It's A Single Mom Thing
Single Mom Success Stories: Carissa's Journey of Healing and Strength As A Child of Divorce
"Not Having to Worry Anymore - we are never going back there again." - Carissa
What happens when a family survives unimaginable hardships and emerges stronger on the other side? Join us as we uncover Carissa McKnight's profound journey through abuse and trauma, and the unshakable bond that formed between her and her mother, April. Carissa's compelling narrative highlights key moments of resilience, including the unforgettable experience of sharing a single mattress with her family. This episode offers a heartfelt glimpse into the lives of single-parent families and their indomitable spirit.
Success is possible!
PASS IT ON TO THE NEXT SINGLE MOM - If you have been blessed by this podcast, sign up today with a monthly gift of any amount, click here.
SUBSCRIBE to this podcast on your favorite podcast platform.
https://shepherdsvillage.com/podcast
NEED PRAYER: Call 855-822-PRAY or click here.
INFORMATION & INSPIRATION: Shepherds Village University
It's a Single Mom Thing, Not the Single Thing That Stops You!
"Not Having to Worry Anymore - we are never going back there again." - Carissa
What happens when a family survives unimaginable hardships and emerges stronger on the other side? Join us as we uncover Carissa McKnight's profound journey through abuse and trauma, and the unshakable bond that formed between her and her mother, April. Carissa's compelling narrative highlights key moments of resilience, including the unforgettable experience of sharing a single mattress with her family. This episode offers a heartfelt glimpse into the lives of single-parent families and their indomitable spirit.
Success is possible!
PASS IT ON TO THE NEXT SINGLE MOM - If you have been blessed by this podcast, sign up today with a monthly gift of any amount, click here.
SUBSCRIBE to this podcast on your favorite podcast platform.
https://shepherdsvillage.com/podcast
NEED PRAYER: Call 855-822-PRAY or click here.
INFORMATION & INSPIRATION: Shepherds Village University
It's a Single Mom Thing, Not the Single Thing That Stops You!
Welcome to it's a Single Mom Thing, the show for single moms by single moms. This is Sherri, your host, and I'm happy you are here today. Remember it's a single mom thing and not the single thing that stops you. Welcome to another episode of it's a Single Mom Thing. So I got my guests back in the house and you're in for a treat. So sit tight and sit down in your seats and get ready for a wonderful interview with my dear friend, carissa. Okay, my friends, so you're in for a treat.
Speaker 1:We have April McKnight's daughter here. If you remember April, we had her on our show last week and we have her daughter, carissa, here Now. Carissa is one of three daughters that April has. She is her eldest daughter, and what's funny here is I met Carissa. I think she was 15 years old. It was in 2014. And we were neighbors at Shepherd's Village. If you remember, last week, you heard the story of how April and I live next door to each other, and one of the funny things that I love and remember about Carissa has nothing to do actually with Carissa's presence.
Speaker 1:It has to do with the name Carissa. I remember when they lived next door I used to hear a door slam and then I'd always hear the other two sisters yell Carissa, open the door, hear the other two sisters yell, Carissa open the door, and so that's kind of always stuck with me, as who Carissa is.
Speaker 1:So soon I'm going to introduce you to Carissa, but, carissa, I want to welcome you. You are probably we're a little out of order here, but you are number three in our single mom success stories episode that we are doing. And something that I've kind of mentioned to the single moms in all of these every week in our success stories is this thought of this Chinese proverb to know the road ahead, you have to ask the one coming back. And so for this series, that's what we're doing. We're asking the ones that have gone ahead of, the single moms that are listening right now and sharing their stories on the way back, and sharing not only their story but the success that was gleaned from that story.
Speaker 1:So your mom shared with us last week that after an 11-year marriage with your father that fell apart, she got into marriage right away, quickly, right after, as she couldn't as she said I don't know if she said it in that episode, or maybe she said it to me on the side is that she couldn't do this single thing alone. So we talked about that. And then something we also talked a lot about last week was your family's journey to Shepherd's Village listen to me and how your mom had hoped that she would never have to share her story. Well, as we know God, he's got a sense of humor and well, ever since you guys moved in, that's the only thing your mom has done is share her story.
Speaker 1:Here we are now. We're going to continue it by wrapping in your story. So I think that's funny, but we talked about a lot about her time at the village and how that just played into the story that God has for her right now as executive director. But the reason why you're here is obviously because your story is also entwined with her story and that of your family, just like for all the single moms that are listening, and so I just thought it would be a fun time to really hear your family's story and what success is like through the lens of a child of divorce.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so if you've had an opportunity to listen to or not listen to, but if you've watched any of our social media, if you've gone online, you have seen Carissa's story and you've even heard it, as we have teased that before this episode, and so we're just going to jump right in where that video started, and that was with this thought that I love. That really stood out for me, carissa, when I listened to it was that you said in the video we are never going back there again, and that was so profound, and so if you haven't watched the social media video on that, I strongly encourage you to do that, go to shepherdsvillagecom on our website, or you can even go to our Facebook page. But, carissa, if you wouldn't mind for our audience, if you wouldn't mind setting the stage of your family sleeping on one mattress, walk the audience through. What was going on in your head at that time, what was going on in your life at that time?
Speaker 2:Yeah, um. So we had recently left um where we were previously living um with the man that my mom had been married to for the past five years. We were suffering mental, some physical and emotional abuse and we didn't really know where to go. We went and we called and we talked to family members and my aunt offered for us to come and stay with her um in St Pete, florida, um, and we just kind of did what we had, that we fit in our vehicle and we shared that house with my aunt and her son and my mom and my two sisters, and every day was just kind of a question of like, what are we going to do next, where are we going to go? And I remember that was the time when my mom started looking into Shepherd's Village and kind of waiting around for an opportunity for us to come to Shepherd's Village.
