Stabilizing After Winter Break: A Community Huddle Episode

This week’s episode is a special one—our January Community Huddle! I sat down with four amazing moms, and together, we unpacked the post-winter break season. Think of it as a virtual coffee chat, full of reflections, laughs, and shared wisdom. ☕

Here’s what we covered:

• Post-Break Overwhelm: How to recalibrate routines after the holidays when everything feels disorganized.
  
  
• Guilt Around Self-Care: Why it’s so hard to prioritize yourself—and how to give yourself permission to take the breaks you need.
  
  
• The Power of Connection: How finding a community of other moms who “get it” can make a huge difference.
  
  
• Parenting Challenges: From navigating aggressive behaviors to juggling multiple diagnoses, we dove into the real, unfiltered realities of special needs parenting.
  
  
• Strategies for Calm: Including a simple “shaking and dancing” exercise to help process stress in the moment.

Want to join a future community huddle? 

• Sign up for my email list: Head over to my website at kararyska.com and subscribe to stay updated. All the details for future Community Huddles are shared there.

• Follow Me on Instagram: (@thespecialneedsmompodcast) for updates and announcements about upcoming huddles.

• Reach out directly: Have questions or want more info? Feel free to contact me through the website or DM me on Instagram.

Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Speaker 2 0:05

Hi, I'm Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flair of possibility. In your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone, or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome.

Speaker 1:13

Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. Today's episode is a community huddle style episode and I've got four amazing moms. With me, we spend time together and we're doing a little debrief now that we are post winter break season. Do some check in and we're talking about how to re establish our routine and kind of essentially recover from all the intensity. That it means for many of us having our kids out of school for winter break. Before we dive into the episode, I actually want to tell you about Cozy Earth, who is the sponsor for this episode. This company, I've talked about it before in the podcast, but if you're new here, this company, their goal is to help you create a sanctuary within your home. And We need that because many of our homes are where we are perhaps physically restricted to being. And we find ourselves here in winter, and like I mentioned, we're kind of figuring out new routines. I want to just put in a plug saying it's a great time to give yourself a little more cozy, to give yourself the gift of cozy. Quite honestly, I underestimated the value of having really luxurious and lovely pajamas. I was, you know, holding on to pajamas that were way too old, not cute. And I have now the classic bamboo fabric set of PJs, and I cannot tell you how much I love them. I find that I really like pajamas with pockets. I don't know, dresses with pockets and now pajamas with pockets. Just the, the handiness of it. Also the sensory experience of having such nice fabric has been, I don't know, I underestimated how much I would love it. So I want to give you an idea, and that is giving yourself the gift for Valentine's Day, like buying it for yourself, wrapping it and giving it to yourself on Valentine's Day. They even actually have a really cute fabric that's Valentine's Day. I suggest you check it out. And fortunately, they have given us a promotional code so that you can get 40 percent off of your purchase. I think it's phenomenal. So you're going to want to use the promo code SNM, special needs mom podcast. The promo code is on the show notes and you'll be cozy and potentially your partner or your husband will be relieved because they don't have to stress about how to honor you and love you while on Valentine's Day. All right, well, let's get in to the episode.

Kara 3:53

Well, welcome to the January edition of the special needs mom podcast community huddle. I have four amazing moms with me here today, and we're going to do quick little introductions of ourselves so that as you join, hopefully along with maybe a cup of coffee or a cup of tea that you can feel like. I we're all sitting around a living room or a coffee table or maybe a coffee shop if we want to get fancy and we're connecting and we're being with one another. So I'll start because I know some of you will be new to the podcast and we'll have no idea who I am as the host of the special needs mom podcast. And my name is Kara. I live in San Diego, North County of San Diego, California. I have four incredible kids, age 17, 15, almost 13, and 7. It's so hard to recall all those numbers sometimes, I have to say. They're always changing. And my 15 year old is a multiple brain tumor survivor. So Levi is his name. He had his first tumor when he was two. He was a little, little guy, and he had recurrence when he was 12. So 10 years later, when we were ready to celebrate the 10 year mark, we got the MRI that we definitely didn't want. So. We did a whole second round of surgery and radiation and, and all of that kind of stuff. So he lives with a, I still make this joke. I'm like, I don't know if it's funny. It's funny to me, but I'm going to say it's a cornucopia of disabilities, like an abundance, right? So he has a visual impairment. He has a whole host of, endocrine disorders. So a lot of hormones that are like, I always joke that he's manually operated where we, most of us are, are not, he is a manual. So we're doing a lot of. You know, outside observation dials and such to dial it in. he's officially diagnosed with autism. one of the conditions that I don't often talk about is called hypothalamic obesity. I gotta say, this one's been a thorn in our side the last handful of years. So, I won't go into a lot of details, but what that, means for us is that he is a food seeker. So we have all of our food secured in our house and that still is no match for a person, a body that his brain is telling him. He is hungry all the time. So that is a big part of our behavioral component. And, I think I left out he's hemiplegic. So his left, body was affected by his original surgery. So he is a part time wheelchair user, a really cool walker user. We got this really cool standing walker and sometimes not using his assistive devices at all. So the last year, we've done all of it, in terms of having mobility tools. Okay. Okay. It was a little longer than I intended, but, I think it gives people a little, snapshot of my life and I'm going to call on y'all to go next. So be ready. This is like you're going to get called on. Okay, Rachel, will you introduce yourself?

