Curious Neuron

The science of happiness with Stephanie Harrison, author of the New Happy

September 02, 2024 • Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 7 • Episode 1

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Curious about finding real happiness even in life's chaos? In this episode of the Curious Neuron podcast, we explore what happiness truly means, with insights from Stephanie Harrison, author of New Happy. She shares simple ways to bring joy into your life through small, meaningful actions.

We also challenge the idea that you have to go it alone and talk about the importance of community and support systems. Learn how gratitude and kindness can improve your relationships and well-being. Plus, we introduce the Reflective Parent Club, where you can join weekly sessions to connect with guests like Stephanie for practical tips on personal growth and parenting.

This episode offers personal stories and practical advice to help you find happiness by embracing the present moment with love and compassion, both for yourself and your children. Don’t miss this chance to redefine happiness and build a more connected, compassionate life.

Purchase the New Happy book:

In Canada: https://amzn.to/47hmvYE
In the US:  here

Follow the New Happy:
https://www.instagram.com/newhappyco/

LEARN MORE:

Science article "Helping and Happiness: A Review and Guide for Public Policy" 


REFLECTION PROMPT:
What is one small change I can make this week to boost my feeling of happiness?


Download our FREE 40-page parental well-being workbook

Get your FREE 40-page well-being workbook:
https://tremendous-hustler-7333.ck.page/reflectiveparentstarterkit

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome to the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. I am a mom of three from Montreal with a PhD in neuroscience, and my goal is to help parents feel seen and feel less alone in their journey, and I have a bit of a different take on parenting. Here at Curious Neuron, I share evidence-based parenting advice, so I find articles online that I think would be relevant to you, to supporting the development and growth of your child, specifically around emotions. But then I also believe that there has to be this holistic approach to parenting, where you are also nurtured, and so personal growth and well-being are a big part of Curious Neuron, and that is what I want to share with you. This season, I will be bringing in guests that talk about all of these aspects, from parenting to well-being and personal growth, to help you feel more confident and feel more resilient and feel like you've got everything under control, even when things are not, because that's what's part of parenting. Thank you to all of you for listening to the podcast, downloading it, subscribing to it. This is what has allowed today to happen.

Speaker 1:

Season seven has officially begun, and I could not be happier with the interview that we have today for you. Stephanie Harrison is the founder of the New Happy and she has an amazing book out called New Happy. We're going to share some tips from this book and I will share a part in a second that I love. First, I have to thank the two organizations that support the podcast, that allow this podcast to continue. So thank you to the McConnell Foundation for supporting the podcast and to the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute here at the Neuro in Montreal. Without you, this would not be possible, and thank you to you, the listener, for listening to this podcast.

Speaker 1:

If you do have a moment this week and you enjoy the podcast, share it with a friend. There's a way to share episodes. There are three dots somewhere, or like a little sharing icon. Share it on social media on Facebook, on Instagram, twitter, whatever you use as social media and if you are not on social media, email it to a friend or text it to a friend. That would really help me get the word out in terms of the podcast and as we grow the audience, we get to reach out to people. That can help us. That wouldn't listen to me without numbers. Unfortunately, metrics are a big part of it.

Speaker 1:

So today we are talking to Stephanie Harrison I will put the link to her book in the show notes and one thing that I wanted to share. We had such an amazing conversation about what her kind of definition is around, what the old happy is and what the new happy is, and one take home that I personally have from her book is, I think, that we kind of search for happiness or wait for happiness. Right, this pursuit of happiness, right, that's endless really. I will wait for more money at work and then I'll be happy. I will wait to get that bigger home or bigger car or better car whatever it is to be happy. I will wait to get that bigger home or bigger car or better car, whatever it is to be happy. I will wait for something to happen to me and then I will be happy. I will lose the weight and then I will be happy.

Speaker 1:

But it's not just about what happens to us. There's a big part of happiness and there's a lot of research that supports this that has to do with what we do and say to others, and I think that we forget about that part Saying thank you to somebody and seeing them smile, reaching out to somebody that we know needs a little bit of support and saying, hey, you want to have a coffee today? Or let's have a conversation today. How are you feeling? Or doing some sort of little gesture maybe baking some cookies for a neighbor, reaching out to an elderly person that we know that might feel alone, very small gestures that make someone else happy, that guess what In return, make us feel happy. Let's not wait for something to happen to us. Let's create our own happiness. That is my personal take home from her book.

Speaker 1:

I'm excited to share that, as of next week, we will be launching the Reflective Parent Club. This is the Curious Neuron membership that takes everything we do another step, one more step further. It's not just about passively listening to what I do. It's about implementing it and practicing it. I am there with you every single week. We meet on Tuesdays at 12 pm Eastern and then at 8 pm Eastern. You join the meeting that you want, or both if you want. But what we do as a community is we keep ourselves accountable and we meet every week. We talk about what's been on our mind. We learn about a little, something new that will support the way that we parent our child and support us as humans that are struggling as parents, because it's not easy.

