Can modern parents successfully navigate the digital influences shaping their preteens' identities? Join us for this captivating episode of Wealthy AF, featuring Marcus Higgs, an esteemed educator and mentor. We promise you'll walk away with actionable insights on how to bridge the communication gap between you and your children, especially in an age where online influences can lead to skepticism about parental guidance. Marcus shares real-life anecdotes that reveal how parents can support their preteens in understanding their evolving worldviews and emotions, helping to establish a foundation of interdependence.
Our conversation doesn't stop there. We dig into the emotional struggles parents face as their children grow, illustrated by the compelling story of a young man who chose a prestigious university against his parents' financial advice. Hear firsthand how balancing parental advice with external influences can be a tightrope walk, and why allowing children to make their own choices can be both challenging and rewarding. Family culture, particularly in fostering entrepreneurial skills, emerges as a crucial theme, showing how foundational values can guide a child's future success.
Finally, we explore the vital concepts of resilience, trust, and community support in parenting adolescents. Learn how to manage your emotional responses and maintain open communication, even when core values are questioned. Marcus introduces his upcoming book, "The Show Up Framework," packed with practical advice for modern parents. If you're eager to equip yourself with the wisdom to raise confident and resilient children, this episode is a treasure trove of valuable insights. Don’t miss out on the profound expertise Marcus brings to the table, helping you navigate the complexities of parenting in today’s world.
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital.
Sign Up for our Newsletter and get our FREE E-Book where you'll learn everything you need to know about creating financial freedom through multifamily syndication.
Introducing the 60 Day Deal Finder! Visit:www.MartinREIMastery.com Use the Coupon Code: WEALTHYAFfor 20% off!
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital. Build Generational Wealth As A Passive Investor In Multifamily Real Estate Syndication! Visit www.premierridgecapital.com to find out more.
Can modern parents successfully navigate the digital influences shaping their preteens' identities? Join us for this captivating episode of Wealthy AF, featuring Marcus Higgs, an esteemed educator and mentor. We promise you'll walk away with actionable insights on how to bridge the communication gap between you and your children, especially in an age where online influences can lead to skepticism about parental guidance. Marcus shares real-life anecdotes that reveal how parents can support their preteens in understanding their evolving worldviews and emotions, helping to establish a foundation of interdependence.
Our conversation doesn't stop there. We dig into the emotional struggles parents face as their children grow, illustrated by the compelling story of a young man who chose a prestigious university against his parents' financial advice. Hear firsthand how balancing parental advice with external influences can be a tightrope walk, and why allowing children to make their own choices can be both challenging and rewarding. Family culture, particularly in fostering entrepreneurial skills, emerges as a crucial theme, showing how foundational values can guide a child's future success.
Finally, we explore the vital concepts of resilience, trust, and community support in parenting adolescents. Learn how to manage your emotional responses and maintain open communication, even when core values are questioned. Marcus introduces his upcoming book, "The Show Up Framework," packed with practical advice for modern parents. If you're eager to equip yourself with the wisdom to raise confident and resilient children, this episode is a treasure trove of valuable insights. Don’t miss out on the profound expertise Marcus brings to the table, helping you navigate the complexities of parenting in today’s world.
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital.
Sign Up for our Newsletter and get our FREE E-Book where you'll learn everything you need to know about creating financial freedom through multifamily syndication.
Introducing the 60 Day Deal Finder! Visit:www.MartinREIMastery.com Use the Coupon Code: WEALTHYAFfor 20% off!
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital. Build Generational Wealth As A Passive Investor In Multifamily Real Estate Syndication! Visit www.premierridgecapital.com to find out more.
This is Wealthy AF, your ultimate guide to understand what it truly means to be Wealthy AF, and today's guest is Marcus Higgs. Today's topic is going to be on preteens and communication with parents, which I think it's a very important topic. As an educator and mentor of young people from over 20 countries, marcus has developed a profound understanding of how to be human and bring forth our intimate greatness using the relationships we have with ourselves and between our family, community and the world around us. Now Marcus supports parents of preteens using the show-up framework. This is so a parent can support their child during their preteens first identity breaking and bring forth their child's greatness. He's also a communication coach and, marcus sir, welcome to the podcast. You can finally get this thing done.
Speaker 2:
It's good to be here, man. Yeah, you got to stay with it. Stay with it, we'll get it. We'll get the message out.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, brother, thank you so much for coming on and I want to go into it. I think off air and I want to go into it. I think off air. Earlier, we talked about you know I mentioned to you I have four kids and I know how difficult it is. You know the pre -teens not the worst era, not the worst. You know I have 20, all my kids are in their 20s now and pre-teens is not the worst. Teens is the worst, the worst time right. I got stories after stories after stories, with all horror of mine in the teen stages. What are the biggest challenges that parents are facing today, in this day and age, with the social media and all the information we're living in, that parents are facing today as it pertains to communications and their preteens?
