Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast

Episode 180 | Hidden Cracks - Are They a Part of Your Marriage?

• Travis Rosinger and Dawn Rosinger

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Why is it so easy to pretend that everything is going so well when privately we know that we are hurting or that there is something seriously wrong with our relationships? Why? Because our society rewards and celebrates success and runs from vulnerability and weakness. Ironically, the only way to get strong and to succeed on a truly wholistic level is to address the issues within your life and marriage rather than ignoring them or pretending they will go away.  So, are there cracks in your marriage, and if there are, are you willing to admit it and do something about it?

Join hosts, Travis and Dawn Rosinger, as they share why cracks in our marriage can be so devastating, what cracks look like in a relationship, and what to do about fixing the problems that led to the cracks in your marriage. This is an episode that will get you to examine your heart and challenge you to fix the problem! Don't miss it!!

Travis and Dawn Rosinger are the Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast Hosts and Authors of the books, Verbalosity - 7 Steps to a Verbally Generous and More Fulfilling Marriage and their newest book, Gripping -  What Matters Most | A Life and Relationships That Hold on to You

For more information about Travis and Dawn Rosinger go to Loving The Fight

Travis Rosinger:

Hey everyone, welcome to the Loving the Fight Marriage Podcast. My name is Travis and I'm hanging out here with my wife and my co-host, dawn.

Dawn Rosinger:

Hey everyone. We are sitting here today and actually we are covering from a food coma that we had from yesterday because, yesterday was Easter and we feasted on some amazing food.

Travis Rosinger:

It was so good. Tons of roast beef. I think we bought an 80 pound roast I'm kidding, but wow, it was huge. And then we had carrots and potatoes, mashed potatoes, and then just all the fixings to go with a huge roast. And really fun time, though, with our family and just celebrating Easter. Jesus has risen from the grave. The tomb is empty, and so just having a great time together.

Dawn Rosinger:

Easter week is definitely one of our favorite weeks. We get to spend a lot of time with a lot of different people. Our church has quite a few Easter services and so, man, I got to meet new people, got to just talk with other people all the volunteers and see some really cool things, while remembering one of the greatest things that Jesus ever did for us. And just the resurrection of him is incredible.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, so important Really. Let's be honest, there wouldn't be Christianity, there wouldn't be faith if Jesus was laid in the tomb and he never rose from the grave. Like that's really the very pivotal, like most important thing about Christianity is Jesus is alive. He's alive and to be able to celebrate that Dawn I think you had almost 4,000 at your campus, I had almost 2,000 at mine, and part of why I'm saying that is we love people and so to just smile at that many people and to talk to them and wish them a happy Easter, we got really charged up and so that was a lot of fun. But also the gospel was clearly shared, just that Jesus is alive and that he saves everyone. He loves everyone.

Dawn Rosinger:

Right, it's just honestly. It's amazing just to remember all that Jesus did for us and celebrate with people you know what he did, but then afterwards we get to celebrate with family and just really just take time to stop and recognize you know, talk about our faith, recognize all that Jesus did, but then we get to eat food and hang out with some incredible people in the process and celebrate together.

Travis Rosinger:

So you can't get better than that.

Dawn Rosinger:

Jesus, people and amazing food.

Travis Rosinger:

And our relatives, our family. So good. Now, there was a very special guest yesterday at our Easter dinner table. It made a cameo and kind of stayed around for a while. What am I talking about? There was this bowl that my daughter made and it was filled with banana pudding. But it's a banana pudding recipe. That's not just, like you know, quick instant banana pudding out of a box and then that's it. No, this was like layered with tons of what do you call?

Travis Rosinger:

it Bananas and vanilla wafers. Oh, I love vanilla wafers, vanilla wafers dipped in vanilla frosting. It was phenomenal, something I dream about at night.

Dawn Rosinger:

No, but the vanilla pudding, the banana pudding, I'm sorry, was phenomenal, Something I dream about at night. No, but the vanilla pudding, the banana pudding, I'm sorry, was phenomenal. Such a good dessert that we had. It's funny because I bought some homemade or some brownies not homemade, but I bought some brownies that I thought would be good. They couldn't compare they paled this banana pudding. So that was just a fun dessert.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, it was so delicious and it was just great that she made the banana pudding itself. It was homemade and so that's part of why it was so good and so delicious.

Dawn Rosinger:

And so that's why we are recovering today, right?

Travis Rosinger:

Yes, there's still a rock in my stomach, that's in our stomach.

Dawn Rosinger:

We didn't do the traditional ham, we did roast, like Travis said. But man, such a great weekend, like extended weekend, and then we get this extra bonus day off.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and so for those of you that listen all the time or maybe this is your first time listening you were like, hey, why is Travis and Don talking about their lives or what happened with their weekend? Well, guys, honestly, when we just started this, you know, a couple of years back, three, four years ago we just decided we're, you know, we just want to be ourselves, we're real people and we just want to make sure, you know, we're just living regular life, just like you are, and so we try to be real. We want to keep you updated on what's new in our lives, but we love you, guys, and we are so grateful that you are listening.

