Hungry Dog Barbell Podcast
Steph McConnell's Journey from Rock Bottom
Meet Steph McConnell who shares her compelling story of overcoming substance abuse to become a competitive Masters athlete and successful owner of CrossFit Reconstructed . Steph's resilience and the power of a supportive community shine through, as she recounts her journey and how CrossFit played a crucial role in her recovery and personal growth.
, Steph reveals the raw and honest details of her battle with addiction, from early experimentation to hitting rock bottom, and the pivotal moments that led her to seek help. Her journey through rehab, the struggles of withdrawal, and the relentless fight towards a healthier lifestyle provide hope and inspiration. Through fitness, particularly CrossFit, Steph found a path to recovery and personal transformation, emphasizing the importance of support networks and the relentless spirit required to rebuild one’s life.
Meet Steph McConnell who shares her compelling story of overcoming substance abuse to become a competitive Masters athlete and successful owner of CrossFit Reconstructed . Steph's resilience and the power of a supportive community shine through, as she recounts her journey and how CrossFit played a crucial role in her recovery and personal growth.
, Steph reveals the raw and honest details of her battle with addiction, from early experimentation to hitting rock bottom, and the pivotal moments that led her to seek help. Her journey through rehab, the struggles of withdrawal, and the relentless fight towards a healthier lifestyle provide hope and inspiration. Through fitness, particularly CrossFit, Steph found a path to recovery and personal transformation, emphasizing the importance of support networks and the relentless spirit required to rebuild one’s life.
What's up, dogs? Welcome back to the Hungry Dog Barbell Podcast. This week I'm joined by Stephanie Switek, aka Steph McConnell, owner of CrossFit Reconstructed Vault Group, nutrition Coach and also competitive Masters athlete. Steph chatted with me to tell her story of her long time of struggle with substance abuse, the countless setbacks and feelings of rock bottom that she felt and eventually overcoming to just make the next right choice every single day. Steph was able to overcome her drug abuse by a network of people that never gave up on her and her sheer will of resilience. Tune in to hear her story and I hope you enjoy it.
Speaker 2:As an affiliate owner and coach. I loved it. I thought it was great for the community. It was super easy to run, it was super easy to execute, it was minimal equipment. It didn't require six pages of standards that you had to explain Like last year we had to make videos because they were a little bit complicated. It was just so much easier to judge to explain Like last year we had to make videos cause they were a little bit complicated. Um, and it was just so much easier to judge to run, it was just so much more fun, um, we had I think we had a little bit more participation. We usually have a lot of people we have like 60% of our gym do it. So, um, that was pretty steady, if not a little bit more Um, cause I think people saw the workouts and they're like oh, I can use a dumbbell, I can do burpees.
Speaker 1:Regular workout yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So that was really cool. I like that and, like I said, it didn't require taping or like rearranging the entire gym for the most part. So I really liked it and just it's always such a good time with the community to see everybody and what they can do and what they never thought they were capable of. So, right, loved it. Three weeks was great and just getting it done in three weeks and moving on. So, and then um, quarterfinals I liked um.
Speaker 2:I was a little bit hesitant about the increase, little bit hesitant about the increase um, not a huge fan of that, but it did give a lot of people like seeing people that never, ever in a million years, thought they would qualify for quarter finals and just seeing like how that made them feel um, as an athlete was pretty cool. I mean they're like man, I never dreamed that I would do this and they made the cut line and that just made them feel really good about themselves. So it was, it was good to see that as a coach, um, but as an athlete, you know, I mean I I still strive for the top 10% Um, so it didn't really affect me one way or the other as far as the 25%, except that there was more people competing. Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 1:I totally hear that. Like when it first came out I was like it's kind of weird to just let more people in the exclusive club.
Speaker 1:You know, I mean I don't want to be super douchey and saying that, but like it's kind of what it's supposed to be right, like you earned the right to move on yeah but then I I don't think I'll ever forget the first time one of our members who is super fit at the gym you know like crushes workouts, her life is about like health and wellness and everything, but she just doesn't put any extra hours into it. I'll never forget, like when we told her after the first workout that she was at 74th and if she tried the next two weeks she would make quarterfinals. And like you see it in her eyes and you hear it in her response that she was excited by that.
Speaker 2:I was like oh okay, that's pretty cool yeah, you know for sure that was cool. I was a little nervous about um, like okay, we had 22 people, I think, qualifying like um, guess we're gonna have to do this in class without knowing, like we have a very small gym, so without knowing, like, what are they gonna do? Do we have floor plans? Like last year was a pretty big headache, for setting up floor plans and there were so many pages of rules and standards and just going through like all that with all those people that have never done quarterfinals before and videoing.
