5 regrets I don't want to have when I am 90: lessons from my grandmother

Drawing from my grandmother's experiences wrangling with dementia, I share five crucial life lessons on being present, practicing self-care, speaking your truth, forgiveness, and generosity with time. 

These teachings provide a pathway towards a fulfilling life and a positive influence on our children. Through a thoughtful exploration of family dynamics, we delve into the often-ignored need to truly understand our children beyond the material gifts and the impact of childhood trauma lasting into old age.

Don't miss these 5 important lessons!

Transcript

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Lessons on Connecting With Children

Speaker 1 0:00

Hello , my dear friend , welcome back to another episode of the curious Neuron podcast . My name is Cindy Huffington and I'm your host . Today I want to talk about my grandmother . She is struggling now with dementia . She's going to be 91 soon and she's been saying a lot of things that I've been writing down and have been thinking about , because I don't want to have the same regrets she's having right now as a 90 year old mother that you know . I want to use that , to kind of use it as a reminder right now as a mom who just turned 40 . I don't want to end up down the line the way that she is , and it's not a bad thing , it's just things that she wasn't aware of before .

Speaker 1 0:42

So before I do that , I do want to thank the Tenenbaum Open Science Institute for supporting the curious Neuron podcast . Thank you . It means so much to me that an institution McGill University and their affiliate hospital , the Neuro supports what I am doing and that it matters that I'm putting science out there for parents . I think it's important for parents to have access to science and I love that I get the support from this institution because I'm no longer part of an institution . I have left research and I am still involved in research by taking the science and writing about it , blogging about it , putting it up on Instagram and , you know , recording podcasts with the researchers themselves sometimes and I want to make sure that you have access to all the information you need to make the informed decisions as a parent . This is not a parenting platform I used to call it that I don't like saying parenting platform because I'm focusing on emotional development , emotional health , mental health and well-being , both for you and your child . So if you are new here , welcome . Thank you for realizing how important you are in your child's life enough to want to make a change and to listen to what the research says and to figure out how you can apply it to your own life and how you can apply it to your child as well . And also , if you are new here , don't forget to subscribe to the curious Neuron podcast . You can leave a rating and rate it on Apple podcasts and on Spotify as well .

Speaker 1 2:11

And if you do so , because it means so much to me that you're doing that , please send me an email at info at curious Neuroncom . Come say hi and I will send you a free PDF that's $10 on our Academy . It's about melt melt . It's called meltdown mountain and it's about emotion regulation skills for kids . It's a PDF that will help you learn how to speak to your child about emotions , how to model it , and print this page one pager that you can use for the language to help your child learn how to cope with their emotions .

Speaker 1 2:39

You can also follow us on Instagram at curious underscore Neuron , and visit our website at curious Neuroncom . We've got tons of articles there where we have graduate students and myself summarizing the research that we're reading and figuring out how is it applicable to a parent ? What can they take from this article ? Without having to read this 20 page article that took us two hours , you can do it in three minutes . So head on to curious Neuroncom and we have a YouTube channel as well in case you want to watch the old episodes that I have for the curious Neuron podcast . I've got some really good ones up there , some with well-known people like Justin Baldoni his co-star from Jane the Virgin is also up there as well Andrea Nevedo , and we've got other interviews that were amazing . Just go on to youtubecom and search curious Neuron , or you can click the link in the bio below .

Speaker 1 3:32

Alright , so as I said before , the past couple of months we've seen a pretty steep deterioration of my grandmother's mental health . Dementia has kicked in and now she's not sure of , like the past , what's real , what's not . She often feels like there's somebody coming into her home she's living alone by the way in a house and I she's been saying a few things that I've been kind of writing down and and not just letting it pass and saying , oh you know , it's an old woman saying things . I just want to make sure that you know I use this to inform myself . I am somebody who really believes in growth .

Speaker 1 4:06

If you look at my values , there are two very strong values in my personal life that I think I've spoken about before . One of them is connection . I believe that connection is so important for us , for our mental health and for our well-being . Connection , as we saw through the pandemic which was lost , really impacts us . So connection is one of is my first important one , a value , but my second one is growth .

