Trauma Recovery Resources for the Special Needs Mom with Meghann Crane-Russ | Part 3 of 3

In this episode, we wrap up our series dedicated to trauma and how to cope with life's uncertainty. Learn how to harness the power of sensory grounding, strategic breath work, and even the right expression of anger to guide your nervous system back to a state of calm and presence. Each strategy we discuss is a step towards emotional well-being, designed to reinforce your sense of safety when the pressure rises. We share personal stories and practical advice that will leave you equipped to handle life's storms with self-compassion and confidence. We conclude by emphasizing community as a fundamental need and another pathway to healing your trauma.

>>>Click here to download the resources mentioned in this episode<<<

Connect with our Guest, Meghann Crane-Russ:
Noticing Growth, website
Instagram

Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

Join the Community:
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Chapters

• 0:05 Coping With Emotional Responses
• 11:17 Practical Techniques for Stress Relief
• 18:26 Trauma Healing Through Self-Regulation
• 28:54 Healing Through Community and Belonging
• 34:13 Coping With Uncertainty and Trauma
• 46:02 Trauma Series Conclusion and Recommendations

Transcript

Kara: 0:05

Hi, I'm Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible, and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. This forward has many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created this special needs mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome. Hello and welcome to the special needs mom podcast.

Kara: 1:17

This is part three of a three part series, and so you may want to go back. If you just jump in and right here, you might want to go back and listen to the first and second. However, like all of the other episodes, they do stand well on their own. So you can choose. Do you like to start at the end? Do you read that last chapter first and then go back and read the book? I do not understand when people do that. I'm like how can you do that? You're not doing it in order. Clearly you ca n see how I roll. All right.

Kara: 1:46

Rem ember back in that first episode where we shared the good news, the hope, the possibility, the whole reason that we're having this conversation. You know the one that points to the possibility of healing and learning the skills and tools of coping. That's what this episode is about. So our focus today is on what do we do with all this information? What do we do with all this learning? Where do we start? How do we start better coping and using this information for good? That's what you can expect from this episode.

Kara: 2:20

And you know what I thought. I'm going to do a little nudge. I'm going to do a little nudge. I'm going to do it. I'm going to say, hey, have you shared these episodes, this series, with your friends and maybe even community? I know a lot of you are already doing this. It's so fun to me when people connect with me in some way and say they learned about the podcast from somebody posting in a Facebook community, or mostly word of mouth, and of course there's the gram. So you sharing really matters, and maybe matters more than you even realize, because we never know who sees exactly what we put out there. So this is your nice gentle nudge to maybe step outside your comfort zone and share a little bit more than you might ordinarily.

Kara: 3:01

And lastly, before we get into the episode, I want to make sure that you know how to get the handouts and resources that we'll mention in the episode. There's a lot of resources, as in, maybe not like the quantity, but the quantity of support in the resources is profound. So I really want to make sure you get them if you want them, and what you can do is go to the show notes of this episode, click on the link that is abundantly apparent, and you'll have to put your email in and that way we can email them to you. So make sure that you don't miss that opportunity. Let's get right into the episode. We're going to do a quick recap of what is called polyvagal theory or other ways known as your autonomic nervous system. I'm going to turn it over to Meghann to do that, picking up where we left off from the last conversation.

Meghann: 3:50

So in our last episode we really emphasized you know how our brain responds to threat in our environment. when a threat is identified, what happens in our body, what the emotional response is and the behavioral response. so, what we feel and how we act when we feel that way. This episode is really going to be about understanding the emotional response, you know, learning how to cope with the emotional response and having insight and some tools to take a different approach around our behaviors, right when we feel that way. Basically, we spent a long time learning about all of this. What do we do about it? This is the what we do about it. episode

Kara: 4:31

So we now know that we can become what we're calling dysregulated, which means our nervous system is saying some things not okay, I need help here. I need to do something or change something so that I can be safe again. Let's take a look at a scenario and say okay, how do you help calm your nervous system in real time? So these are things to do or to practice, to move us back to what's called parasympathetic.

Meghann: 4:57

We're actually going to go back to the beginning of this and start at our brain, the chain of events that takes place. Right, there's a input. our amygdala and our hippocampus sound the alarm. Those are the main systems in our limbic system, right? Also known as our downstairs brain, which is what we talked about in the last episode. Our upstairs brain. Bring that prefrontal cortex right.