Speaker 2:I was like this is gonna be a lot of work and I'm trying to compete, you know. So, um, I did a couple or I did a workshop beforehand before they um announced that they weren't doing floor plans um with everyone, and it was really cool. We got to like do a mock quarterfinals workout and showed everyone like you know, this is how you set up a camera, this is how you read the directions, this is how you tape it and a lot of people were just like not doing that, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 2:So I'm like, all right, you don't have to do that, you know. So it kind of helped them decide if that's something they wanted to do or not. And then I think, you know, once the workouts came out, a lot of people were just like I'm not really going to go much further, but it was cool that they had the opportunity to.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and you set them up for success by having that workshop beforehand. That's really cool, like that's. I don't think I've ever heard that before from like a affiliate owner whose people don't go to the games, you know, and that's like that can alleviate so many headaches, to set people up for success in that way. That's really cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was trying to prep everyone as much as possible. You know, selfishly, I wanted to get it all out of the way so I could just focus on myself that weekend as much as possible, while still, you know, helping them as much as I could. And then, um, if, like, they could do one freaking thing different. It's like, if you're going to include that many people don't put rope climbs in because, like, there's, we don't have 15 foot ropes, so it's like we got to herd all these people to another gym.
Speaker 2:It was just that was a nightmare. I was like this is so annoying. Can you please not do that?
Speaker 1:yeah, we had a bunch of people from other gyms doing that last year, also for the quarterfinals.
Speaker 2:And it's fine if you only have a couple people, but if you've got 20 people, that's rough.
Speaker 1:I know people that are sending boatloads. You know, when you get up and up to 25%, it's crazy. And we were talking about, like the floor plans man, that workout 2023, that was a repeat from years past where you had to have the rower, the barbell and the rings. That was a nightmare, like it was. It was a nightmare to run anything more than like six in a heat because of how our gym was set up. You know, and I'm sure so many people experience that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:So now you've been talking about a little bit bit, but tell me more about you as an athlete in the quarterfinals and the open. Like for the open first did you? How'd you feel about the test?
Speaker 2:um, I mean I, they open every year for me. I don't really, I I try don't get me wrong like, but I, that's just kind of like. You know, I don't, I don't give like 110% effort. I would say, um, I'm running Friday night lights making sure everybody's having a good time. So I like do my thing earlier in the day, just get it out of the way and kind of move on. So I mean it's kind of nice that the the events are I don't want to say they're not easy in any way, but they're not that like high skill, right, so I can just go in and do the burpees and the snatches and just, you know's nice that they're like that, because it's much less stressful for me and I can just do it and move on to like to the friday night lights and do all that stuff with the community. So, um, and then so quarterfinals um, I placed 205, so I was five spots away from semi finals this year man yeah, so a little fire under my ass for now, not that I didn't have one.
Speaker 2:But I was like are you fucking kidding me? Like yeah five spots. My coach and I were breaking it down and it was like painfully aware of like a couple reps here, a couple reps there and a workout yeah and it would have been different.
Speaker 1:So hold on before you keep going. What's like your jam? What's like your like? You see this workout come up and you're like I'm gonna fucking demolish this like a barbell and a sprint, like anything, like three rounds per time.
Speaker 1:Give me a barbell and a dumbbell or some toes bar or something like that, anything really fast and everything is really uh long and yeah short sprints, heavy barbell yeah hell yeah, got a little bit of that dog mentality like yo. Just let me loose yes, for sure I love that. So then, what did you do for quarterfinals? Like, did you do the same? I'm gonna do it earlier, or the day, and then let the group go at night so I could run that, or was a little bit different no, it was more um.
Speaker 2:So we set it up. Once we knew how many people were doing it, I was kind of able to adjust my plan and be like all right, I can. Actually, me and Maddie, pretty much we did everything together that weekend. So most of the athletes were able to do it either during class or because we did run it for classes. So everyone had the opportunity to do it If they couldn't come for open gym. And then some people did it for classes, so everyone had the opportunity to do it.
Speaker 2:Um, if they couldn't come for open gym. And then some people did it for open gym, um, but there was just like so much time they could do it. They had six. We had six days to do it, so it was like I was able to do almost all of them twice. That's how much time I had, so, um, so yeah, I just did them, them when it made sense for me.
Speaker 1:That's great. You just said that there was so much time. There was fewer workouts this year right than in years past.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was four workouts, six days and there was a little bit of submission.
Speaker 1:The submission windows were a little bit different. I remember telling that same girl I was talking about earlier. She's a schoolteacher and I'm like, hey, you qualify for quarterfinals. You might have to like get a half day, if there's somewhere, if you want to complete all these workouts and like not absolutely destroy yourself, cause a lot of people had to do that a year's past.
Speaker 2:Well, I know this comes up for workouts six days, you know, go have a life.
Speaker 1:I'm like all right, CrossFit, completely change it up on all of us.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, and that's what I was telling everyone too. I'm like you might have to like adjust your schedule, and then they're like okay, you got plenty of time to do this. It's only four workouts. Like everyone can do this.