Dawn Rosinger:

Right, yep, it's such an honor and a treat to have you with us each week. You know, a few weeks ago we were preparing to have some company over to our house and our house is generally pretty clean. I mean, we don't have a lot of clutter, I don't like a lot of extra things, but still there's dirt that comes in somehow, even though we don't wear our shoes in our house. But there's dirt, and so I was preparing for some company. So I was wiping everything down. I had my you know my disinfectant out, but then my you, I beat everything down. I had my disinfectant out, but then all my cloths, and just getting rid of the extra dust.

Dawn Rosinger:

So I'd finished the kitchen and I went into the bathrooms and I moved on into our bedroom. Well, in our bedroom we have two matching lamps that are on our nightstands, which are one on each side of the bed, and I began to wipe down the nightstands and then I quickly moved the lamp your lamp Travis actually on your nightstand. And then I quickly moved the lamp, your lamp Travis, actually on your nightstand and suddenly it completely fell apart, like it did, and I was like it kind of shocked me because I was like oh no, I just broke the lamp, but that's when I remembered that you actually had broken that lamp right after I had bought these matching lamps and I remember I was really bummed but since they were matching, you did your best to put it back together, this lamp.

Dawn Rosinger:

You didn't use glue, but you were able to kind of piece it back together, and as long as you didn't touch it, it was fine it looks perfect. It still worked. You can still turn it on and off, but again, you just couldn't touch it and it really looks like there's nothing wrong with it. You can't even really see the cracks unless you look really close.

Travis Rosinger:

It's actually bizarre, but yeah, it's like actually broken into what like five, six pieces, but you put it together and it's like whoa, that's a really nice lamp, but it's trash.

Dawn Rosinger:

It's cracked and messed up and honestly it looks so good when you put it back together that I just totally forgot that it had this major crack in it, but it really it is still broken. Well, the minute that this happened, I kind of you know it shocked me and then I laughed and then suddenly this thought, this random thought, came into my mind and I just thought you know what this is exactly like people sometimes and many marriages. They look good on the surface, kind of like this lamp did, and you would never think that anything is wrong with them, but then something suddenly gets moved slightly or something gets out of place and this massive crack is exposed and really they're falling apart. So again, looking at this lamp, picking it up, and it's completely fell apart, like that's what some people's lives look like, that's what some marriages look like. And I know honestly that's kind of what I have been at certain times in my life, times when life has just been difficult and I just put on a smile and tell people that I'm just fine, but in that life is good, but really on the inside that's not what's happening.

Dawn Rosinger:

I know, specifically about 10 years ago I remember I had a job, I applied for a job. I thought it was going to be my dream job. I was so excited for this job and then I started it and it was horrible. It was not what I expected. It's not what the job description said. It was. Honestly, it was miserable. I ended up resigning from that job just in a few months. But part of it, part of me, just kind of. When my job ended, I felt like a part of me died with it as well, kind of like a dream had died inside of myself and I remember people kept asking me hey, are you okay, are you okay?

Dawn Rosinger:

And I'm I'm like, yeah, nope, I'm fine, but on the inside part of me was broken, kind of like that lamp.

Travis Rosinger:

And it wasn't until you move certain parts of me that you could actually see the cracks. But I was trying to cover it up with everything within me. Yeah, you know, I have a similar situation to Don, or experience, and I know you know it well. But there was a moment in my life where I was working at a specific place and there was just this difficult person there. And you know, I I love them and they seem like they kind of had some issues kind of going on in their life and uh, but what was wild was they were making it difficult for everybody around them. So, yeah, they had issues in their own life but rather than, like you know, go to a therapist or work on it with God, um, they were letting that spill out to so many people around them.

Travis Rosinger:

And it was just really hard because it's like, oh, you know, I love this person, I want them to get better, I don't want them to struggle, I want what's best for them, but yet they're hurting all these people around them. And you know, at the same time, I'm just trying to do a great job. You know, I'm just trying to model Jesus and work hard and, you know, grow God's kingdom, and so it was challenging for me. So I mean, I would show up to work and I'd be smiling and happy because I'm just kind of a happy guy, but deep inside I'm like oh, this is really, really tough. You know, I'm trying to have that right image on the outside where I'm not bringing everybody down, but I'm really struggling on the inside, being around this person and their toxic behavior, and you know how it's spilling out to everyone around them.

