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Intimate Covenant Podcast
Intimate Covenant Podcast
Lessons from China [162]
In this episode, Matt & Jenn share some experiences from their recent trip to China and some life-changing lessons they are bringing back. We think these lessons will impact your marriage too!
- It’s easy to lose focus on eternal priorities and purpose. Revisit this conversation with your spouse frequently.
- Changing your circumstances will not change your marriage. To improve your marriage, you have to lean into the conflict and learn to better serve your spouse.
- We are deeply grateful for all of the amazing and beautiful people whom we have encountered in our Intimate Covenant journey — even those on the other side of the world. Thanks for sharing yourselves with us!
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Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Hey Jin want to talk about learning Chinese. Bo Xi Great. On this episode we want to share some incredible lessons we learned during our recent trip to China. Let's do it. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant Podcast, where we believe the Bible and great married sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant-bound intimate relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2:We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1:Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2:Welcome.
Speaker 1:Hey, jet lag is a real thing.
Speaker 2:Y'all.
Speaker 1:At least it is after you've flown for like 24 straight hours.
Speaker 2:It is intense If you have no idea what we're talking about. Thanks for joining us on the Intimate.
Speaker 1:Covenant yes, welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast.
Speaker 2:And, if you do not know, we have just recently returned from China where we flew yeah, it was, uh, we flew from houston to san francisco and then san francisco to beijing, and the san francisco to beijing flight is a little over 14 hours going there, and on the way back we did it in like 11 and a half hours, I don't know where, why we yeah, there was a little little jaunt down to Xiamen, yeah, well, yeah, so we got into Beijing and we had a domestic flight in China.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, the total amount of time that we have spent on an airplane, it was, it was a lot. There were 24 hours that came and went in which we were still on airplanes and still in airports and let me just tell you, your body doesn't quite know what to do with that when you come home, Especially on the way back.
Speaker 1:It's been rough Rough last week trying to reconvince my body to be in an opposite time zone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we went across the world and then came back, and so, yeah, trying to convince our bodies um that, yeah, we do need to sleep. Anyway, it's dark here, it wasn't yeah, it was an incredible trip.
Speaker 1:We want to tell you a little bit about it and, yeah, really more importantly, we want to talk about some important lessons that we learned, um from our experience that I think are relevant to our marriage and probably, and hopefully, to yours as well yeah, we, we received so many messages from you guys praying for us.
Speaker 2:Just really want you to know what that meant to us to just constantly be getting messages while we were on our trip.
Speaker 1:That was incredible.
Speaker 2:That was really incredible. So, thank you guys for praying, and so, yeah, we wanted to take this opportunity to just spend a few minutes here on this episode of sharing, because I feel like you guys all went on this trip with us, whether you know it or not.
Speaker 1:Certainly felt like it and we are back safely, in no small part because of your support and your prayers. And so, yes, again, thank you for that, your support and your prayers. And so, yes, again, thank you for that.
Speaker 2:We had just such an incredible time in incredible sites beautiful people, interesting food some good, some bad, I suppose, but interesting nonetheless. I would say honestly like that was one thing that I was definitely a little fearful of. I'm not known for being incredibly adventurous when it comes to food, but I committed myself that what was put before me, that's what I'm eating, and I'm definitely wasn't going there just to try to find all the American food, and so you know what I think?
Speaker 1:there's a marriage and sex lesson in that statement. In and of itself, that is nice.
Speaker 2:That's not even in the notes, but that said, I loved the food, and that's surprising to me. Now, there were things that I could have eaten that I didn't eat. Sure, we passed several street vendors that were selling some very interesting things that I took a video of and kept on walking.
Speaker 1:Unidentifiable meats, but also clearly identifiable octopus legs that were grilled on a stick lots of seafood.
Speaker 2:You could pick out your seafood, watch it swimming and then watch it get cooked and I just said thank you, yeah, so lots of fun food.
Speaker 1:Like I mentioned, we spent some time down in the southeast of China in a little place called Xiamen. We were able to enjoy food and street vendors and crafts and even little shopping along little shops, street markets. We even experienced a tea ceremony, which that was amazing. We don't even know how to do tea here in Texas, I mean.
