Conquering Performance Anxiety: Strategies from Boardrooms to Martial Arts Arenas - 205

Performance anxiety is a universal challenge that even the highest achievers face. Imagine being on the brink of a crucial board meeting or stepping into the ring for a Muay Thai fight and feeling paralyzed by anxiety. This episode of The Reload takes you through the intricate maze of performance anxiety with personal anecdotes from the world of martial arts and practical insights for those in high-stakes environments, from corporate boardrooms to combat zones. We uncover how focusing too much on optimizing performance can sometimes lead to overlooking the essential mental and emotional groundwork needed for true success.

Discover how balancing preparation and performance can be a game-changer, especially for high-level executives grappling with endless travel, sleep deprivation, and poor nutrition. Hear compelling stories that illustrate the necessity of understanding the difference between preparation time and moments of truth. By being fully present and not obsessing over external perceptions, we reveal how effective preparation can make or break success in critical situations—whether it’s a board meeting or a martial arts competition.

Lastly, we tackle the grind and growth, emphasizing the importance of rest and being present in high-pressure scenarios. Overcoming inner demons and fears is pivotal, and we introduce you to practical tools like Tim Ferriss’s fear-setting exercise. We stress the importance of focusing on process over outcome to stay true to your passion and commitment to your craft. Align your actions with your beliefs and show up authentically in every moment, steering your journey towards continuous improvement. From personal growth stories to actionable insights, this episode is packed with valuable lessons for anyone striving to achieve peak performance.

Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance? Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the Reload, where we help unconventional leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning the assumptions they have about how life works. My name is Sean and I'll be your host on this journey. As a performance coach and special operations combat veteran, I help high-performing executives kick ass in their careers while connecting with deeply powerful insights that fuel their lives. Welcome, welcome, welcome. That fuel their lives, welcome, welcome, welcome. Hopefully you are having a great day, great night, whatever it might be for you. Today's conversation is brought to you by my paying clients, who are effectively the sponsors of this show, and they are also, by and large, the inspiration for the show. So many of the episodes that I do here are directly inspired by and fueled by, the coaching conversations that I have, whether it's with my executive clients, whether it's with my special operations veteran clients, what have you. But today's conversation is inspired by a conversation that I had very recently, and it is with one of my buddies from Muay Thai. Now, as I've said in past episodes, who knows how long I'm going to be training Muay Thai or Jiu Jitsu, because there's a fair amount of pain that comes with training in combat sports or martial arts, but there are so many lessons that I've been able to take away from that training, and while most of the stories or most of the lessons I've been speaking about most recently come from this most recent round of training at the current place where I train which is wonderful, by the way lots of really great people there are echoes of the things that I've learned here that have also shown up in the past at other training academies, other dojos, whatever you want to call it, and so it's interesting for me to be able to reflect on this kind of long history of lessons learned and, as I so often like to do, the ability to try to connect them with analogous experiences from other parts of my life, other areas where perhaps I wanted something really badly so badly, in fact, that I ended up allowing myself to get in my own head and I was so consumed with trying to win, to be the winner, to be the champ, that I allowed myself to really fall into a place of fear and, instead of performing at my highest potential, what I did instead was get super jittery and tight and in no way performed to what my actual potential was, and not even potential as in wow. This is the maximum that I will ever achieve, but even just the level, the standard that I had set for myself previously.

Speaker 1: 3:21

And so this conversation that I had today at least as per the date of recording with this buddy of mine at Muay Thai got me thinking about this, because I've also been dealing with this with a number of clients as well, where they recognize that they want to optimize their performance, their performance, and, in reality, most of the high performers, if not all the high performers I've ever met spend a lot of time focused on how they might optimize their performance. You know they do wacky things, like hire coaches, like me. They engage in after-action reviews to analyze how things went. They obsess over details, often related to technique, and it's in fixating on the doing, fixating on the action, that they often end up completely bypassing or spending no time better understanding what's happening inside, inside their heart and soul, inside their mind. They're so fixated on technique and form and function, but they're not looking at foundation, but they're not looking at foundation.

Speaker 1: 4:51

And so today I thought it would be really, really, really useful for us to take a gander at performance anxiety. And where is it that we engage in performance anxiety? What causes it to come forward, when what we tell ourselves is that we want to do our best, but then, in that moment of truth whether that moment of truth is a board meeting or a difficult negotiation, or getting into the ring competing, or if I'm talking to my special operations buddies getting shot at, which is a place that I've been on more than one occasion, I can tell you it can be an exhilarating experience, although usually not too much fun. But in whatever forum you find yourself, whatever your quote-unquote arena happens to be, how do we perform in that moment of truth happens to be, how do we perform in that moment of truth? So, as you know, if you've been listening to the show for any length of time, I love going to the dictionary, and today is going to be no different.

