My kid was exposed to porn and confided in me. Now what?

Your kid was exposed to porn and told you. You’re happy they were honest, but now what? We know it feels like their innocence has been stolen. We’ve been there, and we know how it feels. This is a defining moment where a culture of conversation can be built. God can use this for good. We’ll walk you through your next steps.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Speaker 2: 0:09

It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.

Speaker 1: 0:14

So your kid came to you and said Mom, I just saw this. Or they confide in you, or they blurt out oh my gosh, but what they're telling you is I saw porn and I need help. And I think in that moment, man, it feels like a punch in the gut because their innocence has been stolen. That's what you feel like, right, it's?

Speaker 2: 0:38

um, yeah, a punch in the gut. It feels angering. I've had this experience and it's like, seriously, they're not necessarily seeking it out and it finds them, because our world is so sexualized and it's everywhere. It's very frustrating in that moment because no matter what you do, it happens.

Speaker 1: 1:01

So maybe they've gone to a friend's house and it got brought up at the friend's house. Maybe they got sent a link, maybe they were just playing a kid-friendly game and they clicked on something and then it popped up and your kid was exposed. No matter what happens, your kid has been exposed, but they can fight in you. They bring it to you and they're like mom, dad, help me with this. Here's the thing I know. In that moment it doesn't feel like a win, because you're like dang it world, you're not going to have my kid. That's what I felt. Like Right, yes, but I want to encourage you right now. If your kid told you, it is a big, big win.

Speaker 2: 1:46

Yeah, and it's hard to say that until you've walked through it and in that moment you almost need to prepare, like hopefully this show is happening and you're listening before it happens. Because when they bring that to you and you feel punched in the gut, it really does take a moment to breathe and step away from the panic and the anger and say, okay, but they came to me, I get to speak into this. Instead of the world explaining what they saw or how they should feel about it, I get to talk to them. I get to share or point them to scripture. I get to talk to them about how this can change their future relationships. That is a win.

Speaker 1: 2:28

It tells me a lot about a person's family culture. You know, when parents contact us and they're like my kid told me this and my first response is always you're doing it, mama, you're doing it. I mean you are creating a culture where your kids saw something that made them feel weird and they knew it was off and you're the safe place they want your guidance. It just tells me a lot about the open communication and the healthy dialogue that's happening in that home. So, first of all, if you are listening to this show because your kid has seen porn and you're feeling punched in the gut, like I want to say well done, good and faithful servant, you are creating a good next, talk, culture of conversation in your home.

Speaker 2: 3:15

We're giving you a digital pat on the back because we know how hard it is. It is not easy to have this kind of culture in your home, because you hear things and you have to talk about things that are uncomfortable and awful, and you know things about other kids and families and at school, and it's exhausting. You just want to crawl in bed, you know, at the end of the evening, but that's maybe when your kid talks and how you start to build that culture of communication. So yes, mandy and I were there with you and it really is a big deal, and so pat on the back to you because you're doing it.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Your kid feels safe. Now my next question to you, though, parents, is how did you respond? Yeah, so you know, this is where I have gone crazy parent mode before, and what I mean by that is they bring it to me and I go ballistic and say, okay, no more of that app, we're throwing away the iPad, whatever it is. You just go ballistic because you want to. You go, mom bear, you want to protect your kid. So if you've done that, we're going to have to step back and circle back and apologize, and this is the reason when we respond that way, and this is what I've learned for years of of doing this. When I would respond that way, I was setting up a culture in our home that when something bad popped up, they wouldn't tell me because they would lose the app or I'd throw away the phone. So they would just hide it me because they would lose the app or I'd throw away the phone, so they would just hide it.

Speaker 1: 4:48

And Satan loves this, because that is where sin and shame survive is in the secrecy, and that is what we're trying to prevent here. We want to bring it into the light. So, anytime they bring us something, and tell us, even if we're mad that it happened, we have to praise them for telling us. Thank you so much for telling me I am so proud of you. Then you can talk about maybe why we have to protect our heart and mind from that app, or protect our heart and mind from that social media until they get older, because this is a lot, you know.