Speaker 1 4:32

I believe in always taking a moment to step back , to look at your life , to reevaluate , to reassess . I do this with my businesses . I have Kira Snoron . I'm the co-founder of Kira Snoron , but I'm also the co-founder of Wondergrade , which is an app , it's a startup and in both of these companies I'm always stepping back and saying what's working , what's not , and if it's not working , how can we make it better . And I do this in parenting as well . I do this in my relationship .

Speaker 1 4:58

It drives my husband nuts , but I always step back and say am I happy ? Am I not ? Are the kids happy ? Are they not ? What can we change ? What can we do to improve this ? That is my second core value . It's just what's at the foundation of me , and I've been taking what my grandmother says to heart and you know , here's , here's what I've been learning from her . So there are five things that my grandmother has been showing me actually four things . There's four things , but I added a fifth thing that I've been noticing in my surroundings and another adult , and there are five things that I've written down to say like I don't want to end up this way . So how do I change what I'm doing today ?

Speaker 1 5:38

The first thing is something my grandmother said to me . She said at one point during the winter , I would give anything to be able to go back into my past , when my kids were really small , to sit and take a moment to play with them . And when she said that , I said what did it look like for you when your kids were younger ? These are different times , by the way . I am aware of that , but I think I'm saying this because I know that , as parents , I am still hearing parts of this with parents and still living it myself . I have to be very aware of how I'm spending my day and consciously making time to connect with all three kids , and this is why I'm saying this out loud .

Speaker 1 6:16

So she said that you know , my grandfather was in the Navy . He was never home and she was alone , having to take care of the her two kids , and they were living in a different province here in Canada and she just never had time for them . She never had time to sit and play and she sees how important play is for me and how I've been doing that with my kids , and she's now taking the time , not right now , but a couple years ago , when my kids were younger and she was a little bit younger she was able to sit with them on the floor and to play with them and to go to the park with them . Now she can't . It's a little bit different , but she said that she would do anything to just go back for a moment with her kids when they were young , to sit and just be present with them , and it really hit me . We need to , not , we can't forget this . We we need to remember that we need to connect with our kids . This is not about playing with them four hours a day , it's really not .

Speaker 1 7:13

But are you taking a moment every single day to connect with each child ? And it doesn't have to be through play . It could be when they wake up , it could be during mealtime . You know some families eat together , some families don't . Maybe , if you eat together , it's a good time to connect with your child when you're cooking depending on your child's age , if they're younger . After dinner , before dinner , is there a moment , even if it's 10 minutes , is there a moment that you can connect with your child ? Perhaps it's at bedtime . Maybe that's a good time for you , but maybe that's also when you're feeling overwhelmed and you're really looking forward to your child going to bed . But let's not look forward to our child going to bed every single day either . Right ? We're gonna lose those moments . These moments are gonna pass by so quickly .

Speaker 1 7:58

I don't want to end up being 90 years old saying I would give anything to go back and to make a difference and to connect with my child . Let's not have that regret . So 10 minutes , 5 minutes , whatever you have , find a moment in your day where you feel not , where you don't feel overwhelmed or stressed , a Moment where you're sitting , your calm , your present phones , tech , anything they're put away , and you are taking time to be with your child . Just be with your child so that at least when we're older including myself , I'm saying this , I'm saying you , but I'm talking to myself . This is like a verbal journal to myself . I don't want to be 90 and Say something like wow , I really missed those moments . I didn't do what I should have done or what I wanted to do because I was cleaning the house , because I was cooking , whatever it is . I don't want to have that regret and that's part of the reason , honestly , why I left work .

Parenting and Family Dynamics Lessons

Speaker 1 8:51

I was a researcher , I was doing a postdoctoral fellowship at McGill University and I got pregnant and decided I don't want to do this . I , I live at work , I'm I also . I was living at work and Not I was taking work back home . I was never home . My husband . There was a day where he brought me dinner at the library at McGill University and I was just thinking to myself , like , is this what I want for my child ? I could have changed the way that I was doing things . And if some of you are listening , that know me you're like Cindy hey , hold on a second . You still work a lot . I do , but I work when my kids are sleeping during the day . I intentionally take time with my kids . So it's about being intentional . So that's the first one .

