God that you have a Chris DeWitt in your life and, honestly, those are just three people that I will introduce and so many more that are part of my story. I beg God that you would understand that I had all three well, two of them in my life because of that one decision to go to that Bible study, because that one time, that one time, god really gave me the strength to not isolate. That one time, god really gave me the strength to not isolate that one night.

Speaker 2: 1:03:14

Isolation is such a hallmark of PTSD. All I had to do was make that decision that one time, and even though I was traumatized, boy did I ever, ever, ever reap the benefits from that one decision. And so, even though we are traumatized and we have every reason to make bad decisions when we have post-traumatic stress disorder. We are going to be a product of the consequences of the decisions we made Two decisions one of them I was helped to make, the other one I wasn't but to go to counseling. But, more importantly, that one time not to isolate meant everything, and it meant that Chrissy was my very first visitor in the psych ward that day, and she asked me what she could bring me, and I asked for two things I asked for my pajamas and I asked for my Bible and those of you that know me know that the pajamas aren't a surprise, but those of you that listened to my last podcast know that I hadn't picked up a Bible in a while.

Speaker 2: 1:04:15

I paced the floors that morning waiting for visitation time. Food came and I just stared at it, didn't drink my coffee. I couldn't wait to see Chrissy. I was terrified. I saw and heard things there that I still can't forget.

Speaker 2: 1:04:30

I remember a distinct feeling of freedom, though it truly did not matter who expected me to do what, where or what speed. Every single aspect of my life or the expectation of my life were in the hands of the doctors who had diagnosed me with the most severe form of PTSD, still currently on the books. I was truly shocked. I was sure that waiting it out, getting up every time I got punched, I was convinced that my efforts would lead to a brain not tormented by trauma. I use this word trauma a lot. In some ways, it's important that I remember it even today, because it was doing a number on me for sure.

Speaker 2: 1:05:12

It took me a long time to understand, to let myself off of that hook that I kept putting myself on. This, swallow your pride, get better, get up. I was throwing the own Christian cliches at me, as I mentioned before the verses Many, many times I put my hands to the plow and attempted to do something else and didn't look back. It didn't feel like I was inheriting the kingdom of God. Though Chrissy got there. I was sad to see her leave that morning, but that night she returned along with a bunch of people. I was only allowed two visitors at a time. About ten of them would show up and they had to come see me in shifts. Stacey and I hung out together along with some of the other patients that were in for the same reasons as us PTSD, anxiety and depression. One of the reasons why it was so scary was because the hospital was doing construction, and so they had combined patients with anxiety and depression with some patients who had more severe disorders that often required outbursts that were scary and lots of witness scenes of shots of Haldol, and so it was terrifying. So this group of us that were in this anxiety, depression, ptsd hung together, and so Stacey and I were in that group.

Speaker 2: 1:06:33

Oddly, I wanted to write and so when I asked for a pencil, they gave me this. It still makes me laugh. They gave me this dull pencil that was about an inch long. It still makes me laugh. They gave me this dull pencil that was about an inch long. It's not at all funny, but I remember trying to write with that pencil. It was hilarious.

Speaker 2: 1:06:48

Stacy scooted her chair beside me and asked me what I was doing and I told her I was just journaling. She pointed to my Bible and she said does that help you? She asked me and I looked up and I knew it was a moment and, regardless of how broken I felt, how mad I was at God, how confused I was, I knew it was a moment. So I talked to her about God and our stories and I kept watching her. She kept looking down at my Bible and she kept it like it was going to give her something that she needed. It was the Bible that I bought when I fled my marriage. It was pretty special to me. She asked me how to read the Bible, and, of course, I hadn't read mine in a while.

Speaker 2: 1:07:34

Suddenly, the teacher in me came out, though, and so I shared with her the birthday verse idea. I don't know where I got the birthday verse idea. I was sharing it with somebody recently and I couldn't remember who to give credit to. I guess it's possible that I made it up, but, for example, your birthday verse is your birthday month and your birthday. So my birthday is December 1st, and so my birthday verse that I picked is Romans 12.1. So you go through the entire Bible and you look up the month and the day and you pick the verse that works for you, and so I said to Stacy hey, what's your birthday? She said my birthday is on Halloween. I said, okay, well, let's start in Matthew 10.31. So I opened my Bible to Matthew 10.31. And here's the verse that God gave Stacey and me Do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.

Speaker 2: 1:08:33

Stacey told me that she wanted to believe, that she would make eye contact with me, but looked down and played with the frayed parts on her bandages on her wrists. I could tell you this I was way in over my head because I wasn't even sure I believed her birthday verse. We were both terrified. Neither of us believed we were valuable. I still fully, though, understood the gravity of that moment. I told her what I could about how much I loved Jesus, in spite of the fact that I was sitting in the psych ward after taking too much medicine to sleep. She asked me if I was trying to kill myself, and, with a clear conscience, I told her I wasn't. But I also told her that I wasn't a super fan of staying on the planet either, but that I understood that Jesus could walk me there.

