Growing Your Confidence Through Daily Action with Carol Sankar, Founder of The Confidence Factor for Women

Carol Sankar is the founder of The Confidence Factor for Women. Carol shares actionable techniques every woman can use to increase her confidence and become more successful. She went from being the shyest girl in the room to being able to speak in front of audiences of 20,000 people as the keynote. She has been featured on the TODAY Show, Steve Harvey, TEDx, and has been featured in Forbes, Essence, Inc. Magazine, and more.

Carol Sankar is passionate about helping women attain higher leadership roles. She shares how she learned to use her voice, even in fear. Living through that process lead her to be the confident women she is today, and she shares all her advice so that you can become more confident at work and in your everyday life.   

Contact Information
Carol Sankar:
www.carolsankar.com
www.theconfidencefactorforwomen.com
@CarolSankar (Instagram)

Julie - Host:
www.womenwithcooljobs.com
Julie@womenwithcooljobs.com
@womencooljobs (Instagram)

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Transcript

Carol Sankar : 0:00

Don't do it for the thing you want do it for what you have. A lot of times I find that women only feel confident when they get the thing that they want. So if they say, you know what, when I get the job, I'll be more confident when I get the house, I'll be more confident when I get the what the car, whatever it is, don't do it for the thing you want. Do it for what you have. If you don't exercise it in the moment you're in, what you will feel is when you get the thing you want, you still don't have confidence. And so if you're doing it to get the car so that you look good enough to be able to take the photoshoot for the business that you want to build. You get the car, all new cars smell horrible after like two months you're done with it, because you realize it does the same thing that the old card does. Yes, started you look at the gas meter and make sure doesn't shut up and you drive it.

Julie- Host : 0:50

Hey, everybody, I'm Julie and welcome to women with cool jobs. Each episode will feature women with unique trailblazing and innovative crews will talk about how she got here, what life is like now, and actionable steps that you can take to go on a similar path or one that's all your own. This podcast is about empowering you. It's about empowering you to dream big and to be inspired. You'll hear from incredible women in a wide variety of fields, and hopefully some that you've never heard of before. Women who build robots and roadways, firefighters, C suite professionals surrounded by men, social media mavens, entrepreneurs, and more. I'm so glad we get to go on this journey together. Hey, everybody, today's guest is Carol sync are an amazing woman who can teach us all about how to be more confident. And who doesn't need that right. Carol is the founder of the confidence factor for women. She went from being the shy Little girl in the room to being able to speak in front of audiences of 20,000 people. She has been a TEDx speaker. She's been featured at University of Miami and Harvard University. She's been a contributor to inc, and entrepreneur. And that's just to name a few of her accomplishments. One of the biggest things I hope you can take away from listening to our conversation is your ability to implement change and be more confident starting today. Starting right after you listen to this podcast, Carol says that confidence is an applied science. I love this idea. It really speaks to the fact that as humans and as continuous learners, we need to give ourselves grace and space to learn and grow. We don't just wake up one day and magically know how to walk and talk. These things take time. In the same way, we need to remember that as adults, we're always learning. Carol shares, easy, actionable items that we can start on today, plus some amazing tips that we can use over time to increase competence. Hi, Carol, thank you so much for joining me today. I'm so glad to have you on the show.

Carol Sankar : 3:07

So glad you're invited is really thank you so much.

Julie- Host : 3:09

Right now, as we're recording this, we're in the midst of the pandemic. And there are so many things that we can't control in our lives. But one of the reasons that I wanted to speak with you was because there is something that we can control that can improve our lives as women and as people in general, and that's something that we can talk about, which is confidence. So I would love to get your thoughts today on confidence. And my favorite quote that I heard in one of your TED Talks was that confidence is an applied science. And so I would love to really hone in on that today. So how do you define confidence?

Carol Sankar : 3:54

I think confidence is more of an applied science because it's something Every day you have to deposit something into so think of it like a bank, right? So every day, if you want to accumulate, let's just say $1,000. At the end of the week, you need to deposit a few little things as you go along today is $1. Tomorrow might be five, the next day might be five pennies, a dime, and you consistently do it over time and you will become kind of in a perpetual state of consistently doing it. Before you know it, you'll have that thousand dollars in the next week, you will want to do it again because you've created a habit and so confidence especially right now, in a time when we are overly zoomed out like we are in every zoom meeting. We are listening to YouTube more than ever as if we weren't listening to YouTube before. We are trying to consume content. We're at home with you know, our children, our families, we're cooking more with baking more. We're doing a lot more things. I don't want anyone to ever lose this assignment that we're on called Building your confidence meaning that are you still putting those deposits in your confidence factor? By so you still doing small things to be able to inherently hear your own voice and hear yourself, advocate for yourself and advocate for others and you still doing that thing that allows you to be faithful as you walk in, but still allow yourself to do it because you know, what's the right thing to do? So you're building that level of confidence. And like I said, in this new reality that we have going on with COVID and everything else, we have to consistently remember our value as we're transitioning into a world of I'd say the subsequent to be a you know, that is unknown. I don't know where we're going with this. But I don't want anybody to be fearful during this time at all.