Speaker 2:
Hey, all right, I'm going to answer your question about what is unique about today, in this day and age, and right after I'm going to tell you what is the usual challenge of all humanity, since we've been here for a while. The thing about our modern day is with social media. Let me see how I'm going to frame this. All right, your kid is a dependent, and when they come into adolescence, the natural thing is to turn away because they're coming into other understandings of the world, and this is a natural thing. They're supposed to go out and be independent, moving from dependence and independence. So they're taking on a new role of forming their worldview. In forming that worldview, they are not sure if they can trust you, and what I mean by that is when they're taking in these other points of views could be uncles, teachers, coaches, just other trustworthy adults in their lives. They start to think well, is my parent telling me the truth? Skepticism settles in, but nuance, understanding nuance, doesn't come until 18. Now, the reason I set it up like that is because when they get those screens in their hands, they're hearing stories of other people, of other experiences, and we're starting to notice that people are forming or rather preteens are forming their identity based on things behind the screen. And when I say they're forming their identity, that means their understanding of who they are, their worldviews based on other voices that are out there, and we were just talking about this, the stories and scripts that people have in their head. That's what we're noticing. So then, their development and their understanding of the world is actually happening a little bit earlier. So that's the problem of this age. That's this time Now, what the usual problem is. I'll just touch on it real quick. When they feel that pushing away, they don't understand that you're still love, you're supported, you're seen and I'll support you from afar. But you have to be independent, and this is where our track stopped last time. That's not the final form of the relationship of a parent-child. The final form is interdependence, that is, I will take care of me to be in service to you or you take care of you to be in service to me. You have to be independent.
Speaker 2:
And when they're first stepping into that first role of independence, not knowing their own identity, their own virtues and values by which to navigate, the second thing that happens is collaborative mistrust. Who do I trust? Because oftentimes that's where the contention comes when they're not meeting our expectations. They think what's wrong with me? It's like son, nothing's wrong with you. You bring them into conversation and learn to answer the problems together, to know that they can collaborate with you. The third thing is emotional management, emotions. They motivate us, they tell us you know what are our goals, how we're moving towards them. But when they don't have a clear direction or when they're not sure of who they are, that's when those big emotions start to arise and they're not used to it or they don't know how to have the skills to regulate them yet. So those are the usual challenges of so what would you should preteens have?
Speaker 1:
I know you talked about them getting their identities from the screen, right? I remember when. I'll share this story with you. It makes a lot of sense. This resonates with me because my second oldest he went to Penn State, graduated from Penn State. I don't have a formal college education. I have my own belief systems around formal education, with debt and all of that right. I'm an entrepreneur, successful in my own right. I believe I'm okay for myself and I was trying to explain to my son. He is a very smart and he's an entrepreneur today and he's very successful in his business. He's a digital marketing genius. Smart kid, really smart kid.
Speaker 1:
But I remember, before he went to Penn State, my wife and I sat down with him early, actually way, way before he was maybe in the ninth grade or eighth grade, and he was going to go to college and it just really to your point. He was like I'm going to go to college and my wife and I, his mom and I was going to say to college. And it just just really to your point. He was like I'm going to go to college and my mom, my wife and I, his mom and I was going to say we're like listen, son, we, we want you to know that there is a path for college and education and there also is. If you're going to go to university route, you need to be clear on what it is that you want and why you are going to be a doctor, a lawyer, cause we, you want to be a doctor, you want to be a lawyer, because there's a trap that if you're going to go for a four-year degree, just to have a four-year degree, to go make $40,000, $50,000 a year, that doesn't make a lot of sense. We have clearly shown to you that you can be successful without a college degree. Look at our life, look at who. We are right, clearly, we've shown you that. But he was in that forming stage, like you said. He was in that forming stage, like you said. He was in that forming stage taking information from here, taking information from there, and he was, he was making his own decision and at that moment in time the school influence was bigger on him. What they were telling him in school about the university was bigger on, bigger than what he was living and seeing at home and what his parents were telling him. So he decided to go to the university, he decided to do the school loan things, all that thing. He's a very, very smart kid. He became an RA and he got grants and things and graduated 2020.
