Intimate Covenant Podcast

Thanksgiving Q&A Leftovers (sex when upset, infertility, filming ourselves, and more...) [151]

November 13, 2023 • Intimate Covenant -- Matt & Jenn Schmidt • Episode 151

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In this episode, Matt & Jenn are sharing several segments from Q&A sessions that didn't make it into a previous episode. But, these questions are too good to leave out, so we're excited to include them here!

Here’s what we’re covering:

  • How do I have sex when I’m disappointed in or upset with my spouse?
  • How can we handle infertility with faith and godliness?
  • Should we film ourselves having sex?
  • How can I overcome body shame that is hindering my sexual enjoyment and relationship?
  • How to have deeper emotionally connective conversations?


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Open Door Financial Advisors www.opendoorfa.com
Where finances meet faith and family.

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  Cherishing,
  Matt & Jenn

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 www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt

Speaker 1:

Hey, jen ready for some leftovers. It's not even Thanksgiving yet, Great today we're gonna share some clips from some previous Q and A sessions that didn't make it into previous episodes. Let's do it. ["the End of the World"]. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast, where we believe the Bible and Great Married Sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant-bound intimate relationships with hot sex.

Speaker 2:

We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, IntimateCovenantcom.

Speaker 1:

Welcome, friends.

Speaker 2:

Welcome and happy Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1:

Happy Thanksgiving, as this episode should be our last one prior to the best holiday of the year, that is, thanksgiving.

Speaker 2:

You're upsetting the Santa fans out there, Matt.

Speaker 1:

Sorry, santa fans, but Thanksgiving far exceeds Christmas in terms of the enjoyment of the holidays, in my not-so-humble opinion.

Speaker 2:

In your not-so-humble opinion. That also means that probably everybody has guessed that we are not the family that decorates for Christmas before Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1:

No, that is not going to happen as long as I am alive in this house.

Speaker 2:

But come Saturday we will be decorating Much to my chagrin.

Speaker 1:

Christmas time does come around, Not that it's bad, but just not my favorite.

Speaker 2:

You enjoy the Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1:

I like it more.

Speaker 2:

I don't know what it is, that's all right. I just like it more, that's all right.

Speaker 1:

We would be remiss, however, with this episode if we did not express our deepest gratitude for all of those of you who continue to support us with your encouragement, your financial contributions, your downloads, and for sharing this ministry with your friends. We are so very thankful for you and for all of the support that you have given us.

Speaker 2:

Right, right it's. It has been another tremendous year for intimate covenant, a year of growth, a year of making new friends, and a lot of those friends have come alongside us in the very real way, as we call it, of supporting us financially, and they're doing that through Patreon, and so if you would like to come alongside and be one of those really cool friends of ours we're so thankful for, yes.

Speaker 1:

And now's a good time to do that because for a limited time, while supplies last, if you join us on Patreon, you will get some cool swag.

Speaker 2:

Intimate Covenant swag.

Speaker 1:

I mean, who does someone that?

Speaker 2:

you can get all of the details by looking on patreoncom slash intimate covenant and it'll let you know what levels you could join us at and what swag you get.

Speaker 1:

We would certainly be grateful to have you there for as little as $5 a month. You can join us in that way and really make a big difference to in continuing this effort and in this, this ministry. So thank you to all of you who are already supporting us through Patreon. We have had a significant growth in the number of Patreon subscribers in the recent weeks and months.

Speaker 2:

And we're excited about that because that money does go to something more than paying our light bills. It is actually going towards intimate covenant and intimate covenant expenses, such as upgrading our recording equipment.

Speaker 1:

Yes, but in spite of that tremendous generosity we could not afford to hire an audio and video technical expert.

Speaker 2:

We've had a lot of boxes arrive at our house with really cool new upgraded recording equipment and we're still working on figuring it all out.