Speaker 1:

This holistic approach to parenting is what I'm focusing on a lot more and giving you that personal experience through the membership. And so we are launching in just one week, and not only do we have weekly calls, I bring in a special guest every single month to have conversations with you. It's not these are not courses or videos that I post in the membership. I show up myself or with somebody so that you get access to these people, and Stephanie Harrison will be our special guest in October. So if you enjoy this episode, if you enjoy the new happy and already follow her online, or if you read the book and you're like I have so many questions, then join the membership, because at the end of October we will be chatting with Stephanie Harrison. She will give us some reflection prompts that we can work on and then you get the opportunity to ask her your questions, and that is part of the Reflective Parent Club.

Speaker 1:

I help you reflect on various parts of your lives, whether it's your personal growth, your relationship with your child and how you parent them, or adult relationships in your life or your work-life balance. That is what it's all about. So I hope to see you at the launch of the Reflective Parent Club and I hope you're on the waitlist. The link is in the show notes. You will be getting, if you are on the waitlist, a special discount code one time only, just for the launch, and you need to be on that list. Get the free workbook that I've created for you in the show notes. It's a 40-page workbook, just for you. All right, I don't want to keep you waiting. Please enjoy my conversation with Stephanie Harrison. Stephanie Harrison, welcome to the Curious Neuron podcast.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so grateful to be here with you.

Speaker 1:

I have been following your work for a little while now and when I saw that you had a book out first, I was looking forward to the graphics that you just you bring happiness through your graphics and your images. I love trying to figure out OK, like this is what she's saying. That makes a lot of sense and you just kind of have helped me in some moments to reflect, and that's part of what we do here at Curious Neuron. So thank you for everything that you've done and congratulations on the new happy book. It's a big one and it's a beautiful book and we're going to go through it today.

Speaker 2:

Thank you. That's so lovely of you and it means a lot that you find something of value.

Speaker 1:

This came about? You know, we do focus here at Cure Sterling, we focus on parental well-being and what you do fits very well. So how did you come about? You know, focusing on trying to help people with this new happy that you talk about.

Speaker 2:

You know, it really started with my own unhappiness and the challenge that I experienced in my life with trying to achieve this goal that mattered so much to me.

Speaker 2:

You know, I wanted to be happy and eventually I realized that I had no idea how to do it.

Speaker 2:

And it took me a series of events to actually come to face that realization, where I had sort of structured my life in this pursuit of achievement and of, you know, personal gratification and of trying to be the best and all of these very kind of shallow achievement-oriented values.

Speaker 2:

And I looked around at my life and I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working, because that was what I had been told would make me happy. And ultimately that's what sparked my desire to want to understand happiness from a more accurate perspective. And around the same time, the field of positive psychology was starting to grow and I realized that there were people out there who are devoting themselves to applying the scientific method to these questions. And then, combined with my you know, passion for wisdom that comes from other sources, whether that's, you know, like spiritual or religious wisdom, or wisdom that comes from art and literature, it became this very powerful venue for me to investigate these questions of what happiness was you know, with the motivation at first to help me to figure it out, and then eventually I realized that perhaps there were other people out there who might benefit from learning this too and I could save them some pain that I had experienced and hopefully give them the tools that I had to go on this very long journey to find.

Speaker 1:

Clearly many people connected with the work that you did because you're almost at a million followers online and on Instagram and I'm one of those that connected with the work that you're doing and I think it's important to kind of highlight that. Sometimes people see others you know talking about whether it's happiness or parenting. I see that a lot in the field that I'm in and they think we have it all together right. We have, we've figured out the right formula and I never yell at my kids.

Speaker 1:

It's not true, we're always happy and that we never really face any difficulties or adversities, you know, and that we just kind of power through. And you know, your book reminded me, especially at the beginning of you know, we've all experienced something, as you did as well, and it's through that that you've learned what the definition for you is and how you can move forward with that.

Speaker 2:

It's so true. Yeah, the experience that you describe of. Really, it's such an interesting juxtaposition because when I started the New Happy after I left grad school, it was to provide this information that I had learned and try and communicate this philosophy that I was in the process of developing. And then, at the same time, I was going through this period of incredible difficulty in my personal life where my partner had suddenly fallen ill with this illness. We had no idea what it was, no doctors could help us and he was declining and we were essentially scrambling trying to save him with this illness. We had no idea what it was, no doctors could help us and he was declining and we were essentially scrambling trying to save him.

Speaker 2:

And it went on for years and years and years. And at the same time, I was building this platform that was devoted to happiness. And it's so interesting because, to your point, I do think that there, until the book, I had never publicly shared what we were going through, and I think that there likely were people who potentially thought oh you know, stephanie has it all figured out and has like no problems or whatever, and I think that my hope in sharing this story is to show that happiness is possible even when you're going through something hard.

