![Who Initiates? [167] Artwork](https://www.buzzsprout.com/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsibWVzc2FnZSI6IkJBaHBCSE9YMWdJPSIsImV4cCI6bnVsbCwicHVyIjoiYmxvYl9pZCJ9fQ==--16a7a1aa52b68621d66462aebffd3502de544348/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsibWVzc2FnZSI6IkJBaDdDVG9MWm05eWJXRjBPZ2hxY0djNkUzSmxjMmw2WlY5MGIxOW1hV3hzV3docEFsZ0NhUUpZQW5zR09nbGpjbTl3T2d0alpXNTBjbVU2Q25OaGRtVnlld1k2REhGMVlXeHBkSGxwUVRvUVkyOXNiM1Z5YzNCaFkyVkpJZ2x6Y21kaUJqb0dSVlE9IiwiZXhwIjpudWxsLCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--1924d851274c06c8fa0acdfeffb43489fc4a7fcc/Podcast%20Cover%20Art%202022.jpg)
Intimate Covenant Podcast
Intimate Covenant Podcast
Who Initiates? [167]
In this episode, Matt & Jenn discuss the complaint, "My spouse never initiates sex." So, whose job is it, anyway? How can I get my spouse to initiate more often?
- Whether it’s sexual connection or any other aspect of your relationship, if you sense a lack of it in your relationship, it’s up to you to initiate what is missing.
- If you feel like you are the only one initiating, keep striving. But, recognize — with gratitude — that your spouse may be contributing a whole lot more to your sexual and emotional relationship than what you immediately recognize.
- Responders, you can learn to initiate in ways that are comfortable for you and this effort will speak volumes of love to your pursuer.
Also, check out our eCourses, available on our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/courses
What Does Sex Mean To My Spouse?
If you’ve been married for more than 5 minutes, you recognize that you and your spouse see sex differently. Our intention with this eCourse is to challenge you to think about your sexual relationship in ways that you might not have ever considered before. We want to facilitate deep introspection and fruitful conversations between you and your spouse to help you build intimacy and oneness.
Make Better Connections
We all suffer occasions when our attempts to connect are ignored or rejected. This course will help you make better connections in your marriage — emotionally and sexually. Learn to pursue and respond to your spouse with passionate, irresistible vulnerability
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
- Married Dance — https://marrieddance.com/?aff=29
Shop from this link and part of your purchase will support Intimate Covenant. - Coconu — http://www.coconu.com
Your purchase helps support Intimate Covenant AND you get 15% OFF. Coupon Code: intimateconvenant
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Hey, Jen want to talk about initiating sex.
Speaker 2:Let me stop this before you get started. Great.
Speaker 1:In this episode we're talking about what it feels like when one spouse is doing all the initiation. Let's do it. Welcome friends.
Speaker 2:Welcome. Thanks for joining us on the Intimate Covenant podcast.
Speaker 1:Hey, we're Matt and Jen and we are talking about intimate relationships.
Speaker 2:We're talking about we're talking about all the things.
Speaker 1:Covenant marriage. We're talking about great sex and, specifically today we're talking about a question that we get all the time yes, whether it's writing into the podcast, whether it is at live events or even personal emails that we get that's right, and it often comes in the form of a complaint.
Speaker 2:Yes, very much so Some sort of variation of how can I get often my wife to initiate sex more? Yeah, or we hear something like I really wish my spouse would initiate sex more often. If I didn't initiate sex, it would never happen.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, exactly. Or sometimes a variation on that theme is something like well, my spouse used to initiate sex, Now they never even seem to think about it. Or maybe just a more broad and curious kind of question, genuinely curious kind of question, like whose job is it to be initiating sex? Is it the husband's job? Is it always the sexual pursuer's job? Whose job is it? And you know, to be fair, young couples often struggle with settling into sexual routines and this comfortable cadence of sexual frequency. And so, granted, young couples, new couples, are going to struggle with just knowing how is this supposed to work. What is a comfortable cadence of frequency?
