Art of Homeschooling Podcast

Setting Boundaries

April 01, 2024 • Jean Miller • Season 1 • Episode 176

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EP176: Embark on a journey of self-discovery with us as we unravel the threads of healthy boundary setting in our personal lives, a conversation that holds particular significance for homeschooling parents juggling the demands of their children with their own well-being. Tune in to gain heartfelt insights and compassionate strategies that will equip you to establish boundaries with love and respect. Through tales of acceptance and the transformative power of self-reflection, we'll guide you to foster a deeper connection with yourself, laying the groundwork for more meaningful relationships with those around you. Be sure to check out the three simple steps to setting boundaries and clues to when you need to set one. Join us for an empowering discussion that promises to inspire a gentler approach to life's challenges.

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Speaker 1:

You're listening to the Art of Homeschooling podcast, where we help parents cultivate creativity and connection at home. I'm your host, jean Miller, and here on this podcast you'll find stories and inspiration to bring you the confidence you need to make homeschooling work for your family. Let's begin. Welcome to a new episode here on the podcast. I'm so happy you're here Today. We're tackling a topic that can be challenging for some of us and that is setting boundaries, really deciding what we will and will not do for others, and I can't wait to share some really practical strategies with you today. But before we get there, I want to say how incredibly grateful I am for you and for the community of podcast listeners here on this show. I just love hearing how helpful this podcast is for homeschooling parents. It's what motivates me truly.

Speaker 1:

Just last week, lacey wrote this review my absolute favorite homeschool podcast. Every single episode is full of so much wisdom. I often listen to episodes more than once just to take it all in. I'm so grateful for everything Jean shares and I love how relatable, authentic and encouraging she is. If I'm feeling overwhelmed in our homeschool, jean's podcast always grounds me and brings me peace. I love how she shares her advice in such a simple and practical way. Every episode leaves me with a fresh perspective and new ideas that I can use right away in our homeschool. What a treat. To hear that so many listeners tell me that when they're having a rough homeschooling day, they turn to my podcast for reassurance and encouragement Warms my heart. If that's you and you want to leave a review, you can go to lovethepodcastcom. Slash art of homeschooling and share your thoughts. It really does help other homeschoolers to find the show. So thank you, and now onto the episode.

Speaker 1:

Let's start by acknowledging that our closest relationships call on us to be vulnerable, and today we're taking an honest look at setting boundaries. This is often one of the hardest things we do in our relationships, in our families to express our wants and needs, set limits and communicate all of that with our loved ones. So in this episode I want to offer you some strategies and tips for working with boundaries in a healthy way. Boundaries can actually help us feel safe and grounded, and setting them with compassion and kindness takes a little practice. This exploration of boundaries falls into the category of what's often referred to as inner work, the reflection and personal growth we engage in because when we get stronger from the inside out, we can come to accept our circumstances as they are, without judgment, and communicate clearly with those we love. If, after listening to this episode, you find you could use some more support in the area of inner work and setting boundaries, come explore the masterclass Inner Work Journey inside the Inspired at Home community. This masterclass is just one of a treasure trove of trainings and inside it you'll find lessons on self-compassion, self-talk and self-preservation to give you enlightening techniques to help you overcome that feeling of not enough that we often experience as homeschooling parents. You can find all the details about the Inspired at Home community at artofhomeschoolingcom slash inspiredathome I'll be sure to put a link to that in the show notes. Inspired at Home I'll be sure to put a link to that in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

Okay, back to boundaries. We all know that being in relationship with others with our partners, our kiddos is really where the growth happens, and these relationships almost always involve working with boundaries, distinguishing our wants and needs from those of the people around us. So today let's get into some real talk about this sometimes challenging topic of setting boundaries. I want to help you create and hold the emotional space for your family without losing yourself. Here's a great thought to start us off. Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have. This is why inner work is so important to us as parents and homeschoolers, and setting boundaries is really a form of self-love and even self-preservation. Think about that for a moment.

