Katie Chonacas | Loss of Innocence & Lessons Along the Way

Katie speaks up, for the first time publicly, about a moment that wrote on the slate of how she would show up in the world moving forward.

Follow along, as Katie shares how the very decision to speak up alone, has helped her to begin to heal years and years of emotional dis-ease. It takes an incredible amount of courage to speak about our trauma, and also, for the first time in this very public way.

As you listen, please send Katie some energetic love, and perhaps, by the end, you'll come to the same conclusion as Katie; we can't heal what we don't acknowledge. And, we can't heal what we're unwilling to allow ourselves to feel.

Through reflecting on her life, she's also been able to connect the dots of what happened to her, to certain behaviors and beliefs as she got older and the body of work she would create as an actress, voice-over, music creator, and artist.

It is my hope that this episode inspires courage, and also, that this message reaches teen girls and boys. As parents, we must have open communication about what "No" means, what boundaries are, how to protect oneself, the importance of a friend "buddy system," etc. And, open communication also helps your kids know that, as their parent (or even mentor), you're a safe person with whom to share these kinds of experiences. I'll talk more about this in the Takeaways & Reflections episode (episode 27).

In the meantime, listen with care, and then go have a much-needed convo with your teen, if you're a parent/mentor/guardian. And, if you haven't established a level of trust and safety, now's the time to start!


Resources Mentioned:

• Grief Recovery

Connect with Katie: 

• Website
• The Sophisticated Psychos YouTube
• Instagram

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.

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Transcript

Victoria Volk  00:00
Welcome to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Katie Chonacas. And she will be speaking to us today about her experience being raped, and adolescent. Katie, welcome to the podcast.

Katie Chonacas  00:18
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Victoria, I appreciate you.

Victoria Volk  00:21
Thank you for being here. Introduce yourself, where are you from? How did you get to? What made you decide that you wanted to speak today?

Katie Chonacas  00:34
Sure. Um, so originally, my family is Greek. I'm from Michigan, I come from a big Greek family. And, you know, my little girl dreams and desires was always to go to California and be involved in the entertainment industry on so many different platforms. And so now I'm by Coastal, I live in Los Angeles and New York City. And because of what's happening in the world, right now, we can literally be anywhere in the world. So I've actually, I drove home to Detroit. And I'm here now, for a little while, and I've been reflecting in It's wild, because right now we're in 2020. And just came to me this past week that we're in 2020. And I left home in pursuit of those blueprints 20 years ago. So it's a full, full circle of two decades. And now I can, you know, look at the blueprint that I designed and created look at the experiences that I've had thus far with travel with my career, modeling, acting music, you know, every which way and in the arts, and kind of turn over a new leaf as a young adult, and just really look at, you know, my circumstances as a child, through that lens, the journey thus far, kind of reflecting closing on that chapter, and just planting new seeds to create a new blueprint from a young adult lens with the experience that I've had, and, you know, forward to the next two decades.

Victoria Volk  02:06
I love how you describe that new blueprint. So, would you take us back to the first blueprint?

Katie Chonacas  02:17
Sure. Sure. Well, thank you for holding the space and having me on to share. I've been in isolation about it for so many years, and I've been in isolation, a lot of times, and I listened to some of your podcast episodes, and I love the six myths. And one is, you know, when you try to go isolate, or go to a closet, or go to your room and do it alone, and, and, you know, we're taught these things. And, yeah, I feel like I was that as well, like, go to your room. Or if you're, you know, your baby, or, you know, go to your room and, or you're grounded, like you're crying, it's like, go to your room. And it's like, even now, like, if I'm crying, it's like, you know, you're almost edited out, like, you’re crying. It's like, God put an age on crying. You know, I'm an empath. I'm an artist, I'm very sensitive. And, yeah, so anyhow, my, my experience was, I was 14 years old, and I was in high school, I was a freshman in high school, and I was on the cross-country team, and I was at a public school, a great, you know, public school. And, and, basically, I had cross country practice. And when we had cross country practice, the boy’s locker room was to the left, and the girl’s locker room was on the right, and we, you know, we had practice at the same time. So, when we went out to run the boys were, you know, on the football field warming up, and we would be going for our warmup, and we would do our run, and we would come back. And when we're coming back, the boys would be finishing up and then you know, we would all be in our lockers. And then, you know, after you change and take a shower, and everything, we kind of all got out at the same time. And there were the side doors to, you know, be picked up from your parents or walk home or ride a bike or however you come and go from school, right? And there was this one boy, and he fancied me and it was at the beginning of freshman year. And there was like cutesy stuff back and forth. You know, you know, you're you're 14 years old, and you're like, Oh, you know, and you're getting attention from a boy and he's hot and he's like, maybe the captain of the football team or in my mind, he was or, you know, that's the fantasy of it, right? Or, I don't know, and, and he walked me to my locker, you know, like, walk me to my locker to get something like a book or something that I needed to take home but it was, you know, to spend the moment spend the time in a safe space at a public school, right, just to go to your locker, to go through the school to get to the locker and then I Close the locker door, and he puts his varsity jacket on me. And he looked at me and he, you know, asked me to be as girl like, he wanted me to be as girl now, right? And I was just like, you know, he's taller than me, I was looking at it. And I felt special, you know, you feel that feeling. And so, we're walking back and the bathroom before, you know, we pass all the trophies in the lunchroom to get back to the lockers, he pushed me into the girl’s bathroom, he pushed me into the girls bathroom. And like, he just started like, you know, kissing me and groping me, and I'm just like, I'm like, whoa, and I'm just kind of like, later, like kissing him and going with it. And I'm just like, Okay, and then like, it's like, it happened so fast, it was just like, a couple seconds. And then and then he's and then he like, pushes me to the handicap bathroom to the last stall, which was, you know, the biggest stall, which was the handicapped bathroom. And sidebar, I feel like that's caused a lot of psychological mental trauma on my mind, that we can discuss later if we come back around to it. But he basically just, like, pushes me on the ground, and like, starts, you know, obviously, like, just doing what he needs to do really quick. I mean, kids move fast. So it was like, it was like a fast thing. And I'm like, No, and I'm like, No, and I'm like, pushing, and he's, like, big, and he's a football player. Right? And he's, like, bigger than me. So I'm, like, pushing him off me. And I'm just like, no, in my head is like hitting the concrete on, you know, on the, on the wall. And, and so like, you know, it's like, he was just on me, I mean, it's just like, habit, and who's just like, then it was just, like, done, it was like, quick, and, and so like, that was it. And, and I like went home, and I was like, in so much pain, and I was bleeding. And it was like, in my upstairs bathroom, which is right here. And, you know, I'm like, in pain, right? And, and that night, it was it was a Friday it because it was the first it was the first it was the first homecoming game of my freshman year, in high school, I started off my freshman year in high school. And it was the first home game and I remember like; I must have gotten dropped off. And I was by myself. And I remember just like walking, and you pass like, you know, you arrive if you pass all the bleachers. And like all the like, popular cool kids or whatever, you know, they're like, at the very end, like in like, the very end you like walk pack all will be reshares. And so I'm like, and then like there's like, you know, like five or seven of my girlfriends who are like, you know, my girlfriend's, and I'm going, and I'm like, I'm walking up and I'm walking up towards them. And there was this one girl. And they were they were they were boyfriend girlfriend, but they broke up. And, and she, she just like she just like, glared at me. She does, she does glare, she just glared at me. I was 14 years old, these were my girlfriend's One moment. And then the next moment, none of them are my friend, they all took her side, they were all silent to me, she glared at me. And in that moment, and on that day, not only was I raped, I was taken advantage of, but I was shamed and blamed by females and I and I took it on. And I took on that responsibility of being blamed and being shamed and feeling so small and so invisible, like it was my fault. You know. And so that was, that was the beginning of my freshman year, happened on Friday. And I ended up sitting up top, because on the other, another person, they probably like, run off and cry or something, I don't know. But like I, I just went like a couple bleachers above and, like sat there, and I just sat there, and I sat there through the whole game, but, and I remember being able to, like, sit there, but I was like, numb and just felt very paralyzed. And I feel like a lot of times I've been able to freeze and be in situations and just kind of like, take it you know, and just sit there and in, in whatever the abuse was and just like sit there and because I have strength and strong will and and I'm just like present in there, but it was very, you know, diminishing and, and like I said I was I was 14 years old. So, it, it was a lot. It was a lot for one person in one day that that really you know, shape shifted. Some of the choices that I've made and some of the behavioral patterns and some of the things of how I've been how I've been you know my life thus far.

