Rediscovering Myself: The Journey of Setting Boundaries and Embracing Self-Care

Imagine realizing that constantly saying yes is draining your energy and stealing your peace of mind. That was my wake-up call in my 30s, a pivotal time when I began to understand the importance of setting boundaries. On this episode of "Have a Cup of Johanny," I take you on a deeply personal journey through the hurdles and triumphs that come with prioritizing yourself, especially as a Latina woman dealing with cultural expectations of sacrifice and selflessness. Inspired by Dr. Brene Brown's insights on vulnerability, I share how learning to say no has been both liberating and essential for my mental well-being.

We unpack my ongoing journey to assert my needs, highlighting the significance of small wins that boost our self-esteem. I recount how therapy not only aided my personal growth but significantly benefited my son as well. Sharing lessons from impactful reads like "Act Like a Man," "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No," and "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself," I dive into how these resources guided me in breaking free from traditional roles and discovering the strength to communicate my boundaries clearly. My story is a testament to the transformative power of self-education and the courage it takes to redefine your identity in the face of societal norms.

As we close this enriching chapter, I encourage you to reflect on your own boundaries and take active steps towards recognizing your worth. Embrace self-care, take deep breaths, and don't hesitate to engage with our vibrant podcast community. Subscribe, rate, and leave a review to let us know how

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh, we could, we could fly. Welcome to this new season of the have a Cup of Johani podcast. So I want to title this new season that I'm embarking on with I'm growing, so this is going to be the season of growth and that's what I'm going to share with you throughout the season. So I thank you for coming over here and sitting with me and I hope you enjoy coming over here and sitting with me and I hope you enjoy. Hello everyone.

Speaker 2: 0:30

I'm so happy to be in the booth again and I feel like this month has been really tough, and most of the time I don't feel like coming in here to do this content. So whenever I get a jolt of energy and come in here, for me that is a big win and I take it as a big win. So today, sitting here in front of this mic and talking to y'all is a big win for me and I relish in that Something to talk about for a later episode though how you turn small wins into something big or a celebration, so that way you can feel better about yourself, which is what I'm doing here right now. Today, we are going to continue on the trend of the mental wellness theme that is the theme for July, and on today's third episode of July, we're going to talk about the importance of setting boundaries, which is not a new subject on this podcast, but it is kind of new because I am putting it in line with mental wellness. Are you all ready for this? Of course you are. I mean, why else would you be here listening to me? And it is such an amazing Wednesday or whatever day it is, that you're listening to this, because we get to spend time together. I'm excited. I know you are let's get it.

Speaker 2: 2:21

Setting boundaries has been a game changer for me, especially in my 30s. It was something about my 30s folks. I don't know what happened. It was just like something clicked in me when I went from 29 to 30. No longer in my 30s, by the way, but looking back at that time, I was just like 30s, by the way, but looking back at that time, I was just like I can't do this anymore. I can't continue on with this bullshit anymore. It's like something has got to give. And it was something about embarking on that decade of my life that just felt like not so close to death per se, but it's like. It was like this thing where, like, I am now a full grown up, like if you don't feel like a full grown up in your 30s, I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 2: 3:12

I mean, respect your own timelines, right, but for me, my 30s was like I am a grown up now I need to start doing grown up things, and I really took on that ferociously, aggressively so, and for me, my 30s was a turning point in my life and one of the big things that I implemented was setting boundaries and saying no more often to other people and saying yes to myself more often to other people and saying yes to myself, and I guess I started becoming more selfish at that time. But people have negative connotation when it comes to the word selfish. I use it often because I want to take that negative connotation out of the word selfish. Selfish particularly when it comes to the things that I do to give myself love and validate my feelings and make myself happy. Other people, especially in the Latina community that is something that I have talked about quite a lot which is a community that kind of relish on the sacrifice, particularly the sacrifice of mothers and women in the household or people that embody women roles in the household. My culture is big on sacrifice, right when it comes to people that hold those roles. So I am a rebel when I say I became selfish in my 30s and I started to put myself first in my 30s, and I understand that and that's another reason why I say it a lot because I want to break away from that mentality of women must sacrifice themselves and their happiness. I started breaking away from that by setting boundaries, but let's start this episode by understanding what boundaries are Boundaries also particularly for women. And remember, folks, I am talking from my experience here. That's the only thing that I can talk about. So if you have similarities that you experience from the things that I'm talking about, that's wonderful. That's exactly what I'm trying to do here is to connect with folks through those similarities that we find in our stories. And we're going to have similarities, whether we share the same culture or same ethnicity or the same race, because we are humans, after all, and there's so many similarities when it comes to the human experience. And that's why I want to connect, because I want to connect with other human beings going through same or similar things. But, like I said, let's understand what boundaries are, and boundaries are the limits we set ourselves in our relationships or in our daily interactions to protect our well-being.

