I had an interesting conversation with a parent that felt frustrated because parenting felt like a struggle for her while it seemed so easy for her partner. Can you relate?
I thought it would be interesting to break this down and think of a way we could reflect on this.
If you can relate to this, don't miss this quick episode!
THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS! Get some discounts using the links below Thank you to our main supporters the Tanenbaum Open Science Institute at The Neuro and the McConnell Foundation.
I had an interesting conversation with a parent that felt frustrated because parenting felt like a struggle for her while it seemed so easy for her partner. Can you relate?
I thought it would be interesting to break this down and think of a way we could reflect on this.
If you can relate to this, don't miss this quick episode!
THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS! Get some discounts using the links below Thank you to our main supporters the Tanenbaum Open Science Institute at The Neuro and the McConnell Foundation.
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Speaker 1:
Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. I am a mom of three from Montreal, canada, and I have a PhD in neuroscience. My goal is to help nurture your needs and support your well-being, because, guess what? Just because you have a child or kids doesn't mean that that goes away, that those needs disappear, and I'm here to remind you that you matter, if not even more now. So today we are going to talk about something that has come up in one of our reflection calls.
Speaker 1:
So this September I will be launching the Reflective Parent Club, and this membership is built so that you can have a space to think out loud. It's almost like this interactive journal type thing that we're building. We are a bunch of parents that are online. We have each other, we can talk to each other through the membership, but also every single Tuesday we meet together at 12 pm Eastern and at 8 pm Eastern. You choose the one that works best for you and it has given us and I'm saying us because I'm using this space just as much as the parents that are on this and we talk about what's been on our minds or maybe something that happened, or maybe we share something that we, you know a success, anything that we can, you know, kind of share and talk about to support and nurture our wellbeing. It's like we're improving together and we're growing together and becoming resilient together, and it's become such a beautiful space for myself and all of the parents that are part of the pre-launch. If you do want to join in September, make sure that you click the link in the show notes and join the waitlist, because you will be part of a special group that will get a link and a discount, so don't miss out on that.
Speaker 1:
Before we begin, I want to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute, as well as the McConnell Foundation, for supporting the Curious Neuron podcast and, as I said a few weeks ago, they have supported us again. So guess what? In a few weeks we are finishing season six and starting season seven. I can't believe it. In season seven we will hit episode 200 of the Curious Neuron podcast. We are over 600,000 total downloads of the podcast and we just need to keep going. Talk about resilience.
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I have to say thank you to Sadie and Claudia, who have supported the podcast and edited the audio and the video and have helped me through this. I can't do this alone. So thank you, and thank you to you If you have taken a moment to rate the podcast, to review it, if you've subscribed to it, if you download the episodes. All of these things allow me to keep going, and this is one of my favorite things to do is to talk to you because you know, even though I'm here in my basement and some of you now know exactly what that looks like because I've jumped on a call with you I'm here now thinking of the people that I have spoken with, whether it's somebody a mom in France, a mom in Australia, a mom in Japan, in the US, in Canada. It is so amazing to think about who is on the other side of this. So thank you for supporting the podcast.
Speaker 1:
So there was a topic that came up that was really interesting, that I personally have experienced. Have you ever felt that parenting is much easier for your partner and felt a little bit angry or jealous or resentment towards your partner because everything just looked so easy for them and they never need help? Don't worry about it, it's okay, you're not alone. So this has sort of come up with my husband and I where, when I go out on some nights, if I'm meeting a friend, then he's along with three kids to put them to bed. But this happens very often because I work evenings. I homeschool during the day and I work evenings and on Saturdays, and that means that most evenings he is putting the kids to bed on his own.
Speaker 1:
I think that out of everything we have to do and I'm going to include homeschooling in this that putting three kids to bed is the hardest, most challenging thing, because all three are three kids that can thrive through the night. They don't need to go to bed. They have the energy that they need to keep going till 1am. Whenever we have holidays and my husband and his brothers like to play board games, my kids are in there with them. It's midnight, they are there playing Catan and whatever game they're playing. It's 1am, my kids are still there. They're not sleeping yet. They love to stay awake.
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That is not my blood and DNA. I am a sleeper. That's my husband's blood and DNA, and that is something that makes it very difficult for me. When we are approaching nighttime, I have less patience. I am not the parent that I want to be. I go to threats.
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I do the worst that I possibly can at night, because I just want them and I need them to sleep and I don't want them to be tired the next day. And I think about all these things and then I need to get back to my work. But my husband does this On the days that I am there. I lose patience very quickly. But then, on the days that I'm not there, I'm downstairs recording a podcast, I'm doing some work and I hear my husband putting all three to bed and sometimes I go upstairs I always go upstairs actually to say goodnight to the kids, and life is beautiful. And the same thing happens when I leave with my friends. If I'm going out, if I'm going out for dinner.