Victoria Volk  09:56
I'm so sorry that happened to you I felt my own body tense up as you were talking. I have my own stories. This one is about yours. I've heard. So I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you. I know it's a really difficult thing to navigate.

Katie Chonacas  10:40
Hmm, yeah, especially when you take it on. And like, I'm a very intense, loyal person, you know, and I'm very strong. So I'm like, oh, like, it'll just, you know, go away, or, like, never happened and happy wasn't there and you bury a deep, you just keep burying and deep. And when you make the choice to bury it deep, and you just keep burying it deeper and deeper. It just becomes like a habit that you do, and you think it's like the right thing to do. And you justify that choice. Because you didn't have someone to talk to, like you didn't, you know, not let anyone wasn't there like, Well, actually, what happened was, um, I had summer school that summer, so the whole year passed. And then I had summer school. And then I got my first boyfriend. And he was a senior. And because of the, the intimacy of it, obviously, I was able to share and tell him what happened. And so he and all his senior friends, they're all like the popular guys, him and all his senior friends showed up at his house, showed up at his house with me in the car with baseball bats, and I remember his, he wouldn't come to the door, he wouldn't come outside, it was his mother. And it was it was his mother. And so there's, um, you know, the town where I'm from, and there's like, the wealthy side. And then there's like the old side. And so he was on the old side. So, the homes were a bit smaller than the new side, you know, my dad, he designed and did the blueprint, an architect and had built our home, you know, here, my mom, and so on, on the old tracks on the old side. His mom was at the door, and I feel like he came from a broken family. So like, I mean, I didn't know this when I was 14, but reflecting on it now, he comes from a broken family with without a dad, he, you know, had his mom, his mom was at the door, his mom was needing to deal with these seniors, with the baby with baseball bats at his door. And so, his mom very well knows what he did, right? But you would think at that state that a mom would go to the school, right? But she didn't want her own child to be in trouble. She was suffering. She was scared. She probably couldn't handle her own child. You know, he was troubled. And obviously he took that out on on me, right? Not only in football, but but on like me, like another. He was a child. I was a child. We were we were kids. He was he was in my grade. He was a freshman as well. abrasive and aggressive on to me, it doesn't matter how attractive you are doesn't matter how cute you are, you know? Like, like, no means no, you know, um, but anyway, so in the story of, you know, my boyfriend at the time when I was 14, and all his friends as senior showing up to this kid's door. In my heart, in my mind, I felt good. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm like, I'm like, he got what he deserved. And that's, that's, that's that was that was in my mind. That was clarity in my mind. But, but now, but then, you know, recently I was thinking about, it's like, no, no, definitely not like, the school shouldn't know about it. This happened on school property, like the school still doesn't know, like, the school should have known about it, you know, that that mom. Like, I mean, I was, I was too scared to tell my mom, like, imagine if I had a relationship where I would could tell one of my siblings, or I did tell my mom or, you know, I actually had a friend I could talk to instead of my friends going against me in shaming and blaming me, if I had friends who actually told a counselor told someone, or if I went and told the counselor and told someone, right, instead of taking the shame and the blame, but like, this, this conclusion of, oh, like, he got what he deserved, and there's victory because my boyfriend at the time, you know, came in and like, you know, went to bat for me, and, and, and, like, put him in his place was also very adolescent. It was very, you know, it was child like behavior and that Mom, you know, were healthy, functional, ethical mom, right or wrong, I feel should have went to the school, you know, but like I said, you know, obviously she didn't want her own child to get in trouble. And for it, so so that didn't happen. And and so you He knew what he did was wrong because I'm sure his mom has given him crap for it over the years. But yeah, that's that's kind of what happened. And that was the only closure I had with it in the school system.

Victoria Volk  15:13
And that closure, and air quotes closure is a story, I think that repeats over and over. In situations like these, when you feel like you, like you said, are paralyzed, and don't know who to talk to, or you don't feel like you have someone you can talk to, or you take on the shame and the blame, right, and you try and rationalize like, Oh, you know, kissed him back or, you know, I whatever it is, right. It's just very easy to take on the shame and the blame. And so fast forward. How did that experience shape you? Once you left Detroit and started to start a new chapter.

