(0:20) Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement so you can flourish as a special needs mom. Each week Sara, Amy, and Carrie will explore a theme, share inspiring stories, practical tips, and encouragement for you to use on your journey. Thank you for being here today.
(1:03) Hi there, it's Carrie today. During the month of March, our theme is self-care for the special needs mom. We want you to join us for the Self-care Challenge. All you need to do is snap a photo that shows a way you are caring for yourself, whether it's for your mind, body, or soul. Then label it with the #takeheartselfcare and tag us @takeheartspecialmoms. We want to start a movement of self-care for the special needs mom. Please join us.
(1:32) So I have to be honest when I saw what our theme was for this month, I cringed. Self-care has become a bit of a buzzword in recent years. It feels, well...it feels selfish. I don't do self-care very well. I am a go-getter. I feel more productive, and I don't feel as worthy if I'm resting. I would rather be doing, doing, doing, and going, going, going. Sometimes I think it's because I take the role of caregiver over the top. Even when I was little, I felt the role of caring for everyone. I am the oldest of three girls, and I was definitely the bossy older sister. If I had a dime for every time I heard my mom say, “I'm the mom, Carrie. Let me be the mom.” I would be a millionaire. Now I hear myself saying that to my own children. Being a caregiver can be exhausting: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But sometimes I think if we're honest, we like it. At least I do. It's nice to be needed, to feel wanted. I also like being in control, or at least the illusion of being in control. Sometimes I also think as special needs moms, we play the role of the caregiving martyr. What do I mean by that term? It's this idea that no one can possibly understand everything we have to go through. Our life is so hard, so we put on this mask of trying to be independent, trying to be strong. We can do it all. We can handle it all. We don't need anyone. That's when it comes all crashing down because we can't do it all. We can't and shouldn't handle it all. In those moments, as I'm spinning all the proverbial plates in the air, trying to keep them going, they begin to spin out of control. Usually it's my health plate that crashes to the floor first and shatters. Maybe it's yours too. You find yourself stressed or with adrenal fatigue, post traumatic stress syndrome. We have to accept that we cannot do it all. We can't do it alone. We need God and others, our friends, our spouses. We need help. We need space. We need rest, and we need to care for ourselves.
(4:05) God teaches us a lot about rest, renewal, and rhythms in both the Old and New Testament especially with the Sabbath. God gave us the Sabbath. In Genesis when God was creating the world, there was a rhythm of work and stopping at the end of the day to evaluate what he created. Then he chose rest on the seventh day. This wasn't because God was tired. The Sabbath was created for us. In the book Choosing Rest by Sally Breedlove, she gives several definitions of Sabbath or Shabbat. Now I am not a Greek scholar, so please do not hold my Greek pronunciations against me. I've never taken Greek. She says, “From God’s point of view, rest is not an accessory blessing. Our lives are meant to flow from a solid garden core of spacious inner quiet.” She then goes on to explain some different meanings of the word Sabbath or Shabbat. One meaning is “to stop.” In human terms that means to take a break. It also means to celebrate. God showed us that when he evaluated his days of creation declaring them good and then very good. He celebrated his work. He took stock of what he had done. The last meaning is “to suffer to be lacking”. I’ve got to be honest with that last definition, I had to think about it awhile. It does not seem very restful. She explains that it's the idea that there is still work to be done. Things are going to be left unfinished, but as Sallie says it we can, “find rest in the incompleteness of the present moment as we learn to recognize the goodness of what is and as we trust that what is needed for the future will be added at the proper time.” I think we all realize this. The truth is, there always will be more work to be done. There will always be more care to be given, phone calls to make, doctor's appointments to schedule, therapy appointments to get to, and school. There's always school. I think sometimes the realization that some of our children may not grow up and be independent apart from us, and we will be care-giving for them for their entire lives and ours can be really overwhelming. There is always work to be done, but we need to choose to rest. We need to choose self-care. We need to take our Sabbath: to stop, to celebrate, and to trust that what needs to happen tomorrow will happen at the right time.
Jesus was also our example in this. In the book of Mark, there are several accountings of him going away to a desolate place to pray and to rest. He tells the apostles in Mark 6, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest awhile. For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.” (Mark 6:31). That Greek word for rest, I looked it up, and it means anapauow. It means, “to permit one to cease from any movement or labor in order to recover and collect his strength, to refresh, to give rest, to keep quiet, to give oneself rest. If Jesus told his apostles to take this time, so can we. Did you have a little chuckle at that last part where it says they didn't even have the time to eat? Isn't that true of all of us as special needs moms and moms in general. I love when God puts those little nuggets for us to hold onto.