Speaker 2:I realized that my little celestial season, you know little. What is it, is it?
Speaker 1:celestial seasons. Yeah, is that a tea brand?
Speaker 2:That's a tea brand but yeah all of that't stick it in your boiling water and leave it to steep for like four to five minutes. This is not not the same.
Speaker 1:This is not the same anyway so we had some real chinese tea in a very authentic way, served in this very ceremonious uh manner yeah uh, we, we saw the and walked on the great wall.
Speaker 2:Crazy, yeah, very surreal most surreal moment, I think, of my life so far. Uh, satin native snack break on the great wall every time we go hiking I always take a picture of our snack break, but mostly like our feet to like stretched out and resting. This is like my little picture to take and to take that picture with, like the Great Wall of China in the and you know, in the in the background background. I was like foreground, but not foreground but background. Yeah thanks, jet lag y'all.
Speaker 1:We're blaming everything on jet lag.
Speaker 2:Years I've decided jet lag is my pretty much my excuse, but anyhow, yeah, we walked on the Great Wall of China. It was beautiful. We were there during a perfect time of year. The cherry blossoms are in full bloom.
Speaker 1:Oh, everywhere we went.
Speaker 2:Everywhere we went was unbelievable.
Speaker 1:Yes, all of Beijing, all of Tianjin, all of the entire drive out to the Great Wall, just cherry blossoms everywhere and amazing, and also lilacs which were fragrant in the background. I can spell it just thinking about it. Oh, my word, what a great time.
Speaker 2:Within Beijing, we got to do the Temple of Heaven, we went up to the Summer Palace, we saw the Forbidden City, all of which were just mind-blowing in the intricacy of the architect, the beauty of all that we saw.
Speaker 1:So many just bright colors. The glazed tiles, the paintings, vivid, vivid colors, All of it so neatly preserved. Just a beautiful place, beautiful things. Just so many things that are just so far out from our everyday experience.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean in Houston, Texas, we do not pass things that are a thousand years old.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So that was pretty amazing to stand on the great wall and everything else, the hundreds and hundreds of years old. So much rich history and culture, I think the most exhausting thing we did was to barter at the silk market. We put our skills to the test and have fun doing things show.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let me tell you there is no way to successfully negotiate with these determined market people.
Speaker 2:They were determined, but we had fun with them. We had fun.
Speaker 1:We probably overpaid for some things. Maybe we got some good deals on some things, I don't know.
Speaker 2:We came home with cheap China junk that was made in China, and we were in China and we we got it while we were in China.
Speaker 1:So there, I guess there is that we got the memories, we got the souvenirs do you think the whole trip was just a Tourist fun trip?
Speaker 2:the main reason core we went, the reason we were there, exactly was a marriage conference and we it was just a great, great experience. We were able to minister to non-Chinese staff and to help encourage and strengthen their marriages, which was just really humbling to be able to speak into their marriages. We presented sessions over two and a half days in a beautiful, beautiful setting the hotel was gorgeous, that was down in Xiamen and just had lots of opportunities to spend time with these couples, to socialize together, and they made an impact on us?
Speaker 1:Oh for sure. I mean, even without the touristy stuff we did, the trip would have been well worth it just to be able to have spent the time with the couples that we did had a great time there. Um, we also had the opportunity to meet with some couples who did not have the opportunity to travel to the marriage retreat, um, so, yeah, we just we met some beautiful, beautiful, beautiful people, um and uh, if you're listening, those of you in China, our new international friends, we certainly want to give you a shout out and say thanks for making it such an incredible experience for us yeah, I think we came home feeling like I don't know how much we were able to pour into them, but man, they poured into us and that that was pretty powerful.
Speaker 1:Truly impactful yeah, truly so. With this episode, we just cannot help but to want to share with you about this, the recent trip and really, as we mentioned previously, we were. We wanted to talk about some lessons that we learned while we were there, just kind of in thinking about our whole experience, some things that were deeply impactful to us, some things that had, and will continue to have a real profound effect on our marriage. So we wanted to share a couple of those lessons with you. So we wanted to share a couple of those lessons with you. We've been constantly having conversation, even in the time that we were there and in the time that we've been back, about how this trip was really life-changing to us yeah, I mean and we've said it several times since being home, it, it.
