Intimate Covenant Podcast

When a Pursuer Stops Pursuing [165]

June 17, 2024 • Intimate Covenant -- Matt & Jenn Schmidt • Episode 165

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In this episode, Matt & Jenn respond to a listener's email from a wife who is feeling rejected because her husband, the usual sexual pursuer, has stopped initiating. We'll explore some of the reasons this might be happening and what she can do about it. Plus, we give some personal updates and exciting announcements about the future of Intimate Covenant.

  1. Sexual pursuers may stop for many reasons and it’s often more complicated that just hormones.
  2. A change in this dynamic in your relationship should never be ignored and requires an important conversation.
  3. The pursuer in this dynamic must be willing to respond with enthusiasm and continue to reach out to make connections wherever possible.


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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt

Speaker 1:

Hey, Jen want to talk about sexual pursuers who stop pursuing.

Speaker 2:

So you're saying there's a chance.

Speaker 1:

Great. Today we're going to discuss the complexities of when a sexual pursuer in the relationship stops pursuing. Let's do it. Welcome friends.

Speaker 2:

Welcome. We're Matt and Jen, and this is the Intimate Covenant Podcast where we believe the Bible and great married sex.

Speaker 1:

Both belong on your kitchen table.

Speaker 2:

That's right. We're talking about godly marriage with hot sex and emotionally fulfilling oneness.

Speaker 1:

We are so glad you're with us. Thanks for joining us. If you would like to know more about Intimate Covenant, you can find us at our website, IntimateCovenantcom, and certainly we would love to have your feedback about the podcast or your questions about anything. Contact us at podcast at IntimateCovenantcom.

Speaker 1:

That's right so speaking of our inbox, yeah, Recently we got a question from a wife who said that my spouse desires sex more but has stopped initiating and waits for me to do so, which makes me feel pressure, and when I do initiate he often rejects Help Question mark.

Speaker 2:

We get it. This is a profoundly common situation in marriage, where the sexual pursuer stops pursuing, sometimes to the point of like flipping the dynamics, such that the spouse, who has been used to being primarily the sexual responder, now becomes that sexual pursuer or, worse, yet nobody is pursuing and therefore sex is not happening.

Speaker 1:

Yes, exactly, and the easy answer in these situations is to assume that, well, the sexual pursuer in this relationship has just lost his libido, that is, like his natural sex drive is just naturally declining with age. And while age-related, like declining testosterone or other age-related or natural circumstances are sometimes an explanation as to why some pursuers stop pursuing, the actual cause for this situation in most relationships is far more complex and far more nuanced, and it requires much more complex solutions than just hormonal supplementation, as it were.

Speaker 2:

That's right. So that's what we're going to dive into today on the podcast. But before we get into those details and nuances, we have a few announcements we just need to share with you guys.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so our regular listeners have probably noticed, maybe have noticed, hopefully have noticed that our recent episodes have just not been dropping with the same kind of rigid regularity that you might be accustomed to.

Speaker 2:

Yes, because Matthew was all about the rigid regularity when it came to the podcast, and so we apologize if we've ruined a morning commute or two, because you were looking forward to hearing us every other Monday. It's not you, it's not your phone, it's not your app, it's not your Internet connection. Right, it's not your phone, it's not your app, it's not your internet connection.

Speaker 1:

Right, it's us. We simply have just not had the capacity to get caught up with everything that is required in writing and recording these episodes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you guys may think that this looks, you know and sounds very nice and easy, but there's a lot of work that goes into this, yeah.

Speaker 1:

In general.

Speaker 2:

We love that, but it requires time.

Speaker 1:

It does require quite an investment in time, both before and after we record. So for the foreseeable future, we're going to be cutting back these episodes to just one episode per month. If you've been with us from the very bitter beginning, you remember that we used to do these episodes once a week.

Speaker 2:

We did because when we started this, I thought well, we'll run out of things to talk about within three months, so that's fine.

Speaker 1:

but we didn't. So with some other changes in our lives, we cut back to every other week, and we've been doing it that way for about the past year or so.