Speaker 1: 5:55

So, when we begin to look at performance anxiety, I think it's useful for us to begin to create a framework of understanding. What do we actually mean when we are talking about performance anxiety? So frequently, individuals use terminology and they have a vague connection to what it means, or they have their own individualized sense of oh, I think it means this, but then they don't actually fully understand the concept that they're trying to work through. And so, as simplistic as it may seem, I think oftentimes going to the dictionary is tremendously clarifying, especially when we begin to analyze the history of the root word. Where did this thing come from? What are the concepts that you know when I make this sound with my mouth performance anxiety, what was the original meaning of the terminology that we're engaging in? Because when we look at that, we begin to kind of peer into the minds of previous humans and we can start to see oh yeah, my experience is kind of like other people's experiences and it goes, it transforms the problem that we're facing from something that feels very individualized and potentially unsolvable to, oh no, other people have faced this as well and collectively we have found ways to deal with this. I have resources that I can access. I don't have to be in this by myself, because oftentimes when we're in a highly stressed or highly charged experience, it very frequently does feel like we're sort of in it alone. Thus any work that we can do to try to draw in parallel examples and to draw in assistance can be so tremendously effective in helping us navigate uncharted territory or, if we've been there before, helping us navigate a problem that's been kicking our ass.

Speaker 1: 8:06

So let's look at some of these definitions. I may be the only one that's excited about this, but that's okay because it's my show. So if we look at, first off, performance, we see the execution of an action, the fulfillment of a claim, promise or request, and I think that one we might want to keep an eye on that one here, because I think that's going to be relevant as to where this performance anxiety starts to show up. We also see the ability to perform, and, conveniently enough, that is linked out to another definition, and if you want to know where I go for all of my word definitions, I go to merriam-webstercom in order to keep it consistent. So, when we look at perform, what we begin to see is to adhere to the terms of, as in, to perform a contract or to perform to an agreed upon circumstance. And then we also see to carry out an action or pattern of behavior. But again going back to performance, the fulfillment of a claim, promise or request. I want you to keep that in your mind.

Speaker 1: 9:35

So then, if we go to anxiety, oh, one quick thing before we go any further, let's check out the old word history, right? I mean, why go through all that preamble about why words are so important if we don't look at the word history. So if we're looking at the etymology of the word perform, it actually has a pretty long history. First known use was in the 14th century. That's been a minute. So what's interesting to me at least in looking through this right, so I'll just read it real quick. This may be quite boring for you, so I'll just read it real quick and then we'll kind of dive into it.

Speaker 1: 10:13

So when you're looking at Merriam-Webster's website, it'll say Middle English to complete, perfect, accomplish, carry out, as in a duty or plan, construct, borrowed from Anglo-French to carry out, execute, complete, which that was also then derived from Old French, which is a combination of par or pair, and then fournier or fournier I'm not sure I'm pronouncing that right, so don't sue me which originally, way back when, meant to supply or provide. So there's this interesting transition in the language where originally we're talking about to supply or provide, and then we're moving on to the Anglo-French version of to carry out, execute, complete, and it's not until we get into Middle English that we start to see perfect or to carry out a duty, perfect or to carry out a duty, and so somewhere in sort of the collective culture. We're going from simply providing or supplying something which I would guess most people think of that as a fairly neutral concept to then the migration of that word, or the evolution of that word, getting into Middle English where now all of a sudden there's this undertone or overtone, whichever around perfection and carrying out a duty, and where is there this added sense of obligation that comes with it potentially and I think that that can very frequently get tied into what I was telling you earlier about the fulfillment of a claim or promise and where is it that anxiety enters the show? So when we look at definitions for anxiety, we start to see apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness, usually over an impending or anticipated ill. We also end up seeing mentally distressing concern or interest, end up seeing mentally distressing concern or interest and, lastly, a strong desire, sometimes mixed with doubt, fear or uneasiness. All right, so when we're looking at performance and we're looking at the evolution of that word more specifically perform, we eventually get to this Middle English version that carries that undertone of perfection, of carrying out a duty, and then we couple that with this definition of anxiety, especially this element of having a strong desire, but that it's mixed with this sense that it's going to go ill, it's going to go awry, that we have a doubt or we have a fear or an uneasiness of the outcome.

Speaker 1: 13:30

In coaching we like to say that rumination on the past equals depression, whereas stress about the future equals anxiety. And this is pretty crass, but it gets the point across. There's an interview that I listened to long ago and the person being interviewed said well, you know, with one foot in the past and one foot in the present, ah, I always screw this up, sorry. With one foot in the past and one foot in the future, we piss on the present. And yeah, I mean that's super crass, but I think it really drives a visual. I mean, it certainly does that, but it drives this visual about how frequently we are not actually present and we spend so much of our life as humans, especially as adult humans, as adult humans, forecasting saying oh, I want this, I want that, I want to achieve, I want to be someone. I want to be someone what? Someone worth loving, someone worth admiring, someone worth respecting, whatever it is. I want to be this thing, as though it's out there somewhere, and if only we could get there, then things would be well. But we end up missing the present because we're so far forward.

Speaker 1: 15:04

So when we look at this conversation that I had, this particular individual really cares about Muay Thai and if you don't know what Muay Thai is, it's I don't know basically like Thai boxing, I guess you could say, except that they also use elbows and knees and kicks. It's not just like boxing with your hands. Now he has a professional job, but there's a passion, there's a real passion in this activity of Muay Thai, so much so that he dedicates tremendous amounts of time in his life to this activity and has most likely incurred financial costs and healthcare costs getting worked on by a physical therapist. I know that that happens. It definitely happens with me, and I am not even competitive. So there's a lot that he's put into this martial art and I don't know the full scope of why it's important to him or what it represents for him.

