From Pain to Empowerment: Navigating Boundaries in Relationships

Hey Loves! In this heart-to-heart episode we unpacked the sheer power of setting and enforcing firm lines in our relationships. Reflecting on personal experiences, I opened up about the consequences of ignoring our own limits. We explored the difference between rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries, and how maintaining them is key to self-respect and empowerment. Remember, communicating needs without fear or control is a form of self-love. Join us as we embrace transformation and courageously set boundaries that honor who we are. Tune in, rate and review, and let's keep breaking those destructive patterns together. Let's continue to transform pain into power on the only podcast that loves you back! Come empty. Leave full... because when you know.- you grow!!


Episode Reflection/ Journal Prompts: 

1. Are there aspects of yourself or your behavior that you are proud of, but also recognize as potential weaknesses? How can you navigate these dualities in a healthy way?
2. Consider a past relationship or connection where you felt manipulated or subject to unhealthy boundaries. How did you contribute to these dynamics, and what could you have done differently?
3. Evaluate your own boundaries by identifying which of the three categories (rigid, porous, healthy) they align with. Provide examples from your own interactions and relationships.

Episode Resources: 

• Two Friends Story shared with me by friend, Jhaymia
• What Are Personal Boundaries provided by TherapistAid.com
• Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships provided by HealthGuide.org

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

We all know life doesn't always happen the way we hope it would, no matter how organized, intentional, analytical, strategic, financially well-off, well-known life just tends to happen. Now, I believe a testament to our character is how we choose to show up when life happens. These last couple of months, I've been reflecting on why I keep repeating what I feel like is a 25-year pattern and, if I'm being honest, it's embarrassing. On one hand, I tell myself you know better, then why aren't you doing better? Well, that's what we're going to talk about. You are now tuning in to Love Frequency, where love grows, so let's go. Welcome to Love Frequency, the podcast that helps you transform your pain into power. I'm your host and favorite love advocate, nia, and on this show, we believe that love is not the problem, honey you are. So join me every Wednesday as we have necessary discussion that focuses on getting to the root of the problem, because when you know, you grow.

Speaker 1: 1:36

So at the end of last year, I decided to end the relationship that I was in, and when thinking about putting this episode together, I came at it from all different ways. I wanted to tell my story. I wanted to break down what I went through, what I experienced, how it made me feel. Part of that came from a place of pain. It was me processing my hurt and wanting to be vocal about all the ways I feel like I've been wronged. I'm so thankful I had an opportunity to sit on it, because in the moments when I'm sitting and I'm reflecting and I'm asking myself thoughtful questions and being kind of myself and giving myself grace and time, I realized that the end was inevitable. There was no other way that it was going to go. But what I needed to focus on more than the actions of the other person, what I felt I didn't receive, was why I stayed so long in the first place. See, we had just celebrated our one year anniversary. Right before six days, actually, it was our one year anniversary and six days later I just decided I'm not doing another year of this.

Speaker 1: 2:48

And in that moment and during that time period, not only did I have a wave of peace wash over me, but in the same moment, also ask myself why am I here? Why do I keep ending up here? What am I doing wrong? I am proud of myself for advocating for myself, but man still makes me wonder. Why do I continue to get in connections where I feel that manipulation and gaslighting and deflection is the meal of the day. It's not only getting old and exhausting, but maybe I need to look at it from a different perspective. See, a lot of times when relationships end, we always start with the other person. It's the hardest for us to focus on, not what could we have done better or what we've done wrong, but is there another way to think about this?

Speaker 1: 3:47

And the more I sat with this, the one prevailing thought I had was you know, the very thing you brag about me being a love advocate, me really being introspective and being able to receive people where they are and all of those things that I use to define me and the way that I love. Those are my superpower. Those are the things about me that make me the most beautiful, and I love those things about myself. But hear me, and hear me well those are also the things that are my greatest weakness. Now, one phrase you'll probably hear a lot on this show is two things can be true at the same time. And boy, if that couldn't be more true. So when I sit with that, I have to accept a couple of things. One that hurts how can you tell me? This is what makes me beautiful, but it also is what creates my greatest area of vulnerability. It leaves me wide open for attack.

Speaker 1: 4:44

Give or give, take or take. When I look at how I show up in connections, it's loud and clear Exactly why I keep repeating this pattern. See, when we think that our way is the only way, it's the right way, we create a pattern of behavior, whether we realize it or not. So it's not that when I was getting in connections, I'm loving everybody the same way type of pattern. But the pattern I had was thinking that my love and how I love was so good. You know how we say we love hard, not give my all. I think even then, even in what we presume are our most humble times, there's great value in checking yourself. There's great value in taking a step back and looking at why do I give so much so quickly to people I know so little?

Speaker 1: 5:43

One day, two friends are talking about relationships. One of the friends says listen, I have no problem getting up from the table if I do not like what is being served. The other replied but you never ask for anything else. For some of us, it's easy to walk away when we feel like we aren't getting what we need For others, we stay longer than we know we should and in both examples, some of us never ask for what it is we truly desire. We just accept things as they are.