Rachel 6:58

Of course. I'm Rachel. I live in the Sacramento area of Northern California. It's just my husband, Matthew, and my daughter, Audrey. Who just turned 10 yesterday, and she has a, an extremely rare disability that nobody ever knows about. and it impacts her globally. So she is non speaking, she's still not quite independent walking. she is resilient and silly and. Sassy. Yes. She loves being silly. She loves silly phrases and words. So we can usually get her smiling for pictures. So, but yeah, she's pretty much, rocked my world since the day she was born. and that is how I stumbled upon Kara. at a rare disability conference a few years back, and it's really introduced me into the special needs community that I am in now, which is life changing for me. happy to be back and happy to see everyone.

Kara 8:06

So happy to have you here again. It's making me remember, that we forgot at the last huddle, I forgot to do our cheer. We have an official cheer now. If you listen to an episode, you might know, the end of our episode, we have to do our cheer and it's like, what is it? Okay. We got this. Together is the only way I actually wore the t shirt I made earlier today on my walk together is the only way that's our team chant. That's what it is. Not our cheer. It's our chant. So, don't let me forget to do it at the end of our call. Okay. Cause it's like we're huddling, you know, like, and then y'all put your hands in the middle and it's like, okay, 3, 2, 1, you know, like that, right? okay, Sarah, will you introduce yourself?

Sarah 8:45

I'm Sarah. I live in Pennsylvania, and I have, three daughters. They're two, five, and six. my middle daughter has medical complexities, and she has the George syndrome. and I met Kara, yeah, a while ago. It was a while ago. I think it was 2020. I think, yeah,

Kara 9:04

it was a long time ago now. This is crazy. Oh my gosh.

Sarah 9:07

and I feel like I've been able to keep in touch with you really well through your, posts and through your podcasts. So it's good to be back. Feels like I never left.

Kara 9:17

Good. It's so good to have you. You guys, are listening to this. You can't see Sarah, but she just has this smile that just is very, very contagious and it is just making me feel so happy. Thank you for being here. Okay. Brittany, will you go?

Brittany 9:32

Yes. Hi, I'm Brittany. I'm very, very new here. I was introduced to Kara through Rachel and, I live in Sacramento as well. And Rachel and I, after we finished recording this are going to go hang out. So I'm excited about that. But yeah, I live in Sacramento. I'm originally I grew up in Idaho, though, in Boise, and I have been married for, goodness, 23 years now, and I have four kids. My oldest is going to be 21 this year. He's in community college. He has an ADHD diagnosis. my second son is 18, just turned 18 and has severe autism, what's considered, you know, level three. he is non speaking. he's not potty trained. We have a lot of aggression and violent behaviors. he's in a special needs, autism school, that's nearby me here. where we live, and, he requires 24 7 supervision, so it's, it's a lot of hands on, and he's bigger and stronger and taller than me, so it's super fun, and then my next son is 17, just turned 17, he goes to the local high school, he's a junior, and loves to run. And then my 10 year old daughter rounds us out, and she is also autistic. she would be considered, you know, you can use whatever terminology you want, but she's, you know, higher functioning. You would say she goes to a local elementary school, but is in special needs classes there. And is able to go to her general education class at times. So it just kind of depends. So we have, I have two different genders with the same diagnosis, but vastly different needs. And so it's a little bit like watching a tennis match at our house. Sometimes you kind of ping pong back and forth. Like, what do you need? Okay. What do you need? What do you need? And it's very different things. I also have a podcast, it's called Moms Talk Autism, and I am on that podcast with three other women from different parts of the U. S. we all have at least one child with an autism diagnosis and neurotypical children. And, that's how I, I've met Kara through, you know, Rachel and, and other podcasts and other mom meetup groups.

Kara 11:37

Yeah. We're excited about that. Thank you for introducing yourself and for giving us the picture of the aspect of violence in your home. That actually has been something on my mind that I want to do a little bit more talking about. It's something that I relate to that is part of our experience and part of Levi's profile. also what got him essentially kicked out of school last year. Or this, yeah, I guess in 2024. So

Brittany 11:57

been there. Yep. Got, got you there. Yep.

Kara 12:00

Still, more to come on that, when I'm ready to talk about it even more, and when the lawsuits are done. okay. let's see. that distracted me. but thank you for talking about that. 'cause I think that it is a unique dynamic to have somebody that you love dearly. And you, you know, like advocate for and all the things and who would be considered physically abusive if there was any other relationship. So it is a lot for our nervous systems to handle. So we may not talk a lot about that today, but in future episodes, that is going to be on the horizon. Okay., chandra, would you introduce yourself?

