The Golden Triangle and Thai Hill Tribes

Trekking with the hill tribes in the golden triangle

Transcript

Episode 6, The Golden Triangle / Thai Hill Tribes

Hey everybody and welcome back to “Goin’ down the road with Randy’. Dang! Six episodes! And I’m still just getting started. Stories. I got stories.Sit down, bring a cold beverage. Put your feet up. I hope y’all are enjoying listening to this weird stuff from way back when, during another lifetime, when, even though we thought the world was fucked up, we were always hopeful that we could make it better. We need more of that now.

Tonight we are going back to Thailand and we’re going to the northern border with Laos and Burma and we are going to trek - in fact, it is required to trek here because in much of the area there are no roads - we are going to trek in the infamous Golden Triangle that is the moniker for the intersection of these three countries.

But, I need to divert from official podcast business tonight for just a quick moment to address what has become a bit of an elephant in the room that some people have asked me about. A characteristic common to elephants in rooms is that they are awkward to talk about and difficult to state clearly what you mean, but I’m going to try to do that. Namely, that my traveling companion throughout these stories is Greta, a woman not currently my wife, and in fact, we never married. That being said we obviously did have a relationship and I like to think that it was a pretty good one that ended relatively well and on amicable terms. I don’t really have contact with Greta any more, but I could connect with her if I tried, and vice versa. There are no restraining orders in place and that is absolutely meant as a lame-ass joke, ok? I try to downplay her as much as possible in the podcast because I do not want to hurt my wife’s feelings. And if I do, I apologize - it is unintentional, but sometimes necessary to tell the story.

Everyone needs to understand that these travels and stories all happened 30 years ago and obviously my life is quite different now. Tess is my only true love and the mother of my children and she knows that. If she doesn’t then I have quite obviously failed somewhere and I can fix  that, I hope, but I cannot change the past and this podcast, though it describes those travels, is not a yearning for that old relationship. But, Tess still doesn’t want to hear about remembrances of my times with other women and I understand that, as the reverse is also true. So I try to keep it focused on what we were doing and stay away from any personal stuff. I just want to let everyone, especially Tess, be assured of that. I had considered using a generic “traveling companion” moniker but it seems cumbersome and impersonal to me, so I’m going to stick with Greta, because she is a real person too, and what happened, happened, so, what can I say other than we have to just accept that, right, and move on.

Also, I am friends with lots of these other folks on social media and strangely enough in the ensuing 30 years many of their situations have also changed and I may have tagged you all just because I thought y’all might be interested. Or I might have missed tagging you, in which case rest assured I probably didn’t mean to. I am not here to cause problems so if I am, I’m sorry, please stop listening, or, no, better yet, keep listening and just tell me what inconsiderate thing I did last because I probably don’t know what I’m doing. 

Just an old man telling stories over here. Get off my fucking lawn! Good lord, that got all messed up but I hope you all catch my drift, as we used to say. And I mean no intentional harm to anyone, anywhere or anytime. Except, of course, when I do, but I’ll make sure that you have no doubts when, and if, that happens.

Aaanyway, now that that is out of the way, I can start, by skimming quickly over to explain how I got to Thailand. We had landed in Malaysia from Indonesia. We hung out in Kuala Lumpur, Malacca, and down to Singapore.  From Singapore, then back up for a few days in Penang, then entered Thailand at Hat Yai on December 11th where we stamped our 2 month visa for Thailand. We went directly to Krabi, on the southwest coast and the most gorgeous beach in the whole wide world, Railay Beach – there will be stories later. A group of us met up and then spent Christmas and New Year on the other side of the Thai peninsula on Koh Tao (Tao Island) in the Gulf Of Thailand.

After the holidays we took the overnight train to Bangkok and had our first encounter with the backpacker ghetto, Khao San Road. The trains in Thailand are great! They are not particularly fast, but due to a quirk of Thai geography, many train routes are 10-14 hours long. Thus trains go back and forth pretty much twice a day and if you go on the overnight train you save the price of a room. They will come and prepare your seat into a bed and you can even order breakfast. 

We had been running around Bangkok for a week trying to finalize plans to go to Viet Nam which has just, I mean just, like a week ago, opened up to independent travel. That’s huge. Prior to the opening travelers to Viet Nam had to go with a tour group with a guide and that we definitely not our thing. Now, travelers were going to be allowed to travel independently, you just had to apply for a travel permit. So we’re taking advantage of the opportunity, and so is everyone we meet, but everyone’s plans keep changing and flights have not caught up with demand. After a week or so, we have had enough of Bangkok and want to go north to Chiang Mai and trek to the hill tribes in the golden triangle.

We get an overnight train north to Chiang Mai. Strangely, the train we took from the southern beaches and island to Bangkok was not air-conditioned, but this one, from Bangkok to Chiang Mai, in the mountainous north of the country is air conditioned. We freeze our asses off. We are not at all used to air conditioning by this point. We are cold even with 3 blankets!

