My kid saw porn and didn't tell me. Now what?

You feel betrayed and angry because the trust has been broken. Why didn’t your child tell you? Where do you go from here? God can use this for good. We’ll walk you through your next steps and give practical advice to get you and your kid on the same team.

Transcript

Mandy Majors: 0:02

Welcome to the next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Kim Elerick: 0:09

It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.

Mandy Majors: 0:14

So you found porn on your kid's device and they did not tell you you found it.

Kim Elerick: 0:21

So now, what do we do? This is another level because, as we've talked about before, when your kid brings it to you, if you've asked them to report it, it's a celebration, it feels like a win, or it can feel like a win. But this is a little different. You're doing a phone check, you're doing a tablet check and you're like, oh, what are they looking at? It can be shocking.

Mandy Majors: 0:44

It can feel like a real punch in the gut, like I can't trust my kid here. I mean, that's what you immediately think about.

Kim Elerick: 0:53

Or what did I miss and how did we get here?

Mandy Majors: 0:56

Yeah, how did we get here? Right, and your mind goes to all the things, right. How did I mess up? Why is the kid lying to me, like all the things?

Mandy Majors: 1:06

There's one thing that I want to say before we dive into some steps here is this you know, this doesn't feel like a win either, but there was a person on our team, a leader, that pointed this out to me, and I think it's so, so important. She said it's actually a win because we're bringing it into the light. And now we know that this is happening and we could literally change the trajectory of our kid's life because we can speak into it. And so again, you know, yeah, there there can be all these things that you think about, and for sure we get to talk about the lying why they didn't tell you. We're going to dive into that, but just taking a breath and being like Lord, I didn't want to find this I'm disappointed in my kid. I'm disappointed, maybe, in myself, because maybe I didn't prepare them right. Admitting all that is fine, but also thanking the Lord that we've brought it into the light and we can redirect their path and speak into this. I think that's something that we miss when we're in this moment.

Kim Elerick: 2:14

Well, the high emotions, I think we go to this place. That sometimes can be unhealthy, or we're not able in that moment sometimes to step back and breathe and realize the bigger picture. Sometimes to step back and breathe and realize, you know, the bigger picture. And I think if we, if we can do that, we realize, yes, this is a horrible thing and it's not something we would have wanted, but, just like so many things in our life, if we bring them into the light, not only can God shed truth in that, but he can also allow us to speak into that, to help other people. And our kids may be a part of that process as well. That may be a part of their journey, but being in a place where it's not in the light and they're struggling without us, they are going to get direction and encouragement and ideas from the world and so, no matter what happens, the fact that we know, no matter how we found out, is a positive and that's what we can focus in on.

Mandy Majors: 3:09

Well, and I can guarantee you you are not alone. There's a lot of good families with good kids who find bad things on their phones. It's not just you, and maybe that will provide you some comfort. This whole thing parenting a phone has blindsided all of us, and I think the tide is finally starting to turn, that people are waking up and realize how much kids are actually being exposed to things. I mean, we've been screaming it since 2016,. Right, but the tide is finally starting to turn and people are waking up to realize, oh my gosh, it's a little too much, too fast, but in the meantime, they're exposed. So what are we going to do about this?

Kim Elerick: 3:50

Yeah, they've seen things, they've heard things, they've experienced things every day, and we need to come alongside them, and that's what this show is about.

Mandy Majors: 3:59

Yeah, and I think a couple pointers come to mind here as far as we're thinking about next steps is, first of all, like don't spiral. And what I mean by that is don't assume they're addicted. You know we go to oh my gosh, we're dealing with a pornography addiction. I mean, they may have just seen it once or twice, that doesn't mean they're addicted. It means they've they've stepped onto a path that's not healthy. That's, that's definitely what it means, but it doesn't mean they're addicted or we have a major problem here. So I know I had a counselor one time tell me because I have a tendency to spiral when something happens and she said Mandy, you're on chapter three of this book, that's where you are, but in your mind you're on chapter 10. So you're going to all the what ifs, yeah, and I need you to come back to chapter three and take a breath and do this one day at a time, and I think that's very wise advice.