Speaker 2:

Right, but we are at a point where, for right now, we do need to cut back, consuming a lot of energy and time specifically helping walk alongside our dear, dear friends while they're dealing with cancer treatments for their very young child, and that requires a lot of emotional investment and time. We're also adjusting to some other big changes in our lives, including a big change for matt in his role at his work and just some other things that are part of our private life. We do have a private life, um, that we're just not going to share with the whole world, um. One of the one of the changes, though, that we can share with the whole, that jen is very excited to share.

Speaker 2:

I'm like sharing it with anybody and everybody, including the people in the grocery store. We are thrilled to announce that, as of last week, we are grandparents.

Speaker 1:

Pretty exciting, pretty exciting.

Speaker 2:

We are now doc and Grammy and we couldn't be prouder. We are ecstatic. I have the cutest grandson ever made in the history of the world there is no question. Without a doubt. Dare you to challenge that? We have the pictures to prove it. That's right.

Speaker 1:

But that has obviously changed our priorities and some of our attention and you know, quite truthfully, we are constantly torn between our passion to try to provide a space for these essential conversations about God's plan for marriage, and we still have that same level of passion, but we also are torn between that passion and also that critical need to attend to our own personal lives and our own personal responsibilities. Right, I mean.

Speaker 2:

I have said for a long time that intimate covenant has to come from our leftovers. It is not the definition of who we are. Let's make sure that that's clear. We're not going away.

Speaker 1:

We're just simply, in a lot of ways, simply changing where and how we are investing the time that we have to commit to Intimate Covenant Right. So we're shifting a little bit away from the podcast, as it were, but we hope we intend to and we will shift that focus toward some other important things. For example, one of those things is singles. We've obviously invested a lot of time and our primary focus has been, and probably always will be, in investing in married couples.

Speaker 2:

Um, but uh, we also have recently, more recently started to answer this call from unmarried folks who have asked for some guidance in how to beating down the door, asking for a lot of ways. Yes For guidance, we hear you.

Speaker 1:

We hear you. So, um, we are. We want to help with some of that guidance in dealing with their sexuality, especially while unmarried, and some guidance in finding a suitable mate. And that is also very exciting to us because we know, and we have come to know for sure, that marriages don't happen well if people are unprepared, and so if we can invest in those who are unmarried, we hope that we can help make this, make our jobs easier, maybe in the future, maybe that's part of a selfish motivation, so along those lines.

Speaker 2:

We are having a single event Kingdom Singles here in the Houston area, in our own backyard, taking care of our local singles. That event will happen on Saturday local singles that event will happen on Saturday, july 20th, at a super cool venue. It's called Hebrews Coffeehouse. It's in the Woodlands, texas. So that's from 3 to 7 pm and it is a free event for our area singles. Thanks to some great folks who have already come alongside and offered up some donations and if you would like to join us in helping to support this event, your donations are welcome.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, there's still room for some donations. Otherwise, we're going to cover the costs, whatever that ends up being.

Speaker 2:

But we feel passionate about this and think that this is a good event to offer for free to singles, and so it will get covered one way or the other, but we would love for you to come alongside us.

Speaker 1:

We would love to have your help with that. You can let your single friends know your unmarried friends that the event is free. It includes specialty coffee, oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

You can't go to a coffee house and not get an amazing coffee made by a Hebrew staff.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, we'll have some other refreshments as well. We're going to cover some topics like how to find spiritual purpose while you are unmarried, also how to handle sexual desire while you're unmarried, and also then how to be purposeful in your dating, so that your dating and how you go about that process matches what your true intentions are and your spiritual purpose. So we'll include some time for an anonymous Q&A. There's also going to be plenty of time for socialization. It's for socializing Socialization, not socialization. Hopefully that's been taken care of already. Socializing and some fun. And some fun, yes.