The train arrives in Chiang Mai at 7:30 a.m. and it is colder outside our air-conditioned train car than it is inside - it's freezing up here! We get a taxi to the Chiang Mai Inn for 20 baht and then a lovely room for a hundred baht with bath and phone and hot showers around the corner, excellent! We settle in to sleep for a while then explore the city. We get some lunch and then shop and stumble onto some dancing in the corner of the old city walls which happens only one day year and it's supposed to protect the city from attack.

Chiang Mai is an ancient walled and moated city which was once a kingdom in its own right. It was founded in 1296. The people here look very different than in the south. I meet a nice American guy from Ohio who provides the information on the dancers. 

Later we explore the night market. Huge is the only word to describe it. It would take a week to cover this market properly. Who should we run into but Bryan Day, a Canadian guy we first met in Flores and who was on the hellish bus trip to Bali described in episode 2. He just found out that he won a $50 prize in a photo magazine photo contest. We have a beer to celebrate and then he comes to our room and turned us on to some doobies. He's going on a trek tomorrow to the hill tribes. Many people just go for quick day trips to the hill tribes, but that is not really our style, we’re more interested in an immersive experience wherever we go.

The next day is relaxed, sleep in have breakfast and try to see some things in Chiang Mai since we're sort of stuck here until at least the tomorrow. We run errands and then go to the Wat Chiang Man, home of the crystal Buddha. It was constructed during the founding of the city in the 13th century. A wat is the Thai name for a Buddhist temple and in Thailand they are everywhere and they are gorgeous examples of the distinctive Thai architecture. 

The next day we check out the Tribal Research Institute at Chiang Mai University. A very interesting place with lots of information on hill tribes. The hill tribes of Thailand are the Karen, the Lisu, the Akha, the Hmong or Meo, the Mien or Yao, the Lawa, and the Lihu. They have been forced here over the centuries from China, Laos, and Burma, to this hilly region of northern Thailand, western Laos and eastern Burma that, quite literally, no one else wanted and they set up shop growing and selling opium.

Business was good too. Until reformers in the government in the 60’s and 70’s, right when business was booming with the war in SE Asia increasing demand for heroin. They started trying to shut the hill tribes down. They taught them to grow strawberries for the market just fine but they did not teach them how to kick their own opium addiction, so the people kept growing it. They had to. They literally had to.

All the hill tribes of Thailand originally practiced animism – a belief in the spirit world. They take great care not to offend spirits and practice spirit offering festivals. This is similar to Taoism or Confucianism. Over the years, as missionaries made their way through Thailand, many were converted to Christianity, and through integration into Thai society many were converted to Buddhism. Nowadays it is common to find hill tribes that still maintain their spirit beliefs but have also adopted Christianity or Buddhism in parallel. Ya know, might as well cover all the bases, right?

Later we go down to the night market to make our call and find that everyone, Phil, Karen, Helit and Mike has decided to go on Vietnam Airlines on the 16th so it looks like we're going to Vietnam by ourselves. As we are shopping in the market we run into the Laotian president's wife and her extensive entourage. We get back rather late and read.

Saturday January 11th

We can't actually leave today because #1, we're not packed and #2, we don't have a motorcycle and #3, we aren't sure about this whole trekking thing at all. We don’t want to go if the people are being exploited. We go down the street looking for Summit Trekking and find it. We stop at Folkways Trekking and like their four-day trip to the north - a lot. We nearly book but then we hold off. 

We go back and shower and meet Dave from Ohio after dinner and we three go to the Riverside bar when we find a very happening live music scene. The bands keep getting better and better playing old Allman Brothers and Pink Floyd, everything an old hippy boy at heart needs. The beer and Mekong are flowing freely. No ganja to be had though. The bar is closing and we meet this Thai guy who put us in a tuk-tuk and said he'd meet us there. This is not something we would normally allow to happen but we’re soon at a very Thai nightclub. Our friend never shows but we drink and dance with the locals. Somehow we get home and into deep discussions on religion, politics, etc, the specifics of which are not recorded in my journal nor in my current recollections. 

The next day I sleep until 2 with a massive hangover. Greta gets up at noon when Dave comes by and goes out for the day with him. I can't handle it, I'm sick. They go. I sleep and then read and finally venture out at 3 or so to tell Folkways we've decided to go and to eat. I do these chores and stagger back to the bed to read until 5:45 when I have to go to the 6 o’clock meeting for trekking tomorrow. We just get issued backpacks and are told what to bring. I meet Greta on the way back. She went to a funeral and saw temples and would have had a good day if she just didn't feel like vomiting all the time. We go to dinner then retire and read and pack. Dave comes by and we trade addresses. Then Bryan stops by with horror stories from his trek - fractured skulls! So, that’s what my journal says. It literally says, “fractured skulls”. Exclamation point. Like, I guess just writing those words would trigger some kind of overwhelming memory in me thirty fucking years later. I am following a quite unreliable narrator – and so are you.