Speaker 1: 16:06

I know that there is this strong fire for competition and also, I think, to prove certain things to himself. Now, again, I don't fully know what those things are, but any competitor that I've ever met, whether they compete in the corporate world or whether they compete in an octagon or a boxing ring or on a battlefield in some foreign country. Any person that I've ever met that was deeply engaged in competition has been trying to prove something to themselves, or, in many cases, multiple things. I know that when I deployed to Iraq for the first time, having already volunteered for special operations and gone through some very stringent filtration processes and training processes that were designed to weed people out who weren't serious about that kind of work, there were definitely things that I wanted to prove to myself. And there were definitely things that I wanted to prove to myself, and there were also things that I wanted to experience. For instance, how much could I handle? That was a deep curiosity for me, and you might wonder well, geez, I mean, there's probably plenty of ways to figure that one out without, you know, getting shot at. And yeah, I don't disagree.

Speaker 1: 17:29

But one thing I will say about that experience is that, putting one's physical self on the line to that extreme, there are not all that many environments that offer that degree of intensity, environments that offer that degree of intensity, and as much as I tried to fight it for most of my life, I have come to recognize that in many ways I am pretty intense, even though I maintain a calm demeanor and I generally don't raise my voice. But yeah, there's a lot of ways in which I like intensity, I like the intensity of experience, and so that's a lot of ways in which I like intensity, I like the intensity of experience, and so that was a part of that chapter of my life, was trying to sound the depths of my soul. And I know for a lot of the individuals that do jujitsu and also Muay Thai again, they're putting their bodies at physical risk. Now are they going to get killed? I would say probably, like 99% of the time the answer to that is no. Has it happened that somebody's become paralyzed or gravely injured? Yeah, it has, and that's always a possibility, even if it is unlikely. But in either case, I think we have these individuals that put themselves on the line like that.

Speaker 1: 18:47

And when I reflect on the executives that I work with, sure, nobody in a corporate meeting has taken a swing at you, but in many ways the executives that I work with, they put their bodies through all kinds of punishment, usually in the form of lack of sleep and poor nutrition and constantly traveling, and that creates a wear and tear, even if and I know you're going to be thinking like oh gosh, like first world problems. Like some of my clients do travel in private jets, like I get it right, like it's easy for us to dismiss that. It's like I get it right, like it's easy for us to dismiss that. But there's an element there where I mean they're spending sometimes I don't know 280, 300 days a year traveling and they're missing out on a lot of things in their life as a result Certain milestones with their children, for instance, or anniversaries. So most of the clients that I've worked with, especially the CEOs, they have really sacrificed quite a bit to be in those top tier levels of performance and so performing at their best is really important to them.

Speaker 1: 20:04

But ultimately, what we're trying to avoid is getting paralyzed by performance anxiety when we are faced with the moment of truth. And so there's this element, I think, of walking the line, this balancing moment, right, or I don't know slack line of sorts right, or I don't know a slack line of sorts right, where we're trying to get the best of both worlds. Oftentimes, when I speak with individuals about performance anxiety, they take kind of a I don't know rebellious stance initially and they like to kind of flip it back at me and say, oh well, you know. So then I guess I shouldn't have any goals, because otherwise I'm going to risk being paralyzed by the fear that I might not achieve my goal. And that's where this concept of walking that line between two worlds comes into play.

Speaker 1: 20:58

I think it's quite legitimate for us to have goals and to also care about future outcomes. I'm not telling you to become fatalistic or to abdicate, wanting a better tomorrow, a better you tomorrow. But again, it's, what is the tipping point? What is the tipping point between how we carry our goals and our cares and our concerns about the future into the moment of truth? And you know, again, what is the moment of truth for you. I don't know. Is it a board meeting? Is it a critical negotiation? Is it a shareholder meeting? Is it a crucial conversation with a family member or a team member? Is it a martial arts competition or some other kind of competition? You know, it doesn't have to be martial arts, it can be. I don't know. Maybe it's a gallery showing because you're an artist, or it's a concert where you are a musician that's performing. I don't know, obviously, with my special operations, friends, it's, you know. Maybe it's a gunfight or a detonation of an IED or a mortar or whatever right Like, that moment where you are called forward is no longer prep time, it is moment of truth time.

Speaker 1: 22:20

And so, looking at this difference between prep time and moment of truth time, why separate the two? Why even think about it at all? Clearly you have other things that you can do with your day. Why think about this concept? Why say, well, yeah, okay, prep time versus moment of truth time. Who cares? Prep time versus moment of truth time who cares? Well, for starters, if you're worried about external factors, for instance, what will others think? Am I doing this right? How do I look to others? Obviously is the inference there.

Speaker 1: 23:07

If you're preoccupied with all of that, it most likely takes you out of being in the present moment. And if you're not in the present moment, if you're not really tuned in and paying attention to the present moment, that is theoretically important to you, at least filled with stress, most likely to you, at least filled with stress, most likely and quite possibly determines the course of you know, I don't know the fiscal year or how your immediate after, you know the immediate life after this moment, is going to unfold. You know how does that work when you're fielding difficult questions from the board or shareholders, or you know, you're trying not to get submitted or knocked out, or you're trying not to get killed in combat and your head is somewhere else, worried about how you look, or worried about what others are going to think, or worried about what will happen to my wife and kids if I get, you know, smoked over here in Afghanistan or something. If you're not present, how do you stay responsive in what is most likely a very dynamic situation? So separating prep time from moment of truth time seems like a pretty valid thing to do. And what do I mean by prep time? Prep time is the weeks, months and or years that precede the moment or moments of truth that life throws your way Life, the universe, god, whatever you want to call it. It is in prep time that we find ourselves able to have the luxury of analysis and tweaking training plans or modifying responses. You know, oftentimes, if you look at individuals who get into professional debate and not just like debate club in high school, but people who professionally debate issues, whether it's politics, policy, whatever there's a ton of preparation that goes into understanding the material, the issues, the facts, the issues, the facts. That is all done before the debate, before the moment of truth, before the competition Getting that feedback, reworking your approach I mean, there's even gosh. Who was it? It's going to frustrate me that I can't think of this person's name.

