Q&A: Answering Your Questions

We start with a short intro on a trend we’re noticing in churches and then we’re tackling your questions:

• My 16-year-old has a phone with no guidelines. How do I go back?
• My 5-year-old was exposed to porn at a neighbor’s house. I’m at a loss.

Chapters

• 0:10 Introduction, submit a question, trend we're noticing in churches
• 4:29 16-year-old has phone with no guidelines. How do I go back?
• 10:10 5-year-old exposed to porn at neighbor’s house. I’m at a loss.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world. Today is my first podcast without Kim and, I'm not going to lie, it feels awkward. It feels awkward guys, but just like Kim reminded me and she texted me this morning and just encouraged me also, it's me and Jesus and this is what we're going to do. So we're going to try some different formats and one of the things that we have been talking about for a while at Next Talk taking some of the questions that y'all give us and answering them live. So that's kind of what we're going to do today.

Speaker 1: 0:42

We've been getting some questions through our podcast platform. You can text us there, send us a message there through Spotify or Apple, and so today we're going to go through some of those questions. But before we get going on that, a couple of things I want to say. I'm going to rely on you for you guys to tell me what you like and don't like. So if you like this format, let us know. If you don't like it, let us know. I'm relying on this community to tell me. I don't want to do a podcast just to do a podcast. My goal is we want to serve families at Next Talk. So if this is not helpful to you, then we obviously want to hear that feedback. There's other ways. We have a lot of ways we serve families at Next Talk and I just want our time to be used efficiently to make sure that we're making parenting easier for you guys. Before we get into the questions, there is something on my heart that I want to share with you guys.

Speaker 1: 1:45

I was at an event recently and you know, if you've ever been to one of our events, like I say, all the things we talk about pornography, sexual abuse, sextortion, suicide I mean I do not hold back because my goal is I want kids to be safer after that event. I want their parents to be more educated and be able to have the conversations at home. You know, oftentimes I know I'm a little bit much when I come into these events I feel like sometimes I'm a tornado that comes in and I say all this stuff and you know, the goal of an event is we want everybody to leave feeling hopeful and empowered, like that is the goal, and we get there to the practical solutions on how to keep your kids safe. But we do talk about the problem a lot and what we're up against and what our kids are up against, like what they're struggling with, and so, anyway, I was at this event and afterwards a lady got up from the church and she said this is church y'all. We should be able to say all the words at church when our kids are struggling, this is the place we should run to. And it was a whole moment because God really spoke into my heart.

Speaker 1: 3:01

When I first started speaking in churches back in 2014, about a decade ago just to say the word porn was very taboo. People did not like it, and she got up and she was praising it Like there was no, there was no softening what I said, and it just was a reminder to me that I see a tide turning in the Christian culture in our churches where we can say the things, and I love that so much. There's like an awakening happening that it's okay to say it, because our kids are exposed and if the world is talking loudly to them, we have to say the words too. And I don't know. It was just something that I wanted to share with you, because I'm not afraid to say the words in a church anymore and I used to be I would walk in and I would pray please, lord, please don't let me upset anybody in this church because I'm going to say porn or sexual abuse in their sanctuary. But now that's not even a thought, because I know it's a safe place to say it. So I just think that's really cool to see the evolution of our Christian culture and how we're growing in our churches to really have open communication. It's important and I think everybody sees that it's important that we have to be educated on the culture and talk with our kids openly about it. So that was just a little rant about what's on my heart today. I wanted to share that with y'all.

Speaker 1: 4:30

Let's get into the questions. Here's the first one. My kid is 16 and already has a phone. She has no guidelines or boundaries that you talk about. She has her phone in her bedroom at night. How do I go back?

Speaker 1: 4:47

First of all, just give yourself some grace. Raising a kid in such a digital world is tough and we've all been blindsided by it. I don't know of anybody who says I wish I wouldn't have done that a little differently because it's a big experiment. I mean, that's what we're talking about here. So first of all, I just want to just give yourself some grace. Second of all, what I don't want you to do I don't want you to go in guns blazing. Oh my gosh, I found this nonprofit Next Talk and they're telling me this and that so no phones in bedrooms, no phones in bathrooms. Don't do that. And the reason I say that is because your kid is going to hate you for that. They have this freedom and you're taking it away for no reason and they're going to hate you and I do not want to do anything to hurt the relationship with your child. So I don't want you to approach it like that.