Bryan treats us to a doobie. We pack up after he leaves and when we're done we go get some fried rice and then go to bed. We have an early day tomorrow to go trekking with the hill tribes of the Golden Triangle.

Just so you know, we did smoke opium on this trek. I won’t honk a horn every time we smoked but you can just assume we smoked every night we were trekking. I generally follow a, “When in Rome” philosophy when traveling. If they’re drinking snake blood, I’m drinking snake blood, if they’re eating dog, then I guess I’m eating dog, and if they’re smoking opium then I am damn sure smoking opium too. I will not necessarily describe each opium smoking session but I will go into great detail on the ritual involved.

So, first of all there is pure opium which is very gooey – sort of like thick Vaseline or wheel bearing grease. The regular smokers usually mix their opium 50/50 with paracetamol, or what we know as Tylenol. This is supposed to ensure that they do not accidentally overdose. After the pure opium is mixed with the crushed pills it is more like a soft hashish texture. For those not familiar with the texture of soft hashish this would be like mixing thick Vaseline or wheel bearing grease 50/50 with crushed Tylenol. (Ahem)

With either one, you take a steel rod and put a glob of the opium on it. This is then shaped over a flame until the consistency is Goldilocks, generally a bit thicker than what it was but without actually burning it. Then you take the pipe, a foot long piece of bamboo with a glass bottle on the end with a small hole for the rod in it. It is long so that the helper does not have to crowd you while he prepares your pipe.

The steel rod is inserted into the hole in the glass bottle and the lump of opium is rolled down the rod to the glass bottle and then the rod is withdrawn leaving a little opium volcano on the glass bottle. All of this is done by the helper, opium smoking is not done alone which is a good thing in my case because I definitely would have been at a loss. Smoking opium is always done lying down on the left side as nausea and vomiting are not uncommon.

The helper then applies flame to the opium volcano and it vaporizes and he works the opium so that it vaporizes around the hole as you smoke. The smoker breathes in and out, in and out the whole time, you do not hold it in your lungs as you might a toke of marijuana. It is very relaxing. It is not what I would call a party drug as the participants are quickly reduced to lying on the floor, basically unable to speak. I found that it made my nose itch.

If you do have to stand, to urinate, for example, you run the risk of increased nausea and vomiting. I felt like I wasn’t really sleeping, but I also wasn’t really awake. I had no problems with nausea or vomiting and for the most part it was quite pleasant and dream-like. It’s probably a good thing that I resisted offers to buy my very own brick of opium and that I was done after 4 days. Opium would be a hard thing to be addicted to and these people have long not had a choice.

Addiction is a terrible thing no matter what it is and it is something I have struggled with. I have been lucky. The real shame is that reality is the thing we all try so hard to escape from. Maybe if reality were better society wouldn’t have so damn many addiction problems? I’m sorry, I digress from the traveling narrative. I’ll try to stay in my lane.

 Monday January 13th

Up at 6:30, shit, shower, shave and out the door. We grab some croissants and get to Folkways a little after 7:30. It's okay though because we end up not leaving until 9 anyway. Jon and Eck are our guides. We learn that Jon's wife has just left him and so he's ready to smoke a lot of opium. Look out! 

We go in a plush minibus to Fang where we trade buses and then go to Thaton where we have lunch. We miss the boat so we stay in the car and go to our first village, a Karen village where we begin the actual trekking. The women run up the hill with us selling shell bracelets and they tie them onto us and it only costs ten baht, so we buy some. Hiking through hot fields. So many pigs! Only an hour walk brings us to the Lahu village where we will spend the night. 

We sort of move into the Chief’s house. We wander around the village with little or no reaction. We come back and have tea and talk while dinner is being prepared. We try to entice the kids with hacky sack but there is not much interest. We drink some local rice whiskey which is brutal stuff. I'm looking forward to smoking lots of opium this evening.

And yeah, we did smoke lots of opium. I did two pipes of pure opium and 6 pipes of mixed. Wow, so mellow. All I could do was lie there. I don't really sleep but I am not really awake either. I as in a dream state. I remember the old woman smoking after we were done and the chief is drunk as a skunk singing and playing the flute all night long. Until even his wife yells at him to shut up. But he is only part of the symphony which includes cows, pigs, firecrackers, chickens, dogs, giant old muzzleloading gun blasts, you name it. Apparently these folks celebrate a different New Years celebration and it is now. Yay! Lucky us! It lasted all night and I don't remember sleeping but I don't feel too bad when I wake up just a little nauseous, but otherwise okay.

When I woke at 3 a.m. to piss last night about six and a half hours after the last pipe I felt very sick when I got back to the bed but okay once I had laid down again. Very strange. The Lahu village is a barnyard. These people have lots of animals, but no fences. Lots of people, but no toilets. They seem to have plenty of food and opium though. 