Speaker 1:

So bear with us as we dial in these settings. Hopefully this is coming through in a decent way, but we hope to get that dialed in in the coming weeks and episodes and certainly we'd appreciate your feedback on that. If this sounds just terrible and you need to say, Matt, try again, please send that to us and we'd be happy to try to make some adjustments. But this upgrade also explains why on this week's episode there's no video on YouTube.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you don't get to see our beautiful faces this week.

Speaker 1:

We just couldn't get it all incorporated this week as much as we tried. It is coming, so we should have some nice, clear, crisp audio, as well as beautiful new video coming soon on YouTube and to the podcast distribution format near you.

Speaker 2:

We're excited about that and, speaking of thankfulness, we just also want to take a moment to extend a very special thanks to Derek Finley and Open Door Financial Advisors for their incredibly generous support of the podcast this year. Derek has just been a tremendous blessing to Intimate Covenant and we're honored to be partnering with Open Door in this really special way for us.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and equally so, we are grateful to Derek for the way that he has helped us personally with just expert and personalized financial advice. Open Door is truly a blessing to our family and we are very thankful for Derek and we know that he can help your family as well. So that's why we just so very highly recommend Open Door Financial Advisors. You can and should get ahold of Derek at opendoorfacom, where finances meet faith and family.

Speaker 2:

So for this week's episode we've chosen a few clips from various Q&A sessions that we've had over the past year that just haven't quite made it into a previous episode, and we just as we put those together. We can never publish a full Q&A session from the various events we've been to, because they would just make for a really long podcast, but some of them are just so good that we hate not to share them, we hate to leave them out, and so we kind of collect those if you will, and this week we're including them here for you.

Speaker 1:

So here's what we're covering, Although I guess, before we get to that, let me just add you may have a similar circumstance to some of these questions that are being asked. We would certainly love to have your feedback, because maybe you have a related question or perhaps you have a better answer than what we're giving in these episodes, in these responses. So we'd love to have your questions, your comments, your feedback. You can send that to us via email podcast at intimatecovenantcom or submit an anonymous question. If you just don't want to be named, Submit that through our website at intimatecovenantcom. Slash podcast.

Speaker 2:

We love hearing from you guys. We read every word you send us. We love it when you continue the conversation, and several of you are really good at sending those emails and that means a lot to us. Matt and I have said all along we're not here to be the experts, we're just here to start the conversation. So we love it when you tell us hey, I think you got it right here and have you thought about it from this aspect, or maybe you just frankly got it wrong? You can tell us that too.

Speaker 1:

We can handle that, we can handle your feedback and we really value that. Yeah, we definitely value that.

Speaker 2:

All right. So the questions that we're covering in this episode. We have about five questions and they're not related in any way, but they're really good questions. The first one was that we're going to share with you guys is how do I have sex when I'm disappointed in or upset with my spouse? Then we have. How can we handle infertility with faith and godliness?

Speaker 1:

Another great question that Jen was excited to answer Should we film ourselves having sex?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, then there was the question how can I overcome body shame that's hindering my sexual enjoyment and relationship, and, lastly, how to have deeper, emotionally Connective conversations.

Speaker 1:

So great, yeah. So these are all great questions. We can't wait to share our responses with you on this episode right now. How can you be sexually open to your spouse when you are disappointed or upset at them? I chose this because I think it goes on. It dovetails very nicely to the conversation we just had, right.

Speaker 2:

How do you have sex when you're so frustrated At one another, right, don't? We often treat sex as like the icing on the cake, like when the relationships going well, we assume that's when we'll be having sex. But in the middle of conflict, do we turn towards sex Sometimes? Sometimes you're turning towards sex just as a coping mechanism. You're just using it then.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for some couples the best sex happens when they're fighting. Now there's a lot of passion that gets built up and sometimes that's the best way to forget about the real problems that we have in our Relationship and let's just focus on some temporary pleasure. But for most couples, when there is tension and anxiety and conflict in the relationship, sex gets kind of it's the first thing to get pushed aside. How can I be intimate and loving with this person that I despise? And that's a fair question. That's a real, fair question. That's a real question. Right, we've all been there. I Don't think it is helpful to force people to have sex and I'm certainly would not suggest that and don't you dare go home and say magic and said you have to have sex with me.