Speaker 1:No problem. It seemed like in years past they were. I don't know if pushing is the right word, but they get it so that people that want to even compete at the quarterfinals I mean top 10% does kind of make sense. But people that want to compete at quarterfinals had to be at least a semi-pro athlete. You had to be able to dedicate time specifically, and then this year they went hard. What 80? Like, all right, we want to go back.
Speaker 2:I don't want to. I don't want to like re, redo and redo. I don't want to have like when I go into competition I'm like I'm doing this once you know and then you sometimes you have to redo it. But I'm not a fan of redos. I usually don't do better because I'm going all in the first time Like I don't want to do it. I have no intentions of redoing it. And then this was like okay, prepare yourself. You have so much time you're going to have to redo them.
Speaker 1:There's probably one of those. It's like all right, you're definitely going to redo it, cause you're going to be sitting on your hands for so long. So we know how you feel about redos. What do you say if an athlete comes to you where they're like I want to redo this, and they don't have a plan? Like, they're just like.
Speaker 2:I just want to redo it. If I'm trying to beat someone, don't redo it. Did you give your best effort? Yes, um, if you did, you follow your plan, did you execute to that plan? Um, then don't redo it. There's no need to redo it if you um feel like you left something on the table, you didn't sleep well, something went really wrong. You did not follow the plan. Like you know, we all go into those workouts with a plan Like I'm going to break this up five, five, five, and then you go on broken and you're like, oh fuck, I should have stuck to my plan.
Speaker 2:Then yeah, go redo it.
Speaker 1:That's me. Every single workout like regular workouts.
Speaker 2:And that's okay. Okay right, because it's training, but competition it matters a lot more. You're like I gotta stick to this plan. And it's like you know, knowing your weaknesses and knowing where you're gonna falter is important having that athlete, iq, to go into that workout with that plan. If you just like go in without a plan and and it falls apart, then learn from that experience and redo it. Don't just go in just for the sake of redoing it.
Speaker 1:Right. Take everything as a learning experience.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:Like when you're doing it. You know, like, obviously put your full effort into doing the workout, but it takes some time right afterwards to try to review. Be like, ok, should I, really should I think about all the things you just talked about? Right, like we don't have to relist them again, but think about all those things that you exactly just talked about, and if it's like, if you have enough boxes that you feel like, okay, I'm not happy with this. I didn't sleep well last night. I had this stressor that I can now eliminate and tomorrow it'll be gone, I can come back refreshed. Refreshed then redo it. You know Right, yeah, for sure. But you're obviously competitive. Do you like have any experiences that you noticed that for the first time, like whether it was when you were young. You noticed it later in life? Like when did you develop this competitive spirit?
Speaker 2:Oh, I think I've always had it. I have two younger brothers and I think it just came from like hanging out with them and just that natural competitiveness. And I played sports up until high school and I loved it. Just loved winning, loved competing. It was, you know, games. I was a sore loser with my brothers, like I'd just punch them if I we used to play um, I think it was Nintendo at the time and um, if my brother beat me, I would just beat the shit out of him, just like punch and punch and punch. So I grew up in Maine. Actually, um, I played like the usual, I think, like t-ball, soccer and then basketball throughout like middle school, and then played soccer until my junior year. In high school I moved from Maine to West Virginia when I was 15, went to college in West Virginia, left my junior year and that all has to do with stuff I'm sure we'll probably talk about later Um, and then moved back to Maine for a while, moved to Maryland and now I'm here.
Speaker 1:So um, so let's dive into, like what we were just talking about before, really the bulk of the conversation in the episode here. What was your first experience, what was the first thing that you ever got high on? You don't have to tell us what it was, but where were you and kind of what were the circumstances that led to that?
Speaker 2:So I started drinking when I was like 12. I think I was seventh or eighth grade. I would take I'd sneak vodka from my parents' liquor cabinet and it was it's funny. I was just talking from my parents liquor cabinet and it was it's funny. I was just talking to my parents about this recently, um, because I was trying to I'm sure we'll talk about this too, but I was trying to convince them like it wasn't their fault, they had, they couldn't have done anything differently, and I and I was. We were talking about how that. That's how I first started, and so I would give you that idea to do that.
Speaker 2:I honestly don't know. I couldn't tell you I that's what they were asking me. I'm like I have no idea, cause it was there and I'm like my point is like that's who I am. It's not because I had a bad childhood. I had a great childhood. My parents did everything they possibly could for me. They gave me unconditional love. They were the best parents I could ever ask for. I didn't have any.
Speaker 2:There was like nothing wrong with my childhood and, um, I was just I like to say I was just a bad kid like I. I not a bad person, but I like to misbehave and I like to do things I wasn't supposed to do, like if it was a rule. I like to go, you know, break the rule and just cause trouble, I guess. So I would take the vodka, put it in like a cup and put some orange juice in it and go to school and just drink it. I don't even know if I got drunk, I just drank it. Okay, I got some vodka in here, like I'm cool, and then, um, I would, uh, I started smoking cigarettes, I think in eighth grade, and then um smoked weed in eighth grade. So that was the first time got caught, because we wrote a note, pass it in the hallway and, um, someone dropped. We're so stupid like someone dropped it. They found it.