Speaker 1: 6:19

Why Many of us are holding space for unhealthy and toxic boundaries? Because it's all we know. One reason low self-esteem. You might feel as if your needs and wants aren't worth vocalizing, or you don't have an identity of your own. So you tend to get into connections where you prioritize what other people want and, as a result, people fail to recognize your discomfort. This may also show up if you have a fear of rejection. If you're afraid that your partner's going to walk out of your life because of your flaws, you might hesitate to open up emotionally. You may even have a desire for control. See, some people use boundaries to manipulate folks. Like a person might set a boundary to stonewall a conversation or refuse to engage with you until you do what they want.

Speaker 1: 7:12

I had a partner once who told me that whenever her exes didn't behave in the way that she wanted, she just would stop sleeping with them as punishment. Now I can say I've experienced all of them. Either I was creating the unhealthy boundary or it was being created for me, and each time the common denominator was my inability to ask for anything else. I just accepted things as they were. It is what it is right Wrong, listen, you have to understand the importance of setting healthy personal boundaries. These are those limits and rules that we set for ourselves within all connections. You know what? I don't think I've ever honestly set firm boundaries. That word is real important. I've never set firm boundaries, and what I mean by that is I may have and I am very vocal on what doesn't feel good, why it doesn't feel good but enforcing that boundary, I've wavered.

Speaker 1: 8:17

I think, when we get into lack of boundary setting, this is also where the conversation comes up, where we say I love hard, I give all of me when I love, and I just wanna meet somebody who's gonna do the same. Do you love hard because you're somebody who has low self-esteem or you're fear of rejection? Or do you lack experience with setting limitations? Did you grow up in an environment surrounded by people who also had poor personal boundaries? If so, managing proper ones is gonna be a challenge, baby. So for the purposes of today's conversation, let's put boundaries into three boxes, and I want you to tell me where you fall. I'ma tell you. I need you to tell me. So there's rigid boundaries.

Speaker 1: 9:03

These are the people who avoid intimacy and close relationships. These people are unlikely to ask for help. They wanna do it themselves all the time. When you look at their personal friendships, they have very few close relationships. They're very protective of their personal information and may seem detached, even with romantic partners. It's almost like they love on you when they want to, and in this they keep people at a distance to avoid possible rejection.

Speaker 1: 9:31

Are you somebody who has rigid boundaries? What about poorest boundaries? If you are holding poorest boundaries, you overshare your personal information. You know you're the person who wears your heart on your sleeve. You tell them everything. You're also the same person who has a difficulty saying no, so you overextend yourself. I just wish people would love me like I love them. Have you never said that? No, okay, someone with poorest boundaries also is over involved in other people's lives. You are the problem solver. You're always dependent on other people's opinions of you and, whether you wanna admit it to yourself or not, you are real comfortable with accepting abuse and disrespect because you fear rejection.

Speaker 1: 10:16

Is that you, or are you someone with healthy boundaries. Do you value your own opinions? Do you not compromise your values for others? Do you share your personal information in a way that's appropriate. You don't under share, you don't over share. You read the room baby. And you also make sure that the people you're connected with have made investments the same investments in you that you've made in them. And when that hasn't happened, you're not uncomfortable with expressing your personal wants, needs and you can communicate them in a way that shows your level of emotional intelligence. And with that comes your ability to be able to easily say no to others without worrying if you're offending them. Now which one of those feels like you and be honest or don't. That's also a choice, and while you're processing that, I also want you to realize that this is not a one-size-fits-all situation.

Speaker 1: 11:15

Most people have a mix of different boundary types. The appropriateness of those boundaries depends heavily on the setting right. What's appropriate to say when you're out with friends may not be the same shit that you say at work. I get that, and even in some cultures there's different expectations when it comes to boundaries. In some cultures it's completely inappropriate to express emotions publicly, and in other cultures that's encouraged.

Speaker 1: 11:41

I know for me. I'm definitely someone who is far more on the poor side of boundary setting and I do think a lot of that comes from not just a fear of rejection but, as I continue to learn myself and appreciation for the lessons my shadows have taught me, it makes it more easier to meet someone else who has their own shadows and to give them grace too. So years ago, absolutely, it was low self-esteem, fear of rejection, indeed hands down. But as I've grown, I think I've held on to some of those poorest boundaries because I get it. I get it. I don't expect nobody on this earth to be perfect, and I feel this is my dime store therapy session, okay y'all. So take it for what is worth. This is me doing my thing, but I really do believe that, through being a person who has experienced such a low vibration for such a long amount of time in my ignorance of that, as I started to become aware of it, it also may be more forgiving.