Chandra 12:39

Yes. Hi, I'm Chandra. And, I am a mom of two boys. My oldest is 28, almost 29, and he moved to, Miami about seven years ago. And in November, He just made me a grandma, so wow, I can't, I'm sorry

Kara 12:57

if you guys can see her, like, there's no way in your mind that you're picturing grandma, like she's a babe, so I'm

Chandra 13:05

so excited. Yeah. And so I've been out there a lot lately. with, you know, I was there for the birth in November and then I came back with my younger son, over the holidays. So I was there for two weeks and that was interesting and great. But then my younger son, is 21 and he was born blind, and I didn't know that until he was born. And I'm kind of glad I didn't, because I think that would have just caused me a lot of stress, and, you know, if I did know. But he was actually born with a condition called bilateral anophthalmia, where he doesn't even have any eyes. Oh, wow. And so when they were trying to, you know, do the whole check of the body when he was born, they couldn't get his eyes open and they thought it was maybe swelling. And so, you know, right away, once he was born, I, we found out he was blind. I mean, it was about, he was about two months old when we finally got a CT scan to confirm what was going on. And as he was getting older, we could tell that his behaviors were a little different, but a lot of blindisms and autistic like behavior are very similar, like self stimulation and rocking and different things like that. But usually, regular blind kids outgrow it, maybe around two or three, and he wasn't. So it wasn't until he was actually five that he was officially diagnosed with autism. But with that, he went through the special ed program with the school district. And I just always found it hard because there's so many resources where I live and, you know, in general for autism, which I'm very grateful for. But, being blind is a very low incidence. So getting those. Really good services and the combination of those services has been a really big struggle and so I feel like he'd get a lot of autism services, but they wouldn't know how to adjust it because he was blind. So I've always kind of had this dilemma where he didn't really fit into the autism group because he's blind and it fit into the blind group because he's autistic. And so, just finding that, community, which you still find it because everybody's story, no matter what they're going through is so diverse. and now I'm at the point where he kind of technically graduated from high school, in 2022, but he's in a transition program that's still through the school district, and he'll be there until the end of the school year. And so now it's like, what's next? You know, that, that idea of like, wow, like my, my forever kid is, he is here now. And he's, you know, he's, he's verbal. He's very active. I have him in so many things. I'm probably like overly ridiculous with him. I mean, he's surfing, he's playing, doing taekwondo, he's in hockey. He sings, he's, it's like, he does so many things that I'm so, and I think I kind of overly expose, which is good and bad, just trying to get him to find something that he's passionate about, and to see, you know, him getting integrated in the community, and as he's getting older and in these other events, it's also a very big social. Aspect of his life, which is so important. So, you know, I'm looking into day programs and things like that as he transitions out of this and he's going to start this kind of college program that works with kids with special needs that want to get a job in the music and entertainment industry. And so we'll just see where that goes, but it's just kind of like a lot of like, okay, what's next? Because he's always been in this little bubble of the school district and protected with all of these them telling you what he needs and where he's going. And, you know, you kind of feel a little. Guided. And now it's kind of like, Oh, this big unknown. And I'm like, just, and I learn more from things like this from working with people in this community. I learned more from other moms just sitting at an event that he's at or a sports program. He's in than I do from any other program that he's been in. So that's why things like this are so important to me and to connect with other moms and to hear what resources they're out there or just to feel not alone. So thanks for letting me be here today.

Kara 16:47

Yeah, no, definitely. I know. I think about the impact even this last year in terms of the things that I've learned from other moms that then I've been able to access and incorporate into our own life like it's from other moms that are like, you know, urging and encouraging to try this and do that and not from a place of like, Nobody wants to be like having someone tell you, you should do this, right? Like it doesn't, it's not like that, right? But it's more like, Hey, this might work for you. Look into it. And so that's been really helpful. I relate a lot also to the not quite fitting, even in a disabled setting, right? Because Levi has, so he's intellectually, what would be considered typical ish, right? Minus he obviously is diagnosed with autism, but I even describe his experience with autism so differently because I call it acquired autism. I don't know that he would present as an autistic person if he had not had brain cancer. and so it's like, but so we also have the, we have the visual impairment. Then we have the physical stuff, right? Like the physical stuff with the, with the behavioral stuff. obviously there's handfuls of other people dealing with it, but in local programs where we're accessing it, it's like, Programs seem to be built for like one thing at a time. And when you're bringing a cornucopia of stuff, it's, it's taking a lot to fine tune things. So thanks for sharing that aspect. And, also, so Levi's 15 and a sophomore in school. It's not yet determined whether he will be done with school at 18 or if he'll go on to stay the school program. But my husband and I have been finding ourselves Asking that question of what's next and maybe even headed toward a little bit of a panic like, oh my gosh, so we have to really be intentional about dialing it back. And reminding ourselves, we don't need to know all the steps, we just need to know the next step. And so for me, and this is going to kind of guide us into the topic today that we're going to talk about. For me, it's kind of given me the direction of like, okay, I don't know what's happening a year from now or what he's doing next, but I do know that what I want to strive for is the healthiest, happiest, most. tuned in Levi that we can have. And that's all I need to worry about, really. And actually is I think headed toward where, where you started Chandra with getting him very involved because what's missing in Levi's life is community. His connection, and for, for kids, I think in our, in our community, I think that's the biggest challenge. And I think also the biggest, desire that we have as mom, or this is from, I'm speaking for myself, but maybe for some of us desire as moms to see our kids like in community and connect. did and valued by people beyond their family members. So, that's a little bit about what's on our mind, but today we're going to be focusing the conversation a little bit about like a check in. We're recording this January 17th. So for some of us, like for me, it's only, it's been five days since I've had a somewhat regular schedule with my kids back at school. So still very fresh. I'm still not totally settled in. but kind of, I guess recalibrating for reengaging with what we would call like our typical routine regular life. And so I just wanted to open up a conversation to kind of take a quick look back and be like, okay, like, how did it go? What occurred or didn't occur over this break and or that season? and let's start there and then we'll go on to kind of what's next. If we're going to do a quick check in, like how did the past season go in terms of how are you doing with the past season as it relates to your whole life? So anybody have anything come up for that? Go ahead, Rachel.