Speaker 2:It was tough. It was definitely difficult for three teenage girls to be in a bathroom together every morning, on a mattress together every night. But I would say that that's probably the time when me and my mom became the closest. She didn't have any friends or anyone that she could call or talk to, so you know, at night when she was kind of alone with her thoughts. It was me, her 14-year-old daughter, who was like the one that she talked to.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you this Before you got, and I want to ask to set up the scenario a little bit further. Before you got on that mattress did I understand, were you living in your car?
Speaker 2:For yeah, it was. How long was that? That was probably. It might have been like two nights, something like that.
Speaker 2:So when we were leaving the situation that we were coming from, we were actually at a campsite and so on our way home we had we took a taxi two hours away from where we were on our campsite and we got to our home and one of my friends from high school her, and her mom met us at the house with her van and we packed up as much stuff as we could in the car as quickly as we could. We were like so afraid that this man was going to come back and find us and like we didn't want to cross paths with him, so we packed up as much as we could in her van and then we were in my mom's car, in her van, and then we were in my mom's car small car, um and yeah, I think we stayed a night with my friend and then two nights after that and then my mom was like, okay, I gotta reach out to some more people and figure out what we can do, because the aunt that we were staying with was my mom's ex-brother-in-law's now wife, so she was like not close to us whatsoever. I mean, we had a close relationship with her, but she wasn't somebody that we thought to call first. You know, it was kind of awkward to be like let me call my ex-husband's brother's wife and see if she'll let me stay with her, and it was like you have to be pretty desperate, oh yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:And my uncle, who was the owner of the house, he was in prison at that time, so like it wasn't, it was, it wasn't even really her house, like she was just kind of there and she just let us stay there. So it was like, I mean, the only reason she was staying there is because she had a child. So it was like we didn't. It was awkward.
Speaker 1:But it was better than the situation that you were in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:And so let's talk about that situation a little bit more to help our viewers kind of get really paint a picture of what was going on. So this person you left, is this your stepdad?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, he was my mom's second husband, so Okay.
Speaker 1:And how long would you? How long did you guys live with him?
Speaker 2:Um four years yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, and so tell me, paint a picture for us Like because for you guys to flee this situation, to go live on a mattress, yeah, things had to be really tough. Yeah, talk to me about what was going on at that time?
Speaker 2:So I mean, from the very beginning that I was exposed or introduced to him, I just like knew that there was something wrong. There was just like a feeling that I had and I was like I was 10 years old. So I remember like continually, like second guessing myself and being like am I just so dramatic? Like, am I just, you know, too emotional? Is this how like adult life works Like? Am I just how like adult life works Like? Am I just do I not know? Like I thought I was just naive to the situation.
Speaker 2:But as things progressed and I realized what was happening, I looked back on some of my previous experiences and I was like, okay, no, this man is like, he's evil, like he's hurtful and he's abusive. And so, from that time going forward, I was always like suspect of what was happening, screaming, throwing things, constant blame. There was no recognition of his own downfall, it was constantly my fault and there was this hyper-sexualization that he would put onto us, especially when I became a teenager, like when I turned 13,. It was like you can't take more than a five minute shower, you're not allowed to wear nail polish, you're not allowed to wear lotion, you're not allowed to wear perfume, you shouldn't straighten your hair, and it was like derogatory terms that were used to me for doing those things Normal teenage girl things, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:I mean, I think since the beginning of time, a 13-year-old girl wants to feel comfortable in her own skin, yeah, so I was like I was mad and I had no problem showing that and also going through that time. That, um, and also going through that time, there was like privileges that are given to us as people within a family unit that were just taken away. Um, I wasn't allowed to like have private conversation with my mom if we like. If I came home and I'm like, mom, can I talk to you about something? It'd be like, um, you can talk to all of us about something you cannot go in your room and go talk to your mom?
Speaker 2:no, no, like, it was like and it. And there were times, too, when I remember my mom being like no, I just need to talk to her and be like no, you're not. And then you know I did not back down on some of those things, and so I'll be honest, a lot of the times when those arguments escalated, it was because I wanted them to escalate, sometimes Because I'm like you know what. The only chance of me leaving this situation is for me to be like no, I'm 13 years old, I can shave my legs if I want to.
Speaker 1:Like you're not going to tell me and now, where is mom? Is she there while all this is going down? Yeah, or is this just between the two of you?
Speaker 2:No, she's there. I mean it was. I think that she was afraid and like didn't really know how to defend my position either, Because I mean at that time, at that time she was like a records keeper in a high school, so she made maybe twenty thousand dollars a year and it's like, how are you gonna like take care of three teenage girls on your own with making twenty thousand dollars a year?
Speaker 1:so possibly she felt trapped oh, yeah, yeah and um.
Speaker 2:So there was definitely like that power struggle and, just like you know, the rules were the rules all the time and there was never an exception to the rule. Right Like at 12, 13 years old, bedtime was eight o'clock. Eight o'clock. So like, if I I remember one time I was like, okay, it's eight o'clock, I need to go staple my um homework worksheet and put it in my backpack 801,. I'm walking over to the desk stapling my homework worksheet, he grabs the stapler out of my hand and threw it at my head and I'm like, dude, he's like it's time for bed.
Speaker 2:I'm like, oh, my goodness, like you know, I'm trying to do, I'm trying to live my life at this point as a teenage girl, you know, holding up my responsibilities at school, at home, to my friends, to my family, to my sisters, and it's like it is never, ever good enough. Nothing was ever acceptable. Nobody, like it was never said you're doing a good job, you know. And at that point, like I remember, I was trying to um, kind of within myself, understand what he might possibly be going through. And so like, um, I remember, like going to youth group one time and the pastor was talking about um.