Speaker 2:It sounds cliche to say it, but you know, even like two in, I remember looking at each other and saying, well, this will never be the same Like this trip is life changing for us, and I think so it was powerful.
Speaker 1:I know so, and really a large part of that is because it just really changed our perspective about a lot of things. So we wanted to share that with you and some of the some of the lessons that I think would be impactful and maybe resonate with you as well. One of the things that I think was really surprising to us is just how, uh, friendly people were and how much people wanted to be friendly and helpful to us, and I think that I don't know why I was surprised by this. I mean, we we do a lot of traveling, just in general, and even in the, even on the remotest trails that we have hiked in some of the weirdest and wildest places, we always encounter people and people are always friendly wherever we encounter them. I don't know why I was surprised, but one of the lessons that I think will be ingrained in me is that no matter where we go, people are friendly and helpful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know, traveling to, you know, any foreign country, especially a country that doesn't speak your native language, comes with it a whole, for me at least, a lot of fears, and most of which being, you know, they're not going to understand me and I'm not going to understand them. And I don't mean just language, I mean just as a whole culturally and every sense and how will, how will we view one another?
Speaker 2:And it it definitely was astounding me, to me, to recognize and see the beauty of people in China, how beautiful they were and how genuinely welcoming they were to me. I mean just the common person that I passed on the street and I shared a smile with that. That was powerful to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and as part of the retreat, I mean we we met people from Chicago and New York and North Carolina and Nashville, Carolina and Nashville and Oregon, even Texas. We met people from Singapore and the Philippines and Korea, japan, panama and, of course, from China.
Speaker 2:We've we were not expecting to go to China and meet people from that huge of different cultures and you know states but states but countries, yes, yeah, right, but, but we were, without exception.
Speaker 1:Everywhere we went. We were welcomed, everywhere we traveled, with friendly smiles and a desire, people going out of their way to try to make sure that we felt comfortable, people that we were directly involved with with the retreat, but even more so, people that were working in the hotels, people that worked in the restaurants, people that were driving us from place to place, people that we encountered in stores and other places that we went, people just on the street and at the tourist sites that we went to. We were, without exception, greeted in a friendly way and people wanting to make sure that we were comfortable wherever we went.
Speaker 2:It was amazing what you can communicate when you do not have a common language, and so our tourist days, especially, we ended up more that was the end of our trip and we had our feet underneath us and we were feeling, um, equipped, um, and so those days, we were mostly on our own and, um, especially our day that we, you know, toured all throughout Beijing I don't know if we heard English spoken by anybody- you know, but we were able to communicate so much.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, we learned three Chinese words.
Speaker 2:We did, we learned three Chinese Two and a half because, let's be honest, I'm not very good at English, let alone Chinese, oh well we learned three Chinese words, and that was sufficient for us to navigate literally all over their country.
Speaker 1:Yeah, now, we did have the help of Google Translate sometimes, and Google Translate for the win y'all. Yes, and we had some help from some of our friends there who were able to translate for us in certain circumstances. But even when we didn't have a translator, with smiles and with hand gestures, we were able to communicate a whole lot more than what you might even expect.
Speaker 2:And I think that was it. It was opening ourselves up to be vulnerable, entering into these situations where we knew we don't share the same language and yet we are, to some level, needing to communicate to these people. And yet a smile is is we all share. That you know, and that alone tells somebody I, I want to make this easy for you and you know you can make this easy for me and we can get to where we need to be together yeah, I think the short version of this is that we are all, all people all over the world.
Speaker 1:we are all made in God's image and I think for that reason there are, in fact, beautiful people everywhere, even on the literal other side of the world. It's it just was eyeopening to me how vast and how big the world is, but yet how small you can make it, uh, and how comfortable you can make it just by treating each other kindly and being kind to one another and receiving that same kindness, uh, made us feel so much at home.