Kim Elerick: 4:54

Yeah, I think it's very easy for us to do that because it's our baby. Even if they're teenagers, this is our baby and they're exposed to something that we have never imagined that they would see, and we know the long-term effect of that and how it's going to affect their relationships and how it's going to affect the way they could possibly objectify people and all of those different things. And so we can go to chapter 10 when we're really on chapter three, like you said, mandy, and so I think it's very important for us to step back on chapter three, like you said, mandy, and so I think it's very important for us to step back. Yes, think about, like where are they at, but also realize and deal with the reality. And that takes conversation, and that's that's the hard part of parenting is digging into the conversation of where's my kid actually at.

Mandy Majors: 5:39

Yeah, that takes. That takes some asking the hard questions of ourselves and our kids and everything. And I think that's the next step. But I also want to say, before we move on to that, kim, one more thing. You know, I said don't spiral, but also like don't get stuck.

Mandy Majors: 5:55

And what I mean by that is sometimes you're paralyzed with fear or anger or like emotions of you processing, or like emotions of you processing, and you're going to have to process, probably with your, you know, your spouse, your best friend, your counselor.

Mandy Majors: 6:12

You're going to have to process this on a parental level, like how disappointed you are in your kid and all these things. But we can't get stuck there, because right now the the focus needs to be on what's happening with the kid and how do we need to address this. And we want to do it in a way that we're not shaming the kid or beating the kid down emotionally. We cannot do that. That's not going to help the situation. This is just about like educating our kids on why pornography is a bad choice, because, let's be real, all kids have this choice now. It's readily available. They have the choice to look at it if they want to look at it. So then our job becomes the educational piece of why it's bad for your heart and mind, and not shaming them if they're curious or want to look at it or have looked at it, but just that educational piece.

Kim Elerick: 7:05

So I think you know the educational piece is really important because we need to not only educate ourselves, but we need to pass that on to our kids. We need to be able to explain to them why it's not just a bad thing, but here's how it's going to affect your future relationships and all of that so we can move on to the next step that we think is very important in this conversation.

Mandy Majors: 7:24

Yeah, and that's ask the difficult questions.

Mandy Majors: 7:27

And so I think one of the first questions you need to ask yourself and this is not about having parent guilt or getting stuck there, but I think it's it is a mature, logical thing to say to yourself as a parent did I warn them of the dangers of pornography when I gave them this phone or this tablet?

Mandy Majors: 7:47

And, if you have, if you did not, if you never talked about pornography but you gave your kid access, that is a moment with a really good conversation, because then you can say, like I have a part in this, I didn't warn you of the dangers, I didn't realize how readily available this was to your generation, and I am so sorry. I say this because sometimes, when you start out with an apology, then the walls come down and then they're more apt to be able to recognize what they did wrong in the situation Maybe not in the first conversation, but you know, but a couple of weeks or as they get to thinking about how this played out. So anytime we can start with an apology and we own our part. That's a good thing to create conversation with our kid.

Kim Elerick: 8:36

Well and to apologize takes humility, and that's where God can really do a work when we are humble and we bring things into the light and it's not a pride issue like oh my goodness, my kid did this thing, or I'm embarrassed, or whatever it is. When we're able to be humble and talk about the hard things and apologize for our role in the situation, it's really incredible what God can do for our role in the situation. It's really incredible what God can do. He creates this conversation so often where we're able to help our kids wrestle, and Mandy and I have talked about this in past shows that wrestling piece where your kid gets to hear what you're saying and hear your story and your apology and then they wrestle with it and find their own path onto making a better choice. That's powerful and that can happen when we bring it into the light and when we are humble and we apologize.

Mandy Majors: 9:28

Yeah, and you may be listening and you may say, well, I did warn them and now I found it and they didn't tell me. And I think that's the most challenging part of this podcast on how to address this. And I think you have a bigger issue on your hand than just pornography, because there's a fractured relationship. Now the trust is very much broken because you did warn them, you asked them to tell you and they didn't. So now you're thinking what else are they lying to me about?

