[THEME MUSIC] 

JESS: An update on yesterday’s story: 

The official charge was arson, and no charges will be pressed against any physically existing parties, as announced by Town Council in a statement today, but we all know the truth is far more interesting, don’t we? Conventional laws are so adorably narrow-minded sometimes. They try their best, yes, but sometimes they fail to truly encapsulate the potential extent of criminal shenanigans. 

“Uh, yeah” the Town Council spokesperson said when addressing two of the three local reporters and the few interested citizens present at the press conference earlier today in the motel parking lot, “it was arson. No one’s at fault. You know how things just… happen sometimes? Like arson. You can’t blame anybody.”

No one wanted to argue.

And now, a word from today’s sponsor: 

Happy birthday to you, 

happy birthday to you, 

Happy birthday dear Hannah-Grace, 

Happy birthday to you. 

Happy birthday, little Hannah Grace Faulder! 

Another year of your blood circulating through your veins, and your bones growing stronger, and your body ever-becoming the force of nature it was meant to be. From all two of us here at the station, may the years come as many and their contents inflict only minimal damage. 

I think that’s the cutest sponsor ad we’ve ever had submitted to the show. 

Speaking of birthdays… 

It's Martha's birthday today, too! 

We don’t have a birthday cake, or cupcakes, or muffins, or the money for some- but we do have last night's leftover donuts kindly gifted by Martin’s Grocery this morning, and we don’t have candles, but we do have an old box of cigarettes the last host left in the desk I may or may not have just found in the drawer. 

So, happy birthday, Martha! I’m not gonna ask how old you are, but I gotta say, if anyone in town was immortal, my guess would be it’s you. Thanks for being the best and most patient producer a radio host with no official training or expertise could ask for. 

Here’s some fun facts about Martha I’ve learned while working with her: 

Honestly, nothing concrete. 

I know she’s cool. She’s so cool. She just sits there in the booth and listens to me say the weirdest sh*beep* for however long we need to be on air, and then she tells me I did a good job saying the weird sh*beep* and we go get donuts. 

She pays me in cash because I can’t legally get a bank account. 

She always remembers my birthday, especially when I don’t. 

She’s currently reminding me that I am not supposed to swear on air- more accurately I suppose I should say “deeply required not to swear on air.” 

She probably knows everything. I think she might be my best friend. No one else has stuck beside me quite like her. Some of that is the boss-employee thing, sure, but it's also more than that. And no matter how many times I try and get her to come on air, she refuses. She doesn’t want the attention, she says. 

She’s also got some bada*beep* tattoos that she refuses to tell me about, and may or may not have gotten them in prison.

Now, folks, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Martha’s a criminal or got some dark, secret past or anything, but I did find an old wanted poster tucked between two dusty books in the booth for a gang leader from Montreal that looked eerily similar to her. I assure you it’s just coincidence. 

She’s also glaring at me from the booth right now. I can see her, through the glass. It’s like, a playful glare though. I think. Yeah.

Let us- and by us I mean me- know if you want to get Martha on air. She can’t ignore it if a bunch of you email in. We all believe in democracy. 

Well, most of us. 

Anyways, Martha, all of this to say: happy birthday. 

*music*

*music* 

Now, a list of community updates: 

It’s that time of year, folks: time for the semi-annual “bone check.” Do you still have your bones? Are you sure? Would you be able to recognize if they were replaced with some difficult-to-identify, canola-based substitute while you weren’t looking? How do your bones feel- do they feel like yours? Just sit in silence with them for a few moments. 

Hope this was helpful! It’s important to make sure you have your bones and not some, bone-imposters. Not sure why, not sure where your bones would go, not sure why this is a community event, but it just… is. 

Second on the bulletin: 

Everything is going to be fine. Nothing’s immediately terribly not-fine, to my knowledge, but I just think it’s important to remind yourself sometimes. Everything is fine, everything is going to be fine. If, in the future, you need to come back to this moment to remind yourself, that’s okay. If you can’t believe it, that’s okay. Sometimes things feel not fine. Sometimes things are not fine. 

We’ve all been there. We will all be there again. Life is cyclical like that. 

Bad things will happen, I’m not denying that, but as of right now, you have a 100% success rate when it comes to overcoming hardships. I’m no mathematician, but that sounds pretty good. 

This is not blind optimism, this is hopeful reassurance. Sometimes things are more fine than they seem. Sometimes okayness is closer than you think.

Third on the bulletin:

Hypothetically, and without causing alarm, Town Council would like to announce the hypothetical presence of Shifting’s disease in Braedon. 

Symptoms to look out for include: 

-blackening hands- like charcoal. It usually starts in the fingertips, and happens overnight. 

-involuntary changes; such as eye colour, a few centimetres in height, voice, or ethnicity. 

-identity crisis, which is a difficult one to confirm but is also a symptom to be aware of, however that is also a symptom of being a human being. 

Should you, conjecturally, have any supposed symptoms of this merely speculative condition, please report to the stone statue in the centre of town before your inevitable and incurable disappearance. 