Speaker 1:I got in so much trouble, got kicked off the basketball team was the note like uh, beat us here to smoke a joint, something like that it was like what we had already done, like talking about smoking weed.
Speaker 2:I feel like I didn't even care. The only thing I cared about was, like the consequences. I'm like, oh, I'm grounded again and that sucks, because back then there was like, I mean, all I had was, you know, a radio in my room and a CD player, or maybe it was a tape player, I don't even know, but that was definitely CDs and like once that was gone, I'm like what, that was gone. I'm like what?
Speaker 1:am I gonna do? I have nothing like I can't hang out with my friends, I can't call my friends, twiddle your thumbs, yeah, or go outside and play in the woods, so, yeah, yeah. So that's when it first started that it curved you and like to uh, deter you or anything like that. How does it keep going?
Speaker 2:no, not at all. It was so, um, it just kind of started progressing so, like drinking more. My best friend at the time she had two older brothers, so I'm pretty sure they were one of them, at least in his friends could get alcohol. So we were just hanging out with, you know, older people could get cigarettes, could get alcohol and, you know, naturally weed came along with that. So it just progressed.
Speaker 2:And then when I was 15, we moved to West Virginia. So that created this like massive rebellion. I was like fuck the world, fuck my parents, fuck everything, cause I didn't want to go, I had, I wanted to stay in Maine with my friends and my boyfriend at the time. Um, I was really happy there, uh, had everything I wanted there, had my friends, um, I was, I loved it. And then went to West Virginia and this huge new school no friends. I was going into my sophomore year. So that I was just really, really angry like super angry, hated everything, hated the world. I was this victim of you know this move, victim of you know this move, and um, that just like kind of caused everything to get really bad really fast. Um, and I think I just acted out way more than I would have. I would have continued on the path that I was on for sure if I stayed in maine, but I think it happened a lot faster because I was so angry, um and I just had.
Speaker 2:I sought out the people doing bad things and doing drugs and um spent my entire like high school, like when I was got my license. I got a DUI two weeks after I got my license, got my license taken away. I got my car taken away and then it was just bad. I was doing acid mushrooms, you name it, I'd do anything. Tons of drinking, tons of partying and skipping school got kicked off the soccer team and skipping school got kicked off the soccer team, I mean, you name it. I was like I got taken to a runaway shelter because my parents couldn't control me. So they called the cops and charged me with being incorrigible. Cops came and got me while I was on acid. I had just taken a hit of acid and I'm in the back of a police car Like what the fuck is going on? Where am I going?
Speaker 1:I was going to say probably bugging out back there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was crazy. Ended up at this runaway shelter, like is this real? Like what? Where am I? What is happening? And that was like that was my whole high school Like just not going to school, my parents trying to control me, me running away. I'm finding me the cops coming to pick me up, just over and over and over again. And I don't even know how I passed high school, my senior year. So basically I got caught skipping school so much that I had to get a paper signed every single class.
Speaker 1:I went to my senior year.
Speaker 2:So I, that's how I passed. I couldn't skip school anymore because they just come find me, um, so I guess that's how I passed. And you know they're like you, you got to go to college, you have that. That's how it was back then. It's like, at least with my family, like you have to go.
Speaker 2:So pick somewhere and you're going and I'm like, all right, I'm getting the out of here, so that's, I just picked the easiest place I could get into. And, um, and I went there and it was, uh, about a half an hour away from wvu, which I don't know if you know anything about wvu, but it's like the biggest party school my there. So yeah that was a nice little party experience too.
Speaker 1:I had a friend that went there and he went there as an addict Also, like he left from high school already, had like knee deep into his opioid addiction and uh, we got kicked out the first semester we went to pick him up like drove through the night we had picked him up by partied out there. That came home and like looking back, I'm like damn dude, how are you just wasting all this money at 18? Like now I'm looking back and thinking that you know, but oh my god, I can't.
Speaker 2:I feel so bad.
Speaker 1:We thought, it was whatever doing that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I actually did really well my first year. Um, I calmed down a little bit. I think I was just smoking weed, I wasn't drinking at all and, um, I got, I ended up getting a partial scholarship cause I did so well. Uh, and then, um, some shit went down and like by my third year I was doing Coke and just hanging out with some shady people and like, um, I got the one. My best friend's brother got busted for steroids on the baseball team, so he wanted to help him get out of trouble. So they offered to set someone up, so they wore a wire on me, um, and and had me, like, set up this drug deal. And it was just weed, but that was a lot at the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah enough, and so I got charged with a couple of felonies conspiracy to distribute, delivery of marijuana, all this shit. And I was just there like, looking back, I didn't actually sell anything, buy anything, like I was just there. They were trying to get to someone else, basically, um, but it was crazy. Um they my parents put their house up to keep me out of jail. All the charges um ended up getting dropped because I didn't actually like, they had no evidence that I did any of that. But, um, I had to leave school. I was like I can't be here anymore it was just like the cops were, like everywhere I went.
