Ben Fuller was 16 years old when he picked up a gun to end his life. As scenes of his funeral flashed before him, he put the gun down, but the battle for his soul was just beginning.
When Ben left his home in Vermont and moved to Nashville in 2018 to chase country music stardom, addiction and darkness were chasing him.
This is the story of how God rescued Ben and helped him see who he really is.
Find out more about Ben Fuller at his website and listen to his latest single, "Who I Am."
You can connect with us through email at gps@billygraham.org or on Billy Graham Radio on Facebook.
Ben Fuller was 16 years old when he picked up a gun to end his life. As scenes of his funeral flashed before him, he put the gun down, but the battle for his soul was just beginning.
When Ben left his home in Vermont and moved to Nashville in 2018 to chase country music stardom, addiction and darkness were chasing him.
This is the story of how God rescued Ben and helped him see who he really is.
Find out more about Ben Fuller at his website and listen to his latest single, "Who I Am."
You can connect with us through email at gps@billygraham.org or on Billy Graham Radio on Facebook.
Phil Fleischman: THIS EPISODE OF GPS DEALS WITH ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, SPECIFICALLY WITH THE USE OF A GUN. SO, LISTENER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
MUSIC STARTS
Ben Fuller:
00:00:11 Sixteen years old, I was ready to kill myself. I didn't feel like I was loved, and there was just a moment in my life that I was like, this is not worth, it's not worth going on.
Jim Kirkland: Ben Fuller put a gun in his mouth. But when scenes of his death and funeral flashed before him, he put the gun down. The years that followed were full of pain—and drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.
Phil: Ben’s addictions followed him to Nashville. That’s where he moved to pursue a music career.
Ben:
00:00:38 And that's the thing about addiction, is that you can run wherever, go ahead, run away … run to Colorado, run to California, run to Mexico. I don't care where you go, it's gonna follow you.
Phil:There was only one way to conquer the darkness inside of him. And Ben’s about to explain what it was. We think it’s a story you won’t soon forget. This is GPS: God. People. Stories., an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. I’m Phil Fleischman.
Jim: And I’m Jim Kirkland. This is the fifth and final episode of our most current GPS series, “Creating for the Creator.” Ben Fuller is a rising Christian music artist who has struggled with hopelessness. It’s something Billy Graham saw people struggling with all the time.
Billy Graham:
00:01:21 For all of you that are listening today, I have good news. I can declare to you today that Christ is the answer to every baffling problem that plagues you.
Phil: You’ll hear Billy Graham share more about Jesus being the answer to loneliness and hopelessness a little later in the episode. Another place where you can find answers to life’s problems is at our website, FindPeaceWithGod.net. You can discover more about beginning a relationship with Jesus, or deepening the one you already have. The address again is FindPeaceWithGod.net.
Jim: Just before we get to Ben’s story, I want to remind you to subscribe to GPS wherever you listen to your podcasts. We have more than 300 episodes by now. When you’re searching for us, just remember this: Use the full name of the podcast...
[intro]: GPS: God. People. Stories.
MUSIC TRANSITION
Ben:
00:02:18 I grew up in a small town, Perkinsville, Vermont, and Vermont is 2% Christian. And, you know, the only times that I really went to church were for funerals and weddings.
Jim: Ben Fuller grew up on a dairy farm with his mom, dad, and younger sister.
Ben:
00:02:33 We had about 170 Holstein cows. And I was the only son, so it was just my sister and I. And so there was just a lot of work that got laid on my shoulders.
Phil: He came from a long line of men who believed being tough and strong meant keeping their emotions buried deep inside.
Ben:
00:02:50 It's not OK to show emotion because that would show weakness. And so I grew up with that, and that was really, really hard cuz I'm emotional and, you know, I wanted an outlet to talk about my feelings and it was never really there as I grew up. And so, my dad and I had a tough relationship and we constantly butt heads. There was a lot of love there, but it was just hidden so deep underneath that armor that was just like, you know, I can't show you this. I feel it inside, but I don't know how to express it.
Phil: Music became an outlet for Ben at an early age.
Ben:
00:03:25 When I was young, I've always loved singing, whether I was, you know, with the cows or whether I was in a field, the music would just transport me to another place when I didn't want to be there.
