Welcome to The Infinite Capacity Podcast for moms in midlife. I'm your host, Andrea Morton of Think To Thrive Coaching, and I'm here to help you discover your full potential. Are you ready to reach for the stars? Is it time to level up your life and relationships? Are you looking for inspiration? I'm excited. Let's get started with this week's episode.
Hi, everybody, how are you today and welcome to the podcast. I'm excited to be here with you on what turns out to be a really gorgeous day in Southern California. We are pretty lucky here with the weather. And I'm really happy to be talking to you about today's topic, which is something that I think... as moms and as women and just as humans... we have all experienced, probably a lot. And that is when we notice that we are being judged by other people.
In fact, I can remember when I was a young mom, taking my three kids with me tiny little kids into for example, like Costco or, you know, a department store or other situation. And I can still remember how many people would say to me, "Good luck!"
Wishing me luck with my three squirmy crazy little kids that were sometimes yelling, sometimes one would be laying on the floor and kicking their feet. Sometimes they would all be, like, squabbling with each other. And I generally probably looked fairly haggard. And thus, passersby would wish me good luck.
That's just one of many kinds of judgment, of course. But if you've been a human being, you have probably dealt with the judgment of another human being at some point.
Let's be honest, you've probably maybe judged somebody else in your life as well, and found them to be lacking.
Well, recently, I had an experience as a mom, that really stood out to me, because my nearly 14 year old daughter, who is generally just a ray of sunshine, and a very, very kind human being had some fairly strong criticism of me, she leveled some pretty strong critique at me, not just in terms of one particular incident that happened, but just actually in general as a person, which, you know, kind of feels worse.
So, without getting into the specifics, because, you know, I respect my daughter, and I want to honor her privacy, I can just say that, in general, I felt that she was judging me as a human and finding me lacking. And her words really hit me almost like a slap in the face.
So what's a mom to do? Well, my initial response was to feel pretty defensive, and also hurt.
Has that ever happened to you before, when someone that was really close to you, leveled some judgment, or maybe some critique at you and just really hit you? I put my whole heart and soul into my parenting, and I love my kids more than anything in the world. So I was really sad, and also frustrated to hear my daughter, who is generally so even tempered, and so kind, criticizing me in fairly strong terms.
I really felt the weight of her judgment. And my thought was something like, This is so unfair. I wanted to protest and say, well, “Can't you see how hard I'm working for you as a mom? And can't you understand how much I sacrifice for you and your brothers every single day?” I felt this powerful urge to defend myself and maybe even enter into a more authoritarian position, like, "Hey, I'm the mom, young lady, and I know what's happening here better than you do, I have more experience."
And I know that it is very natural and also easy if I would blame the problem on her teenage hormones or decide that because she's a teenager, she can't fully understand all the complexity of real life or what it's like to be an adult and how to make decisions as a parent.
I could choose to think these things and just dismiss the whole situation. But I think that would be doing us both a major disservice. And it would be doing you a disservice, my listeners, because today we're talking about how to deal when we feel the judgment of other people, because there is actually a lot of growth that can come from learning how to deal with the judgments of other people. So if I negate the validity of her critique, then I am denying her voice and her perspective. And I'm also denying my own chance to grow and learn from the situation.
I don't want to deny that her words may have some truth to them. And I don't want to shut her down. And I also don't want to shut down my own path toward growth. So rather than negating it, I need to actually process it and deal with what it feels like to be judged.
Now, for me, speaking only for myself, it hurts to feel judged. And that's not just with my daughter, it's whether the judgment is coming from someone like her such a close family member. And someone I really love to other people whose opinions that I value and respect like maybe my colleagues or co-workers in a former job, or my boss, or, you know, maybe from dear friends that are really close to me, or maybe from in laws or just from people that I meet while traveling.
I don't love the feeling of being judged, because it feels uncomfortable. And I don't know how you react. But I have a tendency to react in less healthy ways. When I feel judged, especially before I knew about mindset management. Like maybe when I felt judged, I might lash back at a person that I felt was judging me, or maybe I would just judge them in return. That I think was probably the way it was for me 10 years ago.
But today, I want to give you a few really valuable strategies for what you can do when you feel like you're being judged by another person in your life, someone whose opinion you care about, so that you can grow through the experience the way that I am learning to do, and use it as a fuel for your journey to become the best version of yourself possible.
How awesome is that... we can take these moments, and we can turn them into our path forward. I have four really good tips for you today. And I'm going to take you through them using the same example with my daughter. And I'm excited to see what you think. So first off, and this is probably the most crucial thing of all, you need to get a handle on the actual situation, which means you need to get good at recognizing when you are feeling judged.
Not after you've reacted to it. But actually as you are experiencing it. As you know, I helped run a coaching collective called Growth and Grace and our our collective, we call this the "N" in our process, which is called INTERO. So the N stands for noticing, you need to notice what you are thinking and feeling.
