Curious Neuron

5 Journaling and Reflective Parenting Questions to Ask Yourself

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 5 • Episode 25

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Do you know the power of your own mind and how journaling can unlock that potential? Let's embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth. This episode is a deep dive into the transformative power of journaling, an instrumental tool in shaping thoughts and managing anxieties. We explore how journaling helps in understanding oneself better and how it can be used to tackle everyday issues. It is a candid conversation about the journey of self-reflection, learning and understanding propelled by journaling. 

But we don't stop there. We broaden the conversation to focus on the realm of parenting. We explore reflective parenting, asking hard questions about our roles as parents. We talk about how to communicate with kids effectively, teaching them to criticize constructively, and fostering an environment where they feel loved and valued. We delve into the significance of instilling our values in our kids and the importance of quality time. This episode wraps up with a thought-provoking discussion on the power of values in parenting and the impact of reflective journaling. Prepare to be inspired, challenged, and enlightened.

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. In case you are new here, I am a mom of three with a PhD in neuroscience. I am from Montreal, canada, and I'm here to share science with you, or sometimes some insights. Sometimes I interview specialists or clinicians and sometimes, like today, I just chat with you by myself, and this is what we are doing today. It's a solo episode and I wanted to chat about something that's been on my mind. If you've been following me and listening to the podcast for a while, you know that about a month after January 1st so by the end of January, beginning of February, I published a podcast episode where I shared some insights into starting to journal and what it looked like for me.

Speaker 1:

I have thoroughly enjoyed journaling since the beginning of this year. I am still doing it, not every single day, but as whenever I can, and every time I do, I tell myself or remind myself that I need to do this even more often, but I haven't stopped. At least it's not something that I started and I completely stopped. I do see differences in how I reflect on things throughout my day and also besides the past month, if you've been following me on Instagram at Curious Underscore Neuron, you know that I've had some insomnia for the past month for several reasons, including things that are on my mind, some things that have been happening on my street here, you know kids putting a car on fire one night and theft another night and it's just been two things that happened in a month that have led to me being worried when I'm sleeping. So, besides that, I have noticed a difference in the way that I think about things and some certain anxiety around other things because I journal about it.

Speaker 1:

When you have something on your mind, you just write it down and you start that sort of conversation with yourself out loud and it's almost like I don't know if you've ever had these moments where, I don't know, you speak to a friend or a family member and you have a situation or a problem or a colleague even right, and you're like I don't know how to get through this. You know, I've noticed that I'm doing this, and then I get stuck here and then, as you're saying it out loud, you have this ah moment and you're like oh wait, I just solved my problem because I said it out loud. That's the way I see journaling, so I'm gonna get into some questions that I'd love for you to ask yourself this week. You can write about it, or you could even just say it out loud, or you can record yourself talking about it. Whatever your format is, we can call it journaling or we can I call it like reflective parenting I just made that up but like it's just a way for you to reflect on who you are, what you're doing and how you could improve yourself. And I, you know, one of my values is growth and I do believe that it's important that we always take the time to evaluate ourselves and ask questions, and that includes the way that we parent.

Speaker 1:

So before I move into that, I do want to thank the Tenenbaum Open Science Institute for supporting the Kirstenarum podcast. I'm extremely grateful that an institution here in Montreal, mcgill University, in the Neuro, support what I am doing, which is making science accessible to you. Today we're not covering science, but we are. Well, we are covering science because there's a lot of science around reflective journaling or reflective writing, and how this helps somebody who is. You know, they cover this in cancer treatment patients. They cover this in parents who have an autistic child and how this helps them with stress levels and anxiety, but I'm not going to cover specific paper today, just my own experiences with this.

Speaker 1:

I do also want to take a moment to thank our other sponsors, betterhelp and PocPoc. Betterhelp you can get all the information that you need from them. I've been talking about them now for a couple of weeks. If you are looking for support to help you through something that you're struggling with or your mental health, you can do this online, and I really recommend that you look into their website and look into what they can offer you.