Rachel 20:43

For me, breaks are always very challenging, because I, like you were describing, my daughter does not fit into any, like, category. Her skills are kind of, like, all over the map as far as, her physical development. She's not In, like a wheelchair all the time, but she's also not independent at anything mobile, but she wants to be moving and so she's 24 seven hands on job, anything we want her to do. I have to be assisting. and then being at home is a big challenge because she's really good out and about and in the community. So I'm always having to decide whether it's worth it, you know, to go for me, the challenges that come along with that, versus being at home, the boredom and, you know, she can't do arts and crafts and, you know, or go play outside by herself or anything. So, or with neighborhood kids, so break is always kind of like a pause, for everything, nothing getting done. Like I was just kind of like my life goes on hold. So when we go back to school, when she's back in her routine, I feel very discombobulated as far as like what I need to get done because I feel like I've let so many other things get done. So we've had an extra week than you, but I'm. Still getting back into my routine as well. And then when you throw in other things like appointments that I've put off, because of the holidays or, you know, just personal things that I'm doing, that other stuff gets put off as well. So that's always a challenge with me being home. Is there's not, you know, you think you have time when they're at school, but it goes really quickly. So, we had an okay season for us. The best probably that we've had mood wise because of some medical interventions that we've done recently for my daughter, but getting back on track is, always the, the challenge

Kara 22:40

and what to,

Rachel 22:40

what to prioritize too.

Kara 22:42

Oh yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Actually. Well, first the word discombobulated really, like it was like, oh yeah, that's like actually maybe a word I was Not able to find before you said that in terms of kind of how I feel, and I also noticed myself, I guess overwhelmed would be the right word for it. Having a difficult time knowing what I wanted to prioritize. Almost like I'm so excited to do so many things are so eager. Maybe it's a better word. Like, okay, now I'm going to do all the things I kind of put off during Christmas break for reasons that I would choose over again. Like, I'm glad that I did them the way that I did. But now it's like I want everything all at all at once. So kind of having a difficult time. Deciphering what, what I want to do with my time actually has been something that's coming up for me. So anybody else, want to share in terms of kind of looking back, like how did it go? And then maybe answering the question also, and how are you finding yourself now? Go ahead, Brittany.

Brittany 23:44

So yeah, I think that's very interesting. The idea of you're so eager, you feel overwhelmed by the shift. It's like when my children are home, especially my son, Austin, who's 18 and has the severe needs. everything else is dropped much like Rachel was saying. And so you go from that kind of lifestyle and that mom mode to then, okay, I have six hours now. If you are fortunate enough to stay at home, which I do, I work from home. I have six hours at home now and the juxtaposition of those two types of modes that I have, it can be very jarring, going back and forth. I find that when we are heading towards a longer break from school with all four children at home, I find myself, probably about 48 hours before the break comes getting anxious. I can feel my chest tightening up and I feel myself looking around and trying to figure out, okay, how are we going to do this again? How are we going to get through this long period? it's not very easy for my family to travel. so that would be, that's what a lot of my friends do, even those with special needs who their children, you know, are able to go visit grandma and grandpa or go on a vacation together to, kind of break up that. time away from school. That's not really an option for us. So, it becomes a juggling act of me, trying to just get the very, very basic things done like feeding everyone or taking a shower versus entertainment versus actually creating some kind of holiday memory on top of all of the other things. And then just, you know, for us, we celebrate Christmas, you know, just doing, Christmas shopping or whatever it is I need to do as the adult in the family, as the mom. so it's very, very, stressful. It can be very, very stressful. and then if you let yourself dwell in those areas, which I have done at times and other times, I'm better at it. Letting that guilt set in to, Oh, well, this isn't the kind of Christmas I had envisioned or that I hope to give my children someday. It's just, I'm just kind of in crisis mode or, you know, you're just constantly putting out fires all day instead of actually enjoying this time off of school, which is supposed to be relaxing for them. And myself, and then you start heading towards the end of the break, and you start looking at all the things that you need to get done that you have put off, like Rachel was saying. And then, okay, now I need to prioritize. And what I have found over the years now is I almost kind of do a deer and headlights those first couple of days back where I, I almost freeze. I am so overwhelmed with all of the things that I need to quote, catch up on that. I do nothing. and then once again, us women were fabulous at this, that guilt will set in and I'm like, Oh, I'm not utilizing my time. I'm not taking advantage of this. I'm not being efficient. I'm just sitting around frozen because I feel so anxious and overwhelmed by everything going on. And as my personality, as someone who equates my worth with my productivity.