Speaker 2:And I think where it stood out to me the most was in the interaction that we had with children. So y'all need to know that Matt has gone viral in China and whatever social media picture sharing way that they have, because Matt stood out with his beard and there was one tourist day that he wore shorts and his hairy legs and that is not common in China, and so it was so much fun to see the children. Most of the very young children have not experienced a whole lot of Westerners because of COVID and the lack of tourists and tourism and that's really just gotten started back in the last 12 to 18 months and so it wasn't a very common sight. I mean, we were really one of a tiny handful of-.
Speaker 2:There were lots of folks taking pictures of us while we were taking pictures, so Matt got his picture taken a lot and the children just love to look at Matt. But the minute Matt would smile at them and welcome their attention, they would light up. And the sweetest moment was when this little boy just was enraptured by you and reached out and touched your beard and it made his day.
Speaker 1:He was quite impressed, you know, as most people are with my beard, something like that. All the way to China to get beard appreciation, that's true, I might go back just for that reason, but I looked at that little boy and I thought, yeah, we're made in God's image.
Speaker 1:Kids are kids everywhere. Children are children and they all act the same, and Chinese kids get yelled at the same as American kids get yelled at when they act up. So yeah, it was just amazing Lots of beautiful people in this world. Another thing that really stands out to me about this trip is that even couples who are doing important work struggle sometimes with how to prioritize their marriage and their family and their work and in their kingdom responsibilities. Even couples who are doing big things like some of these couples who have uprooted their families to go all the way to China and do important work there.
Speaker 2:Way to China and do important work there even they have struggles with trying to balance all of the important things in their lives right and a point in point, important point that we tried to emphasize to these couples was that godly marriages must define and prioritize Kingdom purpose in their marriage. And you know just that. You can do great things and yet those aren't great things if you're not first prioritizing your marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that was. I mean, that was an important part of the material that we presented. It was kind of a foundational principle that we talked about from the outset of the um of our time together with these couples. But honestly, I felt like that was sort of just a buy, was going to be just a buy point, it was just a given. But it was surprising to me how that message resonated, even with these couples. Uh, I felt like this was that point, was really just preaching to the choir, like, yeah, these couples have that figured out, they've already figured out how to do this, because they're doing such great big things in very uncomfortable places and ways and yet, despite the tremendous sacrifices that these couples have made to be living abroad, it still is easy for them to misplace their priorities. And that was a big part of the conversations that we had, both in the sessions and especially in the social settings where we were.
Speaker 2:And our time working with individual couples right that resonated with them. Yeah, and so I think that should be sobering for those of us living much more comfortable lives.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, it's easy for all of us to lose focus. Yeah, you know, even uncomfortable situations quickly become familiar and we can begin to get comfortable in our earthly existence rather than remaining focused on eternal purposes. It's just easy to get lazy, it's easy to get comfortable, it's easy to forget what is really our purpose and what our important priorities are right. So you know, at the same time, the important work that we're doing shouldn't be superseding our fundamental relationships, our family relationships, our church relationships and especially our marriages. And obviously that's what we were there to help them to kind of recalibrate. If it's kingdom work that needs to be secondary to your basic purposes, which is to glorify God and to glorify your spouse.
Speaker 2:So learning to put your covenant, you know your relationship with God and your covenant above all else, even when the rest of your life is important. Kingdom work. That was a powerful message.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the covenant you have to your spouse is crucial and that needs to be prioritized. And what you find then is, when you prioritize your marriage, that you're able to do so much more. It is the root from which that work can grow. It's the fuel for the passion that you have in every other place in your life. So, again, sobering lessons. Not a lesson that we expected to come across. The other thing, at least one other thing that stuck out to me is that marriage conflict is the same everywhere, across all cultures and all geography right, and I think that was you know.
Speaker 1:Again, we got the opportunity to work with many couples that came from many different countries and many different cultural experiences and any different ways of growing up and lots of different family structures as well.
Speaker 2:Right and what we saw is that, no matter where you live and what culture you grew up in, if you're married you will experience conflict about kids, in-laws, money and sex.
