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How do we keep our kids safe online? How do we protect our children in an overexposed, sexualized culture?
Join Mandy Majors (award-winning author of "TALK" and "Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World") for real conversations about the intersection of tech, culture and faith.
nextTalk is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization keeping kids safe by creating a culture of open communication in families, churches and schools.
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LIVE PODCAST: Summer Screens and Sanity
Recently Mandy and Kim recorded the first ever LIVE nextTalk podcast! They kicked it off discussing balancing summer screentime, but the live questions covered everything from AI to apologizing to your kid. It was so fun to have listeners on the show! Listen in for great tips not only on balancing summer schedules, but the power of discipling your kids by having difficult conversations.
Related Shows:
VR and the Metaverse
Owning Mistakes
Screen Addiction
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
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Welcome to the Next Talk podcast, where we share real stories and practical advice for parenting the digital world.
Speaker 2:We're your hosts, Mandy and Kim. Mandy is an award-winning author and the founder of Next Talk, and I'm the director of Next Talk, a nonprofit organization created to strengthen families through open communication. You can check out all of our resources at NextTalkorg.
Speaker 1:We're your wives, moms and friends tackling culturally relevant topics from a Christian perspective. We're sharing what we've learned and where we've failed. We're so glad you're here for this conversation Today. We want to talk to you about maintaining a balance of summer screens and just maintaining your sanity. I feel like it's so much to manage and it's almost like we want to create a balanced environment for our kids, but we don't want to be a nag and be so crazy that then they start hiding things because they want to be on their screens from us. How do we find that balance?
Speaker 1:Just wanted to start with a story first about my kids. Most of you know I have a 15-year-old and a 19-year-old, my 19-year-old college age daughter. She's home for the summer. She just announced a couple of days ago I'm going on a social media break. I'm deleting it all from my phone because I cannot deal with social media. I just thought it was so great because she did it on her own. When she's at college she's busy, but when she's here and has more downtime she's realizing I'm not a whack with this. I think that didn't happen just because I think it was years of conversations of when she was little, like pointing out when she did have an imbalance. That's really great in a parenting win that I was celebrating just a couple of days ago. I also wanted to talk to you about my 15-year-old son. He is a gamer. He loves to game.
Speaker 1:A couple of things that I wanted to tell you. We had a break, a week-long break. School was out and then he had a mission trip. He had six days that I knew would be heavy on the screens because he was sick of school. He needed downtime. He was, quite frankly, sick of people. He just needed downtime.
Speaker 1:I had already stepped back and looked at my summer and batched it up. This chunk of time right here, this is going to be when he's going to struggle the most, because we're going to be home and he's going to be bored and I'm going to have to have some super big conversations. That chunk of time between school and mission trip, I didn't even tackle anything. I didn't tackle anything about goals for the summer or how you're going to spend your. I just let him be. He did his own thing. He's learned to self-regulate to where it wasn't too much. Then, when he got back from the mission trip, his mind was ready.
Speaker 1:Then we talked about how you're going to spend your days, son? What are you going to do every day? What are your goals? Where do you want to be at the end? He's an athlete. He's got all these athletic and physical goals. How are you going to achieve these goals by the end of the year? By doing that. It keeps him focused on more things than just screens. The other thing I do with my older kids more chores, more chores. In the summer, when you're in school, that's your chore, but summer you're unloading the dishwasher more, you're dusting the baseboards, all that kind of stuff. All of that helps them plan their day, so they're not eight hours a day on a screen. I think it's just really important. It's a bigger picture than just the screen time.
Speaker 2:In my mind, Looking at it from your perspective, with the older kids, it's going to look a little bit different. I am dying by the end of May, exhausted and ready for a break. I think about summer and I'm like, yes, beach, we're going to relax, everybody's going to be chill. Then we come through the door that first day of summer and we all just stand around and look at each other like what now? Because suddenly you have this huge amount of time in front of you and you may have like a few trips planned or camps or whatever it is, but that in between, those days where there's not a plan and there isn't school and there isn't structure, like what are we gonna do with those days? And so I think for us, the first week or so is very much like what you said about your son it's okay to do nothing.
Speaker 2:And I struggle with that personally. Like I'm like a list person. Let's do things, let's have a plan. But I think our kids they've gone through this school year and they need a minute too. Like it is absolutely okay to wear your PJs all day, mandy majors. It is absolutely okay for them to stay up late and play on video games or have family game night or just lay around and watch movies for hours upon end. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think as parents, sometimes we judge ourselves and we think, oh, I gotta have a schedule for them, every day's gotta be planned out, and then we can't have these kind of days. I think it's important to have those days sprinkled in throughout the summer to give them recharge before the school year starts again and they are required to have structure. So that was kind of our first bit of conversation was like let's lay around and do absolutely nothing, and then let's talk about some of the things we wanna do this summer, start with big and go down to small. So we talked about our big trips, like what are we gonna do as a family? And then small things, like what are some things we wanna accomplish, and that's like practical things, it's social things, like I wanna spend more time with my friends, it's I wanna do this with my room, like projects around the house, and so we started making those kinds of lists. And then it's the day-to-day management of that downtime.