Katie Chonacas  16:05
We'll fast forward even before I left Detroit, I started skipping school. I was the fastest I was the fastest runner on the cross-country team or I was top three. It was Kelly Kelly. Katie, we were the three frosh Ks that's what we were telling us. I was on the announcements twice a week. No one cheered for me. I was in the papers twice a week, which I loved, like you know, being a go getter and being in the paper and being on the announcements. Everyone would like clap and cheer. But no one no clap for me. I was so embarrassed when they said my name because I would do so well at the races, and I was on cross country and so after that year after my freshman year I ended up dropping out of cross country I dropped not only that I dropped out of cross country and university Michigan and all these like top 10 schools were looking at me for full scholarships. I you know, my dad was a cross country runner and he turned me on to cross country running and we had like we had this special bond and we do have a special bond and I was born on his birthday and our birthdays are 1111 and but yeah, so like I dropped out of cross country I started skipping school. I became you know, just like this this person I was just like I had disassociation from school I like no interest whatsoever I knew I'm like I'm an artist, I know what I want to do I want to be an actor I want to be an entertainment so like I knew like my calling. And so I just I'm just like eff these people and I just I turned I just like just like turned off school I just decided just to like turn it off and just like go numb I would like act out I would get sent out of my class I would get sent out of one of my classes and in like third period or something in this teacher just because like they didn't want to deal with me. I would be sent to this room where it would be people with a special disability and so it was like lose handicapped person. And this other person who was like a big bully, and he like smells really bad. And he was a bully. And I tried to I tried to bully him one time and he like he like came after me and it was so scary. And I never did again. But then I would doodle I would just be doodling and then I would get in trouble for drawing so I'm like I don't I was always thinking like I don't belong here. I belong in an art school. Like I don't I don't belong here. I'd be in trouble for doodling, and I love doodling I love I love art. So and then and then I actually it was it was so bad that you know my social life at school that I ended up leaving that school and transferring to another school in Livonia and and I it's funny that you say how the cycle repeats itself because it's like the exact same thing happened in a different way, the exact same thing.

Victoria Volk  19:00
And did you have support that time too?

Katie Chonacas  19:08
Well, no. But this time I was a senior there are two boys who asked me to prom, and I should have went with this one boy, I should have I should have went with this one boy, but I went with this. this other guy and Wow. It's like,

Victoria Volk  19:32
I’m so sorry, Katie. 

Katie Chonacas  19:35
Yeah, yeah, it's wild how you are in these situations, and you just find yourself so alone and so isolated and but then you'll have to yourself it's like how do you put yourself in these situations? So that's what I'm thinking is like how do you put yourself in these situations? Right? So, the second time it was during prom and I literally went to prom. With this kid, and he was the one getting the hotel room for like everyone to go back to, to party at afterwards. And so he literally, during prom, had us leave prom, to go to this hotel room, so it'd be all set up. So when everyone came afterwards, and so I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay with the kids, you know, they're all like the popular kids or whatever. And I wanted obviously, I was completely insecure. And I wanted to, you know, stay and have a good time. And he had a sleeve. And he got literally literally the hotel room ready with the keg, two in the bathtub full of ice, and, and took advantage of me completely. And just, like, put himself on me, and pressured me into having sex with him. And it was just like, so quick again, like, you know, when you're 17 or whatever, 16 of 16 it's just just like, I don't know, 617 Yeah, knows. Yeah. 17 I think I was always I was always like a late starter, I started I started my period late. I was, I start, everyone could drive, and I couldn't drive because my birthday is in November. So, I like I graduated when I was 17. You know, so like, everyone else is 18. But I was 17. So maybe I was 13 actually, when I was a freshman, and that happened. Maybe I was maybe I wasn't 14 you I was 13 because when I got a boyfriend, I was 14. So I think I was 13 actually wouldn't wouldn't happen because I was I was thinking I was 13 in my freshman year when it happened, this was the beginning of freshman year. So yeah, so when I was a senior, and they just like happened, and it was like done. I just felt like he was like, done with me. And like everyone showed up at the hotel room. And like everyone knew, everyone knew. And it was like, again, shame, blame. And it was just like, felt like, you know. Yeah, so that's that's kind of like that's that that's what, that's what my high school experience was like. You know, and I don't want to blame anyone or myself. But I definitely took on a lot of shame. And now as you know, as a young adult, I just look at look at it. Like if I were talking to a friend, which I do in the mirror, I'm supportive and positive for everyone else, they just hold space for myself just to be positive for myself and Haley. You know, you're a good kid, you're a smart kid, like, you come from a good family, and everyone has their stuff, you know, but there wasn't drinking in my house, there wasn't drugs. There was an infidelity in my home you know, but but, you know, like, I have three siblings come from a big Greek family and you know, you go to school and it's a whole different story at school, you know? Yeah, there's ways to you know, that's why community is so important. building communities and and having open communication and practicing open communication and no matter what it is to be able to, you know, hold space and let people know like I won't judge you. I don't blame you. I don't shame you. You know, all these things I've learned and I practice along the way and you know, I practice them with others and I practice with myself and I just come to realize that it's important to do those things and to keep doing those things.

Victoria Volk  23:54
You mean obviously you didn't feel like you could talk to your parents? Despite having good role models and good examples and good family life? Where do you think that disconnect was? We couldn't talk to them or I was just gonna say I think when when we take on that shame and blame I think that's a lot of what keeps us silent. Right?

Katie Chonacas  24:34
Yeah, I mean, that that shame and blame definitely kept me silent and definitely kept me restricted. But um, you know, every family does have their issues and and based on, you know, how my mom was raised in her circumstances. She hasn't been a person, I could go to Intel things and she, I don't think she had the the message Until bandwidth to deal with it. And I thought probably I would get into trouble. But, you know, like, when I was younger, I'd always like, talk to my mom, it was like, really difficult and share things. But when I would talk to her, it was like peeling an onion. And I would do one layer that gets really excited. And on a psychological level, I would like, you know, like chess, like, do do different layers of like talking to my mom. And right when I got to this, when I would get to like the second layer and start to peel it, it was like, she got like a tear, or showed any sign of vulnerability, she would just put her shield back up and, like, go to your room, or, like, that’s enough, Katie, you know, and like she couldn't, couldn't handle them anymore. You know, crying to her is weak, not not a strength. You know, she didn't have her parents she could talk to, I would be sent to my room are told to stop crying, if that gives you any frame of reference of being able to be vulnerable, so it wasn't advocated in my life with with my mom.