Speaker 2: 6:15

Someone that I have read and listened to before. That is quite popular and at times problematic. That is quite popular and at times problematic, depending on the blog you may read or the content that you are trying to understand, or perhaps it's just because this person is human right. We are all very complex in that way. Nevertheless, dr Brene Brown, which I started to read her vulnerability books and texts, articles and TED Talks and that's how she came into my interview Because I was like what is this?

Speaker 2: 6:59

This, like all these headlines about vulnerability just kept popping up, kept popping up. And I remember during a road trip with my husband, we just devoured two or three of this lady's audiobooks and I was like, oh, wow, and it was something about being empowered by being vulnerable and sharing a side of you that can be relatable to others, while still kind of like opening yourself up in a vulnerable matter, but not in a way where you're like slopping that shit on somebody else so they can feel sorry for you, right? I always I'm not going to use the word hate, but I have always this like when I get pity from other people, like that is not something that I strive to do, even if I'm going through something rough. I see pity clouding that person's eyes and sometimes I'd be like, please don't pity me, like that's not going to be helpful to me, don't do that, don't do that. Don't do that. Empathize, but please don't ever feel pity for me. You are putting me down when you do that, because I am more than capable of coming through the other end and it's just I don't know, maybe it's my pride, but something about pity that is just very disrespectful to me. But, yeah, please don't feel pity, okay, but yeah. So that's how Dr Brene Brown came into my purview through her renowned talks about vulnerabilities. But she wasn't just talking about vulnerabilities. She was also describing boundaries, which, if you have heard me talk about breaking away from Latina cultural norms, one of those being self-sacrifice. And when you self-sacrifice, it's almost like you are eroding your own boundaries, just destroying them, just smashing them to the ground and putting dirt over it as if they were never there. And something about Dr Brene Brown's talks and books about being vulnerable that also tie into boundaries. And Dr Brene Brown, she describes boundaries as a way to ensure that we have control over our lives and the respect we deserve. And this is big. This is big.

Speaker 2: 9:28

I've read somewhere that respect is a sign of love and I don't know. I wish I could remember I read so many things all at once and I digest so much information at a time that I forget where it comes from, and then I just keep on reading, sometimes about the same subject, that I start different information into a cohesive idea and sometimes in my mind everything just melts together. But then the thing is I forget where each of those ideas that I melded into one came from. So you will often hear me say I read it somewhere. But I read that somewhere.

Speaker 2: 10:09

I think I was researching something about educating your adult son, or something to that matter. Because that's something that I'm embarking on, which is being able to influence and educate my adult son while still imparting things that I've learned on him in the hopes that his life will unfold a little easier than mine, but completely understanding that he is his own person and he is allowed to make the mistakes that he needs to make in order to have his own lessons learned in his life, which will just catapult him into the place where he's meant to be or where he wants to be really. And I read somewhere that I need to allow those things to happen and that's how I will show respect and therefore love for my adult child. And that is very hard for me to do because growing up in a place where self-sacrifice were big and therefore not having a boundaries was a thing then, because I was okay with other people doing it to me. I see myself doing it unto others, particularly doing it to my son and to my husband, so inadvertently, as I started to learn how to set boundaries and force boundaries and sustain boundaries in my own life, I started to see how I needed to do the same thing to others and allow others to do the same thing to me, and that is something that I told my son not too long ago. I've said it several times to him, but I reminded him when we was in the car ride together a few days ago and I was like look, by all means, let me know when I overstep. I was like you have your own boundaries to set. And then you set those and you enforce them Even with me, with dad, with your siblings, with your friends, with everyone really around you. You have your own boundaries, you're allowed to set those, and if you don't want to do something, let me know. And I am supposed to respect that. Those were tough words to say and to swallow, by the way, from somebody who grew up the way that I grew up, but I'm telling you this so that way, if you do share that, if you do relate to that kind of growing up lifestyle as I do, there is hope for all of us. We can overcome this, we can learn how to set boundaries and all of that. While at the beginning it's gonna be rough, I do believe because I'm starting to see that eventually, if you continue to do that, enforce it and sustain those boundaries, eventually it gets to be something that comes from a loving place, from a respectful place, and it becomes easier to enforce and to sustain. And eventually those people around you that respect it will stay in your circle, will stay in your life, while those that don't and I hate to say this, if they don't, that means they were never meant to be there then they'll just fall away and then it'll just become easier, your life will become easier.

