Are You Ready For A New Relationship

Sister, if you have ever been divorced or if you have ever experienced a breakup, you may feel the urge to quickly find a new man. But it could be too soon. Entering a new relationship is a big deal and should not be taken lightly, particularly when your past relationship(s) did not work out.  If you’re having reservations about starting fresh with someone new, this could be a sign that you are not ready to jump into a new relationship. Before starting a new relationship, make sure you've closed the previous one.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

Transcript

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Ladies, your natural instinct is to worry. You worry about your children, your health, your relationship and everything else under the sun. It's a classic case of worrywart syndrome. If you tend to worry needlessly, you are not alone. Well, welcome to the she strives with faith podcast with her Berthena Jackson. Berthena is a two time divorcee, a single mother and war veteran who suffered from anxiety, but learned to let go and let God. Berthena will share captivating and down to earth conversations on how to strive by faith. Here's your host Berthena Jackson.

BERTHENA JACKSON: 1:56

Hello, beautiful sisters, welcome back to the she strives with faith podcast. Hope you are having a phenomenal day. So you know, I was looking outside just admiring the trees. And I noticed that the trees are beginning to bud. There are leaves getting ready to pop soon. And it just made me think about how quickly we are moving into warm weather. And I love warm weather. Summertime is actually my favorite season of the year. And I'm so excited. So I'm in the United States. So we've got maybe about three to four months before we actually see some leaves some real leaves and flowers growing. All of that good stuff, warm weather sunshine on my face. I'll get to wear some sun dresses and sandals, get my toes done. Oh gosh, I am so excited about the summer time. But anyway, that's not what this is about. I want to talk to you about a very, very important subject. And I have titled this Are you ready to date? Yes, because if you have you ever been divorced girl, if you have ever experienced a breakup and I know you have, you may feel the urge to quickly find you a new boyfriend, guy friend, boy toy or whatever. But did you ever think that it could be too soon? Yeah, divorce and the ending of a relationship is hurtful and you need time to heal. You need time to get over that ex. Whatever.Ex husband, ex boyfriend, you need time. And this is why entering a new relationship is a big deal. Because you cannot take it lightly, particularly when your past relationships did not work. Listen, my sister, if you're having reservations about starting fresh with someone new, you are not alone, because this could be a sign that you're not ready. And before you jump into a new relationship, I want you to give some serious thought to some important questions that you should ask yourself before jumping into another relationship. These questions to me, are very crucial. The first question I want you to ask yourself, Am I truly over my ex? Because going through a breakup is like surviving a car accident.Sometimes it is a fender bender that can be easily fixed. But sometimes it is such a traumatic accident, that leaves your heart completely totaled, that you don't even know if you're going to be the same. Now, regardless of the severity of your emotional injuries, I admit breakups can be brutal and life changing. And we have to go through them alone. Nobody can help us get through that process. No one can help us to evaluate what went wrong. We have to do the self assessment on our own to see what happened. How did we get ourselves in this situation? What can we change about ourselves before we jump into another relationship? Because we do not want a repeat performance? We don't want a replay of what happened, okay. We don't want that. Because what's going to happen is that we're going to experience the same type of pain that we did before. Now, back to that question, am I truly over my ex? Let me get back on point. I remember one day while I was lying in bed one night, I'm just in my bed chilling, relaxing. And I realized that a miracle happened. God took the thoughts of my ex husband away. What? Wow. Praise God. Those thoughts were gone. They had vanished. It took some time, but it happened. So you will also know when it's over when you see your ex in public, either by himself or with his new girlfriend or wife, and it doesn't bother you in the least bit. You don't feel any anger, there's no resentment towards him. In fact, if you can easily and genuinely wave or say, Hello, girl, that's a real sign you have moved on. That's what it was for me, I would see my ex husband. You know, on the military base, I will see him at the gas station. And it didn't bother me. Didn't bother me one iota, I was over him. You see if you can look at your ex husband or ex boyfriend, without wanting to die inside. You are definitely over your ex. Now, y'all know I have to go to the Bible because the Bible is my source of information and wisdom and it is what I use to govern my own life. I mean, the Bible has everything in there from relationships, I mean, it talks about marriage, how to raise your kids, how to deal with co workers. The Bible is a wealth of information, I'm telling you, it's, it's what will lead you to make better decisions in your life. You can't go wrong when you read the Bible. So anyway, Ephesians chapter four, verse 31, reminds us to let things go. It specifically says, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave us. That's another thing, we need to learn how to forgive our ex, if we have been hurt, let it go, let it go. And so every day that you think of your ex, less and less, that means you're getting over your ex. And eventually, you'll no longer think of him at all. And that's a sign that your wounds have healed, and God has rehabilitated you and restored your joy. You have basically stopped focusing on the mess. You've left and you think more about your new goals. Instead, you think more about your future. You're content with coming home to yourself. Being okay in your own company. You look at a photo of your ex on Facebook, Instagram, and you see him as a familiar face and not the love of your life. You stop obsessing over his social media pages, so you're not checking his media pages, or excuse me, his social media pages like you used to. You are genuinely happy when your ex moves on and finds someone else. You no longer fantasize about getting back together. Instead, you now envision your own wedding day with a mystery groom that God has for you. The hurt is gone. And you make yourself happy every day. You don't cry yourself to sleep anymore. Your ex isn't on your mind when you wake up and go to sleep. That's a good sign that you are over your ex. The next question you might want to consider is what did not work in past relationships? So before you jump into a relationship, what did not work in your past relationship. It is always possible to learn something from a past relationship, even if