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Author Brene Brown says daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves when we risk disappointing others. I find that so many of us have a fear of disappointing others. I hear this from homeschooling parents all the time and honestly, I know this sometimes holds us back from setting boundaries at all. So let's zoom out for just a moment to talk about acceptance. I did a whole podcast episode on acceptance and I'll be sure to link it in the show notes, because before we even get to boundary setting, we need to begin by accepting our circumstances without judgment, without calling a particular situation good or bad and without longing for it to be different. This makes setting boundaries so much more clear, and I know how hard this is.

Speaker 1:

Here's just a super simple example of why starting with acceptance is so important. Say, your child is throwing food at the dinner table at mealtimes. Often what we do when our children behave like this is we judge, we think we're bad parents, like we must be doing something wrong or there's something wrong with our kiddo, they're being defiant or manipulative, and all those thoughts give us the result of feeling miserable at mealtimes. We might do nothing or we might yell, but in either case we're not really helping the situation because we're frozen by this feeling of just wanting it to go away. Maybe you've been there. But if we start by accepting the circumstance and thinking something neutral, like oh right, sometimes kids throw food at mealtimes, then what's possible expands, it opens up, and we can then choose how we respond, from a place of love and acceptance rather than judgment and shame and dread. When we can accept our circumstance as neutral, just matter-of-factly, we can begin to wrap our minds around how we can help and how to set a boundary. We start with acceptance of our circumstances, because that really gives us some authority over our lives. This is super important because so often we think that different circumstances would change how we feel and make everything better. Right, but the truth is we can't change the circumstance, but what we can change are the results, and we do that by changing how we think, feel and what we do about that circumstance. So start with acceptance.

Speaker 1:

Boundaries come into play in so many areas of our day-to-day lives. Setting boundaries can include saying no, asking for space, dividing up the household chores, setting time limits or even clarifying how you feel. On a personal note, setting boundaries is something I've really struggled with all my life, and I hear this from a lot of homeschooling parents, especially moms. This might be true for you too. I'll just say briefly that I continue to work on boundaries to this day. I think it will be a lifetime of work. I don't know about you, but I didn't grow up in a family where there was a lot of healthy boundary setting. I know this is true for many of us. In my family of origin there was just a lot of controlling and manipulative behavior, not very healthy role models for parenting or even individual personal growth. So setting boundaries and honoring other people's boundaries wasn't something I had much experience or practice with when I became a parent. I share that.

Speaker 1:

Just to encourage you to be gentle with yourself Wherever you are with. Boundaries is perfectly fine. You might be really comfortable with them or you might just be at the very beginning of your journey and even your awareness of boundaries. I just want to acknowledge that this is emotional work and it can even be emotionally triggering. So be really extra gentle with yourself, all right, what exactly is a boundary?

Speaker 1:

I'm going to give you a few different ways to think about boundaries here. A boundary is a limit or a space between you and another person, a clear space where you begin and the other person ends. It could be a physical or emotional boundary or limit between you and another person. The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect you, to protect yourself and take good care of yourself. Another definition is that a boundary is a definite place where your responsibility ends and the other person's begins. This can stop you from doing things for others when they could or should do them for themselves. So sometimes we want to tell someone that we're not willing to do a certain thing because we know that they can. This might be as simple as when your child is starting to learn to tie their shoes, and we might wanna say to them you try, or you do it when they come to us over and over again asking for help, because sometimes children need a lot of time to practice a new skill and setting a boundary stops you from doing things for others that they can do for themselves. So just to circle back to the idea of acceptance that I mentioned earlier, setting boundaries works so much better if we let go of the judgment and annoyance first. Keep that in mind Super important tip.

Speaker 1:

One more idea I want to share is that a boundary also prevents you from rescuing someone from the consequences of their poor choices or even their destructive behavior that they need to experience in order to grow. Sometimes it can help us to think in terms of the fact that we're robbing someone else of an important learning experience if we don't set a boundary. I know this is hard and, of course, as mothers or parents and teachers, we really want to allow our children to experience the consequence of their behavior in order to learn, but we also often have this competing desire to rescue them from pain. It's important for us to explore all of this, to begin to think about what our relationship to boundary setting is. So just take some time to think about what your relationship is to boundaries and boundary setting. It's different for each one of us, and you might even want to do some journaling about it if this is an area that you want to explore further.