Victoria Volk  26:11
It wasn't neither in mind. And that cycle repeats. And that's why I'm so passionate about helping children with loss program that, that I facilitate, because it breaks that cycle, once we learn as parents, how to be hurt with the IRS, where our kids potentially could change the trajectory of their lives. Because, you know, had you been able to talk to your mom, or she was that safe space for you? You can't unknow it, once you know it. So what do you what are you going to do about it? Right?

Katie Chonacas  26:52
Yeah, I think that's where, like a lot of my anger came from. And then so I think some of that's where some of my blame came from, like some of my anger towards my mom, or maybe towards my dad, like, maybe some of my anger came from, and I was blaming, but like, I hadn't, but that's also where my compassion came from, because I don't blame them. Because I wouldn't in this world if it weren't for them. And they, they didn't know how, like, you know, my mom didn't know how, like, because her parents didn't know how, but at a very young age, I decided I was going to put myself and my life first and appreciate this God given life to me and fully live it and understand it as much as possible before gifting life to another. So in the sense of my career, my my different individual aspects of my career, those have been my babies, and I've been nurturing them, and in nurturing my life and my relationships. And those have been my babies. And then I decided I wanted to have children later on in life. So I have never been married, and I don't have children, and God willing, I will. But now that I've been through what I've been through and really know myself more, I feel like I'm able to break the pattern that you're talking about and and have vulnerability and compassion and open communication. And you know, the Greeks say communication is key, you know, like, communication is key. And I was always raised going places, my mom saying, you know, going to a family member's house or going to someone's house? Oh, don't tell him anything about her family? Or like don't don't say anything. Like don't don't say anything. So we were always tell like, Oh, don't say this. Don't say that. So, it's like, you know what I mean? Like, it gives mixed messages for children. It's very, very confusing and difficult. So, me, I'm just like, up. And I'm just like an open book. So, it's like, you know, but I mean, obviously, there's certain things you say and don't say, but when it comes to the home, I feel like communication is needs, it needs to be transparent, completely. So that's really cool that you have that program.

Victoria Volk  28:48
So, what, where do you go from here?

Katie Chonacas  28:52
Well, you're the first person I've spoken to about this on a platform. And it mustered up a lot of courage within me to do so. So I, where I go from here is keep taking these huge leaps and steps in speaking out loud, you know, to be a ripple effect. So other people could hear my story and learn from what I've been through and maybe identify with it. And so it's important, I feel to, you know, speak on it, not all the time, but definitely speak on it because if I don't, and I kind of think this would apply to all human beings, that it has power over you and it takes it takes over and it's like a it's like a blanket like just like, engulfing on on you and you're like not able to breathe and see clearly and it's just so dark and it's such a lonely place. And So, I just don't want to feel that way, you know, I just, I just don't want to feel that way at all. And I don't want another to feel that way. So, um, you know, I just, I'm just like, it's like chipping away, you know, with like an ice pack and just chipping away to, to not not have it not let it have any control over me. And also, another thing that I do is that I've done and that I do, as a human being, I take all of it, and I apply it to my work, I put it into my actor, I put it into TV, I put it into film, I put it into my drawings, into my paintings, I put it into my poetry, you know, so I take it, and I apply it to art, you know, because that's what life is for me. So when I feel like, you know, those are healthy things that I can do with the circumstances that were given to me, and I don't want to justify or compare my circumstances, my circumstances, somebody else's, because I know we all have different circumstances. So there's physical circumstances, which is bloody and gory, and, you know, but then there's psychological mental circumstances, you know, like a spiritual war, psychological war, and mental health that is just as gory and bad as a physical and in a blood that you see, you know, so mine's more of the invisible patterns and the invisible energies that you think you can't see. But you really can see, and you definitely feel them. You know, energy is just energy emotions. So breaking down old negative patterns, and calling them out, identifying with them, and replacing them with nourishment and positive patterns. 

Victoria Volk  31:59
It’s rewiring. It's a rewiring of our brains. 

Katie Chonacas  32:03
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, we have 60 to 70,000 thoughts per day, 90% of those thoughts have the same thoughts, right? So what are we thinking about? And so, like this, one thing that we're speaking on, is very, very deep rooted on so many ways. So to be able to speak upon it, and, you know, apply new language, new, new words, new, new things, I feel is Ultimately, the goal, right? So, when it when, when it when you're in an ocean wave, and they cycle and they circle back around, and you hit that iceberg, it's not as you know, detrimental. Hopefully, we can iron out in and keep forgiving, and take responsibility. And hopefully, it won't feel as bad or hurt as much.

Victoria Volk  33:00
Those of you listening to this, just energetically, I would just want you to send Katie some love. Because I know this was not easy for you. It wasn't even easy for me to hear. I'm being honest. Because there's a lot I haven't spoken up. But it just really honestly came to light this year. And so I'm still unpacking all of that. You give me courage. This is such a message to for parents to hear. I have a 13 year old actually, she's going to be 14 she has a countdown going on when she's turning 14 and I'm terrified.

Katie Chonacas  33:40
Yeah, she's 12. And so, I want to like same, right, but it's like, also, I want to be careful not to hold that worry. And that terrifying energy because I want to hold light and space and excitement for them, you know, to, you know, to not to not have that energy, vibration be so low. I want to be mindful of that. But also I want to be like, mindful of how I can approach her and mindful of how I can share with her in a healthy way. Certain things you know, to be able to have that communication. And it's like with what's happened and being in the world. You would think one would know how to approach those kinds of things, right? But when it's your child or a child there is it's it's not easy to you know, have that conversation.

Victoria Volk  34:31
Well, a new resort to what you know. And thank the Lord that I discovered grief recovery because and Reiki because together they have definitely opened up my eyes and helped me to peel back the layers of myself and made me a better parent.

Katie Chonacas  34:54
I'm attuned to level two, what level are you attuned to? Did you do the master two for?

Victoria Volk  34:59
I’m a master. 

Katie Chonacas  35:00
Oh cool. What number?

Victoria Volk  35:01
Yeah, I'm not sure. Well, I'm a Reiki Master, and I'm going to be doing my Corona in a couple of weeks. Reno holy fire. I'm gonna Sui holy fire Reiki Master is the Sui lineage. I know there's several different lineages there's many lineages.