Town Council would like to remind you that there is no way this could possibly be their fault. There’s no reason to think that might be or may have ever been a possibility. 

Fourth, and finally- Ha-

*Music cuts* 

Oh, my- I’m sorry for the interruption, folks, but we have something of a breaking news situation. Jurassic mayhem, for a lack of better terms. We are getting calls and tweets like crazy here, numerous sightings confirming what the others are saying- dinosaurs, once again walking the earth. We’re not exactly sure what’s happening, but stay tuned for updates and information as the situation progresses. 

JESS: For now, let’s turn it over to you, our eyes and ears out there in the chaos. Caller number one: you’re on air. 

TREENA: Hi Jess, it’s Treena! Treena McGarrick

JESS: Hi Treena. Tell us what you’re seeing. 

TREENA: I’m not even sure how to describe it- there are two dinosaurs walking down 4th Street-

JESS: Two full bodied dinosaurs? 

TREENA: Well, yes and no- they’re just the skeletons! 

JESS: Sorry, could you repeat that for us? 

TREENA: It’s just the skeletons, walking around!

JESS: Are they doing anything else? What direction are they heading? 

TREENA: Uh, towards the river valley. But they’re still right smack in the middle of town! 

JESS: Is there any damage being done? Is anyone hurt? 

TREENA: Nothing major I can see, but I’m hiding in my car. 

JESS: That’s probably the sensible thing to do. Well, thank you Treena, we’ll let you go. Take shelter and please, stay safe out there. Alright, let’s take another caller. You’re on air. 

MATT: It’s Matt. Matt Cromley- I’m currently standing on the corner of my street and I can see them from here. It looks like- oh my Lord, oh, oh one of them just picked up a car with its mouth! 

JESS: Is there anyone inside?!

MATT: I- I can’t tell from here. The RCMP are there, I’m sure you can hear the sirens, but I’m not sure what they can really do. 

JESS:  Oh no. I hope it’s not Treena. Matt- how big would you say they are? The... dinosaurs. 

MATT: One of them’s not that big- not bigger than maybe a big truck- but the other one- well, that’s the one that picked up a car, so maybe-. 

JESS: Matt, are you safe where you are? 

MATT: For now, I am. They’re far enough away I thin- Oh Lord.

JESS: What is it? Can you tell us what’s happening? 

MATT: It’s heading to the salvation army- it just dropped the car!

JESS: Oh no. I really hope no one was inside. 

MATT: I’m gonna go. As soon as the- those things are far enough away, I’m gonna go check on the car. 

JESS: Be careful. 

*HANGS UP* 

JESS: Alright, we have one more line waiting here. Caller three, you’re live with us on 1110 AM- what are you seeing? 

DAVID: [QUIET] It’s right outside. 

JESS: What is? One of the, uh- dinosaurs? Hello? Who is this? 

DAVID: David Pradlick.

JESS: Where are you, David? 

DAVID: Inside my store- hidin’ beneath the counter. It’s right outside.

JESS: Can you see it? 

DAVID: All I can see is a big shadow, but it made the whole room dark. I know it’s there. 

JESS: You might actually be quite safe where you are, David- if they don’t know you’re there.

DAVID: I’m gonna check and see what it is-

JESS: Be careful. 

[A LOUD ROAR] 

DAVID: It saw me!

JESS: What?

DAVID: It was looking through the window- it saw me-

JESS: Does it have eyes?

DAVID: No it don’t but it knows I’m here!

[LOUD RUMBLING and FAINT SHATTERING SOUNDS] 

JESS: Dave- are you okay? Tell us what’s going on. Martha, see if you can get through to Officer Sanford- Dave, are you there? 

DAVID: [INTERFERENCE STARTS] It shook the whole damn building- knocked some tv’s right off the shelf. 

JESS: Are you safe? 

DAVE: I’m hiding in the break room. 

JESS: If you stay quiet and still it might go away. I’m afraid I don’t really know what else to tell you.[INTERFERENCE GETS WORSE AND WORSE] I think Martha’s gotten through to the RCMP- David? Are you there Dave, can you hear me? 

(She pauses, then hangs up)

Alright, uh, folks, we’re gonna close the phone lines for now. Not that they’re working anymore. Which may have something to do with a carrier pigeon we’ve just received from Town Council asking us to uh. Stop broadcasting about this uh, major news story, for the prevention of mass hysteria. 

So, I’m not allowed to say anymore about it, I guess. But I will say this: 

Please stay safe. 

*music transition* 

The perpetrator in the Tim Kennedy attack earlier this week was finally identified by authorities, and Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy announced they are not pressing charges against the HA or the individual member responsible for damages done to their son. 

Apparently, he owed the HA money, and, while authorities have not yet released the name of the attacker in an official statement, rumour has it, it was none other than Augustus Kane, respected leader of the HA, which, as we all know is the local Homeowners Association. 

Neither Kennedy nor Kane were available or willing to make a comment. It seems like the HA would prefer to keep this matter internal, between members and the party at fault. 