Julie- Host : 5:36

Yeah, I love that so much. And I love how you made the comparison to making a deposit because the idea that you can do it little by little, it's not something you have to do all at once. That seems easy. You know, that seems doable. Yeah. For you. How did you come to think about the idea of confidence as a skill that women can use? To grow their career and to be in leadership positions.

Carol Sankar : 6:05

So in my former life, I grew up in a Caribbean family so I am what they call the hope child, I am the the Americanized one out of everyone. I am the I am the one who, you know, when they came when my parents and my grandparents came to this country, a lot of their focus was about creating a pathway for their grandchildren, to be able to have opportunities that were better than what they had. So but imagine you're growing up in a family who comes to this country to be able to give you a better life, but they suppress your voice. So we were always taught, be seen, not heard. Don't speak up. Don't get loud, have proper manners. be pretty sideways, always smile be pleasing. And so I had a lot of fear around speaking up because I was always told that that was not a good thing and that no one wants a overly spoken up woman. So we would have these My grandma, I would say my grandmother was more like a debutante. I grew up with my grandparents I didn't I didn't actually live with my parents, my grandparents raised me. And she would have these outlandish Christmas parties. And all my family from Brazil and Trinidad would come in, and all of her granddaughters would be lined up with 11 of us. And I'm an only child myself, but all of my other female cousins that will be sitting to the side. And we were to be seen and not heard. She loved when people would say your granddaughters are so well behaved. Look how manner they are. And she could just do like this with her hand and say, go get the piece, and we would rise and honor her and you go get the peace. But we sat down in silence. And everybody would say what well mannered grandchildren you have, oh my gosh, and that gave her pride. So imagine, I come here to give me the opportunity to advocate for myself, but I never could advocate for myself. I can never do anything different. We had to do what we were told to do. In a customary fashion that represented my culture, okay, so now we get, we get into this phase where I'm going into adulthood, and I never use my voice in my own home. So now I'm going to go into the work world. And I've never tried this thing called my throat like, I don't know how this works. So I just have this factor that I'm like, 21 I never had a chance to use it. Well, I go into the workforce, and I realized I was doing the exact thing I had done at home, sit down, be pretty sideways, smile, don't say much. Keep your head down, show up every day. That was what I was taught to do at home and got admiration for it there. But in the work world, people pay you to contribute value to that team, that workplace, whatever it was, and I wasn't necessarily doing a good job of it. Here. I was thinking that somehow miraculously if I did a great job of sitting down, sitting sideways, smiling, being well dressed, someone would miraculously find me and you're number one, it didn't happen. You're number two, it didn't happen. You're number three. So we go on subsequent years. And I'm realizing no one is coming here to find me. And something that I talk about a lot is that I was becoming a liability in the workplace, I was going to be fired. And I knew that I was becoming that person that just couldn't figure out how to be able to speak up. So when I say these small deposits, I was the kind of person that was taught, and I was conditioned not to do this. But if I'm going to lose my job, because of the fact that I chose not to speak up, because I've been conditioned, that as a woman, you are not to do these things that was at home, but in the workplace, if I saw something going wrong, if I saw that I wasn't contributing my best to project or maybe I worked on a project with three other people, and something was wrong, and I didn't speak up, then whose fault is it? So now I had to learn how to use my voice, even in fear, to be able to say, I worked on a project with three other people. Tom did that wrong. And I'm going to tell you how Tom did this wrong, Tom, you could have done the following. And the thing is, I didn't say it with confidence. I just said It. So the small deposits of me even trembling to start using an activating my genius voice would allow me to say, I did it once. The second time. You did it twice, you did it three times did it for two and you just keep doing it until it becomes a habit. And then I learned how to be able to do everything from not only just speaking up for myself, but to negotiate my salary was on the line to negotiate a promotion. And then eventually when I left corporate America to build a business to go in and bid for contracts, to go out and be able to give speeches, imagine I was the shyest girl in the room. When I actually graduated from high school, I kept my head down, like don't ask me to do anything and now to speak in front of 10,000 20,000 people is nothing to me because small amount of things that I did over time with the fear my voice just getting to do it. So I try to make sure that women understand you don't just get it one morning and say, Man, I'm confident that's it. Like it doesn't happen like that. Right, you have to unlearn some programmed thinking that whether it's familial, whether it's cultural, whether it's systemic, you have to unlearn a lot of those things and start practicing the voice that you want to use to be able to stand up for the things that you need to stand up for, which allows you to increase your value in the workplace. So that's kind of how I did I had to, I had to unlearn the ply thinking that for so many of my formative years kept me behind I was I was literally behind the eight ball for at least a good decade, because it just couldn't get my grandmother's voice with two seconds to be able to say, you know what, that may have worked as a stay at home wife that may have worked in her time, but it doesn't work today. And I had to unlearn that and all of my cousins and I we have these accountability talks, where we talk about how long it took us to unlearn program learning that was hereditary was cultural, and it was really keeping us in a place of just Ultimate fear. And now we've all come out to do different things and using our voice to do that.

