The Good Mood Clinic Podcast
A Psychology and Schema Therapy Podcast by Drs Gemma Gladstone and Justine Corry, two schema therapists from Sydney, Australia. In this podcast we take an in-depth look at the common issues their clients bring to therapy and offer listeners new ways to think about their own lives and the people around them. With a mixture of conversations, meditations, case studies and interviews, these two experienced psychotherapists & coaches bring you plenty to think about and loads of valuable ideas and practical tips. Dr. Gemma Gladstone, Advanced Certified Schema Therapist, Trainer and Supervisor (ISST). BA (Hons) GradDip (Psychotherapy); Cert (Clin Hypnosis); PhD (UNSW). Dr. Justine Corry BSocSc (Hons); MSocSc; MPsychol(Clin); PhD (UNSW). Artwork by Nigel Sanft
The Good Mood Clinic Podcast
95. A Schema Therapy Take on Defensiveness & How to Reduce it.
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In today's episode, Gemma explores the impact of Defensiveness on relationships, its root causes, and practical steps to overcome it.
Key Points:
- Defensive Phrases:
- Common examples: "It's not my fault," "You always," "You never," "You're overreacting."
- Recognize these as signs of defensiveness.
- Impact on Relationships:
- Defensiveness is a relationship killer, identified by John and Julie Gottman as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
- High levels of defensiveness can predict relationship breakup and divorce.
- Triggers and Responses:
- Often triggered by low to medium-level criticisms or requests from a partner.
- Immediate emotional responses include feelings of threat, anger, and injustice.
- Behavioral Patterns:
- Refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing.
- Redirecting blame or overly justifying actions.
- Counterattacking or withdrawing.
- Underlying Causes:
- Common schemas involved: defectiveness, emotional deprivation, mistrust, subjugation.
- Often stems from childhood experiences with critical or narcissistic parents.
- Steps to Overcome Defensiveness:
- Reflect on defensive incidents when calm.
- Identify triggers and feelings.
- Recognize the part of yourself you're defending.
- Acknowledge and validate your vulnerable inner child.
- Reassure the defensive part of you that you're now an adult and safe.
- Practice responding calmly and reasonably.
- Practical Exercise:
- Sit quietly and recall a recent defensive episode.
- Identify your reaction and underlying feelings.
- Visualize a conversation with your inner child and defender.
- Reassure them and imagine a healthier response in future interactions.
Conclusion: Defensiveness is common but can be managed with self-awareness and compassionate inner dialogue. Reflect, identify triggers, and practice calm responses to improve relationship dynamics.
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