Speaker 2:So, like you said, mandy, the screen time. We're in that phase. I have three kids. My oldest is 13 and my youngest just turned nine a couple of days ago, and so it looks a little bit different. In that range we are with my older son.
Speaker 2:He has transitioned into that place of being able to manage his own screen time. He recognizes when he's irritable, when he's been on there too long. Or I will walk by and say, hey, I feel like the TV's getting hot, or just something like that. That gives him a little indicator like, oh, you know what I need to think about, how long I've been sitting here, not a turn off the TV now, which is what I wanna say. It's a gentle reminder for him to look in the mirror and say, okay, where am I at today, what have I done and is it time to shift? My middle son is a little bit. He's not quite there yet, so we need a little more structure.
Speaker 2:So we have a couple of hours of solo screen time that we do and that's your favorite game, that is watching your favorite show. That is doing that on your own. But if you are gaming with friends or as a family, we're gaming. That's different. I don't count that towards that two hours because it's social. We're talking, we're laughing, we're having conversation. It's very different than being alone up in the game room and nobody's around and it's just you in the screen. That's very different than a social time with my kids or them with the group of their friends playing. I don't count that towards that two hours for him.
Speaker 2:And then I have a younger one who she's not so much of a gamer but she, if I allowed her to, would lay on the couch for eight hours watching Bluey, and she just loves snuggling on the couch and doing absolutely nothing. And so it's more of a conversation of what are some other things you like to do? And her answer will always be I don't know. So at that age sometimes you have to remind them, and once they're doing it they remember oh yeah, I like to do other things. And so I, with my younger ones, have always put out stations, like I'll go and put a few things around the house, like here's those art supplies that we bought over here on this table, over here on this table, your letter that you were gonna write to your aunt because you made a bracelet for her. Over here is this thing. And I'll say, hey, go check out one of those stations. And they are always reluctant, but if they go over there and get into it.
Speaker 2:I find hours go by and my kid has done something off of a screen. So again, it's not the like. Stop gaming, stop doing this, get off the screen. It's the let's look at other things you enjoy, let's look at other opportunities to use your brain. Let's get out of this rut that we're in right now. And so that's kind of free time, but also structured in a way, giving them some purpose and direction.
Speaker 1:I love all of that, kim. I wanna point out one thing that you said, and that's the gaming distinction, cause this was huge in our home about the solo versus with friends. This is a big deal to me. So I have a 15 year old son. Many times he will say mom, I'm going to play with my buddies from the basketball team and we're gonna do this thing for three hours. That doesn't really bother me. Like I'll walk by the game room. I'll hear them talking about school and girls and basketball and all the things. Not a big deal to me because it's kind of like how they hang out.
Speaker 1:Now, if he were in there for three hours by himself, ordered up, not talking, that's a rut like whoa, what's going on here? That's a little bit much. He just had a friend over to sleep over and before the friend came over, he said mom, we're gonna stay up all night gaming. And I said okay, what are you guys gonna be doing? I didn't just shut it down, I didn't. I said you've never done this before, but it's one time, it's not the norm. I'm flexible. Like tell me what you're gonna be doing. And he's like well, there's this Fortnite tournament and then we're gonna do this. We got this NBA game, we're gonna play All really appropriate stuff Like no, no major violence, killing stuff. You know, at 2 am it was none of that like call of duty or anything like that, none of that in the middle of the night. And so it was all sensible. And so he said and my friend is breaking his own Xbox, his own monitor and his own desk. And I was like are you kidding me?
Speaker 1:And he's like no for real A legit setup wow.
Speaker 1:Set it up, I mean, and I just was taking food in there 2 am and about 11 o'clock I was like I'm out, y'all be good, don't get into trouble, wake me up if you need anything. And I woke up at like one and I came in the kitchen. Y'all their phones were on the kitchen counter and they were laughing hysterically because some guy just did this move or whatever. They were talking about basketball and the basketball game there and I just thought this is okay. This is okay because it's not the norm that my kid is gaming at 2 am, right? And so the next morning I made the breakfast and I was talking to both of them about it. I was like, okay, I can't believe you all stayed up till 4 am and gained. Are you so tired? I'm talking to them and I said it would be really weird if this was like an every night thing, wouldn't it? And they started talking about oh my gosh, we would be losers. Like we don't do that, like we know, like that's not cool. So they're recognizing when I talk about self-regulation. They're recognizing that, yes, this can be used for entertainment and it's okay on occasion, but we shouldn't be staying up every night, or this shouldn't be a normal thing that is done in our home, and I think finding the balance is really important here when you can do that.
