Respect, Understanding and the Adoption Process with Anna Maria DiDio

Anna Maria DiDio, MSW is a writer, speaker and educator who has devoted her time and talents to organizations focusing on women, girls and families. She is also the mother of two wonderful women.

In this episode of 'A Magical Life,' host Magic Barclay interviews Anna Maria DiDio, an adoptive mother and author of 'Love at the Border, an Adoption Adventure.' Anna Maria shares insights from her personal adoption journey and discusses the emotional struggles that adoptive families often face. She emphasizes the importance of honesty and open communication within adoptive families to promote overall wellbeing. Anna Maria's children's books aim to highlight adoption, foster care, and blended families, offering practical advice and exploring these experiences from the child's perspective. Additionally, she provides tips on creating personal and emotional wealth by acknowledging the unique backgrounds and cultures of adopted children. She also talks about coping with stress and weight management during the adoption process. The interview covers various topics, including the importance of support networks, cultural integration, and dealing with school-related challenges for adopted children.

Anna Maria is at her most creative when she is traveling and experiencing new people, places and things to eat – then writing about it! She lives with her husband Richard in Philadelphia.

Connect with Anna Maria and find out more about her books on her website https://www.amdidio.com/

Transcript

Anna Maria DiDio: 0:01

the expertise around the struggles of, children in adoptive families needs to be understood by parents and adoptees alike. So the basic philosophy around that is that there's honesty, from both ends, which promotes family health and wellbeing and that environment of no secrets and truth and these honest discussions really, go a long way to help families. live together as best they can.

Magic Barclay: 1:12

Welcome back to a magical life. I'm your host, Magic Barclay. And today we are joined by Anna Maria DDO. DDOMSW, an adoptive mother who was inspired to write her memoir, Love at the Border, an adoption adventure after her own family journey to Mexico. Now her life is at risk. Adventures children's books feature stories about adoption, foster care, stepchildren, and all blended families from the point of view of the child. Anna Maria hopes that her books encourage open and honest exploration of what children are thinking and feeling when they're Within their own unique families, Anna Maria holds a BA in psychology from Villanova university and an MSW in family specialization from the university of Pennsylvania. She can be found at home in Philadelphia, walking everywhere, swimming laps, reading biographies, or baking chocolate chip cookies. Anna Maria's books can be found on Amazon, travel writing, and Other essays on medium and more information can be found on her website. A M D D O. com. Welcome Anna Maria. Thank you so much for having me. My pleasure. And this is a topic that we've never covered here before. And I'm sure that, you know, so many people haven't even thought of, but adoption really is such a great way to fulfill a family, to fulfill a child's needs, but there are so many, I guess, pitfalls and areas of concern for the child.

Anna Maria DiDio: 2:53

Yes. Adoption begins with the traumatic separation. So it begins sort of with. grief and loss. But as you said, it is, uh, just a tremendous way to create a family.

Magic Barclay: 3:08

Great. Now I ask all of my guests the same three questions and everyone gives me such different answers and yours certainly coming from a very Different way of life being adoption, because I don't think it's spoken about enough. So here comes your first question. And that is what can your expertise do to accelerate health? Not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual health.

Anna Maria DiDio: 3:36

Well, the expertise around the struggles of, children in adoptive families needs to be understood by parents and adoptees alike. So the basic philosophy around that is that there's honesty, from both ends, which promotes family health and wellbeing and that environment of no secrets and truth and these honest discussions really, go a long way to help families. live together with, uh, as best they can. Adoption happens, at infancy. And as in my case, we adopted an older child whose transition was quite difficult. So understanding all of these hurdles and all the things that adoptees go through, is really important for families to grow in love together.

Magic Barclay: 4:27

I'm guessing there must be, you know, a fair bit of. emotional turmoil, not only with the adoptee, but with the adoptive parent, you're changing your whole life to welcome another human being into your family. And they're coming with their own problems. Even if they're a baby, you know, they'll still feel that detachment from their mother. Are there particular ways that you. change? Is there, you know, some, coaching or counseling that you give other families or can children find this in your books, ways of coping with the change?

Anna Maria DiDio: 5:07

Well, I offer some hints for parents at the beginning of my children's books. I'm just about to release, the third book in this series. And each one approaches adoption in a little bit of a different view. but basically, I advocate that parents do a lot of research and reading and know what they're getting into. Beforehand, count on the expertise of the professionals to acquaint parents with what, what hurdles will exist and, really be, be honest about what you can provide for that child. secondly is network with other, uh, adoptive parents who have been through this similar sort of situation and the support there is just tremendous. So those are, those are things I totally recommend as far as. Families preparing for the, um, uh, adoption of whether it's a baby or an older child, as we did, it really will help.

Magic Barclay: 6:17

Fantastic advice there. Now, we also talk about wealth here and people think wealth is just financial, but it can also be personal and emotional wealth. So, what are your top three tips to creating wealth?

