Embracing Self-Love and Setting Boundaries in the Latine Culture

Struggling to navigate the delicate balance between personal needs and the weight of cultural expectations, I've walked the challenging path towards embracing self-love and asserting my own boundaries. Today's heartfelt discussion unwraps the multifaceted layers of setting limits within the vibrant context of Latine culture, sharing the insight that sometimes, putting yourself first isn't just okay; it's necessary for growth. 

Embark with us as we traverse the intricate landscape of boundary-setting, from the tangible to the emotional, and even in the digital realm. I open up about the dance between honoring our heritage and cultivating our individuality, addressing the guilt and self-worth battles that come with the territory. Join us for an inspiring session that promises not just stories of personal transformation but also a roadmap for clear communication and the courage to rewrite the narrative of our lives, maintaining respect for our roots while confidently authoring our own journey.

Enter a world of fear, resilience, and generational trauma in "The Devil That Haunts Me". Follow Isabella and Julitza as they confront their demons in a tale of suspense, mystery, and the supernatural.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Welcome to this new season of have a Cup of Joani podcast. In this season, we are embarking on an exciting journey, one of shameless learning. We're tossing out the fear of judgment and embracing curiosity with open arms, whether it's exploring new ideas, tackling challenging topics or learning from our missteps, we're doing it all without shame or inhibition. Can't wait for y'all to listen to this. Hola people, hello everyone, welcome to have a Cup of Joani. This February, we are all about self-love, self-care. That is the theme for this Friday and I'm so excited about this theme. And last week we talked about what did we talk about, folks? Words of affirmation. I remember we talked about words of affirmation and how they have the power to build you up or tear you down, and we want to use these words of affirmation to build ourselves up or build somebody up. And this Wednesday we said and this is what we're doing we're talking about boundaries. I started February talking about the Latin culture and how it is very hard to say no, and so, for me, setting boundaries is an ongoing struggle, ongoing folks, and I think it's going to be something that I struggle with and I work on for the rest of my life, because it is so ingrained in me to put myself second and put children, husband, family, basically everybody else, the whole culture, before me, because that's what we do as women in a Latina community. We take care of everyone else but us. And if you didn't catch it on the last episode, just know that I am reading Self-Care for Latinas 100 plus ways to prioritize and rejuvenate your mind, body and spirit, and this is written by the fabulous Raquel Richard and Asada Jones. I may be saying those last names or names wrong and I am so sorry about that, but check out Self-Care for Latinas. It's out, it's everywhere. I saw it on threads and that was like yes, I'm getting it, because this is something that I'm going to talk about in February on my podcast and this is something that I have struggled with.

Speaker 1: 3:07

Back to setting boundaries, because we got to start setting boundaries like a boss Boundaries. They come in many forms, folks. It is the physical boundaries, the emotional boundaries, even the digital ones, like when you blog people on social media, you tell them hey, no, you can't see my social media. Right, that's a boundary in there. It is so hard for me not impossible, but hard because throughout my entire life, the theme of sacrifice as a Latina woman has been ingrained since I was very little, the example that I saw from my grandma as she raised me. It's all about sacrifice, self-sacrifice, self-sacrifice and I think, up to a certain extent it's good.

Speaker 1: 4:03

The Latina culture is very community-centric culture, family-centric culture, where it's like we are all working towards a bigger goal that comes from that community as opposed to personal ones. But I think we take it to a point where we lose ourselves and we end up not having anything personal to hold on to and the only thing that we have is just the community. But we all know that the community is the community because of the individual people in it and what they bring to the table. But when you lose yourself, when you lose your essence, then what is your identity? How can the community understand the identity if you have become the community? Super deep, right, super deep. That's how I conceptualize it and that's how I try to top myself into maintaining my essence, my individualism. Who am I, while still being a member of the community and still bringing something to the table and still going towards those shared community goals? I think community living is best. I lean more towards that than the rugged individualism. But I'm also an advocate for having your own creativity pursuits, your own hobbies and things of that nature. You don't yourself does not have to be everything for the community. The community has so many individuals in it. All the individuals together are the community. If that makes sense, all right.