Speaker 1:And my son for years when he would throw, he would get mad when he was younger and throw the controller across the room. And I wouldn't try to talk to him in that moment because emotions were high and I was like there's no, we're just gonna end up screaming right now. But later on I would go back to him and I would be like why do you think you got so angry? And I would never tell him it's because you've been on a screen too long, but I would. I would because I wanted him to see why. And he would say I needed a break and I didn't step away. I got too involved in the game. Okay, great, I'm so proud of you for recognizing that. Let's try to self-regulate more in the future. And I've seen him do this as he gets older, like he'll get angry still. You know those emotions. He's competitive and he's in there, but he will turn it off now and then he'll plop on the couch and turn on a YouTube or something Like. I can see his little mind trying to deal with the emotional responses of the screen and dealing with that, and I think those are so important. Those are teachable moments that we miss.
Speaker 1:If we just bust in the game room and blaze in and say turn it off, right now you are addicted. You are addicted to a screen and people with slapping that addiction label on your kid be so careful. They probably are dealing with a stronghold. I think most of us are. But slapping that addiction label, man, that can be something that can get in their little spirits and be hard to break. So we don't want to. You know, I always say most of us have a stronghold, something, whether it's food screens, you know, whatever, facebook. But our thing is we have to recognize the stronghold before it becomes an addiction. Like that's our job as a self-controlled Christian who wants to do right, you know, and like seek God out and say what do you have for me here? Is this okay that I'm doing this? Because it becomes an idol and it becomes a situation that we need to deal with.
Speaker 2:Well, and going back to your story, you set up the environment for him to be able to have that sometimes extravagant overnight play with his friend situation when he was younger and I think that's the key here and a lot of times during the summer we have more time to do that, to have those conversations, to think through these things, and so, for example, my kiddos that are younger in the same space we just had a similar situation and I'm thinking about how that situation, if I hadn't handled it well, he wouldn't be prepared, when he's 15 years old, to get some of that freedom to stay up late with his friend, because it would have just been out of control ball, like continuing continuing down this same path. He had a pact one of my kids has a pact with his brother that they only play this one game together. They were playing together and the one brother walked away and the other brother continued to play and it was so cool. Today he told me I knew it was wrong and it was just so appealing and I was having so much fun. I just kept wanting to play and then the more I did it, the more fun it was and it just was even fun, kind of that. Nobody else was there and it was great. Inside I was like ugh, but it was great conversation Because I could say, man, can you see how that applies to other things in your life that are fun and enjoyable, maybe a little bit taboo, maybe nobody else is watching.
Speaker 2:And now's the time, while you're young and under my roof, that we can talk about this, like how it made you feel what could you have done differently, like how are you going to resolve it now and moving forward, and what did it feel like and how could you stop it next time? Like what are some steps that you could take that are practical and emotional. So we talked through all of that and he had the opportunity to apologize to his brother and we came up with some practical things and at the same time, I feel those things. Here's what I'm going to do, and so that kind of conversation with your kid when they're young, when they're 15, you know you can trust them then, because you've walked through some of those things, they have the tools that they get to stay up with their friend because they've earned it. Not just because they want to, but because they've earned it.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think we should point out here in your story you weren't shaming and I think you've repeatedly not been shaming to your kids when they come to you and they say they're struggling with something.
Speaker 1:So your child felt safe expressing their feelings to you and I think this is a big component here and just shutting it down and saying no and kind of being a nag about it, we lose. I mean, they're human. We are raising a human being and they're going to feel and they're going to struggle and being able to confide in us about that, that is a privilege and an honor. And so that's the key here to be like I don't expect you not to struggle, I don't expect you to be perfect, I just expect you to. Let's talk about it. Let's tell me when you're struggling or tell me when you're feeling out of whack. Let's talk about what that looks like. And I think that's the key here, because then it becomes so much more than a conversation about screens. It becomes like the relationship with your kid and what you're building, that healthy dialogue about every subject.
Speaker 2:And don't forget when they get it right. When they get it right, you've got to praise them, because we tend to focus on the negative when they mess up. But when they're doing it right and you see it, take the time to be like man. I saw how you were noticing that you were getting a little bit agitated and you turned off the TV, Like that's so important too, that they see us praising them and that we are their biggest cheerleaders. Because they responded to that too. That fills their cup, and then they want to do more good. So take the time to recognize the good as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah positive reinforcement.
Speaker 1:So, and you know, that's what I see it's so weird because I started this journey just trying to keep my kids safe online and what I've realized is it's so much more than that.