When you are experiencing the judgment of others, it's really important to be able to identify it before you react. So much of what we think and feel happens to us so quickly in life, that we don't always notice what's happening inside of ourselves, or how we're responding to it till it's over.
So the first step in dealing with the judgment of others is to become very acutely aware, sensitive to what your body feels like, and what thoughts you think when you are experiencing the judgment of another person. So I can give you an example of this when I feel judged, I tend to clench my stomach and my job. I don't breathe in as deeply. My breaths are pretty shallow. And that is a telltale sign for me. 'Oh, something's going on. Wait, am I feeling judged.' I can also start feeling emotions that are like frustration or disappointment, or as I mentioned, hurt.
So if I find myself clenching my jaw or my gut, and I'm also feeling frustrated at the same time, that is a pretty good clue that maybe I am feeling someone else's judgment right now.
It's really important for you to be able to know your clues and your tells for that. And the way you notice is how your body is reacting, and what thoughts are coming into your brain before you react. So what are your clues that you're feeling judged? And what do you notice about yourself when this is happening to you?
If you happen to be anywhere near your phone or a piece of paper, when you're listening to this, you can write it down. And if you're not, then just kind of bookmark this podcast and come back to it when you are near something you can write with, and then you can maybe journal on this in order to sort of flesh out for yourself, 'Well what do I feel when I'm getting judged?'
Now, once you notice that your body and your mind are experiencing a sense that you are being judged by someone else? The first and most important step after the noticing.
Step number two is to process that feeling and allow it to become self compassion. Okay, so first you've noticed it. And now you're going to head straight into self compassion, which means that you are going to on purpose, treat yourself with kindness, and understanding, rather than piling on to that discomfort.
Yeah, how do we pile on to our own discomfort? Well, sometimes we pile on, because we feel that someone else is judging us. And then we start to judge ourself, which makes it even worse. And other times, we feel that someone's being judgmental of us, and then maybe we pile on by starting to judge them back, you know, and that actually doesn't make us feel any better, either.
So in the case of my daughter that I was mentioning, rather than me responding by either judging her and saying to myself, well, what does she know, she's just a teenager, which would immediately diminish her value, and ignore an opportunity for me to understand where she's coming from.
Or, rather than judging myself and saying, "Ah, see, she thinks I'm not a great mom. And she must be right!" I can instead do neither of those things. And I can just notice what I'm feeling in my gut in my brain, and then I can go in into an intentional practice of self compassion, and say to myself, "Wow, I noticed that I'm feeling really disappointed. When I hear those words from my daughter, gosh, it's totally normal and natural, that I would be feeling so sad. To hear those words from someone that I love so much. It's understandable that I'm feeling a little bit let down or hurt in this moment, because I'm a mom who really cares about her kids. So it makes sense that hearing these words from one of my kids, and knowing that she's viewing me with a critical lens, it feels really uncomfortable." Do you notice how I noticed and went into compassion, without actually judging her OR judging me?
See, I wasn't getting defensive. I wasn't lashing out. I wasn't making it worse, I was just normalizing my discomfort. And talking to myself really kindly, in that moment, talking to myself, just like I would talk to my best friend if she had called me and told me that she was having a rough day. So let's try to bring this back to you.
Okay, how could you speak to yourself or treat yourself with great self compassion and kindness and care? How could you do that? In a moment when you were feeling the judgment of others? What would you say to yourself? What would you do to be extremely self compassionate?
Now the third step in the process of navigating the judgment of another person on you, is to use it the opportunity to reframe their judgment, instead focusing on your own personal growth.
So instead of getting upset, you can notice what you're feeling. Have compassion for yourself, and then reframe by telling yourself something like, Hey, this is an unexpected opportunity I'm getting today to learn and grow. "Hmm, How do her words, right now, as painful as they may be, to me align with any goals that I might have for myself?
Do any of her thoughts, dovetail with my thoughts about myself or goals that I have for myself?" So trying to find out where is the growth in this moment? For example, if my daughter is criticizing the way I dealt with a conflict between her two older brothers, I can ask myself, "Hmm, does what she's saying right now make sense? Do her words dovetail with my goal, which is actually to have smoother conversations between all of our family members?" That can help us move the ball forward.
Maybe I can then ask her to explain some more about what she's thinking or seeing, rather than just me getting defensive or upset with her for pointing out whatever it was that she saw and thought was relevant.
So by developing a growth mindset, and then embracing my own challenges, and even my failures as actual opportunities where I can learn and grow, I can use this situation to lift myself up and push me forward on my path toward becoming a better person, rather than letting my brain use it as evidence of any of my own personal shortcomings.