Speaker 1:

I mean, in general, sex is a pretty good barometer of the relational health. If there is Regular, satisfying sex occurring, then the relationship probably is in a pretty good spot. Because, again, we push sex to the side is the first thing to go. Why is that? Though that may, that's maybe a bigger question. Why is that the first thing to go? Well, because it requires vulnerability, and I don't want to be vulnerable with someone who is hurting me. The more they're hurting me, the less I want to open myself up to them. So how do you have sex when you're disappointed or upset? Well, the first place to go might be to figure out why I'm disappointed and upset with them, and maybe let's try to work on that. But are you gonna work out all of the conflicts and all of the problems that you have in one conversation or two conversations?

Speaker 2:

or your life time.

Speaker 1:

No. So at some point you have to get to the point where you know what we don't necessarily agree about how we're paying the bills this month, but I love you, I'm committed to you. We're gonna do it together. We're gonna figure out how this is gonna work. I upset you yesterday. You upset me yesterday. We I'm willing to get past that.

Speaker 2:

I'm willing to forgive you for that, and Now we can use sex as a place for healing and for restoration and for building and man, what a powerful tool and guess what, when you're in those moments then a Feeling that deep connection, well, that changes how you view that conflict right, that changes how what your level of upset or disappointment is. Does it make the problems go away? No, but your goal isn't to make the problems go away. Your goal is to be a we, not a me versus you, and Sex is a powerful tool to do that. So stop treating it like icing on the cake. It's the glue that I mean. It's the egg that holds the cake together. It is the glue of your marriage. Sex shouldn't just happen when everybody's feeling great and there's roses. Probably never happen if that's the case.

Speaker 1:

So when you're disappointed and upset, the place to go is how do we rebuild our connection? Sex will, can and should be a part of that, but focus on rebuilding the connection.

Speaker 2:

For couple who are trying to have children but haven't gotten pregnant yet. How can we handle that situation with faith and godliness?

Speaker 1:

Infertility In, no matter how it comes, whether that looks like just simply not an inability to conceive or Even having miscarriages Infertility is certainly a place of grief and struggle, and Sometimes infertility I mean I maybe that's not the right term, but sometimes that's just simply a, a choice that that a couple has had to make because of circumstances, and that also can be very challenging and very difficult, especially if one of you is not necessarily on the same page as the other In terms of when you want to have children, how many children, that sort of thing. Those are certainly places for conflict, but also places for growth.

Speaker 2:

And there's a lot of pain that gets associated with infertility, whatever scenario you might be walking through within that, and so it is super easy when, in times of struggling with your fertility, to tie all of those emotions into your sex life, and your sex then becomes about creating or not creating a child, and that's a hard place to be, and so our advice to you would be to the best of your ability, number one, acknowledge that, be upfront with one another. But I think it's really important at any point in your marriage to take the advice we've already offered, and that is see that the purpose of sex is connection, even when you are hoping that your sex also equals the creation of a life. The primary purpose of sex in your marriage is connection with one another, and so it's going to be especially important that that remain your focus and your goal. Now, obviously, when you're dealing with infertility, if you are trying to create a life, there's a lot of advice that gets thrown at you as far as timing and how and the winds and the wares, and that can really mess up your ability to just relax and just enjoy one another. So you're going to have to be very mindful and very proactive and intentional.

Speaker 2:

I think the biggest piece of advice I could offer is make sure that every time you're having sex is not about creating a baby. So you've got to do steps to make sure that you are connecting with one another sexually outside of that desire to create a baby. Now that may mean, like we said earlier, you've got to broaden your definition of sex. Maybe intercourse is only going to be able to happen in certain settings and times and periods in this path of yours to create a baby, and so therefore broaden out from that. There is a lot of things that you can be doing to share sexual energies together. Make sure you're doing that with one another, and promoting that connection.