Speaker 1: 25:47

Anyway, famous comedians, jerry Seinfeld being one of them, but there was another one that I was thinking of. They have these very elaborate preparation processes where they go to clubs all over the country, comedy clubs, and they're usually pretty divey, crappy comedy clubs, not the main stage that's going to have thousands of people watching. They go to some of the scummiest comedy clubs that are out there that have low attendance, and they practice their material and oftentimes they'll admit that their material doesn't land. It's not funny. They're trying to put together a one-hour special on some sort of comedy channel that's going to have, as I said, thousands and thousands and thousands or hundreds of thousands of people subscribing to it. But they do their prep work ahead of time and they often recognize oh yeah, that sucked. I was not funny there, I just got booed off stage and I'm one of the world's best comedians and I wasn't landing it, I wasn't connecting the humor and likewise, whatever your craft is, that time for prep is not in the moment of truth.

Speaker 1: 27:07

It's also, I think, you know, when we think about prep time, we think about the weeks and months and years of preparing for something. That, to me at least, is the more appropriate time for tapping into different sources of motivation. I'm doing this to prove dot dot dot. I'm doing this for so-and-so. I want to represent such and such cause. These, I think, are all really wonderful things that we can tap into that continue to create the motivation and the incentive to grind the hard years of training.

Speaker 1: 27:48

And you know, is there an argument to be made that a lot of whether something is a grind or not is a matter of perspective? Of course, and I would say that you know, having worked with a lot of high performers in a lot of different fields and arguably, having done a lot myself, that when we are pushing the envelope of our capacity whether it's emotional, mental or physical or all of the above because quite often when people are really trying to push the envelope, it actually incorporates all three. Even if you are a desk worker we're pushing the limits of our endurance quite frequently in all domains. And when you're pushing that envelope, yeah, I mean, I do preach, trying to have a positive attitude and trying to stay grateful for things and so on and so on. And it's not an either or it's an, and there is often a real connection to grind, because it's hard, you know, and for myself, you know, just showing up to jujitsu and Muay Thai as a 46-year-old well, soon to be 46-year-old but just showing up to jujitsu and Muay Thai as a 46-year-old well, soon to be 46-year-old when I'm training with people that are by and large, in their 20s or maybe in their 30s but most of the people are a lot younger than me and it's hard, and sometimes it hurts physically, but to continue to put myself in that environment and to continue to try to show myself okay, yeah, you can keep going, you have more to give and also you have more to receive. What do I mean by that? Well, in prep time we can also take. We have the luxury of time. In prep time, we have the luxury of being able to kind of take a step back and say, huh, yeah, I feel like I'm pouring myself into this. I feel like I'm just pouring myself out. What am I getting back?

Speaker 1: 29:57

You know, one of the things that I really appreciate about the place where I train is, by and large people. There are really genuine people and they want to do better. I mean, there may be some folks there that make their living professionally off of being a Muay Thai fighter or a Jiu-Jitsu competitor If there are, I don't know them. And yet all these individuals who have professional day jobs or maybe they're full-time students or whatever I mean everybody that I know there has a full-time something else and yet when they show up in that building, they want to be better and they bring a determination and a focus that I find incredibly inspiring. And it's very humbling as well, in a good way. Right, it's not like, oh, you shut up and you sit in the corner kind of way, but it humbles me to be in the presence of these individuals who are so intent and so dedicated.

Speaker 1: 31:05

And this particular individual that this whole episode is kind of sparked by shows up multiple times per day often, and that dedication to me is meaningful, it's powerful to me is meaningful, it's powerful, and I may not be doing that myself, because I think the wheels would just totally come off, but at the same time, it's something that I'm able to draw strength and inspiration from, and in that prep time, that is also an area where we're able to appreciate the influences that other people have on us and we're able to really ask ourselves why am I doing this, especially when it gets hard, why am I continuing to subject myself to this?

Speaker 1: 32:06

And it shines a light on our motives and our motivations, and I believe it can create a real window of inquiry, of exploration and curiosity about huh, what am I learning about myself in doing this? Is it just that I can do hard things? Well, if so, how long do you need to keep doing hard things before you actually accept that you are the person who can do hard things? You know, do you need to keep running your face into the wall over and over and over again, indefinitely, just to continue to prove to yourself that you're the person who can do hard things? Or is there something more? There Is there, and this is, I think, ultimately where a lot of my clients struggle is learning to be able to throttle back.

Speaker 1: 32:55

So many of my clients are so afraid that if they step off the intensity train you know, if they allow themselves some grace, if they allow themselves to take a rest day that all of a sudden they won't be that person who can do hard things. They won't be that person who can grind. They won't be that person that other people can rely on. The one with the strong shoulders that everyone else can cry on can rely on. The one with the strong shoulders that everyone else can cry on. And they get to that place through all kinds of different machinations in their life, usually early childhood experiences that train them to believe oh no, I have to be the strong one because I have people around me who can't be strong. Therefore, I have to be the center pillar here on which all the weight rests. And so oftentimes, ironic as it may be, part of their journey is to understand that they can step away from doing hard things for a little bit, and it's not going to make them a shitty person. It's not going to destroy who they think they are to make them a shitty person. It's not going to destroy who they think they are.