Speaker 1:Like God called me to this open communication and now it's way more than just about monitoring the Xbox. It's about this amazing relationship that I get to have with my kids and I'm just learning so much on it every day, about how old Mandy was such getting it all wrong because and honestly, I was getting it wrong because I was scared, I was afraid, I just wanted to protect and bubble wrap and you know, like Mama Bear, and the thing is you can only do that to a certain age. And then they're out in the world and they're exploring and they're hearing and they're seeing, and so it really is. Sometimes I think technology feels like a curse, but I honestly look back and I think it's a blessing, because I think it's pushing us into a deeper, deeper discipleship with our kids that I was totally missing before, but now I am like, I'm like intentional and I'm committed because I'm like, oh, poor, poor in our groomers not going to get my kid, so I'm digging in here.
Speaker 1:And yeah, yeah it's created this amazing discipleship opportunity. So I think that's the thing too. If you're feeling super overwhelmed, like God can take your curse and make it into a blessing. That is a Bible verse that he says he does, and I still look back and say my kid being exposed to porn in the fourth grade was one of the best things that ever happened to our family, because my head was in the sand, I wasn't being a good mom, I was just saying no to everything and not talking about anything or their feelings, and so it has really opened my eyes.
Speaker 2:We all know we experienced it ourselves growing up and even as adults anything that's completely taboo pushes people towards it, like it's more intriguing, you want to know more about it. And so whenever we make something completely shut down, shut off and taboo in our household and we're unwilling to talk about it, our kids are going to be curious. Their brains are not fully developed so they're like let me know about it, I want to hear about it. So, my goodness, if there's a way to introduce something, just the concept of it, in a way that my kid can say mom's going to, let me ask questions about this, mom's going to, let me be curious about this with her, and she'll tell me the truth. I'm on board, I am on board, and so I think it's one of those things that can be so scary. But if we look at it in terms of I'd rather my kid learn from me than this crazy world, then it makes sense. Then it makes sense we want to dig in and have the hard conversations.
Speaker 1:So, with that being said, I think we can open it up because, as you can see, it's more than just about screens here at Next Talk. That's just a small case of what we talk about, and so your question or your comment, I'd love to hear from you. If you were doing something this summer that works and you have found that has been so good, share that with us. If you have a parenting win, we want to hear that. Or if you have a question, that would be great too.
Speaker 4:You talked about the difference between an addiction and a stronghold, and I understand what those words mean, but how do you know? I feel like a lot of us probably have one or another. What's the threshold there for when it turns into an addiction?
Speaker 1:Well, and this is the distinction that I make, and I did not use to make this distinction. This is something I learned because I used to overuse the addiction word, and one of the times I was working with one of our counselors and she pointed it out to me and I was like, oh my gosh, this is great. So what can we call it, though? Because I do think a lot of people struggle, and I told her like I struggle with social media, with being on all the time and checking it all the time and notification. It is definitely not an addiction, but it's definitely a stronghold. That could become a major addiction if I don't have my guard up, and so I think you just need to look for things like is it becoming an idol? Is it like non-stop and you can't let it go? So a good defining thing for me, and I would use this example with my kids.
Speaker 1:Sometimes my husband will point out gently when I'm out of whack and he will say honey, I love you so much, but every time we climb into bed and I'm ready to talk, you're on your phone Like can we talk about this?
Speaker 1:And if I get super defensive and won't hear anything, that's a red flag that it's moving from a stronghold to addiction point, because I don't even want to hear it. And I think that is one of like being open and being humble and being willing to admit when something has a stronghold over you. But I would say an addiction would be like 24, seven, like you're thinking about your life around this thing. So you're thinking how can I go through if it's food, how can I go through a drive-thru and nobody know because I don't want anybody to know and how you know, am I going to that kind of stuff? Like I'm going to hide it from my I'm not going to use my debit card here because I'm going to hide from my husband that I went through this drive-thru because I want this food. Like that's, that's a problem, you know. If you're now lying about it and it's, it's going into this area where you can't be rational and logical and take a step back and say whoa, I got a major problem here, like something's happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when addiction starts to affect your daily living, so like your job, your family, like you're no longer, let's say, your normal things that people would know you for, like maybe cooking dinner, getting to work on time, those types of things, just basic things when you start to replace that item, that thing, that action, with that normal behavior, then you're moving into addiction. So Kim's not showing up at work, kim is not doing cooking dinner for anyone, kim is not going to church anymore. When you start to replace that item because oh my gosh, I'm at home and I'm gaming, I can't get enough of this game that's really when you've moved into addiction for sure. So it's really affecting your daily living.