Speaker 1:
I come home and I'll always say, how was it? And I cringe and I'm like, oh my gosh, how bad was it? And he's like it was fine. Really, are you sure? And even if things were not fine because sometimes I hear about this the next day with my kids that one kid refused to go to bed, or one kid refused to brush their teeth, or one kid didn't want to shower, whatever it is I hear about it the next day. So I know for a fact that it wasn't fine, and so what was interesting to me is that a parent brought this up a mom brought this up in one of our weekly reflection calls, and the way that this parent was kind of interpreting it is that when you know their partner was saying I'm fine, I don't need help, that when they need help it's a bad thing, but it's not. So here's a different perspective. If you are going through this, I really urge you to kind of step back a little bit and take this moment to reflect. Is you know, when your partner says that they're fine or everything was okay?
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And the example that this parent brought up I thought was such an amazing example that you might be able to relate to, actually, where you can think about your partner leaving to go to the park with three kids and they leave with absolutely nothing no water, no snacks, no extra toys, nothing. They just hop and skip their way out of the house with three kids and come back two hours later and everybody's laughing and smiling and nobody's mad. They walk into your house and you're like how was it? And they're like it was great, it was fine, everything went well. But then you do the same thing and first, when you're leaving. You're frantic, right? Where's the extra backpack that you want to bring so you could put some toys for the sand? You got to pick up all the snacks. You bring your water bottles. Which kid likes the purple water bottle? Which kid likes the blue one? Make sure you put ice in it, because the kids love ice in the water water.
Speaker 1:
Meanwhile, the kids are waiting outside and you are going crazy trying to remember everything that you have to bring, and then you walk outside, go to the park with three kids. You come back and you are spent, you are tired, you need to take a break, you need to be away from the kids and you're like what the hell? How did you do it? How did you come home when you did this a couple of weeks ago and everything was fine? I hate you, right. How could it be? And I totally get it. Well, now I said we were going to reflect, okay.
Speaker 1:
So think about in those moments when your partner comes back and says everything went well and everything is fine. How does that make you feel? They haven't said anything about you, they haven't put you down, but is their success? Does that mean that yours is a failure? Right? I say this to my kids. Actually, as I'm saying this out loud, sometimes I'll congratulate one of my kids. Actually, as I'm saying this out loud, sometimes I'll congratulate one of my kids on an assignment that they did with their schoolwork. Or I love your drawing, it's really nice. And then another child, usually the younger one, will say well, what about mine? Isn't mine nice? Isn't it sort of the same? Maybe it's not, I don't know, but in my mind it is the same right now. Right. So our partner having a success in something in parenting, right? Successfully bringing the three kids to the park or successfully putting the three kids to bed, we don't have to be the same. It's not that ours was a failure, it's that ours was a little bit more of a struggle for us. Why, I don't know. But maybe maybe we thrive at something else. Maybe we thrive at I don't know organizing mealtime, thinking of what meals you're going to eat during that week and making sure you have all the right groceries.
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If you put my husband in the kitchen with a recipe, my husband is a person who never, ever, ever, ever, ever shows stress, except when he has a recipe in front of him in the kitchen. If he has to make something. He already knows how to make cereal toast. He's good, he's got it. But if I put a recipe and it says like cut you know, I don't know dice an onion and then put two tablespoons of olive oil in the pan and then brown your meat and add a tablespoon of tomato sauce, tomato paste, whatever it is, he'll start to panic and the recipe that says it takes 20 minutes will take two hours. It's a true story. By the way, this has already happened. So, anthony, if you're listening to this, odds are you're not, but if you are, this has happened. I'm not making this up.
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But all this to say you know, we all have things that we are stronger at and things that we are working on. It's not that we're bad at it, it's not that it's a failure. So what if we were to switch that mindset to? Being alone with the kids or going to the park is a struggle for me. It is something that I am working on, right, this positive mindset. And what if we were to say what can I learn from my partner? Because it seems that it's easy for them? Rather than feeling resentment and anger and frustration and disappointment for whatever reasons because it's easier for them, why not say I've noticed, it's really easy for you. What am I doing? What am I doing?
Speaker 1:
That's leading to me feeling like this is a really heavy, heavy undertaking and a big task for me to leave the house with three kids, and then maybe you'll have a discussion around it, an open discussion, where your partner might say well, you bring three bags of things with you, which I'm sure is a true story In my situation. It is anyways right, like, instead of spending 10 minutes frantically looking for different snacks and making sure you have the right water bottle, bring one, bring one, don't bring the toys. They'll figure it out. But maybe, which is my case, maybe we're panicking and trying to overthink and overprepare and make sure that we have everything which is leading to us being at the activity already stressed, already in a dysregulated mood, and now that our system is dysregulated, guess what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what our kids say or what happens. Everything is a burden because we are dysregulated.
Speaker 1:
So what if we were to leave the house? What if we were to start there as a baby step and change what that looks like, what the departure from home looks like? I absolutely. The one thing that comes to mind is my mother-in-law. I love her. She's amazing. If my sister-in-laws are listening to this, you know exactly what I'm about to talk about. Maybe with her leaving the house.