The next morning after coffee I ask the guide where to go for a shit and he says to just find a bush somewhere. I wander around a bit until l find a nice, secluded bush most suited for my modest sensibilities. Ok, so, I stop at the first goddamn available bush, alright? I mean I gotta go man!  I drop into a good old-fashioned mountain squat position, calling balls and strikes behind home plate, and it is not long before my constitutional is achieved. At least partially. My reverie is almost immediately disturbed by dogs who swoop in to eat the shit quite literally as it comes out of my asshole. I mean, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t hit the fucking ground and I felt whiskers on my butt cheeks. The perfect form of my good old-fashioned mountain squat that I have spent many years perfecting in many backcountry adventures has transformed into a kind of shitting duck walk across the village, trying not to get any on my own shoes and ankles while swatting swarming dogs from my ass, which no doubt provided quite the spectacle to the village, who probably still talk about it to this day when the elders reminisce. Or, who knows, maybe it happens with every group of foreigners who stay with them and they just yawn and turn away, but I’m pretty sure I saw some people laughing. The dog, for it’s part, is probably fortunate that my shit at the time was relatively solid as that was not always the case.

Apparently, the pigs and the dogs have a competition for the human shit and the chickens get the pig’s and the dog’s shit. Nothing is wasted here. Even the dogs are raised for their meat. Nothing is wasted. We soon learn to take care of business with a partner who can shoo the animals away until the dirty deed is done. There are some spectacular fights when we finish and let them have it. It makes me wonder if I really want to eat a shit-eating pig, or dog. Of course the sad truth is that we most certainly already have been eating them.

We leave for the Lisu village. We're trekking with a German couple, Oatmeier and Edeltraud and Oatmeier is bumming heavily. It's hot and he wants to barf. I think his experience with the opium was not quite as pleasant as mine was. His nausea prompts some other thoughts on opium. It has terrible effects on your gastrointestinal system. You are prone to puking when you smoke it and then it makes you constipated, which might not be a bad thing given the general state of shitting up here.

We stop for lunch and we play hacky sack not with, but for, the villagers. Some westerners ride by on their motorcycles and stare at us. Walking again mostly uphill through the tall grass that is used to make roofs and walls. All it does for us is make us itch.

Finally we look down over the Lisu village. As usual you can see the pigs and the cows from here. One thing I have noticed is that the houses are constructed on stilts driven into the hillside, so that they do not have to excavate for a level floor. We are all looking forward to a bath in the promised waterfall. This village isn't visited much now but used to be visited at least once a day. We go in and already can sense a bit more of a Western influence. One guy comes up and asks us, “Where are you going?” I gave the kids colored pens and their parents cigarettes. Then we run down and take a shower in the freezing waterfall and smoke a joint. 

We come back and an old woman approaches us with a white glove stuffed over one hand. She pulls the glove off to reveal a wound. It looks bad but I can't look too closely. It's dirty too. Edeltraud becomes determined to do something about it so I look at the wound a little closer. It is so dirty. I thought it was a burn, but it looks like a knife wound, maybe a couple of weeks old. 

I get some iodine but the Edeltraud is already cleaning the wound with alcohol, I think. The old woman doesn't flinch as she squirts it over the wound. The wound is deep too - very deep and the hand is swollen and infected. 

The cut Is right between the thumb and forefinger. What I thought looked like dirt or dried blood now looks more like…opium? Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’ve been packing opium in there. Whatever it is it's not coming off.

Edeltraud gets some sort of black goo from a tube which is very sticky. She puts it on some gauze and presses it to the wound then she wraps the whole thing up. I look at the woman and the boy who is leading her and try to very seriously tell them that this is only temporary and that they must see a doctor very soon. It needs to be stitched up and the infection taken care of with cleansing and antibiotics. But I doubt if she'll go and she'll probably get gangrene. I hope we did okay. 

We sat around inside waiting for dinner the old man asks us if we want to smoke opium the German couple does not, but I do. We have a huge meal. Too much to eat and I feel guilty because we have two kids just staring at us as we eat. After dinner we sit around and they play some strange banjo thing and asked us if we want a massage. 

The kids try to put a mouse in our bed after we smoke the opium. We fall asleep wondering about the difference in the tribes we have seen. The Lahu didn't try to sell us anything except opium. The Lisu I feel are mad at us because we don't buy anything. The Lisu children come to stare at us and smile and nod and we smile and nod and they smile and nod back at us as if mocking us. There are some very strange vibes at play here.

Wednesday January 15th

Today we'll go see what the Akha people are like. We have heard that they still wear their traditional tribal dress. I don't know, I have a feeling that we are definitely not very welcome here and they only want our money because they are so desperately poor. I feel so useless because there's really nothing we can do to help them except to buy things that we don't want or need. We might as well give them money. They can't grow opium and the government wants them to produce crafts but at the trekking agencies in Chiang Mai they tell you not to bring too much money on your truck. There should be a tribal-friendly trekking agency in Chiang Mai.

So we trek up from the Lisu village the weather is cloudy and cool perfect for walking. The hills become more forested not like the denuded hills of yesterday. Jon points out the fields where one or two years ago they were growing opium - now nothing. We see the helicopters circling again. We walk for 3 hours to the Ahka Village. Only the difference in the attire give a clue that these are different tribes. The women are wearing their distinctive hats all silver ornaments with little wall-type thing in the back. 