Speaker 1: 5:52

So when it comes to physical boundaries, I think for me that has been the easier thing to enforce, and that is because it's more external right. It's more like hey, no, I don't want you here. No, give me space. I've been known to be very vocal about that. Whenever I feel like my space being violated, I'm very quick to like hey, backup, backup. It is just like it almost becomes automatic when I say it. So, protecting my personal space, my physical personal space, it's very easy for me.

Speaker 1: 6:40

When it comes to protecting my feelings, I think that's where I struggle, because then it forces me to talk about them and accept them, analyze and conceptualize them so that way I can enforce this boundary, or even to understand why I need a boundary there. All these things need to take place. You see, and it's all about these type of conversations when you say this, it makes me feel this Can you please stop that right there, that I'm like why is that so hard for me and it makes me feel guilty because I don't wanna hurt the other person's feeling, and a lot of the times when the other person gets defensive, then it makes me feel guilty as well, because then I'm like, oh God, I did that, I made them feel mad, I made them feel this way or that. You know, it's my fault why they feel that way and that's why it's hard to assert myself when it comes to this. And I think some of it may be because maybe deep inside I still hold on to that belief that perhaps I am not worthy to be accepted fully or perhaps I deserve that emotional lashing from that other individual, you see. So these are tough things to think about and to like, strategize in your mind and understand, because it's so deep and if you have hidden certain things from yourself, it forces you to look at them now when we're talking about emotional boundaries. That's why this one is a toughie for me, and this is something that I'm still working on definitely still working on because it is so important, because when your emotions are derailed, for me I don't know about you it's almost like my entire day has just gone to crap, especially if the emotions have been derailed so badly that I can't I don't have the mental agility to like come back to center. You know, I think that's when this becomes even harder. But this is why this is so important to have emotional boundaries. So there's a link, right, there's a link to boundaries and mental health. Now we just said, right, there's different types physical, emotional and digital boundaries. From now on, when I say boundaries, it really means all of these the physical, the emotional or the digital, all right, but the link between boundaries and mental health and you heard me saying it right, it's validating that your needs, whether it's physical, whether it's emotional, whether it's whatever, that they matter.

Speaker 1: 10:15

I said this on the previous episode when we don't take care of ourselves and we start listening to that voice, that inner voice that we have, that voice gradually gets lower until it's a whisper and then you can't hear it anymore. Why? Because through our actions of not listening to ourselves and what things make us feel, such as forcing ourselves to go to a get together that you just don't have the spoons for anymore then you force yourself again to go to another event, then you're forcing yourself to go like for me when I was a kid right, like translate for somebody else, then you force yourself then to do this other thing for somebody else, right? Then your auntie calls you and she wants you to look at her bill, and then you say yes to that. You see, so all these behaviors are teaching your inner self that your space, your time, your schedule does not matter.

Speaker 1: 11:39

And then I go back to like, while you're taking care of the community, you're taking care of auntie, you're taking care of friend, you're taking care of all these people, you're not taking care of yourself. Then if the community is the community because you're one of those members, then the community is lacking as well. So that's why boundaries it's so important to our mental health. Everything is intricately connected. Everything is intricately connected and it's just part of our well-being and what we need in order to be present in this world and to be present with a better state of mind in this world, because we can be present all day long, but our mind and our inner voice are just like raging. They're somewhere else or they just have gone so quiet because you just stopped listening to them all together, you see. So remember that. Remember that when you're asking yourself should I say yes to this or should I say no?

Speaker 1: 12:48

And when I read the book Setting Boundaries, find Peace, I found a passage in there where the author was saying like sometimes you don't even have to give a reason, you know, and that is so hard. So in the Latina community that is so hard because it is so expected of you to say yes to family events, to responsibilities and all of this. So when you say no, it's almost like you better have a good excuse. You better be dying and even if that, suck it up right, take un tesecito tomate, un te, drink a cup of tea and come on down. We're good. So, but that's in the culture that's been ingrained. Like you better have a good excuse as to why you're not coming to auntie's birthday or as to why you're not coming to this baptism. You see, because it's like we don't care about your schedule, we don't care about your mental health, or how do you feel you will fulfill your family responsibilities, your family duties, and you will smile and be happy while you're doing it. Oh God, I'm laughing. But this is no laughing matter. This is very sad. It is very sad. But you see how that link between setting boundaries and mental health is there, right? Just imagine being that person that can say no.