Julie- Host : 12:05

You know, it's interesting because my background is in instructional design and, and learning specific to adults. And one of the things that I learned through my degree program and then subsequent having little children is that we learn everything you know, we learn how to swallow, we learn how to eat, we learn how to walk, and then somehow when we get older, we actually sort of forget that, yeah, that we learn everything and that we also have to give ourselves grace and time to be able to keep learning and that who we are today is not necessarily who we are in the future. So I love hearing that you were you started at such a different place than where you are now because it gives me hope for myself, but also for all the people who are going to be listening that you know are past and our present does not dictate our future. Exactly. So yeah, I appreciate that story so much specific to women. And given your experience because I know you've done so much research, you've written so many articles, why is it especially key for women to be confident? What does that allow us as women to do and to achieve?

Carol Sankar : 13:24

I think it's especially important for women because we have had a what I like to call a marginalized voice for a very long time, you have to remember that women only really had the right to vote the right in the workplace only 59, almost 60 years ago. So this was not, you know, although I believe that I'm 19 still, so. We're too We're too young to remember that, right. If you think about it from that standpoint, you know, think about like, I personally remember my mother telling me stories about when she came to America in the 70s. And she could not buy a car without. And that was 1975 or 78. I don't remember exactly what year and she said, when you will go to a dealership, you can have the credit, you can have the job, you can have the money, but the cosigner had to be a man. And it wasn't until 1976 in legislative terms like this is like research you can look this up 1976 that women can get a credit card. If you think about it. It's not that long ago. No, it's not. I mean, for you know the millennials who thinking Oh, that was a long time ago. That's not a long time ago. So if you fast forward that journey, even if you give 10 years for it to become kind of known that women can have credit cards that would have been 1986 before it became formal. My mother didn't get her first car in this country till 1982. Think about that. She could not get a car on her own. She had to have either a male cosigner, which was my father, or you know someone else like my grandfather or some other men, there was just no way for her to finance her own car. So imagine this is this is something that's fairly recent, I believe that women, especially women, today, we have been conditioned by our mothers, we've been conditioned by the women before us. And so your mother taught you what she knew. So my mother taught me what she knew. By the time I was the age that she was when she came to this country, I could get a credit card. I didn't think of it as anything, but her whole thinking was, maybe you can't maybe you can't get a car, maybe you can't get a credit card. So what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to deprogram women into thinking how our mother's made us think because when we're going into the workplace, we're being paid pennies on the dollar compared to every man is $1 for every man and depending on your race, there's a separate dollar for every woman and depending on your culture, there's another separate dollar for every woman. So when we factor that in women are going into the workplace and we're being silent. We are sitting there being underpaid, doing the same job. And we're sitting there hoping that one day we'll get an equal dollar for equal work, but it's not happening. So as much as we're advocating for ourselves, in some way the fight is not equal in the fight is actually not simultaneous to different fights. Like we don't fight for ourselves that way. A lot of times we suffer and struggle with our own pain. And we know we're being under compensated. And the only thing we do is we complain to other people who are also being under compensated, we don't think you know who I should really take this to, I should take it to my boss, like we don't do that. We take it to each other. And you say, Well, how much do you make if you even want to talk about money? We say, how much are you making? Making $10 an hour, I'm only making 15. Now you're trying to get the 15 but the average salary for this position is 45 bucks an hour. So you're all off like you're you're all doing it wrong. And I'm not saying that. I want Every woman to fight with some level of vigilance, what I'm wanting women to do is to understand that in order for us to be able to close the value gap, we have to unlearn some of the thinking that our mothers gave us. That was not that long ago. So it's not like it's, you know, centuries ago, we make it seem like, Oh, that was so like, No, it wasn't, you know, I'm not too far I was born in the 70s. I know that that wasn't that long ago. And then we also have to make sure that we are not having these complaints and these conversations with people who are also being under compensated because to people who are having the same problem can never find a solution. We have to find a solution to rooms that already have that. So I'm trying to make sure that women understand the some of the issues that we're having is because we're talking to the wrong people and taking advice from the wrong people.

Julie- Host : 17:46

Yeah, that Yeah, that was just so much good information, a great overview and the whole thing about 1976 with being able to get a credit card on your own as a woman is honestly shocking to me. I didn't No, that fact Oh, really? And that it really wasn't that long ago. Yes. Yeah. So thank you for enlightening me. It's definitely food for thought. So you you talked a little bit about the benefits of women building their confidence. Are there key things that you can suggest that women do to build their confidence things that they can do actionable items or resources, they can look up to make those small deposits in the bank?