Speaker 2: 13:31

But, like I was saying, my journey with boundaries began in my 30s when I just realized that I was so overwhelmed, exhausted and I was headed into bitterness island Because I was saying yes to everything and everyone. I think it was this FOMO. Fear of missing out, fear of being left out as well, was part of it, as well as a fear of what they would say. That kept me saying yes to a lot of things that I didn't even want to do. But, most importantly, saying yes to so many of these things left me with no time for myself and I was exhausted.

Speaker 2: 14:22

Exhausted Not only that for the most of my 30s, until I met and married my husband, I was a full-on single parent. So imagine me saying yes to everyone and having the responsibility of taking care of this entire human being, their life, their education, and being extremely exhausted. I was an ineffective parent and I hate to divert from the conversation, but that's another reason why I always advocate for my son to go see a therapist, because I know that there was a good chunk of my parenting where I was exhausted, tired, bitter and angry. So I can only imagine how that felt for my son, why I encourage him and I become this nagging person to him when I remind them of have you set a therapy appointment with the free therapist that you have at college? Are you going to do that? When are you going to do that? Do you want to jump in on my plan so you can see a virtual therapist? You know on BetterHelp? I mean, come on now. So I do that to him. Hopefully he will take me up on this eventually, because I know he has things to get off his chest and I hope that eventually he does that so that way he can catapult his growth as well.

Speaker 2: 15:49

Nevertheless, going back to my journey with boundaries, this contest state of overcommitment, like completely took a toll on my mental health and, like I said something about my 30s, it was like this snap right, you're an adult now, joa, you got to do adult things, you got to start acting like an adult, and one of those things I felt was being able to say no. Thank God, at least I was self-aware enough to know at that time that I was not proficient at saying no to others. I was very much yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And one of the first steps that I took was educating myself. I've said this many times and if you know me in real life, you know that the way that I learn is by reading. If I need to know something, I'll get a book from the library, I'll get a book from the bookstore, I'll read about that subject so that way I can digest it and understand it, and then I'll put certain things into play from that book and then that kind of like covers the practical aspect of learning from me, but it usually always starts with a book, with a manual, and that's what I did. So I read first.

Speaker 2: 17:12

It was like these how to be a single woman book, you know, kind of like setting boundaries in my romantic relationships, and I think act like a man was one of the first ones, and I know I know so old school, right. But something about acting like a man gave me the okay to take full ownership of my wants, because this is how I visualize that. This is how I understood that. Once again, right, I come from a Latina culture where I'm a woman, I am in a woman role, I am a single mom, so it's almost like my identity. My wants are not for me to decide, it's for somebody else to decide right. But when I read Think Like a man by Steve Harvey, it almost gave me the okay to put my wants first, as a man does, because that's what I grew up seeing Like a man, you can do whatever you want, right.

Speaker 1: 18:18

Whatever?

Speaker 2: 18:19

you want no consequences, no repercussions. You can do whatever, you can be happy, whatever, whatever. And I saw growing up as a woman that you weren't allowed to do that. So when I read that book that gave me the okay to do and want what I want, and when I gave myself that okay, that meant that I can say no to whatever was not aligned with my wants. And it's something freeing about that, folks, and I hope, if you're like chained up like how I was back then, that this is your sign right To break away from that mindset, because you don't have to think like a man. You can just think like yourself and do the things that you want to do and say yes to the things you want to say yes and say no to the things you don't want to do, and let it be completely okay with other people because it's completely okay for you. For me at that time, because I was not as self-aware yet it took that book for me to put two and two together and to understand and put myself in the mindset of a man, so that way I can feel free to do the things that I wanted to do, and that is really how that journey started for me, believe it or not like cosplaying in my mind, as if I was this man in a business suit and I was, like you know, making my own choices and like being like this really badass person. And that's what it took. But I ran with that. I ran with that.