Speaker 2:Um, a way to show people that you love them is expressing how you're putting yourself in their shoes. And he's having a conversation with me later on that night about my grades or something, how I didn't get a good grade on something and the conversation was screaming, yelling, telling me I'm not good enough, telling me, like I, you know, we ask you to do one thing. You don't do it. You know, just like, just so aggressive. And I'm, like you know, I'm really trying to show you that I love you by putting myself in your shoes and understanding why you might be upset with me right now. And his response was like well, I don't love you. So you know what. You don't need to do that, wow.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you, because you're the eldest child, do you feel like from your point of view, that you were the one that was targeted the most, or did your children, your sisters, experience the same thing?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say that we experienced different things. I mean a lot of the same. You know scenarios, but the way it was like portrayed to us differently. I would say that for me it was a lot of like emotional abuse For my sister, megan. I would say she experienced a lot of hypersexualization and, um, emily experienced some physical abuse, for sure, and that was like a lot for me because I felt like the protector. I felt like I needed to be there to like tell them how to like shield themselves and keep themselves safe. But like I didn't know how to have that conversation with like megan at the time. She was like, I mean, when I was, when we left, she was like 11 years old, so between 10 and 11 years old, when we really were feeling like the brunt of everything. Um, like, how do you tell your 10 year old sister like, hey, try not to be hypersexualized. Like you can't say that to her. Like she's in elementary school, like there's no reason why that should have been happening to her.
Speaker 1:Um, let me ask you um not to interrupt you yeah did you ever reach out to your mom? Did you ever reach out to your mom or ask for help? Did you? Know yeah or what was that like um?
Speaker 2:I don't know that I had to reach out like explain things to her, because a lot of the things that I was experiencing, she was experiencing too, okay, so she was aware of what's going on.
Speaker 1:yeah, she was just like there was. No, yeah, yeah, she was just probably in a place she didn't know what to do yeah Like there was no secret.
Speaker 2:It was not a secret at all Okay.
Speaker 1:So potentially she's also, do you think, experiencing the same trauma that you're experiencing. Is she being abused as well, potentially verbally?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, okay yeah, because I was like there was times when it's not like she just sat idly by and like didn't know what to say, or do you know. Like I could look over in a situation and see the look of fear on her face and be like, hey girl, what are we gonna do? Like you know. And she would just look at me like I don't know what to do right now, like you know, hands in the air, like I don't know how to handle this situation. I'd be like neither do.
Speaker 1:I Well and to be honest. So I mean, if you have someone that you're dealing with, if he's controlling the conversations in the same room. I mean he's controlling everything, right. So it sounds like there really was an opportunity for you guys even had time to discuss, right?
Speaker 2:That's why he fled I mean the only people who had private conversations in that house were my mom and him. Okay, like even I mean there might have been times in the middle of the night where I'd have been like, hey, megan and Emily, come to my room. I got to tell you guys something you know, hey, megan and Emily, come in my room.
Speaker 2:I got to tell you guys something you know. But other than that, like we didn't have a whole lot of time to conversate about you know what were we going to do? What you know or you know how can we handle this better?
Speaker 1:Oh, I can't imagine. So you all had to feel stuck. I can't even imagine the pressure. So when I was listening to your video, you had mentioned that you because you are older, that you would leave the house, you would look for excuses or reasons on the weekends to get away. Oh yeah, I mean. So you get away.
Speaker 2:But what about your sisters? Yeah, that was hard. So, when I was in high school, my best friend, hannah, and another friend of mine, they both had younger sisters, so and they were the same age as my youngest sister, emily. So we would try as hard as we could be like we would be begging Hannahannah's mom can we please have a sleepover, can we please have a sleepover? And, um, you know, so it would be me and hannah and gracie and emily, and we would just, um, you know, spend as much time as we possibly could together, um, doing whatever, even after school activities, anything that we could do to like hang out with them and not be home. And Megan had a best friend that lived right down the street, so you know, she was constantly looking to, you know, spend time with Alexa and, um, you know, spend the night there, hang out with her and do whatever she could. And, um, as we got more involved in church and things like that, you know I was so excited to just go to youth group, spend time with my friends, spend time, you know, with my pastor. Worse, those things started getting taken away from me because I think that he realized that that was like my safe space, which, I mean, blew my mind. I can't imagine being like your punishment is you can't go to church, right? Who does that? Yeah, okay, sure Devlin. Yeah, okay, sure Devlin, yeah, so you know, I there was a time like, especially summertime, I was at Hannah's house every single day.
Speaker 2:There was a time when we, like had all me and Hannah and Abby. We were all in the pool together and we were swimming and we were talking, and Hannah, like, had all me and Hannah and Abby. We were all in the pool together and we were swimming and we were talking and Hannah, like, made us smoothies and I'm like this is so nice, we're swimming in the pool and drinking smoothies and just being 13-year-old girls. And you know, they always asked me they're like Crystal, what are you going to do? Like we're so sorry, we just wish you could live with us.
Speaker 2:And like you know what's your mom going to do? And, um, we were like all you know, um, changing after the pool and getting ready to just hang out and watch a movie. And they're like we should make a plan. We're going to come up with a plan of a way that you guys can just escape, of a way that you guys can just escape and you know you'll never have to go back there again and like, so I mean, we would do that all the time. We'd be like okay, what can we do? To like we're either going to like make him mad so that, like, we have to leave, or, like you know, we just I mean, we, me and my girlfriends, that was our summer we would just come up with random things that would be like how can we escape it?