Speaker 1: 5:22

You can have those conversations, but it's it's instead of just flipping out and going crazy parent mode and shutting it all down. We don't want to do that because that sends them a message that they can't confide in us, and it will. This will cross over into other things, boundaries being crossed. You know we just did a series on sexual abuse. I mean this starts with pornography. We have to, they have to feel safe telling us uncomfortable things and then we responding with a thank you so much for telling me.

Speaker 2: 5:55

Well, and a couple of things here. You know, we've asked them to tell us. We've created these guidelines. We've said I want you to come to me with things that you see or hear and I want to help you process, and then if we punish them for doing that, we're really creating this confusing situation for them. So if we've said to do this and they come to us, we need to be celebrating that with them. You've done, done what I've asked, and so then I would say it's a praise and then it's a process. I want to praise you for what you've done now and let's process it together.

Speaker 2: 6:33

And a lot of times in my home, what has helped so much, especially as my kids have gotten older, but even when they were little is well, what do you think about it? Do you think you should still have that app Helping them learn to process ways of protecting their own heart and mind? Because if I just shut it down, take it away and say you know what, that is really bad. Let's get it off your phone or let's get it off the iPad. Yes, that's helpful in the moment, but it's kind of that long-term thought process of, yeah, this is really bad. How do you think you could protect your heart and mind. And a lot of times my kids will have really good ideas. They create the solution and we decide on it together. And so, yeah, it's praise first and then process how you're going to move forward from that.

Speaker 1: 7:21

If you're out there and you're like, oh great, I threw away the iPad last night because something popped up on Roblox A lot of sexualized content on Roblox and we have a show on that, if you want to go check that out. But if you're like I just threw away the iPad, mandy, like what do I do now? This is what you do, and I've had to do this and it works really well, and me too.

Speaker 1: 7:42

We've both messed up big time, many times you go back to your kid and you say hey, do you remember when you brought that to me on Roblox the other night and I went psycho and I threw the iPad away? And your kid is probably going to be like yeah, I remember. You were crazy, probably going to jab at you. Let them jab at you. Then you say I am so sorry. I responded that way. You did everything right because you brought it to me and I am so proud of you and I want you to always do that.

Speaker 1: 8:13

The reason I got mad and went psycho is because I am angry that you were growing up in a world where that is on a kid's app. That shouldn't be the case. This shouldn't be readily available and I am mad about it and I'm going to stay mad and I'm going to figure out why this is happening because it's too sexualized for kids. But I am not mad at you. You did everything right.

Speaker 1: 8:40

So from now on, it's you and me on a team trying to work against this sexualized world that's trying to get your heart and mind to go down these places. So you got to work with me or a team, right? That's how you go back. I've had to go back so many times and apologize to my kids because I went crazy parent mode. And if you're a parent that has never gone crazy parent mode, I kind of think you should, just so you can go back and apologize, because so much happens in that apology where you become a team and you're fighting against Satan and the sexualization of the world and it's just this beautiful moment in that apology.

Speaker 2: 9:20

It's so good for our kids to see us apologize, because it's not easy and it's so humbling for us to do that, but that models for them to have humility in their relationships, and that's what we want. We want them to serve and love their people, their future spouses and their children, and so that apology is more than just in that moment. It's serving them in a way that teaches them about what it looks like to be a wife or a husband or a parent in a healthy way.

Speaker 1: 9:50

We're all still learning and we're all growing in our relationship with Christ and we're not always going to get it right, us or our kids. So that apology and that humility, it's key to creating a next talk culture in your home. It's key We've covered that initial response, the crazy parent mode. The next thing is we have to shift and make sure our kid is okay. They have processed stuff that is difficult for even an adult to sometimes process. So this is the moment where you're crawling in bed with them at night, you're rubbing their back, you're asking them are you okay processing the images? You just want to be a safe place.