The entrance to the village is guarded by a spirit gate to prohibit entry to evil spirits. The children all smile and yell hello to us. We enter the village and go to the Chief’s house. Almost instantly we attract a large crowd of women pressing us to buy necklaces, bracelets, bags, hats, all sorts of things. We have some tea and Greta goes out to bargain with them. I can't deal and I have so many things to write down. 

My biggest regret is that we didn't bring the tape recorder to capture the songs and flute of the first night and the banjo of last night. The people are so fascinating to us but really they are only trying to survive in a changing world that is eroding underneath them under modern morals and pressures. No longer can they drift their lives away in the hills in an opium induced haze. We take a little day hike from here into Burma – it is only the next hill over on the path and when they tell us we’re in Burma I sense no difference and I doubt that these people do either..

 We hang out and play some hacky but no one really wanted to join in with us so once again we put on a demonstration. It seems the Lisu and Ahka aren't into hack but the Lahu were willing and eager to play. People here just want to watch us. We have some good kicks for about an hour and then we go down to a secluded spot for a good cold shower. Now we're just hanging out waiting for them to get around the cooking dinner usually they do it before the sun goes down. 

I sit watching this old Ahka a woman chopping up some palm to boil. There's also some kind of root (maybe tarot?) in there. In any case dinner should be interesting as our faithful guide Yon has been smoking opium since we got here at about 1 pm. And he is in the spirit world. This culture is so far removed from our own it's difficult to believe. Once you get past the “Please buy my jewelry.”, stage these people seem like they might be quite friendly. We'll see tonight.

Ok, so  yeah, these guys are true addicts as is confirmed later when we find that they are under extreme pressure to change and opium addiction and use remains very high. We have not one, but two, pipes going tonight and we are smoking from one manned by the oldest dude I've ever seen. I mean, he looks like Confucius himself. He's a pro, but I think he was giving us small bowls. I saw him load one for himself and it was twice the size of ours. I smoke 12 pipes. But I don’t feel as affected as the first night. Then again, I never tried to get up either.

Thursday January 16th

We wake up and it's still dark out. Ugh. Slam a boiled egg and three pieces of toast. pack up and leave just after dawn before any shitting needs to be done if we can help it. I think I like this Ahka Village better than all the others perhaps because we stayed here longer.

We have an easy walk down past a large grove of lychee trees to the road that we crossed the day before yesterday. We get a songthaew down that road to another village. Here we get a boat up the river to Thaton in what I fervently hope with all my heart will be the coldest boat ride I ever have the pleasure to take. 

We thaw out over lunch in Thaton and then take a songthaew to Fang and catch the 1 o’clock local bus from Fang to Chiang Mai. We arrive in Chiang Mai and I feel sick. I've got the shits – again. Sometimes, when travelling you just have to enjoy the times that you don’t have the shits. Sorry to be so graphic, but it tends to be a topic of daily conversation amongst travelers.  I'm exhausted. It is about 5 PM. I stagger to a room at the Eagle Guest House and crawl in bed. I stay there all night. No dinner. Just shitting water constantly.

The next day we have to move rooms and the effort nearly kills me. I lay in bed all day reading and resting and then gradually start feeling better. It might have been the Imodium I took. I feel good enough to go to the Al-Shizaz Indian restaurant. I only have daal and rice with a little chicken tandoori and chapatis but it's good. 

Saturday January 18th

We got up early to go over to Prasan and Porntip’s house and they are going to show us around the village where Prasan works for his World Vision project. This a couple that I have never met, but they were co-workers of my sister-in-law at the time. Such are connections made while traveling. “Hey! Hi! We do not know each other from Adam or Eve but I know a person that you know and they said to call you, so here I am calling!”  is often a doorway to another world.

We spend most of the day riding around in the back of the pickup and then stop at a very interesting market and some Wats too. (I really wish I had written down what those wats were but we had seen so many by that time, I guess I was slacking off a bit.) Not a bad day but somehow disappointing. We had them drop us off at tapha gate and we arranged a motorcycle for tomorrow. We went back to the Eagle Guest House and watched “Green Card” on the video.

Sunday January 19th

Have a shower and breakfast and went to get the motorcycle packed. We’re on a motorcycle adventure to Mae Hong Song and the Burmese border, again. We packed and left stuff at the hotel and we're out of Chiang Mai not long after noon. North on route 107 we keep looking for the turnoff to Pai. I thought we missed it, doubled back and, no, didn't miss it, so back up the road again which cruise around the two main streets and finally check out the Shan Guest House on the outskirts of town. 

We get a great bungalow with a huge bed and two big quilts for 60 baht and the guy was very friendly and spoke good English. We played some hack had a beer and then went out to dinner at a place called Thai Yai which had great garlic bread and was into alternative living. Thai-style. Back at the homestead we drink Mekong whiskey and sang “House of the Rising Sun” in Thai and then snuggled under the big blankets against the cold.