Dawn Rosinger:

I think we can definitely all relate to a time or think of a story when, man, you know, on the outside we appeared that everything was okay, but really honestly, on the inside we were falling apart. There's cracks everywhere. We're just not doing well but we're not willing to admit it. Kind of like that lamp, you just put it back together and just hope it holds right.

Travis Rosinger:

Oh, exactly, and, Dawn, I know you grew up in a house where you saw your parents' marriage and it was difficult. At times it got messy. But week in and week out, you've told me, and I was actually a part of your life back then, you guys would hop in the car and you would go to church and you would show up and you were this beautiful family and yet no one actually knew what was going on inside of your hearts, but also inside of your home, and how difficult the things were between your mom and dad, but also in your family, and so it was a good cover-up in terms of you know, it's kind of like that lamp where it looks great as long as you don't touch it, but underneath there's all these cracks and it just is falling apart and your guys' lives were falling apart.

Dawn Rosinger:

It's interesting because I know we had just started dating at that point and I wasn't going to spill to you like all of the things that were going on in my house. So on the outside it definitely appeared that we were pretty you know, it was pretty good family and going the right direction. But honestly, there were so many cracks, it was so broken and eventually I was able to open up to you and you could see it. But you firsthand got to see how we were trying to just look like life was normal, but really on that side it wasn't.

Travis Rosinger:

It wasn't no. But you know, we're trying to be vulnerable. As we're sharing these stories on this episode today and I know that this hasn't just been us and our families I think that many people are not fine. Many people are kind of like the lamp again on our nightstand. That looks good, but if you touch it it'll expose a massive crack. So, as you hear us talking today and us getting vulnerable, you're probably thinking to yourself well, wait a second, what about my life, what about my marriage? And maybe that's you today, maybe that's your marriage. It looks good on the outside, but on the inside it's just a rack, like things are broken and they're barely holding together. You've got this image on the outside, but, man, things are rough on the inside, and so we just want to kind of give you a couple examples of what that could look like. You know, maybe you're listening You're like I don't have a clue. What do you mean, travis and Don? What are you getting at?

Travis Rosinger:

Well, part of those cracks in a marriage could be that the communication is flowing, but when you hit on certain areas or topics, suddenly those cracks in your marriage are exposed. Why? Because that's when the communication breaks down or stops. It's like you have really good communication, but, man, when the conflict hits now, there's like it's not functional, it's dysfunctional. It could also be a lack of understanding or empathy. I mean, man, those would be huge cracks, those are big problems, yet how do you see empathy or a lack of understanding? They're not visible. They're like those cracks that are hidden, and that is something that can really damage a relationship. Why? Because when one person doesn't, or they're not willing to try to understand the other, wow, there's just going to be a really, really far gulf that separates them. It could be another example You're only honest with your spouse to a point, but you're not fully honest on the harder topics.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, brutal honesty would be hard, like sometimes. And obviously when you don't have that brutal honesty, that is a sign that your marriage is struggling, that there is a crack. You have to have that brutal honesty. But we all get to a point where sometimes you're like, oh, I'm only going to say this partial truth, but then if you're only saying a partial truth, then part of it's a lie, that's just a crack. That's there that has to be dealt with.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, these are examples that are a living reality in many marriages of those of you that are listening. It could also be inflexibility or stubbornness, like everything looks good on the outside but you're never willing to bend in your marriage, or you're just stubborn, you dig in your heels and you only see things your way, or you're not willing to be flexible or try something different. Or maybe your crack in your marriage is anger, and it's the first emotion that you experience, or you feel when you're having conflict or a disagreement, and none of that goes well. And so those are just some quick examples of some cracks that could be in the marriages of all of us you and I Don, but also in everybody that's listening.

Dawn Rosinger:

And maybe you have experienced some of those cracks before, or maybe they're there and they're hidden and you're trying to hide them, or maybe they're fully exposed. But what should you do when you get to a point where your marriage is just cracked, where it's broken, where it's falling apart? If you pick it up, kind of like a lamp, and it just completely falls apart? What should we do? Well, the first thing that we should do if we realize that there is this crack in our marriage is just don't ignore it. Admit that something is wrong and that it is time to address it and fix it. Honestly, there's a quote. It's an anonymous quote and it says if you change nothing, nothing will change. So, if you see a crack, don't ignore it. Honestly, nothing will ever change. Admit that something is wrong.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, I kind of like the lamp. I mean, we kind of talked about this. I ended up buying a tube of super glue, but, as you can tell, as you, found out the other day, don, when you were cleaning and you bumped that you know, kind of went to move my lamp on my nightstand, boom, it like flew apart yeah. So I did nothing and nothing changed right.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know once, once you get to a point where you're not ignoring it, you're admitting that something is wrong. Then expose the crack, like, break it open a little bit more, communicate your need or desire to fix it to your spouse, say, hey, I see this in our marriage. I would love to see our marriage get fixed in this area. Let them know it's time to do what it takes to fully repair what is broken. So for you, travis, like I need to be like hey, I need a new lamp. When it comes to the lamp, I need this lamp. Expose the crack that's in there and honestly deal with it.