Katie Chonacas  35:21
Wow, me first time I've heard of that. 

Victoria Volk  35:25
Yeah. And it's it's changed my perspective on energy for sure, really opened my eyes. And it's been brought me a lot of healing actually to, in conjunction with grief recovery. And sort of circle back, you know, with what you shared today and with the audience. And it's just so important that we recognize that, when something like this were to happen, whether kids or with ourselves, we resort to what we know. And I just want to say that there are new tools, and there are tools out there, and new knowledge that we can acquire, to better serve ourselves and our children and our communities and things like that. And so I'm just so grateful that I found that.

Katie Chonacas  36:23
What are some great that you found useful? The new resources?

Victoria Volk  36:29
The grief recovery method itself to process because you can utilize that for the relationship to the person who abused you, you can utilize that for the relationship that you have to your body, to yourself to your inner child. You can utilize the method to money, actually, your relationship with money is just very versatile. And I've applied it in many ways in my life.

Katie Chonacas  37:03
How do you find the program? 

Victoria Volk  37:06
Google?

Katie Chonacas  37:07
Okay, okay. Is it in North Dakota that you did the program?

Victoria Volk  37:11
No, it's actually online. You can find it online, the grief recovery method, it's online, but I got certified in the method in Austin, Texas. March of last year.

Katie Chonacas  37:25
I was I will, I've always wanted to go to Austin, Texas, I haven't been there yet. I always went a few times for South by South South by Southwest but cool, that's it's so great that you went through the program. That's why I felt like really safe in trusting to speak with you on this topic. Because you've, you know, been in the program and you've, you know, how to hold space, and I just felt like it would be a really, you know, good safe space to be able to share, you know, for grieving voices.

Victoria Volk  37:57
Thank you for that. Yeah, and that is my goal. That is my goal, to be a heart with yours. So, I, as I mentioned, you know, as we talked about, I discovered the grief recovery method and, and Reiki that's greatly helped me heal back the layers of my trauma and grief and all of that. And you mentioned that you've been basically channeling it into your art, what you experienced into your art and the work that you do. What are your goals for your art? And do you how do you plan now that we you've kind of started to speak out about this? How do you feel about it moving forward? And you know, is is advocacy something that you're interested in?