Speaker 2:Right, and that's a normal question. What is a comfortable cadence of frequency? Right, and that's a normal question? I mean you know they're struggling against, like this idea of unrealistic expectations, of being surprised or disappointed by their spouse's difference in spontaneity and their desire or libido. I mean, that's often just a place we're at as a young married couple. But it's not just the young couples that are struggling with this, because us old couples otherwise, known as experienced couples, let's say mature.
Speaker 2:We're struggling with this too right, and often this comes about when life forces changes in our routine. So we may have settled into a role and suddenly find ourselves not quite living that role.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It's something that might change the frequency of initiation in some of those relationships can sometimes be seen as a rejection. So you had a routine. It got changed by life, by whatever circumstances, and now the your spouse is wondering why they're being rejected. Or sometimes they wonder what, why does my spouse not pursue me like they used to pursue me? And so this, this kind of spirals then into uncertainty. It spirals into tension, resentment, especially if these roles and responsibilities are not being talked about, if we just slide into a new normal quote, unquote and there are unresolved questions about the status of the relationship. That leads to a lot of uncertainty.
Speaker 2:So, whether you're a young couple trying to figure this out or you're an old couple having to re-figure it out, when one spouse, seemingly, is doing all the initiation, it can eventually become a burden and a place of bitterness Absolutely so. That's kind of what we're going to tackle on the podcast on today's episode. But before we get to that, some announcements.
Speaker 1:We do have some exciting announcements, the first being that preparation for the retreat continues.
Speaker 2:It definitely continues, as in taking up all of Matt and Jen's free time. That's all right, we love it. This year we have our biggest crowd ever, completely sold out, plus a couple. We squeezed in even more bodies and we are so excited for the retreat. That's September 19th through the 21st and it's coming, so all of you that have signed up to join us just know that we are working overtime to make it an amazing retreat.
Speaker 1:And if you didn't get in this time, stay tuned, stay tuned, we'll have some announcements we're going. Didn't get in this time, stay tuned, stay tuned, we'll have some announcements.
Speaker 2:We're going to be doing it again.
Speaker 1:In the next couple of months we'll have some announcements about times and dates and locations and all that. We also, speaking of our website, have a couple of e-courses for sale. We've developed these and we really have not done a good job of promoting them.
Speaker 2:We're not very good at promoting ourselves most days, so, yeah, it's time for us to promote our e-courses, because I think we worked hard on these and did a pretty good job with them.
Speaker 1:I know we worked hard on them. We have two specifically. The first one is called what does sex mean to my spouse? I mean, if you've been married for more than five minutes, you recognize that you and your spouse see sex differently. Right, you are looking for very different things about sex and you view it differently. So our intention with this e-course is to challenge you and your spouse to think about your sexual relationship in ways that maybe you have not considered before, and even to think about your spouse's sexuality in a way that you have not considered before. Hopefully, what we've developed is a way to challenge some of your thinking and, more importantly, to initiate a conversation.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and that's, I think, my favorite thing about our e-course is it's all built around. Both of them are built around initiating and challenging you to some good conversations, and so with both of our e-courses we have video portions and then we also have kind of a worksheet that you use as you work your way through the e-course, so hopefully it will start the conversations and bring something good to your marriage. So our other e-course, our newest one, is called Make Better Connections.
Speaker 1:It's about those times. I mean we all suffer occasions in our relationships when our attempts to connect with each other are ignored or they are rejected. This course is going to help you make better connections in your marriage, both emotionally and sexually. It is a way to help you learn to pursue and to respond to your spouse with some passionate and irresistible vulnerability.
Speaker 2:Irresistible vulnerability. If only I could say that well.
Speaker 1:Good thing we don't have to talk much for this.
Speaker 2:So y'all should check out our e-courses. You can find them by going to intimatecovenantcom slash courses and you will see them for sale there.
Speaker 1:Yep, if you have trouble finding them, email us or send us a message and we'll be glad to get you in touch with that. But I'll link those two courses in our show notes so that you have a direct way to find them.
Speaker 2:And before we get into the rest of the podcast, just one other thing is that we did want to let you all know that we have started booking dates for marriage days in 2025. So we're starting to open up our calendar and if you are interested in bringing Intimate Covenant into your community sometime in the year 2025, now is the time to reach out. We will have some limited days in 2025. We have some big things happening in our personal lives in 2025, but we will have time for some good marriage days. It is one of the favorite things we do with.