Speaker 1:
In 2021, I gave him weird right. I know I'm weird, but this is who we are. We're a family of entrepreneurs. I gave him an LLC for a gift because he had started family of entrepreneurs. I gave him an LLC for a gift because he had started. Yeah, he went to do an internship and he took a course on digital marketing. That's how he opened up his business on an online course on digital marketing and he graduated. And then he said to me dad, mom, dad, you were right. Now has a successful business. He's an investor in some of my real estate. I'm going to be 46. He's 26,. He's got money invested in my real estate deals and he paid off his school loans.
Speaker 1:
And my point is, the point to your point is that he was in those formative years and he was making his own decision and he was deciding on. You know, to your point, how do you navigate that? As a parent? You know we didn't know how to navigate. We only thing we did, and I know there's a lot of parents struggling with the same thing right now. I know I wasn't the only one where you're trying to tell your kid hey, kid, we've been down this road, there's danger here, right, like, don't do that. But the world is telling him on their screen. Now is a screen telling him something different and he's going to do it. How do you navigate that?
Speaker 1:
It's very difficult for a parent and very frustrating. I know that feeling is very frustrating. My wife and I would go in our room and we'd be like this kid, don't listen, if we can. You know, we gave him options. We gave him strategies. We're like hey, go to North Ham, go to the community college, and we'll pay for it. You could stay home, save money, because we're looking out for his best interest. We don't want him to fall in the trap right of the debt. When you graduate, we'll pay for it. Just stay here. No, no, no. He needed to go to Penn State brand name, you know school and all that stuff and he did. How do you navigate that as a parent? What advice are you? How do we communicate as a parent, as parents to our kids, and how do we deal with that frustration? And how do we, how can we do it effectively?
Speaker 2:
beautiful, beautiful, um. Let me ask you this what was the frustration? What was at the root of it?
Speaker 1:
the root of the root of our frustration during my experience you're asking me about my experience the root of our frustration was that, as his parents was a multiple, there's multiple layers to this. Right, this is a deep question're like shit. We feel kind of betrayed, like man, we care more for this kid than any school teacher would right, or any counselor or anyone, and we're not getting through to him because this is the school. So there's a part of pain. And then the other part is like well, he's going to have to learn and go through his go through his own. You know he's gonna have to learn the same way we learned and and, and I was seeing what the frustration was in that.
Speaker 2:
Honestly, it's whenever you're having and I say a funky feeling, whenever you're feeling angry, upset, mad, and not to say that it was to that extent always ask yourself what am I not willing to accept? And I think the thing that was hard to accept is we have this best, we have this kid's best interests in mind and he's not following what we're saying. Right, I love you. You dropped a little gem in there. You said, um, we are a family of entrepreneurs and what that means is you were insistent on establishing a family culture. All family, all culture means is people like us do things like this, which is an identity your son had the identity of. If you think of an entrepreneur, it means solving problems, critical thinking, collaboration, so he still had those skills. Did he go? If he went to college or not? But this is the beautiful thing he gets to own his story. He knows that he made a choice and, like you said, if he were going to fall as an entrepreneur, you know we have resilience. So maybe, as parents, you may have had to be there to help him pick up the pieces, but you also instilled in him the skills to bounce back Mm-hmm Right, and you need that if you're going to be wealthy. Af, as you said, wealth in your mindset, not only in your bank account, but also in your relationships, spiritual and so on. So he had resilience there as an identity. He had an understanding of perseverance to forge his own path, even going against the grain of of.
Speaker 2:
Whenever you look at conflict, in all relationships there's conflict. That doesn't define it. What defines it is how you deal with it, how you deal with the conflict. Um, I know he has more trust in himself now, having owned his choice. And in the moment it's not easy to see, and it may not even go as well, as you said, because he may have had a business that crashed and burned, that's right. But he knows that he took that risk and, if anything, that contributes to his entrepreneurial spirit. But in the moment we have to understand and that's why I teach parents to be a trustworthy present. Trust is based on three things One, person's telling the truth. Two, it makes sense to the person. What you were sharing with your son wasn't necessarily making sense to him. But, and the third one is they have to know you're working in their wellbeing.
Speaker 2:
So I believe you're working in his wellbeingbeing, and I mean just, your logic wasn't aligned with his, which is why he made the choice he did and however this is what I'm going to say if you were trustworthy for a long period of time, you're building a foundation to which he can come to back to.
Speaker 2:
He has to go out, he has to take a risk. That is actually part, that is a part of adoles, but you thought it wasn't a healthy risk. Understandably, because debt is crippling and it breaks the spirit of a lot of people is actually working with preteens, and I heard you say it's not as stressful, and the reason I hear you say that. But the reason I choose to work with this age group is because there's no meaning without context, and when you set the context early enough, you control the conversation. And it's not about control. It's about establishing an identity inside them so that they can be confident in the choices they make and they can be resilient when things fall apart for them at an early age when the stakes are low. So that's the whole point of working with this age.
