Hello and welcome to Bold Brown British, the podcast where we talk about life as a brown person in modern British society. I’m your host, Quarina, and today we’re diving into a topic that’s as inevitable as taxes, but a lot less fun – death and dealing with grief. Yes, we're going to talk about the big D. And no, I don’t mean divorce or dating disasters, though those can feel pretty deadly too.
Now, if you're thinking, "Quarina, couldn’t we have talked about something lighter like Brexit or the weather?" I hear you. But here's the thing: death and grief are universal experiences. They don’t discriminate based on race, religion, or the number of times you’ve spilled curry on your white shirt.
So, grab your chai, settle in, and let’s have a chat about how we, as brown folks, navigate this heavy topic in our own unique way. Trust me, we’ll even find some moments to laugh along the way – because if we didn’t, we’d just cry, and no one wants to ruin their eyeliner this early in the episode.
Segment 1: Cultural Context of Death
Let’s start with the cultural context. In many brown communities, death is not just an end; it's a significant event steeped in tradition and ritual. Whether you’re Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Christian, or follow any other faith, you’ll find that there are specific ways we’re expected to handle the departure of a loved one.
For instance, in Hinduism, there’s the concept of ‘Antim Sanskar’ – the last rites. These rituals can be quite elaborate, involving everything from chanting prayers to bathing the body, to lighting the funeral pyre. It’s a deeply spiritual process meant to help the soul find its way to the afterlife.
Muslims have their own set of rituals, often involving a swift burial, within 24 hours if possible. This includes washing the body, wrapping it in a simple white shroud, and offering prayers known as Salat al-Janazah. The focus here is on simplicity and humility in death, reflecting the idea that we all return to the earth from which we came.
In Sikhism, there’s the belief in reincarnation and the soul’s journey to merge with the divine. Funerals are often a mix of solemnity and celebration, with the community gathering to sing hymns and reflect on the life of the departed.
And let’s not forget the more modern, less religious approaches some of us might take – like planning a “celebration of life” instead of a traditional funeral. These can involve anything from a slideshow of embarrassing childhood photos to a playlist of the deceased’s favourite Bhangra hits.
Segment 2: Personal Stories and Experiences
Now, let's get personal. I remember the first time I dealt with death. It was when my grandfather passed away. He was a remarkable man, full of wisdom and a passion for cricket that could rival any die-hard fan. Our relationship was filled with love and the occasional battle over the television remote.
You see, my grandfather and I had a long-standing feud. I wanted to watch cartoons – specifically, anything with bright colours and catchy theme songs. He, on the other hand, was devoted to cricket. Every test match, every ODI, every single ball bowled was a source of endless fascination for him. And naturally, this led to some memorable clashes.
I remember one instance vividly. It was a Saturday morning, and my favourite cartoon was on. I had secured the remote and was comfortably nestled on the sofa, lost in the animated world. Just as I was getting to the good part, my grandfather walked in, looked at the TV, and with a twinkle in his eye, said, “Beta, it’s time for cricket.”
What ensued was a fierce but playful tug-of-war. He’d change the channel to the cricket match, I’d wait for him to get engrossed and then switch it back to my cartoon. This back-and-forth would continue until one of us conceded – usually me, because how could I argue with his excited commentary on every run scored and every wicket taken?
When he passed away, the house felt strangely silent. The TV was mostly off, and the cricket matches played on in my head as echoes of our time together. I realised how much those little battles over the remote had meant. They were more than just disagreements over what to watch; they were moments of connection, filled with laughter and love.
That’s the thing about grief in our communities – it’s never just about sorrow. It’s a mix of emotions, a rollercoaster that takes you from sobbing to laughing within minutes. And that’s okay. It’s part of the healing process.
I also think about the first time I had to attend a funeral as an adult. My friend’s father had passed away, and I was nervous about going. I didn’t know what to say or do. Should I bring flowers? Offer a hug? Make a curry? (Because, let’s be honest, food is our love language).
When I got there, I realised that just being present was enough. I didn’t need to have the right words or gestures. Sometimes, just showing up and sitting quietly is the best support you can offer. It’s a silent way of saying, “I’m here, and I care.”
Segment 3: Dealing with Grief
Grief is a complex beast. It doesn’t follow a timeline or a set of rules. It’s messy, unpredictable, and sometimes shows up when you least expect it – like during a random episode of Bake Off when someone’s cake reminds you of a family recipe.
One of the hardest parts of grief is dealing with the emotional aftermath. The sadness, the anger, the guilt. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to managing these feelings, but here are a few things that might help:
- Talk About It: Whether it’s with family, friends, or a therapist, talking about your grief can be incredibly healing. It helps to get those emotions out in the open instead of bottling them up.
- Rituals and Remembrance: Engaging in rituals, whether traditional or personal, can provide comfort. Lighting a candle, saying a prayer, or even just setting aside time to reflect on your loved one can create a sense of connection and continuity.
- Take Care of Yourself: Grief can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Make sure to take care of your health – eat well, get some rest, and don’t be afraid to take a break when you need it.
- Seek Support: There’s no shame in seeking professional help. Grief counselling or support groups can offer a safe space to express your feelings and find solace in the company of others who understand what you’re going through.
- Humour and Joy: It might seem counterintuitive, but finding moments of joy and laughter is crucial. Watch a funny movie, reminisce about the good times, and allow yourself to smile without guilt. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be miserable forever.
Segment 4: The Intersection of Culture and Personal Grief
As brown Brits, we often navigate the intersection of cultural expectations and personal grief. Our communities can be incredibly supportive, but they can also be a bit overwhelming with their advice and opinions.
Aunty-ji might insist you follow certain rituals to the letter, while Uncle-ji will have strong opinions on how long you should mourn. And let’s not forget the never-ending stream of food. Because apparently, eating your body weight in samosas is the ultimate remedy for a broken heart.
It’s important to remember that while traditions can provide structure and comfort, your grief journey is your own. You don’t have to follow every custom or meet every expectation. It’s okay to say no, to set boundaries, and to grieve in your own way.
Segment 5: Moving Forward
Moving forward after a loss doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one. It means finding a new way to carry them with you. It might be through small daily rituals, like making their favourite dish or listening to their favourite music. It might be through larger gestures, like starting a charity in their name or pursuing a dream they had for you.
Remember, it’s okay to move forward. It doesn’t mean you’re leaving them behind. It means you’re honouring their memory by continuing to live your life fully and joyfully.
Conclusion
So, that’s it for today’s episode. We’ve talked about the cultural context of death, shared personal stories, and explored ways to deal with grief. I hope this conversation has been as healing for you as it has been for me.
Grief is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to define it. It’s a journey, one that we navigate with the love and support of our communities, and sometimes, with a little bit of humour.
Thank you for joining me on Bold Brown British. If you have any thoughts, stories, or tips on dealing with grief, please share them with us. You can reach out on our social media channels or drop us an email. Let’s continue this conversation and support each other through the ups and downs of life.
Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. And remember, even in the darkest times, there’s always room for a little bit of light and laughter.