(7:47) So what is self care and how do we do it? I believe it's the learning process of honoring God by giving ourselves rest in the areas of mind, body, and soul that leave us in a state of being refreshed, recovered and strengthened. We need to remember that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. He dwells in us, and we need to take care of it. Everything we do is an act of worship. Paul said, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (Corinthians 10:31) Self-care is an act of honor. It’s honoring our body and worshipping God by not allowing yourself to be so run down that we cannot function, and that we fall apart.
(8:36) So, how can we get started on self-care? I have The Five “P’s” for Self-Care that I would like to share.
1. Prayer.
Ask God to show you where you need rest and rejuvenation and how to take the time to do it. Maybe it's having a conversation with your spouse, or scheduling an aide, or nurse to take care of your child, or a trusted family member. Is it taking care of your body, mind, or soul? Which area do you need it the most? It's also not allowing the devil to bring guilt or shame about it. Often I have felt that if I take the time to care for myself, it's taking time away from other things that need to get done. But those things are always going to need to be done. We need to take the time to care for ourselves.
2. Plan
Plan the time. If you don't plan it you won't do it. Carve out some time and set a timer. Maybe it's 15 minutes to go for a walk by yourself without your phone, distractions, or any children with you. We do not want to burn out. We want to live a life connected to God and that means caring for our temple, so make a plan.
3. Protect
Protect that time once you have it planned. Don't skip it unless a major emergency comes up. Again, do not allow the devil to bring guilt. I know how we are ladies. we will feel guilty for taking the time to care for ourselves, but we should not. Protect the time.
4. Practice
This means developing a rhythm of rest. It's going to take practice, especially if you have never taken the time before. It’s going to feel weird. It's going to feel like it's wonky. Yeah, that's a word: wonky. Once we get into a rhythm of developing rest, it will become easier over time. It's like a muscle that has to be strengthened. The last “p” is important.
5. Paying attention
Pay attention to your body. I know it can be difficult to schedule time for rest and rejuvenation on a weekly, daily, or monthly basis, especially in the middle of an upheaval in your life. Maybe it's a behavior meltdown, many days in a row where your child is sick, issues with school, or a hospital stay. Pay attention to your body and learn to read the cues of stress. Are your shoulders up? Is your forehead crinkled? Are you getting headaches? I have learned something about myself in the many many times that our son has been admitted to the hospital. After every stay, I am going to crash. I'm going to grieve, and I don't know exactly when it's coming. I know it's going to come. So when I lose it at the poor guy who gets our order wrong in the drive-rhru line, I give myself grace because I know that it's grief. It’s the laying down of the armor that I have constructed around myself to survive the last medical emergency. Then I know that it's time for self-care, to process it, write about it, and maybe go for a walk, exercise, but to do all the things that I couldn't do in the middle of that stay.
(11:56) Lastly think about self-care in the way that God created you with a mind, body, and soul.
Here's a few practical ways that you can do self-care in each of these areas.
1. Mind- keeping a journal and writing has been one of the ways that I do self-care. It helps me to process everything that we've gone through. Maybe yours is doing an audio or a video journal. Reading fiction that doesn't have too many plot twists or suspense. I love just being able to lose myself in a story for a little while. It is very refreshing. Meditating on scripture.
2. What about for the body? Sleep, taking naps when you need them. Sleeping in when that's possible. Don't feel guilty about it, your body needs it. I know in America many of us are sleep deprived. Exercise, deep breathing, walks, and for me it's running. I really enjoy running That's one of the ways that I do self-care
3. Soul - time with God time, time to have a restful mind even when the chaos of our circumstances are surrounding us. What are you doing to care for your soul? Amy Brown, my co-host, has a free download on her website called Seven Steps to Help You Breathe. These have ideas and reflection questions to help you find space for self-care. It is a really great resource. The link will be in our show notes, and I know she will give you even more practical ideas than I have given you today.
(13:31) Lastly, I want to close with this quote from Sally in her book Choosing Rest.
“God has a gift for us, a gift that flows from the very life He enjoys. That gift is rest. A rest that frees us from the cycle of endless doing and allows us to take a break. A rest that invites us to join in celebrating all that is good and beautiful. A rest that assures us that everything is really going to be alright, even though everything is not yet taken care of. A rest that eases our loneliness and allows us to find a true home in God.”
Let me pray for you. Dear father, thank you for all of those who are listening today. I pray that they will take the time for self-care. You will show them what areas they need self care in, that you will provide the people around them, so they can take the time for self-care. That you above all will not allow satan to bring shame and contempt and guilt for when they are caring for themselves. Help them to know that balance of doing, resting and being in your presence. In your son's name, amen.
(14:52) Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. Don't forget, we have the Self-care Instagram Challenge going on, where you take a picture of yourself doing something with self-care: maybe it's a book you’re reading, a walk you’re taking. Also Amy's resources Seven Steps to Help You Breathe has a link in our show notes. You can follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. Listen in next Tuesday as Sara shares her thoughts on self-care.