Speaker 1:almost I mean as I'm listening to you, I mean it almost it just sounds like something from a movie. It doesn't even sound like something that's real.
Speaker 2:But you know it is real. It feels like a movie now.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of families out there and a lot of women listening, and I hope that they share this with their kids, that this is their reality, and that's why we're talking about this, and I thank you, one for coming, because I know that this is not something too easy. That's to relive, but we don't ever want to keep the story under a rug. I mean, your story is going to help. I mean this is played around the world so who knows?
Speaker 1:where, how God's going to use this. Yeah, so okay. So let me ask you I mean, where's your family? Do you guys have family? Do you go to your dad on the weekends? Is there anybody else there for?
Speaker 2:support.
Speaker 2:So we were seeing my dad on the weekends, um, and I will say that, like a lot of our conversations surrounding that, like unfortunately we didn't get to have as many conversations with him as I wish that we would have you know surrounding this Were you close to him, cause I know that you um yes, but there was like things that he was working on in his life that were on of a constant conversation between us, like um his relationship with his um current wife now and, like you know, dealing with kind of like basically how we were spending our time together and um bringing her into the mixture of that family, and so, unfortunately, like our time was not spent having a conversation about this and I don't think that he really grasps and understands the situation at hand, not just for me and my sisters, but also for my mom. I think that it's easy as a co-parent to blame the other parent and be like, how dare you put my children in this situation? Or you know they're unsafe and be mad at that other parent. But again, we were abused because she was being abused. Yeah, if she was not being being abused, we would not have been being abused, right?
Speaker 2:So you know also, like we were just there, we were at his disposal, and so I don't think that that's something that he truly understood um being in that situation and as far as, like our other family, there wasn't really anybody else who could do something um that was in constant um connection with us. Um, the only people that live here are my dad's family, because that's why we came here. Um, so, like mom's parents weren't here, her sister wasn't here, her brother wasn't here, she didn't really have like any friends at that time. Um, you know, up until when her and her second husband got married, she had one friend, and then that friend was isolated.
Speaker 1:Afterwards, you know. Well, and I wonder too. I mean, when her and her second husband got married, she had one friend, and then that friend was isolated afterwards. Well, and I wonder too. I mean, just as I'm a mom and having gone through my own crisis too, I almost wonder if she was embarrassed. So to reach out was not an option for her.
Speaker 2:Right and.
Speaker 1:I think you even go into your story in the video you talk about this thought and I would love for you to transcend this conversation into that. It said my mom was stuck between do I want people to see my great life or do I want to have a good life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, Hearing that back to when I recently listened to the video I you know it was made to look like we had this picture perfect life, which who doesn't do that right?
Speaker 2:just go on social media like, yeah, he was our soccer coach. He literally was like involved in the church. Even today, when I met my husband and we sat down and had family dinner for the first time with his family when we were like beginning of college, he was my sister-in-law's soccer coach. So my in-laws were sitting at the table being like, oh my gosh, we never knew what happened to him, whatever happened. And then I tell them the real story and they are like what? Wow?
Speaker 1:so they don't even know.
Speaker 2:No. So it's like people that were involved in our church, people that were involved in sports with us, um it was so, um, you know what's on the outside matters and um, yeah, I think my mom was very stuck between, like, do I open up about this? Because, also, I think that being involved in a church, um that opens up to. Like am I gonna have to leave this church because people trust him more than me? Wow, or like, am I gonna? How am I gonna explain this to everybody? Like there's like this level of like embarrassment, um and you're at church of all places right, so everyone doesn't everybody have the perfect light if at church, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, and that's how we all portray it, yeah and I think there was like some level of that for each of us. But yeah, I think that she really struggled between. You know, do I open up about this or do I just keep going, because so many people believe this facade that we've put up, you know?
Speaker 1:and you make a great point and so I and I really hope that the ladies that are listening, that you really.
Speaker 1:I mean that's very profound coming from you yeah, you know, as a child who witnessed this, yeah, you know, and so what I just want to, before we go on, I just really want to give you kudos and the courage for really being here, because, thank you, you're, you're, you're speaking the words, probably that your mom couldn't speak and now you're speaking. At the time, I'm sure what I'm hearing is that you didn't felt like you had a voice at the time, but you, but you got a voice now.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:So with that from your viewpoint, okay, no, actually I want to skip that question. Okay, what do you think your mom was looking for at that time in her life?
Speaker 2:Oh boy, I think she was looking for community. I think she was looking for community. I think she was looking for understanding and financial support. I think she was looking for, you know, just not to be alone, not to feel alone, to feel like she had someone to go through life with, I mean being a, being a wife.
Speaker 2:Now I can't imagine like having children and and just not having that person to support me through raising children. I mean that is like so I can't even like wrap my head around that Because, like I mean it's one thing, like you know a baby, you know you're there for their feeding and you're like creating this routine with them and you're doing so many different things and then, like they're growing and they're learning and they're exploring things and you're watching them become this person and it's like now, all of a sudden, like you don't have anyone there to experience that with, so all the emotions that are overflowing with that stage of life and then being on top of that being like, okay, now I have to like support them and feed them and clothe them and take them to school, and like support them emotionally. Like the financial aspect of not feeling alone is so minute compared to every other aspect of it.
Speaker 1:You know like supporting a child financially is one thing, but all the other support that you have to offer them as they're growing into like people is so much greater and now compound that with a mother that I would gather, having left, you know, having been divorced, yeah, was a young mom, had three babies and then now she finds another relationship. I mean, I get it, you know, yeah, you're looking for.