Speaker 1: 5:41

That's not what I would suggest. If it were me and I were in your shoes, what I would do is just say something like Honey, when I gave you your phone, I did not realize all the dangers on it and, honestly, we should have put some parameters and boundaries in place and I totally missed that. I am so sorry. I suggest starting with an apology, because that is a way that we can just own our part in it. We're just owning our part, we missed it, and just be owning our part. We missed it, and just be vulnerable with your kids at this point and you can say but now I'm getting educated and I'm just thinking about boundaries and healthy screen guidelines that maybe we need to put in place so that we're all healthier on our technology.

Speaker 1: 6:33

You know, at Next Talk we really focus in on the no bedrooms, no bathrooms, no behind closed doors. You know, no phones at meals, that sort of thing. I would start out if I were you and we had no boundaries at all. I would maybe start out at meals first. Or the big one is, just try to get their phone out of their bedroom at night. But it can't be forced. You know, it's almost like you have to educate them on the why, and we did a story about sextortion and it's Walker's story. If you've been around for a while, you know this story. If you don't go, listen to that show. But that's a perfect example of why we don't want phones in bedrooms at night. Strangers are coming into our kids' bedrooms, accessing our kids and manipulating them. These predators are coming into their bedrooms at night through their phones and through their devices. So we want to put that safeguard in place around the phones at bedtime.

Speaker 1: 7:32

The other thing is like scientifically, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that all screens go off 30 to 60 minutes before bedtime because our brains need to decompress. We need to shut off the screen so we can get good sleep. You know, I would say to my kids all the time you know I'm not, I'm not banning the phones from your bedroom because I want to make your life miserable. I'm doing that because you need eight hours of sleep and you will be a better student and a better athlete tomorrow if you get that sleep. So in our home they would always put their phones or tablets, even when they were younger, either on the mud bench or the kitchen island. We had a designated spot where they would put them up at night and that signaled to them okay, it's bedtime now. I'll check it again in the morning.

Speaker 1: 8:24

But this is just modeling for our kids a healthy balance with screens. So I would just try and again talk to them about maybe could we do this one guideline together. And I'm going to encourage you, parents if you don't have a career where you're getting you're on call in the middle of the night, do this with them, do this with them. Get old fashioned alarms and have them in your room. And if you are keeping your phone in your bedroom at night, tell your kid okay, my phone is right by my bed. You know I have a college kid so I'm gonna need my phone by my bed in case she needs me in the middle of the night. But I tell my kid I'm not scrolling Instagram at 2 am. I'm not doing that because that's not healthy for me. And so, again, it's that team effort, this family effort of how can we have a healthier balance with screens together, let's learn together, let's implement this together and just see if your teenager is maybe open to that, trying it for a week with no phones and seeing how they do, seeing how they feel. The greatest win is when your teen can say, wow, like I really am doing better in school and on the court or, you know, on the football field because I'm getting rest, like I see the improvement, I see that I'm more positive and less tired during the day. We want our kids to feel that that's going to make them want to have a healthier balance and no screens at night more than anything. So if we can talk to our older kids like that, that's the difference we're looking for. I really hope this helps. And again, don't beat yourself up too much. We've all missed something on this journey of keeping our kids safe online.

Speaker 1: 10:11

Next question my five-year-old son went to a neighbor's house and was exposed to pornography. The little girl neighbor girl was also asking him to take off his shirt and hug her. My kid has been raised on Next Talk principles so he told me Yay. When I approached the parents, they didn't seem to even care that their girl was watching porn. How do I respond to all this? I'm at a complete loss. I cannot believe a parent believes it's acceptable for a five-year-old to watch porn.

Speaker 1: 10:49

So this is a loaded question and I think the first thing I want to say is I'm sorry, like I am so sorry, that your five-year-old was exposed to pornography. I know how that feels like being punched in the gut, like their innocence has been stolen, and I hear your mama heart coming through in this messaging. Right now I want to say listen, you have a right to all these feelings and process them with your spouse or your best friend. You must process these feelings because you're going to get bitter. That's what I did. I got bitter and then I got mad, and then I got angry and then you just feel sick to your stomach that their innocence has been taken. So I think, more than anything, I just want to say first, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1: 11:37

The second thing is I think this is a two-part question here. The first thing is you've got a five-year-old exposed to pornography, so we need to make sure he's okay. That's my biggest concern. And then the second part of this is the response to the parents, because that's a whole other situation. First, I want to say when your kid told you, how did you respond? I hope you responded. Thank you so much for telling me If you did.