Speaker 2:

You can still have a happy life without having the conditions of your life being perfect or even what you imagine or want them to be. You can still experience that joy, and it might look different from what you imagine it to look like, but that's the whole point. We need a radical reimagining of the concept of happiness in order to have it work for us, and that shift, I think, allows us to embrace all of our experiences and to learn from them and to grow from them in a profound way. So, like you just did, I'm the first to say I get sad all the time, I struggle, I experience difficult emotions, I have challenges that I'm navigating, and I can also still experience a lot of happiness because I have a completely different perspective on it, and that's important to say that as well.

Speaker 1:

Right, that it doesn't mean that we don't have periods that are difficult or that we don't have any of these uncomfortable emotions. We still experience that and yet, you know, there still are moments that we can power through and then find that happiness in those moments that you talk about in your book. I think it's important that we're all on the same page for this. Can you kind of contrast, like what the old happy is versus what the new happy is? You've kind of touched on this a little bit when you spoke about we kind of look towards other things. We think about like if I get this next degree, I'll be happier, if I get the better car, I'll be happier than a different house, or, you know, I feel like we always look towards the next step in the future. So how do you define old versus new?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so old happy is my term for how we have been taught to define happiness by our society, and it's also enforced by the culture that we've created surrounding it and then the institutions that incentivize it and drive us to pursue it.

Speaker 2:

So the idea of a definition of happiness is really really important, because the goal of being happy is the most important one in our lives.

Speaker 2:

Everybody wants to experience that.

Speaker 2:

It's sort of this superordinate goal that drives so much of what we do, and so whatever you've been told will make you happy becomes the thing that you do, because you think, okay, this will lead to the experience of happiness that I'm looking for more and more, because achievement is what separates people who are good from people who are bad, people who deserve acclaim and success and fame and stability and the ability to pay their bills and a whole host of other things, and those who do not, and that you have to do it all alone because, at the end of the day, you're separate from other people.

Speaker 2:

So it's really grounded around these values of perfection, superiority, achievement at the expense of others, and of separation and of hyper independence. That's really driven by our individualistic society, and so these are the messages that I received growing up about happiness and I don't have, for example, you know, like memories of somebody sitting me down and saying you have to be perfect, right. But I have millions of messages that I've consumed over the years that have led me to believe that if I can just look a certain way, if I can improve the way that others see me, if I can please somebody who I find really important in my life, if I can, you know, lose weight, if I can be the best at my job, like whatever, it is there's this endless list of things that we have to do and ultimately, all this does this pursuit of old happy.

Speaker 2:

it doesn't make us happy and it makes us miserable. It actively moves us away from what we want.

Speaker 2:

It makes us miserable it actively moves us away from what we want. So the shift that I propose is that, essentially, the secret to happiness is quite simple Discover that you are good. You are innately good. You have these beautiful gifts inside of you, these wonderful things that, when you follow them and pursue them, help you to grow and expand that goodness. And, because we're all connected, to do it in service of other people, because, ultimately, we're here to help each other, and it's through helping, through giving and receiving, that we are able to experience the happiness that we're longing for.

Speaker 1:

I think that every person needs to hear this definition that you have, because you're right. You know, I'm on this mission this summer to speak with 100 parents and I'm at about 45 now and every single parent has had some version of this where they are struggling with their happiness, especially new parents, where there's a shift now in who they are and what their life looks like. And you know, one thing that you talk about is like discovering who you really are in your book, and that made me think about these parents that I'm speaking with, where they're saying things like I need to build the new you. But I don't think it's about you know a new version of you. It's just about discovering what this shifted or you know different version of you is now that you're a parent.

Speaker 1:

What if a parent hears this, or a person hears this and says that's great, I agree with you, but that's a lot of patterns that I need to break right. Like we think about you mentioned, like even things from our childhood. We might not be able to place that conversation, but we've had the experiences that have told us this is what and I'm not happy. If I don't provide for my child in a certain way, then I won't be happy until I can. And then we get stuck in these patterns, these old patterns, because of the old happy. How do we start the work? Especially now, let's talk about discovering who we are Like. What does that look?

Speaker 2:

like it's such a profound question and I think that that impulse of, oh, I have to be the new me and it's kind of interesting because in a way I sort of see narratives like that and I see a lot of that on social media Like I sometimes see that as a way that old happy like sneaks in and tries to masquerade as new happy and it's really sneaky.

Speaker 2:

It's really really sneaky. So we have to be careful about this, because you are always changing. You are never, ever done, you're never finished, you're never going to be this perfect version of yourself. I am never going to have my life all together, I'm never going to be on top of my to-do list, I'm never going to be fully embodying my values, I'm never going to be helping in the ways that I feel capable of, in all of the ways, or of being the very best quote version of me and that's okay, like that is totally okay.