Speaker 1:
How do you do that? Please, let's give the listener some meat and potatoes, right? Because what you just said is absolute gold. How does a parent that has a 10 year old, nine year old, do that? Right? Give them that, um, control that narrative in the future. I wish I would have had you around to have conversation with you. It's for that age, right? I think you know my daughter doesn't mention anywhere we're, we're, we're a family of entrepreneurs. I just posted on my Instagram my daughter just opened up her own art studio here. She's a tattoo artist, so she's always been into it, so we're a family of entrepreneurs. And I was just telling my wife hey, man, we, we were young kids raising kids, and we did the best we could, but ultimately, man, god has been good to us. We didn't do so bad. But I and and I wish I would have had I would have known some of the things I know now like known, because there's about some gems about to be dropped here. How do we do that? Because it gets tough. When they're in their teens it gets tougher, you know, they think I used to call my two boys my two oldest boys.
Speaker 1:
I used to call them Google and Bing. Right, remember Bing, the search engine, and Google, because, no matter what we told them, they know, I know, I know, you know, you know that tree, yeah, I know. So that was their nickname Google, bing, you guys know everything. I'm going to go to you guys to search and research, to do research, because you guys know everything. That was a funny joke I had with them. But how do you do that? Tell us, give us some meat and potatoes.
Speaker 2:
First thing I would say is and easier said than done, don't take it personal. I laugh when I'm dealing with teenagers who know everything in the life experience.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, exactly yes you got it yes.
Speaker 2:
I remember I just came off a podcast. I used to be angry at my dad when he would say you'd understand when you get older Because he would shut down conversations with that. And now understanding a lot of what influences my work is. Somebody has said why do I do what I do? I have many origin stories, yet one of them is I'm that coach that I wish my dad had when I was growing up. There you go, because he was an adult in the room, so he sets the tone of the conversation. Kids they don't communicate fairly. But to answer your question, really you have to put your oxygen mask on, you have to be a trustworthy present parent and you have to be integrated.
Speaker 1:
You have to be their firm no-transcript, as I think back to those days you said they don't play fair, they don't communicate fairly and, if you are, as an adult, you don't have the proper training. You don't have the proper training, you don't have the proper coach, you don't have the proper resilience or the proper strategies within yourself. It's frustrating. I didn't. We were 18 and 17 when we had our first kid. So we were just kids, literally kids raising kids. So it's very. Now I'm older. So now it's like my oldest says to my youngest he's like dude, you got it easy and that's that. It's not that he has it easy. It's like, hey, dude, it's just I'm older, I'm wiser, so I know how to manage the narrative now I'm the last.
Speaker 2:
I'm the last son of four, and when my brother used to say that it it's just like no man, dad just got tired.
Speaker 1:
No, he didn't get tired. I'm telling you, he didn't get tired. He just got smarter. He got wiser. He got wiser. That's what it is. He got wiser.
Speaker 2:
Just to finish that other loop when I got older, I get it, I get it and I close that loop with my dad. Um, to answer your question that the show-up framework goes through four steps, it's um start with a strong identity, because all action happens from my identity. That's, uh, james, clear and atomic habits. But we all know we, we know we are this. That's why we do this. Um, in setting up the identity, I talk about virtues and values.
Speaker 2:
Virtues are characteristic traits by which you're working towards the well-being of others and you're working towards the well-being of yourself, and these are actually found in all cultures, all religions. Um, it's what it is to be human, such things such as bravery, um, curiosity, leadership and so on. This is actually from positive psychology, right? So then, these 24 traits, five of them are expressed most in individuals. They're unique to them. There are five that are unique to you, five that are unique. So we're starting there of hey, what are these characteristic traits for you?
Speaker 2:
Values simply just means what's important to you. For your daughter, it might even be she values art, the appreciation of something beautiful. For your son, it might be he values social connections. That's one of the only reasons to go to college these days. But you know it's what do you value when you take your virtues and values. You know who you are. It's not anything out there. It's not a hashtag, it's not anything out there. Now, what you did was beautiful in that there's family values, that's collective culture, collective identity. You establish that at a younger age and you let them understand. You're going to go off, you're going to do your thing. I'm just waiting on the remix, because if you're going to do your thing, I'm just waiting on the remix, because I'm doing. I'm doing the same thing next to you.