Speaker 1:

Here are some questions you could ask yourself. Do you feel shame or judgment or fear that you're being selfish when you say no or try to set a limit or set a boundary? Do you avoid setting a boundary out of concern that you'll disappoint someone? Okay, so now let's take some time to talk about how to set a boundary. Learning to set boundaries can be a little tricky, because we want them to be not too loose and not too rigid. Right, I have definitely gone from one extreme to the other on setting boundaries. So, as I said in the beginning, setting boundaries takes practice, and healthy boundaries can guard us from burnout and actually can give us a sense of relief once we set them.

Speaker 1:

Often, feeling resentful is a sign that we need to set a boundary. Resentment is a clue that we're not feeling either respected or taken care of, like our own needs aren't being met and that we're giving, giving, giving. And, believe me, communicating your boundaries, rather than fostering resentment, is a much healthier way to go. Simply saying no, firmly and kindly, is a way of setting a boundary. Here are three simple steps to setting boundaries. Number one choose the situation and decide on the boundary that you want to set. Number two communicate your boundary in a kind, firm and clear way. What will you do or not do in that given situation? And number three decide what you'll do if a person crosses that boundary the consequence.

Speaker 1:

Here are a few examples of clear boundary statements. I want our conversations to be respectful. So if you yell at me again, I'm going to leave the room. Or I like having a tidy family room. So when you leave your toys all over the floor all week, I'm going to pick them up on Fridays and put them away until the next weekend. You see where we're going with this. Just a super simple sentence stated in a kind and clear but firm way.

Speaker 1:

So maybe you're feeling a little bit of resentment about a certain situation and you are thinking that you're going to set a boundary by communicating that to your loved one, friend or colleague in a really clear and concise way. Remember to keep it super simple and avoid over explaining. Many of us, especially when we're new at this or feel like we don't really deserve setting a boundary the boundary we're thinking of we tend to over explain ourselves. That's why I like to think in terms of one or two sentences. That's all you really need.

Speaker 1:

Here's another pitfall Don't wait until you're so angry you can't stand it anymore before you set the boundary. I used to only set boundaries when I was angry, because I would take it and take it and take it, not even realizing the resentment was building up, and then I'd be so angry that I had to do something and I'd just blow up. So be wary of these challenges. Also, remember that we don't get to control whether somebody else agrees with our boundary. We just get to state our limits and then they get to choose how they respond. That's it. We're not setting the boundary to try to manipulate someone into doing something. We just want to be clear about what our limits are. Be sure to give yourself some grace and space, because you will make mistakes, especially if you're new to this. We all deserve to learn, to take good care of ourselves and to be heard, and this means behaving according to our values and beliefs, feeling safe enough to express difficult emotions, feeling supported, not taking on responsibility for someone else's happiness, and being in tune with our feelings.

Speaker 1:

As I said in the beginning, if you want more help with boundary setting, come explore the Masterclass Inner Work journey inside the Inspired at Home community. Setting boundaries from a place of love creates healthy relationships. So now I invite you to choose a situation that perhaps you're feeling some resentment about and make a plan to set a boundary. Maybe the situation has to do with the balance of household chores or who cooks dinner. Maybe it's around putting kids to bed or the way your preteen talks to you. Just write down a situation where you're feeling some resentment or where there's a little bit of stickiness or something in the situation that's just not sitting right with you, and then write down some ideas of a limit you could set, like, perhaps, that you're willing to cook dinner four nights a week and on the other nights everyone fends for themselves or someone else cooks. Perhaps you want to say that you'll leave the room when somebody speaks to you disrespectfully. After you brainstorm some ideas, you might choose to share them with your partner or a friend to get some feedback. Then start practicing setting those boundaries. Some feedback, then start practicing setting those boundaries.

Speaker 1:

I'll leave you with this quote that I found on a calendar years ago. I cut it out and I still have this, many years later, in the front of my planner. We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice. Thanks so much for tuning in today. You can find the show notes for this episode at artofhomeschoolingcom slash episode 176,. Heartofhomeschoolingcom slash episode 176. And I'm wishing you well on your boundary setting journey. That's all for today, my friend, but here's what I want you to remember Rather than perfection, let's focus on connection. Thanks so much for listening and I'll see you on the next episode of the Art of Homeschooling podcast.