Meghann: 5:20

We talked about the language of the downstairs brain and the upstairs brain. The language of the downstairs brain being emotions, your five senses, your sense of safety and your body functions. Right, your autonomic body functions breathing, temperature regulation, et cetera. The language of the upstairs brain being abstract thought, a sense of time, actual language like words. And in the last episode I asked when you're with a highly anxious person and you try to calm them with words, what happens? They don't calm down, right, because when the limbic system is activated, you need to speak to it in the language that it knows. Nicely said, yeah, the skills that are going to be more helpful are emotionally based, expressing your emotion, somatic or body-based. So sensory grounding, breath work, temperature regulation, moving your body. That is where you are going to start. Is you're going to calm your body first? I have an unfortunate example. I think we all do. My younger daughter was swimming in our pool last summer and our beloved German shepherd puppy, who thinks everyone in the pool is drowning.

Meghann: 6:46

Abby went to go dive off, tried to keep her and bit her butt and they both fell in the pool.

Kara: 6:53

Wow, it's like that was love, but just kind of turned on us there.

Meghann: 6:57

So misdirected, not toxic love. Yes, and she, rosie had some toxic love for Abby. And I met my husband because I was at my office. I met them at the urgent care and it was like five o'clock and I was trying to figure out which one for them to go there. And I got there and she came to me and she was hyperaroused, right, and she's like, and I just like put my mouth right next to her ear and I just started breathing. I didn't talk to her at all and I just used my breath and I kind of embraced her so like she could feel my breath and we just breathed and then she would match my breath pattern, then she'd calm down and then I just keep breathing. And I did that with her for about five minutes before I even engaged with her verbally, right, because I really needed her body to calm down. And then the first question is what else do you need besides me right now and Daddy, to make you feel safe in this moment? I need to know that I'm gonna be able to do my swim meets on Saturday. And I said, okay, that will be our first question. We'll be getting to see the doctor if he will be able to do your swim meet on Saturday. What else do you need? I need to know that Posey's gonna get in trouble. Yes, posey's gonna get in trouble. Okay, posey's the pup? Yes, right.

Meghann: 8:08

So we calmed her body, we anchored her in safety and then, mommy, this was so terrible. Why did this happen to me? Right, we let her express the emotion. I know, baby, I don't know why this happened. This was awful. I'm so sorry. Is it gonna be okay? I'm pretty sure. I think it's gonna get a little bit harder when they put some stitches in your booty, right, but it will eventually be okay. Right, we're gonna make it through. Yeah, and I just anytime I felt her like escalating again. I just went back to that breath. You start with the body. You calm your body first. You get that limbic system to calm down, right. Another classic sensory grounding tool is five, four, three, two, one right. Five things you can see, four things you can touch or feel, and actually touch and feel them. Three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell, one thing that you can taste right, again, that limbic system doesn't know time. So what you are doing is grounding yourself in actual present moment time, like, where are you in reality in this moment?

Kara: 9:13

And has your brain then come to the conclusion then, oh, now, in this moment I'm okay, right, and it doesn't speak in time. I wanna go back to the story that you shared, when it's such a great example and I'm so sorry for your daughter's bum bum. Obviously she's okay.

Meghann: 9:30

She is. She's never gonna be a butt model, but she's fine.

Kara: 9:34

Well, most of us won't be, so she's probably gonna be okay too. Well one, I loved hearing you explain, like the tenderness of how you came to her, so it was beautiful. So thank you for sharing that. And I also wanna say that it's very likely if you were the one that witnessed her getting bit, your ability to meet her in that way may have been compromised. Now my guess is you actually have a very high facility with this, so you probably would have been okay. But I wanna put that in there because I don't want anyone to hear this and be like whoa, I could never do that, like I would be panicked, and just to recognize like sometimes this this is where if you do have a spouse to be able to have the spouse play that role when you need to go regulate yourself, so how perfect it was that you could come in and be very regulated already.

Meghann: 10:21

But I wanted to put that in there because I think it's important to recognize. Thank you for speaking to that, because what I should have said was, on the drive over, my mind went to I worked in a PICU, I know what then there's a dog bite. That's a mandated report. We're definitely gonna have animal control show up at our house. Possibly CPS come to our house. Oh crap, like I felt highly anxious, right Like.

Meghann: 10:46

I did a lot of regulation for myself before I got there. So I am not an emotional ninja, I'm a human. I have a body and an enough nervous system, just like everybody else, and I was able to do a lot of self regulation before I needed to show up to co-regulate.

Kara: 11:01

So thank you for speaking to that and that's the point of this whole episode is the introduction to the skills To be able to do that for yourself when you need it, not just to show it for others, but like to know when you need the support and then how and what to support yourself with. So let's just do a quick recap. I wanna make sure that we got all of the modalities that you just mentioned. This was so beautifully said, and what I heard you say is that we need to speak to the limbic system in the language that it knows, and the language that it knows is really more physiological, as in it's coming from your body, the experience in your body, back up to your brain.