Speaker 2:I couldn't go anywhere without them showing up, couldn't do anything. I can't get high anymore. I gotta you know, I gotta get out of here, so that's why I left college, wait.
Speaker 1:So when that's happening, cops bust in the room like how do you react, you know, like when you get arrested and all these things go down yeah um, I was pretty scared, but they were just like I was just like you guys are idiots, like they said.
Speaker 2:Um, they said they had this like um audio of me or a tape of me saying all this stuff and I'm like I literally never said that I have no idea. Like at the time, I, they said, I knew every crack dealer in town that I'm like I didn't smoke crack at the time. So I, they said, I knew every crack dealer in town that I, I'm like I didn't smoke crack at the time. So I'm like you guys are so full of shit, like I'm not telling you I don't know anything. I'm not telling you anything. I don't know who these people are. I was just there, like, if you feel like you know, prove it, give me some proof. Like let me hear the this supposed tape that you have of me.
Speaker 2:And I don't know like how, like I feel like I should have been more scared, but I was just like fuck you guys, I didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1:So you're like weed, Like it's not it's not that serious, you know.
Speaker 2:I guess they were trying to pressure you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean it could have been really really bad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, could have been bad, but and then you know it kind of sucked because the dude was my really good friend. That set me up. That sucked, that was pretty shitty.
Speaker 1:I want to ask you about just friends in general, like, did you have any relationships from like Maine that you had sustained? Like, did you have any other people, like even when you were getting high out in West Virginia, that you would consider close friends at this time period, like while you're like getting further into your addiction?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have my best friend. Like we were still friends to this day. I think it was later in life that she kind of washed her hands of me. We're cool now, but we had some time apart where we didn't talk.
Speaker 2:But my best friend from um like we met in sixth grade pretty much stayed in touch with her um and I think that was pretty much it. All my other friends were like I wouldn't say they were great friends, it was like we all just got high together. You know, we were right if there was no drugs we probably weren't going to hang out yeah, do you?
Speaker 1:do you up to this point? I know that you had had a lot of shit going throughout high school and, like even early in college, did you think that you had a problem at this point, like up to you getting arrested there?
Speaker 2:no, no, it took me a really long time, much, much, much longer.
Speaker 2:I hear that same same experience so I like I moved home after that and, um, that's when it got like crazy, like just lots of partying started doing and I I can't even remember the timeline, but the drugs just got harder and the partying got a lot harder. And um, one night we're having a party at my parents' house. They were out of town and we used to have some like crazy parties at my parents' house when they were gone and my dog got out and we lived on top of this hill and I was like panicking. I'm like, oh my God, my dog got out, like I got to go get him. So I got my keys, got my car and everybody's like, no, you don't need to drive, he's gonna come back. He's gonna come back, I gotta go. So I go down, I run into a telephone pole, total my car.
Speaker 2:That was a gift from my uncle. It was like a wow, a sweet maxima, um total my car. I have no idea why I didn't get arrested, but I I didn't somehow just got home and, um, that was like my first, like the. The next day or, you know, a couple of days later I'm like, or no, it was even later than that I got, um, I got a check, like cause it was full coverage. So I got a check and I got a car and, um, I was thinking I got to get out of here, like this is dangerous, like if I keep doing what I'm doing, it's not going to end well, so at some point I realized that and I think that was like the first kind of idea that I had a problem in my mind. But I thought that if I left and got away from what I was doing and the people I was around, then I would be okay.
Speaker 2:So did you leave? Yeah, I left and I moved to Maine, actually with my best friend. I moved in the one I mentioned from sixth grade. So I moved in with her in the town we grew up in, because I always wanted to go back there. I was like that's where I belong. I belong in Maine. I don't belong here. So I went back and um and everything was great there for a while it was kind of like just moderate everything. I wasn't going crazy.
Speaker 1:Um, so you still got high, but you didn't like, you didn't like go to the depths at first of like, okay, I'm going to toll the car, yeah, I don't think I think I'm going to tow the car.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't think. I think I might've just been drinking. I don't even know if I was getting high, I might've been smoking weed or something. And then it got that Maine is when it got. I had stayed, basically stayed in Maine until I got to the almost the end. So I got into Oxys and her, so her dad, I had tried them before but I was like it was just like someone giving me them, um, and I didn't really have like access or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, didn't know where to get them. So, um, her dad actually had a prescription for them. I don't know how I knew this, but I snuck into his stash and I took a bunch and Klonopin and I must have taken enough for like probably two months or something, because he had so many. And so I was doing them every day for probably like two months, three months, and ran out and like I thought I was dying.