Kara 26:55

Oh, yeah, Bea. As a very

Brittany 26:58

type one, type A personality, that can be very debilitating. So, speaking about it and naming these things out loud is very, very helpful for me, whether that is with other people or even myself or my husband or my older children. And saying, look, this is happening to me and I'm doing this because of this. I'm aware that that is not okay. And so now I'm going to try to figure out how to fix that with you and by myself. So yeah, these breaks from school are very, There's just so much emotion and stress and, discombobulation wrapped up in them. Mm-hmm like any other aspect of my life that yes, I'm a parent, but then you add that of like special needs parenting on top of it. And every, it's just extra. Everything is extra, everything is heightened, everything is more than a typical, parent would have to go through. So, yeah.

Kara 27:49

Yeah, thank you for, I think, articulating so much of the experience that I think we've also, you know, simultaneously experienced. and I'm swimming with ideas of things that I want to talk about, but I'm going to wait because I want to hear from, anybody else that wanted to share their experience. Go ahead, Sarah.

Sarah 28:03

I relate to you all so much. it's so nice to connect. when our girls went back to school, there was like a snow day and then another last minute snow delay. And, we were like, we've already had break for like over two weeks. Like, well, you're killing us Like, and then one the preschool had like special color days in the first week back, and like I was, oh, come on guys. I was like, on top of everything. I was like, Can't remember what clothes to put them in. Please,

Kara 28:33

like we need one more thing as we're just getting like back in. Yeah, that's really funny.

Sarah 28:39

So it took me that was last week. So, yesterday or the other day, I think I was like dinner time. And just there was like a lot of things happening with everything, you guys know. Meetings and appointments and everything. And who's taking care of them when, and coordinating everything. and I was feeling stress, like, I just felt it in my whole body, and I was like, how am I gonna make it through this dinner? so I used that, moving and shaking technique that you do. Oh, yeah,

Kara 29:09

baby.

Sarah 29:10

Yes! I went into the other room really quick, because it was like, Nobody noticed because it was like everyone's trying to just get to the table and I just Shook all over really fast because I was like I have this feeling of stress inside But I want to be able to like move past that and like focus on the next thing And like allow my body to like complete the cycle or whatever and it worked. It was really helpful. I was like, okay So

Kara 29:34

so what Sarah's referencing is an exercise called shaking and dancing And it's actually literally quite that, like literally you allow your body to shake, to like physically move and to process energy and I think it's a great way. Cause it's not a mental exercise. And I think so many of us. Brilliant women are so engaged with our brains and we can't let go of that to actually do the work that our body needs us to do. So the shaking and dancing exercise is brilliant at letting our body do the work that it needs to do to be like calmed and centered and grounded so that we can go show up with that presence and with that like, stability that we need to do the things that our children, need us to create the space for. So that's awesome. Thanks for sharing that.

Sarah 30:19

Yeah. And, in general, I think our break went really well, thanks to, like, listening to you guys process everything, like, before the break, I was able to plan ahead, and, like, try to get as much done as I could before break, and I think that helped, and my goal was to take moments to enjoy it and, like, be present, especially, I guess, because my kids are so little, I also wrote down ideas of, those holiday things, like, one was, if it snows, I wanted to dye the snow with them, like with food coloring. And like, I wrote it in my phone on like a little sticky note of ideas because when the moment happens, you forget, you know, and like, yeah, yeah, be able to be like, Oh yeah, that was one thing that we can do now. Like this works. And it was great. So there's a couple of things like that throughout the, like doing Christmas cookies. That was a thing where I want, I know I'm going to do it. I know it's going to be messy and hard and stressful, but like, I, To be able to, like, be present for that and, be, able to, like, enjoy those moments. So that was good.

Kara 31:22

That's awesome. What about you Chandra?