Speaker 1:

I mean again, procreation is obviously a purpose for sex, but I would suggest it's not even the primary purpose for sex. It ought to be about making connection. There are certainly ways even under the duress of trying to conceive or whatever other things might need to be happening for that to take place there are still ways to make it fun and connecting. That ought to be our purpose, and in that way then both of you can co-create something that is both fun but also strengthening your relationship, and that is a way that you can join hands and face a conflict together. You can face a difficulty together and keep it from becoming something that causes resentment and separation, and keep sex and keep the intimacy in your relationship from becoming an obligation and a burden.

Speaker 2:

And lastly I would say no matter what the difficulty is that you're walking through in your marriage, don't spend your days waiting for one day. It's so important that you learn to have contentment now with whatever it is that you have now. That might be really hard, you might be walking through some really hard situations, but if we spend our days waiting for the one day, we are missing what we have right now.

Speaker 1:

We are considering filming ourselves having sex for our own enjoyment good idea or a recipe for disaster? Like every question, the first place to start is immoral or immoral? Is there any guidance? In terms of the morality? I can't say that. I can give you even biblical principles that would suggest that it is immoral. But the next place that you have to go is is it wise or unwise? And specifically, is it wise or unwise for our particular circumstances in relationship? Is it a good idea or not? I don't think I have enough information to tell you whether it is a good idea or not for your circumstances, but you ought to be very careful about what the potential consequences could be. If it is permanently recorded, then it is potentially accessible to someone who you would not want to have access to it. So and I'm sure there's plenty of folks out here who could help you figure out how to very securely lock it down under all of the digital keys but those very same people can tell you that none of those systems are 100% reliable. So those are some considerations.

Speaker 2:

If it works for you, if you're willing to take those risks and recognize you know we're going to do all the steps we can to keep it safe, then that's your decision. But I think the big question is consider your why. What is your why for this? If there is enjoyment for you and having that together as a couple and that why is, you know, healthy and a wholesome reason that we're just going to enjoy this together then that could be a good thing. But if your why is that one of you then is going to use that in a way that would encourage them to then not be spending time with you? It's probably not a healthy reason.

Speaker 2:

So if your why is well we're going to create this and then, when I don't want to have sex with you, you could just go look at that and take care of things. That's not healthy, right Then? Is that a place of connection, or is it become a crutch just to meet somebody's need? Great point how can I overcome shame in my physical appearance that hinders me from fully giving myself to and enjoying physical intimacy with my spouse? I appreciate this question and I'm going to let you all know that this question is asked in some form every single place we go to. This is a problem amongst so so many of us, and usually wives, although not just this is not just a wife problem, but we are bombarded daily, men and women, with being told what beauty is.

Speaker 2:

We're specially bombarded with the message of what sexy is, and it all revolves around a certain body type, body shape, set of numbers. And I'm going to I'm here to tell you that sexy has nothing to do with body numbers. It has everything to do with your mindset. You can choose how much power you're giving to Satan, because he is the one who is trying to get you to decide that he gets to define beauty. When you listen to him, you're giving him power and you're allowing him to rob you of the very thing that God said you. I love you so much. I am giving you this beautiful, precious, perfect gift with your beloved. Don't give Satan the power to rob you of enjoying what God has given to you.

Speaker 1:

I think it's important that the person who asked this question even uses the term shame. I appreciate your use of that language, especially in light of how we have used that language today, but I think something that's really important when I am feeling shame over something is critical to first recognize when is the shame coming from. Because shame is the feeling that I am not living up to a particular standard. The question then to ask myself is am I, is, do I have shame because I am not living up to God's Standard or is it to some other standard that I am failing and If it's not.

Speaker 1:

God standard, then my shame is illegitimate, my shame is unnecessary. If, if my shame is because of man's standard or someone else's standard or Whatever other, wherever place that standard might be, then I have Put more value in that standard than in God's standard. And guess what that's called in the Bible idolatry. You want to know what idolatry is? Not falling down and worshiping wooden statues. Idolatry, I mean? Yes, it is, but more applicable today. Idolatry is Is bowing down to standards that God did not design.

Speaker 2:

So yes, it's a problem.