Speaker 1:
Whenever I met my in-laws, or was when I was younger whenever my mother-in-law leaves the house, she will come back at least twice. So she will leave the house and say, okay, bye, I'm going to the groceries or whatever. And then we'll hear the door open. Did anybody see my keys? I can't find my keys. They're not in my purse. And then she'll leave and you'll hear the door close. And then 20 seconds pass. Guys, hello, has anybody seen my sunglasses? Sunglasses, I thought they were in the car. They're not there. Okay, can somebody help me find my sunglasses? Oh, found them. They're here by the stairs, okay, bye. And then the door closes. And then maybe there's something else and she comes back, but at least two times, and I just think that maybe that's a good starting place for some of us, including myself. I'm putting myself in this boat. Join me on this boat.
Speaker 1:
It's okay if we have things that we are working on, but let's not turn that towards our partners. If they haven't told us anything negative, if they haven't highlighted why is it so hard for you and so easy for me in a way that is condescending and shaming. If they have, that's a different story and that needs to be addressed with boundaries and perhaps realigning with your values. But if it hasn't been brought up, if you haven't been shamed or put down for it, but you are doing that on your own, then hey, there's some room for improvement and we can work on this together. So make sure that you take a moment to think about what that looks like for you.
Speaker 1:
Maybe have a discussion with your partner and then step back and think about am I leaving with an already dysregulated nervous system? And if you are, how can you leave with a less, less dysregulated nervous system? Or are you going into this with a mindset of failure? This is going to be the worst. I'm leaving with my three kids. We're going to the park, and I know that every time we have to leave the park, so-and-so cries. This child cries. This child has a tantrum, this child's disappointed. I've done this myself too. So what if we were to change the mindset? But the only way you'll know where to start the work. What I'm telling you now might not be the change for you, but if you take the time to step back and question and get curious and reflect on what that situation looks like for you, maybe you'll be able to pinpoint where you can work. You know, start the work. If it's leaving can work. You know, start the work If it's leaving, if it's at the place, if it's mindset, if it's your triggers, if it's whatever it is, I don't know. I don't know you. I'd like to, but you have to do that work. No one else can.
Speaker 1:
And, most importantly, in those moments where you are struggling mentally, in the moment when you tell your kids it's time to go home and that one child has their big meltdown and doesn't want to leave because the park is a fun place to be, then start with your inner voice and your self-compassion. Being with three kids is not easy. Being with two kids is not easy. Being with one kid is not easy. Start with yourself. Say that one thing in your mind that's going to remind you that you have to be there for you. Maybe it's a positive affirmation that works for you, maybe it's a okay, cindy, you've got this. We can do this. Let me be there for my child and co-regulate with them and show them the calm so that this moment can pass a little bit faster. Whatever it is that you need remember to start with you, because when you start with you it makes it much easier to show up for your child and they feel that you know my kids were listening to I don't even know if these episodes are still playing, but we saw it on what is it?
Speaker 1:
Disney plus um Caesar Milan, which is that um dog whisper person, and so one of my kids is working on a fear of dogs. He's getting much, much better. But I saw this show and I was like, hey, you know what? It might be a good idea to sort of understand dogs a little bit more through the show. I remember watching the show a long time ago and so I played the episode of Cesar Millan and by the end of the episode my son was like, oh, dogs are kind of like us. They look towards their parents for like comfort. And I was like what, right?
Speaker 1:
And there was a sentence or something that Cesar Milan said in the show where he said something about the energy of the, the dog owner, when they're holding the leash, if they are not feeling confident. So if another dog is approaching and they suddenly feel scared that their dog is going to start screaming or barking at the other dog. That energy kind of comes through the leash to the dog or whatever it is. But all this to say? He was saying that when your leader is not strong, all this to say he was saying that when your leader is not strong, it's very hard to kind of keep your dog calm. There's a truth in that with parenting right.
Speaker 1:
So if we are struggling in that moment, if coming back home is hard, is it the confidence part? Are we not sure about what to say or how to approach it? There's so much. And we're going to tackle confidence. We did before in a self-efficacy episode and we're going to. We're going to tackle confidence. We did before in a self-efficacy episode and we're going to do it again in a couple episodes, because I've been hearing that from parents in the membership and I want to make sure that we address it here.
Speaker 1:
And so, my dear friend, that is all that I have for you today. So take the time to reflect on if this is a situation that you thought you were alone and now you realize you're not alone, we all have experienced some sort of version of this. Just take the time to sit back and reflect, pause and think about what makes those situations for you if you are with your kids or your child much harder, and if it's easy for your partner have a conversation with them. We can learn from each other. We won't tell each other, we don't want to admit it. I don't want to tell my partner. I'm trying to learn from him. He's going to throw it back at me one day. No, no, no, but silently. I'm trying to learn from him and I know that he's a very simple human and I am not. So we can learn a few things.