Meghann: 11:45

Yes.

Kara: 11:46

Okay.

Meghann: 11:47

So again, that could be temperature regulation, right? So if you're highly anxious holding onto some ice cubes or splashing cold water on your face, it's why cold plunges are such a thing, right, that people feel like so good after a cold plunge or just getting themself in a very uncomfortable way into parasympathetic. Very quickly.

Kara: 12:07

So you're saying we can do the same thing with ice cubes, because this feels much more appealing.

Meghann: 12:11

Yes, yes, you can.

Kara: 12:13

Or I've also seen people put their face in ice, yes, or ice water or whatever. So yeah, okay.

Meghann: 12:20

Breath work cannot be understated, especially paced breathing. And I mean paced breathing and controlling the rate at which you're inhaling and the rate at which you're exhaling, and maybe you're putting a pause in there. But that paced breathing, where you're controlling the rate of your breath, is what regulates your brainstem. It helps more with regulating that downstairs brain. For example, if you're with someone that's hyperventilating and you just tell them to take deep breaths, what do they do?

Kara: 12:50

They go from like this to Big or not deep breaths.

Meghann: 12:55

So you're controlling the rate of your breath, pacing it out right or moving your body walking. This is where tapping comes in. Some humming actually can also be a really good autonomic nervous system regulation. And another one is what I call noodling, where you're tensing up your whole body at one time like a dry noodle and then releasing it to be a cooked noodle. Kids love this one, so we're gonna be dry noodle and a cooked noodle and a dry noodle and a cooked noodle, and that's kind of like a progressive muscle relaxation, but just a easier thing to remember and do.

Kara: 13:32

That I feel like. Tell me if you would agree, feel like it would be really good to help a child or ourselves process anger, to allow the anger to be in your body to the extent that you could squeeze and be that hard noodle but then to like release it over and over again, allowing your body to have that experience.

Meghann: 13:48

Yeah, and full disclosure. In our house it is totally acceptable to scream into a pillow if you're angry. That is an adaptive behavioral expression of anger. Yes, Sometimes if I'm with my kids and we're all dysregulated, everybody gets a pillow and we all scream at the same time.

Kara: 14:07

We have done a lot of this, especially around the time of my son's treatment, for the whole family right Because there are just so many emotions for so many of us.

Kara: 14:15

It's a really, really effective way and I also teach my clients something called anger and purpose where you actually create some space to allow the expression of anger in a place where it won't hurt you or anybody. Yes, because a lot of us and we won't go into the details a lot of us were taught that anger is a bad or dangerous emotion. So we're working a lot of that and we'll have to do another episode on that, because I saw your face. You're like ah, I want to go back, really quick though, to the breathing and so Back to the science of it.

Kara: 14:45

One thing we didn't mention in the previous episode is that the way that our breath works is is constantly. When we're breathing in and out, it's moving back and forth between sympathetic and parasympathetic, and the exhale is when our body's saying, okay, parasympathetic, we're okay, we don't have to run from anybody, we can let go, we can breathe out, right, because if you think, inhale, we're getting oxygen, so we can run. But exhale is when we can kind of, you know, let go of that. And I love the science behind this, recognizing that the breath a reason why everyone says breathe, breathe, breathe, and you're so sick of hearing.

Kara: 15:20

It is because it's one of the most accessible, conscious ways of Speaking to the subconscious that is our body, and that's why this works and that's why I love it. Also is because, as we've talked about, offline is so many of the apps out there are Speaking to your brain and you can't. It's not accessible, it's not helpful, right? So in this one especially, I teach people. I've learned something called the physiological side, where it literally only is tapping into your physiology, has not, you can think Whatever you want to think during it, but physiologically it works, Because science.

Meghann: 16:01

You know we talked about senses. The autonomic body functions right, being like your heart rate and temperature, breath, work, moving your body and emotion right. But the other language of the downstairs brain is that stress response or sense of safety, right? So a tool I often offer is grounding yourself in safety, right. What are your anchors for safety right now?

Meghann: 16:26

I'll give another example with my other daughter it was storming like heck up here on Sunday. We had some awful winds and rain. It was really scary. I was working and she came up into the room that I was in and she's like mommy, I'm so scared right now. I was like, it's okay to be scared. I know it's loud and scary. I said, abby, what can you think of right now? What can you look around or what can you think of that Helps you know that you're safe right now? She said I have you. I said, yep, you have me. What else helps you feel safe? She said I have my squishmallow. I said, yes, you have your squishmallow. I said what about our big strong house? She said yep, I've got a big strong house, you're right. So that was helping her queue into in real time. Mm-hmm.