Carol Sankar : 18:36

Sure. So one of the things that you need to do is I always say ingest good, factual material. So I am a data driven person. I know I don't sound like it. But I'm 100% data driven. If I show you my whole office, you'd be like, Where do you get out of that room because there's nothing. I like to have data, the data matters because when you're To argue, you have to be able to present facts. So the first thing is get your data don't get data. That is rumors that we have now spread amongst ourselves. Like, we're only paid 79 cents on the dollar, you got to get the data behind that 79 cents. There's a lot of data behind it. That's the first thing you need to do. Learn your data. Don't just get it from places that make you feel good. Get it from places that make you feel uncomfortable. So you know how it was sourced. That's the first thing you need to do. I'd say the second thing is you need to get in groups of relationships with other women who are suffering the same problems. And the reason why is because you will find out that you're not alone, you will find out that you're not the only one because some so much of our problem is we don't want to talk about it. So we suffer with our own pain in our own silence alone. So when I was underpaid back in corporate America, I would curse and carry on in my car by myself because I thought nobody else understood it. I thought, wow, nobody's gonna understand that I'm going to work in this and complaining to me about me and nobody understands and I'm carrying on like a knife by myself because I think any. Yeah, and you know how you come up with the solutions with the radio on and you know what tomorrow I'm gonna say this, that this this this and I'm not going to do any of it right but I'm practicing in the car on the way home. If I was in the community with other women who are struggling with the same in deficiencies as I am and insecurities, I would have known that I wasn't alone. I'm not looking for advice, but I just need to know that it's not just me. And sometimes I think that we have so much shame around admitting that we need to be in community, what we do is we avoid the community because we just don't want to seem to be the only one in the room who may have the problem. I also think that another thing is to women, especially those of you who are still in the workplace, you've got to join your er G and affinity groups and what those are is your employee resource groups. You've got to join those things to find out what other employees Your companies are feeling and thinking and what your company is doing to be able to close any divides that you have in the workplace. The affinity and employee resource groups can be a gift and a curse. But either way, join them because you'll find out that the managers you look up to the the people who you thought were in the C suite, they're all struggling with the same issue. And now you get a better perspective of everything that's going on in the workplace and find the resources because er G's traditionally bring in resources and people to help you to be able to figure out what to do if you are in business and you're struggling with this. Join resource groups within chambers of commerce, other networking groups, find out people who are struggling with the same issues. And you'll see that it's not just you, there's a ton of other people doing the same thing. And then as far as what to read, I always say not just reading great material on the research and the data, but read people who are forward thinking repeat read from people who are already coming up with the solution. Who are already telling you, these are the things that are going to happen in the next five years. So at least you have a head start on what's about to happen. I'm not only concerned with the data from behind me, I'm concerned with the data ahead of me, because I'm looking at people as as thought leaders and as focused problem solvers who are coming up with solutions daily, to be able to close the gap. And now that we have this new work environment that is 100% remote related, we're seeing great data around people who are coming up with solutions for what they like to call work in perpetuity from remote places. And so there may be a chance that conferences are always going to look like this, that the the business the world of business is always going to look like this. So how do you look at the forward thinking of people who need to solve these specific problems? And while you're in it, find out a way for you to solve those problems too. Because also what happens with women who don't have a lot of confidence is they're geniuses because They've been sitting in their own fears for a long time. They got a lot on their mind, right? And so if you notice a deficiency, fix it because you've been sitting on this for a very long time Don't leave the room until you figure out you know what i do think I have a solution to the problem of the problem of the problem and fix it because that that little way of thinking geniusly because you know the solution because you've been with the people who have the problem you've been in the room to hear and see people who are doing it you've read material about the past and you're reading forward thinking material you've got a solution right then and there and so if you put those together I think 2021 is going to be a great year

Julie- Host : 23:39

it's gonna be a great I sure how I'm gonna be a great we got nothing but up I think.

Carol Sankar : 23:50

I mean, look, I can't go further down than this. Like I think as far as going down, we can't go any lower. We do remember January. Do you remember that month of January? Yeah. is the best month of this year. Do you remember how January

Julie- Host : 24:04

was

Carol Sankar : 24:06

knocking? Man, I wish I could just see January one more time.

Julie- Host : 24:10

I'm with you right now. I'm with you. So I would love to go into some of the things that you just talked about a little bit in a little bit more detail either from for myself or for our listeners who who may have questions themselves. So what are the places that you consider to have good data? Like, how do you find reputable real sources, especially given the age of the internet? Yeah. All right.

Carol Sankar : 24:42

So when it comes to finding data, I look for places that have written long standing white papers, traditional white papers, the first place I look for is every university that I can think of. So I'm always in, you know, Harvard looking at their old white papers, Yale, Purdue, I look at the university's white papers because those are pure academic who've done a lot of our previous research. So it gives us a great foundation. So the first place I look for is always a university who already has a women's study department who already has written the white paper for us to be able to research from a lot of times what you'll find in the white paper is basically it's a book, but it's just a book on, you know, PDF format, but it's a book that gives us, I guess, a historic perspective on how academics have seen things forming at a specific time. So if the data was written in 1980, it gave us a historical perspective from 1960 to 1979. That's perfect because it's what I need right now to be able to look at forward thinking. The next thing I also also do is there's some reputable, reputable groups. So like PE W is one of them. The McKinsey studies are another one. I'm in love with all of the Leaning groups and how many of them are connected to so many of these studies. They're also the National Women's Law Association. I think it's called Law Association for women, I can't remember which intermingling these works. But I look at them as well, because they bring in a lot of the legislation that have had to impact women that helps us to be able to define how we're seeing legislative agendas that have impacted women over time. So those are normally the places I go and then when you reading all this stuff, it references other great books that you can read. So the next book you'll find in the catalog of a white paper will tell you that they got their research from x book, then that's what the next book I'm going to read or they got it from this white paper. So then you go, you know, it starts to trail and then you start the witch hunt right in there. Next thing you know, you've got good data around you from people who that's all they used to do when we had books before we had the internet. And that gave you real data that worked for you before you know you can go online on www I don't trust this calm. They actually picked her books and went and researched and not that I don't have time to go into a traditional library that really helps to be able to shave off a lot of the research time for me.