Speaker 2:
This is human development, and I'm doing this. Second thing is H hold space for collaboration. Oftentimes, when kids are going through troublesome times, during like that breaking up that I was telling you, they think what's wrong with me. And that's when you say, baby, there's nothing wrong with you, these are just growing pains. And and that contention is when they're not living up to our expectation. We have to say, hey, invite them into the conversation, say, let me get your ideas, your thoughts on this. That's active listening. Then you let them know what the expectations are and then you turn and say let's face this challenge together. I'm not against you. I'm helping you solve this problem.
Speaker 2:
Because when people aren't meeting your expectations, it's one of two things. It's either they don't have the skills, they don't have the support, or it could not be interesting to them. It's just they really don't care about it. But oftentimes, if they want it, kids want to do good. You know Kids want to do good. It's just they don't have the skills or they're not supported and in doing that they think something's wrong with them. It's like nothing's wrong with you. This is what growth is. Nothing was wrong with you and your wife at 17 and 18 trying to figure life out. I remember my brother was just like that and I remember I was like mid twenties and I told him, dude, by the time you were my age, you had two kids. His wife had to drop out of college to take care of them. Mind you, they're doing very well as e-commerce entrepreneurs and himself as a programmer. I said, dude, I don't think I could have done that at your age. He said, marcus, there's no right time to have a kid, but there is a wrong time. And he said when it's that wrong time, you figure it out like that's, that's when it's all hands on board, like no bs, just get to it anyways. My point being no shaming, no blaming, no complaining to him of when you're going through troublesome times. It's just they know how to show up in that time. So hold space for collaboration.
Speaker 2:
H is open up communication. Quality of your communication is directly related to the quality of your life, and communication means how you do talk with others, yet Also how you talk with yourself and their strategies and tactics by which you can open up the communication with your kid, how you can pass on your beliefs without being preachy. I could probably give you an example of maybe the situation you brought up. Let me show you now, right, so it's ABC of maybe, the situation you brought up. Let me show you now, right, so it's ABC your son.
Speaker 2:
You and your son are going back at it. He's saying he wants to go to college. You're like, hey, I don't want you to do it for all these other reasons. Open it up to accept what he has to say. And what you're doing is you're validating him and you're like saying, I see this, yeah, I see this, I understand, read. But just like, give him space to express himself so that he knows my voice is valid in this conversation. B would be to build upon it. It's showing you that you're actually understanding him and you're making the point actually for him. What that does is that breaks down the contention and it's just like, okay, yeah, I know, this person sees where I'm coming from.
Speaker 2:
And then you challenge with curiosity, just dropping a question, because you never change a person's mind from the outside. You always change their mind from the inside out. And what a question does is it's not attacking the person. It says you know, I wonder what would happen if you had this mountain, mountain debt of all these other people. Or, you know, I wonder if you took this route and actually doubled down on the business before going to college and you could do it in tandem and then you actually try to come up with a solution together. Now, that's all hypothetical, that's all in the past. That's one approach you could have had. Another approach would have been to speak of why you came into that belief of debt. There's a reason you have that belief. That's why it's important to me yeah.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah. And and when I know too many people in that that are broke and struggling and can't make it and it just didn't work. It does most people. I know that's the well, most people that I went to college, that's their situation.
Speaker 2:
They're struggling with yep, that the system set up like that in a sense, if you're not quick to the system, so what we do do is we say me, we. And then you bring them in. You say, look, this is what I believe and this is what we believe as a society. Oftentimes this is what happens. And then you invite him, make it relevant to him in the conversation. Again, we're opening up conversation not to change their beliefs or let me not say not to change, but rather to respect their voice in the conversation, knowing that they're going to make their own choice eventually. But we want to steer them towards healthy risks. That's the thing a lot of parents get messed up on. It's like if they're doing something else, it's not personal and it's not permanent. But again, that's wisdom that comes in time.
Speaker 1:
Yes, sir, it is, and I got to tell you at the moment and time when you're going through it, it feels permanent, it feels personal, it feels permanent and so this is why these are great strategies that we're giving to those folks with those kids, right, or other kids are coming up and it feels personal. Man, it hurts. You're like it's shit. You know I'm doing the best here and I, really, you know, as a parent, you have like it's shit. You know I'm doing the best here and I really you know as a parent, you you have your child's best interest. You, I remember, you know you said your your dad used to tell you, you'll know, I, I tell my kids, my wife and I both tell our kids that you'll know when you have your own kids. You know, um, and I and I tell often my boys, one day you're going to be the man of your house and you're going to have to set standards and rules and things in your house. You don't know when you're. You know I'm setting you up, I'm teaching you accountability because I'm setting you up to become that man and, um, one day you'll know when you are that man. I'm waiting for that day still there, when they have their own families and and they're like yeah, dad, I get it, I know what you're saying, I get it now, um, but it's painful and it's and it's and it's. You take it personal. You cannot, not, you know, um, tony Robbins, I'm a big Tony Robbins fan, tony Robbins guy and Tony Robbins, in one of his, in one of his events that I went to, he said the hardest, and Tony is the best of the best in this coaching game, right, the best of the best, the top of the game coach, best athletes, top of the top.
