Dating After Divorce and With Increased Self Worth

In this solo episode I am sharing 8 ways that I'm approaching dating differently these days. If you're wondering about finding love after divorce or what it means to date from a place of increased self worth as well then tune in! 

Related episodes:
How to Define Your Personal Core Values

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

You're listening to The Self-Worth Edit, the podcast inspiring South Asian women and beyond to quit playing small and start trusting the power and wisdom within. Join me, No Shine, on Mondays as I share insightful conversations, tips for healthier ways of thinking, and lessons in healing our relationships with ourselves. Thanks for tuning in to the Self-Worth Edit. Here we go.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Hello, hello, welcome back, or welcome for the first time to the Self-Worth Edit podcast. Today's episode topic seemed a good one to follow up the conversation we had in the last episode with Aperna Sheikh Ramani, author and star of Indian matchmaking. Have you listened to that episode yet? If not, go listen. It's a good one. In that episode, we talked a bit about Aperna's dating mindset. And in today's episode, I'm sharing my own. That is, how I'm dating differently and really approaching all relationships in my life, friendships, work, family, and romantic differently after my divorce and with my increased sense of self-worth. But first, some podcast housekeeping items. Before I get too far into this episode, I just need to say I don't know what the sound quality on this one will be like. I don't know what kind of background noise you're going to get. I'm recording this one from my Airbnb in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. And it's loud out there. I've got birds, I've got dogs, I've got random roosters, I have got construction going on. So please bear with me. Next, did you hear that you can now leave ratings for your favorite podcasts in Spotify? If you're listening to this episode on Spotify, please pull up the show and right under the show logo on the left-hand side, you'll see where to leave a five-star rating. Please go ahead and do that. It will only take you a few seconds and will help others find and hopefully benefit from the show. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, please also leave a five-star rating and review to support the show. And then wherever you are, Spotify, Apple, any other platform, go ahead and hit subscribe so you get alerts anytime there's a new episode and never miss one. Thank you so much. Oh wait, one more thing. This season I'm sharing a unique journal prompt with each newsletter to help you reflect on and apply lessons from each episode to your own life. So sign up at the link in the show notes and take your listening to the next level. Okay, should we get into this episode? Let's do it. I'm sharing these observations of shifts in my approach to dating and all relationships in my life, but dating specifically because I've noticed that dating is more fun as a result of these changes. It took me way too long to get to this point, so take notes and I hope this helps you or send this episode to a friend who might benefit from any of these tips or lessons. The first way that I'm approaching dating differently is now knowing myself better and not changing who I am. A big part of this comes from the intentional grounding I did and getting to know myself through living alone and through exercises around my personal core values. If you've not listened to that episode, I'm going to link it in the show notes. It's the episode on how to define and identify your personal core values. And there's a guided worksheet that goes along with it to help you do this for yourself. For me, now when I'm dating, if it's not a fit, it's not a fit. Because I'm more grounded in my personal core values and who I am as a person. What's most important to me, what principles I want to live my life by, this increased clarity and grounding helps me make better dating decisions. And before I even continue on with the rest of the lessons, I want to acknowledge that some of you listening to this may think, well, duh, that's a very basic dating norm or philosophy. And I want to say this is from the perspective of someone who has spent a lot of life living with a very low self-worth mindset. And so these lessons that I'm sharing are new lessons for me that I have learned and embodied and finally put into practice as a result of actively increasing my self-worth over the last few years. And even if some of the ideas I had heard them before, I wasn't living by them. I didn't really know how to live by them. And I might not even have realized that I wasn't living by them at the time. I don't know why I'm telling you this. It's all just context, so you know where to put this advice and these lessons. I am not going on a million dates every month. I am currently taking a break. Um and as I have been dating, and as I do meet people, and as I do have my moments of energy around the apps and just meeting people in general, these are the principles that I'm really trying to live by more and more, and that I have found serve me. Okay, tangent over. Lesson two is related to the first one. The second way I'm approaching dating differently these days is I am now way, way, way, way less nervous when I go on dates. Because I'm not seeking any kind of validation when I meet someone new now. I'm not trying to prove anything to be any kind of way or perceived as any kind of way. I'm just being who I am. And going into dates, trying to get to know the other person as they are. I used to get so unbelievably uncomfortably nervous before going on a date, and I've noticed that recently that nervousness has almost completely faded away as a result of this shift. Okay, moving on to the third way I'm approaching dating differently, and this is a big one. This is a big one. I'm no longer betting on potential. Not theirs, not mine, not ours. I'm not expecting or hoping for or wasting time waiting for drastic changes to occur in another person or in myself to then create the ideal relationship. Where are you at now? Where am I at now? If nothing major changes, are we good with each other's current versions and what we each bring to the table? Of course, people change, and I want to be with someone who will continue to evolve as I'm committed to my continued evolution and growth. And I'm not going to anchor all my hopes on