Julie- Host : 27:03

Okay, thank you. Yeah, those are amazing resources in regards to finding people who are forward looking, or have those thoughts about the future? What is your method of finding those people or those voices?

Carol Sankar : 27:21

I mean, network a lot. So I don't know if I have a direct way of explaining it. And so when you're in a habitual network, although I'm an introvert, I'm a habitual networker. So when I'm home, I'm home and I like to be cut off from the world. But when I'm out, I like to get as much out of it as I can. So if I'm going to be out there from going to be networking, if I'm going to be at a networking function, I'm going to use it like a sponge. I'm going to squeeze every bit of liquid out of this moment because I'm not coming back out for another month or two or eight, whatever it is, I choose to do. So when I'm in networking circles, I'm trying to find people who are who would not necessarily think like me, I'm not willing to that level of thinking but People who are thinking in the way that I want to be challenged or want to be supported. So I'm looking for people who are at a certain level that can be able to give me those kinds of resources and tell me you know what they're going through. And I, I'm very transparent. Like I always tell people, I'm just an introvert who has to go outside. So if I'm going to be outside, tell me everything about yourself. And let me learn everything I do about you. And another thing is to you see this thing here? It's called a cell phone. I love myself. I do beautiful. I love it. I don't know if you love yours, but I love my cute little cases. And I like the jewels. It's just what I do. I give people my number. And I dare people to call me directly and why I tell you the cell phone is the most important thing in the networking tool. If you can't get out, give people your number. have conversations on this thing. Don't look at people's Facebook posts on this thing. Use this to network because if you're like me and you don't want to go off for eight more months, at least you have a way of supporting people via text or via group chat, or whatever you need to do and use it specifically for that. So you cut off the need to meet people who are wasting time because honestly because of the block function if I see that you're wasting my time I block you and it's not a problem. But I want to make sure I'm using my phone in the best possible way. So for example, I have nonsense group chats on WhatsApp, and I do that all the time because I'm trying to encourage people to be transparent so I start these WhatsApp groups becoming there we put in as much information as we can for like two hours we have non stop chatting so that I see who's on my level, see who I need to support. Well, I can support and then we create our groups from there and I give people my WhatsApp because that's easier for me to be able to control so just figure out the best way to use this little tool right? It's a beautiful to getting you got to get one of these. This is the best.

Julie- Host : 29:54

Yeah, mine is not nearly as beautiful as yours. I might have to get some inspiration. from yours,

Carol Sankar : 30:01

we've got to get you the blame because the little blings they had the accessories, the blinking, led by just installing the bleeding edge. I don't know what to do when I can't live without rambling on the phone. I mean, I love it. Yeah, I gotta get the blinking, I got to get the blame.

Julie- Host : 30:19

I'll have to find that for myself. I'll hook you up with some blades. Just let me know. I'm good. So it's good. Going back to kind of you know what you were saying before? I love the idea of actually connecting with people using your phone. Mm hmm. I'm on the cusp of that, you know, millennial generation. And sometimes you forget you can talk on it.

Carol Sankar : 30:43

Yeah. Isn't that amazing?

Julie- Host : 30:45

Yeah. So I do love that, especially as a tool to try to find people to connect with, you know, we forget that we can have these conversations and they really are so much more than going in on LinkedIn. Or following someone on Facebook, you know, Twitter, I feel like there's so much value there that we don't always get to capture. So I think that's that's a really good point. And I love the whatsapp group. That's an amazing idea.

Carol Sankar : 31:12

Yeah, Whatsapp is a beautiful invention or you guys can use FaceTime I'm not a real big apple user. I do have an apple, but I don't use those functions, but WhatsApp keeps it very anonymous, so we can really support each other and have organic conversations and you know, it could disappear. That's the wonderful part about WhatsApp.

Julie- Host : 31:30

Yeah, I think that's amazing for you and your mind when it comes to thinking about confidence. What is the most important first step that a woman can take? Uh, for me, even you know, I think about it and I love the idea of little deposits here, little deposits there. And today who I am may not be who I am tomorrow or next year or in 10 years. What's that first step look like in your mind?

Carol Sankar : 31:58

I think that first step is identifying who you are. So I just told you, I'm an introvert who has to be extroverted at times, right?