Speaker 2:

So registration is now open. Go to IntimateCovenantcom backslash H-O-U singles and again, that event is free and we would love for you are probably our married friends that are most listening to this podcast but tell your single friends right and let them know that this is happening and that we would love to see that and if you would like again to be, if you're willing and able to help donate to sponsor this event, contact us at podcast, at intimate covenantcom.

Speaker 1:

Yep, this material that we're going to be covering in uh this event is going to soon be available as an e-course for young adults.

Speaker 2:

so if you don't live in the houston area and you still want to be exposed to the material, we're going to make that available to uh everyone, hopefully here shortly and eventually we would even like to present this material in an e-course format that teens and parents can watch together, watch separately, be able to use it as a resource for young singles.

Speaker 1:

So this is something you've been working on.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, this has been something on the back burner for a long time, but again, we have limited amount of time and the podcast tends to eat up a lot of that time, so we're just shifting a little bit. We're not going anywhere.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but we're shifting and, speaking of e-courses, we we have a new e-course that has just launched today, literally like yes, as of in the last week just launched. And this e-course it's something that we also have been working on for a while, but it's also launching in coinciding with the launch of the annual Dating Divas Marriage Bundle.

Speaker 2:

Yes, this is our third year being asked to be participants with the Marriage Bundle put on by the Dating Diva, and we have created a brand new e-course for this bundle and that goes live today as of the dropping of this podcast, and it is an incredible deal, only available for a limited time. If you've been around the block with us, you've heard us talk about Dating Diva's marriage bundles. They are phenomenal. So this year there are going to be 19 contributors Altogether. All of the resources that are being offered in the Marriage Bundle is a greater than $400 value that Dating Divas is making available for only $50.

Speaker 1:

That's a pretty big discount, but wait, there's more. Good job.

Speaker 2:

If you use our unique link, you will get a $15 off this regular price of $50. And if you need to help doing the math, that brings it all the way down to $35.

Speaker 1:

$35 for a $400 value bundle. That is less than $2 per resource that is in this bundle. So it is a great deal and if you use our unique link, which will be available in the show notes, we'll have it on our social media. We'll have it in emails that are going out. So look for that, Use our unique link and we'll make a little bit on that sale. You are supporting Intimate Covenant when you buy through our link and we appreciate that for you.

Speaker 1:

You'll get $15 off of the price and you'll also get a freebie when you access our course. We're going to throw in a little bit of extra for you. We're going to leave that as a surprise. You can find out what that is.

Speaker 2:

That's a freebie, all right. So our e-course we have titled this year's e-course Make Better Connections Understand what your Spouse Needs and why you Sometimes Miss.

Speaker 1:

So we've taken this chance in this e-course to kind of elaborate a little bit more on the pursuer-responder dynamic. Not coincidentally, we're talking about that pursuer-responder dynamic in our episode today, and so we're going to elaborate on that dynamic and really kind of get into why do each other's tendencies and each other's needs work often cause us to devolve into conflict.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

And so we're going to provide some suggestions in how you can take those moments of conflict and turn them into opportunities and moments for connection and growth.

Speaker 2:

That's right, and this e-course comes with a worksheet with questions to help you and your spouse better communicate about these topics and then carry on with meaningful conversations. It's not just listening to us. We are hoping to provide ways through the worksheet and the conversation, suggestions of ways that you guys can apply this within your marriage. So we think it's a phenomenal resource and so we would love for you to get to be a part of it, and so we would love for you to get to be a part of it. More information about this course and others can be found at IntimateCovenantcom slash courses. But if you want just our e-course, without the entire marriage bundle, you can certainly go there and purchase it on our website. But don't miss out on the Dating Divas Marriage Bundle, because it's a great deal.

Speaker 1:

It's a pretty good deal, but there's a lot of great stuff. If you just want our stuff, we won't be sad about that either, and we have a few more of these courses in the works, so stay tuned. Some of them are half written, some of them are partly written, partly prepared and so we're getting those done and getting those recordings done and everything.