Speaker 1:It's the same thing, I think, with bullying. We call everything bullying now, and that word should really be reserved for extreme cases. Being mean is not a bully, and so I mean somebody can make a snap, judgmental, mean comment on social media. It's not necessarily bullying. Bullying is something like this person is trolling you and everything. It's a constant, and we just don't want to minimize words, big words that are important. Same thing with racism. Racism is a big deal that needs to be handled, but if we call everything racism, then people just start rolling their eyes and they don't listen to it anymore. So we have to be careful about overusing some of these big words, and our kids are really bad at this. They call everything bullying, they call everything racism, and that's a big conversation that we've had in our home too.
Speaker 1:Addiction is serious. If you have moved into an addiction, you need to be getting medical professional help at this point. When you're on a stronghold, you're able to step back and do some things on your own to figure it out. But when you get into, like Kim said, your daily life is being changed. You need medical help and we're getting into a very much more serious situation then.
Speaker 5:OK, hi Manny, hi Kim, thanks for having me on here. So my question is I recently implemented something in our house and I was just looking for some feedback. So I've been trying so hard not to be the nagging mom this summer. Like I understand, it's summer, they want to decompress all the pressures of the school year and I agree with like when they're with friends and on gaming and stuff, that's fine. I love that they're having that camaraderie and friendship and having their fun time. But there was sometimes I was seeing that my son was in his room gaming. He has his door open so I can hear everything. There's nothing inappropriate. They're usually playing like basketball, nba 2K, or I'll go in there and sit down and stuff and just see what's going on. But I was kind of starting to like catch myself wanting to be nagging and be like OK, it's time to get off, let's go do something productive.
Speaker 5:So we were kind of I was kind of struggling with myself and I was like you know, how about I just have a conversation with him and we implement a system? And so him and I went over some guidelines there's so many new terms that I use, thanks to you all, because if before Next Talk, I would have been just nagging, nagging, nagging and I would have just been talking at him instead of like bringing him into the conversation to create those guidelines. So we kind of went over like things that maybe we should accomplish in the morning before we start gaming, because I was noticing he wanted to get up and just start gaming and I was like, how about? You know, let's go over something, let's take a shower, get dressed, brush your teeth, have some breakfast. So I mean I kind of made a limit with him and I asked him for his feedback and he's, you know, I was like, how about like two hours a day in totality?
Speaker 5:What do you all think about that? I mean it was a good, I know. I mean he was a little like frustrated, but he kind of like went with it. But I was just wondering, was that like? Was I being a little bit too much or is that? I don't know. I just was kind of like am I being too naggy or is that kind of the right way to go about it? He's 13,. By the way, for reference, he's a 13-year-old boy. I have a 13-year-old boy too.
Speaker 2:Yes, we have a saying in our house work hard, play hard, excuse me, and I love that. I love that you are bringing him into the conversation and you're talking with him about it and helping him to, or allowing him to be a part of the solution. I think that's so important. Then, just here are the rules. Let's sit down and talk about what makes sense, what makes sense to you, and then come together on a plan. I love that we do something very similar, and I don't love when my kids get up and jump on a screen. I don't love that. And so one of the things that we have talked about is like your brain is waking up, your body is waking up. Let's either go outside and see the sun, let's spend some time in the word, or let's just have some quiet time and some breakfast as we ease into the day, and so and then we have they all have responsibilities, and I used to say you have to do those before you can play Now during the school year. That's true, like responsibilities.
Speaker 2:First, work hard, play hard.
Speaker 2:During the summer, I let them manage that a little bit more and then, if I see them out of whack, like Mandy said earlier, like they're gaming, gaming, gaming and there's like laundry everywhere and they haven't done the dishes and they haven't done anything productive, as you said. Then I kind of step in and say, hey, let's get back to a little more. Work hard, play hard, which means we need to accomplish a few things before we relax and do nothing, Just like real life, like mom has to work in order to do nothing in the evening, and that makes sense in their mind and it's a conversation and I think that's great and I think you should revisit how are you feeling about this? Do you see that you still get to hang out and have fun and do you want but then everything's done that needs to get done, and do you feel accomplished? Like, ask them how they feel about it, and I think that helps with them connecting good activities with how it feels and making that decision, as they get older too, to do that on their own. Ok.
Speaker 1:It's perfectly OK for you to say to your kid like I'm struggling without a handle. This because I don't want to nag you. You're 13 years old and I know you're learning how to be very honest and vulnerable, just like you would with your spouse. It's OK to be like I'm figuring this out. It is the first time I'm a parent of a 13-year-old trying to figure out screen time. So tell me if I'm being unreasonable, like I want to meet you in the middle. I just my fear here is and I've said this to my kid my fear here is I'm going to raise a kid who moves out at 18 and they won't get off their game and they'll be like won't work and they won't, and that is not who we're raising here. So I want you to have this healthy balance and I want to figure it out with you. But help me here, give me some feedback. It's perfectly OK to be that vulnerable with your kid.