Meghann: 17:10

What are facts around you that you can touch. Name see that enhance your sense of safety in this moment, mm-hmm, you know. And after that exercise with her I said how are you feeling now? I'm feeling a little better right now. We're gonna be okay.

Kara: 17:25

So, again, because our limbic system doesn't think in facts, it thinks in feelings, right, and I love that the mention as you taught us in the last one, that it doesn't think in time right and so like, for this experience that you were sharing with your daughter. You're presencing her to the real time where you're at, and so I love kind of building in the understanding of why the exercise that you mentioned five, four through two one is effective is because it's communicating in the language that your limbics system understands, that right now, in this space, you are okay indeed.

Meghann: 17:58

Yes.

Kara: 17:59

Great story. Okay, so you've mentioned a lot of different things, right? So we have a lot of different modalities, and I wanted to mention that Some of these are best done, perhaps, in a therapeutic setting with a trained professional, and some of them Not so much. They can be more applicable or accessible Maybe it's the better word Outside and so we're not necessarily gonna differentiate, like where you do what. What I would say is I want all of you that are listening to feel empowered that, even if you can't get to therapy, (whether it's a time, energy or money situation) that you still have access to what you need. to be able to get what you need now, maybe in the future therapy. But if you can't get to therapy, we're giving you also tools to continue and to actually move into healing. Is there anything you would add or say about that?

Meghann: 18:56

I'll just reemphasize you know that in order to do the actual trauma reprocessing, the first step and sometimes this can take a few sessions, I had one client that it took us a year is to help somebody understand how their brain and body responds, learn about what their triggers are and learn how to self-regulate. Mm-hmm.

Meghann: 19:25

In fact, everything that we're talking about today, which is understanding what your response is and why and how you regulate in the moment, is like the first stop on the okay, let's treat your trauma train. That has to be done. The individual has to have a capacity to self-regulate, even if it's just a little bit, before you even do trauma work. even if you're not in therapy now or never plan to, or you feel like it's inaccessible to you, like this would be the first stop anyways.

Kara: 19:54

I want to make sure that we further define regulate, because I think for a lot of people that haven't been familiar with this, what do we mean? What do you mean? Self-regulate? I'll take a stab, and then you can, of course, add what you'll add. Self-regulating is, in other ways, getting back to green. I always associate green because my son did zones of regulation, which is, I think, common a lot in the autism world, maybe others as well, but it's your ability to one recognize when you are dysregulated and to move back to regulation, and so that's what we mean by self-regulate.

Meghann: 20:26

I mean, you perfectly summed it up right. So we talked a lot about dysregulation, right, which is being outside of that window. So it was zones of regulation that would be either red or yellow or blue, right. Mm-hmm and then regulation is getting yourself back, getting to spongy, getting inside your window, you know, doing something active to change your level of activation.

Kara: 20:52

And again, that's going back to what you explained of speaking in the language that, yes, our limbic system is speaking in. Okay, wonderful, now that we clarified what self-regulation is. You share that self-regulation and learning how to Self-regulate is the baseline for starting this work, whether you're working with a trained professional in therapy or in other space. What next? Where do we go next?

Meghann: 21:18

Yeah, so when I work with new clients there you know we talk goal setting it's often I need skills, I want coping skills. Give me coping skills. Tell me what coping skills to use. Right, that's what they want these tangible things.

Kara: 21:29

I hear the same thing in coaching.

Meghann: 21:31

Yes, and that's what. When we talk about regulation, self-regulation, it literally just means using coping skills. Mm-hmm, if you have trauma, the coping skills you need to use are gonna be body-based Breathwork, right? All the things that we've been talking about in terms of, like, the language of that downstairs, brain, emotions, senses, body sensations, and the example I often like to use is Okay, do you go to Starbucks?

Kara: 21:56

I do Often. Actually not as much more because I got myself this really great espresso maker. But yes, I used to treat myself.

Meghann: 22:04

Yes okay, and if I was visiting you and I was driving in, your eyes were closed. Could you tell me how to get to your local Starbucks from your house?

Kara: 22:15

I could. Yes, several actually. And why? Because I have the map, I'm clear. I've been there many times. I've experienced yes, I don't even have to think about it.

Meghann: 22:27

You've been there many times. You go there often, right? You just know it. Mm-hmm, the more we use tools, the more we will go there more often. Mm-hmm.

Meghann: 22:38

So, practicing these coping skills, using them more, you will automatically start going there more often. You won't have to be as intentional about using them the more that you practice them. And so what this fancy word of self-regulation is is, when you feel off, use coping skills. And all we're saying is that the coping skills that we recommend if you have trauma are different than maybe what you have been using before. They're gonna be more body-based, they're gonna be more emotion-based, they're gonna be breathwork, they're gonna be sensory-grabbing, they're gonna be about safety.