Speaker 2:

Sorry for the long introduction and the long announcements, but we felt like we really just needed to take a few minutes of your time to update you, to share these announcements with you. Again, with all of these other things going on and other opportunities for our time and energy, we're going to back off of the podcast to just the monthly episodes and we're thankful for your understanding. Just the monthly episodes and we we're thankful for your understanding. We thankful for you continuing to listen, even if you're only going to get a monthly dose of Matt and Jen. But just know that we are going to be using that time number one in our personal life but also to create other resources that we've really been wanting to work on for quite a long time. So we appreciate you all sticking around and being supporters of Intimate Covenant. We really appreciate all of your encouragement, your support and your feedback.

Speaker 1:

Yes, love you and appreciate you. So now, like 17 minutes into this, that's all right, we got it.

Speaker 1:

We opened this episode with an email from a wife whose husband had been the sexual pursuer in the relationship, but lately he has stopped initiating sex, and so now she is feeling rejected by her attempts to try to restore their sexual relationship. So what might be happening here? And I think that's a that's an interesting situation? I I really don't think this is a unique situation. This is something that probably happens in most relationships from time to time.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Specifically this shift where a pursuer starts pursuing less Right.

Speaker 2:

Right. So what are the reasons that a sexual pursuer might stop pursuing or start pursuing less? Well, stress is a huge reason. Sure, just having a lot on your plate can block your ability to really desire.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we mentioned that. You know that libido, or like testosterone, is always given the blame in these situations, but that's not always necessarily the case. Certainly, stress is a huge libido killer. It's a huge impactor in just how much natural desire you might feel. Health problems also huge reason why someone may stop pursuing or slow down in that pursuit.

Speaker 2:

Right. Low testosterone, chronic pain, chronic illness or other diseases of aging all of that can contribute.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. How about shame? I mean shame, especially shame surrounding your sexuality, is a tremendously common reason why someone may stop pursuing and that is going to manifest for different reasons at different times in your relationship and in your just lifetime, and so that's certainly something. But what we mean by that is these are the internal moral conflicts that someone may have about their sexual desire and about sex itself. So if I'm feeling that overwhelming shame about my sexuality, then obviously that's going to impact how much I want to pursue and how I would pursue.

Speaker 2:

Right. But along with that shame you can also have shame based in how your body is or is not responding to sexual stimuli and so any kind of sexual dysfunction, whether that's ED or PE, like both, that can cause a big reason to you know kind of just decide that it's not, I can't pursue, it's not worth that effort, I don't want to. I don't want to feel the sense of rejection. I don't want to risk this. I don't want to feel the sense of rejection. I don't want to risk this.

Speaker 1:

I don't want to risk failing in this way. I think that's another big reason. So, yeah, that shame may come from a moral conflict, but it also may come from just an inner conflict about my ability to perform.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and conflict as a whole is a reason that a sexual pursuer may stop pursuing? I mean, is a reason that a sexual pursuer may stop pursuing? I mean any kind of discord in your relationship, even if it's non-sexual. Conflict just makes it more difficult to bridge that gap and make those connections.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so the conflict may be coming from within, and it also may be coming from my relationship with someone else, with my spouse, and so it just makes it more difficult to make those connections, to want to reach out if there is. This other tension, even if it's not a sexual disagreement or conflict, makes it tougher to bridge that gap. Another common reason that a sexual pursuer may stop pursuing is because of betrayal. That is, a pursuer who maybe is guilty of betrayal, and again, whether that is a full on emotional or sexual affair or whether that is betrayal in the form of pornography or other other forms of infidelity, that those are reasons why a pursuer may stop pursuing his spouse, perhaps because his energy is being wasted and spent somewhere else.

Speaker 2:

And I think rejection is another huge reason that pursuers stop pursuing A pursuer's. You know, their number one fear is rejection, right, and so if they have been met with constant rejection, frankly they may just get to a point where it's not worth it, and so there may be bitterness, there may be dejection from past rejections that are blocking them from even risking a possible rejection relationship that sometimes one rejection is all that it takes to really shut that down, because that just may be different than the norm.