Speaker 1:I mean, it was her dream as you mentioned in the last podcast, was to be a wife. That's always what she wanted to be, yeah, and she wants the best for her kids, yeah. And then now she's in a situation where she's being abused, and now her kids are being abused by someone that's not even their father. So to carry that weight while she's also trying to figure out how to provide. I can't even imagine what she was feeling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I would say even too like, especially for my mom. I feel like she had so many experiences that she just like gave to us through story, through like just you know the way that she raised us, just like teaching us things, um, showing us, especially having three girls, like showing us how to be women, and like teaching us teaching us how to be girls and growing into women.
Speaker 1:Like she had it tough finding someone who could support her through that stage of life she wasn't able to, as I'm hearing it, as I'm thinking about, she didn't have an opportunity to really be the mom she probably wanted to be yeah because now she's having to find out how you know, figure out how she's going to protect her babies.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Right, wow, I didn't even see that as a question before. Wow, okay, so I mean. So for people listening, what do you think your mom needed to hear from you at that time? Did she need to hear something from you at that time, or maybe from somebody else from you at that time, or?
Speaker 2:maybe from somebody else. I think she heard a lot of things from me at that time, right, because I wouldn't say that I was angry with her. I was never angry with her.
Speaker 2:That's great, I'm glad you said that I never felt angry at her. There were times when I felt angry at God for feeling like, okay, really, like this is who you put in her path, um, but I think that I always understood, um you know, why she did the things that she did. Um, it didn't mean that I thought they were good things, like I told her when I thought she was making a mistake or when I thought that she was doing something that she shouldn't do, and my sisters can attest to that.
Speaker 1:Now, as we've grown into adults, that's who I am Well, and I know Carissa, so she's got red hair, so that says enough, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it doesn't mean that any of the things that I said like they came with love and understanding and kindness. But you know, she always came back to me later on and apologized for those situations. But what I think she needed to hear at that time was just that she can do it at that time, was just that she can do it, that like, even though she had so many people telling her. You know, I can't tell you how many times we came back to that house and the that man said you know, well, I'm sorry and I'm never going to do it again and I'm going to change and I'm going to do this and I'm going to go to counseling and I'll go to celebrate recovery or I'll do this.
Speaker 2:And it's like can? Can you not see that? He is like such a liar. He's lied to us every time before this and when he told you that you can't do something. He's just as much a liar then than when he tried to apologize to you, you know, when he was talking down to you and telling you that you're useless or that you're scum, or that you know you can't do this without him. He is just as much a liar then than when he was being nice to you, right.
Speaker 1:And so that, I think, would be great advice for any woman who's probably finding right now herself in a tough situation and she's second guessing or having these thoughts. Well, I mean, if you're having these thoughts, they're probably right on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if that person's going to be lying to you, then seek for the truth, and the truth about who you are comes from who God says you are, not from who they say you are Right.
Speaker 1:Right says you are not from who they say you are Right, right, so, um, we're going to shut the door on that because you know, as I said, every story I mean her story has a great um, I mean, I wouldn't say it's an ending and there's a new beginning, and that really happened at Shepherd's Village. Um, we're not going to spend too much time here, because your mom did talk a lot about Shepherd's Village and that's really her story, but you know it is part of yours as well. So I do kind of want. This is where we pick up. We're never going back there again. Yeah, I love that thought. So tell me, now you're at Shepherd's Village, what did that feel like?
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:You're what? 16 years old. Now how old are?
Speaker 2:you, uh, just about 15. Yeah, oh, my gosh, relief. I remember, like so, the friends that I'd mentioned previously. You know, spending my weekends with them, spending my summers with them. They were just, I mean, a bike ride away from shepherd's village. So, um, I remember the day we moved in and it was my best friend Hannah, my friend Abby, my friend Caroline, and they all came and saw our new apartment and you know these girls all growing up in Bel Air, their whole lives, I remember, you know, during my period of time going through this time of abuse, I was constantly comparing myself to them.
Speaker 2:Going through this time of abuse, I was constantly comparing myself to them, you know, comparing myself to their beautiful homes and their happy families and everything that they had that I didn't. So for them to come in to our apartment at Shepherd's Village and be like, oh my gosh, cressa, we love your room, this is so cool, this is so cute, know, and like, um, everything that everyone did for us when we came here, you know our I mean, there are so many things that we could focus on, but what I was focused on at that point I was like, oh my gosh, my bathroom is stocked full of like aveda and like I can't wait to wash my hair. I love that well, because part of your story that you're talking about you?
Speaker 1:couldn't just be a teenage girl?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So like that's what I focused on, I could just like it was just relief. It was like, okay, like I'm literally 14 years old, like it's time to just be 14 and like not have to worry about those things you know. So like, coming in there, I was like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to wash my hair. I have this beautiful bedding and like a cute vanity. I was like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to do my makeup and get ready for homecoming and like all these things.
Speaker 2:And I was just so excited seeing that room. Having those things there for me made me realize that night, laying my head down, I'm like, okay, this is my home. Now we are never going back to that house because that place is no longer my home. Shepherd's Village is my home. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to ride my bike and I'm going to go to Hannah's house and we're going to make smoothies and lay out by the pool. Like that was just like relief of knowing that we're we're never leaving Shepard's, we're not leaving Shepard's Village and we're not going back there.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you okay so I'm going to to build on that if you can think of one word. So your mom and I have this saying that we talk about all the time that you come to Shepherd's Village, walking in one door one way, but then you leave the village out through a different door.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay so you walked in the door. What If there was one word? You walked in the door, what? What was that feeling, experience from where you came from the mattress?