Speaker 1: 12:03

You know we talk a lot about crazy parent mode here. If you did go crazy parent mode, I think it's a really great time to maybe circle back to him and remind him hey, I was not mad at you because you told me. In fact, I'm so proud of you, you did all the right things. I'm mad at a world where a five-year-old has access to pornography. That's what I was mad about. But I'm not mad at you, you did all the right things. This happened and you came and told me. And I do want to tell you I know it does not feel like a win when your kid tells you something like this, but this is a huge win that he told you Huge. Most kids would see that. Get curious, start Googling it on their own, do their own little research. And so your kid trusted you and I feel like that tells me a lot about the relationship that you have with your son and you're doing a great job, parents.

Speaker 1: 13:07

So I want to say that, first of all, the other thing is we have to kind of figure out how he's processing and what did he see and what did he think about it. Now, those are all. I threw out a bunch of questions. Don't ask your kid all those questions because that's going to overwhelm him, but we want to kind of get some context, like what is his brain processing and what's he thinking about it. So anytime that you could maybe ask those questions I have found laying down with kids at night scratching their back just in their bed is a great time to have a conversation. When you're driving, just this kid and you in the car, great time. He doesn't have to look at you, you don't have to look at him. It's a little less awkward. So find a time where you can. You're basically just asking him are you okay? Okay, Like, what are you processing? Like, what are you thinking about? Like, what did you see, Again, ask one question. Don't ask all of them, we just want to figure out what are they thinking.

Speaker 1: 14:09

One of the things that I used to say with my kids is this Anytime you go to bed at night and something's swirling in your mind that you just can't get an image or a thought out of your mind, that's the thing I need to tell you. Or a thought out of your mind, that's the thing I need to tell you. And if you can talk to him like that and say to him, when you speak it out loud, it helps get it out of your mind. And I mean this is biblical, right. Satan wants us in the darkness, satan wants us in silence, in the swirling thoughts, the thought loop. That's where Satan wants us, because then he can speak all kinds of negative things into our life, and so it really is about bringing it into the light.

Speaker 1: 14:51

So, having the conversation with your kid about you know, speak it out loud to me, and then you don't have to carry it by yourself, like I'm with you, and that will allow him, hopefully, to start processing with you. Now a word of caution no matter what he asks you or says that he saw on that screen. You can't freak out. You can't freak out. There may be tears behind closed doors with your spouse later after what he's told you because you're grieving it, but with him, really, really try to be like oh buddy, thank you so much for telling me this Do you feel better? Make it all about him. Do you feel better now that you got that out of your heart and mind and you have somebody to carry that with you?

Speaker 1: 15:36

I think that is very, very important that kids know that and then we can process our own feelings and emotions behind the scenes with our spouse. One of the reasons why I say to process your own emotions behind the scenes and not process your own emotions with your kid is this what I have found is a lot of kids won't confide in their parents, mine included because they want to protect us. They don't want to hurt us. So if they're telling us things like I saw this on a screen and we break down and we cry for 30 minutes and they have to watch that they develop this, well, I'm not going to tell her anymore because I don't want to hurt her. We don't want that. When our kids confide in us, we want it to be all about them. Thank you so much for telling me. Don't you feel better, that you got that out of your heart and out of your mind and you can share that with me and then I can carry it with you.

Speaker 1: 16:31

Be the adult in the room when your kid is confiding in you and then again process your own feelings. They're real. You're going to have to process them. You're going to walk through the stages of being angry and mad and all of the things, and so you do need a safe space to process those. I'm not saying stuff them down, but it needs to be with an adult, not with your child, because we don't want to do anything for our kids not to be able to open up to us, no matter what happens.

Speaker 1: 16:59

If your kid does start to confide in you, maybe they say what they saw on the screen and how it made them feel or what they started thinking about, something like that Make sure you don't shame your kid. Your kid needs to know, like one of the phrases, that I would made him feel a certain way and he's feeling all the emotions, and so, as he's trying to process that with you, we don't want him in any way to feel like you look at him differently, you love him less or anything like that, cause he did nothing wrong. He's literally being exposed to a broken world. So just reassure. No shame. Thank you so much for telling me I love you the same. Those are the things we want to pour over your kid. It feels awful, I know it does, but I am genuine when I say this. My kid being exposed to pornography in elementary school, it's one of the best things that's ever happened to our family. It didn't feel that way in the moment and I hated it, but it has turned our whole family around in how we communicate, because that was my moment that I realized we have to talk about all the things. So you know, I encourage you.

Speaker 1: 18:20

Deuteronomy 23, 5 says the Lord turns the intended curse into a blessing because he loves you. I want you to hold on to that. I know that this is a curse, but the Lord can do amazing things out of it. He can even use curses and horrible things that Satan throws our way. He can turn that around and make good out of it. That is the God that we serve, and so I just want to give you that hope. I mean, the most important thing is you're taking care of your kid. That's the most important thing. But I think this question is very loaded too about the parents and their response. So there's a couple of things I want to say here. It's a possibility that the parents were caught off guard and embarrassed and so maybe it came off like it was no big deal, but it is a big deal. So just take that into consideration, that that could have happened here.

