How to STOP People Pleasing! (Attention yes men)

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:29

Feeling comfortable in your own skin, but your time, your environment and everything that happens around you. Welcome back to the Corey Bout World Podcast and today, guys, we're gonna be talking about deep diving into people pleasing yes, man, and being a nice man. And if you're in that position where sometimes you think to yourself, fuck that, I don't wanna be that guy anymore, this is gonna be the podcast to listen to. Make sure you listen to the whole way through, to the end, because there is practical tools and tips here that you can use in order to get there. So I want to talk about my story first. In regards to people pleasing yes, hand up.

Speaker 1: 1:04

I was a serial people pleaser and that shit sucked, oh my goodness. So one part of people pleasing, I believe, come from, like my own journey was lack of purpose. I had a lack of purpose and I didn't exactly know what, like where I wanted to go with life, and I thought my story was and this works differently for everyone and I'll get into those but my story was if I help other people and I do good for them and I help them, somehow, maybe they will help me. That was the thing. So every time I try to fix someone or help someone or do something for someone. It was a subtle way of asking, oh, because I'm helping you, hopefully now you can help me, which always leads to some sort of resentment or spite, and this gap of fulfillment that people can't make in regards to the demands of your friendship, because who wants to be friends with someone who all the time, they're like, oh man, I owe this guy so much shit because I do so many nice things for him. Well, he does all this nice shit for me, but none of it is authentic and none of it is actual, genuine. He just wants help from me. Right? I'm going to give you guys the definition of friendship right, and this helped me become an anti-people pleaser, and it is.

Speaker 1: 2:13

Friendships are based. The definition of friendship is mutual inspiration, meaning I'm friends with you because you inspire me. That's why I want to be friends with you and you are friends with me because I inspire you. So it's okay to help each other back and forth if you gain that inspiration. Now, where does that come from? Well, it's like well, if I'm going to hang out with someone or be friends with someone because they like badminton, right, are we catching up because we inspire each other, or is that the only person that we like to have badminton play badminton with, or the only person that we have that can play badminton with us? Interesting also, this comes down into love with your partner, right? So imagine, like, because it has to be friendships and relationship. Imagine it's like oh, I don't have anyone to watch movies with, so I'm going to watch them with my partner, right? Is that inspiration? Is that love? Like? What is that? It's like? No, I just genuinely like watching movies myself with the companionship of someone. So I actually I am hanging out with this person because I want companionship, not inspiration, right? Which doesn't contribute to the friendship, right?

Speaker 1: 3:18

The friendship happens out of how you live your life and how they live their life, and that's why you want to do things together, because it's like wow, being around you inspires me, right? This is a Friedrich Nietzsche definition and I absolutely love it. That's one right, and I didn't know that that was even there or that other people were inspiring me or not. I just knew that I was trying to hang around inspiring people and I would try to do everything that I could for everyone else, so hopefully they could help me or I could get some inspiration back right. And how I turned it around.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Like my own people pleasing was I just solely dedicated to becoming the best version of myself. I said fuck everyone else, I will disregard. Drop everyone else like the drop of a hat. I was very savage with it. That was the attitude. I'll love everyone and I'll help them to the best of my ability. That doesn't self-sabotage the needs for what I'm doing for my own mission and goals right.

Speaker 1: 4:18

So the first thing that I had to do was get a goal right. I had to focus on my purpose. I was like what is my purpose? What is my meaning? Why am I alive? What do I want to do? Because there's so many different things that we need to do and we have this feeling of what we need to do.

Speaker 1: 4:30

But it's really hard to get clear on what we want to do and a lot of people, when you say exactly what you want, get triggered right. You can say look, I want a business that makes you know $5 million a year, $1 million a month, whatever it is, straight to one of your friends' faces if you're not at that level yet and watch their body reaction If they get and they go like a little bit like quiet or a bit weird of you saying what you want. That is a projection because they can't. They are jealous because they can't say what they want. Right, they get. They don't feel they want what they want. And you can be in that position as well. I've been in that position heaps of times where people have said something and I've just been like, oh damn, I'm like, wow, I need to want more, right.