Mandy Majors: 9:57

And we did a show on this what happens if your kid is lying? We'll link it as one of the shows ways to repair the relationship. But this may be a good time also to again humble yourself and be like. You know, when I was a kid, my parents asked me to tell them certain things and I didn't, and I, I struggled too, I messed up too, just because then it makes your kid feel like, okay, I'm not the only one who's not perfect here, right, and so again, it's that humility that's tearing down the walls so that we can get to some sort of good conversation here that is productive and moving towards a better discussion about this.

Kim Elerick: 10:43

Well, and if we're really honest, it's unreasonable to think that our kids are not going to mess up, and I don't think any of us really think that. But I think there are some issues that just feel bigger like this and we sometimes can spiral out of control because it feels so daunting. And so I think it's important to step back, like we talked about before, and realize okay, our kid messed up, yes, but we can bring this into the light and this can transform into possibly a better situation where it turns the curse into a blessing, where we open this conversation where they see, I messed up too and I've made this decision, and so maybe thinking about the topic as not the worst thing that's ever happened and just thinking of it as my kid messed up and how are we going to move forward, helps with stepping out of it and into a healthy place.

Mandy Majors: 11:35

Well and I mentioned this too on our alcohol show you also have to recognize is this a trigger for you?

Mandy Majors: 11:41

So has your spouse or you struggled with pornography, because it's going to hit different. You're going to feel differently about it. It's even a bigger issue. If you know what pornography has cost you in your life, it hits different, just like with me with alcohol, like I know what alcohol has cost me in my childhood and even in my college years, and so it hits different for me. It's a trigger for me when I talk about alcohol with my kids, and so you have to recognize that.

Mandy Majors: 12:10

The other thing is, you need to do a little digging here, because we do kind of need to figure out and this is, you know, asking yourself the hard questions here what are we dealing with? So maybe you found this on a random phone check or whatever. You need to try and do some more digging on that phone, because now we have had a breach of you. Ask them to tell you about this. They did not, and so no privacy is allowed now, right, because we're going to dig deeper into this phone or tablet and figure out.

Mandy Majors: 12:39

Where did they first stumble upon this? Did a friend send this to them? Did they Google something that they were curious about? And this popped up. You're trying to figure out when did they first see it and how long has this been going on, because that is going to help you navigate your conversations going forward. This may just be a one or two time thing. This may have been four years in the making. You know we're dealing with a more serious situation if it's four years, and so you need to just figure out where are we with this?

Kim Elerick: 13:11

Well, yeah, and I think when you're doing that, you realize, is this like a curiosity, you know? Is this? They were on a certain site and there was another link and they followed the link, link, link and then they ended up oh, look at this. And that's very different, a curiosity versus a specific. I'm seeking this out and I think that helps with the conversation also, and, like you said, the timeframe, I think those are things that are really important in the conversation when you're talking to them about how much of a stronghold struggle or an addiction that this may be, and so you do need to do your research so you actually know where your kid is at before you have the conversation.

Mandy Majors: 13:51

Well, the other thing is too I mean you got to make sure your kid is okay. I mean I I'm not taking away their choice and their accountability that they own in all this, especially if you have talked to them about it and they did not tell you. I'm not doing that. I'm not taking away any responsibility or burden that your kids should have had and should have told you about this. But I do want to say I do believe our kids are victims of an overexposed sexualized culture. They have a lot. Everything is normalized Nudes, porn, you know, dick pics it's all normalized and boundaries are blurred because we have a very over-sexualized pornographic culture that we're living in yeah, very over-sexualized pornographic culture that we're living in.

Mandy Majors: 14:43

And so it takes intention on the part of a parent to make sure our kids have an aversion to pornography. I loved that in one of our sexual abuse series our counselor said the word aversion and that is such a good word. It doesn't mean they're not going to be exposed. It doesn't mean they may not want to watch it. It doesn't mean they may not be curious about it or click on it, but but they need to have an aversion Like this is not okay that I'm watching this, and so kids need to be taught that, and so in this, in this step, we we want to make sure they're okay. We want to say you know, I saw some of the things that you watched on your phone and I'm having trouble processing that as a grown adult. Are you okay? Is this something at night, when you go to bed, that you see the images that you're struggling to get out of your mind? Do you go to the locker room at school and do you see people differently? Now, when they're changing in front of you? You need to be talking about all of this to see if your kid is okay.