Speaker 1:
And he's like the hardest people to coach is your own family. The hardest people Tony Robbins said this the hardest people to coach is your own family. The hardest people. Tony Robbins said this the hardest people to coach is your own family. And it's because it's so hard to take out the emotion, the love, but you can't remove love, you can't remove that. I care for you the way I care for you, right? You can't remove. So it's like, man, if I could just take what I have here and just put it in your head, right From transferring from my head to your head, you can see what I'm talking about, you can see what I can you know, and it's just, it's tough man.
Speaker 2:
Two things on there, right, you're supposed to share your perspective with them. You have to honor that.
Speaker 1:
They got their own perspective, dude, that comes with time, brother, that comes with time. I get you I. That comes with time, brother, that comes with time. I get you. I get that now. Yeah, yeah, you get it now, I get it now. Looking in hindsight, now I can have conversations with my kids and they're adults now. And it took me growing too. It took maturity of my set and my wife got it way sooner than I did.
Speaker 1:
She just is smarter than me. She's just better In these areas. She's just better. She's just in these areas. She's just significantly better than I am. And she's like hey, you got to let the kids be the kids and you got to be able. You think she tells me she's like you don't think. Sometimes I'm there at the table and they're talking their crazy smack and I just don't feel like selling them something. But I just hang in there, cause it's exactly what you're saying, right? I let them have their voice. I let them and I know that eventually they're going to come around and I share my, my. She's just. She knew that intuitively how to do that. I don't know how she figured it out, but she did, and she had to coach me up on it, that's for sure.
Speaker 2:
One thing worth noting we weren't meant to raise our kids by ourselves, right, and let me explain that. There's this book called Mothers and Others it's called Alloparenting. But that's why community is important. I mean, we have our titas, our aunties, your uncles, your grandparents, your coaches, your teachers. You need other trustworthy, present adults in their life Because, like you said, there's that emotional attachment. The one person who knows your insecurities is yourself. The person who knows it second best is your kids Family 100% Right. So that's why you need other people to speak inside their lives.
Speaker 2:
Angela Duckworth says every kid needs at least one psychologically wise adult in their life. And what that is? It's a person who they trust, led into their mind to walk with them in sorting out these thoughts. It's kind of hard when it's as close as a parent, because in a story, everybody needs an antagonist, everybody needs something that's against them. Oftentimes, when we're writing the first part of our story, that's our parents, whereas it's like dude, your parents aren't against you, depending depending on. Most like dude, your parents aren't against you, depending depending on, but most oftentimes your parents aren't against. It might feel like it, it might seem like it, and that is. You have to go through that resistance. But how do you navigate this as a parent to sit like? My role is that work with the parent to say create, create the space for them to flourish the teen while still you're present and they trust you. On the opposite end of this, because on the back end of this it's something beautiful.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, on the back end of it, what happens and what I'm seeing now is that, despite the challenges and the teenage years and I intuitively knew this would happen, because I saw it evolve in my life with my parents, right Is they start to slowly honor more what we did and appreciate more and see the things and start to see some of those things. And we can have those conversations. But now you know again, you get older. After four kids, with the fourth one it's still frustrating sometimes, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I mean, as a parent, you're like shit them out and ask questions, right, and ask those questions. Well, what if?
Speaker 2:
Let me see how this resonates with you. I heard this this is from Tony. Oftentimes, when we experience something, it's not the thing, it's our understanding of the thing and how we're experiencing. And this is for sure, tony. He says the three things you control is where you put your attention focus the meaning, the meeting, the focus and then the meaning we give to that experience yep, and then the action you take on it and you control all of that. So then, whenever you we end up frustrated, it's like what am I focusing on? Why am I being frustrated by this? Am I choosing to respond in frustration? And and that's not to blame the parent, but that is to give power to the parent to say you own this, you can own it, and it's finding that space in between where you could hopefully dissolve. And the frustration is not bad. Emotions aren't bad. Own it, but what emotions do is they're a signal to your understanding of what this is.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, which is absolutely beautiful. So when a parent is having that conversation that you're like, holy, what is this kid talking about? Like, where did he learn this? Like, where is this new thing coming from? Right, Because I remember my kids coming home. Listen, I had one of my kids. We used to take him to church every Sunday. We made sure we were in church every Sunday. We wanted to make sure we gave our kids we knew that just because we took them to church, that they weren't necessarily, but we wanted to give them biblical foundation. That's just my values and my principles for my family. That's what we decided.