Speaker 1: 34:10

But it's in this prep time phase that we have the luxury to be able to take a look at these things and to recognize and to get really comfortable with meaning, really intimate with why am I doing this? What am I trying to get? Especially if you were trying to pursue a finite moment of competition. What does it mean to me to do this thing? What if I win? What if I quote unquote lose? You know one of the places I used to train? They actually put people in the UFC. And if you don't know what the UFC is, I can't help you. Needless to say, professional fighters right that that they, they support their families, earn their, their whole income from fighting other people. And you may not agree with fighting other people, but it's out there in the world and it is happening and it's, you know, like a multi-billion dollar industry. So you know you can poo-poo it all you want, but it's a real thing.

Speaker 1: 35:07

And at this other place that I used to train and I was, just for clarity's sake, like in no way on that level, I was like in the recreational program, like the hobbyist program. So all respect to the folks, the men and women, that were training at that level, all respect to the folks, the men and women that were training at that level. But one of the things that I took away from listening in on some of the classes, like of the competition team, was you were either winning or learning, and they would hammer that message over and over and over again. And if one of their people lost according to the scorecard, they would not allow that person, at least not in public. I mean, maybe there was some shit talking going on in the background, but at least in public, that place was not letting people talk about losing. They focused intentionally and expressly on you are either winning or you are learning. Now can you win and learn? I would hope so, but the whole point is that they wanted to drive people's attention to what we can learn.

Speaker 1: 36:14

If the moment of truth didn't go your way, what can we have learned from that experience? So, moment of truth time. What is characteristic of moment of truth time? Well, first and foremost, there's no more time for preparation. Whether it's you walking into the boardroom, whether it's you walking into the room with the counterparty to negotiate the boardroom, whether it's you walking into the room with the counterparty to negotiate, whether it is you stepping into the ring, whether it is you exiting the vehicle to engage the enemy on a field of battle somewhere, the time is now and you are about to make contact with the other party. There's no more talking about it. There's no more talking about it. There's no more thinking about it. There's no more.

Speaker 1: 37:07

Well, I would do this if so-and-so did that. There's no theory. We've left theory and concept behind and now is the time for do, now is the time for action, and the focus is on being deeply, deeply, intensely present in that moment so that you can be responsive to what's happening right then and right there. You know that. I don't know who said it, but probably some Buddhist master or whatever. Be where your feet are. And it's interesting for me to observe, in the various contexts that I've been in, from the corporate world to the combat world, to the martial arts world the number of times that I've actually not been present, that I've not actually allowed myself to really focus on where my body was.

Speaker 1: 38:11

Think about if you've I don't know, maybe you've had to rally the troops at your company because you're having a down quarter or a down year and you're the one in charge and you're going to try to give sort of a rally the troops speech in which you're hoping to communicate a number of different concepts what we need to focus on, where we've been challenged, how we're going to address it, how are we going to move forward together, what is the culture that we want to achieve, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, forward together. What is the culture that we want to achieve? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 1: 38:48

If you're about to give that speech and you're hoping to really tap into the hearts and minds of the people that have trust in you, have faith in you as the leader to ensure that the company stays healthy and that their paychecks keep showing up, assuming that they do their part, and that their paychecks keep showing up, assuming that they do their part, as you're giving that speech, have you felt the bottoms of your feet? Or do you get lost? Are you transported away? Or you don't necessarily have to feel the bottoms of your feet? It is simply just one coach's cue to try to keep you grounded in the moment, to keep you present. But another way of thinking about it is staying connected to the energy in the room. How are you making eye contact? How are you feeling the emotion If you're stepping into the ring, for instance, in sort of more of like a physical activity? Well, there, I think feeling the bottoms of your feet can be very appropriate. Now, do you need to keep your focus on the bottoms of your feet throughout the entire fight? No, probably not. You probably want to dedicate some of your awareness to other things throughout the entire fight? No, probably not. You probably want to dedicate some of your awareness to other things, like not getting knocked out. But again, as we enter the moment of truth, how do we prime ourselves to stay grounded, to stay present in that moment?

Speaker 1: 40:17

When I was in Iraq, it was interesting for me to observe both my own naivete and then, when I was an experienced operator, to see other newbies be completely detached. They weren't. You know, we're getting shot at and you would think that that is a very loud and clear signal to be in the moment and to really pay attention and to respond appropriately to this threat that you are very legitimately thinking is going to end your life or the lives of your friends, legitimately thinking is going to end your life or the lives of your friends. And to see one of the new combatants in this moment, this high pressure moment and they often lock up, they're unresponsive, they're not present, they're somewhere else. I had a teammate that, unfortunately, during my deployment to Fallujah, this teammate was so concerned about what might happen with his wife and his kids if he was killed in combat that he actually became very tense and tight and his performance continued to degrade and suffer and soon none of the teams wanted them, wanted to have him on their team. They couldn't trust him. Their team, they couldn't trust him.