Chandra 31:25

I think my perspective is a little different and maybe because he's older and we have this joke that when he turned 11 that he turned into a rock star because before that he was just I don't even know how to explain it. Like, going to the doctor, you'd leave sweaty because he didn't want his blood pressure to like, it was just, everything was just so hard. And it was just like, finally I could get through to him and make sense of his world. Because I think he just was having such a hard time processing what was going on around him. but to say that being easier, I mean, because I'm a single mom and now it's nice because it's just him and I. You know, when my other son was here, he moved away a little while ago, so now it's just him and I, but I'm a single mom, and I take him everywhere, so I'm driving him, he's not driving, so I'm driving him to school, I'm picking him up, I'm taking him to all his things that he's involved in, so for me, it was nice because everything stopped. Yes. So I didn't have to drive him to hockey, and I didn't have to drive him to bowling, and I didn't have to drive him to, This and that and that, you know, it was just like everything's plus I'm a board member on a special needs sports program out here and so those programs stopped that he's involved in also so it was just it was nice to just breathe and not have to go anywhere. I didn't want to go anywhere. But then worked out nicely because. We went to Miami for two weeks, which that's always fun traveling, but I did get, you know, like the vision assistance and stuff like that with, flying there and he's great to travel with. I mean, it is kind of nice getting the vision assistance cause you get kind of escorted through the airport a little bit faster and get priority boarding on the plane. You don't have to pay for kind of thing, but, but also being there out of. Our home for two weeks is is hard to because you're not home and so just making sure that he's comfortable and we stayed with my son and his place is kind of small and there's a new baby and so that's what brings like this kind of like quiet stress that you don't want their house to keep it nice for them and it's first time we're all staying there And then I put all these things off until I get home and then I get home and I'm like, I don't want to do that now. I want to just rest for a little bit because we got home last week on the 7th and I took off work until Monday also. So everything started back up Monday, you know, all the programs, all the school work, everything. So, but at least I had a few of those days to kind of decompress once we got home. But, Overall, when we're not traveling, and that's kind of a one off, we normally don't go there over the holidays. We used to stay home, which is nice, but he's pretty easy now. Like he's one of those kids that wants to sleep in until 1130, when he doesn't have something going on and he gets up and just eats. And then he wants to go back in his room and he'll just hang out and talk to Alexa and Google more than any human. And play his instruments and play with his toys and he'll go with me wherever we want to go, but for the most part, it's very isolating when I'm at home because he's just wants to be in his room, but it was nice to have that quiet time and to kind of gear up for the crazy again that we're in.

Kara 34:13

Yeah. Gear up. Yeah. I think for us, so I, I have the luxury of working for myself. So I was pretty intentional about designing two full weeks off. So along with my kids. So also my husband is a school administrator and so he has a kind of a, the same schedule as the kids do. So he gets two full weeks off during that season. And so it took me honestly until like this year to like say, you know what, Kara, you're your own boss. It's like. You don't have to just give yourself a week. You can do two. This is crazy. I know. It took a long time. So Brittany, I very much relate to somebody who is, continuing to work to let go of the getting value from how productive we are. It's still, I'm a work in progress. I've come, I've come a long way. I might still be working on it till I die, but that's okay. so I took two full weeks off and I think that was great. I did find myself like kind of lost in between like,? okay, I guess I like routine. I like having like a design to my day. So like I wake up and have all these kids and be like, okay. Am I resting? Am I, like, trying to, do a house project? like, what do I do? so I found myself getting a little lost, like, not in a terrible way, but just as a little, like, okay, like, would prefer to have a little bit more, stableness in terms of what I can expect for the day. But, then I landed on, three of my kids started school would be the sixth, or like the Tuesday after kind of all the holidays. And then Levi had an additional week off with his new school, new schedule. So yay for me. I also designed like, okay, you're going to do the minimal like work, you have some commitments, but you're going to really focus on being Levi's. partner in crime. So he's actually very different from your son, Chandra, because while he will sit happily on a device for hours and hours, like, I think he ends up feeling very lonely and disconnected if he's doing that. he's not very good at figuring out how to spend time in a way that's fulfilling for him. And even with my support, it's still a challenge. Like, we are still very much figuring this out and how to, like, guide him into that. So I finished that week, I think, yeah. Leaving it on the dance floor, like in terms of like, I think that I felt depleted is not the right word, but I was like, okay, I need a break. I could tell that I was like, you know, like you can tell your patience is starting to wane. You just have less in your tank to give. So I could tell that I was at that stage and I'm fortunate that my husband's, you know, able and, and very supportive. And so I could kind of get some breaks. and so then that landed me at this week where. You know, as I said before, like, yeah, it's been hard to kind of figure out what I want to do first, or maybe it has been less hard to figure it out. But maybe I've just had, like the excitement, like I said earlier, like I wanted to do it all. And so I've landed at like, okay, the thing that is most important for me to do. Is to do the things to take care of myself, like, okay, I'm going to go to acupuncture. I'm going to schedule to go to a naturopath. I'm going to walk in the morning. I couldn't do that with Levi. I was home. So I'm going to start walking in the morning again. And because I'm like, you know what, like everything gets better. If I am taking care of myself. So that's kind of where I landed. and also neglected some of my responsibilities as an adult. So my podcast editor, Alex is going to kill me because I'm now behind. but that's okay. So the next question I would, I would kind of ask us to consider is like, okay, so we are where we are now. And kind of even just using this time now as a check in, like little bit of an inventory and asking, okay, What do I need and or what's next? So like for me, I'll go first. I think what I've recognized and like, okay, what I need actually is to be very gentle with myself. So before the recording, I was telling the ladies that I. I think it was before the recording. I neglected every bit of responsibility yesterday and I went like chasing items on Facebook marketplace all over San Diego. The good news is I got a really pretty coffee table and a lamp. I did feel guilty about it, about like neglecting my responsibilities, but I've been reflecting on what is going on with me that I, cause it's actually a little bit like out of my character to do something like that. but I was like, I think it's almost like my life requires such structure and like a high level of management, if you will, that I was like, I think I almost like was rebelling against that. Like, I'm going to go like play. You can't stop me. So I kind of think that there's something about that. Like I just needed a little bit of no structure and a little bit of looseness that I do trust that I'm going to get back into my routine. But I just like my sense is I'm okay. Gentle, like we're not going to, we are not going to get what we need if we try to jam it down our throat of like, go do all the things right now, like this hustle energy. That's not what's going to be supportive. So that's kind of where I'm at. And so what I'm, what I'm needing, so I'll open it to each of you, again, to the question of kind of checking in, how are you now and what do you need and what's next. Go ahead, Brittany.

Brittany 39:31

I just think that's interesting. I, when I hear you talk about that, I feel like I'm like, good for you. That's so awesome. No, you totally deserve that. You know, like, you know, it's not like you're sitting around eating bonbons all day. You're finding furniture for your home. You're still doing something for your family. Right. I was even telling myself

Kara 39:50

how much money I was making because I was like, I'm saving so much money. So I basically made

Brittany 39:54

money today. Girl math. Totally all about that. Yeah. But so I'm hearing you talk about this. I hear people say things like that all the time. My co hosts, my, you know, my husband, Oh, good for you. You took some time for yourself. I have no problem hearing someone else do that. And I feel like you should do that. But am I doing that for myself? If I do it. I feel guilty and I think that's where we need to make that distinction and we need to be very, very careful and my son is being super loud. I don't know if you can hear him. So I'm going to sign off now and just listen. But that was my little piece for that. So

Kara 40:31

thank you so much for sharing. Go ahead, Chandra.

Chandra 40:34

towards about October. I don't know why it was October, but I was getting really overwhelmed with just all these things that I was having to do for Ryan. I think maybe like a six week period. So many things happened at once. And I was just like, it was all stuff that I had to deal with, like he got a jury duty summons and he got, I don't know if any of you use self determination through the regional center, but I'm in that program and I just want to rip out my hair with the financial management company that I have to deal with and I had some issues with that and that came in with some, you know, getting some people paid and, and different things going on. And I think this, I don't know, just, yeah. A few other things happened all at the same time. And so then I ended up starting, you know, therapy through my work. And I just realized I really needed to have some time for me because I think I was getting overwhelmed with everything I had to do for him. My life was just revolving around him. It's just like, I needed a break and like telling you, you know, it was nice having that time off of. All the things he was in and that's part of it is just delegating some of that stuff because I do have respite service. I do have some personal assistants that work with Ryan and I'm like, I don't utilize them to the extent that I can. So one thing that I have done this, you know, starting once I got back from my trip was delegating. One of the things is like, I'd go to bowling with Ryan. And he is on a lane with a ramp and with some other wheelchair users. And I was always helping at the beginning to, you know, show people how to get them there and all that stuff. And I'm like, I'm not a volunteer here. I'm, I volunteer enough with like the other programs that I'm in. I want to be a mom. I want to take him and drop him off and say, have fun. I'm going to go sit with the other moms because I wouldn't be going there. And then I'd help him. And then I'd help the next athlete. And then the next athlete, I'm like, I don't want to do that. It's not anything against anyone. It's just that this isn't. What I came here to do and I was not looking forward to doing this because I was, you know, not there for why I wanted to be there. So it was nice to just kind of tell the volunteers that were there saying, hey, I'm just going to drop him off now. And I'm going to go sit here. I'll come back at the end. And I'm also having his respite take him 1 day to his taekwondo and just, you know, so that. is helping me to just kind of breathe and not feel so just bogged down by everything. So, and I think it's really hard. It's, but, and not everyone has the ability to have other people help in that capacity, but I had that available to me and I wasn't taking advantage of it. So finally doing that has been, really helpful for my mental health and stuff.

Kara 43:11

Yeah. I like that you are sharing your experience because I think, well, one, some people don't have access to it, right? But even if you do have access, I do think that there is, a good opportunity as moms to reflect and, and just be curious in a gentle, loving, kind way of why we don't use the help that is available. Because I think that I noticed that I'm so used to being hard and doing it on my own and all these things, and when something's like even good trying to change things up, I'm noticing some resistance. And so I think it's a great thing to reflect on and I, I'm thankful that you shared that because I know that you're not the only one that may not be using some of the support opportunities that they have. Who else would share? Go ahead, Rachel.