Speaker 2:I think I was apprehensive, apprehensive I didn't see that from this, from where you came, from the mattress. I think I was apprehensive, apprehensive. Yeah, like I was like at first, you know, before, like I remember, on the day that we moved in, because, um, our whole unit had been redone for us and everything, and so I was kind of like, okay, until I see that this is really for me, I don't know, because there were so many times where we had made the choice to leave and then we came right back. So I'm like, okay, I need to know that, I know that, I know that, like, this is gonna be my home. And also I was a little bit nervous of, like, kind of what was to come after those first few days.
Speaker 2:Like, um, you know, my mom wanted us to go to celebrate recovery, she wanted us to um seek counseling and these different things.
Speaker 2:And I was like, you know, mom, I, I, just I, I want to lean to my relationship with the Lord at that time, because I was feeling like I had prayed for so much and he finally listened to me and I don't know if it was the way that he kind of moved in the spirit with me.
Speaker 2:You know talking about those first times during their relationship to the end of it, how he kind of like moved within me. If it was just kind of like okay, you're good, like you're taken care of, you know now, like become who god wants you to be. Like I think for my sisters they had a lot of like dealing with the trauma and the experiences that they had and for me I was just like that's not who I am, you know, and like I'm not going to be defined by that and like honestly, I don't. I don't need to have more conversations about that. I'll tell my story and about how God moved, but like I'm not going to give of my time to, you know, re-talk about all the things that the wrong choices that he made.
Speaker 1:Right, you know it sounds like I mean what you did. You put the past behind you.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:It was there and you were ready to grow and go. Yeah. So then you walked out the door. Who, what, what was that one word? You walked out the door.
Speaker 2:You were apprehensive, coming in walking. I would say strong, strong. Yeah, I was strong in who I was and strong and what I believed, strong in my decision making. I will say that there, there were times after that where like that was definitely tested, but it was a short, short period of time of me doing anything that god didn't call me to.
Speaker 1:So what was it? Okay, so let me ask you this so what was it about the village or your experience at the village that had you walk out strong?
Speaker 2:Um, I would just say the moms, the women that were like surrounding us, not even women that directly affected me, but that affected my mom, like it made me realize that that's who I want to be, as like a grown woman that like goes around other women, teaches them like goodness and kindness and graciousness and lovingness, and just like showing them how to be all the things that God calls us to be, while being someone that is like strong and courageous and like stands up for others and just you know, just like what you would think a strong woman would be.
Speaker 1:And now let's just get this straight though these women were there for a reason they had crisis, they were going through their own situation. Yeah, so you're saying that they were strong, even though that they were weak at the time?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that, you know, I can think of like three women at the time, um, you know, and all three of them and their weaknesses together were like one strong mom that could, like raise all the people at the village. You know what I mean. Like it's like, okay, you take a group of all these women that are just like broken down and feel like they don't you know, they might think I have nothing to offer or I have nothing to bring to the table and it's like those women coming together, it created like just the strong you know woman of the village. Like the woman of the village is the spirit of all of these moms. I love that.
Speaker 2:Okay, go on, yeah, okay. But like I feel like seeing that is what raised me, that is what raised me, Like that is what taught me how to be like a strong woman, a strong leader, a strong wife, a caretaker, you know, someone that's gracious and understanding and loving and kind and considerate of others and like stands up when something's wrong. Like I just feel like that is what raised me and taught me to be a woman of God.
Speaker 1:You know what your mom and I call that what we call that community.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's something that we you know, your mom and I, now that we have the privilege to work the village, that is something that is really at the core of our heart, because it was at the core of our journey. There was community and what I love that you're sharing. I mean, these are women by no means. They probably have a story that is as profound as your mom's and your family's story, and if not greater, and a greater hurt. But they showed love, they showed kindness and, you know, one of the things that I love about the village is is that it doesn't just impact. We always have the saying, too, that it touches two generations at a time. Yeah, your mom's life wasn't just changed, your life was changed. Oh, yeah, you're, you are always, still the spicy, red-headed carissa I've always known screaming at the wall, through the walls, at yeah, but you are more, you are equipped.
Speaker 1:You know, and that's the other thing too we say at the village is we want to give moms a hand up, not a handout, and we're there to equip them, not to enable them. And what I love about that, whether you live at the village or not, I mean your kids are watching, I mean, and you were watching and you were soaking it all in and you had soaked in everything that you learned from that mattress. But then you learned something that God was doing, and I think that was key too at the village, and now you've taken that out into your own life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah for sure.
Speaker 1:So we talked about your mom, what she didn't get. We were clear on that in that, um, that five-year relationship with your stepdad. What she didn't get, what do you think she got from the village?
Speaker 2:Oh, a lot. I think that she got confidence first of all. I mean confidence more than anything. The woman that she was before had almost no self-esteem and no confidence and from the moment she stepped into the village it was like instant confidence boost. Instantly she was told the things that she could do and the things that she could accomplish. And I would say that's one thing that she could accomplish and I would say that's one thing. I mean that's the number one thing that has equipped her after the village to do all that she's done is her is confidence, even, like you know, moving forward.
Speaker 2:She's asking herself now, like what can I do next? And there's times when she's like I don't know if I can do that. You know, I'm not really sure. I feel like nobody would like that or nobody would listen to it, or nobody would read it or nobody would, you know, want to hear my story. And I'm like, girl, what about the confidence that Shepherd's Village gave you? You're wrong, you can do it. Shepherd's village gave you. You're you're wrong, you can do it. She's already done it Right and you can do more if you want. You know, like whatever you, whatever you know, comes up in your little brain that God gives you, you know, pull back into that confidence that the village gave you that whole, that first day, and be like that's right, I can.