Speaker 1:I was like what is wrong with me?
Speaker 2:I think I have the flu. I was like talking to one of my, to my boyfriend or one of my friends at the time and I'm like I do not feel good. Blah, blah, he's, blah, blah, he's like it's called withdrawal stuff. You're going through withdrawal. I was like, oh shit, like Whoa.
Speaker 1:And that was kind of like a really experienced that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it was rough, it was awful, and so that was like the beginning of my addiction to those. And then it just got. I mean I remember, like you know, um, and then it just got. I mean I remember, like you know, just things getting so bad and like saying, well, if I, as long as I don't do heroin, or as long as I don't smoke crack, as long as I don't shoot up, then I'll be okay, I'm not that bad. And every single thing I said I never shot up, I don't know how, but everything else was like I did it.
Speaker 2:So, um, it just kept getting worse and worse and worse, to the point where, like, uh, dealing and like cutting it so bad it's like nothing, um, because I'm doing most of the drugs, um, and it just became this 24-7, full-time job of like trying to sell, trying to maintain, trying to get more and losing everything that I had, losing, getting evicted from multiple apartments, losing every job, like getting into shoplifting, and basically became homeless. And I was like living in a hotel night to night and I had basically nowhere left to go because I had fucked over all my friends. Every bridge, every bridge, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so basically it was like winter in Maine want to say that's not sound like a fun time it was cold and, yeah, I like I was on the street with a sign and finally, uh, just like I didn't have a car, I got my license taken away. I got my car taken away. I had been in jail several times. Um, like I, there was at one point. I was like man.
Speaker 2:Every time I leave the house, I go to jail and I had been arrested like three or four times. Um, I tried to commit suicide and almost succeeded. I took a bunch of. I forget what it was. It was some kind of anti-psychotic, anti-thramadol, I don't know Something like that.
Speaker 1:So I took like two yeah that's what it was.
Speaker 2:I took two bottles, two or three bottles of that and just kind of went to sleep and the last thing I remember was seeing like the tip of my cigarette and then waking up in an ambulance, like with the things on the defibrillator on my chest and smelling salts. Like waking me up and ended up in the hospital like completely hallucinating, convinced myself I was invisible and I was getting out of the hospital.
Speaker 2:I'm like they can't see me, I'm like no one. It was crazy and ended up going into a psych ward and that was rough. That was like. You know. You would think that I wish I could say that was rock bottom, but I mean, mean, it just kept getting worse. After that I got out and, um, I think the worst part about that was like waking up and my mom coming to visit me and just the look of like just utter just hurt, absolute. Yes, like my precious daughter just tried to end her life, you know, and I promised her I would never use again. Next day I'm back at it like I meant that promise with everything I had in my whole entire heart, like, and and that's like when the true, like absolute powerlessness just hit me and I wasn't even aware of it. It was like like I had no control over what, the what I was doing at the time. It was just like go, get more, go, get more, go, get more. You have to go get more.
Speaker 1:And I never thought there was like yeah, yeah, and I never.
Speaker 2:I didn't think there was any other way. Like this is my life till I die, and that's that. And I, I had no idea there was help.
Speaker 1:I had no idea there was like a possibility that I could stop yeah, yeah, like that, that you withdrawing this demon, that is the sickness manifest inside your brain, is telling you all these things, people that have never had to deal with that, like the just like you call it the sickness of addiction, like that is what it is. It's like you meet this promise, cause you don't want to end up in this situation again. I don't want to be waking up later on me, I don't want my mom to like experience this pain.
Speaker 2:You know like yeah, and you don't want to hurt people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you don't want to hurt people anymore. But then you get that second to yourself when you're just thinking and your brain starts telling you all right, it's time to go back, it's time to go back.
Speaker 2:It's time to go back. It's like there's no other way.
Speaker 2:It's like autopilot yeah and um, yeah, it's just spent years just like living like that. And um, finally just reached out to my parents at my at the I'm like I don't have enough money to like stay in this hotel anymore and my only other option is like grab a bench outside. That's that's where I was at like I have not nowhere left to go. So, um, I, basically I called my parents and, you know, made that promise. Like yeah, if you guys help me and fly me home, I'll get help. Like I promise I'll get help. I had no intention of getting any help, I just didn't know what else to do. But they're like you have to get help if you're comfortable. If we do this, I'm like all right. So that's how I got back to West Virginia. I flew home and I have no idea I think Suboxone was around at the time and I'm pretty sure that's what I was. That's how I was able to maintain.