Speaker 1: 42:07

So this moment of truth, time is the time to showcase all the preparation that you've done and to be this blazing true testament of your passion and your commitment to your craft. And sometimes my corporate clients, I think, get a little cynical about that and they scoff at that a little bit, but I've had so many of my clients really connect with that understanding because they care really deeply about the purpose or the mission of the company and even if they're maybe not as in tune with the mission of the company, what they certainly care about is the people who work for them, the people who, I said, you know, as I said earlier, who are putting their faith, their trust in the leader to guide them, to lead them to the right place, to a place of success and prosperity. And that is definitely something that my clients and I'm guessing, if you are listening to the show, you as well really care about. So let's weave in this notion of anxiety anxiety because I mentioned this teammate of mine who ended up sort of becoming paralyzed by his, his anxiety.

Speaker 1: 43:30

If we look back at a couple of those definitional elements, right, we see that element of strong desire plus a sense of impending or anticipated ill, and what that translates to is, you know, when the thing that we want the most to win yeah becomes the anchor that pulls us down into a world of fear which is ultimately paralyzing and, conveniently enough, completely counteracts the goal that we've set for ourselves If we want to achieve our highest potential. But then we end up getting sort of vapor, locked by this desire that we have and then combined with that sense of oh my God, what if it doesn't go? Well, what if? What? If what? If what if yeah, I mean what if yeah, who knows? But this is, oh gosh, this is the I'm doing. I'm trying to do a better job of not cussing on the show, and I really want to cuss right now, but we get so fixated on the potential of bad things happening right Again, it's, even in the definition, a sense of impending or anticipated ill, meaning we don't know, we have no idea if this is how it's actually going to play out.

Speaker 1: 44:59

But then we start to get in our own head and we start to just think oh well, what if it does go wrong? What if I can't answer that board member's question appropriately? Or what if I can't respond to a market analyst appropriately and the share price starts to drop because of the articles that are then written about how we don't know what we're doing? Or what if I can't figure out how to counter my opponent's moves? Or what if I can't figure out how to keep my team members alive when the enemy starts shooting at us? What if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if?

Speaker 1: 45:36

And what we're so over-indexed on in that is a potential result that is mixed with a strong desire. We want it really bad. I mean, think to yourself for a moment. Have you ever gotten in your own head and gotten totally vapor-locked and paralyzed about something that you didn't care about? My guess is no. If you honestly didn't care about whatever it was, you know how a date went, or I don't know a score on a test, or whatever draw on whatever example you want to. But if there is something that you really truly didn't care about, most of the people that I've I mean not most, every person that I've asked that question to they say no, I have never gotten in my own head and paralyzed about something that I didn't care about. And so there is this component where, yes, this is something that I actually care about and I generally it actually shows up as I really want this, I want this really bad and here's my whole list of reasons why I want it so bad, and usually woven in there somewhere is I want to achieve my full potential. So what cosmic irony it is that we then put ourselves in this strange headspace where we're so consumed with well, what if it doesn't go right that we then lock up and we're nowhere near our full potential.

Speaker 1: 47:14

And that's part of what I was talking about earlier in the fact that people spend so much time focused on technique and okay, well, what's the thing that I need to do? And they're not spending near enough time, if any, on. Maybe you need to get your heart and soul right. Maybe you need to focus on why am I beginning to entertain these inner demons? We all have them. There is not a single person on this planet that does not have their own inner demons, their own inner demons, their own little whisperings in the dark corners of their mind, saying that you're not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not fast enough, not pretty enough, not clairvoyant enough. We all have those whispers. It's how we respond to them and where we allow those to take over that really makes the difference in whether we're able to access our potential, our potential, you know, and yeah, in a lot of ways humans do have this kind of negativity bias and in certain ancestral, evolutionary ways, it's probably pretty helpful To be one that spots potential disaster before it shows up, allows you to think ahead of time about what you might do about that.

Speaker 1: 48:47

But that's prep time, not moment of truth time. Moment of truth time you show up with whatever you have and if there's a big gap in your preparation, well, that sucks. And you had better hope that you can improvise real quick. And guess what? Most of the people that I know that are high performers spend so much time preparing that, even if there was a thing that they didn't quite prepare for or missed entirely which is actually quite rare then there's enough requisite knowledge and experience rattling around inside of them if they're not paralyzed with fear that they can, yes, very definitely improvise and they can adapt and they can overcome, but none of that happens if they're locked up with fear, locked up with anxiety that their strong desire may not come to fruition.

Speaker 1: 49:47

So what do we do about this? Sean, it's all well and good to spend 49 minutes talking about it. How do we actually solve for this? Well, I can't give you a direct answer there, but I can give you some things that have worked for people in the past and may work for you, and obviously, take these inputs and make of them what you will, modify them to your own purpose, but first and foremost, kind of as a conceptual idea or a philosophical idea, focus on process over outcome. It's the fixation on the outcome it has to go this way that usually creates that anxiety drive and when we look at it has to go a certain way.

Speaker 1: 50:35

Well, the follow-on action there, as far as like internal inquiry is concerned, is to look at, or else what, and generally we have a list of fears that are, you know, feeding those inner demon whispers. Well, if I don't win, or if I don't convince the board of, or if I don't convince my shareholders of, or if I whatever don't leave as the champion, then X, y, z, bad things will happen. And I've mentioned this exercise in the past, but if you Google Tim Ferriss, he's a world-renowned multiple times bestseller. His TED Talk is millions of downloads, google Tim Ferriss fear-setting exercise and there is a long blog post about how he scrutinizes his own internal fears. And the messaging of if I don't achieve X, then Y will occur. And he really I mean the gist of it is to question the veracity and the validity of the whispers from the inner demon, or demons, and, in very rudimentary terms, what would be some examples of that?