Speaker 1:Intimate.
Speaker 2:Covenant, getting to travel and meet you guys face-to-face and spend time on a weekend with you guys. So we would love to come to your area, but we would like for you to book those dates soon.
Speaker 1:Let's make that happen. Give us a call or send us an email. We'll be glad to let that happen.
Speaker 2:All right, Matt. So today's episode is all about who initiates. Like we said, it's a big question that a lot of us struggle with figuring out within our marriages.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I mean, let's just give you the answer from the outset. Oh, we'll just answer it and we'll be done, and then you can decide if you want to listen to the details or not. But ultimately, I would say, in a healthy relationship, both of you should be initiating connection in all realms of intimacy.
Speaker 2:Oh, so the answer is everybody listening.
Speaker 1:The answer is E, all of the above. Now, that said, of course, this episode, just like all of our other podcast episodes, is really kind of primarily focused on the sexual aspect of the marriage relationship. But I do think it's important from time to time, maybe all the time, to step back and to recognize that sex, of course, is not the only way that we connect Right, and so we never want it to be lost in the podcast that, while we're focusing on sex, because of the uniqueness of this venue, that sex, of course, is not the whole relationship Exactly, but sometimes it is an insight into the relationship and sometimes, by looking at the sexual relationship, we learn a whole lot more about ourselves and we learn about the rest of the relationship. But again, in healthy relationships, both spouses should be pursuing each other and both spouses should be responding to respective bids for connection.
Speaker 2:Right. I mean for meaningful and sustained growth to happen in your marriage, there must be connection in all realms of your relationship, and that's emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. So you're both responsible for making connections, for seeking growth in every aspect of your marriage.
Speaker 1:Now, that said, yes, while you're both responsible, the pursuer, in whatever realm of intimacy that there is, whether you are a sexual pursuer or whether you are an emotional pursuer or otherwise, the pursuer is tasked with being the primary initiator. So, pursuers, in whatever realm, you Okay, if you are the pursuer, if this means more to you, then you are responsible then for initiating it, and that's ultimately what a pursuer is right.
Speaker 2:Right. I mean someone has to initiate right, and the one who values that particular mode of connection well, they have to be the one willing to risk rejection and make that bid for connection. I mean there's no getting around this right.
Speaker 1:Unless someone makes it happen, it's not going to happen. So, sexual pursuers, if you desire sex, you must pursue it, you must initiate it. It is unfair of you as a pursuer to resent your spouse for not providing something that you are not pursuing.
Speaker 2:Right, and we'll have some more advice for sexual pursuers here in just a minute. But I think it's good, matt, to kind of step back and say I mean, the bottom line is, in whatever realm you're talking about, within your marriage, if you sense a lack of relationship, if you sense a lack of connection, then it's up to you to initiate what is missing. So if you're noticing it, then you better be initiating it and guess what that may mean? That you became the pursuer for right now in that realm of connection. And so maybe you're not by nature a sexual pursuer, but you notice, hey, we're not having sex like we should Well guess what your job is now. Your job is to pursue that connection. Now you don't have to pursue it in the same way that your spouse, who's maybe more naturally a sexual pursuer. You don't have to pursue it in the same way they do, but you do have a responsibility to address potential problems in your relationship when you see them. So in that way again, we all are tasked with initiation from time to time.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And in addition to that, I would say and just remind you not that you necessarily need reminding, but I think it's important to point out that every relationship is different and every set of spouses have different relative degrees of spontaneous sexual desire and different relative degrees of spontaneous emotional desire, meaning some of you just naturally desire sex spontaneously more than others and there are that that may be a wide gap in your marriage. That may be a narrow gap in your marriage.