Speaker 1: 14:22

I used to be that person. Oh my God, where are my people pleasers at? I used to be that person and it was so frustrating. You don't understand. I grew so bitter, so bitter that I had no spoons for anyone. I had no spoons for the community. I didn't even know who I was and what I liked as a member of the community, because I had given it all. Given it all, made the ultimate sacrifice, sacrificed myself. That is horrible. That is horrible to do. You can be in community and be yourself. Both things can happen. You can be in community and be a whole person with your whole interests own interests, own likes, own hobbies, all of that. But we gotta be able to articulate boundaries. That's part of communication. It's gotta be tough.

Speaker 1: 15:31

And, like I said, going back to this book, the author said you don't even have to have an excuse, just say no, just say no. I remember the first time I said no, I was so scared, so scared, you know. And in the book she says you can say I would love to, but if that makes it easier, as opposed to saying no. And I said no first because it's just like when I was in the moment and I was so scared of rejection because that's the fear in me If I say no, they're gonna reject me, I'm not gonna be part of this community any longer, and that's what's going through my head, right? So I just said no, because that's like the one word that I could utter. And I remember seeing this other person's face and their facial expression and I'm like, oh my God, they're gonna kill me. Because I said no, all of these things, right, we're going through my head and that's all that I said. And then they asked me why. I gave them some bullshit answer or something like that.

Speaker 1: 16:36

This was my first time, folks, my first time actually standing up to my boundaries, actually studying a boundary with somebody else, and I think I stuttered, I mumbled through it and whatnot, and then I just physically got away. It was very awkward, it was a very awkward thing to do for me, but I did it. And once the embarrassment and the awkwardness got out of my system, got out of my body, then I felt something else. I felt free, I felt relieved, I felt happy because I was like I just got time back, because in my mind, when I received this invitation, I had already given up that time for this. So when I fought with myself and I finally said no to this person, I was so relieved. I was like I have this time now. And then, of course, questions like what am I gonna do with this time now? Well, what does one do after one says no? And all this stuff, right? Yeah, all of that came out later, but in that moment, right after the awkwardness left me, it was freeing. It was so joyful, oh goodness. I don't know how else to explain it, but to explain it that way to y'all Now I have gotten better. Right, that was my first instant.

Speaker 1: 18:07

Little by little I continued on that trend. It wasn't always, it didn't always happen. Sometimes I said yes even when I didn't want to. It was kind of like falling out of a habit and then going back into that habit. I did that for a few years and now I'm more fluent in the art of saying no. The guilt is still there. I don't think the guilt is going away, but it's not as prevalent and it doesn't make me mumble or fumble my words.

Speaker 1: 18:39

And now I'm so good that I just say no with a straight face. And because they see the confidence in my know, they don't even ask me for a reason anymore. That's my evil laugh. That's my evil laugh. Oh yes, they don't even ask me for a reason anymore. I'm like, ooh, I made it in this setting boundaries, you know. But you see how I kind of like I tie that into being a wicked witch and all of that, because I'm still inside of me, I'm still equating boundaries with being that the bad guy would be, that mean witch, that bad person. But don't fall for that. Don't fall for that. That's just me still dealing with my inner demons and what was taught to me as a child. Don't believe that Setting boundaries, you're the hero of your story. You're still a good person.

Speaker 1: 21:51

Set those boundaries, people, okay, but you got to communicate them effectively. And you heard me say how I fumble through those words and it's okay. You're gonna fumble the first time. If you are a recovering people, please are like myself. You're gonna fumble and it's okay. Just expect that going in, so that way it doesn't shock you and you can fumble through it, expect it and then just talk to yourself positively and do it again when the time comes and somebody offers for you to do something or asks you to do something and you just don't want to do it or cannot do it. You're more able now to say no, but you got to get through that first fumble. You got to fumble that ball that first time in order to catch it effectively. And, like I said, it has to do with communication and it has to be direct, direct and clear communication. Do not, by any means, do not, talk indirectly when you're trying to set boundaries.

