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Healing For Love
Healing for Love
A podcast for anyone who wants to stop shrinking, start healing, and grow into their most grounded, authentic self in love & life.
Hosted by Dr Gemma Gladstone — relationship coach, former clinical psychologist (25+ years), and expert in schema healing — this podcast offers thoughtful, insight-rich episodes to help you understand your patterns, heal from past emotional wounds, and gently rewrite your relationship template.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in familiar dynamics — seeking approval, fearing abandonment, dating narcissists or losing yourself in relationships — you’re not alone. Healing for Love is a space for self-reflection, emotional insight, and steady encouragement. Here, you’ll learn how to reconnect with your worth, trust your inner voice, and build relationships that support who you truly are.
This is for the woman who’s ready to feel more secure, more whole, and more herself — in love and in life.
Healing For Love
95. A Schema Therapy Take on Defensiveness & How to Reduce it.
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Information about private therapy/coaching with Gemma or Justine email us: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
In today's episode, Gemma explores the impact of Defensiveness on relationships, its root causes, and practical steps to overcome it.
Key Points:
- Defensive Phrases:
- Common examples: "It's not my fault," "You always," "You never," "You're overreacting."
- Recognize these as signs of defensiveness.
- Impact on Relationships:
- Defensiveness is a relationship killer, identified by John and Julie Gottman as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
- High levels of defensiveness can predict relationship breakup and divorce.
- Triggers and Responses:
- Often triggered by low to medium-level criticisms or requests from a partner.
- Immediate emotional responses include feelings of threat, anger, and injustice.
- Behavioral Patterns:
- Refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing.
- Redirecting blame or overly justifying actions.
- Counterattacking or withdrawing.
- Underlying Causes:
- Common schemas involved: defectiveness, emotional deprivation, mistrust, subjugation.
- Often stems from childhood experiences with critical or narcissistic parents.
- Steps to Overcome Defensiveness:
- Reflect on defensive incidents when calm.
- Identify triggers and feelings.
- Recognize the part of yourself you're defending.
- Acknowledge and validate your vulnerable inner child.
- Reassure the defensive part of you that you're now an adult and safe.
- Practice responding calmly and reasonably.
- Practical Exercise:
- Sit quietly and recall a recent defensive episode.
- Identify your reaction and underlying feelings.
- Visualize a conversation with your inner child and defender.
- Reassure them and imagine a healthier response in future interactions.
Conclusion: Defensiveness is common but can be managed with self-awareness and compassionate inner dialogue. Reflect, identify triggers, and practice calm responses to improve relationship dynamics.
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