(0:20) Welcome to Take Heart where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. Each week Amy, Carrie, and Sara will explore a theme, share an inspiring story, practical tip and an encouraging blessing using our combined experience of over 30 years of parenting children with special needs. Thank you for joining us today.
(1:03) Hi. This is Sara, and this month we were talking about self-care. We want you to join us for the Self-care Challenge. All you need to do is snap a picture that shows how you take care of yourself, whether it's for your body, your soul, or your mind, and tag us @takeheartspecialmoms with the #takeheartselfcare. Let's start a movement of self-care for the special needs mom/
(1:30) So it seems like everyone is talking about self-care, and everyone has a different idea of what that looks like. I googled self-care and over 2.7 billion results generated. Then, I Googled self care special needs. That search generated over 1.7 billion results. Why all the fuss? What is it about this topic that generates this kind of global stir for years, decades, even centuries? Why with all of these resources, do we still struggle with this topic? Merriam-Webster tells us that self-care means to care for oneself. I read that and thought sarcastically thanks, Merriam, that clears it up. Then I ran across Oxford Dictionary, which does a much better job. It tells us that self-care is, “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness; in particular during periods of stress.” Okay, that makes more sense to me. That I can get behind. There are different kinds of self-care too: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Some even say there is social self-care. It's hard to know where to start, or where to focus especially when we are so busy with the day-to-day struggles of just getting by or through the day. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why this movement of self-care has come about over the past few years? I believe it has started because we are finally saying that sacrificing everything for our marriages, our children, and others around us is not actually beneficial to our marriages, our children. or to those around us. We are seeing the older women in our lives exhausted and sometimes a bit lost on how to care for themselves. They were raised in a society that told them that thinking of ourselves was selfish.
(3:30) Now as a mom and a wife, it is our responsibility to care for a family. I believe that to be true. I just don't think we can adequately care for those around us, while teaching them how to care for themselves in a positive and life-giving way, if we are drained, unhappy, and directionless with our own self care. Our natural tendencies are geared at helping our loved ones. We can't pour from an empty cup. We can't give what we don't have. It’s vital to take care of ourselves, so we then can take care of our loved ones. If we don't practice self-care. If we don't actively protect our own well-being and happiness, as the definition says, then how on earth are we going to help our loved ones do the same thing? Let alone teach them how to do it on their own. My podcast co-host, Amy, often uses the analogy of when you fly, and the flight attendant tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before those around you, including your own children. Like Amy says, it makes sense, but it's so hard to do. Speaking of Amy and self-care, she has an amazing free exercise on her website at www.amyjbrown.com that you can download. It's called Seven Steps to Help you Breathe. I’ve used it myself, and it is a great resource to have. The link to it will be in the show notes.
(4:53) No matter what type of self-care is being discussed or what kind of self-care practices are being recommended, self care for me has to begin with self-regulation, and then it is followed closely by lots of practice, which includes a lot of mistakes, but also a lot of growth from those mistakes. So self-regulation in practice means actively making space in your daily life for self-care. It means being intentional with your time just as if you were on an athletic team, you self-regulate what you eat, drink, and how often you sleep. To be truly great, no one can make you do these things. They can't do them for you. This goes for anything in life that you want to do well. You have to choose a lifestyle that feeds your best self, then you practice your craft. You practice, make mistakes, work out the kinks and eventually help others get to your level of expertise. Like any great practice, you carve out intentional time for it. I don't feel like we can practice self-care if we don't intentionally carve out time in our day for ourselves. I'm learning that I actually have to schedule on the calendar my self-care. I know what I need, so I am now scheduling that time into my day. Those times are non-negotiables for me. I treat it like I would a doctor's appointment or a client call. If something pops up, then I move my self care. Does this system always work? No. You know what it's like to be a special needs mom. Nothing really ever goes according to plan, but I am finding that practice of scheduling time for me works most of the time. That is 100% better than no time at all. With self-care appointments on my calendar, the need to say no becomes easier and more apparent. Learning how to say no has been vital to my self-care. To be completely honest, it's what I still struggle with the most. Setting boundaries around my time, though, so I can say yes to the important things that will strengthen my mind, body, soul, and spirit, it’s vital to my overall well-being. So repeat after me. Caring for ourselves is the complete opposite of selfishness. I tell myself that often. There's a saying that says, “saying yes to one thing means you are saying no to something else, so choose wisely. I love that quote, and I often think of that saying whenever I'm making a decision to be involved or start a new project. Saying no can seem like an impossible task for me at times because sometimes it means saying no to something that I want to do, or I feel I need to do, or it's so important. Sometimes it means saying no to a client’s project that will bring more money in for my family. That seems important. There are so many great projects, volunteer opportunities, organizations, extracurricular activities, classes. The list can go on and on. My point is that just because something is a good idea, or it's needed, that doesn’t mean that it's necessarily a good idea for you or that needs to be done by you. I'm going to quote Amy again. She obviously is our in-house self-care guru. As a good friend, she gives me the tough love that I need around this topic. She does so often. She once told me, “The right thing at the wrong time is a wrong thing. Make sure to wait for the right time, so it remains the right thing.”
(8:30) Unfortunately, I have found that you can and will get push back from others initially when you say no, especially if you are just starting to say no, or just beginning to establish boundaries around your time and energy. Realize that those in your life that are used to always getting your yeses won't necessarily understand at the beginning. That's okay. I have also learned that sometimes a flat-out no is necessary, but other times it's a no, not yet. Even if it’s something that is necessary, something that you love to do, but you just can't do it right now. No, not yet it is the best course of action or nonaction at that particular time. Let that person know that you can't help out at this time, but check back in with you in a certain amount of time. You'll find that more times than not, that answer is accepted at face value. Not to mention, they’ll appreciate the “no, not yet” much more than the yes, but not having the time for you to follow through with what you promised. Like I said before, I still, after more than four decades struggle with saying no. I am much better today than I was in my thirties, and even more so than what I was in my twenties. That is why self care is a practice. It takes effort, and you will get it wrong sometimes. It truly is fundamental to carve out time and space to care for yourself be that mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and socially. You are important. You are needed, so you need to treat yourself accordingly.
(10:09) I want to leave you with a funny story about the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. During a particular busy and stressful point in my life, my therapist leaned forward and recommended the book Boundaries. I remember I had been crying and just feeling more overwhelmed than I knew what to do with. When she recommended the book, I looked up at her and excitedly said, “Oh I have that book. My best friend gave me that book years ago, but I haven't read it.” She then patiently asked me why. I matter of factly said, “Well, I haven't had the time.” She sat there with her elbows on her knees, eyebrows raised, and continued to stare at me, until I finally put two and two together. I have since read and reread that book. It's one of those books that I will reread during particularly stressful and busy times in my life. The full title of the book is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. The link will be in the show notes. I want to leave you with one of my favorite passages from this book.
The next time you feel that you need self care, but you don't have the time for it, think of this passage, and allow yourself the gift of setting boundaries.
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for, gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your own choices. You are the only one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences, and you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
(12:25) Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. If you are loving our podcast, would you do us a favor and leave us a review on whatever platform you’re using to listen to our podcast. You can follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartpseicalmoms. If you have any questions or comments or you would like to share your story with us, follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners. Listen in next Tuesday as all three of us come together to share our thoughts on self-care.