Speaker 1: 5:10

But having that, like having that thought in your brain, I think is extremely beneficial. So the one was I got like I found my purpose and I understood like, okay, what are my goals in order to get to my purpose? It's building a brand, building a podcast, making sure that you know, I'm building a team, I'm speaking, I'm getting outside my comfort zone, like I don't know how to do any of these things. Right, I just went, figured them out, just like, okay, I'm going to use my problem skill solving skills to make sure that I do that, all right. And then you start people pleasing in business to yourself sometimes, but let's not talk about that here, that is for another episode, guys. Essentially so, the first thing is having a goal, disregarding everyone else, so that you can focus on yourself and when you do want to help anyone else and it is genuine you're doing it on your own time, in your own terms, and you're just not convincing yourself that that is the case right.

Speaker 1: 5:53

And I learned this from my dad because when I saw my dad in business, he would people please to everyone, he's always chucking in discounts, he's always trying to help everyone else, he's always handing out or giving people because he has this genuine big heart, free things and all this other stuff to help people get ahead. I remember he let his mate borrow one of his cars. His friend got a speeding fine. He wrecked all the interior of the car because he had like um, like smoke his hands or whatever and like rubbed against the, like the the interior of the car and like was dirty from work and it was gross and dad never did anything about it. He ended up paying the speeding fine and whatever it was, and I was just looking at him like you little bitch. I was like you little bitch. And then he would commit to all over, commit to his friends and all these things at work. So he had had no time with the kids and now he like has this huge regret that he feels all the shame around not spending as much time with the kids, but obviously it's all forgiven for him.

Speaker 1: 6:44

But he did not know how to set a boundary Right. And this is the thing that I want to talk about. Because setting the boundary is so important right? Because essentially, what what people pleasing looks like is is, anytime it's it's giving people discounts is one, it's giving people discounts for your service. It's always offering extra. So maybe they say something and you're like oh, to get them across the line, I'll do an extra this with them. I'll give them this thing for free, I'll do this, this, this, this, this, so that they jump on.

Speaker 1: 7:11

People pleasing is also needing to to confirm with your partner every time you've got to do something that's people pleasing. You may not think it is because I want to be considerate of her. That may be considerate, but a man knows how to say no extremely well with like, regardless of how him or anyone else feels for the better of himself in the community, right? So even when you're in a relationship and you go oh, I know my partner's not going to be happy about this certain decision that I want to make, but I want to make it. So she can be angry as much as she likes during this time and I will prove to her through action that I was right. I mean that I was right and that for her, is actually reassuring because she's like oh, I know that he knows how to say no.

Speaker 1: 7:57

Because women, unconsciously, are always trying to get you to say yes, get you to control, to see how much control you, to see how much control they have over you. And when they get control over you, they become unattracted. They have the power, right, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But what happens is it just proves to her that if she can manipulate you, the world can manipulate you. So it's like that's where you get shit tested by your partner. I don't know if you know those things, but anytime that you get tested and you say yes and you fall, you know under that category you've just failed, and that is not to say to to be inconsiderate. You must be considerate of your partner and tell them. But it's having the courage. It's like I see this thing, this is what I want to do and this is the decision that I want to make, and I'd like you to respect me and I'm considering you by letting you know before I make this decision.

Speaker 1: 8:40

People pleasing looks like hiding that shit, right? People say, oh, I can't tell them this and I can't say that. Right, that's a weakness, that's projecting that other people are weaker than what they come across and that you need to sue them in order for them to not feel bad about a certain situation. Right, and that could be. For example, let's say, you, you know, had to spend, you know, you know your electricity bill was double right, and you paid it without telling her right, but your agreement was that you both look at the bills together and pay them together and then somehow you go and hide it because you're like shit, I bought a new ice bath and a sauna and now the agreements going up. I don't want to make her feel bad and the bills are going up. I don't want to make her feel bad and the bills are going up and I don't want to get rid of the ice bath and sauna because I really liked them being there. So I'm going to hide it. I'm not going to tell her, even though we agreed to talk to each other about it. That would be some sort of people pleasing that it's like hey, just letting you know the electricity bill looks like this it's gone up because we've got this, this and this. I want to keep the ice bath in the sauna regardless. Just letting you know, right, and that's being able to speak your truth, and not people, please, in the way and then you might go okay, well, instead of doing that, what I'll do for her is I'll give her a massage, I'll go do the shopping, I'll clean the house, the house or do these other things to make her feel better because I feel guilty about something.