Kara: 23:14

Yeah, definitely. And I'm remembering a document that I created a long time ago that I actually do have intentions of like making bigger, because it's actually a really cool document, where I kind of broke down the experience of some of these things in three different stages what I call the pre-game, game time and post-game. And oftentimes, when I'm working with somebody in the coaching setting, we're breaking down the post-game a little bit. Like, okay, what happened? But then we're gonna move to pre-game. Okay, well, what do you want to happen in the next time? How do you want this to go? And so we spend, just like a sports team, right, you watch films, you study and you understand what happened. so that then when next time it's game time you're in there, you still might not get it right away, that game, that first game, and I'd be like, oh, shoot now, but I see what happened at least now I don't have to talk to somebody.

Kara: 24:01

I see it right. But then eventually you're being able to use some of these coping skills in real time because you have put the energy in to you know in pre-game or post-game, to work them out. I love how you're explaining like okay, yeah, like you just haven't done them as much yet and so they're going to be like second nature, like driving to Starbucks after you keep practicing.

Meghann: 24:24

Yes, and I'm gonna add you practice when your distress level is like a two or a three. Don't start practicing new skills when you're at a 10. Yes, right, because you want to get some momentum. You want your brain to go oh, this worked. So when I feel this way again, the hippocampus goes oh yes, this thing again. We do this to make us feel better, right.

Kara: 24:44

Yeah, and so some of my long-time listeners. They will remember what I described as the evolution of a special needs mom. There's five stages, but the first one is stunned survival. Like you really are survival, you're just thinking of the basic things. Then we move into what I call stable, yet self-sacrificing. So that's where it's like still survival, because it's like I'm doing the things that I think I have to do to make everything back okay again. Eventually we exhaust ourselves there and recognize it's not working and we move to what I call the rebellion. And the rebellion is when we're safe enough to be thinking the thought like I don't want to be here anymore.

Kara: 25:21

What was once a maybe a big T trauma now has become chronic trauma, probably, but also to the point where, like, we're not so heightened that we can't do the work Right.

Kara: 25:33

So, like you're saying, the two or three, you're able to do it, even though it might still be difficult, but it's accessible to you.

Kara: 25:40

So I think that's a really good thing to mention. So obviously, as I've kind of emphasized, healing trauma can come from a lot of different places. And this is where you know I'm in the coaching space, right, and so I see a lot of coaching coming from the idea that thought creates feeling and feelings create actions, which is true, this is not untrue. But I don't think we can have this on an island and this concept and not overlay the impacts of trauma, because if then we start blaming ourselves, if we try to look at a feeling and emotion right and then track it back and blame it on a thought, a conscious thought we're having, we're missing the impact of trauma, and so that's where it's so important to have a practitioner that really gets both, because we don't want to also throw out our thoughts and not be responsible for them and actually be able to change them. But there is a danger in being coached without being trauma informed.

Meghann: 26:39

So you're talking about the interplay between thoughts, feelings and behaviors, right Behaviors and actions. Except, what trauma adds into that cognitive triangle is the urge for survival.

Kara: 26:51

And that's going to supersede everything. Is the idea here right? Yes, and so you could start blaming yourself like why can't I do this or think this? I think differently, and that's where I think it could be what I call dangerous.

Meghann: 27:04

Yes.

Kara: 27:05

Where you could start even turning against yourself even more, which is already happening because of trauma, and that's where I think is just really important to acknowledge both spaces and places.

Meghann: 27:17

Yes, I jokingly say cognitive behavioral therapy can feel a little bit like gaslighting when you have trauma. Just think differently. Don't think that way. What's why are you thinking that way? You don't need to think that way.

Kara: 27:30

That's why I'm honestly a little perplexed, why that is a standard of care for trauma. I don't understand. Maybe you could fill me in.

Meghann: 27:38

There is trauma-focused CBT, which is an evidence-based protocol for trauma. It is different than just regular old CBT. But if you're not with the clinician that is trained in that trauma-focused CBT modality and they're just like, there's no reason why you should feel safe right now. Let's reframe that thinking, that automatic negative thought is maladaptive, or switch it. But you don't have that trauma-focused lens, then that's what I mean.

Kara: 28:05

Yeah, and this is why you and I both probably meet people that have been working with a therapist or had been, and they unfortunately haven't gotten what they wanted. Yes, let me be clear, it's not because therapy is not amazing. It's because perhaps it wasn't the right practitioner for you, for what you needed.

Meghann: 28:22

Or the right type of therapy. Yes, thank you.