Speaker 2:

You don't have to be a better you, because this context of better is really more about superiority. And I think that the more that we question that and start to peel back those layers, the easier it becomes to say well, there's another way of being and pursuing this, because parents are under so much pain and burnout for parents and that pressure you're putting on yourself. If you could relieve that, even if you just like humor us for you know 20 minutes, and just put it aside for 20 minutes or so. Instead, you offered endless compassion to yourself for the person you are right now, in this moment and then you tried to offer compassion and love and support to your child in the ways that are available to you.

Speaker 2:

That's enough. That's really all you need to do.

Speaker 2:

And then you just when you pick it back up like this is what I do when I noticed that I picked old happy back up and I still do it and I still catch myself I go, okay, I have to put that down again and like, eventually, after you know you do it a million times, you start to realize like life is better when I'm not carrying this burden. And so ultimately it just comes down to like can you meet yourself with love in this moment and can you meet your children with love in whatever ways you have available and accessible to you? And then can you ask for love from others to support you. And I think, if we can ground ourselves in that, this quest for a better version of ourselves becomes almost irrelevant because, because we're more focused on the process of being I love this so much.

Speaker 1:

I'm thinking of questions as you're talking.

Speaker 1:

I know I have certain questions I want to ask you and I want to be mindful of the time as well.

Speaker 1:

I knew this was going to be hard. You know, I think one of the take-homes for me I had a few take-homes, but one of them is that it's clear and we don't talk about this enough by being kind to ourselves and being kind to others and compassionate to others and opening up that space to kind of help people, I think that brings us happiness and we forget to say this, or we don't say it enough, that when you support somebody else and you help them, even in the little gestures that you've mentioned in the book, that when you support somebody else and you help them, even in the little gestures that you've mentioned in the book, you know in different parts of your life that you feel good about that. And again, I think we're so focused on how we can change our lives and make things better somehow that we forget that there are little things we can do that make us feel happy in that moment, and that's being kind to others, like you said.

Speaker 2:

It's the most important thing, like I'm confident in saying that I am great, completely confident in saying that the most important thing in the whole entire world is that we help each other like nothing else at the end of the day matters.

Speaker 2:

And right. We have conned ourselves into believing that we do things alone or that we have to be hyper independent. We should never ask for help, we should never struggle Gosh like, no wonder we're struggling, no wonder, collectively, we're having such a tough time and we can't seem to cope with the challenges that we're facing as individuals and as a society. Because if we could just recognize that of course you need people, and we built a world where we're pretending that you don't, and then we've ripped away support systems from people. So of course it's going to be really hard, and I think that I can absolutely correlate my own happiness with how other focused I'm being, and so many people hear this and they think that I'm asking them to give up themselves, and this is another way that happy sneaks in and is a prominent incorrect in my opinion discourse that's online.

Speaker 2:

It couldn't be, further from the truth, because when I help people, I get to become more of who I am, I get to grow, I get to learn, I get to connect with somebody and I'm not giving up myself at all. I'm giving up myself, and there's a very, very big difference. And so, especially as a parent or you know, I'm not a parent, but I have been a caregiver I'm not a parent, but I have been a caregiver so I understand about the unique challenges and opportunities of these roles that we play for each other, and what I want to be very clear is that this isn't about self-sacrifice in any way this is about self-expansion and of contributing and of feeling more alive and more joyful, and the more that we can do that, the better.

Speaker 2:

And in order to do that, you need help too. No one's saying you don't need help and I don't know about you, but I've never met somebody who is like no, I don't want more help from people.

Speaker 1:

It's true. But then, because of that self-sacrificing piece that you've mentioned, I think, whether we're a parent or not, like when people offer help, sometimes we're like, no, it's okay, I've got this. But in your head you're like I want the help. But then why is my mouth saying no and my head is saying yes, right, because again it's like I need to do it all on my own to feel proud that I did on my own. But why? Why?

Speaker 2:

Because that's what's valued, that's what's good, that's what gets rewarded. So, if we think about these structures in our society, who do we hold up as heroes? We tend to hold up rich businessmen, who usually come from money and then they use that money to make more money, and then we hold them up as these individualistic heroes who are like changing the world or something like that Right, true money. And then we hold them up as these individualistic heroes who are like changing the world or something like that Right, true, right. And it's all about how they do it alone. You never hear about, you know, their chief of staff or their executive assistant, or the long suffering VP who worked with them, who actually made the transformation of the company happen.

Speaker 1:

Right, it's all about.