Speaker 2: 1:09:21

I told Stacy that I struggled understanding that I was valuable to him, more valuable than a little old bird that he loves. I watched a sparrow just this morning on my porch and I was reminded of this again, how much he loves the sparrows. I told her. I said I don't understand, stacy, how I'm valuable, how all these things happen, but I know you're valuable and I know I'm valuable and we don't have to be afraid.

Speaker 2: 1:09:48

I told her I plan to keep fighting. I really wanted to tell her that I was fighting because I believed I was worth something. But while I believed that verse in my head, I could not make that truth stay in my head. I told her I was going to fight. I was going to fight for the people that love me, and maybe somewhere along the way I could fight for myself too. And I told her if you need to fight for somebody else right now, you fight for them. You'll fight for you at some point One day. We'll both realize how valuable we are.

Speaker 2: 1:10:19

I told her I was borrowing the faith of my friends because I was having a hard time finding my own, but I knew it was there. I told her that my faith wasn't weak because I was in the same place as she was in the psych ward, but that God's promises were strong. The reality is, I had beat myself up plenty of times and I felt weak. I didn't feel valuable. As I continue to mention, I preached Bible verses to myself, so often misused in these cases. I was tired of putting my hand to the plow. I was tired of working hard to forget and move on, only to have one more burden placed on me. I needed to look back, and sitting in that psych ward forced me to do that. I told her that both of us could work on understanding and accepting our value and giving some respect to the pain that landed us in that hospital.

Speaker 2: 1:11:08

The deepest part of me then, and especially now, believes that I am valuable, but I have to be reminded it is where I get attacked. The place that exhibits a self and behavior that results in not taking care of myself. Attacked. The place that exhibits a self and behavior that results in not taking care of myself, not eating just all kinds of stuff that I just have to do every day. That's, for some of you, a second nature. She asked me if she could have that Bible and when she got out of the hospital three days before I did, she took it with her. I continued to think about Stacy and her birthday verse and the promise written there, even though it felt like I was talking to thin air. I threw out some words to God, asking him to give me the will to live. I did not have it. I also believe the beautiful descriptions of heaven and even now envisioning arriving in heaven and getting this big, giant welcome hug from Jesus, so comforting to me. Welcome hug from Jesus, so comforting to me.

Speaker 2: 1:12:01

I was then, and in some cases am now, so tired and weary from the constant bouts and that boxing ring that just kept layering trauma atop of trauma. Every day we would all line up at the door of the doctors as they came on the psych ward and we all hoped that that day would be the day they would release us. Day after day, they would tell me one more day, and then that day came and I was still there. Chrissy came every time she could, and so did others. It was hard not to see the concern in all of their faces, but it seems like, and it seemed like there was something that they weren't telling me. Finally, after five days, chrissy told me to eat at mealtimes and maybe they would let me go home. I had continued to spend days pushing the food around on my plate, leaving it right where I found it. I started attempting to eat and or got good at hiding it, and finally they let me out of the hospital. I walked out the doors of the hospital and across the street was the Pinellas County Courthouse, and on on the way home, I found out what they were not telling me. While I was in the hospital, my ex-husband sent a series of emails with threats to kill me in some of the most graphic ways you can imagine, and whatever communication God and I were having over that whole value thing was gone, because I simply could not understand why he could not give me a break. I was done. I went home with a stack of medication and I plan to use it too. Hey guys, it's me again and we are still in 2024.

Speaker 2: 1:13:41

Thank you for listening to these throwback episodes of the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. We would love it. If you subscribe to the podcast, you can do that right there in your app, wherever you are. You can follow as a checkmark at the top right-hand corner of Apple Podcasts and then just right in other apps, you can just follow or subscribe and help the show grow.

Speaker 2: 1:14:02

As we go into September, we will be having new content, as I mentioned at the beginning of the show, and a new format as well, as I get closer to finishing my doctorate degree. One more thing by means of housekeeping, if you are so inclined, the Patreon link is in the show notes, and so if you want to support what we're doing here, which is to help people who cannot afford counseling. Please just click on that link and you can support us for as low as $5 a month, as many of my listeners do. And so until two weeks from now, when we bring you some more throwback episodes, I want you to remember what I always say, and I never leave a microphone without it you are seen, you are known, you are heard, you are loved and you are so, so valued. And ask yourself today, can you answer the question in the affirmative, just like I can? Has he been faithful for all of your life?

Speaker 1: 1:15:16

And she says Tell me what love, what love really means, what love really means. He's waiting to die, as he sits all alone. He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done. He utters a cry from the depths of his soul oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home. Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside and it said I know you've murdered and I know you've lied, and I have watched you suffer all of your life, all of your life. And now that you're older still, I'll tell you that I, I will love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you. I will give you the love, the love that you never knew. Love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you the love, the love that you never knew. Thank you.