Julie- Host : 32:06

It's hard for me to believe actually.

Carol Sankar : 32:10

Like, really, like, let me tell you something, I can stay in flannels all day long. It wouldn't even bother me. I can stay indoors, like this quarantine does not really bothering me as much as you think it is. It's just preventing me from going the way I'd like to go. But yeah, I actually like being home. Um, but completely being honest and transparent about who you are. I think as as women, we try to be a replica of everyone else who looks like they're doing well. And so we're not admitting to ourselves, who and what we are and what our core strengths and values look like. And so when I came to this decision that I want to be home X amount of days, or I want to be working in my other companies X amount of days, I had to admit who I am and what my core competency is, and in admitting that I was able to really create the kinds of questions I needed to ask in certain circumstances. In situations, so what I'm saying is to identify and to be able to start building your confidence, you have to first identify who you are. And say it to yourself. I am a person who I am very animated, or I'm a person who likes to be around people or I'm a person who does not like to be able to be around whatever it is, I'm quiet, I'm ashamed of this. This makes me angry, like, you have to identify who you are in your whole totality. Because what you will end up doing is if you don't identify who you are, instead, you identify who you want to be, you only go after who you want to be, and you'll never address the issues of who you are. And for me, I had to address all the issues of who I am first, in order to be of service to anybody else. Always remember this. When you go on a plane, the pilot says that the plane is about to go down, not in this specific language, but if the plane is about to go down, the masks are going to fall. Put your mask on before you help anyone else. And a lot of times as women we want to help the world and we want to imitate everyone who's doing human things. In the world humanitarian efforts in the world, but we haven't saved ourselves. So I'm very transparent about who I am, where my deficiencies are, why go and make those deposits. I know I'm making it from my place of comfort, not from your place of comfort. I'm not telling you how to be confident, I'm telling you, I built my confidence because I did the following things. I'm giving you a strategy of how I built me. And so when you're building you, the first thing you need to do is be very honest about who you are and what your deficiencies are.

Julie- Host : 34:28

I love that answer. It sounds simple, but I'm even thinking right now for myself. I'm like, wow, how would I define my own self, but it's really good. It's important for me to think about Yeah, and happy to answer that I think soon. So one of the other things that I really loved that you talked about was how you said confidence is a beautiful accessory. I love that especially as a woman that we love to you know, sort of pick out cute things for ourselves or You know having that as a thought like oh I need to put on my confidence today as well as and wear that every day along with my makeup along with the nice clothing I put on. How did you come to that thought and if you could kind of explain how do you envision that for women.

Carol Sankar : 35:19

I came up with that thought because I am an accessory fanatic but I don't wear jewelry. So I wear a lot of bracelets and not wearing any now because I didn't want the sound to be here but I wear a lot of bracelets that's my thing and my bracelet has to match my shirt. It's just the thing I decide I always have bangles that match everything so I mean down to the shade you don't have like you wear that thing and you feel gorgeous whether it's a shoe or whether it's a pair of pants, whatever it is, or whether you reach your ideal goal weight something your hair do something for me it is bangles so when I'm wearing my bangles, I can tell you that I even want people to look at them I because I want you to see what I've done like Do you see how I color coordinate. And it makes me feel different. If I don't have that thing on, I don't function in my own fullness like I function from a place of lack. And I function from a place of fear, because I don't feel like I feel pretty. If I don't if I have to put a hat on my head, because it's raining, I'm like, Oh my gosh, nobody can see all this hair, like, I'm functioning from a place of lack, because I'm not functioning from my place that I feel most confident. So I say it's an accessory, because whatever that thing is, that you need to feel beautiful. Don't worry about what the world thinks of it. It makes you feel good, too much of us. What we do is we look for outside validation. It's an internal thing. Just because the bracelet is pretty to you. You have no idea what it means to me that I don't need your compliment from my validation. I need my validation so you can see how good I feel about myself. And if we continue to do that everyday, you'll find doubt that confidence is really an accessory is that thing that you have that you just never tapped into is that thing that you have that you've never put on, it's that thing that you have, that you've probably never recognized. And what you have to do with it is wear it every day. And you have to wear all of it. If it's Cologne, if it's perfume, it's it prepares us. I don't care what it is, when you put that thing on, you know how you feel. We'll put that thing on and then put on your deposit slip, like you go into the bank, because when you go out there in the world, everyone knows she feels good about herself. When men do it, you know, they'll put on a fancy watch and a lot of Cologne and their hair gel and next thing they go outside and the world is paying them attention. Well, we need to do the same thing to have that same level of validation and I also add this to it. Don't do it for the thing you want. Do it for what you have. A lot of times I find that women only feel confident when they get the thing that they want. If they say you know what, when I get the job, I'll be more confident When I get the house I'll be more confident when I get the what the car, whatever it is, don't do it for the thing you want. Do it for what you have. If you don't exercise it in the moment you're in, what you will feel is when you get the thing you want, you still don't have confidence. And so if you're doing it to get the car so that you look good enough to be able to take the photoshoot for the business that you want to build. You get the car all new cars smell horrible after like two months you're done with it. Because you realize it does the same thing that the old car does. Yes, start it you look at the gas meter and make sure it doesn't shut off and you drive it a Tesla does nothing different than a Mercedes Benz is nothing different than a Rolls Royce. You just look good. And after a while you're finished with it. It's like a new toy for a kid that use zoom, zoom, zoom zoom Two days later, like, did you put the toy out already? Yeah, I'm done with it. I got it. I played with it. Then. Don't do it for the thing you want. Do it for the thing that you're in right now the season you're in at this point and then work on it. Building your confidence as you go along because when you get that thing you realize you're not as in love with it as you think like I said, Every new car starts smelling old after like two months and then what? Are you still in love with this new car? You're gonna need another one is that what you're doing it for you're doing for external validation do it for you. And the external validation will be attracted to you become a magnet for those things.