Speaker 2:

X, y, Z business. We hold up these people and we celebrate them as the beacons of society, of humanity, and meanwhile we ignore the people who are on the ground, with others showing up for them day in and day out, helping them Teachers, nurses, people who work in communities, people who work in mutual aid, people who work in therapy and social work, people who show up for people that they love when they're having a hard time. Those are the people who are heroes, because they are recognizing our interconnectedness and our care for one another. And so all of this focus, this way in which we elevate people, becomes incredibly toxic to us. Elevate people becomes incredibly toxic to us and ultimately, whether we know it or not, we're subconsciously striving for that sense of elevation of saying like, look how great I am.

Speaker 1:

I did it alone. But, right, that's not what greatness is. Or look at, look at how much money I have, right, like I noticed during the pandemic, this huge rise in people talking about how much they've made, millions of dollars through, like being on YouTube or social media. And look at the life I've created, my you know, for myself, and then they launch a course and then they make more millions. They make because people are like I want. I want the money you have and the life you have, and and that's what would bring me happiness. And it's funny because I spoke to a friend of mine who has a high position in a company and they were like people that have these high positions are not necessarily happy. We look at, like this money as if, like, once I have that amount, I'll be, happy, but it's not about that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm so happy you brought that up, yeah yeah such a good point us.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know. One other thing that you just mentioned now is the connection, and I'm really grateful that I get to speak to these parents, because I see the themes and most of the themes they speak about are in your book, and connection is another one. Coming out of the pandemic, or even during, obviously, there was a huge disconnect. So, whether you're a parent or not, many people felt disconnected from their family members, from their friends, and then we came out of this difficult period and now people are still feeling disconnected from the parents that I've spoken with. Yeah, where do you begin the work? Because you know, some parents that I've spoken with say well, even if I spend time with a friend or a family member, I'm so disconnected from myself that I struggle with connecting with them in that moment, and then something's lacking and their well-being is impacted. So if somebody's listening to this saying, I've felt that where do we begin the work?

Speaker 2:

It makes so much sense that someone would be feeling this way, and I think that the key here, the shift that's so powerful and has so many implications, is in refusing to see yourself as separate from other people and determining to see the ways in which you are connected to others, and I'm not saying that this is something like a switch that you can turn overnight.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes it can be but it's a level of awareness that fundamentally changes your worldview. Like, let me give you an example. So I often will post on the New Happy, obviously, about the importance of leaning on people and asking for help and of giving help right. It's sort of the core message, and every time that I do, I get comments from people saying or you can just do it for yourself. So, for example, today I posted about how we need other people to believe in us when we feel discouraged, and people always comment on this post and say, like you can do this for yourself. Yes, you can.

Speaker 2:

No one is denying, however and you would know this better than anyone, know this better than anyone what we have again just kind of decided to ignore, pretend doesn't exist, is that we are built by our interactions with other people. As children, where do we get our self-esteem from? From the way our parents treat us. How do we learn that we're worthy of respect? From the way our parents and our friends and our peers and our teachers treat us. How do we feel confident to apply for a big job or to break up with our boyfriend who's being cruel to us, or to do anything that's scary? We lean on other people. We learn from their experiences, we tap into their wisdom to make it more effective. And again, it's like we just are determined to ignore that and instead to pretend that people do things alone. And while it might sound a little radical, the perspective that I take is that no one does a single thing in this life alone, like not one. Obviously, the only way that I'm alive talking to you right now is because I had people who took care of me when I was unable to care for myself and allowed me to grow up into somebody who could be here talking to you today. The only reason that we're able to have this conversation is because there are people who built the internet and who created a system where you and I can be on video chat talking, and created Instagram where you could message me and ask me to come on. This call right.

Speaker 2:

And once you start to see it in that way, it becomes so laughable to even imagine that you're alone, and you start to see all of the ways in which people are out there helping you, and maybe not in the ways that you thought that they were helping you, but they're there regardless. And again, I hear from people all the time who say like I don't have anyone to be there to believe in me. And my response to them is always well, I'm here, you know, I'm making art for you because I believe in you and even though I don't know you, I'm still here trying to support you. And my hope is that maybe just that minute of engaging with that work will maybe help you in some way and then you'll walk away feeling changed or at least knowing that somebody out there gets you and is rooting for you.

Speaker 2:

And if we are determined to see ourselves as separate, then, no matter what type of connection we do, it'll never be enough. But if we are determined to see ourselves as connected, then every interaction, every single connection becomes a chance to re-remember that you're not alone. There are people out there who love you and care about you and help you in ways that are seen and unseen, and the more that we can notice them and pay attention to them, the more connected we feel both to ourselves and to others I think that's lovely and wonderful and exactly what people need to hear, because you know, you and I and so many other people are creating these communities because we care we genuinely care about the person on the other end, we wouldn't be doing this.

Speaker 1:

It's time consuming, but it's hard because nobody talks about the time.