Speaker 1:The other thing is this is where I love Kim, because we have different homes, have different roles and there's no right or wrong here. So it because of the way our schedules are in our home, like it doesn't bother me whatsoever that my son would get up and play game first. It would not. Now, if he got up and I didn't see him getting off and going to work out or going to basketball, then it would create an issue where I would have to have some conversations. Like Kim said, you got to go in with OK, we need to get some things done first before you, because you're not making it, you're not self-regulating, right.
Speaker 1:But my whole thing is during the school year, I mean, when my kid was little, he would get up before school and want to play, and I had to nix that, and so what I said to him at that point was your mind needs to get ready to go to school. Your mind doesn't need to be focused on gaming. So what we're going to do here is no gaming before school. But in the summer we don't have that restriction. So that was my balance of he can get up and game, just because of the way he rolls. It's more. He's more like wanting to game in the mornings and then in the afternoons he's typically working out playing ball. You know, it's just. Again, it's what. There's no right or wrong here, it's just finding the balance and having the conversation. So I think you're doing great by bringing him in.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:Good job.
Speaker 6:Hello, so I touched on earlier the parenting from fear conversation and I'm sure because y'all are amazing, you have a podcast and the works on this but the whole AI stuff is terrifying to me. I read I don't know if it's sure not, but that they can find a picture online and turn it into a naked picture where it's not it originally wasn't and then they can post it, and so that is terrifying to me. My kids my oldest is 12. So I still have a couple years until social media but how do you come to grips with that fear that is constantly there? Like I'm, you know, I don't want to put that fear in them, but I don't post pictures of my kids online. And so, number one, coming to terms with the fear and not passing it to them. But number two, if they make decisions different from how you kind of want them to, how do you come to terms with that as well? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I knew percent. Kim, you want to start this. We're doing a lot of research in the background on AI right now, actually.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm trying to find a guest that is super knowledgeable in AI but not so high in the clouds that, as we're listening, we're like, I say what you know, someone that's a real, that can bring it down to a place that's relatable as parents, as moms and dads, and so I'm working on that, because that is a number one guest request that I have and that we want to have on the show. So, yes, you're right, it is coming. I think and I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but for me, I feel like AI is in the same category as the smartphone was for me when that came out, as was social media and the online world when that came out. And there's going to be something after AI also, and the answer is going to be the same.
Speaker 2:I cannot be with my kids 100% of the time, and something bad may something bad will happen. It may be something small or it may be something horrific. And if I bubble wrap my kids and keep them in the closet or the drawer, like I've thought about, then I rob them of the beautiful life that God has for them. And so this comes back to praying over them, praying with them, yes, using all those tools that we have to protect them, maybe not posting pictures, teaching them all the things, having the filters on your phones and your devices and not letting them do certain things. But it does come back to the conversations. It really, really does, and I know that it's hard for me sometimes because I feel like, is that enough? Is there more that I could do Besides locking the door and doing like those basic safety procedures? But the online world is everywhere and it's getting bigger and our kids are going to grow up in it and it's going to be more part of their world than ever, and so the best thing we can do is equip them with being wise about what they're doing and the conversations that we're having with them as the world changes.
Speaker 2:I don't think there's anything more we can do with that other than our own work of asking God, like laying that fear at his feet because it will cripple you. I mean I have been there where like crippled me to fear, like crippled me to tears, I mean because it is so scary, like when we did our first AI show, like I cried through the writing of that show. The thing like the horrific things that people are doing. I just it was overwhelming and I had to step back and I had to say, god, I can't fix this. Only you can protect my babies and I have to give them to you.
Speaker 2:I have to give this fear to you and I have to not let that cripple me into not parenting well, which is the conversations, which is the letting my kids know what's out there. Let's talk about it Like what does it look like? How can we protect you? How can we be smart about it? And come to me, you know, come to me, always middle of the night, no matter what's happening, always come to me. And I know we would like a solution that's, you know, easier than that and more straightforward, but I think that's where we're at with that.
Speaker 1:The show Kim is referencing is the metaverse show. We did that and it was really about AI. I mean AI, chat, gbt, meta, it's kind of all the same thing, right, it means like computer generated stuff taking over.
Speaker 2:Intelligence yeah.
Speaker 1:And Kim was. She's saying she was crying because she was doing research where people were actually being raped through meta, through the meta world, the metaverse, and through technology and all of these other things that were happening in this AI centered world. Right, and I think the thing for me is I have learned so much, like I want to give you a little bit of hope here and, like my kids, we're both on Snapchat and AI just released an AI generated robot thing on Snapchat where you can ask the AI friend questions. And, just to give you a little bit of hope here, my 15 year old, my 19 year old my 19 year old didn't even download it because she was like that's stupid, like why would I ask a computer for life advice? Because guess what she asked me. I've created the safe place. She doesn't need a robot to tell her life questions.