Julie- Host : 39:21

How is it that a woman who really wants to be more confident can get past sort of those boundaries that she set for herself? And, and you know, take that first step to being more confident, especially in the workplace? Sure,

Carol Sankar : 39:37

so it's especially now I think that the main thing that a woman has to identify is in her company in her in the role she's in it, she's becoming a liability. So like I said earlier, I recognize when I was becoming a liability when I was being ignored when I was passed over for promotions that I thought that I was equally eligible for or qualified for I've recognized that I was, you know, being passed over for just the smallest things like I was being passed over for opportunities to network within the company. I remember one of the companies that I worked for they were having a company barbecue. Guess who didn't get the invitation, right? I didn't get the invitation because I didn't. I didn't. I didn't take the position seriously. So if you start realizing you're becoming a liability, you're just sitting there to fill a space. Just be very mindful. It's because you haven't shown any confidence. Can I also give you a great example. The movie, what is it called? Is it called the office? where, you know, we're asking for the TPS report? I think it's called the office. It's an old eight like early 90s. Movie. And when the main I think it's called the office, you got to look for it. It's like this. I mean, antiquated humor in the worst way. These people go to work. They hate their job, everybody in the movie hasted And all of them are planning to quit but they can't quit. All of them have rent to pay but they can't quit. And this one guy goes and he gets. He goes to hypnotherapist, and the hypnotherapist. hypnotizes him, but the hypnotherapist dies while he hypnotized him stuck in his hypno hypnotherapy and he has no idea how to go back to work because he wanted to be hypnotized to then learn how to relax at work. He becomes a liability at work because he's hypnotized because he doesn't like I don't, I don't feel like so the whole movie is about how to get him out of this this hypnotized state that he's in, because he immediately becomes a liability because he comes when he wants, he does what he wants. So he's basically just taking up space. In the end, a lot of us as women, we go to work with the best intentions, and we do want the promotion but we just not sure who to speak to say if you're starting to see yourself as a liability which is easy to To define you being passed over for promotions, you're looking and you know, let's just say your coworker Karen is interacting with Bob. And then Karen, all of a sudden gets a promotion. Don't say that she's doing anything else with Bob, just assume that Bob is a sponsor to get her in the room, do your best to figure out what relationships you're going to need to get to the next level. Because a lot of times when we go to work, we don't identify those relationships soon enough, we identified them way too late. And then we are not participating, especially now that we're in the zoom reality. If you're on your zoom meeting with your team in your office, guess what, don't just sit there. Don't just keep your camera off, put your camera on, get dressed, sit there and participate. Because now more than ever, real estate, especially in the commercial state space is going to come down to a science Do we need all this office space? And how can we eliminate so that if we do go back to work in 2021, or even 2020 who Can we eliminate as because we're going to need each desk to be empty next to us. And if Karen is not creating any opportunities for this company, let's get rid of her. So when you're on those Zune calls participate, even if you don't know what to say, ask a question. Make sure people can hear your voice. It could be a stupid question, but it's a question. Now people like we have somebody here named Karen. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you're asking about the pencils? It's not a stupid question. It's getting your voice heard. And so that the next meeting then when they say, you know, Karen, somebody and Karen did ask about pencils, and your desk is next to someone who's already not considered a liability. You will have a desk back because the office is changing. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Gender Equity is going to be at the top of this conversation when we enter the workplace. Because if you're not a necessity, and you are a liability, you're not coming back to work when we open our doors.

Julie- Host : 44:00

Yeah. And I love that just making sure that you participate in the conversation. Not be a wallflower.

Unknown Speaker : 44:07

Yeah, just

Julie- Host : 44:09

so yeah. And especially in a changing world, you know, we're all learning what it's going to look like day by day. In closing, are there things that you're doing for yourself that you wouldn't mind sharing Bert how women can continue to build our network in the current time and to reach out to continue to act confidently build our skill set and keep moving up in our careers and moving forward?