Jim: As Ben grew up, he struggled with the sadness inside of him. And because faith in God wasn’t part of his life, asking Jesus for help didn’t even occur to him.
Ben:
00:03:48 The Name of Jesus was a swear word in my mouth. I didn't know about Him. I didn't know about really who Jesus was.
Jim:The years went by, and Ben couldn’t figure out what to do with the hopelessness he felt. He decided there was only one way around it.
Ben:
00:04:01 Sixteen years old, I was ready to kill myself. I didn't feel like I was loved, and there was just a moment in my life that I was like, this is not worth, it's not worth going on.
Phil: The darkness was closing in. Ben picked up a gun and put it in his mouth. But then, his life flashed before him. And his death. And its gut-wrenching aftermath.
Ben:
00:04:22I saw the funeral line. I saw my mom find me. I saw what it did to those that did love me. And I was able to just let the gun go. And so, I believe that God showed me those things, even though I didn't have a relationship with Him or know Him when that happened.
Phil: God saved Ben’s physical life that day, but his mind and soul were still in a very dark place.
Jim: Ben buried the pain and kept busy during high school.
Ben:
00:04:49 I was that guy that was friends with everybody. I was captain of the football team. I, you know, I loved everybody. And, in my school and, you know, there was a crowd that I got hooked up with that, yeah, had introduced me to cocaine. And, that was really my—it was the answer for me to escape the relationship that I had with my dad. It was the answer for me to escape the pain that I felt, and the lack of communication and the lack of emotion. And so I just internalized all this stuff, but, you know, that euphoric feeling, yeah, I was just able to just be like, “Yeah, I can't feel anything.”
Jim: He graduated from high school and enrolled at Vermont Technical College to study landscape design and ornamental horticulture. It was a good fit, it seemed.
Ben:
00:05:37 I love being outside. I love working with trees and plants. And that led to my career as a stonemason for I guess nearly 16 years—15, 16 years. And I just fell in love with stone, like I fell in love with stone walls, and just the smell of it and the feel of it, and the roughness and the heaviness. And so, yeah, there's something, you know, also satisfying about you build a stone wall and, you know, I could do 10 feet of stone wall in a day and turn around and look at it, and it's like, I built that, you know, I did that. I built that with my hands.
Phil: After college, when Ben bought a house and was working as a stonemason, cocaine and binge-drinking became a regular part of his life.
Ben:
00:06:22 I was a functioning addict, and so I could work 60 hours a week, and then I could go get high on Friday night, and I could get high on Saturday, and I could sober up on Sunday, and I could go back to work during the week and work another 60-hour week. You know, along with that came the drinking as well. And so, you know, there was a point where I was drinking, you know, 15 to 17 beers every night, and it became, you know, during the week too. And I would just pass out and you know, wake up the next morning. I was just, again, I was functioning, so I was able to put it down and go to work and keep my job, and, you know, do my best or so I thought, to hide it from everybody.
Phil: That went on all through his 20s—working, drinking, and using drugs. But there was something else Ben was doing. He was playing guitar off and on. He’d learned to play a few chords and a little country music back in college. Then around 2017, he started writing his own music.
Ben:
00:07:14 I just realized that I could use this guitar as this kind of instrument to get out the feelings that were inside of me. And that's when I really started falling in love with the idea of I can write things down and put music to them and sing about it. Sing about what's inside of me.
Jim:Ben had learned to play and sing a lot of cover songs over the years. Eventually, his friends began encouraging him to try singing in public.
Ben:
00:07:38 “Hey, man, you gotta—you should do a show. You should go play a bar. You should, like, why don't you go play a restaurant? Like, that'd be cool. We'd come watch you.” So my first show in front of anybody was February 25, 2017. And it was a little dive bar. There was—it was packed.
Jim: That was the beginning of Ben Fuller’s music career.
Ben:
00:07:59 I had a friend from Maryland, and she's been amazing to me my whole life, but she just said, “Hey, why don't you try this thing? And I'll help you start a Facebook and an Instagram,” and I'm like, a what? An Insta-what, you know. And so she came in and kind of helped build Ben Fuller music, and we started kind of marketing, and I started singing out places and next thing you know, we had places sending us messages online saying, “Hey, we want you to come play our bar. We want you to come play our restaurant. We want you to come play our pub.” And so I was just doing this giant circuit in Vermont and New Hampshire.