Kara: 28:25

So I want to talk about what's called co-regulation, or what happens, I should say, in community, which is co-regulation. I'd love to just hear your experience, your perspective and why this is such an effective way for all people, but particularly, I think, this community, of really supporting themselves.

Meghann: 28:44

We are a communal species. We have safety in numbers. We have always lived that way in community. We are safe when we are in our community. Humans have endured awful things over human history and a lot of the way that people have gotten through historically is with the support of their community. That co-regulation is like. we have safety together. I've got you, You've got me. You're not alone. We're going to be OK.

Meghann: 29:12

We're not OK right now, but we will be OK if we're in this together. that shared understanding, that true empathic understanding. That also enhances the sense of safety. You really understand what I'm going through and you care, and so that is healing. We can have healing through relationships, relational healing. You can process trauma through relational healing. You're not the only one. This isn't your fault. Oh, this happened with your kid too and mine. Oh, maybe it's not that I didn't do a good enough job or I didn't do what I was supposed to do. That's why things like support groups and AA and other communal healing spaces have stuck around Church spirituality, that community of people together that enhance safety and offer healing just from being safe and secure with other people.

Kara: 30:15

Yeah, and what I want to add is I obviously listen and am inside this community a lot and I'm always kind of getting a pulse on what's going on. And I think one of the core themes of being part of this community is feeling like you no longer belong, especially to your old community. So part of the experience that likely is traumatic for many of us of becoming a special needs mom, no matter how it happens, is that we don't belong anymore. And so there's this time in which we know we don't belong to our old community and we don't yet have a new community, and that's why I think the restoration of that belonging is also so healing. And also you can see why it's so hard and hurtful to have that lack of that.

Kara: 31:00

It's not a rejection, necessarily, but it might feel like a well, it feels like a lack of belonging which for us as you mentioned, we're communal species this is one of our core foundational needs. It is not like, oh, that'd be nice to have, no, it's like actually a need. So I think it's just important to recognize oh, that's why it feels so good and this is why I work with this community in groups. That's why I group Yay, it's also more accessible. But also it is actually more impactful than working alone, not to minimize the one-on-one but anything else to add on that belonging community aspect that you see from your experience.

Meghann: 31:40

I think you covered it really well and I think, as you know, sometimes the apprehension of finding a new group and will I really be accepted and will I really find the acceptance that I want when I had this really painful rejection is not the wrong word. The vulnerability that it takes to put yourself out there again with the hope that you will find what you're looking for, I think is why so many people in this community feel hesitant to join a group coaching or to join a support group or try to put themselves out there to meet somebody because that rejection was so painful, on top of the trauma of the event that happened.

Kara: 32:20

So the risk of not being met with that true empathetic experience. Understanding yeah, understanding, thank you and having someone try to fix you or change you rather than really just let you be, is unfortunate. And also it is real life. If we look at ourselves. We've all done it. We've all tried to make somebody feel better so that we can feel better, yes, and so it is hard to find a space that actually really can hold the space for that empathetic experience.

Kara: 32:52

When we are in the impact of trauma and, like I mentioned I think it was in the first episode of this series there's this tension between moving to the step to where we can start to regulate or self-regulate and holding on to what feels like life and might feel like control, like we'll use control as the example here. So it's like we need to move to actually recognizing and surrendering that control, because it actually is not what has us feel okay, but yet we maybe aren't quite there yet, and so I just wanted to kind of one normalize there is a tension here and why you can't kind of force yourself to do things. And how would you advise somebody that recognizes that they have this element of like really, really, really controlling, but that doesn't know how to let go of it.

Meghann: 33:45

You know, starting with some self-compassion around that right humans love control. Yeah. We seek it all the time right, In big ways and little ways. And so just normalizing that, recognizing what they're really trying to do is just feel safe, right, so knowing that in reality, you can't control something. So how do we make you feel safe in the uncertainty. that's the job, How do you cope with uncertainty?

Kara: 34:14

Well, I think it kind of brings us to maybe where we started, and there's this line that you've said several times, that we've both talked about, like how it's kind of like the core theme of this whole series, and that the task at hand is not to make these traumatic events not happen. We can't do that. Again, we've all tried, but the task at hand is to be able to cope with the uncertainty, and so it's actually so freeing and I hope like I felt like, wow, that feels so good to say that because, no, we don't have to be in control, which is great news, because we actually can't be. But when we really step into the knowing of that not just a little bit intellectual, but actually the experience of not needing the control, that gripping, tightness, we can experience uncertainty as actually okay because we have the coping skills. And I'm gonna add the word community because I think that that is so, so relationship driven.

Meghann: 35:12

And ways that you may cope with that uncertainty is either through coaching right or through seeking a trauma-focused therapy modality like an EMDR. I am an EMDR eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing certified therapist. which is a trauma-focused treatment modality. Other trauma-focused treatment modalities are that trauma-focused CBT that we talked about.