Speaker 1:

If a pursuer is used to constant connection in that way and has never been rejected, sometimes that first rejection can be fairly impactful. So something to be aware of there. And then I would say another reason why a pursuer may stop pursuing is they're just getting poor quality sex, and I don't mean like he's not. The pursuer is not getting the swinging from the chandeliers kind of sex, although maybe that's why If, if, if someone's not getting what they're asking for, they may just Whether what they're asking for is healthy or unhealthy.

Speaker 2:

Right yeah.

Speaker 1:

But especially if the sexual connection is poor there's not anything beyond just then the spouse presenting their body Then you know, is it worth pursuing? At that point, you know why ask for something when you know you're going to get something that is poor quality, that that may be a reason why.

Speaker 2:

So there's probably plenty other reasons, but that's just. You know that we went through all of that to just kind of help put into all of our minds like, oh wow, there's a lot of reasons, yes Right, why a pursuer might stop pursuing, and not all of them are just because he doesn't want to have sex anymore. You know where she she no longer is thinking about sex. I mean, it's a very complex and they're not all physiologic.

Speaker 1:

I guess that's the other point.

Speaker 2:

So the question then is obviously what do we do about that? What do you do? I mean, that's the point of this email my pursuers no longer wanting to pursue. So what do I do about it? Well, like the emailer, I mean, obviously she's paying attention to this, and that would be. The first step is that we would say that when your pursuer stops pursuing, you need to notice it. To notice it, yes. When that pursuer backs off, you must be willing to examine. Is there something unhealthy in our relationship? Don't just be like, oh okay, no longer pursuing, We'll just let that one ride. Yeah, Be willing to dig into what's going on here. What dynamic is that?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and maybe one of the reasons that there may be lots of reasons. Maybe there's too much pressure by the pursuer and so they're pursuing in a poor way. Maybe there's too much rejection by the responder, maybe there's too much withdrawal or right. All of that's possible, right, be willing to explore all of the possibilities. I think that's what we're saying is there, and sometimes it's not just one reason. We just gave a big, long list, but I don't think it's hard to imagine that in most of our lives it's complicated and there may be a number of different factors.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes you might be living with a lot of stress, but it doesn't really affect your sex life until you add a health problem on top of it or something else on top of it. So there's a lot of reasons why that can be better or worse at different times. So look at all of these possibilities and I think, like we've really talked about in a lot of other ways in a lot of other contexts, you have to be willing to approach this problem from an us mentality, like what are we? What can we do about it, rather than casting the blame on you. Right, right, do approach this without making accusations, without blaming. It's certainly okay to point it out and to complain like, hey, we're not having as much sex as we used to, or we're not having a healthy amount of sex.

Speaker 2:

That's providing connection and by complaining we don't mean like being disrespectful to your spouse, but rather bringing that up, bringing it to the table that you know something is not right and I don't want to just settle in the something's not working right and so most of the time the problem is two sided and all of the time the problem requires both of you to be invested in that solution. For example, your spouse's health problems are not your fault.

Speaker 1:

Maybe not even their fault either.

Speaker 2:

Right, but you as a spouse play a huge role in helping your spouse overcome their challenges through that support and encouragement, accountability, motivation, changing patterns in old relationship behaviors. I mean, we just went to a wedding yesterday, right. What is the most common thing in a vow, in sickness and in health, right? So when we're dealing with one of our health, it is a we problem and it requires both of us to be a part of that.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely yeah, every problem is a we problem. So, whatever the cause is, you've got to be willing to acknowledge it and you've got to be willing to confront it. And that means confronting it in yourself, certainly taking responsibility for what is mine, and I've got to be willing to confront it in my spouse, that is, be willing to bring it to their attention, not just ignore it, not just hope that time is going to take care of it. Got to be willing to have a conversation about those things that are not right in our relationship.

Speaker 2:

Right right.

Speaker 1:

Time does not heal things. It just causes you both to become habitual in your behaviors and reactionary in those poor responses that you've fallen into.

Speaker 2:

Right. Restoring a healthy pursuit and response dynamic from a toxic cycle becomes much more difficult the longer you ignore it. So must be willing to have those conversations. Don't, don't, don't just let this go by the wayside.