Speaker 2:Right. I mean, in some relationships, the pursuer then is the one who's initiating 90 percent of the time, but in other relationships that pursuer is initiating like 51 percent of the time, right, right. So so thatuer is initiating like 51% of the time, right, right. So that's what you're meaning. There can be a wide gap or a narrow gap, but you know your relationship. In some relationships, that relative level of desire, just it's going to look different, but you've got to be paying attention to it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely just. It's going to look different, but you've got to be paying attention to it. Absolutely so, sexual responders even if your spouse is regularly and frequently pursuing you guess what? This doesn't mean that you are off the hook.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Up till now our responders might've been like ha ha, it's your job. But no, not really, Because if one of you is initiating any form of connection 100% of the time we're going to challenge you to say that something is not right. Now, specifically within the sexual realm, if someone is initiating sex 100% of the time, we would challenge that sexual responder in this kind of relationship to consider what is your absolute lack of pursuit communicating to your sexual pursuer, and that's intentionally or unintentionally. If you, as a responder, are never showing any initiation.
Speaker 1:That is saying something whether you mean it to or not, yeah, and it may not be saying what you intend to. It may just be saying you may be intending to simply say that, well, I'm happy with the frequency and quality of our sex, and so I'm going to let my pursuer keep being the one who's driving that ship, which is fine. But if you are never making effort to initiate, you may be telling your pursuer that, well, I'm just not interested.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think we see this more easily when it comes to emotional connection. So consider what it would mean in a marriage if one spouse never initiated conversation, like they never ask about how their spouse's day went, they never spoke to their spouse without having to be interrupted from their own business. Like we would say, well, that's really unhealthy in that marriage, right? What would we think about a spouse who only reluctantly, or maybe begrudgingly, engaged in conversation, with just one syllable responses?
Speaker 1:Yeah, or what if that one spouse never even looked up from their phone unless they were asked a direct question?
Speaker 2:So we can see it when it comes to emotional engagement and conversation, but maybe you have a little bit harder time seeing it when it comes to physical connections and engagement.
Speaker 1:I think we've bought into the stereotype that well, you know sexual pursuers and you know, of course, usually that is the husband in these relationships that that's just their realm, so they're responsible for making it all happen, and so that's just something that only husbands should think about, and wives are supposed to just sit back and let it happen to them, and that's just not how it ought to be.
Speaker 2:No. And so, as a sexual responder, male or female, whether it's your intention or not, if you rarely or never initiate sex, you may be communicating that you're uninterested and even unattracted to your spouse, and you need to carefully consider is that really what you want to be telling your spouse?
Speaker 1:Right, right, For sure, For sure. So pursuers, certainly. Again we started out with this question like well, what if I am the only one who is initiating? What do I do with these feelings? When I feel like my spouse is disengaged, when I feel like my spouse is not interested, when I feel like my spouse never puts forth the effort to initiate sex, what do I do with those feelings?
Speaker 2:Right, right. So, as a pursuer, what if I'm the only one? Well, I think the first thing we would say to you is keep up the good work.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I know that's hard to hear, but you are doing your job, you are fulfilling your role. You're taking initiative in a very important part of your relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah. What is it that Paul says in Galatians? Do not grow weary in doing good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so, regardless of whether or not your spouse is or isn't fully living up to the potential within their role, you should keep up the good work.
Speaker 1:Someone has to be willing to keep their foot on the pedal, someone has to be willing to keep initiating and someone has to be willing to keep putting in the energy into this crucial part of your relationship. And if that is just you sometimes, that's just the way that it is in relationships, that sometimes one of you is going to be more capable or more willing to do what needs to be done.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of times. We get this question from spouses who they're strongly the sexual pursuer and they think that might mean something is broken in their relationship or with their spouse. But if your spouse is generally responsive to your pursuit and they engage with energy, don't take that for granted. Don't think of that as well. Therefore, something is broken. Well, no, you actually have a healthy relationship and something that many would be envious of, and so see it for what it is See the beauty in that you have a spouse willing to respond.
Speaker 1:So often, the answer to what we perceive, our problems in our relationship, really just come down to a matter of finding contentment. And so I think, like you saiden, if you, if there is pursuit and response in your sexual relationship, then it's generally probably doing better than most other sexual relationships certainly it's better than it could be. So finding the place to be grateful that it, at the very least, there is this dynamic of pursuit and response. You know, perhaps things aren't as great as you would like them to be, but that's what you look for. The challenge for sexual pursuers most of the time is to stop fixating on what we don't have.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So again, it's about finding contentment right. So you know, sure, there's areas in your sexual relationship that you would like to grow. Maybe you would like for your responder to be a little bit more bold and to show some initiative. But if you can't learn to be content with what you have now, you will never be content, even if you ever get what you want.