Speaker 1 9:32

The second thing that I've learned from my grandmother is not to neglect my mental health . She struggles very much with anxiety and I didn't realize this as a child . I see it now as an adult . I see it now as somebody , as a PhD specializing in mental health . I , it's very clear , anxiety has taken over whatever freedom she could have had right now as a nine-year-old . She is afraid of everything , even when she's in a situation that should be safe . She doesn't feel safe . She wants to leave . She is not taking the time , let's say , to stay at birthday parties with the kids because she thinks that she's Taking away from time from younger people hanging out .

Speaker 1 10:12

Nobody said that . It's her anxiety of everything she has experienced childhood trauma . She has spoken about it . She has had a very difficult life where , at 10 years old , her parents put her on a train and said hey , you're moving to a different province that's hours and hours away because your older sister they had 16 brothers and sisters , by the way your older sister has two kids and she can't keep up and she needs a nanny . So you're becoming a nanny for your sister . We're pulling you out of school , didn't have time to say goodbye to her friends . That was only a small part of the trauma she endured and that messes a person up . You know , like these again are old days , yes , but we have to be aware of that . We now know better when it comes to mental health and we should know better .

Speaker 1 11:02

And if we are feeling anxious all the time , let's not ignore that please . If you are feeling that things are overwhelming and you are often thinking about like , what if ? Remember that episode I had about the what if ? Thoughts , it applies to us as well . So we and I struggled a lot with anxiety at the beginning . With my first born child , I was not really leaving the home , to be honest , because what if something happens ? What if a stranger takes her ? What if somebody touches her ? What if , I don't know ? I had so many what if ? Thoughts , but I never really spoke to them , about people , to other people around me . It was just like , hey , I'm gonna stay home , I'm chilling . It's so easy to pretend to be okay with anxiety . Nobody will see it . We feel it , our thoughts , our anxieties , they're stuck in our brains and we have to let it out . So now I'm seeing how much of that anxiety is taking away from her who's technically , physically healthy and could be attending parties , who's technically not that bad yet and not doing things that she should be doing because she's worrying so much about everything . It's taking away her freedom and whatever she has left to live . It's taking that away . So let's not , as parents , ignore our mental health .

Speaker 1 12:15

Number three regardless of a child's age , it's clear to me now , seeing my grandmother and her two kids , that a child wants to feel seen . They want to feel heard . So what do I mean by this ? Well , I think about myself when my kids were a little bit younger , and I think about what I hear from parents , because I'm very lucky to have contact with a lot of parents through social media and they often talk about kids being whiny or clingy . What does that really mean ? A child who is clingy is expressing something shyness , fear , worries , sadness , wanting to connect something . But we often see it as some sort of discomfort for us , or not just a discomfort , but it's impeding whatever we need to get done right If a child is whining or if they're clingy . So I'm seeing now , let's say , my mom and my uncle , who are in their 60s , still not feeling seen and heard , and it's creating such a disconnect between them and my grandmother . And when I'm seeing it now as somebody who's like just kind of stepping back and watching , they still just want to feel seen and heard .

Speaker 1 13:24

And our children , whether they're two or five or 40 or 60 , they want to feel seen and heard . But she has never been attuned to that for whatever reasons . So we have to make sure that we take the time to hear our children , especially when they're gonna become teenagers . I'm assuming my kids are not there yet , but I hear from parents and my family my husband's family that have teenagers that sometimes it's a struggle and I spoke to some of the teenagers . There's an article on my website , by the way , where a teenager interviewed her friends and they just want to feel seen and heard by their parents . If they're doing something that looks like behavioral , it is behavioral . They're not listening . They're doing something wrong at school . They're not following whatever it is . What's beneath that right ? So a child wanting to feel seen and heard , perhaps ? And what are they trying to tell us ? What do they need help with ?

Speaker 1 14:20

Number four objects and gifts are not equal to love . That one was hard for me to realize because as a child she did the same with me and it felt like she loved me because , hey , I wanted this , boom , I got it . Not cool , not cool now . The reason why I'm saying that is because she's not doing that anymore and I'm seeing the impact that's having not on me , I'm good with that , but on her kids , one in particular I'm not gonna mention which one , but they are so used to getting whatever they want from my grandmother and that's how she was expressing love that the disconnect is getting bigger now because she's not offering those things anymore . Number one and number two she doesn't know how to express her love any differently , so she's still criticizing them all the time . Then , when they get upset at her , she's playing the victim . It's not easy for me to see it that way , because I love my grandmother . It's not about judging , but I see now what she was doing for me , my brother and her own two kids .