Meghann: 35:39

I don't know if you've heard of brain spotting or somatic experiencing therapy. These are all therapies that are specifically designed for trauma, or all those coping skills that we talked about. Making the choice to use one of those is also choosing how you cope with the uncertainty. Right, nice, yeah, and there are a lot of ways to do trauma work, trauma healing, like on your own right.

Kara: 36:04

I wanna mention a couple, because you had mentioned tapping earlier. I'm assuming not everyone will be familiar with that. It's also called EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique, and tapping is a tool that you actually tap on different meridians in different parts of your body while you do some scripting or some language, and it taps into your nervous system, like, if you even just think about like, you're actually tapping in parts of your body which is then communicating back up to your brain generally a sense of okay, I'm okay, I'm safe. It's very scientifically proven to support people with processing trauma. I use it all the time. I'm a big fan.

Kara: 36:45

And the other thing I wanted to mention is that there's also a it's a book Writing to Heal. But also you don't necessarily need the book, but there is a concept called Writing to Heal where essentially it's a different type of desensitization. I like this because it doesn't necessarily have to be done in a therapeutic setting, like you can use it at home by yourself without a practitioner. So I think it's important for all of us to be very well resourced Because, again, I'm like a huge fan of therapy and not every season will support that and so it doesn't mean you get to just stop doing the work or you have to.

Kara: 37:21

I should say it doesn't mean you have to stop, and that's good news. So what else comes to your mind, if anything that we didn't mention? And actually, before I let you answer that question, there's a lot of information here and we obviously can't cover everything in depth, but we do have the handouts and the resources that Megan has created and is sharing with us, and so those we wanna make available to you. She's very generously willing to have this be a resource for all of you, and you can go to the show notes of this particular episode or any of the others in the series to get them and use them. Print them, because they are really good. They're so full of information. Don't let it overwhelm you. Use it as a menu to consider what is accessible to me right now. Okay, maybe all you got is breathing, but that's okay. It's a place to start, it's a great place to start.

Meghann: 38:07

So yoga is actually a great one. Any type of mind body practice, right, not just the mind that is, you know, if you think of like calm or headspace. Those types of apps are cognitive, right. That's prefrontal cortex. Upstairs brain, downstairs brain is gonna be mind and body. So yoga, breath work. I know we've talked about it a lot but I'm just gonna reemphasize it here how important and easy to access. It's free. You have to do it anyways, right, just do it with intention. That was great. Spiritual connections, again, community. You know, tapping is also bilateral.

Meghann: 38:46

So part of what we do in EMDR therapy is what's called bilateral stimulation, side to side. So it's either you eyes are moving back and forth or you have tones going through each ear, or you self-tapped with, like the butterfly hug, because, for whatever reason, bilateral stimulation is very soothing to the downstairs brain. It keeps it from going into hyperarousal and so it kind of suppresses that response. So where do we see it? In nature? We tumours to it all the time, right? What do we do with our crime babies? We rock them side to side, right? All mammals find it soothing. Kitty cats need their feet like this. Oh, winter-isting, yeah, this is interesting. Primates in captivity rock back and forth. Bilateral stimulation, that concept of like a runner's high right, or you go on a walk and you suddenly solved all the problems of the world. You've been bilaterally stimulating yourself.

Kara: 39:43

Yeah, and that's why, like, even something as simple as a walk is a vote in the bucket of regulating yourself right. You might not come back from the walk and be like, well, I'm a whole new person. It might only take you down from a number 10 to number nine or maybe even 10 to 9.9. But I think it's important to acknowledge that, like this is not a one size fits all you don't go, do one thing and then all of a sudden you're okay. I keep meaning to actually make like a bingo, like a game of it. Like here, do this and do this and like, oh, you do all five and bingo, just to kind of have a fun way of looking at it.

Meghann: 40:18

I'm gonna give you a good spin on that walk, because if you spin on that walk, if you go on that walk and you spend the whole time spinning in your head and ruminating, you're on. That might get yourself to a 9.9. But if you go on that walk and you play a sensory based game where you walk a block observing all of the things that you can see and you name them out loud, and then on the next block you pay attention to all the sounds that you can hear, and then on the next block you take in all the smells, right, and then you feel all the sensations like what do I feel on my face? What do I feel on my hands? What do I feel on my legs? You engage in the world around you through your body, through your senses. You'll get down to at six or below. Promise yes.

Kara: 41:04

For real. Actually, she's not joking. Yes, I guess the point here is this stuff really works and that's such good news because we really need it and want it.