Speaker 2:That is a big statement.
Speaker 1:Well, and that's true, no matter who you are, no matter what you are, no matter what you're complaining about in your relationship, if you can't find some contentment where you are, no matter what you are, no matter what you're complaining about in your relationship, right, if you can't find some contentment where you are now, then you're not going to be. You're going to have a harder time finding contentment, even if you get what you want, because there's always something more to want.
Speaker 2:There is, and so I think, matt, you're right that first it's starting with that recognition of look what I do have, but sometimes it's also shifting your mindset towards, as a pursuer, find other ways to get what it is that you're actually looking for. Is there only one narrow way to get what you're looking for, or are there other ways to get towards your goal?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think this is where some really deep introspection is necessary for pursuers, especially pursuers who may be discontented in some way, because I would venture to say that you you as a sexual pursuer, even if you're worried about who's initiating you are looking for more than just the physical act of sex. At least, I hope that you are. In truth, I think you are. Sometimes we just don't recognize it, and so consider how you might be able to find things like connection or validation or companionship, whatever it might be that you are looking for, whatever it is that you get from sex, whatever it is that it would be meaningful for you if your spouse were initiating more. What is it that you are looking for and where are some other places where you could find that?
Speaker 2:Right and honestly evaluate, as a sexual pursuer, whether you're initiating connection and realms of intimacy that are meaningful to your spouse. This is another way to frame that right are meaningful to your spouse. I mean, this is another way to frame that right. If I'm so hyper fixated on the realm of connection that I want, to the degree that I am not giving in other realms of intimacy, well, I'm the cause of the unhealthiness of my relationship. And so you know, if you aren't building connection, how can you reasonably expect that your spouse would be inclined to seek you, especially sexually? You know, if you're not willing to put forth the effort to build connection emotionally, then you should be pointing the finger at your own self. I think.
Speaker 1:In other words, your spouse may be wondering why you are unwilling to initiate emotional connection, and maybe have a legitimate complaint in that regard as well. So this obviously goes both ways, and so that's what we're trying to get you to look at and to see if you are a sexual pursuer in this condition. So again, think about this question what would it mean for you to have your spouse initiate sex more? Why is this something that you want?
Speaker 2:And it's not wrong to want that?
Speaker 1:Oh no, absolutely not. I mean, it's certainly not wrong to want that, but we're asking you to dig a little bit deeper and think about why is it that you want this? What would it mean to you? Because if you can answer that question, then you can have a better conversation with your spouse about explaining to them what it would mean, and that's a much better place to come at a conversation than just I'm unhappy with you. If you can explain, this would mean so much to me if you did this for me, and this is why that's a much better place to motivate than using shame or guilt or judgment as a way to try to motivate them to give you what you want.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think it's also important in a lot of cases for pursuers to recognize that your responder is initiating. You just don't realize it. Good point Responders are often very quiet with their initiation and they almost always initiate in ways that natural sexual pursuers would never even think of, Like they do not look at that act and go. That clearly is sexual initiation.
Speaker 1:Most responders miss when sorry, most pursuers miss when a responder actually does initiate Right. What do you mean by that, jen?
Speaker 2:Like a responder may initiate by doing something subtle, like in the morning putting on the little bit more sexy pair of underwear that the pursuer may not have even noticed. The pursuer may not even see the responder getting dressed or undressed, but the responder themselves went ahead and took that extra step with undergarment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or if the pursuer saw her get dressed, he may not even recognize that those are sexy undergarment.
Speaker 2:I mean that one maybe seems a little bit more obvious. But it's also things like a responder sharing feelings and details about our recent experience. I mean, instead of just getting lost in the mundane of the evening, the responder wanting to talk more. Or maybe it's the responder cooking that favorite meal, that meal that they know you really like. Maybe it's cleaning the kitchen or making the bed or decluttering the bedroom. Pursuers are listening to all that and going what? How in the world could that be actual initiation? Sexual initiation.