Speaker 1:
And one day, one of my sons come home and he's like I don't know if I believe in God. And I'm like, what are you talking about, kid? Like where the heck is this coming from? You know what I mean? Like what Right? And my wife was cool and collective about it and I was like what are we talking about here? Dude, Do you know how blessed we are? Do you know how lucky Do you think? I did this? You know what I mean? I'm trying to think of it. I do this, man.
Speaker 1:
I was 17. I was 18. Look where we live. Are you kidding me, I'm not that great, Are you stupid? What the hell is going on, and my wife is cool and collective about it. How do you manage that, Like? How do you navigate?
Speaker 1:
You know, in those moments, like something for me that was a big, that is a big deal. It's one of my foundations, one of my values, right, that is a big deal for me, right? I believe in God. Yeah, I curse, and that's who I am. I'm being authentic, but I I'm very centered in my faith and I know I'm not that smart and I tell my team this all the time hey guys, I'm not that smart. I go every morning, I go into prayer, I put it in God's hand and then I go to work, and then I go to work, and then God does the rest and I leave it up to God to make sure that the opportunities and that things work out for us. But then I just go to, I pray and I go to work. How do you, how was? How can one regulate their emotions and something that big when your kids come with some off the rack shit like that, Like they just come off with some like what are we talking about here, kid? Give us some strategies to navigate those moments.
Speaker 2:
This is the thing, though, right martin, your values, this, this may be a hard pill to swallow your values are not your kids values. Yeah, you want to pass them on, you want to share them, you do want to influence them, right, but you have to understand your values are not their value. I'm just curious, real quick, maybe why is it your wife was so cool about it, cooler about it, you know, and I love how you owned it. In the conversation, you said, yeah, I value it and this is why, again, coming to that conversation, you could share with your son why you value the divine presence. Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established.
Speaker 2:
Most definite, you know what it was to come through hard shit, and you know where the Lord has brought you from. Most definite, you know what you seek first, and then all these others will fall at it, onto you. So you share that with him and you know what. You invite him into the space for him to express himself, and I know it's easier said than done on things where you think it's salvific or at the heart of what life is. If you can plant those seeds now of I can let you have your opposing views, and I'm not trying to shut you down In other issues later on.
Speaker 1:
He knows that he can trust you to open up. Yeah, you're 100. Right, you are. You know how I know that? Because, because I took that approach, it took some time of shutting up and listening and taking the cool approach right, be around me.
Speaker 1:
For him to be more himself around me, if that makes sense, right, yeah yeah um, so, but, but, but because, because, um, my wife was always a cooler head, the cooler head of the two, right, when it came to it, the kids would talk all kind of craziness around her, right, right, and she, and so you know, they would just talk and just all kind of crazies, right, and then she would bring back the info to me and that's how I would stay informed. But she was like dude, they can't with you because of exactly exactly what you're saying. Exactly what you're saying. She's like they change when you're around. Because they can't, because you're too, you're coming hot.
Speaker 2:
Two things right. I hear you say they would speak craziness. One of the definitions of craziness is your understanding of the world does not match reality.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. So then when you say they're speaking craziness like now, mind you, they're literally trying to figure out the world. So they don't have it figured out yet. So some stuff they're going to say does not match your reality of when you understand the beat. Yeah, so it's going to appear crazy, but then more so if they know they can't say craziness around you. They don't know what they could say around you because craziness and insane stuff is coming from the same place. So I'm going to shut up when I'm around you.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that's exactly what my wife said to me. She was like they can't, they won't, say this or that because they don't know. They don't know how you're going to respond to one idea that they have or one belief or one thing, because they know you're so. You know, as a father, it doesn't come off. It's not that the love is so deep that you want to give what you have and you want to protect. It was coming from a place of protection. It was coming from a place of caring. It wasn't coming from a place of opposition. I'm going to be your opposite and you're stupid. No, it's like.
Speaker 2:
I'm not trying to control you. Yeah, you know I was like I'm not trying to control you. Yeah, you know I was about to. I was I was gonna say this to you, martin. Um, right, when you said, but you know, I wanted to make sure I was like and you know what I hold no shame, no blame and no complaint towards how you're acting, I will say that sounds like a Martin problem of what Martin has to work out, or a challenge. You know, and you're figuring your character out, your child might come up and say you know what? I understand this, understand this about dad in wisdom when they reach that wisdom age.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, it's different now. I've grown, you know they're adults now. So now we can have conversations and I understand that, hey, your values are not my values. These are my. This is who I am. I've grown to the point that, hey, I'm clear on who I am. We have to navigate and help you get clear on who you are and who you want to be and what you want to stand for. And that's okay. Who you are, who you choose to be in life and what you want to stand for, is totally fine. Right, I accept it. No-transcript friends.