Monday January 20th

 We are awakened by a PA system blaring out songs punctuated by announcements of some kind at 7:30 a.m. I get up and open the window and look out into whiteness. Dense fog. The noise is coming from towards town. Back to bed hungover. Apparently this happens every Monday from 7:30 to 8 thank God it's almost 8. Sucks that we stayed here on Monday. 

Up again at 10 to have breakfast, change money, pack and go. Armed map from the proprietor we attempt to find the fabled waterfall and we do too after only a few false turns. A kindly local gentleman there offered to sell us some opium but we declined and bought ganja instead – finally! I mean this is Thailand fer crissakes, where has the ganja been?

The folks were nice but we kept moving. We checked the Pai Mountain Lodge Bungalows - gorgeous things with hot showers and fireplaces for 150 baht a night then we return to the road and motor to Sepang village where we have lunch and meet another friendly guy who drew us another map to the local cave but when we found out that we were going to Mae Hong Song he told us we’d better boogie so we did. 

Beautiful countryside perched on the Burmese border we pull into Mae Hong Song at about 5 or so and putt around looking for a good guest house has finally settling on an expensive 150 baht but with hot showers in the rooms Garden Garden Guest House. I have a very luxurious 20 minute hot shower. Grata I may be getting sick.

Tuesday January 21st

So there we were banging bumping our way up to the Burmese border when I break my promise and I spill the bike trying to negotiate an especially treacherous erosion channel in the so-called roadway. I also break the clutch lever. No big problem but we have to nurse the bike back to Mae Hong Song for repairs and we don't get to see the Burmese border this time. The side trip adds like 70 km to the trip and proves to be a workout for our asses.

After repairs we speed to the Cave Lod near Soppong and had about 45 minutes walking around there before we had to go onto Pai. I don’t think this is the same cave but it is in roughly the same area of the cave that the Thai youth soccer team got rescued from. 

We get back to Pai at about 5:30 we are frozen. Hot tea revives us and we get our old bungalow back at Shan's. Who smoke a doobie a have a killer hack session followed by a killer baked potato dinner. Catch up on a lot of letters and get some sleep in preparation for tomorrow's run into Chiang Mai.

The next morning we are up early to cruise into Chang Mai. Brrr, cold! We arrive no trouble by noon and go down to the train station to get tickets to Phitsanoluk and Sukothai tomorrow. The bike has a slow leak in the rear tire, a broken spoke and it's probably ready to fall apart. We turn it in and don't even pay for the extra two hours that we had it. Oh, we're bad. We have lunch and then claim our room at the Eagle Guest House. Got to shower and get ready to go to Prasan’s to learn to cook Thai food. I'm really psyched because the food is so good! I've got recipes for Tom Yum Soup, Pad Thai and Thai Coconut Curry and you can download them, if you like, they are at the end of the transcript of this podcast which you can find on Buzzsprout.com.

Thursday January 23rd

 After breakfast we went shopping. We bought a sawu for our friend John - one of those weird little two stringed instruments on a coconut played with a bow. We didn't have time to get the sawu packed up and mailed before we had to catch the train to Phitsanoluk at 3:30. So, we sit on the train with our big package munch on shitty fried rice for an outrageous 50 baht. We've learned now to travel third class on the day trains and eat out of the windows. We arrive in Phitsanoluk at 11 and get a hotel and crash out. 

The first order of business next morning is to the post office to mail the package to John and grab a quick Thai sort of breakfast of rice and fried chicken then hop on the bus to Sukhothai. An hour later we are dropped off there and make her way to the O2 guest house where I while away the rest of the day doing laundry and reading. We have a decent cheap meal at the market then retire. We called Tabtim at Ploy travel and she gives us bad news - we've lost our reservation to Vietnam and Dave is in Bangkok freaking out. We will call tomorrow to find out what it is up. I guess we can always go on Vietnam Airlines also known as “Scare Vietnam”? Even that is up in the air.

 Saturday January 25th

Today we're going to check out the ruins of Sukothai which was Thailand's first capital, founded in 1257. But it lasted only until 1379 when it was moved to Ayuthaya. Sukhothai means “Dawn Of Happiness”. We have a really good day in spite of the fact that neither of us feels all that great. I think I've got a bit of a head cold from all that motorcycle riding and the freezing train rides. But we did get to see most of the important temples that we wanted to see. Giant Buddhas and grand ruins. I have not been to Rome so I can’t really compare but I can mentally challenge. 

It would be nice to rent a bike and go up into the hills and see some more of those ruins. It must have been one hell of a kingdom and civilization here to have done all this. Really. It’s fantastic and definitely worthwhile. 