Speaker 1: 10:31

Some of the things that I say here in this moment to my kids is you know, with pornography it changes the way you look at people. So you may be in a locker room tomorrow and people may be changing. And now you may be thinking about things that you didn't think about before because you saw pornography. You may be thinking about things that you didn't think about before because you saw pornography and Satan wants that. He wants you to objectify. People think they're just body parts. He wants you to think sexually. He wants to ignite that in you earlier than it should be ignited before your marriage or whatever, and so that is Satan's whole purpose is to get us to think along those lines, and so what I want you to do is process with me let's talk it through together on on how that and just you're going to need, depending on your kid's age. You're going to have to be careful with how much you say. You know we want age appropriate, but you just need to make sure your kid is okay.

Speaker 1: 11:30

One of the things I've always said to my kids is, if you go to bed at night and you can't sleep because you have images in your mind, that's a red flag alert that we need to process that together. You know, because Satan is wanting you to hide in that shame and secrecy and and stew there and and it'll make you spiral into unhealthy places, and so those are the things we need to process. You can also talk about other things, like maybe it's scary movies or, you know, this is why we don't watch scary movies, because when you go to bed at night, you think about that and we have to protect our heart and mind because it takes you to a dark place. So it's the same thing with pornography. It's the same thing with just sexualized R-rated movie content. These are the things we're talking about with our kids.

Speaker 2: 12:21

Well, and I think sometimes because we're angry or sad that our kids have been exposed to this, we want to dig in right away and have this processing moment with our kid. Every kid is different and so you also don't want to push to a place that's uncomfortable, that your kid feels like, oh my gosh, I don't want to do this. So you really need to read your kid also. So maybe you crawl in bed with your kid and they only say a little bit, that's okay, circle back to it, Don't go into lecture mode or pressing so hard that now it becomes an interview and you're a prosecutor in a courtroom. You want to be there for them and an open space where they can talk it through on their terms.

Speaker 2: 13:02

And so I know I have a kid that we need to be taking a walk or playing basketball or doing something active. That's a better place for him to process and he needs time. I have another kid that is the crawl on the bed. Let's talk about it right away. So knowing our kid is a very important part of this process, because this topic is such a big deal and it's going to be ongoing. So allow them that space that, if they're not quite ready that night or right when it happens, don't freak out. It doesn't mean they're not going to, but give them time and circle back to it.

Speaker 1: 13:38

That's such a good point, because sometimes your kid just needs to process and they don't want to talk. In the moment they don't. The other thing that I found, too, is if they don't want to talk about it. One thing that I have found that kind of works is saying well, you know, I looked at the pictures because I had to report it or whatever, or I wanted to see what you saw and I'm having trouble processing as an adult, and so I know it's got to be difficult for you. That way it makes them feel like it's not weird that they're having trouble with it or that they're thinking about it because you're struggling with it, right, and so just again it like takes that wall down a little bit.

Speaker 1: 14:17

But I think you're so right, kim, and that's such a good talking point is you got to know your kid when your kid likes to talk and and if they're a processor and just need a day or two and definitely don't become the interviewer or the lecturer, because then it becomes not conversation, it becomes this thing where they feel like they've done something wrong, and at this point they probably haven't, because they brought it to you. That's the win that we continually want to focus on. They brought it to you, they want to process with you. You are their safe place, and so remind yourself of that. Um, if you're feeling frustrated that they may not talk to you as much.

Speaker 2: 14:59

One last thing on that point that I didn't learn right away, but as my kids got a little bit older I started to realize, um, use normal words like it. You know, when you're talking with your kid about something, it's real easy because it's stressful or we're overwhelmed or sad or mad to go into, like using words that we would use with our friends, or more using words that they wouldn't use or wouldn't relate to. And I have found with my kids, if I keep it short and simple and the way that we would talk about like going to eat lunch, like hey, what do you want? If I keep it very casual, then they're more comfortable opening up to me. So when you do go to have these conversations with your kids, don't feel formal, just be normal. I didn't mean to rhyme, I really did it, just be normal.

Speaker 1: 15:48

That's kind of good. That's kind of good, Kim. That may be a little saying don't be formal, just be normal, Right.

Speaker 2: 15:56

It takes down the wall, they relax, they feel like, okay, this isn't, it's not some weird moment, I'm just going to talk to mom, you know. And so use normal words, normal lingo and keep it short. Just open the door for the conversation.