Speaker 1: 12:45

When I met people who showed up in the same spirit and when that happens based on the type of people I'm attracting, I found that what it brought out in them, or what I was able to see, a lot more clearly, I guess I should say was their rigid boundaries. And so you have someone who's very open and aware and wants to receive all. Meeting people who don't even want to face themselves for real and I do think, meeting a motherfucker like me you have no choice but to sit with yourself. I call in a high level of self-awareness for myself. So I think it's important in knowing where we sit and knowing and understanding how we identify what our boundaries are now, because we know our starting place Right. So if I know I have poor boundaries, I know the differences between that and healthy boundaries and in having that, I know exactly what I need to focus on, where I need to start Really sitting with that 25-year pattern and why I felt like every connection that I was in was a familiar connection.

Speaker 1: 14:01

See, healthy boundaries is the main ingredient, one of the main ingredients that you find in healthy relationships Toxic boundaries. You see where I'm going with this. A crucial part of maintaining your identity, your mental health, your physical well-being is to establish those healthy boundaries. There are five benefits to doing this. One, it sets expectations when you're interacting with others. It lets other people know how you want to be treated without them telling you. Two, it gives you a sense of empowerment and self-respect. Remember, a boundary is not about you putting restrictions against someone else. These are limits and rules that we set for ourselves. Three, it ensures your physical and emotional comfort is always at the forefront of your mind. Four, having healthy boundaries helps clarify individual responsibility in a relationship. And five, having healthy boundary encourages autonomy and it reduces codependency in relationships. Because I do think hand in hand to this topic in setting boundaries is understanding if you do have a manipulative personality or if you are a codependent personality, and what that means. I'm not going to lie. Those five reasons were enough to make me realize all of the complaints and frustrations that I've had in relationships. This was one of the areas that they stemmed from not having a firm understanding, one on what healthy boundaries were, but, more than anything, learning how to enforce those boundaries.

Speaker 1: 15:44

I know in this past connection it takes me back to when we first first met. I flew out to Florida to see her and the plan was for us to hang out, spend the weekend together. Well, my first day there, I remember waiting was over an hour while she had to run errands. Now we planned this trip weeks in advance. You knew I was coming For my perspective, this shit could have been taken care of. Now.

Speaker 1: 16:12

The whole time I'm waiting. I'm shitty and I'm thinking you are in Florida. The fuck are you waiting for right? I have no problem with getting up from the table when I don't like what's being served. That's where my mind was fuck this. But not having healthy boundaries was what you think I did. I stayed and I waited, but I was shitty. So when she finally showed up, I let her know how I felt. I really don't appreciate waiting, especially as long as I had to wait. This was well over an hour. I felt like my time was wasted. I could have been doing something else, but honestly, if I was a person that set healthy boundaries when I expressed how I felt, I just didn't pay attention to the response In that moment. With that experience, the greatest takeaway that I have is not only am I a person that just accepts whatever people give me, it also helps them learn how they can treat me.

Speaker 1: 17:09

So I would encourage anybody who may be in a connection that just doesn't feel right, where you have more concern than you do, peace, that you are often asking yourself questions like why me? What am I doing now. I just want to be happy. I'm so tired. If you've said any of this, before you start to check another motherfucker, I need you to check yourself. What's your boundaries looking like, boo? Because how can I say I'm someone who loves myself when I'm not even giving myself the bare minimum?

Speaker 1: 17:44

Setting boundaries is the bare minimum. Enforcing them is how you show up for yourself, dear Love. What are your boundaries looking like? Do you find yourself in connections where you're always feeling like you're giving more of yourself than you're receiving? I really think it's time you look at not just leaving the table, but realizing, even in your next connection. If you don't gain some understanding of how important this is, the same shit's gonna happen. My 25 year pattern list in the code has been cracked and now that I'm aware, I know exactly where I need to start.

Speaker 1: 18:25

So, if you're also wondering, I want you to focus on these three things. One, when you go into a relationship, know what you want. When you know, you grow and I really seriously want you to write them down what is important to you? The second thing is talk to your partner about what that looks like. It's important for them to understand what your needs are, and this may not happen in one conversation because, if I'm being honest, we can say whatever the hell we want to say. It's the third thing, that's the most important. It's how you enforce those things that you say are important to you, those things that you say that you need.

Speaker 1: 19:09

Remember a boundary isn't about creating walls for keeping people out or for controlling people. That's manipulation. Boundaries are the limits and rules that we set for ourselves in relationships. These boundaries help us feel a more physical and emotional comfort. It helps give us a sense of empowerment and self-respect. It reduces codependent habits. It provides clarity for how you want to be treated in a connection. If not, then you continue to choose to allow your boundaries to go unchecked.

Speaker 1: 19:45

My question is why is that? Why do you feel like you have to love hard when the truth is, baby, you're hardly loving yourself. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for spending time with me today. If this episode has fed your spirit and increased your love frequency, please rate and review us on Apple Podcast, spotify or whatever you listen to podcasts. Go ahead and do it now. Boo, don't worry, I'll wait, and be sure to come back next week where I explain to you how I saved my life by changing my screensaver, and you can too. Until next time, this is your host, naya, reminding you to set and enforce healthy boundaries so we can stop repeating the same damn patterns, because when you know, you grow. I love you.