Speaker 1:

You know, I did this when I was, when I had very young kids, babies, and I just wanted to put the science out there and I was doing this on my own. And now, like you know, I have three people, but like they're all, they have little parts, but we do this, we all do this because we care so much about the other person and it's just nice knowing that, like you know, there are people creating this because they care. You brought up that sense of community and that's exactly why community is so important.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no one is supposed to do this alone, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, and you know. Of course, there are all these broader forces that I talk about in my book, like the influence of capitalism and how it forces us to deprioritize connection in favor of working harder, and all of these challenges that have an impact, but we're the ones who make the systems that we're a part of. We're the ones who get to fight back against them or to create new options or to provide other opportunities for people to feel connected.

Speaker 2:

And the more that we can do that for each other and again, in whatever ways are accessible for you. That's totally enough, and you don't have to be perfect at this. It's just about showing up as you can. No-transcript. I do feel like we're moving in that direction. I do feel optimistic you know about the focus that we have upon community and being there for each other.

Speaker 1:

Right. I think there is a big shift towards that. It's getting there and we know that we need a community and we've been alone for a long time. Parents feel lonely, people feel lonely and we need to kind of get back into that sense of community and see how important the impact that it has on us as well.

Speaker 1:

You know we've kind of touched on the three lies that you mentioned. I just want to reiterate them for everybody you mentioned. You know you're not on your own. You'll be happy when we kind of touched on that before. But the third lie was interesting to me because again, this is something I hear quite often You're not enough. And it's almost like it's part of our internal dialogue. Sometimes, you know, especially navigating these new lives whether it's a new job where people just feel like I'll never be enough, or becoming a new parent and not feeling like you're enough, becoming a new spouse and saying maybe I'm not enough for this. You know, I just need to keep learning and being better that sort of internal dialogue puts a lot of pressure, like we don't feel happy because we're always. Again, it's that pursuit of happiness. What would you have to kind of share with somebody who feels like they're not enough?

Speaker 2:

First thing that you need to know is that that's not you in your head. You know that's old happy. So if you can start labeling that voice as nope, that's old happy showing up, just start describing it and naming it. It gives you so much freedom because you start to be able to see oh, like I picked that one up from my parents. Or oh, I got that one from the women's magazines.

Speaker 1:

Or oh, I got that one from my boss at work.

Speaker 2:

Right, like you, start to identify these sources and then, once you have that awareness, you can decide do I want to live by this incredibly restrictive and oppressive sense of requirements about how I'm supposed to be, or do I want to just be who I am and allow myself to be a human being? And that shift takes time, but it also is something that you can start doing right now, and one way that I found helpful to communicate this idea is for people to see that this is a quest for dominance in our society. So, as I mentioned, people who are perfect or who are close to perfect as possible. They are celebrated and elevated by our culture and they are placed above other people as more worthy and more valuable. So we can see this, for example, in the way that society treats people in marginalized groups, people with disabilities, people who don't fit the quote norm of what's supposed to be, and the further away you are from perfect, the less valuable you are. So we're all clambering, trying to get as close to perfect as possible, because in many ways, it ends up leading to our safety, our sense of self, our ability to provide for ourselves and our family, and all of these terrible things that should never be contingent upon how you perform or adhere to a sense of norm.

Speaker 2:

And so when people start to see that the quest for perfection, which is often framed as like a moral undertaking or something that is positively valued, can become instantly shifted in your head, it takes on that more negative valence of oh, like, I'm not trying to be the best for myself, I'm trying to be the best to beat others, and most people don't want that.

Speaker 2:

Most people really don't deep down want to oppress other people. I really believe that they just think that that's the route to getting what they really want, which is the things that they think will make them happy, and it trickles back to happiness. So if you can see that actually happiness comes from just accepting yourself right now and you could literally let go of this and experience joy right now just by accepting yourself. You don't have to spend 20 years pushing yourself to be this form of perfect or affording other people to do it. Most people will take that odd right. Most people at least try it and then you start to have those experiences of oh, I can love myself as I am, I can accept myself as I am and I'm enough, and the more that we can do that, the more it becomes the habit and a pattern.

Speaker 1:

I wish the 15 year old Cindy would have known this or heard this, right, and 15 year old Stephanie too, right, I think, of teenagers, and I think that they need to hear this because I don't know, I'm 41 now and I would say, like up until my mid-ish 30s, I not with everyone, but with some people you try to be the version of the person you think they want you to be, right. So if it's a person that's more outgoing, sure I'll be outgoing because I know that's what you like. I want to be friends with you. And if you are this kind of person and you want me to be, I don't know, whatever I'll be. That's, that's me and I'm enough and I don't have to be 10 different versions of Cindy and especially when we're teens.

Speaker 1:

It's hard.

Speaker 2:

We all need to hear our 15 year olds if only we could go back in time, right, I know well you know we can help this generation.