Speaker 1:My 15 year old he's a little bit more impulsive. He downloaded it and started chatting with it and was asking basketball questions, to which he didn't like, and so he was texting me about it, saying this is so stupid, like I'm just gonna go out and do the research on my own. So I think, again, having these conversations, they're starting to see on their own how dangerous and like how non-effective it is, cause you're at. It's basically like Google, but bigger. You're still asking, and I have taught them from day one you can Google something and it can be inaccurate because it's not gonna take into account the Bible or what God says or anything like that. So when you Google something, you're getting a secular viewpoint and that's not who we are. So they have learned anything you Google is subject to debate or subject to what does the other side say about this? And so when the AI robot went on Snapchat, they both had their guard up like this is crazy. So again, it's that not letting fear drive you. But then it's so cool in the end, like me getting to see what God is doing through all this, like I don't have to be afraid of it because we've created the conversation and the safe space and they'll ask me and we'll talk about it.
Speaker 1:And the other thing is one thing that Kim said about chat GPT can you tell them what you? You did a reel about this. I thought was great too for young kids, cause my kids are just like whatever, I'm not even, like I don't want one more thing. That's what they're saying. Like I don't want, with threads they both were like I don't want one more social media, like this is just stupid, like they're over it. They're over the social media. This generation, they're very smart and if you have conversation with them they're starting to see like this is taking over our lives and it's robbing us of like real relationships with people in real life and they don't like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, and I think it goes back to what we were talking about before with anything that's taboo. So my 13 year old came home and he had heard about AI and it's I mean you, you open your, your browser and it gives you that option to search with AI and it's giving you these different new tools. And he had heard about it and I wanted and this was after I had done all this research so I wanted to be like I know, but instead we looked at it together and the cool thing about it, we actually planned our family vacation using it chat, gbt. It was really cool. That usually takes me days and hours and hours and it took three seconds to say we have a family of five and this is the kind of stuff we like to do. This is where we're going. And it planned out this amazing itinerary with the links and here's some suggested hotels that are family friendly in your budget.
Speaker 2:It was so cool and the neat thing about it is getting to do that with my son and we saw the cool side of it. Just like we say with social media, you know, there's some cool things like being connected with your family that's far away, with pictures or whatever. We saw the cool side of it. But it allowed me again the opportunity to have a conversation like how could this be bad? What could happen that would be negative in your life, using something like this as a source for everything you need? And that opened this conversation that took like an hour. We hung out, we talked about it, talked through it, and I never would have gotten to approach those subjects through the filter of the AI conversation if I had shut it down. So again, yes, gary, yes, it feels like the enemy is always coming to kill, steal and destroy through something, but we can use that. We can flip it and use it for good and good conversation.
Speaker 1:Well, and I love that, because everything's used for good and bad right. And so now you're teaching your kids to be wise and use technology for good. If it's going to save you time, use it. If it's a theological question that you're going to base your life course on, that may be a real person kind of question, like show them the difference of what you could ask AI, a robot, a computer-generated thing, versus the importance of asking a real person in real life who you trust and who have proven themselves trustworthy, and I think that's a good conversation to have in them, understanding the difference between the two as well.
Speaker 3:Hello, hello. I had a question about backtracking. What if your boundaries maybe have not been as strong as you wanted them? And now I have two girls, 12 and 9, almost 10. So the gaming isn't so much the issue. I mean, they like the Roblox and they enjoy, they like to watch Reels on YouTube, which I did set a limit on that, like there's a time limit, like that's it. But how do you back out of things?
Speaker 1:OK, so I love this question and I actually get so excited about it because I get it a lot at events.
Speaker 1:I've gone and I've just laid everything out and then parents are like, wait a minute, my kids have phones in the bedrooms and the bathrooms. Like what do I do now? Because we recommend no phones in bedrooms, no phones in bathrooms. Set up those guidelines. So here's my thing. First of all, what you don't do, you don't go in guns blazing, that's it, we're done. We're throwing away the laptop Because that's going to hurt the relationship with your kid and they're going to hate you and I don't want that. We don't, we don't need that.