Speaker 1: 22:52

You see how the author on the setting boundaries finding peace, he was like you can say yes, but I cannot, because I have X, y and Z going on and you can do that. That's a way to do it. If a simple no is just too hard for you to do, and that is okay. But be clear. Be clear so that way that person understands that while you would like to the but how? Like make that tone, but go ahead and bring that, but up. I cannot blah, blah and you can give a reason, or you cannot, you can just leave it, but I cannot. Thank you so much for your offer. Maybe next time, if you want them to be hopeful or if you feel like you want to say that, so that way they don't stop asking you, or something like that. You can do that, but you got to communicate it directly. It doesn't mean because some people is like, yeah, I'm going to be direct but then they're an asshole, it doesn't mean that you got to be an asshole about it. Being assertive and speaking directly has nothing to do with that. It's just it has everything to do about clear and concise communication. That's all it is, while still being respectful to the other person. Now, if the other person starts getting nasty, then by all means take the gloves off, but think about that direct communication.

Speaker 1: 24:23

And when you find yourself like feeling that guilt, like I did, remind yourself. I often remind myself of how I felt in the past, the end state of just giving it my all to other people, to everyone else but myself, which was that emotion of bitterness, of frustration, of anger. When I remind myself of that time, of that place where I was at when I did that, that like tunes me back in. It kind of reinforces me. It's kind of like that how can I say it? It's like my energy drink or that armor that I can put on and then go back in there to set boundaries again. So if you have that experience, use that. Use that to remind yourself how it felt when you weren't able to set boundaries. So that way it will stop you from setting boundaries. And but continue also to be kind to yourself, right? Because you don't want to be like the bullies that are trying to make you do something that you don't wanna do. You don't wanna be your own bully. However, you do wanna be your own guru and your own coach, so that way you can guide yourself through what works for you. That's for sure. Okay, all right, friends, ooh, setting boundaries. Ha ha ha ha Setting boundaries.

Speaker 1: 25:55

And one last thing that I will say about this is that, just like we talk about checking our budgets every once in a while, doing a reconciliation of our budgets, do that with your boundaries. Go ahead and do a reconciliation of that every once in a while. You know, are they still good? Do you still need them? Are they still working? Is there something that you need to change? Don't I mean don't minimize that. It's always good to understand what is working for you, boundary-wise, and what is not, and then modifying that.

Speaker 1: 26:33

And also, when you're doing that, make sure that you're identifying other people's boundaries so that way you respect them as well, because, just like we want others to respect our boundaries. We got to be able to share the love as well. Right, and respect their boundaries. If somebody is telling you, hey, please don't call me during this time or this time, or they say, hey, I don't have the spoons right now to hear that, can you please just call me at a later time? Or I'll call you when I'm ready to listen to that, respect that, be kind, put yourself in their situation. That's usually what I do, so that way I can empathize with that person and understand what they're going through. I tend to ask if I'm in that position, how would I feel about that? And then that tells me everything I need to know. So do that, so that way you can respect other boundaries as well. All right, now for real. I'm really going to wrap it up, so I hope you learned a little bit about becoming a boundary boss with me.

Speaker 1: 27:44

First of all, some of the things that we talk about is that boundaries are physical, like personal space, emotional protecting your feelings or digital boundaries, like protecting your social media, your blog or whatnot, and that boundaries are intricately linked to our mental health and in order to execute them effectively, we need to have direct communication. Remember that Direct communication, this is an act of self-love and self-respect. Don't forget about that. Okay, don't forget about that. They're not always easy to set. They're going to be cringey and awkward at the beginning, but trust the process, they work and they're always worth it. All right, next week we're diving deep into a topic that is close to my heart and that is overcoming the fear of presenting your authentic self. It's going to be real next Wednesday. Okay, all right, see you next Wednesday. Bye. Thank you so much for listening. I want to hear from you. Leave me a comment, do a rating, if you can, on the podcast, share it with somebody you love, but, most importantly, come back. See you next time. Bye.