Speaker 2: 19:51

Eventually, I read specific books about boundaries you know later on Boundaries when to Say yes, how to Say no by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. And there were other books Hold on, let me read it. Another one, a most recent one for me, said Boundaries Find Peace by Dr Nedra Glover Tawam as well. That was really good. I read that and then I listened to that as well. And if you know me, you know that I do that quite often, especially on books that I find a lot of things that I can digest on. I like to either read them in tandem or I do the reading and then I do the audiobook, so that way I can digest the information fully. And there's others and I think I'm going to put that on the description for you all. So that way, in case you are interested and you're like me, that you like to read, to digest information, then you can tap into these books, and sometimes when I put books on my description, I am an affiliate with bookshoporg, so you will see those links there and it's no additional cost to you. But I do get a bit of a kickback if you do use my links to buy those books and I'll be really appreciative if you do so. Thank you in advance.

Speaker 2: 21:09

Nevertheless, going back into the subject, it started like that. It started like that with me Cosplaying in my mind as if I was that badass man making decisions for my own happiness. And here are some of the takeaways that I took from the readings that I did back then. The readings that I did back then, and that was to communicate clearly. This was hard. This was hard, so it came very slowly for me, not because I'm not a good communicator, but because it was cringy to me. And because it was cringy, because it felt so cringy and I had those big cringy emotions, it meant that I wanted to procrastinate or mumble my way through it, because I still felt as if I was not worthy to feel good, to have those boundaries to assert myself in the things that I want to do. So because of that, that showed in my communication. So it took so long for me to be more assertive and more clear in my wording Now.

Speaker 2: 24:28

It's very easy for me to say no, and sometimes it takes people at back because it's just a simple no. I laugh at it because it's like coming from where I came from in my early 30s, right, when it was like a mumble and it was like it took like 10 minutes for me to get this no out, because I will also give like heavy reasons why, to the point where I was like putting excuses in there so that way people can finally like just get off my back about it. Right, and to the point where I'm at now, which is just a simple no. And people sometimes just waiting there for more context, more information, and I just like look at them and shake my head no, it's funny to me because of the looks I get sometimes, but that's all right, that's what boundaries are. It's OK to say no. It's OK to say no, I don't want that and that's it. And it's OK to not have a reason as to why. You just know what you want, you know what you don't want, and that why you just know what you want, you know what you don't want, and that's okay, and you should have that expectation of others respecting that, and if they don't, that tells you more about that person than it does about yourself, folks. So remember that right. If you say no and people are not respecting that, something is wrong with that person. So you know, make sure that you approach that in that way. Nothing wrong with your boundaries, right, or what you just said, a no is a no is a no, but something is wrong with that person and they should want to fix that and have a bit of an introspective moment with themselves so that way they can go ahead and review their actions and do better next time, because boundaries are healthy for all, for everyone.

Speaker 2: 26:06

Another key takeaway that I took from these early books that I read was I was starting to recognize my limits. This is when I started to understand that I am not a go go go person. This is when I started recognizing that there is a bit of an introvert in me that needs to have a long time to recharge. This is when I started to understand that. Can you imagine? So I went my entire life until my 30s not understanding that I needed a long time to recharge. I was completely exhausted, running on fumes, people being around a lot of people because that's what other people wanted me to do going into play dates immediately after going into kind of like a friend's thing, not understanding that I'll be so depleted to the point where I will get angry and shouting, as opposed to giving myself a break in between events so that way I can recharge. It was a hot mess at times because I was going, going, going, trying to please everyone but not recharging myself. That is wild. Folks Don't do that, don't do like me, All right. But that's something that I learned at that time that I needed that. I needed that alone time to recharge and looking back at it, I'm like golly, that was horrible, that was horrible.

Speaker 2: 27:31

Another thing that I learned was to stay consistent, just like communicating clearly. That was something that took a lot of time because it was like an accordion effect, it was like the caterpillar effect. I got good. Then I will revert back when I will feel super guilty or my child will give me the puppy eyes about something and I to please them, because that mommy guilt was real as well because I was working a lot I will go back and but then I will have a poor reaction and I will kind of like AR myself, review my actions again and then go back and fix it. Then I will have a poor reaction and now, kind of like AR myself, review my actions again and then go back and fix it. It was like a back and forth until it became consistent where I was more consistent with my boundaries. Mind you, I still sometimes go back and don't enforce my boundaries, and it could be when I'm physically tired or mentally exhausted. You know where that happens. I kind of revert back a little bit, but then it's not as bad as when I started, because now I have more experience quote unquote on doing this, because I have more on the job, training on it and because I have that muscle memory now. But it's still.