Katie Chonacas  38:57
Definitely, I definitely want to be an advocate. I definitely am I feel very raw and vulnerable. When I first identified with it, I think it was like in 2016 when I saw this film girl on the edge of the sag foundation in Los Angeles you know when when the lead actor at the end, you know, she picked up her little rock and it said rip on it said rape on it. It really struck home with me and I connected with the director and I was so moved by it that I wrote an article on the Huffington Post and actually was so raw and real, that the Huffington Post didn't publish it. I had to edit it down and make it more tailored. So, so it's it's published now but I'm not sure if it's because I was. I'm not a doctor, like, you know, a PhD to speak on this topic or if it was just like too much of the time, but I was able to publish that article. And I was very, it felt really like you know, when something first happens, it's like that raw feeling where it's like really fresh, like wounded and very vulnerable. So, I felt that for a while, and that was in it was in December I remember and then and then I in May I went to lightning in a bottle. And I was driving with a healer during lightning in a bottle this week Music Festival he had, he did this like ocean thing, where I put the person and the situation into an ocean bottle, and it just got smaller and smaller. And I kept going away. And I was just like, it was a huge music festival with like, you know, 15,000 people there. So I was like, rah, rah. And I was like screaming and crying and just really letting it out. And I felt like I did, I felt like I did, and I did, I had like, a big release about it. And then and then 2017 happened at 19 I kind of went through life and things were still like, you know, kind of like, confusing and foggy. And then the obscene documentary came out. And I was very I like, wanted to see it, but I was hesitant to see it. And I was I had the resistance, but then it was during, it was like right when 2020 during the lockdown, right when the riots were just happening. And literally, I it was a Thursday and I sat down. And I watched for all four episodes in a row. And afterwards, I was just stone cold, like buzzing and numb. And I was up till like, six, seven in the morning, I couldn't sleep I was just up. And it's like, all these pieces of like, all these years, it was all these pieces just like came together where I thought they like came together before but now they came together, and it was like it was the clearest they could ever be. It all came together. And it was it was like mapped out and I and I just watched my choices from being 14 up until now in my life of all the choices that I made with, with with males and male partners. And, and circumstances and situations and invitations and, and I when the whole me to movement came out a few years ago, but like i was i was like I was I was noticing the way I didn't talk to anyone about it. But I was noticing the way I was reacting to it inside I was very like judgmental I was very like I was there was there was a voice in there. It's like I want to share there's a voice in there where I wanted to post something, or I want to do a hashtag Me too. But then that then the next thought was like Oh, those those girls just want attention or someone's just gonna think they want attention or, or, um I don't want to be a part of this because that's like, oh I'm like one of the herd or one of the sheep but I'm so like, I'm judging them. I'm judging me. Like and being a part of that I'm judging so I'm doing a lot of judging here. And me two things happening. It just it's just keeps happening. It just keeps going on it just keeps cycling back up and and I continue to stay silent. I continue to judge I continue to you know, say something to myself about it, but not to anyone else. But the buried deep down and some like because I disassociate. I'm like, Oh, that's not me. Like I justified Oh, that's not mean that that's them. That's not me, right? That was the justification for it. And then I saw this obscene documentary. And I watched it. And the first woman and her sister from their experience, and they went to the police in the FBI and said something off of that experience. I was like, holy crap, this is like, this is like nothing compared to what I've seen and what I've been through. I'm like, if this person is saying it, like, how unhealthy Am I how unhealthy is this situation that I've been justifying, because of this is a this small the situation but they went, you know, I was like, Oh my God. And then I went on to watch, you know, the, the, the four series, the documentary in LA looking and hearing all these other girls stories. And because of these other girls that had a broken family, or they didn't have a mom, or they didn't have a dad, or they were into drugs, or they were they were like drinking or, or didn't have parents or they dropped out of school, they or whatever. It's like, Oh, I didn't I didn't have i would i was justifying this whole lot. I didn't I didn't do cocaine. I didn't do drugs. I didn't have parents who did drugs. I don't my mom's here. My dad's here. They're here. Like, I don't have like stepfathers and people coming and going, I wasn't sexually abused, like, you know, by a parent, like this didn't happen to me. So I would, I would. I went on in life. And I would be on these private yachts in the south of France. I would be, you know, with these multimillionaires and multi billionaires. And I would be going, you know, I would be having lunches and dinners and, you know, like, I'm like, oh, that, you know, they would tell me how smart I am and how pretty I am. They would tell me how gorgeous I was and how smart I was. And I felt so special. And I'm like yeah, obviously. Of course, I'm beautiful. Of course, I'm gorgeous. Of course, you want to be around me because all this in that although I'm not going to have sex. I'm not going to let you touch me, I'm not going to do anything with you. But allow, I'll allow you to buy me dinner, I'll allow you to buy me lunch, I'll accept the invitation to go on a private jet, and to go on yachts and to have these experiences all over the world. And I'm, I'm the one, you know, having a good old time on your dime. And I'm seeing the world and I'm doing all these like cool things. But you're not, you're extending an invitation to me, but you're not, I'm not sleeping with you, I'm not sleeping in the same boat with you With you, I have my own. I have my own bedroom, I have I have so so I would justify, I'd be like, but but then you're watching the documentary. And they're telling the girls how special they are, how, how smart they are, but then they take it to the next level. And they abuse them sexually. But I justified it, I'm like, Oh, that's not me. Because I don't allow them to touch me. But know that you know what I am, I am the same situation I am the same. It is me too. I am in the same category because because these girls who are you know, doing the drugs or you know, doing the whatever they want the the sexual stuff that I'm not doing. I'm just like one of the girls, I'm just one of the pretty girls where it's like, they just, you know, some of them, they just like to have like, you know, five to 10 girls around, right? They just like to have like all these eye candies around. And so for them, even though what's them paying for a meal or, or paying for a flight or having me go here or there. They just like having the entourage of females around, right? Not that I went to like too many things where there's like entourage as a females. But I have been in situations where there's been, you know, more than one girl there. And although I wasn't doing anything, and they were I felt like oh, I was like scamming them or I got away. But no, I was under the victim umbrella. And I was justifying my own circumstances under that umbrella. And I was like, Oh my god, that's so unhealthy. And by seeing that documentary, obscene, I was like, Oh, I am me, too, it is a me too thing. And I felt like the shackles come off, I felt the shield. Come down, you know, and I had a lot of deep sadness for myself, I had a lot of deep sadness for myself, because this whole entire time, you know, growing up in California, and being around all these different people, and events and parties, in LA, and New York, and Paris, and London and around the world. And it wasn't all that but it was it was in there. It wasn't all that it was but it was intertwined. It was inter woven, you know, and I just I kept this like thread, it was like this thread of, through my life. And I know we all have different threads we carry around. But this this one thread, I feel stems from that experience from when I was 14, you know, and I took on the shame I took on the blame, I took on the pressure I took on those things, I took on those things, although I protected myself and I'm, you know, one with God, and I have my faith and my morals and my values. And I wanted to experience, you know, all these materialistic fantasizing fun things, without the cost of giving up my sexual identity, right. And also being taken advantage of, I was already closed off, like, no one could get past there, I was like, closed off, like, it's not happening, you know, and it just, it just wouldn't happen, you know, it just, it just went in, you know, a lot of times, because I was tough, and strict and strong in these ways of my personality, but also my morals and my values. I also feel like some of that closed off, because I made the choice not to let anyone in because I something was taken for me because like No means no beat, but because it was taken from me. So maybe it when it happened in my young adult life, you know, going through my 20s you know, in California and around the world and stuff, maybe that also gave me a internal strength and a build on to where I wasn't gonna let anyone prey on me, you know, because I knew what it felt like already. So these other girls in life, who have their own experiences, you know, I'm watching them in the documentary. And it happened, you know, many times over and over. And I was always just like, oh, they're so weak, like before the document, right? Like, all those girls are weak, they have no morals, they have no values to allow those kinds of things, I would justify it, you know, and just say something like, oh, they're doing Coke, they're doing an A bowl of coke or something like that, you know, they're, they're just, you know, having sex for money or something like that, you know, and I would, I would judge them, I would, I would judge them. And when you're judging others, you're only really judging yourself, you know. And like I said, I felt like I had one up over them, like I was better than them because I didn't allow that repeated abuse going over and over. But it was it was still abuse on a psychological level. And it was just unhealthy patterns, just to be a part of right when I could have been in a relationship with somebody when it could have been around real friends, real friends, and not people who aren't your friends, you know. So, I was really, really frustrated. And angered and really mad at myself for not building up healthier friendships and communities earlier on. I do now, I'm grateful that I have them now. And I'm developing them. But of course, you're always wondering like, Oh, you know, what if that didn't happen, or what if I wasn't a part of those things, thinking I had to be a part of those things to, to make certain things happen, you know, from my own limiting beliefs and isolation of not communicating and, and sharing, you know, unhealthy, unhealthy thoughts and beliefs come up.

Victoria Volk  50:43
Well, and the one thing that when you're sharing that what came up for me is, I remember back to when you said, when you first saw your girlfriends after that happened, and they pretty much just dismissed you, and shamed you and judged you and kind of cut you off, right? And so these girls, then later in life, you know, it's get them before they can get me.