Carol Sankar : 44:35

Sure. I think the first thing that we need to do is we need to look at our social media all over again, reevaluate this time to do a sweep out anyone who's taking up space again, going back to my liability, conversation is a liability. Anyone who is drowning you have your own confidence by maybe positioning the news in a way that you don't want to hear right now. clean it out, or start all over again for that matter. Because social media is going to be a new construct for how we get together, it's going to be the new stepping stone. And so, from LinkedIn, to Facebook to Twitter, if it's bothering you, if it's something you don't like seeing on your timeline, get rid of that person or get rid of that medium, so that you can create new value because this is how we're gonna do things for a while, right? So let's get used to that. So the first thing is when you're cleaning out social media, only bring back the people who have added value positive reinforcement, telling you things that are honest and truth and let me be honest with you about the honest truth part, honesty, and truth comes at a very high price. And so a lot of times we don't like to hear honesty and truth because we assess it as criticism. It's not criticism, it's honesty and truth. It's very hard for us to accept so if you think that someone is criticizing the way you look, the way you this, that the other, don't take it as that just try to see if that is reality. And maybe it's something you need to work on. So clean out your social media wheelhouse right about now. I have been very busy. Doing that I've been limiting my engagements on certain social media platforms because some of the inboxes that I get are just pure propaganda and right now I can't afford it like, I can't afford another one called nonsense like, I just can't. I am homeschooling of teenager cooking more than ever I'm cleaning, I'm doing the laundry, I am managing a team, I'm doing conference. Like I can't do, guess what just happened. Like, I can't do that no conspiracy theories, I don't have time for it. So if you're the kind of person at three o'clock when you should be doing something, to make a difference in the lives of others, you're sending me a conspiracy theory directly from your inbox, you are no longer a friend. And you might not be a friend on social media and in real life. So we're cleaning our house because I don't want people accessing this mental capacity I've got and renting up space if they didn't pay for so we're not even doing that. So that's that's the first thing you need to do. The second thing is when you see zoom rooms You that are outside of the workplace, please join. Please join. Don't just sit there. Please join, find ways to say, oh, there's a zoom thing taking place about this. Join and do yourself a favor when you join, be honest and transparent. Don't just sit there. Just join. And then the last thing you need to do is invite people to have exploratory conversations with you. So because I have been indoors since March, I've been inviting people look, I don't normally do the phone thing. When I say the phone thing. I don't normally do consultations or anything like that. But I've been inviting people in that need that level of support. What can I learn from you? What can you learn from me? How can we exchange value to each other, that is going to matter? Because when we do open up our doors, everybody's mindset is going to be different. We're probably going to be wearing gloves and face masks for a very long time. But can I support you while you're in the middle of transitioning to know what social distancing is and how you're feeling about you know certain things with your kids. I've also been supporting A lot of working mothers because I also feel the pressure that we're feeling as mothers because this new liabilities on is called no childcare and no school is hard. What was going on before childcare and school? What? How did we manage? What do we do with these things? I know for me, my son has been in and out of the kitchen and the refrigerator at five times a day and then says stupidness, like, I can't find what I'm looking for. Because Because you ate it, because you ate it. Five minutes ago, as a matter of fact, you slept the residue on your mouth, and you're asking me about something else, because you're not holding this often. And now that you are we happen to find ways to actually create spaces for women, especially mothers to be able to support each other because the stress of trying to work and maybe you have a toddler running around, maybe you have a dog running around in the background. Maybe you just don't have that confined office space that you want. How do we create this space? that women don't worry about perfection worry instead of worried about progress. And so all of those of you create those environments, we build a healthier network. And again, it all starts with who you want in that network. Who do you want to know? And then create the value around that to you invite people into those spaces.

Julie- Host : 49:17

They're awesome, great tips. Thank you so much for your time today and just all your wonderful advice and I know it's it's a new world and sort of new setting for everyone. But I so value all of your tips about confidence, how can we can be more confident as women as people and then also, hopefully the idea of people can use all those tips that you've provided to create a positive future especially in these unknown times for being president or being president that would be

Carol Sankar : 49:52

we will change that. Don't worry, I don't know when but in our lifetime, it will happen.

Julie- Host : 49:58

Um, thank you. Yeah, so being present, um, you know, being aware of actionable steps you can take and also all those amazing resources you provided for things that people can do to take action today and have their future and a month or one year or 10 years, include that accessory of confidence and and hopefully be someplace different that they love. So thank you so much. You're

Carol Sankar : 50:27

welcome. I appreciate it.

Julie- Host : 50:30

My hope is that our conversation has given you inspiration, ideas and actionable steps you can take to create your own path for the future. Thank you so much for listening. Hey, everybody, thank you so much for listening to women with cool jobs. I'll be releasing a new episode every two weeks. So make sure you hit that subscribe button and if you love the show, please give me a five star rating. Also, it would mean so much if you share this episode with someone you think would love it or would find it inspirational. And lastly, do you have ideas for future shows? Or do you know any Rockstar women with cool jobs? I would love to hear from you. You can email me at Julie at WomenwithCoolJobs .com or you can find me on Twitter, Instagram, at women will job again that's at women full jobs. Thank you so much for listening and have an incredible day. Transcribed by https://otter.ai