it's just: 9:48

I never want to experience that again. You learned something. I believe that every relationship we're in moves us closer to the one we want if we're willing to do some reflection. Self-reflection after a painful breakup isn't always easy. It's because it forces you to think about who you are. Your inner essence. It forces you to think about the things that you need to change about yourself. I knew I was codependent now, I didn't like being codependent. But that's what I was because I thought that I could meet this man, get to know him and if there was anything that was wrong with him I felt that I could fix him. I was confident I could fix him. But that is not my job. But see, I grew up in a family where there was alcoholism. And I grew up thinking that I had to be the caretaker. I was the responsible one. I had to take care of my mom. I had to take care of my brothers. But that was not my responsibility. But I carried that into every relationship that I had with a man. My stepfather put the pressure on me and made me feel guilty. If I did not help take care of my mom, which is crazy, because he was the man in the household, he was supposed to be the breadwinner. But that was manipulation, mind control. And I kept that mindset for years. And that's why many of my relationships did not work, because I kept attracting these men that had these problems, I was attracting them. And I thought I could fix them. And I could not. It's not my job to fix anything, God does the fixing, okay. He's the master, fixer upper. But anyway, like I said, failed relationships forces you to look at the deepest parts of yourself to identify inner weaknesses. And as difficult as it will be, it will help you find strength to move forward into much better things. And prayerfully, you want to repeat past mistakes. I learned I was a codependent person from a counselor. And that counselor gave me exercises and homework. To help me to discover that part of me. And that took a lot of self reflection. And I saw where I needed to change. So you must figure out what changes you need to make to protect yourself against further heartbreak. The second part of this hope, that question, you know what did not work in the past? I want you to know that fell relationship don't just teach you what you don't want, they show you that you are capable of so much more. A failed relationship is a direct reflection of your potential to have more and have better connections and to feel fulfilled in ways you never thought possible. So when you've done enough, reflecting, you're better able to enter into a new relationship that's both fulfilling and healthy. According to experts, if you can say that your last relationship taught you these things you're off to a really good start that relationship more than likely it's going to last. And the third point is we have no control over the past and we cannot control the future. No matter what we do. None of those past relationships were a mistake. They were meant to teach you something. They were meant to show you that something better was meant to come along. And if you know you need to make changes, make changes so you don't carry that baggage into another relationship. Trust that you will always come to the solution. God has the answers. God will give you wisdom if you would ask him, ask and you will receive. But you got to be willing to ask can't be so prideful, thinking you know everything because if you knew everything your past relationships would have worked out. And then finally, to that question, our past relationships are necessary learning experiences. Okay, the next question you need to ask before you jump into a relationship, what worked in my past relationships. It's good to evaluate what worked in your past relationship, because it helps you distinguish an unhealthy relationship from a healthy relationship. It will help you identify if you are in a healthy relationship, because it's hard to see clearly when you are caught up in the foggy feeling called love. And we may not realize until later that we missed the red flags during the course of a relationship. But when you have a good healthy relationship, you'll know and I'm telling you, it just feels right. And one of the questions that you need to ask was there mutual respect, because respect ensures that we feel valued. We show respect by thanking each other. We show interest in one another's day, and we truly listen to each other's feelings. Respect worked in my relationships that I've had. Another thing that worked for me and may have worked for you as well. Spending time together. How do you get to know someone if you're