Speaker 1:That's right. Okay, so here's because you are a child of divorce and I also wanna pour into the moms that maybe can now pour into their kids. Before we segue into our final topic of our episode and our conversation, I want you to close with this thought in this segment of what advice would you have for children who are now in your shoes that you once wore?
Speaker 2:I would say that it's easy to blame the adults in the situation because we expect, we have expectations that they should have protected us or kept us from experiencing those things. But I would say that a lot of times, the adults in this situation are growing up just as much as we are and that what you might be experiencing for the first time, they also may be experiencing for the first time. Experiencing for the first time they also may be experiencing for the first time. So you know how you think that you would deal with it. Um, doesn't mean that that's how they are going to feel to deal with it. Because, again, understanding and you know, protect yourself by talking to the adults around you, trusted adults, whether it be, you know, a trusted friend. You know, do what you need to do to feel solitude, to feel safe, but don't feel anger, Don't allow yourself to just project blame.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that because what I hear from that, I mean first of all, you hit on one of my favorite words and that's grace. I mean how profound is that your mom needs to hear that. Yeah, and the kids need to hear that, Grace I mean no one's perfect, and, my goodness, we're all dealing with something, and isn't that what the Lord Jesus showed us was?
Speaker 1:grace I mean we're a hot mess and we're sheep, we're messy. That's one of the funny things your mom and I like to say all the time too. We're sheep, we're messy. That's one of the funny things your mom and I like to say all the time too. And man, he showed us grace. And to be able to extend that, and be able to extend that to your mom and to be there's such power in that, and to be able to to really do that and not hold it over her head.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how many families out there possibly you listening are holding something over a family member's head when they were just doing the best that they could at that time with what they had? Yeah, I mean, what a generational curse could be broken and what power could be in the family if you just did that one thing extend grace, and maybe it starts with the young child in the family being the first person to do that.
Speaker 1:So, kudos to you, wow. Okay, so we're going to close with this last segment, that's. I don't know how I topped that, but here we go, we're going to close with single mom success. So let me ask you, um, where you've already answered some of my questions, so I'm going to jump to this question. As someone who was raised by a single mom, I'm curious in what ways do you believe the dynamic of being raised by a single mom has shaped your relationship with others, both personally and professionally? Because you are, how old, are you now? 24. Okay, so there's been some time, has elapsed yeah.
Speaker 1:You've grown up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, man, as a last, yeah, you've grown up. Yeah, um, oh man, I mean I would say that being raised by a single mom gave me experiences that most people that I grew up around did not have. Um, you know, like shepherd's village being located where it is and my friends being in this neighborhood. You know, most of my friends came from two-parent households where their dads were like finance guys, you know. So, stability yeah, there was stability. There was, like you never went without. You know, and I see that too, like with my husband, when me and my husband first got married he also is from Bel Air, also grew up in a two-parent household with a lot of stability, went to private school and you know, when we first got married, I remember like I would make the budget and I'd be like, okay, we have $200 for groceries and we would spend our $200 for groceries. And he'd be like, okay, we have $200 for groceries and we would spend our $200 for groceries. And he'd be like, oh, I forgot to get peanut butter. I'd be like, well, you know what? I'm sorry you don't get to have peanut butter this week. Right, like you know what, because that's how I was raised. Yeah, like there was no, there wasn't a lot of wiggle room. There wasn't a lot of wiggle room. There was just what we had and that was all.
Speaker 2:I think how that goes into how I am emotionally, sometimes I don't have a lot of understanding for, you know, the outside things. I'm kind of just like you know, this is how it is. But I will say that, with that too, my experiences have taught me how to adapt and be understanding and like kind of come to a conversation with an open mind, because I never want to be that person who is just closed off and doesn't want to explore other ideas or scenarios or how to deal with things. So I would say that it's made me very open to others and other people's experiences. But also it kind of gives me some of that edge where I'm like you know what, this is how we do things. I love that Because you do what you got to do and I think it's made me resilient to a lot of things, to a lot of experiences, you know.
Speaker 1:I love that you say that, because I find that my son says the same thing. I think there's a in the last podcast. I did a podcast on grit and you know, single moms have grits, but you know, I didn't really think about that. The kids have grits too. Not grits, not the kind you eat. You have grit. Yeah, I mean meaning like you have this chutzpah, like you're going to make it happen, but you make it happen with what you have in front of you. And one of the other things that your mom and I like to say too is that and this I've noticed to be true with single moms is that you learn how to resource your resources.
Speaker 1:You learn how to make things happen Right, and I've seen it in your own business. I mean she's had a business as well. She's a wedding planner, maybe own business, I mean she's had a business as well.
Speaker 2:She's a wedding planner.
Speaker 1:Maybe you can hit me up later and we can figure out how to get married. We can help sister out plan your wedding, but you make things happen. Yeah, you know where I think other people like the way I like to say it is is that you make life happen. Instead of life happen to you, you're making life happen for you, right. Yeah, there's that edge that I do think. If they can see it, that children of divorce see that they have a one-up, I do believe. On kids, oh, I agree given everything.
Speaker 2:it's so important. I mean like, yeah, I I say even in my own marriage again, like how my husband was raised versus how I was raised. Know, like what you said about resourcing your resources, children that have grown up in some of those areas where, like they have that great stability, like that's wonderful for them and I'm sure that's really nice. But you know, but you know they have those resources readily available to them, so much that when it comes time later on in life when that resource might not be right in front of them, learning how to resource your resources is a hard pill to swallow and it's a hard thing to do on your own. So, you know, I consider myself lucky to have a mom who showed me how to resource her resources, because the way that things are now like, I'm glad that I know how to do that.
