The Truth About Emotional Command and Its Impact on Our Joy - 192

Unlock the secrets of a fulfilling life as I, Sean, your guide and performance coach, reveal why owning your mindset is more than just a belief—it's the key to unlocking the life you yearn for. Amidst the high stakes of special operations and coaching top executives, I've discovered that while many profess to have a handle on their outlook, their actions and emotions often tell a different story. No guest today, just me distilling years of insights into an exploration of the disconnect between what we claim about our control over our emotions and the reality reflected in our day-to-day satisfaction and joy.

This solo episode peels back the layers of mindset mastery, examining the common pitfalls even the most seemingly self-assured individuals face. Through the lens of my unique assessments, we'll confront the uncomfortable truths about our internal barometers of happiness and how they often contrast with our self-perceptions. Get ready to challenge your own assumptions and learn how to align your inner narrative with the extraordinary life you envision. It's not about the facade of control but the genuine command over our feelings and reactions that paves the way for personal triumph and contentment.

Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance?  Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.  

Transcript

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Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to the reload , where we help unconventional leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning the assumptions they have about how life works . My name is Sean and I'll be your host on this journey . As a performance coach and special operations combat veteran , I help high performing executives kick ass in their careers while connecting with deeply powerful insights that fuel their lives . Welcome and hello . Today . We're going to try to make it short and snappy , and really , what we're going to be looking at today is this notion of do we truly own our outlook or our mindset or attitude . Why is that important ? Well , because , generally , it's our outlook and our mindset that dictate the actions that we're willing to take , and it's those actions , born of our various choices and behavioral outlook , I would say , that serve to facilitate achieving the goals that we have for ourselves and that make up the character of the life that we're living Now .

Speaker 1 1:15

Part of my coaching process involves a variety of assessments , and those assessments are designed to help us understand . Okay , what would we actually be working on in an engagement ? Some of that is going to be topical what are the topics that are going to be included , what are the issues ? But then , part of it as well is to give me a sense of where somebody's mindset is . More specifically , how deep into mindset mastery have they actually gotten ? Now , what's interesting is one of those assessments . There's been a pattern that I've noticed over the years , and it leads me to believe that most people don't truly master their mindset and outlook , despite claiming that they take responsibility for how they feel and that they feel sort of in control of their own destiny , that they're able to create whatever life they want for themselves . Now , there are a number of prompts that go into any of these assessments , but the one that I've been looking at most recently in terms of identifying this pattern has three that stand out for me , and those three statements that lend themselves toward where clients advertise or claim that they are the master of their fate and they're the master of the way that they look at life are number one regardless of what others say or do I take responsibility for how I feel ? Number two , I choose how I react , two situations . And number three , I believe I can create any life for myself that I choose . So those are the three that stand out the most in terms of statements of mastering one's outlook and one's mindset .

Speaker 1 3:21

Now , what's interesting for me to observe and again the the trend that I picked out here is that later on in the assessment there are some additional prompts that get rated by the client and these have seemed to indicate that maybe their perspective is lacking some inner awareness . So the prompts that seem to cut in the other direction , again based on how the clients are rating themselves this is not me rating them or some outside body , this is the client rating him or herself . So the prompts that cut against mastering one's own outlook or mindset are number one regardless of what happens to me , I feel a permanent sense of joy and contentment within . And number two , my mood and sense of wellbeing change depending on my life circumstance . Now , the first three that I read off clients tend to rate themselves very highly in those particular prompts , but those last two , those last two are typically rated quite low and to me what this highlights is that we so often have a desire to be the person that's unflappable , or to be the person that really does own their stuff right and that maintains a sense of , I don't know , a groundedness , I guess , in one's own locus of control . But we see , and part of the reason why the assessment has prompts that are hitting on basically sort of the same theme or topic but with different wording , is because what it does it is it helps pop out where it is that the person's sense of inner mastery starts to break apart or fall down .

Speaker 1 5:25

Now why is any of this useful for you ? Because you probably haven't taken this assessment . The reason that I think it can be useful to talk about it on today's show is because , when we look at where it is that we are trying to create a life for ourselves that we don't currently possess Right In the past I've talked about I forget the name of the book , but there's a world famous coach who's written a few books I think a couple of them have been best sellers and in his first book that really , you know , got him in public acclaim . One of the things that he mentions is that you are winning at the life you already have because you have it Right . So it's I mean , it's not rocket surgery , but what he's trying to point out is that generally , when people come to a coach , they are looking to create a new life .

Speaker 1 6:21

Now , that may be drastically new , or it may be just shading in around the edges , but in either case , they want something different from what they currently have , whether a little or a lot , and in order for that to become a reality , we have to acknowledge where it is that we don't actually feel empowered . Where do we not truly believe that we are empowered ? Where do we get derailed or pushed off course by the circumstances of life . And so for you , regardless of what your goals are because obviously through a podcast or one way medium , I'm not going to be able to recognize or speak to whatever challenges you're facing in relation to the goals that you're trying to pursue but what we can do is we can take an understanding of okay , most people like to think that they are really empowered individuals who can create whatever future state they want for themselves , and yet so many people start to stumble when life , circumstance and external factors start to push on them and start to trip them up .

Speaker 1 7:44

So what you can do in your life is you can write down the major goals that you're attempting to accomplish , and if you have more than , I would say , five , then you're probably tackling too much . Really , if we're looking at and obviously do what you want . You know it's your life , but I'm just trying to relay some of the things that I've observed in years of coaching individuals and years of helping people really truly get to the life that they want versus the life that they already have . And in that I found that when it comes to big substantive changes , people tend to do best when they have about three , because if it really is sort of a major makeover , there's a limit to how much you can take on in any given year or potentially even set of years . So in either case , I would say , write down the major goals that you're trying to accomplish and then start to notice where is it in your life that external factors have pushed you off course from achieving the goals that you say you want ?