Phil: Ben was starting to make some money from all these gigs, and he was enjoying the spotlight. But in the background, there was that ever-present addiction.
Ben:
00:08:41 And so I was driving home from those places drunk, you know, the more alcohol Ben had, Woo! You know, I could sing, I could sing more. I was singing, you know, more fun songs, and I was getting people up and dancing. And, you know, by the end of the night, I was just like—and I was by myself, so I would just pack up my stuff and drive home.
Phil: About 10 months after Ben’s first time playing for an audience, tragedy rocked his world.
Ben:
00:09:06 I lost my best friend on December 16, 2017, to an overdose. And, you know, he was the one that I used with, I lived with, I partied with; he was my functioning brother, you know, we could use and put it down. And, I didn't realize that he had moved on to harder drugs, and I believe it was fentanyl that took his life, and, you know, that shook me to the core.
Jim: In spite of his loss, life went on for Ben—and so did addiction. And the pain inside continued to build.
Phil: Around this same time, Ben started to hear the name of one particular city over and over again.
Ben:
00:09:43 I started hearing from people at the shows like, “Dude, you gotta go to Nashville.” Like, “You should go to Nashville.” I started hearing it more and more at places, and I was getting messages like, “Dude, you should try your luck in Nashville.” Like, “You gotta go and you'd be great.” And, to be honest, like, I was scared. I was really scared, but to be honest, I was like, is this for me? Like, do I really want to go?
Jim: Ready or not, Ben decided to go for it. He sold his house in Vermont in one day, packed up, and headed south. He arrived in Nashville in the fall of 2018.
Ben:
00:10:17 My addiction continued all the way through up until I moved to Nashville. And that's the thing about addiction, is that you can run wherever, go ahead, run away, you know, run to Colorado, run to California, run to Mexico. I don't care where you go, it's gonna follow you.
Jim: And follow him it did. Ben was a thousand miles from home and still as addicted as ever, all while trying to break into the hyper-competitive country music scene.
Phil: A friend encouraged him to try his luck at a famous downtown music bar that’s known for platforming up-and-coming artists. Ben showed up at an open audition.
Ben:
00:10:51 And so I went to Tootsies and it was a Saturday, 2 p.m., I signed a little clipboard. I put my name on there, and they had me get up on stage with a band, and it was the first time I'd ever played with a band in my life.
Jim: A crowd of people had squeezed into the back, and all eyes were on Ben. It was intimidating to say the least.
Ben:
00:11:11 The drummer looked at me and says, “What do you wanna play?” And I was like, “How about, ‘The Ride’ by David Allan Coe?” And the guitar player looks over at me and was like, “What key?” And I'm like, “I don't know.” And they all looked at each other and like, Oh boy, here we go. “All right, 2, 3, 4,” you know, [music notes], and they just start playing. And I'm just like, All right, here we go, you know? And so I just sang along with it. So I don't know anything about music as far as key, as far as the Nashville number system, as far as all those things. No idea. So I'm thankful enough that I could at least be in key with them. And so I sang along with the song and we finished and people were hooting and hollering and cheering and all this stuff. And the guy that had the clipboard just said, “Well, what's everybody think of Ben Fuller?” And they, “Whoo! Yeah! All right!” And he goes, “All right, you're hired. We'll see you at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning, that’s a Sunday. Next!”
Phil: And just like that, Ben was on his way.
Ben:
00:12:11 I remember running out and sending a picture to my dad. It was the first time in my life that I really felt like my dad was proud of me, because I had achieved this amazing feat of moving 20 hours to this crazy city, Music City, they call it, and I just got hired on the most famous stage in all of Nashville. And, um, you know, my dad was proud of me.
Phil: For the next year, Ben played the downtown Nashville music scene on Broadway, usually taking the early shift, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. That left plenty of time for booze, drugs, women … everything that had been part of his life for so many years but never seemed to fill the void inside him.
Ben:
00:12:51 You get tired of that stuff and you kind of hit a wall of like, is this it? And that was the wall that I hit was like, is this it? But on my own, I was just stuck in this hamster wheel.