Speaker 1:

You can click the link in the show notes, and PocPoc is an app that is the first app I ever introduced my kids to. They still, to this day, are playing it, even if they've had it for two years now, I think, on my phone and their iPad or my iPad. And the reason why I like this app so much is because it's open-ended. It's not telling you what to do and kids can't explore. From a parent's point of view, you can be asking yourself like what are they doing? They're just clicking on these sounds and like moving things around. But this is the beauty of open-ended play and you don't have to worry about an app over stimulating your child.

Speaker 1:

So you can get 50% off a full year if you click the link in the show notes and if you haven't done so yet, you can also visit our website at kyrstenoncom, and you can visit the academy, where I have webinars and PDFs, and you can also read our articles that are written by graduate students or myself and we cover research. You have all the links there that you need. And, lastly, if there's a podcast episode that you're looking for but you can't find it, you might find it more easily on our website, kyrstenoncom. And come follow us on Instagram. We are now at 141,000 followers parents and clinicians and grandparents who enjoy the content and wanna learn more about science. So there's the bite-sized pieces of science there on Instagram, so come and follow us. All right.

Speaker 1:

So, like I said, journaling has really been helping me to reflect on my life as a human, as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter. You know, the relationship I have with my mom is complicated and it allows me to write about, like what's bothering me or if I should have done or said something differently, and it really helps me think about what I'm doing. I've been noticing in certain relationships, mostly in parents or older people within my friends or my own entourage that you know, hearing criticism from your kids is sometimes difficult, and it got me thinking this week about certain questions that I could be asking myself. So today I have five questions that you can ask yourself this week, so I'm gonna say them all and then we're gonna break it down. So question number one is what should I do more of as a parent? Two what should I do less of, or what should I be doing less of as a mom or a parent or a dad? Number three which values do I want to instill in my kids? Number four how do I want my kids to describe me in two years? And number five how do I want my kids to describe me in 15 years? There's a reason why I have those two years.

Speaker 1:

So let's start with the first two questions what should I be doing more of and what should I be doing less of as a mom? I was sitting down and thinking about these questions because I'm not just asking you to do this, I wanna do this myself as well and then it hit me. A couple of years ago we had started these family meetings and we haven't been doing it very much. We'd started it a while ago, we loved it, but we just haven't done it for some reason. Things are going well, I guess, in our family, to the point that we don't wanna have a family meeting, but I think we should make it a regular thing.

Speaker 1:

However, what I noticed is it was really important for me as a mom, and myself, cindy, to ask my kids, even if they were young, what would you like me to do more of and what would you like me to do less of? Because I can sit here and write a list, but is my list the same as my kids? As you know, there's also an episode or maybe you don't know, there's an episode that I have about parenting being very similar to being a CEO, and I still firmly believe in that, because, as a leader of your household and your family, you and your partner, or just you if you're a single parent you have to know the strengths and the challenges that your kids or your team is having, but you also have to understand yourself. I think something that I've learned as the co-founder of a startup and running Kyrsten Rahn is that the more I understand my own I'm not gonna say weaknesses, they're challenges. What are things that you need to work on? So the more I focus in on that and realize, wow, I struggle at A, b and C, then I can ask for help or I can do the work to improve that. The more I do that, the better things are, the better I can run the company or the better that I can run my team.

Speaker 1:

I need to do the same thing as a parent, but that means that I need to be able to hear criticism from my kids, and that's not easy. So I really do think that it's important for us as parents, starting from a very young age, to show our kids that we respect their opinions about us. You know, and if they tell us something like I don't like your purple pants, that's one thing. But if your kids are saying you're on the phone a lot, or if your kids are saying you yell a lot, or if your kids are saying I don't like it when you I don't know say something, or I would love to spend more time with you, or you don't play with me enough, it's very easy to become defensive right away. Right, it's really easy to say, well, I'm not on my phone a lot, or it's only when we're having dinner or it's only after dinner. It's not about justifying what you do, just hear them out.

Speaker 1:

And so I asked my kids, my older kids, before recording this podcast. I sat down with them and I said what should mommy do more of and what should mommy do less of? And the what should mommy do more of came out to be things that they like about me. So both my daughter and my son so my six and my eight year old said that they love how much I love them, which was really beautiful. And I said how do you know that I love you? What do I do that shows you how much I love you?

Speaker 1:

And they spoke about playing together. They spoke about the fact that I always cook the meals that they like. They spoke about the hugs that I give them and the cuddles that we do in the morning. So, to me well, for me personally, because my husband is the one who puts them to bed all three kids, because I work at night I really value when they wake up in the morning and that's where I have a lot of my one-on-one time. So they valued the time that we would spend together.

Speaker 1:

Every, after every kid wakes up, I spend a good five minutes it's not even a lot, but like five minutes of cuddles with that specific child, and each child knows that. So when one wakes up and they see that I'm cuddling with one of them, they wait for their turn. It's so cute, but they notice that. So it was really cute that they've voiced that they just want to do. They want more of that. They like it. That's what they're enjoying. So they mentioned the love that I have for them, the kindness, how kind you are, how much you love us and how caring you are. Those are the three things and it warmed my heart.

Speaker 1:

And then I asked them what should I do less of? And my daughter was thinking about it and she said she said I don't like it when you drink coffee because then your breath stinks. Fair enough, but it was really cute because she was honest and I've taught her from a very young age that she could be honest with me. And she said she told me this a couple of weeks ago and now, after I have my coffee, instead of brushing my teeth when I wake up, I brush my teeth right after my coffee. And she said that she noticed I was doing this, but that she just want to repeat. That was the only thing that she had to complain about, so fair enough. And my son kind of said, yeah, same. But besides that there was nothing that they wanted me to change. And I asked them the difference between if they remembered what they had asked me to change a couple of years ago. And they said the yelling. And I said have you noticed a difference? And they both said at the same time you don't yell anywhere as much as you used to yell.

Speaker 1:

So I wanted to just show you the importance of having that conversation with your kids, having that conversation with yourself. You can sit down and answer these questions on your own, but we can also get comfortable with asking this question to our kids and having these conversations because, like I was telling my kids as, first of all, it taught them how to sort of criticize and say something that you don't like in a person or that you'd like them to change in a way that is loving. So that's the conversation I had with them today at bedtime. After they shared what they wanted me to change, I said it's really important for you to keep feeling comfortable telling me something that is not comfortable like something that you want me to change, or criticism, because there are ways of saying it in a way that's loving and in a way that's not really loving, right?

Speaker 1:

So I said to my daughter let's take the example of my breath after drinking coffee. You don't like the smell of coffee, great. And it's even worse when somebody smells of coffee, right. And she's like yeah. So I said you didn't say mommy, you're gross, you stink, right? I said how would that feel if I said that to you? She's like well, I wouldn't feel so good. And then I said but how does it feel if I say hey, mom, I've noticed that when you have coffee your breath smells like coffee and personally I don't like that smell. Would you mind maybe brushing your teeth right after? And she said well, that sounds much better. And I said that's how you said it to me when you said it the first time. So I said it doesn't feel like you're being mean, it feels like you're trying to help me be better, and when you do that, it makes me feel good about what you're saying to me, even if it's hard to hear. It feels good because I know that you want me to be the best version of me. So thank you. I want us to get comfortable with doing this, you know doing this and having these conversations with our kids, because not only is it helping us to grow they don't want us to get worse, they just want us to get better right but it's also showing them this sort of social, emotional skill, right of having these uncomfortable conversations with people they love, and how to do it in a way that still feels loving and respectful. All right, so that covers the first two questions.

Speaker 1:

The third question is which values do I want, and still in my kids? The reason why I want you to ask yourself this question this week is because so I did this sort of little evaluation that I found online. You can Google values and you'll find lots of different websites, and I had done this with a friend of mine and what came to? You know, what showed up as being the most important values for me were connection and growth, and then the rest were. There was a few, but they weren't as strong. Family, obviously, is part of that, and I thought that, going into this, that family would be like number one, but it's because I value family, in the sense that I value the connection I have with them and the moments of connection I have with them. That's what feels good to me. So family is in there, but as a connection piece, same thing with my friends. I think of my good friends and how important it is for me to connect with them and that I place lots of importance on that and there's a connection piece. So that connection piece is across the board. That connection piece is why I'm here right now what time is it 10 36 on a Sunday night, recording this podcast, because I feel connected.

Speaker 1:

Every time one of you sends me an email, by the way, or somebody lets me know on Instagram that they listen to the podcast. It means that I'm not sitting in this basement for doing this, for no reason at all. I'm doing this to connect with you. I think it's important for us, you and I, to have this conversation every Monday where I publish the podcast, and for you to hear my thoughts or a conversation I had with someone, and I'm hoping that the connection that you and I have will lead to a difference or a change in your home. That connection is why Kyrsten Neuron exists, because of the connection I've had with parents and the changes I've heard that they've shared with me, with their family. So never feel afraid to email me at info at kyrstenneuroncom. And, by the way, if you rate and review the podcast, I will send you a free PDF. So you know it's a great reason to send me an email.

Speaker 1:

So the reason why I want you to think about what your values are is because then it's going to change how you interact and are with your kids, right? So if my values are connection and growth and I'm attuned with what my values are and I've just sat there to think about what my values are, I mean, when I did the activity with my friend, it took me 15, 20 minutes and it's aligned me since I've done it because I know that my values are growth and connection. So the connection piece means that I wanna make sure that every week I spend quality time with the people that I love and that fills my cup, that makes me feel satisfied and regulated and loved enough for me to give back to the people that I love, including my kids. The second piece is growth. If you were to take all my books away from me literally the books that I love my Kindle, my journal, my, I don't know, I can't think of anything else, but those are the things that matter to me. Why? Because journaling and reading and learning are what allowed me to grow, and growth and change is what's really important to me. So those things matter to me, but things are different for you and you need to figure out what your values are, because then you can instill that in your kids.

Speaker 1:

The way that I'm instilling this in my kids is that I am showing them the importance of connection together with me, but also I have taught them that they can take moments to connect together with themselves. It could be a little post-it. We do a lot of post-it love letters together and as a family. I do this with my husband, my kids do this with my husband or with myself. We're together where we just leave each other little love messages on a post-it and we put it in front of the person, beside the person's bed, on the fridge, wherever they're going to work on their laptop, and those moments of connection really matter to us as a family and my values have become part of my kids' values, right, like? I'm trying to instill things that matter. It doesn't mean that these will be their values later on and I'm okay with that, but right now I want to show them how this matters to me. And then the growth part I'm working on.

Speaker 1:

But the way that I'm kind of bringing that into the family is I finish the day and I've spoken about this in a podcast as well by asking my kids what was your favorite part of your day today? I want them this is kind of like their verbal journaling, right, like they're. Obviously they're too young. My eight-year-old journal she has a little journal. She started journaling last year where it was like a drawing and a few and a sentence or two, but now she's writing a lot more. And my six-year-old is starting grade one and he's also going to journal and that's going to be part of the way that we kind of bring in writing and the love for writing and pictures and drawing and all of that reflective stuff. I want them to at least take moments to think about what they loved about their day, what they wish they could have changed in their day or what you know as they get older, things they said or the way that they behaved, because it's important. So that's why it's important for you to actually take the time to think about what your values are and how to instill that with your kids, all right.

Speaker 1:

So the next questions are how do I want my child or my kids to describe me in two years and how do I want my kids to describe me in 15 years? The reason why I've brought up two years and then 15 years is because in two years it's close, it's like tomorrow. Right, with kids you blink and then it's like two years have passed. So I want you to think about the near future, because that really has an impact with what we do today. Right, if I know I'm not taking the time to connect with my six-year-old, then they won't talk about those moments of connections. In two years, right, they'll say like yeah, I mean my mom was around, but I was never really with her, or she was always busy, or she was always like working and never really had time for me.

Speaker 1:

Like, what is it in two years that I want my child to say about me? And I want to take the time to write that down, because if I write down that again, if you have very young kids, you know something might be about playing. Like you might want your child to say my mom or my dad really took the time to play with me on weekends, when they weren't working Like we had, you know, we would go for walks or maybe go to the park. What is it? What's the memory that you want your child to have of you? And once you write it down, ask yourself am I doing that, am I creating those memories? Am I making sure that this will be part of what's ingrained in them in two years? Of? Like, wow, my mom or my dad really did x, y, z. And if it's not, if you feel that this is you know, you really want your child to say that you played with them and you connected with them, or that you cooked with them or went for walks, or you were the parent that brought them to the park every Friday night, whatever it is. But you're not doing that.

Speaker 1:

It's not too late to change because, although two years feels like you're blinking, it's still two years. You have time. So you have the time to make those changes that will lead to you answering that question in two years of what will your child, what do you want your child to say about you in two years? How do you want them to describe you? So you have time to make that change now. The next question is is what do you want them to say in 15 years? Whatever it is, 15, 20 years, whatever you want, that's where those little moments that you created now, when they were Six, seven years old they're not gonna talk about that maybe, or hopefully, or maybe not, in 15 20 years, but what will they be saying about you in 15 20 years? What do you want them to say about you in 15 20 years? Because that's still something you can start working on now, right, you could.

Speaker 1:

Something that's important for me personally is that they to say that I always gave them the space to be honest and to be open and to tell me what they Really wanted to tell me and to share something with me, knowing that they would not be judged, especially if it's something that is very difficult for them to say to me now. If you think back to what we were saying today, it is something that I am working on right now as a parent, because I'm doing it in little bits and pieces and in terms of them like being able to open up to me and speak to me. So I know I've already done this work, I've answered these questions before, so I know that I want my child in 20 years to say, wow, my mom Always gave us that freedom to speak our minds, but to do it in a respectful way, because you know that's the sort of thing that we have in our home. You, you, you could be mad at somebody, but it doesn't mean you have to disrespect that, disrespect them. So Think about these five questions this week. I don't want to talk any longer. It's already been a couple. You know 20 minutes and I know that I want to keep these solo short, these solos short, but these five questions are really great.

Speaker 1:

Start to Reflective parenting, not just doing and moving forward and and not thinking back to what you did or said, but really taking the time to reflect. We can call it journaling, we can call it reflections, but it's really reflecting, reflecting on how you are parenting, because we can power through the next couple of years and Then regret not having done this because it just takes five minutes. You can take these five questions and answer one every day and you Might have to spend five minutes Maybe writing, maybe ten. If you want, you can record it on your phone. If you don't like writing, you could Make a video of yourself talking about this. You could I don't know, talk to a friend about it, talk to your partner, say it out loud in the shower, whatever you want, but answer these five questions. I'm gonna say them one more time in case you didn't have a chance to hear them before.

Speaker 1:

Pause the podcast right now. If you want to write them down, tag me on Instagram, tag at curious underscore neuron, and Let me know that you are starting your journey in reflective parenting and taking the time to Reflect and think about how you're parenting. So here are the five questions. Okay, no more talking city. Five questions what should I do? What should I be doing more of as a parent? What should I be doing less of as a parent? Which values do I want to instill in my kids? How do I want my kids to describe me in two years and how do I want my kids to describe me in 15 years? I know that you are going to work on this this week because you are listening to this podcast, and I know that you want to grow with your child, and Growing with your child means taking the time to understand yourself a lot more, which is what curious neuron is all about. So thank you for listening to the curious neuron podcast. I hope you have a beautiful and wonderful week and I will see you next Monday. Bye you.