Speaker 1: 52:02

Well, if I don't win, then I'll be a loser, and to be a loser means dot, dot dot. I won't have any friends. People will disrespect me. The people that supported me to this point in my journey will abandon me. You know, whatever and all these different fears that can come forward, and just think to yourself if you had a friend, like somebody that you actually cared about, who was in a similar circumstance and they happened to lose, would you abandon them? They happen to lose, would you abandon them? Would they no longer be your friend because they didn't finish first or because they didn't I don't know secure that next round of funding for their startup or whatever? Probably not. At least, every time that I've framed this inquiry to clients of mine, they say, well, no, of course not. And it's like well then, why do you think it's going to happen to you? Are you such a disagreeable person that you know that people are just going to, like, abandon you when you're not the winner, when you're not in the limelight? If so, call me and we'll talk about coaching. I'm kidding, I don't think that you would actually be that person.

Speaker 1: 53:19

Oftentimes, the fears that we maintain are fiction, just based on insecurities that we've been carrying around our entire life. And until you shine a light directly on it and you question it and you say is that true? Is that really true? But what if it is true, sean? Oh, gotcha. Well, if we look at Tim Ferriss's fear setting exercise, he makes allowances for that, and the next part of the exercise is yeah, okay, what if it's true? What if it's true that I don't have friends after I lose because I'm a loser? Can you get new friends? All right. So that exercise is prompting you to figure out well, what would I do? What would I do if the worst case scenario happened?

Speaker 1: 54:11

You know, in his case, I think the four-hour work week is where he sort of first showcased this exercise, and I think one of the things that he was taught. It's been a while since I've read the book, so give me a little bit of grace here, but I think one of the things that he was talking about in that book was, you know, what if his? Because he was thinking about taking a sabbatical from his business, because it was just driving him nuts and it was costing him his health and you know, some pretty gnarly things were happening, and so one of his fears was that if he took a sabbatical, that his business would completely explode, uh, sorry, implode, that it would completely fail. Maybe that would have been easier to say. And so he had to contend with that. He had to figure out, okay, yeah, what if that happens? And so he had to contend with that. He had to figure out, okay, yeah, well, what if that happens? And I don't remember exactly, but it was like well, I can move in with my parents, I can start another business doing something similar, I can this, I can that. And then you know, and then he also, I think, went to the trouble to try to figure out what the probability of such and such catastrophe might be, which is again testing the validity of the veracity of the fear as well as thinking, okay, well if it, if it did happen, this is how I would fix it. So that's one element right Focusing on process over outcome.

Speaker 1: 55:31

Focus on not so much will I win, but focusing on how can I show up and do my best, just like what kids hear in little league games. Do your best To be able to walk out of that moment of truth, believing deep inside of you that you gave everything that you had in that moment. Would you have done it better if you had more information, better sleep, better nutrition, more help in the meeting itself or the ring or the whatever? Yeah, yeah, quite. Probably you would do it better if you had more resources and more help. But you often don't. You often go in with what you have, and so it can be worth spending a little bit of time thinking about, okay, if I'm on the other side of my moment of truth, what will need to have been true about how I conducted myself to know to believe. Believing trumps knowing. You're just going to have to trust me on that one in this episode.

Speaker 1: 56:53

A person's belief trumps what they know. There's all kinds of examples that I could give about people telling me what they know. They know they should do this, they know they should do that, they know they should not do this or that, and they do the things they know they shouldn't do, or they don't do the things they know they shouldn't do, or they don't do the things they know they should do because their belief is overpowering, and it's often an unconscious belief, and part of the coaching is to help people recognize where their unconscious beliefs are sidelining or hamstringing their ability to actually perform at their full potential. But I digress. So really focusing on, okay, what will need to have been true if I'm post moment of truth, for me to really truly believe that I gave it everything that I had, for me to really truly believe that I gave it everything that I had, and that really is focusing on what I mentioned earlier. How do I live, how do I display, how am I a live example of a testament to the dedication and, dare I say, even the love that I have for my craft, whether that's the love that you have for leading people and making a difference in people's lives, or whether that's the love you have for saving your brothers and sisters in arms, in combat, or whether it's the love you have for an art form, whether that art form is painting, music or martial art, how can you really focus yourself on? This is going to be my demonstration that I love this thing, that I do, and I'm going to let that shine, regardless of what the end outcome is.