Speaker 1:Right. Every culture, every culture, every time. I don't know if that's comforting or not, but it is maybe at least a little comforting to know that we're not broken, that I'm not broken, my marriage is not broken or weird because we are having conflict, that the health of our relationship is not about whether we have conflict, or that the health of our relationship is not about whether we have conflict or not. The health of my relationship is not determined whether or not we always agree on everything, that the health of our relationship is about how we handle the conflict. That is inevitable. And everybody's having conflict, no matter where you are, who you are, where you grew up, what language you speak. Everybody's having conflict. But the trick or the key is how am I handling that conflict?
Speaker 1:So I think for all of us, one important lesson in this is that changing our circumstances is not going to change the fact that we have relational conflict. You could move as far away as possible from where you live right now and immerse yourself into a culture that is entirely different than anything you've ever experienced before and learn a language that's entirely different to your own, and you would still have conflict in your marriage. Yeah, so it's not about your circumstances, right. So I guess what I mean by this is your marriage is not going to be better off if you get a better job, or you get more money, or you get a new house, or you have a baby, or you get rid of your children and you have an empty nest, or you get better health or more free time or whatever it is. None of that is going to make your relationship better. The only thing that makes your relationship better is leaning into conflict and working hard then, through that conflict, to better understand what your spouse needs and how you can serve your spouse better.
Speaker 2:Right, I think we learned some amazing things in China and I have to go on record and say everyone that has ever talked to me about this China trip has heard me to some level express I don't really want to go.
Speaker 2:That was what I hung on to for a long time, until it was I'm going but I don't know that I really want to be going. And I came home from China with God humbled me. It was a again a life-changing experience. It was stepping out. A friend of mine said girl, you ripped the Band-Aid off and jumped into the deep end times 100. That was very true. It pushed me into all sorts of circumstances that I would have never thought possible. Never thought possible and never thought that not only would I survive those circumstances, but I would actually enjoy them. I enjoyed China in a way that touched me to my core.
Speaker 1:And it that will stay with me.
Speaker 2:That that was so powerful. I lack the word. Yeah, I don't know that. There's a word. We haven't found the word yet. We have not found it yet, and I am incredibly grateful that the opportunity was given to us and those that worked so, so hard behind the scenes to make this trip a reality.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know who you are. We don't want to call you out by name necessarily, but you know who you are.
Speaker 2:We are so, so thankful Again. I think we left having gained way more from everything than I think, what we gave to the people that we interacted with. In very unexpected ways interacted with, but in very unexpected ways. Yeah, and I said, I said to a room full of the people we were with. We left a part of our hearts in China.
Speaker 1:For sure.
Speaker 2:I, oh, I'm going to cry. I would have never, ever dreamed China's beautiful, China's people were beautiful and I'm I'm so thankful that I got to see God's people on the other side of the earth from me.
Speaker 1:Just an incredible, incredible lesson, and I think maybe one of the biggest lessons for us is we learned that God always has something amazing in store for us when we step out in faith.
Speaker 2:Something amazing in store for us when we step out in faith. Yeah, we've said that our theme song is the song Oceans. You call me out upon the waters, and in this case, it was he called us out over the water, all the way across the water. The waters, but it was a stepping out in faith and God taught us some powerful and wonderful lessons in that.
Speaker 1:Truly truly.
Speaker 2:All right, Matt, give us a wrap up.
Speaker 1:It's really easy to lose focus on eternal priorities and purpose in our lives, and this is a conversation that I would encourage you to revisit with your spouse frequently. Secondly, changing your circumstances will not change your marriage. To improve your marriage, you have to lean into conflict and learn how to better serve your spouse. And finally, we are deeply grateful for all of the amazing and beautiful people whom we have encountered in our Intimate Covenant journey, even those on the other side of the world. Thank you to all of you for sharing yourselves with us, including those of you who listen to our podcast. We would love to hear your feedback from this episode. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimatecovenantcom, or you can submit anonymous feedback and questions from our website at intimatecovenantcom. Or you can submit anonymous feedback and questions from our website at Intimate Covenantcom. Slash podcast.
Speaker 2:Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We're truly humbled by all your encouragement and your support. Thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. If Intimate Covenant has blessed your marriage, we'd love to have you join us. Subscribe at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1:Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.