Speaker 1:

well, yeah, that's what I was just gonna say. I think what's nice is for us parents to read your book and then try to, you know, shift these patterns, and I've written this down. You've said a few times like how is the old happy sneaking in? I think that's such a good phrase for us to just keep bringing up in our minds, right, because we might not notice it and awareness is the hardest part but the most important part. So if we could just keep saying, like how is the old happy sneaking in, we can start noticing those little moments where our thoughts shift or the ideas shift in our mind, and then we could kind of pass this on to our kids as we shift towards that new happy and realize that acts of kindness, moments of gratitude, moments of connection, and see that that makes a difference for us.

Speaker 1:

I've done this with my kids. I ask them every single night what their highlight of their day was, and for me, that's just my way of showing them that, because one of my kids would often say well, my brother didn't share his toys with me. I have three kids, so he would say my brother didn't share his toys with me.

Speaker 2:

I have three kids.

Speaker 1:

So he would say my brother didn't share his truck with me today, so it was a really bad day and I was like well, that was a moment.

Speaker 1:

That was a challenging moment. And how did you get past that challenging moment? It's like, well, you know, we got into an argument and then he shared and then everything was okay, that's great. But what was? And so this has been, you know, a habit that we've had for years now, and just this past week, my nine-year-old daughter said something that I literally wrote down to reflect on. She said the highlight of my day was running in the grass barefoot, because it made me so happy and I was like oh, that's so beautiful right.

Speaker 1:

They naturally notice these moments. They probably have these moments that we don't even tune into. We're not mindful of them yeah, and so the next day I ran barefoot in the grass because I was like wait a sec it really was and I so I ran in the grass with my kids and we had this water balloon fight.

Speaker 1:

and then I ran up to the back door and my husband was working at the table. I opened the back door and I started crying and he's like, what? What happened? Did something? I'm like, no, I'm so table, and I opened the back door and I started crying and he's like what happened? Did something happen? I'm like, no, I'm so happy, and I think that we need to tap into these tiny moments that we don't, we're not conscious of them. They pass by us. It doesn't have to be running in the grass, right, but the more we can do that we can pass that on to her kids.

Speaker 2:

So beautiful as well. Because what I love, what you're saying and I couldn't agree more and to build on it, like that is what we do for each other, like your daughter helped you to have that experience right, like she was the reason that you were able to access that, and that is how we show up for each other. And it's almost. It's as you said. It's just like gratitude, right. Like the good things become invisible unless we learn how to attend to it and pay attention to it. And exactly like the way that I try to do that is every time I'm doing something, I try to think of all the ways that people have helped me and all of the support that I've received and taken for granted, because, unfortunately, just like the good things in life, we just take it for granted. So briefly.

Speaker 2:

And the more that we can notice those moments and then try and share them more, pay them forward or whatever it is we can do, the more happiness we can have, and to me that's like just about the most beautiful thing ever, isn't it?

Speaker 1:

I want to share. There was one thing that really struck me. We've already spoken about this, Page 123, where you speak about. I don't know how to pronounce his name, but he's the game director of Nintendo.

Speaker 2:

Oh yes.

Speaker 1:

So you talk about his answer when somebody had asked him what he would do if he could redesign the world and I stopped with that question and tried to envision what I thought he would answer, and it wasn't what he answered. It was completely different. I just want to share this because it reminds us about what you and I have been talking about. So he said I wish I could make it so that people were more thoughtful and kind towards each other. I wish we were all a little more compassionate in these small ways. If there was a way to design the world that discouraged selfishness, that would be a change I would make.

Speaker 1:

It just reminds us that your definition of new, happy and what you share in this book, it's not something that is going to be a burden or very difficult for people to do. They're very small things that we can shift being kind to a person with you know, like again, thinking about a coworker and, like you said in the book, I think you said mentioning, like writing them an email or thanking them for their collaboration or whatever. It is Such small gestures that switch from what you call the ego system to the ecosystem. Can you touch on that a little bit?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so the ego system is sort of this great find I found in the research which basically describes an old, happy world where each of us are in it for ourselves. We try to do things that elevate the self. Other people are an obstacle to our wants and desires. We push them away. We isolate ourselves. It's all about, you know, looking after number one and trying to put ourselves first. An ecosystem is like in nature the recognition that we all have something to offer.

Speaker 2:

None of us are more important than any other, and we're all needed to contribute our unique offerings to the world. And in an ecosystem we become so much stronger because every person is giving of themselves in a way that somebody else needs, and that is what allows us to progress the human race forward. And that shift that Shigeru, the Nintendo creator, describes, is exactly that. It's simply trying to dial down our I don't want to say our selfish tendencies, because we have both right we're self-interested, we're other interested, and we need both. Both of them matter.