Speaker 1 15:27

She was giving us things , and things was the way that she expressed love . It doesn't mean that you don't have to do that , but besides those objects , are you able to express love ? And here's where the information comes in she doesn't . She was raised that way and again , with her own trauma and her own disconnect from her own parents . She doesn't speak well of her mother . She speaks well of her dad because he gave her anything she wanted . But how do you express love ? How did he express his love to her ? I don't know , but for her and what I've seen growing up , you know . It's not that she doesn't hug us , it's not that she doesn't like show affection , but she does a lot more towards me and my brother than to her own kids .

Speaker 1 16:12

And now I'm realizing the impact that it's having on her own kids and that they need that . Doesn't matter their age . They just didn't get that and that that impacted the way that my mom expresses love and the way that my uncle expresses love . They seed as objects . So kids in the end don't need all those things . It's too many objects around them . How are we showing love ? And if we struggle with showing love to ourselves , we might struggle with showing love to our kids , and the cycle continues . So how do we break that cycle ? How do we build connection , true connection ? And part of that might be attachment as well . I'm not a therapist , I don't want to go into attachment Way too complicated but just that question of gifts and love and objects . And how are we doing that with their kids ? I don't want to have that regret , so I want my kids to feel they don't need things from me for love .

Speaker 1 17:05

Number five is something that I haven't been learning from my grandmother , but somebody else in my life , somebody who's older and has kids , and their kids have kids , and I have been seeing their kids tell them like hey , I don't like the way you're doing this , I don't like the way you're saying this , this needs to change . And all I'm seeing from this adult is pushback . How dare you say this to me ? I'm your parent , yeah , but you do it this way . Well , you do it too . No , I don't . I don't do that . It's ego . Put your ego to the side .

Speaker 1 17:38

As a parent , it's not easy , because if you're a child right now , we're to tell you , hey mom , hey dad , you're on your phone too much and I don't like it . What would you say to them in that moment ? I've done it , I've had , I've pushed back in that moment , not realizing what I was saying , like no , I'm not just checking an email . But when are we able to actually sit back and say can I be on my phone less ? Can I give you more attention ? Can I spend a little bit more time with you outside ? Am I able to say yes more often than I can say no ? That's something I've been learning from this particular adult .

Speaker 1 18:14

So that's not my grammar , but somebody else in my life that I've just been watching stepping back , kind of like looking from above and seeing , time after time , a child saying I don't like the way you're saying this , I don't like the way you're doing this . And that person probably feels like their kids are pointing fingers at them and that they're messing everything up . But that's not what the kids are saying . The kids are saying listen to us . We know that things could be better . If you were to do this , our relationship would change if you were to do this . Your life would change if you were to , you know , do this differently . But that person , that parent , is only hearing I've messed up and they're not kind of putting their ego to the side and that's hard . It's hard as a parent .

Speaker 1 18:56

So those are the five things I've learned and I don't want to have those regrets when I'm older . So let's summarize the five regrets I don't want to have when I'm older are regretting the time I spent with my kids and connected with them . So I'm going to try to say yes more often to play and try to be more connected with them . So if I can't say yes to play one day , can I find a moment of connection ? Number two I don't want to neglect my mental health . I do struggle with anxiety , not as much because after having my third kid I started working on it and that became a big priority in my life . So I'm trying not to do that and I hope you are also putting that as a priority in your life .

Speaker 1 19:35

Number three regardless of my kids ages , I want to make sure that they are seen and they are heard . Kind of ties in with number five . So I'll bring in number five right away , which is like putting my ego to the side as a parent , regardless of my kids ages and number . And the last one is not making my child feel like the love comes with objects that I give them . My love is going to be shown to them and how I respect them , how I listen to them , how I help them feel seen , how I connect with them , and I hope that I can continue doing that as they get older so that I don't have this regret later

Rating and Review Request for Podcast

Speaker 1 20:09

on .

Speaker 1 20:09

I hope this episode was helpful to you . Please take a moment to rate the podcast and review it on Apple Podcasts or Spotify . Thank you again to the Tenenbaum Open Science Institute . Don't forget to follow us on Instagram . Curious underscore neuron . And I appreciate you so much for being here and listening to me chatting to myself on these solos . I hope you have a wonderful and beautiful week . I will see you next Monday . Bye .