Speaker 1:Most of us pursuers would have never considered those and we certainly would never use those techniques as initiation Right.
Speaker 2:But look, if you have your eyes open. Sometimes that's ways so that they can more easily move into a sexual mood up the bedroom. It's because they are oftentimes looking to create emotional and physical space. They are decluttering in order to make space emotionally for the connection that they would like to have happen. You know, responders are just generally going to be more subtle when it comes to their initiation. Subtle when it comes to their initiation, like a responder might give a simple kiss or a little bit longer of a hug or a physical touch. That's not just completely norm, but still subtle as a way to signal physical desire. That's not an overt like hey, here I am hanging from the chandelier and nothing, but you know, a tiny little thong. That's not maybe going to happen. You know it may also look like an invitation to watch a sappy rom-com together or, even scarier, an invitation to a distraction-free dinner with an in-depth conversation. Because those are ways of initiating emotional connection that a responder needs to be a bridge into physical connection Right right Now.
Speaker 1:Of course, pursuers, just you know, put the brakes on. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, so it is important to just be careful and not over interpret your responders behaviors and their actions in that moment, but I think it's probably fair to realize that some parts of your sexual relationship are in fact initiated by, and they are in fact fueled by your responders' interests and fueled by their passions. So I think maybe summarizing this point is that, pursuers, you are probably not the only one doing the work here, even if you feel like it. And ultimately, though, even if you were the only one doing the work here, initiating is your job. So stop complaining about it.
Speaker 2:Maybe that's the simple way to stay in there I would.
Speaker 1:I say that a little bit tongue in cheek. If it's a if it's bothering you, then you need to have a conversation about it, but ultimately it's your job.
Speaker 2:Right, and so, maybe, kind of ending this episode, let's kind of land on what should responders be doing, because sometimes the best way to respond is actually by initiating. So, responders, you're not off the hook.
Speaker 1:That's right. So if your pursuer comes to you and says, hey, I wish you would initiate more, ok, let's have a conversation about that.
Speaker 2:You can't just say well, Matt and Jen said I don't have to, that's right. No, we did not.
Speaker 1:It's not your responsibility, but you do have a role here.
Speaker 2:Here's why when a responder initiates, it signals to the pursuer that the responder values connection in this way, even though the responder is not naturally inclined to seek connection in that way. So you are literally saying to your pursuer I see you Right, I do want you, I value you. Yes, I am thankful for you, I am grateful for you it says all of that when you are willing to also initiate.
Speaker 1:So what you're saying is sometimes the best way to respond is by pursuing yeah. That seems counterintuitive and it is. Generally the pressure on the relationship dynamic is greatly de-escalated when a responder is willing to initiate yeah, Because the pursuer is going to feel so much less anxious about the relationship. They're going to know that their responsive spouse is actually connected and engaged and then the pursuer is going to be so much less motivated by fear, motivated by that desperate sense of scarcity. They can be finally motivated by fullness and this is going to lead to much fewer of these pressure filled tactics to try to initiate connections. If they feel like you're invested, if they feel like you're there, if they feel like you're interested, then they're going to feel like they have to use less pressure techniques to get you to engage.
Speaker 2:Right. So if you, as a responder, feel like all your pursuer ever does is try and pressure you, the answer to that is not keep taking five steps backwards. The answer is actually walk towards your pursuer. Yeah, close that gap by initiating. That will calm down your pursuer Because again it says I see you.
Speaker 1:That's exactly right.
Speaker 2:You know, another benefit of the responder initiating the connection is that the responder gets to control the particular way the connection is made.
Speaker 2:And for us responders we love control Responders like control we do we like control, and so when you initiate, while that might seem like you're stepping outside of your comfort zone, you actually can have more control over the timing, the preparation that you would like to put into it. You can have more control over the method and the means of how you navigate into that place of vulnerability. So if you don't like the initiation to come about in a whoa I didn't see that coming kind of way well, sometimes the answer is okay. So how can I initiate this in a controlled environment to where I don't initially feel that sense of oh, whoa?