Now, we have one more tip today. The last tip I want to share with you is to remember how to set healthy boundaries in a very gentle way. Because boundaries are for you. They're not against the other people in your life. So if I set a boundary with my 14 year old daughter, she well she's 13. She's almost 14. Well, if I set a boundary with her. It is not because I'm trying to punish her, I am actually setting a boundary a healthy one just to protect myself it is to keep my heart, my mind and my body intact and thriving, even when people around me are not like, you know, just spouting words of poetry and delight.
So remember, boundaries are for you. They're not against other people in your life. They're to keep YOUR heart, mind and body intact and thriving.
A healthy boundary is not punitive. Instead, it is protective. You can assert your own values and your beliefs in a calm and kind way, which can help the people in your life to understand the things that are acceptable to you and what's not.
It can also help reduce the impact of their judgment on you. For example, I could say to my daughter, “You have every right to have those opinions or points of view. But if you're going to share them with me in an unkind tone, then I am going to leave the room until we can speak more reasonably with each other.” Now, this sends the message that I'm open to her thoughts, and that we can speak honestly about differing views. But my boundary is that it's very important to speak, even honesty, with respect and courtesy, and a good tone of voice. So that's pretty important.
Today, I have shared with you four different ways that you can better deal with the judgment of other people in your life. So let's review them really fast.
Number one, if you feel that you are dealing with being judged, you should notice what's happening in your body, and get really good at identifying the feelings and sensations and also the thoughts that come along with feeling judged. So that you can be like, oh, wait a second, I'm going into a sense of feeling judged. That matters, so that we don't just automatically react.
Now once you know you're being judged, and you're feeling judged, you can go into a state of self compassion, you can really love on yourself, be very kind.
And then once you're ready, you can reframe that judgment as an opportunity for personal growth or reflection. And finally, you can set some healthy boundaries that are for YOU.
And then follow those boundaries for your own health and well being.
It's totally natural that you're going to run into situations in life, when you will be at the receiving end of judgment of other people. That's just how life works. Because humans judge, you know, and we do it probably because we're always protecting ourselves from danger, we are always trying to make sure to avoid pain and seek pleasure and do so efficiently, which you know, is the motivational triad. So all this is very normal.
Whether you're getting judged by your kids or family members, or colleagues or friends or even strangers, there are very few humans that escaped the experience of feeling judged by others.
However, if you can come into it equipped with these four tools, the strategies, you're likely to embrace the judgment in a different way. And then squeeze whatever growth or truth out of it like you can kind of what they say about when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. So far from harming you, you may ultimately look back on their words of judgment as a gift that really helped you grow.
And even if you don't, you will be very proud of how you showed up for yourself, and how you manage your emotions and actions in the process of doing so. So that is all really, really helpful. Now, one last thing, in addition to self compassion, it's amazing how much compassion by itself can actually change the flow of things if you are in a judging situation.
There are always going to be people in your life who's going to have a narrow vision or strong opinions about you. You know, everybody's a critic sometimes. But do you remember that saying about how 'the surest way to destroy an enemy is to turn them into your friend.' That's actually really profoundly true.
So if you feel yourself or when you feel yourself, being judged by somebody in your life, see if you can work on building your empathy and your compassion for them. See if you can try to put yourself into their shoes for at least a few minutes, to better understand where they're coming from, and why they might be judging you. Try to understand them, what their own goals or hopes may be what they're trying to accomplish by saying these words to you.
If your boss, for example, is telling you that he needs the report that you've been working on yesterday, and he actively judges you for not having finished it yet, try to remember that despite whatever his choice of words are or his tone, that there may be a good reason behind why he needs that report. It could be that he has a boss that he's reporting to. It could be that he has a huge deadline that he can't complete without your report. Your boss may be under a lot of pressure, there could be hundreds of reasons why he's judging you.
So if you move toward empathy and compassion for him, not only will you keep yourself motivated to finish your work, but you're also going to be able to move forward more gracefully toward actually completing the project because you are feeling that warmth of compassion rather than stewing and resentment and frustration.
Compassion just feels good. And it is actually the best of all for the person who's feeling it. So if you can move yourself into a place of compassion, you are going to feel so much better rather than stewing and resentment and frustration, you're going to be filled with that warmth, of compassion that really makes you genuinely want to complete your project. Let's face it, we've all been judged, and we have all judged others at some point in our lives.
But as Maya Angelou once said, "When we know better, we do better." Thank goodness for the mindset management tools and strategies that can help us to navigate how to deal when others are judging us how to grow from it, and how to do better. And that's what I have for you today.
All right, everybody. We'll be back soon with more great new episodes of The Infinite Capacity Podcast. If you'd like to keep in touch between now and then follow me on Instagram or Facebook @thinktothrivecoaching, or you can check out my passion project, the reasonably priced Growth and Grace Coaching Collective at www.growthandgracecoaching.com. Have you left your five star review yet for The Infinite Capacity Podcast? You can do so now on Apple podcasts or your favorite podcasting platform. It's easy and quick to do and we would appreciate it so much. Have a fantastic week!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai