I really messed up last night and I want to share this with you so that you can learn from my mistake.
When we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it can trickle down to our kids. If we don't notice this, then all we see if a child that is "misbehaving" when in reality it is a child that is dysregulated, doesn't feel connected, doesn't feel validated or seen.
When we NOTICE this, it makes it easier for us to switch our own behaviour or thoughts with the goal of changing how it is impacting our child.
In this episode, I share the bedtime story that would might be able to relate to and I share some reflection prompts to help you work through it the next time this happens to you.
If you connect with this episode, please take a moment to rate it or review or. You can also email me to say hello!
THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS! Get some discounts using the links below Thank you to our main supporters the Tanenbaum Open Science Institute at The Neuro and the McConnell Foundation.
I really messed up last night and I want to share this with you so that you can learn from my mistake.
When we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it can trickle down to our kids. If we don't notice this, then all we see if a child that is "misbehaving" when in reality it is a child that is dysregulated, doesn't feel connected, doesn't feel validated or seen.
When we NOTICE this, it makes it easier for us to switch our own behaviour or thoughts with the goal of changing how it is impacting our child.
In this episode, I share the bedtime story that would might be able to relate to and I share some reflection prompts to help you work through it the next time this happens to you.
If you connect with this episode, please take a moment to rate it or review or. You can also email me to say hello!
THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS! Get some discounts using the links below Thank you to our main supporters the Tanenbaum Open Science Institute at The Neuro and the McConnell Foundation.
BetterHelp is the world’s largest therapy service, and it’s 100% online. Click the link below to get 15% off the first month of therapy htt...
Speaker 1:
Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron Podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. Today, I want to talk about a mistake that I made that I think you can learn from, and I want to be open and honest about what I did wrong and how I reflected on this and how I fixed it with my child, because I think that many of us get stuck in this sort of cycle of struggling with our stress and our own emotional coping skills, and it impacts our child, and when I stopped and realized what was happening yesterday, I realized that this might be a good example for all of you. In case you're new to this podcast, please make sure that you are subscribed to the podcast wherever you are listening to it, and if you haven't done so yet, I would love for you to leave a rating and a review. They're really important because this podcast is supported by the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute and the McConnell Foundation, and I submit reviews what's happening with the podcast, who are the guests, and you know what the metrics look like, how many downloads there are and how many people have left ratings and reviews, and that's what allows me to get the funding to get this podcast edited, to put the video up on YouTube and to keep it going. So please take a moment to do that if you want this podcast to continue. It's that important. If you do leave a rating and review, send me a screenshot and I will send you a discount for the reflective parent journal that we have. It's $29.99 on kirstenroncom, but I will give you a $10 discount as a thank you. I think it's really important for us, as parents, to become reflective parents reflective anything actually because the more we take the time to reflect on our emotions and our behaviors and our thoughts, the more we can grow from this and learn from our own actions and behaviors. So that's what's really important to me and that is what supports our emotional and psychological well-being, which is what Curious Neuron is all about.
Speaker 1:
And if you need a little bit of extra support as a parent or as somebody who wants to work on themselves and work on their mental health, then you can click on some of the links in the show notes Go, have a look. There's PocPoc, my kid's favorite game. The reason why I'm including that as a parenting tool is because they are just one of these amazing apps that are open-ended, are easy to play. My kids jump on it all the time. It's guilt-free, you don't have to overthink it because it's so simple. The noises aren't overstimulating, neither is what your child is looking at, so you don't have to worry about that.
Speaker 1:
I'm also working with BetterHelp and I want to make sure that you guys can get support and therapy wherever you are, so from your home, and I think it's important for them to support you in that way. And lastly, you can also get a discount on your Holstee products. There's an amazing poster that's so motivational. There are the greater good cards that I have, either for kids or for adults, that help you have these. You know, work on yourself with these reflection prompts that they also have, so it's just as important to them and it truly works very well with the work that I'm doing. So you can get all these discounts for the products below in the show notes. All right, it's a solo, so you know that I get right to the point, because I don't know how to have small talk with myself, all right. So last night I was really stressed because it's a long weekend and there are lots of family events, but I still have some work to do and workshops that I'm preparing for schools, where I'm supporting teachers specifically with their wellbeing and trying to help them reduce stress. So the workshops are specific around that. By the way, you can always email me at info at kirstenroncom. April and May are completely booked, but there are some spots left in June if you want, or we can start booking for August and September as well.
Speaker 1:
I do give workshops in schools. I talk about child development, but mostly I look at what the child's environment looks like. So in a school, that's a teacher, in a home that's the parents, and how does the environment impact that child, specifically when it comes to their emotional development? And the environment also has to do with how stressed you are as the caregiver in that child's environment. So even in early childhood centers, daycares and preschools. I'm going to be in California at the end of April and I'll be giving a talk there, so I'll put the link in the show notes as well, in case some of you want to. You know are in Palo Alto and want to join me, and I just want to make sure that we start having more of the conversation around the environment a child is in, because I feel that we place a lot of onus and responsibility on the child to develop their emotional skills, their social emotional skills, in school as well, when, in essence, the bigger impact at that age is their environment. So how are adults in their environment modeling emotional coping skills and, you know, coping themselves? So that's what my focus is.
Speaker 1:
So, like I said, I was, you know, starting to get stressed last night because I realized time was running out for this weekend and I hadn't really done a lot of work. So I was getting my kids ready for bed and I was getting. I was impatient, very impatient, and I'll admit to that. I was trying to get them to hurry up. I wanted an earlier bedtime than usual so that I can get some work done at night. And I was being, you know, abrupt, not abrupt, but you know, if my kid was starting to dance in the shower, whatever it was, I was like that's great, let's move on, let's just get this over with. And I was aware that I was speaking this way and I was aware that, you know, I was very impatient, but I wasn't controlling it and I wasn't thinking of the impact. All of a sudden, one child started feeling like, hey, I just said something to you and you didn't notice what I said, or you're not. You're saying yes, but I know that you didn't listen because you didn't respond to it. I didn't notice that part. I was so busy trying to get three kids washed and just before you say my husband should have been there, he was. He was washing the laundry. We were each trying to get things done so that we can have an earlier night. But, all this to say, I wasn't being myself. It dysregulated one of my three kids and I only noticed once. It was too late.
Speaker 1:
And this is what I want to talk about, because I feel that sometimes when we're stressed, you know, we say our kid wants attention or they're whining, but we don't have the capacity. It could be because of stress and thoughts that we're having, like mine. I was thinking of them going to bed so I can get some work done. But it could also be emotional capacity and if we've dealt with a lot that day, whether it's because of our relationship or our mental health or something that happened with a family member or something at work, we tend to, you know, empty our cup and then we come home at night and we might not have anything left to give to our kids and we need to be mindful of that. Our kid needs us. They might, you know, be telling us a joke or story, and you know we're human and we might not really care in that moment, or we might try to pretend that we care, but they can tell, they know.
Speaker 1:
It's exactly what happened to me during bedtime where that child, one of my kids, was telling me a story and I was like mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and I was trying to let it go and I didn't even notice that he asked me a question. I was overwhelmed and I just needed to get some work done that really triggered his emotions and that led to him feeling dysregulated and not about not being safe, but not feeling validated, not feeling connected to me, which is important for him and all my three kids. Before bedtime we forget about that piece, that connection piece. Once he was dysregulated, it was too late. It was just too late and I realized it at that moment. Man, I should have just controlled myself. I should have just gone through bedtime, knowing that whatever time I end up starting to work, it'll be that time and that's okay.
Speaker 1:
But I didn't work on my inner dialogue. I just kept powering through, thinking that if I can just get this done, I'll get extra time and I won't have to do work tomorrow, on Easter Sunday, knowing that we have a lot of family, knowing that we have to visit people and have, you know, lunches and dinners. I was just trying to get things done and my child was just being a child who wanted attention. Not unnecessary attention, not bad, you know attention, just attention. He was talking to me.
Speaker 1:
If I would have been in the same shoes which is what I try to practice, you know, in these situations, whether it's with my kids or my partner or my friends or my family members if I were in, if I would have been in his shoes in that moment last night telling my husband a story where he was like and then I asked him a question, I would have asked him a question and he would have just said I would have been pissed, I really would have. I would have been like, hello, are you listening to me? And that would have triggered me. So all this to say that triggered my child, understandably. But then it wasn't just a moment, because he's young and he's learning how to cope. It's even as an adult.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes it's too late, somebody triggers you and doesn't listen to you or says something that you didn't like, you don't snap out of it within three seconds, and neither did my young child, so he was stuck in it. It was too late, no matter what I said, brush your teeth. He was mad. You know, floss. He was mad. He was ignoring, he was misbehaving because of the fact that I didn't regulate my thoughts and my emotions before that. I want you to know that I'm not sharing this story so that you feel shitty the next time it happens.
Speaker 1:
I felt shitty in that moment, but then I took control because I became very aware of what I had done, rather than saying what a crappy parent I am. Look at what I did, or what's wrong with this child. Why is he not brushing his teeth? Why isn't he flossing? Why isn't he listening? It would have been very easy for me to get stuck in one of those thoughts, but I didn't because I became aware.
Speaker 1:
In that moment, I, you know, through the practice of reflection, I was able to say shoot. You know like I messed up. I snapped out of it for myself, but it was too late and now I had to try to regulate him or at least meet him where he was. He was mad. I apologized. He didn't care at that point and I said, okay, we're just going to get through this night. And I did. I didn't try to fix it, I didn't try to change him, I didn't try to, you know, get mad at him, discipline him. He didn't do anything wrong, necessarily. He just was refusing to get things done because at that point he was like F it, I don't care. This was a moment that he was dysregulated and I couldn't get to him. So I had to get to me and work on me.
Speaker 1:
In the end, the night wasn't that bad. It was a struggle. You know I was about 40 minutes later. You know I sat at my desk about 40 minutes later than I wanted to, but I got through it.
Speaker 1:
And then I reflected even more. I took out my journal and I started writing what could I have done differently that would have impacted my child's behavior? And what I could have done differently was in that moment when I was stuck on that thought of I just need you guys to get to bed, I could have said all right, what am I in control of, what am I not in control of and what do I have influence over? Right, because we often balance it between what am I in control of and what am I not in control of. But there's an in-between, there's the influence, and I could have just said well, while I'm trying to wash one, I could have, you know, organized myself a little bit better rather than trying to power through it, and I could have changed the way that I was responding to my child. I wasn't responding, actually, I was just reacting to whatever he was saying. I was just reacting to every single child saying stop doing that, get your you know, put your socks in the hamper, hurry up You're, you're, you're, you're being slow right now and it's frustrating. I was stuck in my anger, my own anger and my own thoughts. I messed up and that's okay.
Speaker 1:
What I did is I came back, like I said, and I reflected what could I have done differently? I always start with myself and I know that sometimes it's hard, especially if it's in a situation, for example, with your partner or a family member, another adult, basically where you 100% know that they should have done something different. You know they could have said something kinder or been more curious or validated your emotions, sure, but what can you have? What could you have done in that moment? What could you have said differently or thought differently or acted in a different way? Start with you, and then it'll trickle down to those around you, including your kids. I continued to journal about it that night and addressed my own needs, addressed, you know, and all this, by the way, took about three to four minutes and then let it go, showed myself self-compassion and said it was one of those moments you were feeling overwhelmed and stressed and the moment was done.