Speaker 1: 9:59

So this is what people pleasing looks like, right? So it is to your partner. It's also to your friends, like anytime your friends need some help or are doing anything, and you go yeah, I'll come on the weekend to do that, I'll come on the weekend to do this. And that usually comes from a lack that no one's going to love me unless I help them, right? I, my friends, don't want to be friends with me unless I help them, and they will never acknowledge me unless I do things for them. So I'm going to do as much as I can for them so that they can be friends with me.

Speaker 1: 10:28

What that looks like is this is a friend. You're coming in and just slowly and surely like, oh, come here for a cuddle, come here for a cuddle. And then, right, that is impossible expectations for a friend to make and it makes people feel quite uncomfortable and it's not genuine. That is the whole. I'm trying to fix you, or, um, so that you can fix me, please, right, that's what that's about. So that's essentially what it comes down to personal, like people pleasing.

Speaker 1: 10:52

So this is how you're going to input boundaries, right, my people, please, this is what you can do about it. Right, you're going to have your non-negotiables. You find your purpose, you get clear on your goal and then you want to map out your non-negotiables. Right, and this is okay. I can say yes to people, I can help them in these time frames and I can make people good and try to get my own validation under these circumstances. Right, but you got to create that for yourself and a real good way of looking at it is okay. What boundaries do I need to implement? Right, the boundaries need to implement that intellectual, they're emotional and they're in your body. Right, in regards to your time. So the intellectual boundaries all come around.

Speaker 1: 11:27

What you talk about, your freedom of thought, what you can say your confidence, to say, hmm, I don't like it when you talk about that certain topic, because that makes me feel angry and frustrated because these are my beliefs right. Even if there is heaps of people, even if there's a small group of people and they all talk about one thing or bitching about someone and you go, hmm, okay, this is my, this is my current belief. So, intellectually, it's being able to say what you want to say and talk about what you want to talk about in a way where you're not projecting, make, making people feel bad or trying to manipulate them to get something from them. Right. This takes a little bit of skill and a little bit of finesse, and what the technique that you can use for this I believe is best is pre-framing right. So a pre-frame in communication is just letting people know of your intentions before talking about them. I'll do this when I'm coaching people and set the standard right. So when I'm coaching people, I'll say, hey, I'm about to coach you and I'm asking you questions, and then I'll say, hey, I'm teaching you guys now, and then I'll go and teach something. Like hey, this is like some advice that's unsolicited as a friend that I don't know of, but if you take it, I think that it's going to work really well. For me, this is intuitive advice. So this is like telling, pre-framing for people my intentions, right? So, when it comes to the intellectual thing, if people are saying something that you don't agree on, if there is some sort of freedom of thought that you know you don't like and you go, oh, I don't want to say this thing, that's for you to pre-frame. Hey, just letting you guys know. I want to give a little feedback on this. Hey, just letting you guys know, like, my beliefs are a little bit different from yours and I don't want you to judge me in this, but this is my, these are my thoughts, right? So, whatever the pre-frame is for you is like, okay, what's my intention with what I'm going to say? And then you say that the second boundaries is emotional boundaries. This is how you feel about something, right? And this essentially in your emotional boundaries, is how comfortable you are with feeling emotions. You have a large range of emotions. You can feel angry, you can feel happy, and you can communicate both of them without the fear of judgment.