Speaker 1:For everyone out there listening. It's like an opioid blocker, you know it. It it acts like in a similar sense to get you high, but it's just supposed to know your receptors that that feed off the opioid you know. So yeah, waiting on clade, you know I've been there before.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So that helped when I wasn't, you know, when I didn't. It was cheaper at the time and it was like a way to stave off the withdrawal. So if that's all I had, that's what I would take. So I got home to, uh, west Virginia and my parents had set up this meeting with um, a therapist in a treatment center, and it was a treatment center for males, so I couldn't get in there, um. So I talked to her and she was like um, okay, so until we can get you in somewhere, I'm like first of all like, okay, I'm not going anywhere, but whatever. Uh, she's like, yeah, you need in you in somewhere. I'm like first of all like, okay, I'm not going anywhere, but whatever. Uh, she's like, yeah, you need inpatient therapy.
Speaker 1:I'm like, no, I'm good not about to be sitting around with you guys. Yeah, hugging and talking about you want me to go away to a rehab.
Speaker 2:I don't think so, but whatever um, she's like there's nothing available right now, so we'll put you on the waiting list, but in the meantime you need to go to na meetings. I'm like, um, I think I had heard of that before, but I didn't know what it was. Um, so I had to go because I was living with my parents and so they took me.
Speaker 2:It was crazy, because the first meeting I went to, I walk in and I was like what is this? Everybody's like sitting around in a circle. So I sit down, like right next to the door, you know, like quick escape, and I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone. I'm just like looking, looking around and I'm like, oh, my god, that's luke. Like that's my, that's my friend, luke. He was chairing the meeting and it was like he was someone that I used to like rage out with, like party hard with, and I was like whoa, like what, what is he doing here? Like, and that was pretty cool because that gave me some hope and in this, like oblivion of what am I doing when?
Speaker 1:why am I here? Cause at this time you're still thinking I am not going to beat this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I had no idea, like I was not pretty sure I wasn't clean, um, and I was just doing, going along with, like I was just like you know, one day at a time, like what am I going to do tomorrow? How am I going to figure this situation out? To get high tomorrow and get away from my parents? So it was just surviving, doing what I had to do to keep a roof over my head until I could figure something else out. And that's what was happening in my mind. So I did start going to meetings. I talked to him and, like we started, he would take me to meetings and stuff.
Speaker 2:So that was cool and I ended up getting into a rehab eventually and man, that was, that was rough. It was like the first time in my entire life since, like whenever I started, that I had been not on drugs, not on anything and I couldn't take it. It was like an insane experience. It was, like you know, just absolute misery, anxiety, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, just crawling out of my skin the most uncomfortable feelings. And that's why I stayed high, because I didn't want to feel like that, just like days and days and days. On end of that I was like fuck this, I'm out, I have to leave, I can't take this anymore.
Speaker 2:I mean, I I was hallucinating, I was like, so I left and I was in the middle of nowhere and I think it was Parkersburg, west Virginia, and I called, I went to the bus station. I had no money. I called my brothers and they're like yeah, okay, steph, we'll call you back. And they're like yeah, okay, stuff, we'll, we'll call you back. Um, and so they called all their friends, because me and my brothers and all their friends, we all hung out, so we all knew each other, we would all party together and stuff.
Speaker 2:So my brothers called like basically everyone I knew, and told them don't go get stuff, like, leave her there. So I'm trying to call these people and they're like nope, sorry, I can't come get you. Nope, sorry, I can't come get you. Nope, sorry, I can't come get you. So I had to like crawl my way back into the rehab and be like no one's coming to get me. Will you please take me back? And, um, they, I think they put me on some. I think they put me on Suboxone, because they were like all right, she needs something, and so I made it If they were a place.
Speaker 2:They gave the subox.
Speaker 2:I I want to say they, they gave me something for like a couple days and then at one point, I was completely off everything and I'll never forget, like waking up and feeling like not sick and being not on anything.
Speaker 2:I was like holy shit, like maybe maybe this isn't so bad, like maybe I can do this, and so, um, at that, that was like the hope that I had. Um, that's when I was finally like all right, there's a chance, I'm going to give this a try, started taking it seriously, went to meetings, um, and then went to a halfway house, fucked that up, got kicked out, used again, went back home and so this kind of went on, the cycle of getting clean and um and relapsing, getting clean and relapsing, and it just got so much worse. Every time I would be like not even high and miserable, be like, oh man, I, I know better, I shouldn't have done this so fast forward. Like everything got really really really bad, really really fast, and I was using some pretty strong heroin and um, it was like, yeah, I think I'm about to overdose and die, like if I do this anymore. I'm like like, uh, this is not good.
Speaker 1:So wait, hold on time out real quick, do you? How long do you think this timeline is from like when you are, uh, going to college? The first year to like now where you're at this is um 2006. Oh, it's so tough. This is the heroin epidemic time period going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was bad, especially in west virginia, and, um, I mean, it was really strong shit. So, and I had been, um, like in and out of psych wards. Um, for some reason, I was like I I reached out to my parents for help and I was like, um, you know, I think I'm going to die if I keep doing this. And they, uh, but I don't know how to stop. So they put me in a psych ward again. Um, and I got, I think I got on suboxone, got back out and I mean that's how bad it was. It was like I know I'm gonna die, but I'm doing this anyway. I got back out, tried to do it again and, um, my, I think I got out by accident. They screwed up the paperwork.