Meghann: 41:17

And back to that notion of control. The only thing we really have control over in this world is ourself and what we do in those moments. You can't control what's gonna happen. You can't control what the future holds, but you can control whether or not you use a coping scale in a given moment.

Kara: 41:36

Yeah, and not ever holding it against yourself when you aren't able to do that because of where you're regulation or where you are at in the process, having your own back. And I think one word that you mentioned just at the last part of this episode is that self-compassion. And so I think the gateway to doing some of this work is that stepping back a minute, a little bit of observation, and approaching yourself with kindness, with compassion, with curiosity, and having it be the thing, the little little thing, the little step that kinda gets you to perhaps just doing a few breaths. Yes, okay, that feels like a good spot to wrap this episode. Is there anything that you can think of right now, in this moment, that you want to add, as we do bring this episode in this series to a close?

Meghann: 42:26

Self-regulation right. Coping is a skill and we've talked about the importance of practicing it over and over right? But you don't have to do it behind closed doors, hidden away from the world. Part of co-regulation meaning like, not self-regulation as you regulating yourself, co-regulation as you helping somebody else regulate, and so what we do with our kids is we try to co-regulate them. Part of doing that is modeling self-regulation, right? So what that can look like is I lose my cool with my kids and then I go. Can I have a redo? I'm gonna take some breaths or I need to take a break and then I'm gonna come back to this and I would like to do this differently, right? Or again, I gave the example of like all of us screaming to a pillow together or like I model self-regulation in front of my kids.

Meghann: 43:21

It's okay to model that, so you don't need to go somewhere else and get yourself to cool and then come back. Do it with your kid right, because you're also teaching them what to do when they get dysregulated, and you don't have to do it in hiding right. Do it out in the open, normalize it, helping them learn about their nervous system as you learn about yours. You're not messing them up. You're actually setting them up for success.

Kara: 43:45

Thank you so much for mentioning that. So important to see what it looks like in real time, and I'm just even picturing somebody you know in a moment where they've noticed they're yelling or dysregulated, and putting you know your hand on your heart and just taking a couple of breaths and allowing yourself to just to some degree regulate. I wanna actually add this too, because many of the children in this community are not speaking and so they're not necessarily going to be, you know, yelling things at you like my kids might yell at me. But that the beautiful thing is and actually I say this all the time is that when moms regulate themselves magically, their children, it's not magic, are more regulated, you know, and vice versa, right, when their children are dysregulated, moms become dysregulated.

Kara: 44:34

Before these episodes, like you, may not have understood their relationship to how your child might be acting out or behaving in a response to their nervous system, knowing innately that your nervous system is not okay, and so kids respond to that. So it's so fascinating and I'm sure you see it all the time as people share in your own life and all of that. And this is actually when I loop back to say, okay, you really wanna help your kid. You really wanna help your kid? Great, what I'm gonna need you to do is actually help yourself, because that is the most effective way for you to help anybody. So, okay, thank you all for coming along the journey with us, the journey of trauma, and I hope that these three episodes have been enlightening, encouraging and hope filled, and both of us are a resource for any of you that are like I need more. I didn't understand this part. Reach out to us. Meghann's not as active on Instagram, but I think you're becoming. You're there.

Kara: 45:38

I just hired a coach, so I'm working on it, All right so she actually needs you to go over there so she can practice.

Meghann: 45:44

Yes, I do lots of g limmers. Give me lots of positive affirmation.

Kara: 45:48

Yes, exactly, or even just thank her for her generosity in doing these episodes together, and so we will see you on the next episode.

Meghann: 45:58

Thank you so much. This has been just wonderful.

Kara: 46:02

And with that concludes this series. I'd love to know what you thought. I'd love to know if you want more. I'm guessing you will and do yourself a favor, go over and follow Meghann on Instagram. All of her contact information is available on the show notes and I know that she would love to hear from you. And, of course, you can see how generous she is and I'm sure she would be glad to answer any questions that you might have after listening to this series.

Kara: 46:32

And if you're left at the end of the series with maybe a little bit of excitement, maybe a little bit of hope, like, ok, there is a place to go with all of this, I want you to consider that Pathway to Peace is a really, really great place to start, especially since, as I announced in the last couple episodes, that Meghann has agreed to come inside of the community to do this work side by side us. So I said, hey, you know what, things this good need to be shared, and so I'm bringing her inside to add to the resources of how I serve all of my people in the Pathway to Peace program. So when you consider that it's kind of a two for one, that if you were already thinking about what would it be like to get some coaching? Now you can be asking yourself what would it be like to get some coaching and to be supported by a mental health professional that has the trauma resources and training that Meghann does. All right, with that, we conclude the trauma series. We'll see you all in the next episode.