Jim: Ben’s ticket off of that hamster wheel began with a simple dinner invitation.
Ben:
00:13:06 Got a phone call from a family from Vermont, and this family, the Davenport family, I had met during my bar days playing bars in Vermont. And they're like, “We got your number from a friend and do you wanna come over for dinner? We live in Franklin.” And I was like, what? Like, holy smokes. And they said, “We know you're here and we've been here for a while. We're sorry we haven't gotten in touch.” And so I was like, my gosh, you know, only a fool turns down a meal, right? And so I was like, I'm going to eat. And, I think I remember like putting beers in my pockets and going over there.
Jim: At the end of the meal, the Davenports asked Ben if he’d like to go to church with them the next morning.
Ben:
00:13:43 I had this feeling of like, I owe them for what they've done for me. So yes, yep, you bet. Sure, why not? I'll go to church with you in the morning.
Phil: Keep in mind, as far as Ben was concerned, church was for weddings and funerals, and he certainly hadn’t experienced a large, vibrant church in the middle of the Bible Belt. Everything about it was new to him.
Ben:
00:14:01 I remember hearing the music, and I could feel the bass like through my feet and I could just feel it in my chest. And I was like, what is that sound? And what is that music? And I was like, I have no idea. And I remember like ditching the family that I was with and kind of booking it for the aisle, like into the auditorium. And I stood in that doorway and the auditorium doors were open, you know, they [prop] ’em open for everybody to come in and out and before service. And I just saw everybody with their hands up, and I was like, I don't know what the heck is going on right now, but this music, there's something about this music.
Phil: For so many years, God’s Name had been a swear word to Ben. But when he walked into that house of worship, something changed.
Ben:
00:14:45 I really felt like I heard God's voice in that moment. And He said, “I gave you your voice and now you're gonna sing for Me.” And I was just like, I remember it just being like whatever this is and whatever it takes to do this, I want to do this. Like, this is the kind of music that I'm gonna sing for the rest of my life. And I remember after service, the family's like, “How'd you feel? Are you okay? Are you feeling weird? Are you feeling okay?” And I was just like, I don't know what I feel, like this is crazy, but I'm like, I'm tingly. I'm weird. You guys made me feel emotional. I don't really know what this is, but it was like, I gotta come back and I gotta come back for more.
Jim: And he did. And as Ben kept coming back, God became real to him.
Ben:
00:15:30 I had an experience at a worship night that really changed everything, and I believe it was the first experience that I had with the Holy Spirit. And I had some strangers pray over me. And it was like if somebody were filming it, I swear, I could still swear that my feet were off the ground. And it was the highest—as an addict—it was the highest that I had ever been in my life, and I did nothing for it. And I had to spend no money. I had to have no regret and no shame and no guilt. And I was like, what is this? And that's when I said yes. That's when I just said, I want more of this. Fix me, help me, change me, send me. And so my 17 beers a night, went to 12, went to 10, went to two, over two months. It was about a two-month period. My mouth—I had a foul mouth. Language was awful—just literally the words just fell out, took ’em right out outta my vocabulary. Stopped having sex, stopped using drugs—all these things just … stopped with the lying. I had to face my problems. All of a sudden, I started feeling convicted over things. I was like, what is happening to me?
Jim: The Bible says there’s a difference between worldly grief and godly grief. It says, “Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” [emphasis added]. That’s from 2 Corinthians 7, written by Paul, a man who had his own dramatic conversion to Christ.
Phil: Ben experienced godly grief over his sins, and through the power of God, he turned away from them.
Ben:
00:17:05 My life changed. I started removing myself from situations that I was in, places that I was in. I started just changing the way that I lived because I was convicted, you know, of that lifestyle. And so it took a while, you know, it seems like looking back now, it really has happened very quickly and all at once, you know? But it took some time to sort of let go of those things and let my flesh get out of the way, and truly, truly let Jesus lead the way.
Phil: And something else happened when Ben turned his life over to Christ. His music was transformed. He started waking up in the middle of the night to write down lyrics about light and love and Jesus.