not spending time. Was that something that you liked. Did you like spending time with the person that you were with in your past relationships? I mean, it could be as simple as a walk on the beach or a stroll around the Baltimore Harbor. I live in Maryland. So you know, I had to bring that up because I love Baltimore Harbor. Wonderful place. So by the way, if you're ever in Maryland, and you want some sightseeing, and some good sightseeing, go to Baltimore Harbor, they have the best restaurants. They have different shows that you can see. There's also, the people are just nice. Lots of family stuff to do. Okay, I am off topic. Sorry about that. Okay, let me get back on topic. Anyway. So spending time together can also be a conversation over a cup of coffee. Very simple. And if that's something that worked in your past relationship, make sure the person you are considering dating or courting, I like the word courting enjoys spending quality time. Then there's also gestures of love. I'm not talking about sex. I'm not talking about that at all. Nope, nope, nope. No, I'm talking about a hug. A compliment. Someone sending you a card when you're not feeling well, or you get a birthday card. You know, I know as women, some of us love the big romantic gifts. However, the small ones are just as good. Someone treating you out to breakfast. That's, that's wonderful. You know, that's a gesture of love them calling you up to say, how are you doing? How's your day. Inviting you to go to the park, just to spend time with you. Just to be in your presence.. It's not like they're asking for anything in return. It's not like you owe them something. But it's because they genuinely like being around you. They like spending time with you. There's no hidden agenda. Okay, gestures of love is not taking me on a cruise. Now if he's got the money to do that, so be it. But don't expect that and don't look at gestures of love as being just these big gifts, spending a whole ton of money. Here's something else that worked in my past relationship, intimacy. I mean, there's this thing that's called the love hormone. And it seems it's a strong bond. It reduces stress and provides a foundation for lasting commitment. Actually, they call that love hormone, oxytocin. But you know, I like to look at it from a different perspective as well, because intimacy, intimacy, for me, my definition is this person who wants to know everything about me. They truly have a desire to know who I am. They want to know my thought processes. They want to know the things that I enjoy doing. They want to know what I think about politics and religion. They want to know what my childhood upbringing was like. What I love to do, you know, in my spare time, they want to know what my religious beliefs are. All of that stuff. It is not this superficial, what's your favorite color? What's your favorite TV program? You know, what books do you like to read? No, we're talking deeper level stuff. What is your response when someone makes you angry? What are your triggers? You know, deep stuff. Another thing that I liked is 360 degree communication. It's not just one sided. It's a two way conversation. It takes two people. By the way, a study out of Florida State University found that healthy couples average one argument a week. Did you hear that one argument a week is healthy. Couples who made a habit of having angry but honest conversations. were happier in the long run. So guess what? Arguing is not a bad thing unless it becomes abusive or critical. Someone tearing you down and making you feel worthless. No, we don't want to be with that person. That's not communication. That's criticism. So if those things work for you 360 degree communication, intimacy, gestures of love, quality time, respect. Make sure you pursue that in your next relationship. Another question you might want to ask, Did I pray about the relationship first and seek wise counsel? The Bible says iron sharpens iron. So did you seek wise counsel? Did you talk to a trusted friend about this relationship first. Because here's the thing, if we jump too soon into a relationship, and we haven't gotten over our low self esteem, we haven't been delivered from feeling shame and hate towards ourself, we're going to end up in the same old same old relationship. You see, in the case of repeated verbal and physical abuse, you may feel that you are helpless and that you are to blame because you cannot change the situation no matter how hard you tried. That's that old codependent stuff, okay. And so the end of a relationship can leave a deep sense of distrust. You may feel that you can not count on people, such