Mandy Majors: 15:42

We want to get them, and they may not open up on the first conversation, but our goal here is to get them to start confiding in you. Mom, I had this girlfriend and I didn't see anything. I didn't see images of her, but now I do. Or, mom, now I'm thinking maybe I'm, you know, bisexual because of something I watched online. Or we want to get our kids to a space where they are confiding in us about how the pornography has affected their sexuality. This is what we're trying to do, and so we're trying to, and this is not a lecture. This is not a screaming. This is like you rubbing their feet on the couch and talking. This is shooting hoops in the driveway and just talking. Is it affecting your thought process? Is it affecting your relationships? These are the things that we want to start getting our kids to think about, so, if they don't have an aversion to pornography, they can start to see for themselves. Oh my gosh, I am looking at people differently now.

Kim Elerick: 16:43

And I'm so glad that you said that, and I just want to add to that so often as parents, because we think of our kids like they're kids and we don't want to overexpose them, and that's important, that's true. But listen, if you're not saying the words and if you can't say to your kid like oh man, when I saw that, it made me feel like this If you can't explain what's happening, then we really can't expect them to explain how they're feeling. And so we have to be very vulnerable with our kids in these spaces. They have to see that we as an adult are struggling and this is how it feels and this is what that looks like, so that they feel this is a safe space for me to be honest too, and it's not easy, you know, and there's sometimes when it feels like why? Why do I have to do this?

Kim Elerick: 17:28

But this is the world that we live in, and if your kid is exposed and you know that, then you need to speak their language, you need to get into the tough conversation so that they can respond with complete honesty, so you can move forward with helping them to process what they've seen. It won't happen if you don't do it. This is why Mandy and I are so passionate about it, because so many of us feel uncomfortable and we were raised in a space where those things weren't talked about and so we didn't have a place to process these things. We don't want that for our kids. We don't want that for your kids. So say the words, open up, create the space so that they can process what they've seen and move forward with you as their accountability person, as their safe place.

Mandy Majors: 18:14

I have a dear friend and he is a leader at Next Talk and very godly man who has struggled his whole life with this because he was exposed as a young man and never processed it, and so it came into his marriage and it affected intimacy, like all sorts of results because of this pornography. And now, as an adult, he's recognizing it and he's making changes and he's understanding what it's done to his brain Right. And so, just like with the sexual abuse series that we just did, what a gift if we could identify this in their childhood when it happens, so that it doesn't have to affect their future and we can avoid some of the things that my friend has had to deal with and my friend's wife has had to deal with because of this. And so it really is a gift I mean, that's what we said in the beginning to bring it into the light now, even though it's hard, it's difficult. We ask you all the time at Next Talk to do difficult things and we recognize that, but we're capable of that and we can turn kids' lives around by doing difficult things and that's why it's so important to us.

Mandy Majors: 19:29

So, as you're walking through all this and you're making sure they're okay, you've just got to get educated on why porn is bad for you, okay. And so we don't want to say it's bad, don't do it, because that just creates a shaming environment. I don't know about you, but anytime my mom said that to me as a kid, like that's what I would do, like it's rebellious spirit in me whatever she tells me not to do, I'm doing. And so, again, we go from lecturing and shaming that's not good to education, okay. So that means digging into pornography research. Follow Fight the New Drug. They do a great job. They've got research studies on their website. They've got a documentary, they've got all kinds of educational pieces for you to see why porn is bad. But it's stuff like it affects your marriage. Obviously, it will affect your relationships, it affects how you see people now. So there's a dopamine response that happens. So there is literally a hormonal response that happens that you need to be aware of.

Mandy Majors: 20:39

Bring in the Bible this is a science and a spiritual conversation with your kid, because there's all sorts of Bible verses about self control. That's a big one, right, making sure you're not setting worthless things before your eyes. Dig into scripture. Search sexual immorality and lust, right. Those are the things, selfishness, these are the things that biblically point our kids to a matter of.