Speaker 1: 16:13

The other thing too, as you're walking your kid through this and being the safe place, just become educated on why pornography is bad for your brain. It's bad for your future relationships. It becomes self-centered, it increases the demand for sex trafficking, it objectifies people, it increases the rape culture. Like I'm just spewing out like go do the research for yourself. There's a great organization called Fight the New Drug and we plugged them on the last show. But they have a lot of scientific based research that you can go look at. Go to their website and then we gave you some other resources too. But you just want to get educated. If you have a little kid, go get that good pictures, bad pictures book. We talked about that on the last show.

Speaker 1: 17:02

You just need to switch from lecturing. We don't want you to just scream out porn is bad. Don't do it. That is not helpful. That is shameful. If your kid is already watching porn and they're nervous about it, that just doesn't help anything. Instead, we need to switch in our mind. Instead of lecturing and shaming, we're going to educate. So it becomes about educating, and you can do this in a way that is very humble, like I read this research today Since you saw porn. Now I'm digging into researching why it's bad for your relationships and your brain and I found this quote. This is amazing. What do you think about this? So you're just educating them on why pornography is bad for them them on why pornography is bad for them.

Speaker 2: 17:53

And again, with you educating yourself, you're setting that tone for your kids that as they go through life, it's very important to not just go with what someone else says, follow someone else's opinion, but to dig in and learn why something is good or bad for them, and so they need to see you doing that. They need you to not just be spewing things but to actually be sharing real information. That's such a good life skill that we get to teach our kids, and this is a great one for them to learn it with.

Speaker 1: 18:25

It's going to transcend to gender identity, gender surgeries, sexualized content. You know just their faith, their faith, yeah, their faith. I mean over and over again. This is a good life skill. This has happened to me. Is it good or bad for me? Let me research all the sides, then put it through the filter of God's word, and then we're going to figure out if this is healthy for me or not. It's such a good, good skillset.

Speaker 1: 18:50

The other thing I want to say is when, as you're educating your kids on pornography and the dangers of it, follow the money and you can do research on this too. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry, so the sooner they get kids hooked on this, the more profit they get. We're seeing this also with gender surgeries. We did a show called Pronouns. You can go listen to that. If you follow the money, educate your kids on this. You are being marketed to as a consumer. People want you to spend money on things, so they get you to go down certain paths. That is a conversation you need to continually have with your kids, and it's part of this educational piece that you're doing.

Speaker 2: 19:36

Well, and you can see how the conversation evolves. You start with good pictures, bad pictures, when they're little and as they're growing up, you're pointing them to scripture. You're talking about how this affects their relationships. Then you're going into hey, follow the money. This is an ongoing conversation with your kids that never ends and why it doesn't have to be a lecture. It's an ongoing conversation that comes in little bits where they process the older they get and really start to understand why this is such an important issue, why it's so important to talk about.

Speaker 1: 20:10

Yeah, you're going to. This is not a one-time conversation. It's a continual discussion in your home about why pornography is bad, why other things are bad for you. Yes, one thing I want to leave you guys with is if you're a, if you're a mom or a dad who is just walking through this with your kid and you just I just walked through this with a mom and she's texting me saying this is so hard because I'm so mad that it happened, but I'm also so honored that my kid feels safe with me and she's crawling in bed with me at night and we're talking through it. All you know, and this is what I just keep telling her I never in a million years thought my kid being exposed to porn in the fourth grade. I never thought in that moment that I would ever say it was one of the best things that happened to our family. But I can say that because of our God.

Speaker 1: 21:06

In Deuteronomy 23.5, it's one of my favorite Bible verses. It says the Lord turned the curse into a blessing because the Lord, your God, loves you. And so if you're in this moment where you're crying tears because your kid's innocence has been stolen, I want to say speak it out loud, tell your father and pray that this changes your family. This changes the way you talk about culture. Now that you have been awakened, your kid has been awakened, the enemy can't scheme anymore because we're bringing it into the light and talking about it, and then we're creating this new culture of open communication where we're talking about all the things and that is what's going to keep your kids safe. So what if the very thing that you're mad at is actually the thing that's going to wake you up to keep your kids safe long-term? That's what he did for me and that's what I'm praying he does for you and that's what I'm praying he does for you.