Speaker 1:
The next morning, when my kids woke up, I apologized, and I apologized for having been overwhelmed with having to work that night. I apologized for not having listened properly to what they were telling me and I asked them to you know, for forgiveness, but like to connect with me. But like to connect with me. I took some time with them, connected with them, read a story and, just you know, connected with them. That's what they want at the end. That's what we want as adults too. If we get in an argument with somebody, we want connection. We want to feel connected to them after that argument is done. Our kids want the same thing, and the moment that was for them in terms of learning.
Speaker 1:
I told them that it was okay to kind of shake me out of it and say hey mom, you're not focusing or hey, mom, you weren't listening to what I was saying In that moment, I would not have gone mad at them. I know that. I know I had to snap out of it when I realized my child was dysregulated, but if they would have helped me in that moment or not, no, I don't expect them to help me. However, I told them that they could have said mom, you're not listening, and I would have been. You know, oh shoot, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. Yeah, I want them to know that we are working together and that we support each other and that when my child was dysregulated, I told him I could have helped you out of it, but it was too late because he was mad at me and it was justifiable.
Speaker 1:
How often do we, as parents, kind of step back and say was my child's behavior misbehavior because of me? Did I create something X amount of minutes ago, or an hour or two ago, or this morning that led to them feeling a certain way and getting stuck in that emotion or feeling dysregulated? Did I not validate their emotions or did I make them feel unsafe? Or were they not feeling seen, which one of those could have possibly contributed to my child behaving this way. One thing I do almost guarantee I don't like saying guarantee, so I'll say almost is when we start noticing our role, then we can have a little bit more influence or control over what we are saying, how we are listening or not listening to our kids and how we are reacting or behaving around them. And the more control we can have over what we are doing or saying, we start to have a little bit more influence not necessarily control, but some influence over a child's emotions and behavior. I hope that this story helps you in the next moment where you might be dysregulated or feeling stressed, overwhelmed or stuck in an emotion from something else, where you might become more aware of the environment that it's creating for your child. When that environment becomes hostile or chaotic or not safe for your child, even if you're not doing anything necessarily that would lead to them not feeling safe, their nervous system can switch to that fight or flight and by us being more aggressive with our terms, our words or our tone, that changes the way that or the how they feel safe in that environment. So if we can become more aware of it, then we have a little bit more influence.
Speaker 1:
And you know, part of all this also, when I was journaling, made me think of the internal family system. So you know, this is a psychotherapy, a model of psychotherapy that was developed by Richard Stewart, and it's designed primarily for premarital or marital couples. But it recognizes that we each contain an internal family or these sort of distinct parts, and that by treating these parts with curiosity, respect and empathy it expands our capacity to heal. And for me, also, feeling very overwhelmed and anxious in certain moments, I've learned to kind of become curious about it rather than feeling guilty about the way that I am. And it doesn't mean we're not changing anything, but I just feel that as a society we're often stuck in thinking about how to completely change, and part of what I do through the reflections is not just about change. You know there's growth and through growth there is change. But through growth I think there's also acceptance.
Speaker 1:
And next week, in next week's episode, I am still over the moon that Dr Kristen Neff is joining me, so I had the opportunity to interview her and she if you don't know who she is is the self-compassion person researcher. She has an amazing book as well Self-Compassion and I had a lovely conversation with her and I think that this ties into that as well. Right, it's that accepting parts of who we are and just being okay with that, and I think that that helps us grow so much. So I hope that this story helps you feel seen, if you've been stuck in these moments, and it's not about the guilt, it's just about the awareness and taking time to reflect and learn and develop the skills that you need to support your child, but, most importantly, the skills that you need to support your emotional and psychological well-being. I hope you all have a lovely and beautiful week this week and I cannot wait to share next week's episode with you. Stay tuned for that.
Speaker 1:
Make sure again that you are subscribed. If you're not, press that button now. Don't forget and send me a rating and review. And come say hi at info at curiousneuroncom. Come say hi on Instagram at curious underscore neuron. On Facebook, there's a Facebook page. Wherever you are. Come see me, come say hi and I will see you next week. Bye.