Speaker 1:you want what, when, where. For example, you can choose the topic of conversation. You might not get to decide how the conversation goes exactly, but if you start the conversation you get to control what that initial topic is. If you want to initiate date night and you schedule it, then guess what. You get to choose what you're doing, when you're doing it, how you're doing it, what time, how long you get to choose what you're doing, when you're doing it, how you're doing it, what time, how long you get to choose that activity. And if you choose the sexual connection when or how or the time place, whatever it might be then guess what. Now you get to step into something with much less anxiety about what is next and what is coming.
Speaker 2:Just remember that pursuers tend to need very direct communication. So responders are subtle. Pursuers need direct communication. That means that you must make specific bids for connection. So be blunt, let your pursuer know hey, I'm initiating. Feel empowered to establish though your boundaries and clearly communicate what you are offering. The more you communicate about it, the better it will be for both of you Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And I think the other thing is that sometimes responders maybe think too big about this, because sometimes the only initiation that is necessary for a responder sometimes is for them just to simply offer an invitation.
Speaker 2:I think this is a huge point, because us responders we think that if we're going to initiate, we have to do it exactly like a pursuer would do it.
Speaker 1:And you have to have thought through all the details.
Speaker 2:Exactly, specifically in the realms of sexual pursuit and response, we think, okay, how would my sexual pursuer initiate this? I've got to be that. Well, no, you don't, because that statement you just made an invitation is initiation. Your pursuer will likely be more than willing to take care of all the details if they feel invited, yes, and that chance of rejection then is low and you've created safety.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. That is such an important point because that is mostly what pursuers are worried about is being rejected. If you remove the risk of rejection, pursuers are often going to take over and they will take care of all of the details.
Speaker 2:Right, so you don't want to plan the entire night. But you could make a statement like I'm willing to be seduced tonight. Now, it's a challenge. You've offered an invitation. That is initiation, but your pursuer can do the planning if that's what you don't want to do. So you can make statements like will you plan a sexy date night for us? Right, you know that's ways to invite, but not have to be the one making all the decisions that you may be, as a responder, aren't naturally inclined to make. You make statements like can you help me get the kids in bed so that we can have some alone time tonight? You are saying I see you, I want connection with you. Your pursuer is going to be like gotcha.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can figure this out.
Speaker 1:The pursuers are more than happy to be the creative ones and to get things done, as long as the risk of rejection is low.
Speaker 2:So, of course, relationships are complicated, multi-layered, right the line is, your individual results may vary, that's right. But, responders, if you'll make the effort to initiate once in a while, push against your own comfort zone, I know that the results will often be much more favorable for both of you.
Speaker 1:For sure, this goes both ways. And again we're asking pursuers to find some contentment. We're asking responders to step outside your comfort zone a little bit, so the answer who initiates?
Speaker 2:You both do. If you want more information, if you like this topic and you haven't heard us speak more about this, we invite you to listen to episode 141, better Pursuit and Initiation. Episode 96, responders Learning to Initiate, and way back in the beginning when we were podcast newbies. Episode 17, initiating Sex Just other episodes where we have delved into the topic of initiation. All right, matt, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1:Whether it's sexual connection or any other aspect of your relationship. If you sense a lack of it in your relationship, it's up to you to initiate what is missing. If you feel like you are the only one initiating, guess what? Keep striving, but recognize with gratitude that your spouse may actually be contributing a whole lot more to your sexual and emotional relationship than what you immediately recognize. Responders, you can learn to initiate in ways that are comfortable for you, and this effort will speak volumes of love to your pursuer.
Speaker 2:Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about who is initiating sex in your relationship, Whether you are a sexual pursuer or a responder. What are you going to do to make sure that neither of you feel neglected or pressured?
Speaker 1:We would love to hear your feedback on this episode. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimatecovenantcom or to submit an anonymous question or any feedback. You can go to our website, intimatecovenantcom. Slash podcast.
Speaker 2:Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We're truly humbled by all your encouragement and support. Thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. If Intimate Covenant has blessed your marriage, we'd love to have you join us too. Subscribe at Patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1:Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.