Speaker 1:
She kicked me out of 16. And for a long time I resented her, but we're really close today and to this day. If my mama, if you know, there's certain things I just won't do that. If my sisters say dumb shit and I'm like dude, how dare you say that to my, to my like, what do you think I won't do that like, how do you do that? So you know, I mean, how would you say that or even behave in that way, or even that's just me personally, my values yeah my mom tells me to shut up.
Speaker 1:
I'm 45 years old, I'm shutting up. All right, mama, you know what I mean actually, what she doesn't. But if you would, I, I just you know, out of respect. You know what I mean Actually, which he doesn't, but if he would, I, just you know, out of respect. You know what I'm saying. Just a thought, my friend. I know that you're running out of time. I really really appreciate the conversation. I think we gave some really gold nuggets here for the folks. If folks wanted to connect with you, marcus, where do they find you? Where are you on social? How do they connect with you? You, where are you on social? How do they connect with you? You are value to parents, man. You are a total gem for people going through that. Because you know, and I don't know how many men maybe there's some people out there that can relate to my experience guys, maybe, maybe, maybe they're a lot that can relate to my experience.
Speaker 1:
Like guys like I know what it's like to be in those conversations with the kids come with some craziness, as I call it, and you're like are you saying to me right now? And it's tough to navigate, and sometimes we need the strategies, like a show up strategy that you shared with us, or you need that outside source that you can be like hey man, kid said this, this, this and this. How do I manage this stuff here? How do I go about it? Because, dude, I just had to figure it out and you know, if I had someone like you in my corner that I could pick up the phone or I could meet with weekly I mean this really from the bottom of my heart, man that I could meet with weekly and be like hey man, I'm struggling here. You know there were sleepless nights. I'm not going to sit here and be asked, man, there were sleepless nights.
Speaker 1:
Like what in the world is happening here? Like, how am I missing this? Where am I missing it? Here? You know a lot, of, a lot of like I'm really high on accountability A lot of like what did I do? Where did I miss it? How could I have done better Like how, where did this come from? And it's not and it wasn't my fault. It's just a natural progression of what kids you do the best. I'm a big believer of our parents particularly do the best that they can with the resources that they have and once you come to that understanding man, it's like it just creates empathy for your parents.
Speaker 2:
And I loved how you call it the question behind the question of owning when the situation is, but owning your responsibility to make it right to meet your expectation. And that's where I come in as a communication coach. All a coach is is a person who has seen this pattern enough times that they can give you insight on meeting your internal expectations of how you want to meet. You can find me at marcushiggscom, my website, and then I'm on LinkedIn. I'm not on other platforms yet, but I'm building up the business there before spreading out. I was in the classroom for over a decade and a half and I knew that I could get a message out, a greater message.
Speaker 2:
mr rogers said if you want to help the kids, you help the parents and this was a place where I saw I could uniquely help the parents so they could reach out to me there at my website, and also I have a book coming out which is the show up framework. I'm going to put these ideas down how to nurture your preteens potential.
Speaker 1:
So, yeah, love it, love it. Thank you, sir, keep doing what you're doing. Guys, if you, as you know, my listeners, my avid listeners, you know that I'm a real big believer in coaching and just you know, having mentors around you and people to help you see what you can see, and simply what you said is, the coach sees the patterns enough time that they can help you and say, hey, this is a pattern I've seen and here's how you can improve, can improve and if, if I gotta tell you, if I'm a parent and I am of a pre-teen, that I'm not, um, I want someone, or even a parent of a teenager, right, shit, that even gets that's, I'd find I'd find some help. Right, I get some coaching seriously, because I know what's coaching's done in my life and up until this day, I still have a coach.
Speaker 1:
I have coach and you know you don't go to a person that you don't go to a business coach to get parenting advice right or you go to a business coach for business. You've got to coach for different areas of your life and parenting, being a parent, that is my most important role and we're not going to get that right 100%, but we do the best we can with the resources that we have and Marcus is a resource, if you allow it to be, so you know, when he writes his book, get his book, check out his website. I'm sure you're going to put it on the website there when the book is out. Thank you, brother, for coming on. Really appreciate you.
Speaker 2:
Barton, thanks for sharing your platform, and it's been a pleasure.