Anna Maria DiDio: 6:33

Well, first is acknowledgment of, the situation that pertains specifically to adoption or foster care, is to acknowledge the, background, the culture, the individuality of the child who's now part of your family. In our case, we adopted a seven year old girl from Mexico, and we visited Mexico three times And became acquainted with the caregivers at the orphanage that were just tremendous women. And then just, because they were such wonderful people, we, we stayed in contact with them and that was really helpful to our daughter, to have that link. We fully embraced her culture. We tried to incorporate cooking and events and we took trips to Mexico. And as I said, kept in touch with the women there. So that created sort of a cultural wealth in our family that was just so valuable for our daughter. As you can imagine, six or seven years old. She was going to bed one night in, in Cuernavaca, Mexico. And then the next day. Uh, waking up in suburban Philadelphia. So it didn't take too long for her to completely lose her Spanish. And we supported her, quest to, reclaim her language, get back her language skills for, for many years, hiring tutors and, and there was a bit of anger there. At one point she said to us, why did you adopt me if you don't even speak Spanish? And, you know, that was really not part of what I was thinking at the time. But, after, you know, years, her, participation in, of course, middle school and high school Spanish and eventually college level. She's, you know, totally fluent and now very active in helping the Hispanic community where she lives. So that, you know, created a wealth. I just saw such a change in her, her identity, self esteem and what, what she was all about. So it's just. Being aware of specific personal cultural touch points is very important.

Magic Barclay: 8:55

That's beautiful. And that depth of understanding there, I just love that. Is that is really the true cornice cornice. Is that even a word? I just made a word up. There you go. Listeners of, of wealth, you're giving her the wealth of language, the wealth of belonging, and the wealth of being okay with being Hispanic in, um, in A non Hispanic environment. I absolutely love that.

Anna Maria DiDio: 9:23

Yeah. We thought it was critical. We thought it was critical. It's just, this is, this is who she is. And, uh, we wanted to welcome that and embrace it.

Magic Barclay: 9:32

Great. Now, our final standard question is around weight. Have you ever battled your weight? If so, what was the trigger to win that war? And what can you offer the listeners around stress, which we know is a key issue in weight problems. And I'm guessing the stress of the adoptive journey probably had a fair bit to give you to contend with.

Anna Maria DiDio: 9:55

Yes, when you're living it, you know, looking back on it and to see the beautiful, professional, just woman that she's become, we say, Oh, wasn't that great. But, you know, living a day to day was extremely stressful. she exhibited all the behaviors of. what would all refer to as, you know, primal wound, just all the getting used to, um, her family, you know, in the beginning you think it's going to take just a matter of months, but it was years, years and years where she was constantly testing us as parents, testing our love, fearing abandonment. And we lived each one of those moments and, and it was, it was very stressful. So. From, from, oh geez, from when I was a kid, I was always very active, just, you know, running and I played basketball in high school and college and, was a lifeguard, loved to swim. And so those, Became, just sanity, moments for me and just the physical exercise we lived in a very small town, which was just perfect for walking. And I would, I can just recall just bursting out of the house and just going for a walk. the many times that we had either heated conversations or. Difficult moments or decisions. You know, I thought best when I was walking and talking to myself. And so I didn't necessarily have a weight issue, but if the the ability to move physically was was very, very important at one point. even before the adoption was, was very stressful and I, I broke my ankle and for, you know, weeks I couldn't move really. And it, it created such a funny, you know, fog in my head and it was actually, uh, you know, like a little bit of a depression set in. So I, after that point. You know, I never took, took it for granted again and, and really just treasured those times to, uh, just be active and continue that just moving was so important.

Magic Barclay: 12:10

Definitely. Now let's get into the nitty gritty. Tell us about these books. What can people expect? What sort of messages are in the books and why are you so passionate about these books?