Speaker 2:

But our world has told us to emphasize those more self-focused tendencies and again to build an ego system rather than an ecosystem.

Speaker 2:

So it's like, sort of like we'd been plopped down in a world and it's like here we're going to cultivate all of the parts of you that make it hard to live together, versus we're going to cultivate all the parts of you that make it easier to live together, like in an ecosystem. So if we could all just like dial down those little, uh, those little things that we have, or, even better, dial up the ways in which we focus on others, the more we will be able to move towards that world, and so that's what I try to think about. What have I been the beneficiary of? What have I received? I have experienced so much privilege in my life, and that gives me a proportionally greater duty to give back and to help other people. And if, instead of my fellow privileged people seeing that as an opportunity to take more, if they would see it as an opportunity to give more, then I think our world would be a fundamentally different place.

Speaker 1:

I agree. So, as I said at the beginning, we're going to have the honor and pleasure of receiving you in the Reflective Parent Club in October. We're going to deep dive into your book a little bit more. It'll be the book of the month in October.

Speaker 2:

I am really excited.

Speaker 1:

I just just I really I'm excited to share this book and some insights and we reflect on what can change us and support us and lead to that sort of well-being which is part of everything that you talk about. I wanted to touch on this last thing because I do think it's important for everybody to hear this. So you talk about, like, the biggest shift that you can make and you say these three daily shifts how can I help? Who helped me and where are others helping have the power to make you and others happier every single day? Can you just kind of share what you mean by that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so these are three small behavioral shifts that I recommend that each of us employ if we want to experience more joy in our lives. So the first is who helped me? So where have I been the beneficiary of somebody else's support? For example, you helped me today by inviting me onto this podcast and by inviting me into your wonderful community, and I'm so thankful for that. And me taking a moment to really reflect and savor on that brings me a sense of real gratitude small acts of kindness.

Speaker 2:

And the third, which is one of my favorites, which is enabled now a lot more by social media and our internet abilities, is where are others helping? So where are other people showing up to do good in the world, to help others? Because there are so much goodness happening out there, but it's not on the front page of the newspaper, so we don't attend to it. In the same way, there's this beautiful poem that I love by Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk who it's called. They don't print the good news, and it's because it's so normal. It's like who we are as our inner goodness. So, again, we have to notice and attend to.

Speaker 2:

You know how did my kids show up and help somebody in their classroom today? What did my husband do at work for his colleagues? What about my neighbor? And how they went to check in on our other neighbor down the street who's going through a tough time? And we can experience these moments of profound awe and connection to people even if we're not the direct giver or receiver, which, again, to me, just shows how connected we all are.

Speaker 1:

Right, and I think that one's an interesting one right Because it's somebody might be listening to this and saying, well, how will, acknowledging that I saw my neighbor bring you know that other neighbor a basket of muffins what does that have to do with my happiness? But I think you're right. I think we don't take enough time to kind of acknowledge these moments and see how that makes us feel, and I do think it would make a difference. So I think that's a great way to kind of end this conversation with an action plan for people that are listening. I think these are three really important questions, that it's like the gratitude journaling I had done it for a few weeks straight last year and then I recorded a podcast about it and the beginning of the journaling, you know, just taking a moment at the end of the day and writing what I was grateful for.

Speaker 1:

I was looking for big things like that Did I get a new contract with work, is there a new collaboration with Kirsten? Or on, did one of my kids, you know, win something? Or I was looking for the big things. And then it took about six, seven days for me to realize I started writing about like my child giving me an extra hug, or like a hug that lasted a bit longer, or my husband, you know, while I was washing the dishes and he could see that I was really stressed that day like placing his hand on my shoulder.

Speaker 1:

I was noticing that when I didn't before. So I think it really helps with those questions. Oh, and like.

Speaker 2:

Even just hearing that makes me feel warm, happy feelings on the inside right. Like, look at like, like. I so believe that so many of our challenges right now are the result of believing that people are bad and that we're bad, like. That's where the perfectionism thing comes in right.

Speaker 2:

It's like if I can just fix my badness, then right, I'll be okay and enough. And the proof of goodness is the most powerful force in the world, I think, and one that we haven't figured out how to tap into yet. And if we can, if we can start to see it and celebrate it, I just really believe we'll be able to change the world for the better.

Speaker 1:

Stephanie, thank you for giving us that warm, happy feeling with everything that you do. I love that you said that, because that helped me kind of close the conversation. I encourage everyone to reach out and get the new happy. I'm going to put the link in the show notes for Amazon in Canada. I'm in Canada and the US so that you can access it. I will put your Instagram account as well. Is there anything else that you wanted to share with us?

Speaker 2:

If there's anything that you can do to help somebody today, please do, and if there's anything that you can do to ask for help today, I also encourage you to do that as well, and thank you for having me. It was such a joy to talk to you, thank you.