Speaker 1:

No, because then you fall into the pressure and the withdrawal and the angry protests and the coldness and the bitterness and the resentment and the anger and the jealousy and all those things that not only cause conflict now but then set you into these cycles and habits of these kinds of behaviors and responses.

Speaker 2:

Right, and so you know, I think clearly the the wife who sent us the email, she's it seems to me she's writing this from a standpoint that she is the responder, that's the role she's comfortable with, and so she's asking what do I do? What do I do now? Well, my advice to her is also that, whenever possible, learn to be a better responder, and that means my job as a responder is to protect the vulnerability of my pursuer, and I do that by minimizing rejection. In other words, again, their biggest fear, a pursuer's biggest fear, is rejection. They are afraid that their desire is too much, and so when I am met with a bid for connection, I have to respond to that. I have to protect my pursuer whenever they are responding, by minimizing any rejection in the way that I go about rejecting.

Speaker 1:

And that's a lot about kind of what we talked about in the most recent episode with the orange peel test.

Speaker 2:

The title of it seems kind of silly. There we're talking about YouTube relationship tests, but I think there was some deep stuff in that episode. Yeah, to go listen to that one if you haven't listened to it. But the whole point of that is respond to bids for connection. Never ignore. Never ignore when either one of you are looking for a connection. Looking for a connection. Learn instead to be a better listener. Learn to be looking for the subtle cues and clues that they are pursuing. So maybe their pursuit looks different, maybe it has changed and you haven't actually picked up on the different way in which they're pursuing. Maybe, yes, they have stopped pursuing in a strong, healthy way.

Speaker 1:

But look for itty bitty little signals of pursuit and respond to that, yeah, you have to at least respond, even if you can't be a full. Yes, let's go right here, right now.

Speaker 2:

When we're saying respond, I'm not meaning like, all right, here we go right now, wherever we are. That's not what I mean by respond. We mean acknowledge that bid for connection, don't just ignore it, don't just shoot it down, but offer some degree of positive response. Thank you for desiring this level of connection with me. Yes, Now what your famous line is always now in the middle of Walmart.

Speaker 1:

It's not a good time for that, but and it may not be, but I the point is as a responder, I say I see you, I hear you, I am grateful for your desire to connect with me. We, I can't commit to that right now, right here where we are, but here's maybe an alternative, or here is a time when we can both come together and offer that range. It's a rain check, yes, right.

Speaker 2:

And when you offer a rain check, show up. Show up because, again, your, your role as a responder is protective vulnerability, and so if you've offered the rain check, you're just going to be that much more of a place of rejection if you don't show up.

Speaker 1:

If you want them, if you want your spouse to pursue you, then they need to know that you are going to respond.

Speaker 2:

So I think, alongside that, as a responder, be sure that you are pursuing where you are best at pursuing, so your job isn't necessarily to then just become the sexual pursuer. If you are in a marriage where your spouse is clearly the sexual pursuer and they all of a sudden have checked out, the answer isn't okay. You just become the sexual risk pursuer. And I think our emailer is getting at that right. She's like well, now I'm trying and he's rejecting, like because it's the dynamic is off right. So your job isn't just okay, we'll pick up the slack and you do their job, but realize that there are two sides to this right.

Speaker 1:

If she starts pursuing, that may be the uh, the, just the little boost that the relationship needs to give him some confidence to start pursuing again without fear of rejection. In other words, if she starts, if she just gives a little nudge, if she leans a little bit that direction, that may be all that he needs to realize oh, this is all good again and I can pursue again in a more confident way.

Speaker 2:

And I don't have to worry about being rejected because I can. He no longer needs to put forth any effort in the relationship and the situation will become more entrenched.

Speaker 1:

Right. Sometimes pursuers just simply get lazy and they become only motivated to put in the effort to pursue kind of as a last resort. They're like, well, if I can still get what I want here without putting forth any effort and without being vulnerable, then sometimes I'm willing to be lazy enough to just let that happen, especially if my spouse is not going to let it slide, especially if I know my spouse is going to pick up the slack.