Speaker 1:So I think I'd be very vulnerable with your kid and say I'm struggling with this. I think that's what you need to do. You need to have a real honest conversation and say, when I let you have all this access, I did not realize the harms that are out there and there are strangers that are posing as kids, that are trying to get you to talk to them. There are. There are things happening in the online world that I know you may not be ready for and I didn't realize it. So I trust you and we're good and you haven't. We haven't had any issues. But what if we create some new boundaries now, because my job as your mom is to protect you and I don't want to make your life miserable. I'm not saying we can't have tech. You know it is your, it is the way you're growing up, but I just want to learn it together because my job is to keep you safe and just bring them into the process. And if they say OK, then you may start with one little guideline. So if they have phones in the bedrooms or tablets in the bedroom, that may be their first guideline. Can we try no phones behind closed doors? So maybe they have it in their bedroom but the door is open, you can hear there's no just going behind a door, one person with a screen, because you can get into all kinds of trouble there and there's no accountability.
Speaker 1:And then the other thing I would be very clear about what you want reported to you, and we did a show on this. You need to be very clear because what happens a lot is kids see nudity, or kids see cuss words, or kids see something that makes them feel like is this OK, is this not OK? But they don't know if they need to tell us or not, because really they see it all. So be very, very clear about what you want. Reported to you and we have a show about it it's like five things, and when your kids are little like this, it's like anything violence, bullying, threatening, mean language. I would do anyone in a bathing suit or less, and I would say I don't believe all bathing suit pictures are bad. That's not what I'm saying. But right now that's just our threshold until you get a little bit older and we can figure this out.
Speaker 1:The other thing is like any word you don't understand. This is a big one. If you see any word being used on YouTube Shorts or in a chat that you don't know what it is and you're curious and you're thinking, hmm, what is that? You got to tell me that. That's a whole comp. You know, I want you to tell me those things, and so those are. Those are some of those examples we give on the show. And then here's the kicker If you do that, they're going to start coming to you with some things, and that's when you cannot be crazy mom mode.
Speaker 1:You have to, you have to practice that filter and the first thing out of your mouth is thank you so much for telling me. I am so proud of you. Let me let me look at this and see what's going on and we'll figure that out and then you can circle back to why it's not good for their heart and mind and why we need to protect it and all that. But always praise them for telling you, because then you're positively reinforcing that they, that it's OK to tell you, and you're creating an environment when they get older and they may struggle because all their friends are watching porn and they're curious and they, they want to look at it that they're able to say that to you. Like that's the goal here, not that our kids never struggle with porn, but that if they do, they can tell us and we can walk it through it with them. I mean, we're all going to struggle with something and so that's the goal here is to be able to do that.
Speaker 2:I just want to say, really quick, just to add on to that, that something I have found is, when I do go back and say I got this wrong or I need to change this, it reminds me, too, that I'm setting them up for the ability to do that in their own future relationships, because that's such an important lesson as parents that we need to pass on to our kids is it's OK to say sorry, it's OK to say I got it wrong, it's OK to humble yourselves before your spouse, before your brother, your sister, mom, dad, and we need to model that.
Speaker 4:OK, we have a couple minutes left and there's a question in the chat that I think is really good, but I think maybe I feel like we need your best like 60 second answer to this so we wrap up on time. Let me read it really quick. Summertime puts us, puts us around extended family of all ages. What advice can you give us to talking to older kids about stuff when little ones are around? I don't want to expose little kids. What older kids might need to hear.
Speaker 1:Have the conversation with your older kids. Have the conversation with your older kids. Like we don't have younger kids in my home, but when we go visit, like the Elrics, I will remind them always. Hey, if you guys pull something up on YouTube or something, remember they're not your age and I think if your kids are at different ages, bedtime is a great time to crawl in bed with your kid. If you need to have a conversation with your older kid and you can't have your younger kid here at the dinner table, great time If they, if they have their own room.
Speaker 2:I always put my older kids and their friends to work and I say, hey, listen, I want to give you a super important job. I need you to help me. I need you to help protect my younger kids' heart and mind. Like I know that's a heavy question or a heavy request, but it's important and I need you to be a part of that because it will affect them the rest of their life. So I always say that. And then if I need to talk to one of the older kids when there's younger kids around, it's bedtime or it's, hey, let's go out on the back porch or let's take a little walk down to the mailbox. Like create that separation, but don't not have the conversation.
Speaker 1:I have the visual right now of my older daughter jumping in front of my son one time when a bad commercial came in and she literally tackled him because she was trying to protect his heart and mind. But they take this seriously and I think that's really good because it makes them start thinking why is technology exposing these kids to so much Like? Why is everything so sexual or why any get your older kids?
Speaker 4:thinking too about it. So good, nanny Kim. Thank you all so much for man. You guys are so good at just answering questions on the fly I don't know how you do it but it felt appropriate to read that verse that you referenced Mandy about. I'll just read it. This is Genesis 50, 20. What you intended to harm me, god intended it for good to accomplish, but it's now being done. The saving of many lives Like that's such a good verse for us to remember as we think about these really tough conversations. So thank you guys for being here, and that's it.
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