Rachel 43:53

Yeah, I, definitely, resonate with that and. I am always trying to work on not feeling guilty when I do prioritize, like myself or have things come up, you know, someone invites me to coffee and I, can do it because I have that luxury. I'm at home. I'm always like, Oh man, that's going to be my home morning or, you know, that's going to be, no, I'm not going to get this done. I think that's why it's so hard for me. It was easier when I did have like a, like a certain hours for my work or whatever, but now when I'm just home, it's really hard for me to, to justify. So I need to come up with a system of like designating days or something for myself to just be like, those days can be whatever I want for me. Because I, yeah, it's really hard for me and some of that stuff sometimes is like helping with her school, like I'm on the PTO or, so it's like things I'm doing that aren't, aren't even really for me, you know, but, and then just fitting in all, I, I literally think I tell my husband daily, like, I'm like, I don't know how I'm supposed to get all the regular things done and still take care of myself, you know? and. Yeah. So I don't know. It's a challenge for me, for sure. It comes in waves of like, I feel productive but being productive every day is something that I'm always, I think it's because I don't get anything done when Audrey's home. And so I'm always like, I need to just do everything always when she's gone. But. That's not realistic. And it's really not that much time each day, especially when you add in picking up and taking her. And then I add in like a workout for myself and it's, you know, like it's half the day already. so yeah, I'm always thinking of it. I do it better than better some days than others, but, it is a really, it's like, A mind battle that I honestly have daily that I, that I'm trying to always overcome. So, yeah, I think I need to set up. I am like an organized person. And so I think I do need to set up like official days, like Mondays and Wednesdays are my days to, like, schedule anything fun or, you know, anything I want to do, or, be lazy, which, like, never happens. So, and then the other days is, like, I take care of house stuff. So, I don't know. I've been doing this for a long time now, and I still don't have, A plan for it. So, yeah, that's me working towards it. And hopefully coming up with a better plan in the future.

Kara 46:30

I feel you so hard. Okay, funny thing, Rachel, I actually have on my desk here a template for what's called an ideal schedule. And this is a tool that I have used in the past, to be able to Well, I mean, this sounds so life coachy, but you know, let's own it. I'm a life coach, to design my life, this is for me. So I have a brain that, if not well directed, will create way too much that any human could actually do. And then tell me I should definitely be doing all of it. Then I get like very overwhelmed and you know, it's, I'm, predisposed to anxiety. So I have a lot of tools that help me. guide and direct and help my brain land and be a little bit more calm. So this tool for me, because I was like, I have all these areas of my life. I have like my marriage, I have my kids, I have Levi, which is a whole other category than just my kids. my business, my podcast, my whole, you know, personal being stuff, right? There's all these things, right? And like, I'm looking at do we do them all together? And, and how do I balance it? Right? Like, I, I want to be giving attention to like Levi's school, but I don't necessarily want that to be my whole life. How do I actually balance it? create this on purpose versus just be at a in the impact of what happens. And so this is a tool where I get to be like, okay, I want to walk in the mornings, put that in my calendar. I want, obviously. These kinds of things go in my like schedule podcasting clients, life stuff. And for me, this year is going to look a lot more like putting a lot more attention into creating more support for Levi. So like, there's that part, there's that aspect of my life. And so this is a very long way of me saying like. There are some tools that can really really help with this and Rachel I suggest we take this on This is going to be my plug right now for The group coaching program that I run so basically It's called pathway to peace. Coaching community. Because I actually changed it the end of last year. It used to be called pathway to peace group coaching program and I very intentionally changed it to Lean away from program and onto community because I think that's where the intersection of coaching and community. I think there's so much power. and so that's kind of the heart behind it. it's where we meet and have intentional conversations about where we're at. We bring love and compassion into all of it. We grieve together and we ask questions like, okay, what's next. And what do we need to do? What do we need to take on to create more of what we want and to. Greve and process the things that we don't. So, if anybody listening is like, yeah, that sounds great. there is a, I wouldn't call it a form, but basically there's a contact me or there's resources on the show notes at the podcast. So you can reach out for more. I have done my very best. I think I've done a phenomenal job, if I'm going to be honest, of making it accessible to people. So financially accessible is what I'm talking about. So, please check it out and, you know, like, you know, reach out, like I'm a person over here. So like we can have a conversation. So, so yes, maybe Rachel, we take some of this ideal calendar on, we can have fun, doing it together. Cause I think we're ready for a group chant. Together is the only way. So I'm going to count us in. This was so fun together. thank you so much for being here. We're going to wrap up kind of quickly because I want to honor the hour that we had together. I know it's just so corny and it's just who I am. So. Three, two, one together is the only way we're going to work on that, you know, it's right. It's hard on zoom. So I think we're going to, we're going to get better, but you know, we have to start somewhere. So that's, I think the model for this conversation. Thank you all. And, for anybody that wants to join a community huddle, you can do so. I would advise you to get on my email list, which is where I send all the information out. So go on my website. it's kararyska.Com. All the information will be on the show notes. you'll figure it out and, you're invited. So we'll see you on the next episode and, I'm gonna sign off to everybody. See you guys. Thanks, Cara. Thank you. Bye. Yeah. Thank you.