Travis Rosinger:

Say, let's, let's fully repair what is broken or get a new one, one of the two. But yeah, yeah, I think what's important about exposing the crack is, you know, when I come to you, don um, or you come to me, we need to own our piece.

Travis Rosinger:

We do not have to be a finger pointing session, but we need to say, hey, this is an issue with our marriage and, by the way, here's, here's my baggage, here's the things that I'm doing that are not helping, that I want to change. Would you be willing to meet me halfway? Would you be willing to help me? And there's something really powerful about two people coming together and saying, okay, we're going to expose it, get honest. And then really, the next step is to do the work, to fix it. So don't just put glue on it or a bandaid. Find a permanent solution and that's that. Buy a new one.

Travis Rosinger:

that we've kind of been talking about. So marriage expert John Gottman, he says this we repeat what we don't repair. So I think the big thing is let's get this fixed once and for all, so we'd have to deal with it again. And part of that really has a lot to do with communication and habits and implementing the solution and not reverting back to old ways, letting go of old ways.

Dawn Rosinger:

I think sometimes finding a permanent solution honestly might be including a marriage counselor or a marriage therapist in to help you find a solution. If you're at a point in your marriage where it's really broken and that crack is super deep, pull someone in. That's an expert that can help you. Just sit down and figure out a solution. If maybe it's not quite as deep and it's something that you can do together, just stop and go. Okay, we want to fix this. What are we willing to do right now to make sure that this isn't a part of our marriage in the future?

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and another piece of that is just keep looking for cracks. It's easier to fix a small crack than to have a repair an entire foundation, and so people do that with their houses. They just keep an eye on their foundation and they really try to be careful, like, okay, we're going to take care of this so it doesn't basically compromise the whole strength of the house. So keep evaluating and communicating, inspecting your marriage on a regular basis.

Dawn Rosinger:

Honestly, if bad attitudes are creeping in, or if there's sarcasm that's creeping in, or if you're getting to a point where you don't feel like you can be honest, those are the cracks for trying to make sure that you're looking for. If you're looking for there's a communication breakdown and you're like man, that's a crack. Look for those cracks, even start when they get them. Grab them when they're small so that you don't have to repair the whole entire foundation. I think, lastly, the most important thing is just be confident that God can make all things new. His mercies are new every morning, no matter the situation or how big the crack is. With God, all things are possible. So don't ever give up. Just because you have a crack doesn't mean that it can't be fixed.

Dawn Rosinger:

Lamentations 3.22 says the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. Again, be confident that God can make all things new. On your own you may not be able to fix it, but, man with God and with you both working on it, you can fix it. Don't give up.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and this is just saying look God's love, it isn't wavering, it's steadfast, it's always there, it doesn't disappear on you and his mercies, man. They just keep coming, one right after another. And so what is this talking about? It's talking about positivity in marriage, positivity in your faith for what God can give you. Well, god can do a new thing in your life and in your marriage. God can help you fix that crack and replace that lamp or whatever it is in your marriage, whatever that looks like, and make things new.

Travis Rosinger:

So, here's the key. Do you believe that? Do you believe that? If you believe that, then start taking some of these steps. Add some of your own in there and do what it takes. Meet your spouse halfway and own those pieces and then come up with a plan with your spouse to make sure that you're repairing it.

Dawn Rosinger:

Travis, I just have to ask you a question real quick before we end. What's that? Well, next time I clean our bedroom and I move the lamp, can I just get a new lamp Can? You just buy us a new lamp, but they have to be matching, so I need two new lamps.

Travis Rosinger:

Why?

Dawn Rosinger:

do we have a lamp that has this big crack in it? Now everyone knows, and they're going to come in our bedroom and look at the crack. They're going to pick it up and like it. We just need a new lamp.

Travis Rosinger:

What's up with this guy? Why does he have a broken lamp next to his bed?

Dawn Rosinger:

This whole entire episode was hey, I just need a new lamp. No, I'm just kidding, I'm not, I'm totally kidding.

Travis Rosinger:

And honestly, it's up to you. You can, I can use the tube of glue and finally finally repair it. Finally fix it, or I'll go buy two new lamps. It's up to you, but we do want to make sure that that doesn't bust apart on you again.

Dawn Rosinger:

Absolutely, when you guys remember you can do it. So we just want to make sure that you don't give up. If you see that crack anywhere coming in, man, just stop and go ahead and do the work to fix it. Well, with that, we want to thank you for listening to this episode of the Loving the Fight Marriage Podcast. Remember, guys, you can do it. You got this. Keep loving the fight. We'll see you next time. Thank you.