Speaker 1 8:57

And I'm a big advocate of noticing first . It's not that we don't ever get to action . We will . Well , I should say you will . But to begin with it is so useful to notice and to observe , to really map out the landscape , so that you can move forward in a more informed and aware manner when it actually does come time for action . But in the beginning , write down hey , I want to achieve this goal , whether it is a fitness goal or whether it is a career goal or a relationship relationship what am I just saying relationship or relational ? There we go . Goal , no matter what you're trying to accomplish , or financial , or you know , et cetera , no matter what you're trying to accomplish , have those goals clearly written down in a place that you will actually reference regularly . It does you no good if this is something that you wrote down on New Year's Eve as a New Year's Eve resolution and then you don't look at it again , either ever or until the next New Year's Eve . So part of this is just sort of the mundane detail of getting your nose in it on a regular basis and then from there observe how much progress have you actually made ?

Speaker 1 10:21

And don't bullshit yourself . Don't tell yourself if it like I don't know , let's pick something simple . Let's say it's a fitness goal and you want to lose weight . Why ? Because a lot of people in America are overweight and you want to lose weight . You want to lose body fat . In particular , you want to get your body fat to muscle ratio in a better place . Well , if you haven't lost any body fat , you can't sit there and tell yourself that you're doing a good job with that . I suppose you can fit , it's physically possible , but you're going to be lying to yourself . So take note of the goals , observe how much progress have you actually made ? And then start to really pay attention to what is pushing you off course . Are you not exercising ? Are you eating junk food ? Are you sleeping poorly , which is for sure going to negatively impact your ability to create body recomposition ?

Speaker 1 11:24

Once you've noticed where you're getting pushed off course , ask yourself point blank am I really truly showing up in a place , a mindset of mastering my own destiny , or am I making excuses ? And when I say making , or when it really , when any coach says that a client is making excuses , it's not that the excuse is invalid . I think sometimes we have this notion inside of ourselves that if somebody is making excuse , that it's either falsehood , that it's fantasy , or that it's somehow not legitimate . And years ago I came across this concept of a noble excuse . Well , you know , I would spend more time on myself , getting myself in better shape , sleeping more , really taking care of my health , except I have to take care of the kids . And lo and behold , there was another coach that was talking about this and he really let people have it with both barrels both , you know , notionally a shotgun barrel . I mean , he really , truly did not hold back . If he , if he saw that somebody was diluting themselves and they were making excuses even if they were noble excuses , even if they had legitimacy to them and they were not just made up fantasies he would tell people point blank hey , I have all the compassion in the world for you . I have kids myself . I don't , but the coach that was talking that did have kids .

Speaker 1 13:14

And we have to be honest with ourselves and the goals that we're trying to accomplish and recognize that if we say , oh , I would do , I would pursue this goal that I've set for myself , but for insert , whatever reason , well then you don't value the goal as much as you think you do and you are not demonstrating as much mastery of yourself as you believe you can . You're allowing your goal to be pushed away by something else . Now , in my book as a coach , I don't moralize over my clients . If somebody tells me they want to achieve something and then they consistently don't achieve it and are instead allocating that time , energy and attention to something else , well then at some point I just say , hey , have you noticed that you seem to keep getting pushed off course of this goal that you say is important ? Yes , okay . Well , maybe it's not that important and maybe we would be better served you would be better served , dear client , if you picked a different goal , maybe one that's in alignment with your actual choices , because sometimes we set goals that are also not born of true inner awareness . We set goals because we think we ought to .

Speaker 1 14:50

And going back to that fat loss , body recomposition goal that you know I was using for this example Well , are there reasons to be to have less body fat and more muscle mass ? Yes , there are legitimate , valid medical concerns , but then there's also a lot of social pressure and there's a lot of marketing around having a you know , quote unquote fit , sexy body . And so if somebody is being motivated by a goal that they think they ought to have , based on whatever external messaging , and it's really not a goal , it's not a goal that they're using and it's really not truly aligned with with who they are or what they really want out of life , then that goal is probably going to go nowhere , at least not in a sustainable long-term way . So then it is it better for us to ask okay , well , what would be more aligned with what you want to accomplish ? Well , in the chapter of your life , we're taking care of your kids , getting them to you know sports , and getting them to after school events and making sure that they have play dates and et cetera , et cetera . If that is actually truly what's more important to you , well then , own it and recognize that maybe for now your body's going to look a little marshmallow-y , right , and hey , okay , that doesn't mean you can't ever get back in shape . It doesn't mean that you couldn't maybe find some ways to do a little bit more moving around , you know , walks while your kid is practicing , or who knows what , right I'm not .

Speaker 1 16:39

I'm not trying to get too bogged down in real-world examples here , but really it's more a matter of how do we truly recognize ? Where is it that we are owning our choices ? Where is it that we are owning our behavior , instead of simply saying that we do but then not actually doing it ? All right , I hope this was quick and easy for you . I hope that it's also quite actionable for you and that you use it to help you make a better life for yourself . And if you've been enjoying the show , I would love it if you would subscribe , follow thumbs up , smash that like button or whatever is present on whatever app you're using and share . Share with individuals who would also benefit , or don't totally up to you , just own it . You know what I'm saying ? All right , until next time , take care of each other .