Mandy Majors: 21:10

It's not okay to get our sex education from a screen. The other thing is follow. I follow this one guy. His name is. I am Joshua broom. He was a porn star, got awards for being a porn star and now he's a pastor.

Mandy Majors: 21:26

Crazy, I mean, it is crazy. He says most of those sets people are on drugs. They have to be numb to get through the scene, right, and so it's not real what you're watching. You think you're watching sex, and a lot of these kids are like I want to learn about sex education through pornography. That's their thinking. It is a movie set, right, it is a production and it definitely does not give you the picture of God's design for sex, where it's intimate and vulnerable and sacred and private between each other. It's this moment of being able to connect with someone on a level where no one else can see or hear. That is God's design and a beautiful way of sex of two people figuring it out together. That is God's design. Pornography does none of that. It's the exact opposite. It is Satan's counterfeit of sex and we have to explain that to our children. We have to educate them on that.

Kim Elerick: 22:39

That cheap alternative. That's what Satan offers in so many different areas of life and it is not worth it. And if we don't share that with our kids, then they don't know. They don't know that there's this beautiful, wonderful, beautiful, wonderful gift that God has for us, and I think a lot of us. That wasn't something presented to us growing up.

Kim Elerick: 23:02

What we have to look forward to and Mandia and I have talked about this so many times there is this great thing we have to look forward to, and Mandia and I have talked about this so many times Like there is this great thing we have to look forward to. It's not just don't have sex, like why, and what is the alternative, and what am I waiting for? You've got to paint that picture for your kid and then you've got to show them here's the cheap alternative that Satan's going to offer. You Don't fall for it. And so that's really, I think, part of that conversation that we miss, because it's uncomfortable again, because we feel like, oh, I don't want to overexpose my kid, or maybe we didn't hear it and it feels awkward, but they are going to learn from the world or they're going to learn from us, and I think it's important that we just make the decision that they're going to learn from us. There's something so much better.

Mandy Majors: 23:47

Well, and just like you said about like don't have sex, don't do it, I think the church got this really wrong in our generation because that was the message we got.

Mandy Majors: 23:55

We got that sex is dirty, and then I think many women have trouble enjoying sex because of the messages of it's wrong, don't do it all our lives. And then we get married and it's safe and okay, and we're just supposed to switch that thinking what we've been raised on. And so I think the church has gotten a lot of this wrong. And also, anytime we say something is just sinful, don't do it, just like with porn, sex, whatever. You see, we miss all these conversations on the why, on why to say no to it, on what like you are going to get this choice. This is why you shouldn't say yes to that. And we have to present the altar when we just say it's sin, don't do it.

Mandy Majors: 24:39

We miss all of that. We miss the wrestling with Jesus of going to his word and looking it up in scripture. And what do you want for my life, lord? Do you want me to have self-control? Do you want me to take my thoughts captive? All of these scriptural verses we miss if we just scream to our kids don't look at it, it's awful. And so we're getting educated and we're explaining the why. It's just not good for your heart and mind because of all of these reasons that we've talked about, and you get a choice and you have to be an advocate for yourself. Are you going to allow this in your heart and mind? Are you going to allow this into your life?

Kim Elerick: 25:22

So I think one of the things that we need to talk about in a practical sense is if you do find pornography on their phone and it does seem that they have a stronghold that it's important not to dismiss it, we need to dig in and find a way to help them break that. Some really practical things that, moving forward, we're not just saying don't do it, just like we just mentioned, because how does that help anyone. What can we do to come alongside our kids so that they can break that stronghold before it becomes an addiction?

Mandy Majors: 25:56

Yeah. So say you're, you know, you're educating, you're looking at these studies, you're explaining the why you're doing all of this and they're they're starting to realize okay, it has affected how I've seen people. Then we need to move into. Do you think we should safeguard your phone in some way? What about not having your phone at night in your bedroom If that's never been? For next talk, that's a perimeter we always say put in place, but if you've never done that, now's the time to bring that up.