Speaker 1:

It is a. It's a huge problem. Women struggle with this, primarily men. We struggle with our own standards that are not biblical and not godly and not holy. We all have shame from sources that we don't need to have shame over. Sometimes that's where it has to start. Where is the shame coming from and whose standards am I bowing down to?

Speaker 2:

No, because this question is most often asked by a woman. I'll speak to it from that way, and mostly I want to speak to husbands, because you play a huge role in helping her believe that she is beautiful. You are the loudest voice. If you use your voice correctly, you can be the loudest voice. She has a lot of voices telling her otherwise, but it is your job To proclaim her beauty, and that's not just the physical what you're seeing, but proclaim her beauty in every way. Help her know that you see her as beautiful in every way. Especially, she needs to know that you see her as beautiful today, not the woman you married 20 years ago, not who you hope she'll be when she's 15 pounds lighter, but that you see beauty today and what's before you and you get to determine that man. You get to decide what is beautiful and God has commanded you To find your beloved beautiful.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I can't say better than that. But, husbands, you, you have a big part to play in this. It's not your problem to get over, but you have a big role to play and your wife knows what you think of her. She knows what you think of her body. Whether you use the actual words or not, she knows. Do you have any specific tips or techniques on training yourself to stop defaulting to logistic conversations and encourage emotionally connective conversations? Great question, thoughtful question. The answer is yes, we do.

Speaker 1:

There are a lot of different tools for this One. I think one of the simplest and easiest tools for you is to invest in a deck of conversation cards. Almost everybody makes these need these days. If you want specific resources, we can provide those, but you can go to John Gottman calm. You can go to. Ultimate intimacy is another group. They have an app and they also have physical cards that you can purchase that are just conversation starters and their questions that are beyond like you know what are we doing for dinner tomorrow that they are questions that just invite Emotional exploration of each other, and and they're also have cards that have sexual topics as well, again to help stimulate and Introduce topics of conversation that are non-threatening.

Speaker 2:

So one thing we frequently do is we take a handful of these cards with us on date night and we might go through 10 cards in one evening. We might only go through one card because often having that, that question Can spur the conversation in a way that you wouldn't admit maybe had the conversation Without the aid of that question, and so that can be a great way to keep that conversation going. I will say, the more you practice this, the easier it becomes.

Speaker 1:

When you start learning how to dig into being curious about your spouse, asking the questions and Learning to listen to one another and wanting to know one another continually, it becomes easier to do this and I'll tell you, even if you ever only buy one deck of Like 50 cards in your lifetime, you will be able to have meaningful conversation, even if you go through that deck 500 times, because I'll tell you, every time you ask the question You're gonna get a different answer Because you're a different person and your spouse is a different person and you've had different experiences in that. In that time it is it's a meaningful way to have meaningful conversations.

Speaker 2:

No, I think a part of this is often we default to logistics conversations because we're scared to be vulnerable, and so You've got to lean into. Why am I afraid to be known, maybe why am I afraid to know my spouse so often? It's so much easier to just have those logistics conversations Because there's a vulnerability that's required. Maybe there's been trust that's been broken and needs to be rebuilt, but you're not gonna rebuild it in the silence. You're gonna be rebuilding that when you will are willing to start talking to one another. Well, thanks for joining us for this episode. That is all the time we have for questions for this week.

Speaker 1:

Maybe we'll share some more later on. In fact, I expect that we'll share some more of these questions with you later on. In the meantime, we would love to hear your feedback, your questions, your comments. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimate covenant calm or to submit anonymous feedback and questions, go to our website intimate covenant calm slash podcast. Thanks again to Derek and open door financial advisors for sponsoring this podcast. Contact open door at open door fa calm where finances meet faith and family.

Speaker 2:

Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast were truly humbled by all your Encouragement and your support. Thanks especially to our patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. We love you and if you would like to join intimate covenant by supporting the podcast and our greater mission To spread God's plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality, subscribe at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant until next time. Happy Thanksgiving, keep striving and don't Settle.