Katie Chonacas  51:15
Well also, growing up, um, you know, my mom, she really did coax us with, like, how beautiful we were, you know, how she was very nurturing with like taking care of our hygiene and using lotions, and taking care of our bodily tumbles. And so, I always grew up knowing I was beautiful, you know, like, and my sister was gorgeous, too. And she is and so I went to school thinking like every I was complimenting all these girls. And I was like, oh, you're so gorgeous, you're so pretty, like I love your hair, I love your eyes. And I would always be very complimentary of what like someone was wearing or how they looked or something like that, just because it's like, in my friendly nature, personality. But I thought everyone was beautiful. Like, like the bat, like, like your hand. Like, you know, you've a front and a back. Like, I just thought everyone was gorgeous. Like, that's how I was trained. That's how I was I was taught growing up. And so, a lot of times, girls, they're so insecure, and with my like voice and my bold personality. They, I guess I they, I would make them feel small or insecure because they would shy away from me. Or maybe they thought like I was being fake about it. Or maybe they didn't think I was being authentic, right. And so sometimes I had girlfriends, but then as soon as they got a boyfriend, they would stop being my friend. And I remember some of my teachers this one teacher when I was a freshman in college, I ended up getting a full scholarship for cross country running. But when I stopped running and then came back to it was like the comeback queen. But that's that's another story if you want to hear about it, but I ended up getting back into running because of my dad and I went for it. And I remember one of my teachers, she sat me down, and she said, Listen, like you're you're so beautiful. You're like you're so attractive. And she's like and you're smart. And you know I'm with my voice she said you know she sat me down and told me that a lot of girls are going to be jealous of me. A lot of girls are going to be the way that they were cuz she saw how they were in school to me, they were so mean to me, they were so mean to me. I'm so in addition to being taken advantage of, you know, and having my virginity taken away from me without my consent, in addition to all that, with the blame and the shame, with also just like being like a, like a beautiful human being the kids are very cruel. So, so then so then it's a lot, right? It's like there's this layer and this layer and there's this situation, this situation and then when they all come together, how do you spread it out to know what, what, what is what? You know, it's a lot. It's definitely a lot. And I started remember growing, also growing up in entertainment. One of my best friends, he's so cool. J Logan horn. He took me to his friend's birthday dinner, and I knew about his one friend and I like I really like idolized her and I admired her. And it was her birthday and he brought me to dinner with her and her name is Jessica Stam. She's gorgeous. She's from Canada, and she's beautiful model. And we went to this dinner and she's younger than me. But the way she was with me, she was so graceful and kind and she looked at me as her equal and like she was like edgy and cool. And we became like friends instantly. And we've been friends ever since. And she's younger than me and she's quote unquote more successful than me, right? I mean, success is, you know, measured, right? So but in my eyes of wanting a role model because at a young age, I've always wanted role models and for an interpersonal female feminine divine relationship. That was really For me, I remember when I met her, and she was younger than me, and I looked up to her. And she was so because she was so successful and like, in her career, she didn't even though I was gorgeous, you know, and bold and loud, like she could had space to celebrate me and to honor me and, and she wasn't jealous of me and she wasn't cutting and looking down to me. And it was really nice to identify and get with someone who was who was like a mirror reflection of how I was for others, right. And it took a long time for me to, to meet someone like her. And, and she's very special and, and I admire her greatly. And she kind of gave me a new hope of confidence of what it could be like to, you know, keep the faith and keep being how I was and, and, and since then I've met a lot of beautiful, empowering beautiful women and gems along the way. And I deepen my relationship with the divine feminine and have real true relationships with females. So that's, that's a part of it all, too, you know.

Victoria Volk  56:05
A lot of ripples want to experience. And that's just, that's a very good example of ripples of how we can have one experience and how it just transcends time, and writes on who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world. And once we recognize and have a certain level of awareness, it's kind of rediscovering ourselves again.

Katie Chonacas  56:33
And it's like, the way that I always was, that's how I wanted, like all my girlfriends to be, that's how I wanted to be with all my girlfriends, you know, and to truly be a man, but with, with how I with how I grew up, and you know, you know, we're kids, like, I didn't grow up, you know, as a child in LA, where there are people who have careers already, right. So, like, I'm growing up in Michigan, so people are still, you know, kids and go into school and what have you. So, I understand, I understand that it took time for me to meet a match of mine, who was at the level where I was at, in regards to women empowerment, and the strength. One has for, you know, being being a human, and being that voice for others. We are who we are, and sometimes it gets covered in some luck, right? But then once in a while a gem comes around like Jessica and it just like it just it's a mirror reflection that remind you of who you are. And in you being your best self and, and, you know, knowing that maybe you've had some like lonely times, and then roads. You know, it's very, obviously intimate and raw. And I don't even think she understands the level of impact it's had for me, and how special Our friendship is, but it really is and, and so I continue to be that for others because it's who I am. And, and like I said, I've met females along the way, Tish Hicks who has the vo dojo, who's you know, a pioneer in voiceover, Randy Thomas, who was the first female disc jockey. And she paved the way for women in voiceovers. She's the voice of ABC nightline. She's the first woman anchor, you know, she was the first female disc jockey. She's the first woman anchor, she's been the voice of the Oscars for 10 times. Total she's been the voice of the Tonys for 21 years in a row. And she's my friend and she's my role model and mentor and, you know, I'm like her spiritual daughter, she's like, my, she's like my spiritual mom. And so I've met these beautiful women along the way who are successful, and, you know, proud to call me their friend, and I'm honored to have them on my journey. And they support me, you know, speaking, what I do what what comes up for me, and they hold space for me, and I honor them. And it's like, with everything that's happened, it's, I feel like I appreciate it even more in the relationship is even more juicy. Or, you know, because I've been through the hardships and they know what it's like, because we all have our, our own hardships, you know, and I know I have the strength and the determination to be there for them if and when they need me. And I feel like that's what you know, the journey is about being showing up and being there for one another.

Victoria Volk  59:34
A lot of great messages today. For parents, thank you for sharing your story, your grieving voice for the first time. And I'm honored that you felt safe sharing it with me.

Katie Chonacas  59:50
My pleasure, my pleasure. You know, I write poetry as well. And I haven't even written about this in my poetry because it's so isolating and so Scary that I've been even scared to write it down, like even even in poetry. So maybe in the near future, you'll be able to read some of my poetry as I'm being more open about this. And I make music under the sophisticated psychos. And the music's really cool. And so I put the emotion and things into music. There hasn't been too many lyrics on this topic. But it's food for thought, in this moment that maybe there'll be songs in the future. Because I do spoken word poetry as well. Maybe I'll create a piece where you know, I talk on this topic in a poetic kind of way to share and educate and be a ripple effect for others. To meditate on that some more, it'll come to me but I do make coming from Detroit in the underground music scene. I do make beats and all the musics available on all streaming platforms, I actually have an EP coming out October 20. It's in a few weeks here and I leaked a couple of my own music videos on YouTube. It's on the sophisticated psychos YouTube page. But I actually teamed up with subtle energy. And so we put healing frequencies, we encoded healing frequencies in our music, and Eric Thompson, who owns created subtle energy sent me all these frequencies, and I could choose which frequencies I wanted on these beats that I'm releasing. And what stuck to me immediately was 639 hertz, and 639 hertz, Foster's forgiveness, forgiveness on a planetary level with what we're going through right now. And for self and for others, and just to mend our relationships, whatever kind of relation ship we've had with all these kinds of relationships that we're dealing with. So I'll send it to, I would love for you to check it out. And if your viewers want to check it out, too. I'm really proud, it's something new, I feel like I'm really turning new leaves right now. So I'm really I'm really excited, you know, that we cross paths and that we're on each other's journeys. And knowing me more, I think you'll probably understand my art more as well, maybe you'll see it in the depths of my soul, when you're seeing me on TV or film or something, that I'm not just acting that it's actually comes from a place where I've had the courage to, you know, tap into these vulnerable moments. And, you know, that's why actors and artists are who they are, because they're willing to go there, you know, they're willing to, to go there. It's um, you know, it's, it's an honor, it's an honor to be able to be a vessel for everything we've talked about.