Speaker 1: 13:18

So let's say, for example, you overcommit to someone and you're doing something too much for them. Hey, I just want to because I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I've overcommitted to doing this task for you. I probably did it out of some sort of you know, wanting to be your friend and I get acknowledgement from you, but I realized that I'm just self-sabotaging myself doing this task, so I'm going to go and do what I want to do. Sorry about that. And then being like oh, I completely understand how you feel, like it's fair enough, you don't have to. We love you anyway. Right, that's best case scenario. So being able to communicate like that is really important, and it's also could be being able to communicate your negative feelings.

Speaker 1: 13:50

So instead of like, let's say, for example, someone like owes you money and you're friends with them, right, someone owes you money and you're really close friends with them and you want to get the money from that person. But what you do is just remain completely silent and you get angry and resentful and spiteful at that person because they owe you money, but you haven't told them that you owe them your money. You haven't reminded them. In their world, they've got a hundred million other things on. Their girlfriends are probably leaving them. They're fighting there. They're trying to get their business sorted. They're trying to focus on their health, their dad's in hospital, like who knows what someone's going through, right, and the last thing that they're thinking of is owing you money. So it's your responsibility to remind them. Nicely, hey, just want you to know I'm starting to build some resentment up towards you and I want to get rid of it, because I know that you owe me money, right, and there's this, like you know it could be $500 and there's $500 there and like, just out of principle, it's just starting to get to me at the moment and I don't want it to get in the way of our friendship. So just being able to talk about your emotions like that is extremely powerful and that can prevent you from people pleasing so well.

Speaker 1: 14:50

Third one physical boundaries. Right, so physical boundaries. Having really high physical boundaries looks like I can put my arm around someone, and you know I can put my arm around someone gay, and I can hug someone gay and not feel any sort of discrimination, right, because I'm comfortable in my own body. Be like what's up, bro, you know what I mean and hug someone who's gay and not feel anything like that. I can also do the same thing with racist or any sort of discrimination. It's like that knows that you're really comfortable in your body and you can high five people put your arm around someone and feel completely fine, right, depending on where you're at. That's like comfortable in your boundaries.

Speaker 1: 15:24

But where the physical boundaries get crossed, right Comes in regards to not just feeling comfortable in your own skin but your time, your environment, everything that happens around you. Right, and being able to you can say talk about those things and distance yourself. So let's say, for example, if you are uncomfortable with someone, ooh, I can distance myself and I can keep that distance. Hey, you just stay there. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 15:46

Like I feel uncomfortable when you get close to me at this time of the day, like you know, whatever it is, like you can kind of stay away and it's a really good way of stopping people pleasing. It could be a way, if someone's just a little bit too hands-on with you, you'd be like, hey, like I appreciate you, but like I just feel a little bit awkward when you get close to me, like that, like it's just a bit weird, just letting you know. Like sorry about that, that's my own boundaries there. Or anytime someone comes late to something, like hey, just letting you know I'm feeling angry and frustrated at you because, like you, disrespected my boundaries. Um, when someone comes into my space late, I just really don't like that um.

Speaker 1: 16:23

And then, if you start implementing those boundaries right for you, for yourself, you'll start noticing that people start crossing yours less, or you start wanting other people you what you you start, you stop desiring people, pleasing and doing things for others because you're like, wow, I've got so much freedom. I've got so much more time freedom, I've got so much better thought quality, I am so much more comfortable around people because I've set these boundaries up in a way which is stopping me from people pleasing right. So go out there, implement your boundaries, crush it. That's how you can start setting the standard with emotional fitness, and every single man needs to be using these skills on a regular basis and devoting his time to becoming the best quality man that he can be, and he can do that become a high value man by making sure that these boundaries are implemented.

Speaker 1: 17:08

Don't end up like my dad. Like, don't be like my dad was, because he's an absolute G. Now Don't be like I was Set in your boundaries and get to the next level. And if you want me to help you do this. You can join our Set, the Standard community where we're coaching you back and forth every single day, helping you become an absolute ninja and a beast at emotional fitness, communicating your boundaries so your girlfriend wants you more. You make more money in business and you can finally get dedicated to smashing the fucking gym and building a physique looking like a god Big.