Speaker 1: 19:12

The other thing I do want to say is you know, 10 years ago when I was speaking on pornography, it was not controversial at all to say like kids should not have access to porn, and I have seen a total flip side in the world on that. Is that now I get challenged on that Like why? Why? Some people actually challenge me on why is it bad? It's a form of education for our kids. I mean, the world is shifting and we need to understand that. It is now kind of controversial to say that, and I want to be clear where I stand on this.

Speaker 1: 19:45

I don't think porn is good for anyone, I don't care what your age, but especially young children who this may be their first exposure to any kind of sexual knowledge or anything like that. I think it's very, very detrimental to their developing brains. I think you have every right to have a conversation with this parent and it doesn't need to be mean or judgmental or hateful. It doesn't need to be that. You just simply need to say are you okay with your kid watching porn, or was this something that just popped up on a screen and it happened? And have that conversation. If this family believes that it's okay for a five-year-old to watch porn, you have every right to put a boundary up with your kid and that's not being mean. You can still be a good neighbor, you can still make them cookies at Christmas and take over to them, but you don't have to let your kid play in that home where they are actively watching pornography. That's not being mean. That is protecting your child. We have a job and that is to protect our children. The one thing that I see over and over again is the younger kids are exposed to porn, the more likely they have issues with boundaries, consent, child on child sexual abuse, because it's normalized the objectification, the touching, the non-consensual stuff. It's normalized in their world and so you have to have your guard up with that and that's not being mean.

Speaker 1: 21:21

I was talking to a team member about this recently and I loved what she said. She said you know, we're all so afraid of being a helicopter mom that sometimes we go the exact opposite and we're not involved where we need to be involved. We're not having the difficult conversations with other parents that we need to have to protect our kids. And I think she's exactly right. Don't get caught up in that. Of course we don't want to be a helicopter mom. Of course we want kids to be able to figure out stuff on their own, but this kid is five and he needs an advocate for himself and that is our job as parents. So it's okay to have a difficult conversation. It is okay to say they're going to parent that way. I'm not going to parent that way. This is how I'm going to parent. This is what's important to us. You have to know what your values are and what is okay for you and your family, and that's not being mean or judgmental, as long as you're not being a bully and disrespectful about it. But you can stand up for your kids and create certain boundaries when they need to be in place.

Speaker 1: 22:21

Kim and I did a show a while back called Different House, different Rules. It may be a good resource for you. I'll link it here. Also, I want you to know we have a packet that if your kid has been exposed to porn just like this question and they've confided in you, we have a packet that you can download. It walks you through certain things. It gives you resources that you can talk with your kids about.

Speaker 1: 22:45

It's very important that with pornography well, with a lot of things really instead of just saying it's bad, don't do it, that we actually educate our children on why it's bad for their brain. So talk about the objectification, talk about the research behind the rape culture, failing marriages because of porn. Talk behind about all of that research. So you have to get educated on why porn is bad and then instill that in your kids, because we're not about just saying don't do it. That's not going to work with our kids. We have to educate them on why we're not always going to be there and at some point our kids will get a choice and they can either look at it or not and they can sneak it if they want to sneak it. So again, it's really about we say this a lot parenting the heart. Why, why would you not allow this into your heart and mind, protecting your heart and mind. You have to become an advocate for yourself. That's what we want our kids to do. We want them to become an advocate for themselves, and that starts with them seeing us model that Like when they're little we're the advocate, and then, as they grow up, we teach them to be their own advocate of what they're going to allow in their heart and mind. And it's okay to create boundaries. It's okay to create boundaries around that and what you're going to allow your kids to see.

Speaker 1: 24:05

So I hope this helps and if you are out there and this has happened to you, I want you to go to our Get Help section on our website If you need prayer. You're like this happened my kid has been exposed. I'm walking through the porn packet that you gave me. I've got it. We're having the conversations, but I need someone covering me in prayer. I want you to go fill out that form.

Speaker 1: 24:30

We have literally dedicated prayer warriors who will pray for you every day and, just so you know, we give them a first name and a last initial. They're not going to know your kid's name. We're just going to say pray for Susie's daughter who got exposed to porn at the neighbor's house. That's all we're going to give them, and so if you want to fill out that form, we will have somebody dedicated praying for you as you walk your kid through this crisis. Hang in there, you can do this. God's going to give you the words and the wisdom to address this with your kid. Make a donation today at nexttalkorg. This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.