We had some barbecue chicken for lunch and then went back to the hotel and hung out reading. Had our dinner at the same shitty place then called Tabtim. She said we're good to go on the 8th! (I think Thai Airways added a flight.)  Excellent! But she also said that the Vietnamese Embassy is closed February second, third, and fourth for the Tet holiday, so we have to come down and apply for our visas by the 28th, 2 days from now. What a nightmare. So now instead of going up to the Northeast and hanging out for a few more days we have to go down to nasty old Bangkok again. We sort it out and decide to catch a government bus at 7:50 tomorrow morning.

We’re up by dawn, packing and checking out. Walk down to the bus and got a ticket to Bangkok, no problem. What a hellish journey though. It's hot, it's crowded, and it takes forever. We finally get off at the northern bus terminal in Bangkok. This is a huge place only marginally closer to town than the airport. We manage to get a tuk tuk into town for 80 baht. We try the Merry V but it's full as usual. All rooms in Bangkok are full but there is a note. A.J. is here. Dave is here. As usual, you meet everyone eventually on Khao San Road. We find a room at Apples, shower and go meet Dave and AJ have an Indian feast and drink some Mekong. We all decide to meet for the Super Bowl tomorrow which is being shown live here at 6 am.

Monday January 27th

We get up again in the dark at 5:15 a.m. We go to one place to see the game but they are assholes so we go to another place and they've got a big nice TV and are friendly. We have some tea and fruit. The game starts at 6 and we start drinking beers. You cannot say that you have been drinking all day unless you start in the morning. Waking up a noon and drinking just doesn’t count as drinking all day. Buffalo is not doing very well and the score at the half is like 17 to 3 or something. We go blow a couple of bones at halftime to put a whole new perspective on the game and the day. Buffalo ends up making it respectable, but they still lose 37 to 24 to Washington.

We are feeling very zoned out but we must go see Tabtim, our friendly travel agent. AJ's manages to switch his name for Phil so he is on our flight to Vietnam with Dave, so we're all set for the 8th – our last available day in Thailand. (This may be the next story but I’m not sure how to tackle it yet.)

We go to American Express to check mail then we move to the Merry V Guest House and settle in, have dinner and watch movies. Tonight is “Highlander 2“. 

Tuesday January 28th.

Sleep in, then shower we are supposed to pick up our tickets at Tabtim’s. But when we actually see Tabtim she says that they're all out of ticket stock so they can't issue the tickets and we’ll have to wait until tomorrow night. Imagine someone from 2020 encountering this and they’d be like, “What the fuck is ticket stock?” For those folks, ticket stock is the blank tickets that airline tickets were printed on. Yes, printed, by a printer. No, we didn’t have e-tickets on our cell phones. Prior to printing, tickets had to be painstakingly etched in stone by dinosaurs. I guess we trust her. We spend the day shopping on Khao San Road then we plan to go to the Thai boxing tonight. However Dave and I aren't really that interested in seeing Thai boxing and Kerry from Indonesia shows up from Kanchanaburi so we all decide to go out to Pad Pong later on and see what all the fuss is about. Pad Pong is the infamous red light district of Bangkok. So we have dinner at the Royal Indian - again - we spend lots of time drinking mekong and then we go.

We all share a doobie for the tuk-tuk ride over there and then ride over for 40 baht. My first impression is a market. All you can see is stalls selling the usual stuff. Then I noticed the clubs and the touts and through the doorway the girls. 

All types of people are here from uncles and aunts to Grandmother's. it's amazing. Dave wants to go do the switch-a-roo on the bum fake Rolex he bought with another fake one at the stalls which would presumably, work. There is a McDonald’s at the far end of the street. Oh yes they're here too. Not too proud to be skimming some profits from the crowds here for the smut. Nothing brings a crowd lie some smut.

Just like in Kings Cross in Sydney and Times Square in New York. 7-Eleven, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut, are all here too. We go and get some munchies and then head on into the melee. 

Caution must be exercised as rip-off ‘s abound, so we choose a place carefully. We are a group of seven, 3 women and 4 men, so we have some strength in numbers. The girls want to see a man on stage. Everyone wants us to come in and offers menus of what the girls will do. We have heard that Lipstick and Pussy Galore are reputable. We go in Lipstick but nothing is happening  - maybe a little too damn reputable – I mean, we are in a red light district so we leave and go to Pussy Galore. 

The tout promises 50 baht beers. It's happening here. Girls dancing topless. Every so often girls leave the stage and one remains and takes off her panties and does a trick with her pussy. We see pussy smoking cigarettes, pussy chopsticks where she picks up three cigarettes with chopsticks, pussy razor blades and others. Pussy ping pong ball was impressive, picking it up with chopsticks and then up sharing it with another girl. Weird, but quite talented in their own way. Not really erotic at all.