Anna Maria DiDio: 12:27

Well, let me answer that question first, because after I wrote the memoir, I thought, you know, there really is. Something more here to say, yes, my experience was very valuable to write it down and I loved telling it because it was a really a mix of stress and fun and adventure and new experiences for our family and that was great. I thought, what's most important in this world now in terms of messages to children that are part of blended families, and that is one of acceptance and identity and, and seeing that there is grief in a, in a family that's lost. One thing that I, have Just really passionate about communicating is that, you know, even the love of an adoptive family, everyone goes into adoption with the best of intentions. You know, you want to create a family. In my case, it was due to infertility. And just the best of intentions, you want this family to be, so wonderful and, and special and, but that doesn't erase the family that is unknown to that child. So that child perhaps looks different than, than you or, depending on what age. The, uh, child is added to, to your home. in our case, you know, she experienced, other loving caregivers. different foods, different smells, different environments. Here you're thinking, oh, isn't this lovely? She'll have her own room and look at this home that we've created and she'll be so happy. Well, it was so funny when she, when she joined us at one point, we actually had Oh, I said we kept in touch with her caregivers. One of them visited from from Mexico in the very beginning, and she was telling her just she was bored. I mean, it was just so funny to me that she was bored her house and, um, because she was used to living with like 50 kids. Can you imagine how fun that is to live with, you know, 50 other kids and always be playing. So it never even occurred to me that she would be, you know, bored. It was just, you know, So funny. So anyway, so my message is, there's a little bit of a different theme for each one of the books. The first book is recognition of what is lost, in terms of family and then the recognition perhaps on the part of the, child that is a family ready, willing, and able to love you. and that's called Many People to Love. The second book is called How I Wonder Where You Are. And, the girl in the story is looking around and thinking, who do I look like? I wish people would say I look like my mother. They say it to my sister all the time. The sister in the story is the biological sister. And just how, how does one reconcile the, birthday of, perhaps acknowledging that, the biological mother is no longer in the picture. And the third book is about school anxiety and the, anxious moments children feel who do not have English as their first language. So, when children are asked to read aloud or put on the spot, there's, gotta be some, uh, love and understanding as to how children finally get confident in the classroom. So those are, those are kind of the messages that I'm, trying to send to parents and children alike to discuss these things, acknowledge that these are some of the hurdles, and issues that adoptive parents. Families must deal with openly and, open communication.

Magic Barclay: 16:13

That is some fantastic information there. Now, is there something we haven't discussed that you feel the listeners need to hear?

Anna Maria DiDio: 16:24

Well, one thing I wanted to mention is that thing my daughter dealt with, and that is that people have the best of intentions. And I said, not only families, but other people have the best of intentions. And there are challenges, not only. Uh, at home, but at school. And one of the triggers that I've seen over and over that actually is in one of the books is that children are asked to create a family tree. And that is just a wonderful assignment, but for adopted children or children in blended families, that's not such an easy task. So again, the books are meant to highlight some of the areas, some of the challenges. Uh, it's no one's fault, but that, that kids face these things and that again, they be dealt with, love and understanding and, together parents and, and children can have the best possible outcomes and discussions when these kinds of things, arise.

Magic Barclay: 17:21

I'm glad you mentioned having those discussions. What does that look like? How do you sit down? And start that discussion

Anna Maria DiDio: 17:34

well in my experience, they're often prompted by statement or a situation or circumstance at school or after school. So there are, as I said, plenty of school assignments. There's, talk on the athletic field or a gym class or at, you know, this is your body class or, at one point, you know, I can only relate a story that happened to us. And, you know, every, class, every school has its, health class where, you know, this is how babies are born. And that particular, you know, I didn't know when that was happening, but my, my daughter came home just in shreds in tears and the other girls. You know, we're all relating the stories of how they were born at the hospital and their story of how they came home and, and, and such. So, you know, that's something that adopted children need to, to deal with. And she was just so bereft and, and said she wished she came out of my tummy. And it was, it was just, I could do nothing for, you know, actually, you know, Two hours we sat there and just talked about that it was sad and I recognized that and I told the story of us meeting her over and over, and it's just something that is prompted often without warning, you know, the books can can somewhat prepare some of those situations. That's why I mentioned the family tree birthdays. to the nurse's office where there is no family history, so no, no family medical history. Those are the types of things that will prompt reaction questions, and if Families are prepared. They can be prepared for that kind of discussion.

Magic Barclay: 19:28

Thanks so much for sharing that. Now, normally we offer the listeners a freebie, but you've got so many great sources of info. So I'm going to send people straight to your website, which is AM D do.com. You're on Facebook at Anna dot ddo, also on Instagram at am D Do and people can find you on LinkedIn at Anna Maria. D Do what can people find on your website there?

Anna Maria DiDio: 20:01

Well, there are links. to the books for sale on Amazon and soon they'll be I'm getting another account so I can sell them in other bookstores and such, but they're for sale on Amazon. The links are there. Also on the website, are links to Medium. I write different types of articles on Medium. about either family life or some, actually some grown up topics too. And, on the website, there are some initial sketches from the beginning stages of the book that could be a coloring book. And I also have some recipes that were our family favorites for our mix and cultures, Latin lasagna. Well, we called it Mexican lasagna, but in the book, it's called Latin lasagna. So. Uh, a mix of what we tried to pull together. So everyone in the family could, could have, uh, what they wanted to eat and then some other family favorites that we enjoyed.

Magic Barclay: 20:54

Yum. Sounds great.

Anna Maria DiDio: 20:56

I hope you try it

Magic Barclay: 20:58

Thank you so much for joining us. I think this has just been such an important conversation to have, and I really do thank you for your time. Oh, it's been

Anna Maria DiDio: 21:08

a pleasure speaking to you. thank you for your such wonderful questions.

Magic Barclay: 21:11

Well, thank you listeners. Thank you for your time. We do appreciate and value your listening time and, you know, without further ado, please go enjoy life and really create your magical life.