Mandy Majors: 26:25

Also, like just being behind a closed door with a phone, it just gives you this feeling of secrecy that you can do whatever you want on your phone. So like, maybe you just don't do that. So like, even if it's lunchtime, you know in the middle of the day on a Saturday afternoon, you're still not going into the game room and shutting the door with your phone. You know you can take it in there. You know, if you've got an older kid 16, 17, they can take it in there, but the door stays open. You know, there's just some safeguards put in place for your older kid. The other thing is this and this was a team member who told me that they did this and I just loved it. Have a certain emoji that you can text back and forth. So when your kid wants to look at porn, or they've been sent porn or they're thinking about porn, they text you this certain emoji and that is your sign to stop and pray for your kid yeah, right.

Mandy Majors: 27:19

Or if you're in a place where you can leave what you're doing and go pick your kid up and go out to dinner or go take them to get coffee or whatever. Let's talk it through. You're tempted right now. I'm here for you and you can do this with your spouse. If your spouse deals with pornography, right. But this is just a way to be like we're on the same team. It's not you and kid fighting against each other. It's you and kid fighting against the temptation of Satan and the devil and all the chaos that pornography brings. So you and kid are on the same team. You're fighting the same battle and, if you can switch it to, you're on the same team instead of being mad at each other. That's where God can do so much healing, and that's what we want to get to.

Kim Elerick: 28:07

That is so powerful. It really is. I mean, I think in any difficult situation that that's the space we want to be in and it just it reminded me. One of the things that often we forget is that our kids have a voice and they have opinions. And when we're walking down a path like this and they're struggling, yes, you can say, you know, text me the emoji, or yes, you can say that, but what do you think would be helpful? Ask your kid what is the hardest time of day for you? When do you struggle the most? How do I come alongside you, like I want to be in this with you, and you might be surprised that your kid will open up and say, oh man, it's bedtime, or it's at this time or when I'm at youth group. It may surprise you when they struggle. And if we can get to that space with them, then how powerful to be able to walk alongside them with a solution that makes sense for your kid, because every kid is different.

Mandy Majors: 29:06

Once we've gotten to the educational piece and through all of this and you're setting up some parameters, I mean this is just where we got to dig in. We got to dig in because if we have determined that this pornography does have a stronghold on our kid, we have to dig in and help our kid break that stronghold. We just do. You know, the Bible says focus on what is true, what is noble, what is right, what is pure, what is lovely, what is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things. And right now the thoughts of your kid is not on those things. And so we have to recognize that and have parent and kid fighting against the enemy, because the real enemy here is not porn stars or pornography. The real enemy here is Satan. We got to remember that. Ephesians tells us. Ephesians 6 tells us the fight is not against flesh and blood. I mean porn stars. They have a story, they are broken, they need help, they need love.

Kim Elerick: 30:05

You know they need that's somebody's daughter, somebody's mother, somebody's sister.

Mandy Majors: 30:10

Yeah. And so the fight is not against pornography or porn stars. The fight is against, literally an enemy that wants to take our mind and put our mind on objectification, you know, fuel the demand for sex trafficking, blur the lines of rape and consent and boundaries. That is what the enemy is trying to do here. And so we are trying to make our kids see that and then help our kid fight against that, so that our kid's mind can go to whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, because that's where God wants our kids' minds when they lay their head on the pillow every night. And so that is the true digging in and trying to switch this narrative here that Satan has created in your kids' mind, and that is key. That is key in this conversation and when you find yourself in this situation.

Kim Elerick: 31:05

Keep talking, keep talking, keep talking and keep talking. And that's I think Mandy and I will keep saying that for as long as we're doing this, because it's not a one-time conversation, it's ongoing, it changes, it evolves with your kids as they get older. And keep praying about the best way to reach your kid, keep praying for the best moment to talk to your kid and then dig in, because that's where we get to help them is when we are listening to the Holy Spirit and we're talking and we have the hard conversations.

Mandy Majors: 31:38

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Kim Elerick: 31:45

Make a donation today at nexttalk. org. This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.