Speaker 1:

And not call me out on me holding up my end of the side of this equation Right, then I, as a pursuer, I'm just going to let it happen, because then I get the best of both worlds. I get what I want, and I also don't have to risk any vulnerability in doing so.

Speaker 2:

Right, which clearly is a toxic situation that you're dealing with.

Speaker 1:

That doesn't work well In a situation like this.

Speaker 2:

In general, it's not a bad idea for the sexual responder to reach out with sexual bids for connection to help spark some energy, some confidence, some connection into the relationship. But a caution, because this has to be done with actual desire. This isn't just done with actual desire, this isn't just okay. Fine, we're not having as much sex as we used to. Here's my body. Don't just, don't just present yourself as a slab of meat and that you're just an item on a to do list. Don't just go through the motions. That is not connection.

Speaker 2:

It's not, it's only going to make it worse, and it could be. I mean, obviously we don't know the full dynamics of the email, right, but one possible situation is that it kind of worked at the beginning, but but this pursuer who's no longer pursuing, is tired of mercy sex. They don't want just a. Ok, I'm just showing up to be the quote unquote good wife, so you know you can't. That's not going to solve it if you're just showing up, it has to be actual desire. You need to also desire that connection. Are you going to express that within your body the same way that a by nature sexual pursuer? Probably not. But that doesn't mean you can't have the desire for sex within your heart and your soul and the desire for be there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, be there and be connected. I think that's the.

Speaker 2:

And so if you find that after a few attempts your pursuer is still not pursuing, then you got to take a more direct approach, and that means have the conversation. That's where it always comes back with us.

Speaker 1:

Right, that's right. You got to call it out and you got to address it and confront it head on. Again, we're not suggesting that you, as a natural responder, have to become a pursuer. We're not even suggesting that you have to initiate sex. Sometimes, all that is needed is that you just initiate sexuality, that you initiate physical touch, that you initiate sexual conversation. That kind of initiation in many cases would be all that is enough to let your and again, the point is, you need to let your pursuer know that it is safe to pursue me.

Speaker 2:

And that you miss the connection that comes from the sexual union in your marriage. In other words, sex is never something that we can just take out. It's not a piece of the pie, it's the eggs holding the cake together. Right, we've said that over and over, but you need to maybe let your pursuer know I missed this and I'm not willing to just settle for good enough. And so this requires you to keep reaching out, keep pursuing in ways that you are best at pursuing at. Maybe you're the emotional pursuer. Make sure that you are emotionally pursuing your spouse.

Speaker 2:

Even if you are being rejected. You know again, sex doesn't just happen in a little bubble right. It is a big part of your whole relationship. So if your sex life isn't working, odds are pretty high that other areas of your life are not working. You yourself might be feeling a place of rejection and therefore pulling back.

Speaker 1:

So make the connections wherever you can find them, wherever that is in your relationship. Again, if you're not the sexual pursuer, then pursue in the ways that you pursue best and keep making those connections.

Speaker 2:

All right, Matt, give us our wrap up.

Speaker 1:

Sexual pursuers may stop pursuing for many reasons and it's often more complicated than just hormones. A change in this dynamic in your relationship should never be ignored and requires an important conversation. The pursuer in this dynamic must be willing to respond with enthusiasm and continue to reach out to make connections wherever possible.

Speaker 2:

Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about making sure that you each feel wanted. What are you going to do to be a better responder and pursuer in your relationship?

Speaker 1:

We would love to hear your feedback. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimate covenantcom or to submit anonymous feedback and questions, Go to our website intimate covenantcom slash podcast. Thanks to all of you for listening. For those of you who subscribe, thank you for rating and for sharing the podcast. We are truly humbled always by your encouragement and your support.

Speaker 2:

Thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. We love you. If you would like to join Intimate Covenant by supporting the podcast and our greater mission to share God's plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality, subscribe at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.

Speaker 1:

Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.