With this in mind, we can pretty confidently assure all you listeners that this incident was not some senseless act of violence, and there is no reason to think it might happen again. Granted no one does anything to provoke powerful organizations like the HA. 

*music*

Based on the majority’s response to polls that were sent to your homes, an after school, scouts-like group has been created by local volunteers. It is called “scouts.” The leaders want to note that just because it has been called “scouts,” there is no affiliation with either the legally recognized “boy scouts” or “girl scouts.” 

As there is neither the budget nor the resources to offer  separate “boy” and “girl” scouts respectively, our scouts will not be divided by gender or by age, but by mere skill level alone. There are five ‘ranks’ the scouts can achieve consecutively through hard work and a willingness to learn, and maybe just a hint of bloodlust. 

Scout ranks will be distinguished and identified by a combination of colour of uniform and “bird of prey” insignia, in the following order- 

Rosewood, Owl.

Amber, Falcon. 

Basil, Vulture. 

Sapphire, Hawk. 

Violet, Eagle.

An important note for parents: these birds of prey are not actually required or physically present at any point within the club. 

“After all,” the hooded, robe wearing figure who is head of this new club, said in a press interview “we would never do anything to endanger your precious, precious children. Except teach them.” 

If your children wish to join, each family must mail a manilla envelope to that abandoned, houseless mailbox along the northbound township road, filled with two stalks of stinging nettles, three petals from a wild rose, and a yellow paintbrush. If you can’t find the yellow, two and a half red will do if you include the roots. This process is so they will start their journey into scouthood having already earned their “identifying local wildflowers” patch, as well as their “successfully mailing to an urban mailbox” patch- 

I’m sorry, listeners, but I am being handed a red note by my producer that says to ignore the entirety of the earlier breaking news broadcast- fossils yet undiscovered near town were not, repeat NOT, seen coming to life earlier today and terrorizing the salvation army and our only electronics store. The names of anyone who recounts otherwise are to be whispered to the stone statue in the town square and they will receive the… proper assistance. 

Again, dear listeners, we apologize for any panic our station’s previously misinformed broadcast may have caused. 

Besides, listeners, if there were giant, skeletal dinosaurs terrorizing Braedon, where are they now? What could you have done about it? And why would you be hearing it from a semi-late-night radio show host? 

In other, unrelated news, the local museum is excited to announce the addition of two new full body fossils to their growing exhibit. Admission to this exhibit will be included in regular admission prices. 

“Just come and see it when you have a chance, there’s no rush” said the Town Council-funded advertisement posted just moments ago, “It’s not like these fossils are going anywhere.” 

A special thanks to our guests, the Faceless, for funding the creation of this new exhibit. 

*transition*

Here’s that community update we missed earlier: 

Herman Blanchard, according to a punctuation-less and slightly confusing email he sent to the studio, is starting a stargazing club! I’m not sure how he ever got permission from Town Council to host such a practise, but we could spend all day speculating on why or how and never find the answer. Who am I to question the shrouded motive of our municipal government? 

Herman claims he was inspired to start this group by the meteor shower we had a little while ago, and the way it reminded him of his place in the cosmos. 

If I’m being honest, I have mixed feelings about the prospect of a local group solely dedicated towards the intent observation of what we know as stars. 

In my experience, when it comes to stars, there are two types of people: 

Those who would say: 

Do not think about how the stars could be a million, twinkling, mischievous little eyes and how much easier they can see you, out here, on the open prairie. 

Or, those who would say: 

When I look at the stars, I like to think they’re looking back. It makes me feel seen.

If there’s anything both these kinds of people are right about, it's that the stars are watching you.

Their intentions, however, are still unclear. 

So, join the star-gazing society at your own risk. Repeated exposure to one another’s presences will cultivate a familiarity between you and the stars. Be sure this is something you are comfortable with. 

My advice to anyone considering joining would be: know why you want to join. Really, truly, deeply know why. It’s difficult to predict the cosmic repercussions of our actions, especially when we do not fully understand our own actions ourselves. 

Anyways, I think that’s all we have time for tonight. That sound you can hear means Martha and I have an impromptu meeting with Town Council. Wish us luck. 

I’ll leave you with this word of encouragement for those of you like Herman Blanchard, considering your place in the cosmos:

You are light, you bring warmth and joy to those you love. Your friends find comfort and enjoyment in your presence. They find humour in the things you say. You have value. You have worth. And I don’t just mean the $750000 you’re worth on the black market, give or take. 

If you are still here, your friends and loved ones must agree your presence is worth more than 750,000$. I’d venture to say it might just be priceless. I’d also go so far as to say you are utterly unique. There is only one of you in the vastness of the universe. There are countless upon countless of stars scattered across the canopy of the cosmos, but only one you. 

That shouldn’t make you feel small, but infinite. There is no price tag one could put on the infinite wonder that is you. 

More beautiful and mysterious and more cosmically significant than any star. 

Safe travels. We hope to see you again soon. 

Thanks for tuning in.