that supposed future or evolved version of myself or the other person. Let's be great for each other now and then get better together. But if I find myself thinking, oh, everything would be right if XYZ. And if I'm banking on some big change and I'm not good with what is, then I'm out. And my being clear on where I'm at and who I am in the present and communicating that assuredly gives the other person the ability to make similar choices. Next, I'm trusting actions and behaviors over words. This is not an easy one for me because my top love language is words of affirmation. I'm all about the right words at the right time, and words are not enough. I almost don't believe it myself still as I say it because I so believe in the power and magic of words, and they carry a lot of weight with me, and they really need to be backed by actions and behaviors that are consistent with them. Another huge shift in how I approach dating after my divorce is I'm no longer dating with marriage in mind. I want to like sing as I say this one because it makes me feel so free. Hallelujah. Truthfully, truthfully, I don't know if I will ever get remarried. I don't know if that's something I want. I don't feel like it's something I need anymore. I would like a partner in life. That is something that is important to me. But the marriage piece, I'm just sort of open. Let's see what happens. But this, along with what I shared in my last solo episode on the five huge shifts in perspective about not necessarily wanting kids, has really allowed me to take a lot of the pressure off around dating. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dating with intention and focus because I know I would like a serious relationship and partner. But I don't feel rushed to the altar now. And this brings me a lot of peace and allows me to operate completely differently in my dating life. All right, number six, I'm letting go with more ease as soon as I recognize it's not a fit with someone. Historically, I have a pattern of holding on for way longer than I should to relationships and situations well past their expiration dates. And this has brought me a lot of grief and struggle and what feels like wasted time, even though it wasn't, because I learned from it, but also, yes, it was a bit of a waste of my time and energy and youth. I could have learned my lessons quicker. So, no more of that. I have become much more ruthless in not only my romantic, but also all relationships that I find aren't a good fit or are unhealthy. And this is one I can measure. I can measure how long it takes me to let go and move on with intention, and I'm pretty proud of myself for how far I've come on this one in recent months. This next one is still tricky for me, but I'm working on it. I'm dating differently by being open to dating multiple people, and rather, I should say, getting to know multiple people at the same time. In the past, my tendency has been to get really loyal and committed really quickly. I've typically been a relationship person, so it's really easy for me to fall into that. And I'm challenging myself to just meet a lot of people and not get too overly invested in any one person too soon. And especially not without an explicit conversation to ensure we're on the same page. Finally, I added this one in later, and I'm still, even as I'm saying this aloud, wondering if I want to leave this in to this part of the episode. But you know what? I think I'm going to do it because it speaks to me a lot about receiving and self-worth and is present in a lot of aspects of my life. We've talked about it before. Okay, No Shine, what is it? You're beating around the bush. Okay, so finally, a big way I'm dating differently is by letting them pay. I used to feel so awkward about this, but honestly, and I know this can be a controversial topic, I prefer the man who has asked me out on a date to pay for the date. I will still offer, but I won't insist. And I also won't always offer. I'm trying to, I'm trying different things here. If he wants to split the bill or if I need to pay, I will, I can. I'm grateful that I'm able to do that. But there may not be a second date. This isn't something I'm following a thousand percent to a T yet because also salaries as you try to date around the world get tricky. People earn different amounts for different jobs around the world compared to where I work. My job is based in the US. But the focus on this for me is being able to receive and being able to be in my feminine energy. This can look so many different ways. I appreciate when the person I'm going out with makes firm plans, leads the way, handles the logistics, and that includes the bill, and lets me just flow and follow. I do a lot of leading, I do a lot of operating in my masculine energy both at work and in my day-to-day life as the person who always has my own back, and it can be exhausting as much as it can feel empowering. So when I find opportunities to be in my feminine energy in the receiving and feeling mode rather than the planning and acting mode, I take that as a really good sign. I also do believe in the attraction and compatibility that the polarity of those energies gives rise to, the masculine and feminine. So I'm practicing, I'm learning more about this. There's a lot here in this one to talk about, and this is pretty high level because it's newer to me. But it's definitely one way I'm dating differently. And there you have it. None of this is perfect or complete because, well, I'm still living it, but it's where I'm at at this moment in my dating life. And honestly, this is one I polled on Instagram that a lot of you wanted to hear, and that I have been feeling a little bit anxious about sharing because it still feels so personal. And I feel a little bit exposed. And also because, again, like I said, I don't, I'm not able to always do all of these perfectly still. You know, attraction gets in the way, feelings get in the way and can cloud your mind, and I'm no exception to that. And and and I am always focused on how do I operate from a place of really loving myself, really caring for my present and future self, making decisions that are in the best interest of my self-worth. And we'll see. It's it's a journey, it's a process, and I am a work in process and in progress. Remember, we have a new episode every other week. To stay in touch in between episodes, come follow at the Self Worth Edit on Instagram and sign up for the newsletter using the link in the show notes. Until next time, bye.