as family members, or close friends or church members. You feel like you don't want to go and talk to them about this relationship, because you're trying to keep it private, you're trying to keep it between you and the person. But I find that when you let trusted people know about the relationship one it holds you accountable. And then sometimes they can share things with you from their own experience that can help you make the best decision in terms of whether or not you should date this person. So I found also that if you cannot trust your own judgment, because you've been so hurt, and you feel that you're unable to make the right choices, because all your other relationships have not worked out, that's really the time to go and ask and seek wise counsel suggestions, recommendations. That's when you should go and talk to someone. So those are just some of the things that you really need to consider. I do want to say this as a final word of wisdom, you might want to check and see if this person shares the same morals regarding sex and your religious beliefs. Because I'm gonna tell you the truth, if the person is Muslim, or Catholic, they're Jewish. Or they're non denominational, Baptist. And you don't subscribe to that religion. Don't consider, don't even consider jumping into that relationship. Because it's going to be a source of contention between the two of you. If you know that you don't want to have sex before marriage, you need to make that known to that person and see where they stand on that particular topic. You don't want to feel pressured. You don't want to feel coerced. You don't want to be made to feel guilty. You don't want someone persuading you to compromise. If you say that you don't want to have sex, but they want to, then you might want to reconsider whether or not you want to date this person. Nobody needs that stress on their life. We have enough stressful things going on in this world. And in our personal lives, we don't need no extra. So those are things that I just want you to consider before you jump into dating. I'm just going to repeat real quick. Number one, you want to consider what did not work in your past relationship. You want to also consider what did work in your past relationships. You also want to think about praying first before you get into a relationship and seeking wise counsel. And also, consider this, are you truly over your ex, husband, boyfriend? Whatever the case may be, are you truly over them? Because getting into a relationship and bringing up your old boyfriend or husband is not going to be a good look? For you. As a matter of fact, the new relationship that you're going into that person is nothing like your ex. So let's get that out of our head. And think about ways of cultivating healthy relationships. So finally, I am coming up on my time, I'm actually over my time, because I set a limit for myself. But I do want to do a salvation check. Are you saved? And if you are not, you and I are going to say a prayer, okay? My sister, is very simple. This will be your first step in your relationship with God. If you believe the Bible offers the truth about the way to salvation, but you have not taken the step to become a Christian, now is the time. So let me ask you, are you ready to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior? And if you are, say this prayer with me, dear Lord, I am a sinner, I repent of my sins, and I need your forgiveness. I believe you died in my place and rose from the grave to make me new and to prepare me to live in your presence forever. Jesus, come into my life, take control of my life, forgive my sins and save me. I place my trust in you alone for my salvation, and I accept your free gift of eternal life. Thank you, Lord, in the name of Jesus. I have prayed. Amen. Congratulations. Welcome to the family of God. My time is up. My dear sister, thank you for listening. I hope you found the information to be helpful. I would love to hear your feedback or comments. Any topics you would like me to speak about? Let me know. You can reach out to me on Facebook and Instagram at Bertina Celeste Jackson. I will chat with you beautiful ladies soon. Until next time, keep striving with faith. Bye for now and have a great day.

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Thank you for listening to the she strives with faith podcast. To hear more about how you can tap into the power of striving with faith, join her next week. If you found value in the episode, give her a rating or tell a friend about the show. Follow Berthena on Facebook and Instagram for a more personal chat. Until next time, strive to keep faith alive.