Speaker 2: 28:44

There are times where I say yes to things that I should say no. But I quickly acknowledge that and either do if it's something that I cannot back out from I just do a meditation exercise, something to recharge myself, because now I understand that I should recharge myself before going into certain events and so forth. So I have quick fixes in place for when I do make a mistake, which will happen. Okay, but making a mistake is not the end of the world. It's just something to acknowledge and something to learn from, so that way you can put a mitigation strategy in place so it won't happen again. And it will happen again, right, maybe in another way. And once again we go back to acknowledging, making a strategy and then doing better next time. That's all that we can do in life period and in everything that you do. Remember that. Acknowledge what you did, have a mitigation strategy to either continue that good behavior or to mitigate bad behavior and put it into something that is good and productive for you and move on, move on. That is it. But what helps me stay consistent with setting boundaries is understanding that I need to protect my emotional energy. This reminder in the back of my head helps me to have the strength, per se, to say no.

Speaker 2: 30:14

So according to psychologist Dr Nedra Glover-Tawap, author of Setting Boundaries and Find Peace, a Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, which I highly recommend, boundaries are a form of self-care. She emphasizes that without boundaries, we risk becoming resentful, like I just told you, right Burnt out and disconnected from our true selves. And that right there, being disconnected from our true selves, that's something, that's a place where we don't want to be. I believe that I was getting close to that and I am so thankful and grateful for coming across those books in my 30s and having kind of like that moment where I knew a change needed to occur and that change needed to occur by me. But yeah, another crucial aspect of boundaries is the whole point of saying no people. Like I said, it's, it's gonna be challenging, it's gonna take time. You're gonna find yourself dragging and mumbling, like how I did, especially if you have that people pleaser personality I used to have. But remember, saying no to others just means that you're going to say yes to yourself, to the things that you want to do, and you can start small, with low stakes situations, and then build yourself up.

Speaker 2: 31:40

Or I know Dr Glover Tawa. She has a good exercise in there where she has us write down a good script to have with you. She was like you can say I would love to, but, and I like that. I like that phrase because to me it just felt a little bit more polite, a little softer way of saying it, and that is something that I use with young people. My stepchildren give me those puppy eyes on certain things, but when I get the puppy eyes, a good one, a good verbiage to use is I would love to, but, and then you put in there the reason why not, and it could be like a quick, a quick verbiage. That's it. That doesn't take that long. But with everything it's good to be direct, firm, and that doesn't mean yelly. A lot of people think, like firm means yelly, it doesn't mean yelly. Just be direct, so that way there's no gray area in there for the other person to hold on to.

Speaker 2: 32:47

If you want I often don't do this Offer alternatives, and you may need to do this at the beginning, when you're starting to set boundaries If you've never done so, like how I used to be, and then practice self-compassion. When you say no, go celebrate. Practice self-compassion. When you say no, go celebrate, Go celebrate. Do a happy dance. That's usually what I do, because I can't take myself out for ice cream because I'm lactose, I know, but you can do that right. Do a little dance, catch your favorite show, do your favorite yoga pose or go meditate. Do something that you want to do Buy yourself that book you've been wanting to buy. Take yourself out for a coffee date at your favorite local coffee shop. Do those things so that way you are rewarding yourself and your brain remembers ooh, when I do this I get something good, kind of like the Maslow thing. Right, do that.

Speaker 2: 33:49

But setting boundaries is an ongoing process, folks. It's not something you do once. Okay, you heard me saying how I had the caterpillar growth when it comes to this, so don't expect an overnight success when it comes to this. It's not going to happen that way. Be realistic with yourself. Know that setting boundaries is going to require continuous self-reflection and adjustment, a lot of introspection.

Speaker 2: 34:16

Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey, and it's okay to make mistakes. It's so okay to make mistakes. Please let yourself off the hook when you make mistakes and learn from them. That's what this whole podcast is about, people, how I learn from my mistakes. This is your sign that it is okay to make mistakes and learn from them. And if you're struggling to set boundaries or you need tips on maintaining healthy relationships, save this episode and come back to it, because this episode is for you. But please embrace the power of boundaries and see how they can truly transform your mental health and overall quality of life and people. Vasitos gente, thank you for joining me today and remember to check out the show notes for links to the books that I mentioned and other resources that I mentioned here, and until next time, do this for me real quick, take a deep breath and set those boundaries.

Speaker 2: 35:28

You deserve it. Before you go, don't forget to subscribe, rate and leave a review if you enjoyed this episode and the other episodes. See you next week for another installment of the have a Cup of Johnny podcast. Bye.

Speaker 1: 35:54

Thank you so much for listening. I want to hear from you. Leave me a comment, do a rating, if you can, on the podcast, share it with somebody you love, but, most importantly, come back. See you next time. Bye.