We all order up beers but when we try to pay they say they are 100 baht each. That’s another thing that we’ve been warned about – do not run up a tab, pay for each beer when you get them and before you’ve consumed them. Ok great, so there it is. We find our tout and complain. The door guy says beers are a hundred and fifty baht each. It's getting worse. We decide to make a break for it. Greta goes to the door but the door guy is blocking it with his hand on the knob. I go join Greta not quite sure what is up. I try to get out but his hand is on the doorknob. Now I know what's up and I'm pissed. I slap his hand off the knob, wrench the door open and blast out. Everyone follows me. I'm shaking with anger. There are dudes on the steps and one tries to stop me, but I push him away. He says he's the police and I just laugh at him. Back in the street, I still want to see a show but it's 3 a.m. and everyone else is tapped out, but the adrenaline has got me amped. We get a tuk tuk for 50 baht back to Khao San Road and end up crashing.

Sleep until noonish and I go shopping with AJ and Greta. I buy a great magnetic chess set. Dave and Chris and Kerry and Trish were up until the dawn, so they are worthless today. After donuts and shopping I come back and take a nap. Get up late afternoon and prepare for an evening of Indian food and videos. Already the word mekong has been mentioned so it may be ugly because you just never know when mekong is involved. Six of us, Dave, Trish, AJ, Kenny and Greta go to the Royal India and drink a bottle of mekong. AJ, Greta and I then say goodbye to the others - they're going to Koh Samui, which has recently had several cases of dengue fever so we wish them well. We watch “Sleeping with the Enemy” at the bar.

The next day Greta wants me to get up for a day of sightseeing but I don't feel well. So instead of sightseeing we order tailor made suits. I'm going to get a double breasted suit of dark blue English silk/wool blend with an extra pair of trousers and a shirt and a tie for 3,000 baht or 120 bucks. Greta is getting two suits made for 4000 baht. After this we go back to hang out but I have to return very soon for my first fitting already. I think they'll look really excellent. I come back and beat AJ in a game of chess making the score something like 6 to 4 in my favor. I'll usually evening will you finally shower and go out. We need some street food and then wander around searching for a good video. We found Julia Roberts once again and watch “Pretty Woman” while eating pizza and drinking beer.

Which leads us to Friday, January 31st and this is the day that we went to Kanchanaburi and that tale was told in podcast number 3 about Hellfire Pass when we met the Aussie chaps, so that's it for tonight. 

Thanks for listening. We’ll catch up next time down the road.

Recipes for a Thai feast.

Tom Yom Soup

500 g meat of choice (shrimp, chicken, fish, etc.)

8-10 pcs lemon grass - cut 4 cm long

10 fresh lemon leaves (if you can find them)

3 sprigs of green onion – cut 4 cm long

500 g straw mushrooms, peeled and quartered

2 med tomatoes, roughly chopped 

2 limes – quartered

1 tbsp fish sauce, to taste

1 tsp sugar

10 hot chilies, small, crushed but whole

1 med onion, peeled and roughly chopped

Fill a saucepan with 4 cups water and bring to a boil. When the water's boiling toss in the lemongrass and onion. Then add the limes - squeeze the juice in. Add sugar and the tomatoes. Toss in the fish sauce and the mushrooms. Then the chilies and the spring onion. Finally drop in the lemon leaves and remove from heat. 

Serve immediately. Plenty for 4 - quick too!

Pad Thai

500 g rice noodles, cooked

200 g ground pork

250 g ground peanuts

250 g firm tofu, diced

500 g bean sprouts

2 limes, quartered

3 tbsp fish sauce, to taste

100 g dried small shrimp (if you can find them – optional

1 tsp cayenne

2 tbsp sugar – to taste

A splash of dark soy sauce, for color

4 green onion, chopped

500 g bok choy, chopped

Heat oil in a wok add pork and start to brown. While browning add tofu, fish sauce and sugar. When pork is browned, add the noodles and the soy sauce until the color is a nut brown. Add bean sprouts, spring onion, bok choy and prawns. Add more fish sauce and lime to taste. Add peanuts, cook through. Serve with sugar, lime, and peanuts on the side. 

Serves 4. 

Note: the peanuts are a funny sort of texture I think if you bought a bag of Spanish peanuts and put them in the food processor for a few pulses they be about right.

Thai Coconut Curry

500 g boneless chicken breast, cut in pieces and marinated in lime juice

200 ml coconut milk

2 med potatoes, peeled and diced

2 small onions, peeled and roughly chopped

1 tbsp curry powder

1 tbsp chili paste (minced red chilies in oil – very hot!

2 tbsp fish sauce

1 tbsp sugar, to taste

Just cover the bottom of a 2-quart saucepan with oil, about 1 or 2 tablespoons. Heat over medium heat. Add the chili paste when the oil gets hot. Work it in. Add a little coconut milk. Stir in the onions and then the chicken, add a little coconut milk and the curry powder. Add the fish sauce and a little more coconut milk. Throw in the potatoes and the last of the coconut milk and slowly bring to a simmer. Taste and adjust seasonings. Simmer for 20 minutes. Serve over rice.

Serves 4

If it gets too thick, thin it out with some water.

So there you have it, a lovely three-course Thai banquet that is very fast and easy!

Just remember when adjusting the seasonings that Thai food aims to achieve a balance of hot, sour, salty and sweet.