Victoria Volk  1:02:36
That's amazing. I just love how you're channeling all of that into the, into the work that you do, and, and it does, it creates ripples. And I hope that this podcast does as well. And one of the messages too, that I feel I want to mention and that you shared is that it's important to find your people. Find the people that support you, lift you up that, like you said, hold a mirror view of who you really are, and where you shine, and they lift you up.

Katie Chonacas  1:03:14
Yeah, I love Kundalini Yoga. I really found my tribe through Kundalini all these years before I knew the word Kundalini Yoga before I ever practiced it. I was naturally doing Kundalini growing up, I started doing Kundalini when I was eight, I would just do it naturally by myself. I didn't even know I was doing it. Or what I was, I was just practicing it. And so that's definitely in my tribe. I do a lot of voiceovers. And I love voiceovers because you can be as big and loud and wacky as you want and the wackier and the louder the better, the more fun it is, because in voiceovers and acting you don't want to be a bad actor and overact but in voiceovers, they want you to go super big with animation because they can always bring you down but if you're going so small down like this, they don't know if they could bring you up so it's really good to be bold and big. So I find through the vo community I'm able to you know be in a booth and I'm able to do my work and it's all about my choices my intention and how I sound more so to what I look like and I feel like I've done a lot of on screen acting and I like to put it on the backseat for a while and I was doing other things and now I'm I'm gonna get back on screen again. But when I took the time out, part of the psychological journey of taking time out and and not being on camera and not being seen was a part of me hiding and I would just be hiding because I would feel judged by people right hiding the shame hiding the blame isolating so i'd feel safe to be wild, loud and crazy in a voiceover booth. But not having people look at me because I'm gorgeous or judge me or treat me a certain way because of how I looked or something that I've been through. So, I've been acting the whole entire time. I just kind of took a backseat from being on screen for a while just from you know the pressures of of life and stuff we've talked about. But I've done a lot of soul searching and digging and things we've talked about, I created my own podcast. So, if y'all want to check it out, it's called she's all over the place podcast. So, I'm grateful to have the podcast and I'm grateful to, you know, have the space to take the space to sort and figure this all out, and then to share it. And yeah, so um, I just took new headshots. And so now I'm going to focus on getting back on TV and film. So that's, that's very exciting.

Victoria Volk  1:05:32
Awesome, come out from behind the microphone, right? And it makes sense to me that you would feel like, 2e're made feel small, and to shush, right? made to shush for a long time. And so your time to shine.

Katie Chonacas  1:05:49
I'll just say like, like, I came out of the gate, like, you know, like, boom, all out. And then I'm out there and I'm doing these things. And then with the stuff we've talked about, now I've taken time and space to reflect, identify sort through them it took like a long time to because then you feel like you know what you're doing, then you keep going, but then it's like, wait, something's still feels off. And there's the confusion, the cloudiness, and there's the whole journey that you're going through. So, I feel like now, especially in 2020, since the lockdown I've been able to just really take a backseat and really stop everything stop all the patterns, stop all the cycles and just just let everything just like fall down. And when I think it's all down, because before like I thought it was all down, and then I kept going, but but some stuff came out but but it wasn't right. And so now I've been able to just really stop and just when you want to like okay, okay keep going node be able to stop more be able to stay still longer, and and more stuff has come up. And so now I'm excited because I since I really had held depth of space, you know, now I can like I said before I can take it and apply it to my work so I can go back on screen. Knowingly knowing like more confident than ever it's like and this time execution like Bullseye like no one nothing, whatever is gonna stop me because through and through, in and out. everything that's happened good bad in between. I know myself so well, like Socrates says Know thyself, before, it's like you think you know yourself, and you're always getting to know yourself. But now it's like, in 2020. Now more than ever, right? Know thyself, I can take that ammunition and apply it to my craft into my work and make multi millions of dollars doing it with a smile on my face.

Victoria Volk  1:07:39
Amen. I love that. Because that's your birthright. And you don't have to do to be or say or perform in any way to receive love to receive. You know, we got to give that to ourselves first. And really, thank you for being my guest today. And for sharing all that you shared. And if people want to reach out to you, where can they find you? I know you mentioned the podcast.

Katie Chonacas  1:08:10
Yeah, she's all over the place podcast subscribe. My handle is my brand is the sophisticated psycho. So, we're on all music streaming platforms. But you know, people can just email me imagine katie@gmail.com imagine@gmail.com and then you know, I'm on all the social media handles, I just go by chonacas my last name.

Victoria Volk  1:08:32
And I will put the links in the show notes.

Katie Chonacas  1:08:39
Yeah, my website, just chonacas.com that's probably the best way to reach out. Everything's there.

Victoria Volk  1:08:44
Thank you so much, Katie. 

Katie Chonacas  1:08:46
My pleasure. Thank you, thank you really unique experience. And I just I love the name grieving voices. And I just, I really identified with it immediately. So, it was a really good fit for us. I really appreciate you. And it was an honor to share my story here, you know, because it's like, if not now, when, you know, like when it's like it's been happening for so long, and I'm not getting any younger. And if we really wanted to make an impact, we just need to actually take action on those things. So, I feel like today was a big success for both of us. Thank you.

Victoria Volk  1:09:23
Thank you. Love that. All right, everybody. Thank you for tuning in. And like I mentioned earlier in the podcast, just send Katy some energetic love. And my grieving voice, my grieving heart goes off to you. And this is not the end. I have no doubt we will be keeping in touch.

Katie Chonacas  1:09:48
Yeah, definitely.

Victoria Volk  1:09:50
Thank you all for listening. Until next time, take care and much love.