Speaker 1:And see and I define. That's how I define success and I'm glad that that's where we got. I just was totally not part of what I planned for us to talk about, but that's how. That's kind of part of one of the things I want to come out of this. And you know, success isn't necessarily how the world has defined it, by having certain number zeros in your bank account or you have a husband and you have a wife. I mean nothing wrong with husbands. We you know, that's we appreciate them.
Speaker 1:Yes, but? But this picture. I feel like like life has painted this dream that you should have this house and you should have a white picket fence and this amount of money in your bank account. Well, I don't know, as a kid of divorce, you didn't have that.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, and so I feel like that dream is really what I like to call. That's a pipe dream. Yeah, you know, and so here, success is man. At your age, you have learned a valuable lesson that for me, you know I'm older we won't say how much I'm older and I'm now, I would say, within the last 10 years, having learned things that you at your age already know that kids, or I say young adults your age may never learn.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's success.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, wow, okay. So, going off with that, we're going to, we're going to be wrapping up here soon, but there's a few more questions I have and a little treat um at the end. So, cause I love that you talked about grace. I would really like to um expound on this thought of grateful. What are you grateful for in this whole experience?
Speaker 2:Man. I'm grateful for understanding that, like my experiences are a big part of me, but they don't define me. I'm grateful for Shepherd's Village. I'm so grateful for my time spent here. I mean, honestly, I wish I could live here today. I wish I could still live here because the community is more than anyone could ever ask for and I don't know just the culture of Shepherd's Village. I love the culture of Shepherd's Village and everything that it is, and I'm grateful for my mom and you know I'm grateful for our relationship. I'm grateful that you know when I became her best friend at 14,. I'm still her best friend at 24. Best friend at 14. I'm still her best friend at 24. And I'm grateful that we've been able to build that now that I'm no longer, that she's no longer like parenting me, and I'm grateful for my sisters and the life that they've built. I'm proud of them, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's a good answer. So, for my surprise, okay, so well, she knows, but you guys don't know, because you can't see where we're at as we close out our time together. I have, um, carissa's mom here, and so April has been sitting here, um, listening to all of this, and so, april, if you could say, hi, hello, okay. So, april, I have to ask you, as you're hearing about your family story from the lens of Carissa's perspective, tell us, is there anything that you learned that maybe you didn't know before? Or perhaps is there anything that you can use to support the single moms listening, yeah?
Speaker 3:I think the biggest thing that kind of surprised me about Carissa's you know responses was that that she understood that I was stuck. I think in this situation I didn't maybe think that my kids understood how stuck I felt. I did feel like I was letting them down and that there was some blame. And so to hear her say that she wasn't angry with me and blame me was really heartfelt. You know, and you know we've already healed so many of those wounds from that many years ago.
Speaker 3:But just to hear it is touching. But it also makes me think too and remember that if there are moms that are walking through these abusive situations, they've made a choice to get in a relationship too soon or stay too long. That to come alongside your kids and to whisper in their ears that you love them and that you're stuck, be honest with them. You know, carissa and I didn't have that real conversation until we'd left the situation and I was already experiencing some healing and celebrate recovery. And even then, as a 14 year old, you know she said it in her own way, but it, you know, letting your kids know that you love them and that you're just trying to do the right thing, and even if you don't know what the right thing is, just having that brief conversation, if you can, with them, well, I think that's very profound, because how many, how many times as parents do we think that we should always have the right answer, and how many times do our kids look to us for the answer?
Speaker 1:I mean, sometimes, as an adult I mean, I know, raising my son there were a lot of times I didn't have an answer for a question that he was asking, so I love that you expounded on that. So, before we close our time together, I was hoping, carissa, as we wrap up, what do you want to thank your mom for? Is there anything while you have your mom here? I mean, I know you guys have already had this conversation, but you know what this is new to everybody listening, and maybe what's even new is this whole time of just spending this time together to reflect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say thank you for just choosing us.
Speaker 1:Thank you for, um you know, choosing to put yourself and our family first so, as we closed our time together, I mean I, if you guys aren't totally bawling over there, I mean come on.
Speaker 2:That was really good.
Speaker 1:I just want to be of encouragement. I mean, shepherds Village is something that is here in the Tampa Bay area, and the actual residential program is accessible to residents that live in this area. But the community that Shepherds Village offers is everywhere, and what I mean by that is we have all kinds of online streaming resources for you, whether it's our university, our blog, this podcast. If you do live in the Tampa Bay area, we even have a. It's a Single Mom Thing class.
Speaker 1:You've heard me talk about this before, and this is a safe place where single moms like you can come and can be in. What you heard, what April and I found at Shepherd's Village, and that's community. You know, just because it's a solo journey doesn't mean that you have to be alone, and if you choose to stay alone, that's your choice. But if you want to be a part of community, if you want to be a part of life change, if you want to do something different for your family or work out what's not working for your family, then you need to come, and it's the Single Mom Thing class meets the second and fourth Tuesday of every month. You can go to shepherdsvillagecom forward slash classes for more information. It is free, there's no charge to you. We even feed you and your kids, and we just don't just feed you in the belly, we feed you with the word of God, and that's truly what you need and that truly, I believe, would you agree. Carissa is ultimately the success of all this. Is he the real hero of this whole story?
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, for sure, couldn't have done it without him Exactly, and I know April would agree with me too. I mean, that's truly where life changes come about, and so if you need prayer, call us at 855-822-PRAY. We're here for you day or night. Have a wonderful week and remember it's a single mom thing and not the single thing that stops you. Thanks for listening to. It's a Single Mom Thing. I hope you enjoyed our time together. If you have more questions on how to have a relationship with Jesus or need prayer, visit us at wwwshepherdsvillagecom. Backslash prayer. For more information and resources, check out our show notes.