Speaker 1: 58:58

And in many ways, when I think about, for instance, with me and my craft, my craft is coaching. And regardless of what you think about my shows, the podcast here, when I coach people, when I coach people, that is what I try to connect with every single session, even when my clients are being whiny and difficult and sometimes they are and sometimes I'm not in the mood for it. I almost cussed there, but I'm trying to do a better job. There are times when I'm not in the mood for it and even in those moments I try to connect myself with. This is my craft. And if I love my craft, as though it was my wife, for instance, my partner, and I want to show my dedication to my partner. I want to show my partner my love, how do I show up in this moment? And I can tell you, at least in my coaching sessions, that it's not, oh God, this client's just being so annoying. Why can't they just see? Why can't they just see that their unconscious is causing them to be in self-sabotage right now? Or what have you? No, no. If I'm deeply connected in the moment and I keep myself grounded in the sense that I'm loving my craft and I want my behavior, my action to show my love for my craft, then I reconnect with compassion, I reconnect with my sense of curiosity for my client, even when they are engaged in self-defeatism. And so for you you're going to I mean, I offer that not to put the spotlight on myself, but to offer an example to you to say, yeah, okay, how are you going to connect with the love of your craft? Or, in America we often say, the love of the game. You know, because we have a great many sports stars that are popular celebrities in our culture and they talk about the love of the game. Is it nice to win? Yeah, of course, obviously. But if you're disconnected from the love of the game, even though you won, is that what you want? Is that how you want it to go? Would you want a career full of wins, completely devoid of connection to the love of the game? Maybe you do, I don't know, but that's something to think about in prep time.

Speaker 1: 1:01:39

Another piece here, as far as potentially useful tools in terms of accessing our full potential and not allowing performance anxiety to get the better of us, is a deliberate focus on separating one's awareness from the prep time to moment of truth, time Now, whether it's entering a boardroom or it's entering the ring to be able to train ourselves. And you can practice this, this deliberate and intentional focus of. Okay, once I entered this domain, this physical space, I am focusing myself on all the stuff that I just went over a couple moments ago and I am letting the external world go. I'm putting myself deep, deep, deep into the present moment. There is no tomorrow, there is no yesterday, there is only right now. And when I cross this threshold, whatever that threshold might be whether it's a doorway, whether it's slipping through the ropes of the ring, getting in the octagon, whatever then the switch is flipped in me. You might have reporters and market analysts sitting in, there might be bystanders and spectators, there might be cheering crowds None of it matters. There might be cheering crowds, none of it matters. You separate the external and you focus on the moment. And that really ties in with this last piece around releasing your reliance on the external validators, releasing your connection to well, I want to represent this nation, or I want to represent my family, or I'm doing this for so-and-so, I'm doing it for this cause.

Speaker 1: 1:03:46

As beautiful and powerful as those things can be in prep time, in moment of truth time, it can very frequently cause us to get overly connected to what I mentioned earlier around anxiety, strong desire plus sense of impending or anticipated ill. But what if I let them down? What if all the people that have been supporting me, what if I don't have what it takes and they think that I'm a fraud or they think that I'm an imposter and they start to think that, oh my gosh, all the support that they gave me was wasted? Right, that kind of thing. You let all of that go because you're about to give yourself 100% or, as my old football coaches say, 200%. I'm like I don't know if that works, but I like your enthusiasm, football coach, give yourself wholly to that moment. Nothing else exists. There is only right now.

Speaker 1: 1:04:47

And another example from my own experience the first time that I was ever shot at because it happened more than once, unfortunately the first time that it happened I actually didn't realize that I had been shot at. I came back inside of our little armored vehicle security triangle posture thing, having been outside of it trying to do my job, and as soon as I came back inside, like we had these security Marines that were with us to try to, you know, respond to any gunfire. But you know we were downtown and they're like skyscrapers everywhere and anyways, really complicated scene. But all of a sudden these Marines ended up like pressing themselves physically around me as though they were like the secret service and I was the president of the United States or something, and you know, nevermind the fact that that would have been helpful while I was getting shot at. But you know I could have still been shot at because the vehicles were not nearly tall enough to block a sniper fire. So I had these guys pressing against me to the point where I actually couldn't do my job anymore and I had to tell them like hey guys, you know I appreciate this, but you know you got to give me some space here because I can't work. But I was so tuned in to the moment that I didn't register that I was getting shot at because I was so focused on that one aspect of my job that I was engaged in and then granted, having been shot at. Then that entered the picture as part of the data set and then my awareness kind of grew out.

Speaker 1: 1:06:27

One more level, but I think, the concept of metacognition and how we end up weaving in different levels of information and data maybe that's a topic for another time, since we're already over an hour here. But ultimately, how is it that we can disconnect ourselves from that sense of anticipated ill and where is it that we have to actually let go of that strong desire a little bit? And so this takes us back to the beginning. Can you have a strong desire? Can you have goals? Can you have ambitions? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1: 1:07:09

However, in the moment, in the moment of truth, however, in the moment, in the moment of truth, we cannot allow those ambitions, we cannot allow our loyalties and our desires to make good for a family member or a constituency be so domineering that it locks us up and paralyzes us, because then, all of a sudden, there's this tremendous barrier between us and achieving our actual full potential, whereas if we stay connected to the process and then we stay connected to the moment and we focus ourselves on truly being that exemplar of passion for our craft, of passion for our craft, from what I have seen in how people behave having gone through that aspect of coaching. They get there and even if they quote-unquote lose according to the scorecard, of whatever variety they're subject to, they walk with their head held high because they know they believe right. They don't just know, they believe, truly believe and accept. They did everything that they could and they feel good about it, even if the end result was not what they were angling for. And then, of course, they reenter prep time and they think about what they can do better next time, because the circle of life is unending.

Speaker 1: 1:08:44

Anyway, enough of that. Hopefully this was helpful for you and if you have questions about it, talk about it with people, send it to them, say, hey, I listened to this thing and I don't quite understand what this crazy ass is talking about. What's your take on this, or don't? Totally up to you, but until next time, take care of each other.