Jim: You’ve probably noticed by now that Ben doesn’t do anything halfway. God was changing his life—taking away his addictions and cleansing him from the inside out. You better believe that Ben was gonna sing about it.
Phil: In fact, he was at a bar singing about Jesus when he met a fellow believer from New England who became his manager. From there, Ben was connected with some of the most influential people in the Christian music business.
Jim: After some COVID-induced delays that led him back to Vermont for a season, Ben returned to Nashville, and signed a record deal with Sony Provident. Now, this dairy farmer-turned-musician is topping the Christian music charts, touring with the likes of Casting Crowns and Zach Williams, and, most importantly, telling the world about the freedom that comes from knowing Jesus Christ.
Ben:
00:18:32 The only thing that stopped me from using was accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior. I'm gonna preach until the day that I die, or live, however you—[laugh]—however you look at it, that Christ has—He died for me and He healed me from those things.
MUSIC TRANSITION
Jim: Ben Fuller unequivocally credits Jesus Christ for conquering his addiction and saving his life.
Phil: And we don’t want you to leave today before hearing that Jesus can change your life, too. We created FindPeaceWithGod.net to share the hope and freedom of Christ in a way that is easy to understand.
Jim: You can explore who Jesus is and how to follow Him. And if you have questions, you can chat with one of our trained volunteers, any time, 24/7. So, if anything you’ve heard today has sparked your curiosity about Jesus Christ, visit FindPeaceWithGod.net. FindPeaceWithGod.net.
Phil: You’re about to hear a word from Billy Graham, who also grew up on a dairy farm, by the way, and then you’re going to hear one last word from Ben about how he still deals with ongoing struggles and temptation.
MUSIC STARTS
Voice-over: You’re listening to GPS: God. People. Stories., a podcast production of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.
Billy Graham:
00:19:57 To millions, life has lost its true purpose and meaning; others suffer unbelievable loneliness.
Voice-over: Billy Graham …
Billy Graham:
00:20:04 Everyone has more than enough, yet down underneath the surface there is gloom, pessimism, uncertainty, and frustration that cause deep psychological and emotional problems. For all of you that are listening today, I have good news. The Bible teaches that “Whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world.” I can declare to you today that Christ is the answer to every baffling problem that plagues you. Whatever your color, race, decree, your heart's yearnings are the same. That lonely aching spot can be filled by Christ, if you will open your heart and let Him come in. He can fill the vacuum of your lonely heart. You can turn to Jesus Christ today and find Him more than adequate to fill all the longings and desires of your soul and take away that gloomy, pessimistic feeling and give you a reason for living and a reason for existence.
MUSIC FADES
Jim: “He can fill the vacuum of your lonely heart.” It’s true. And if you want to put your faith in Jesus Christ today, go to FindPeaceWithGod.net. Or if you’d rather talk with someone, they’re waiting for you; 24/7 prayer line is: 855-255-7729. That’s 855-255-PRAY.
Phil: Ben Fuller has been sharing his powerful story of salvation on this episode of GPS. He was baptized in late 2019 and he has been clean and sober ever since. But he wants to be clear: It hasn’t been easy.
Ben Fuller:
00:21:42 Two and a half weeks ago for me, I was in a really dark place. And I had to remind myself that I'm a child of the Most High God. And really, really turn to the only thing that can make the devil flee is the Word of God. And I could scream at Him, I could cry, I could speak in tongues, I could do whatever you wanna do, but it's like … the Word of God; that's what Jesus had to use from the water to the wilderness as He got tempted is the Word of God. And that's period. There's nothing added to it. There's nothing taken from it. It is the truth. So the inspiration I think really comes from that, knowing that I am seated in heavenly places, knowing that He is my Lord and Savior, and reading that out loud and reminding me of that out loud is the answer for sure.
Jim: We want to thank Ben Fuller for sharing his story and his music with us on this final episode of our “Creating for the Creator” series. And if you missed any of the series, be sure to subscribe to GPS: God. People. Stories. wherever you get your podcasts. We’ll be right out with a new GPS series in just a few months. Until then, thank you for listening. I’m Jim Kirkland.
Phil: And I’m Phil Fleischman. This is GPS: God. People. Stories. It’s an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association—Always Good News.
CLOSING MUSIC
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