Speaker 2:I got out of the psych ward by accident and, um, and I was just out on the streets again doing my thing, and I ended up calling my dad or talking to my dad, and he was like Steph, please just come with me, come to this place and get help. And everything in my body, mind and soul was like no, but I said, yeah, come get me. I was like, actually, I was like, if you can guarantee they'll put me on Suboxone. You can come get me and he's like you got it, you'll be on Suboxone. So I ended up that's what I call my surrender date, which was December 11th of 2007. Not my clean date, but my surrender date, because that was the date that I accepted some form of help and finally was like fuck it, I I don't know what else to do, I'm done, I'm done running can't do it on my own, yeah yeah, yeah, I'm done, just tired, just so exhausted, and so, um, he ended up taking me to a.
Speaker 2:It was a crisis unit for um, just people alcoholics, runaways, people that were schizophrenic, um, so it wasn't a treatment center, but anyway I was there. They put me on suboxone. I was there for 30 days and my parents came to visit me and um, I had already been to meetings. I had already had a sponsor at the time, so I knew what I needed to do when I got out of there and I actually did it. So I got out and went to meetings. I got a home group, I got a commitment, already had a sponsor. I was going to two meetings a day because I didn't have a job, didn't have anything else to do, um and started working the steps with a sponsor and um stayed on suboxone for about six months and eventually just got off off suboxone. Um, and that's what I consider my clean date now it's like six months later yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know the exact date, but man, I wanted to ask you you you talked a lot about like the moments where you would sober up a little bit. You know, like you, you would have those in between times of like I'm not on anything First, they put me back on sub, or as I go back out and get high again. So you, you have a couple of moments of clarity, like what would hit you first and harder Would it be the physical pain or like the emotional pain about thinking about the things that you did?
Speaker 2:Oh, it was like the guilt and shame of like oh my God, I can't believe I did this again. Because when you, when you're clean, like on absolutely nothing, not even suboxone, it's like this, absolutely nothing. You have a choice. You are free from the grips, You're free from the handcuffs and you have a choice. You'll be like I don't, I'm gonna choose not to get high, right, and then as soon as you fucking use again, the choice is gone. That flip, that, that switch is flipped and you're just a slave to the drugs. Like it's just gone.
Speaker 2:And it's so hard to get that freedom back and get that choice back and it gets, I feel like it gets. It got harder every time. It's like I gave up that freedom again and it's just like such a hopeless place of like am I ever gonna get this right? You know it's like I haven't done it by now and I just keep doing this and the the. You know it sounds cliche if you go to meetings, but like these people in these meetings, man, they every meeting like just keep coming back, just keep coming back. I know you're, I know you're high right now, but just keep coming back.
Speaker 2:We'll love you until you love yourself and man if they hadn't told me that if they were like get out of here, you're high, I'd be dead. You know, like it was that total, unconditional love for the struggling addict that kept me coming back, and they were just like just full of hugs and love and like after the meeting they'd be like you want to come hang out with us? No, I'm gonna go get high and they're like, all right, we'll just come back tomorrow. You know, and they never shunned me. They never told me, don't come back.
Speaker 1:They were always there for me yeah, someone there to love you when you don't love yourself, you know yeah, yeah, I don't know your parents are there to do that, but like it's, it's like a different kind of thing, because you could almost feel like, okay, they're always going to love me, like they and those, but they parent my parents.
Speaker 2:I took advantage of them totally. You know, right, that was so different.
Speaker 1:They just like enabled me and the people at the meetings. They don't put themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. You know, that's what the whole point of like inpatient is, or being somewhere where like okay, you, you need to be going through these steps. You know, like we are here whenever you want us to be, we'll always be here, but like not to be abused, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So keep going with telling us about how you started to build back your own hope.
Speaker 2:So keep going with telling us about how you started to build back your own hope. No-transcript, just be becoming a different person, um, and doing a lot of work on myself, and you know that's just what you have to do. You have to like go through some really intense shit and looking inward and it's really really painful and really really uncomfortable and reliving all that and like dissecting every single thing, um, over and over and over again and figuring out why you did it and and just all those painful moments and reliving it to become a better person. Like figuring out who I wanted to be, who I didn't want to be. I knew I didn't want to be. I knew who I didn't want to be anymore. But it's like I haven't had I've been on a drug since I was 13. I don't know who I am. I know I don't want to be this bad person anymore, um, but I don't know. It was like starting over and finding out. Like you know, going my parents are have values. You know they taught me how to be a good person. They taught me how to be responsible, productive member of society.
Speaker 2:Figuring that out, getting to be that person that I wanted to be and learning how to be that person and forgiving myself for all the things that I did and just trying not to hold those things that I did within me. You have to let that go and that's really tough. So I worked with a sponsor for years and years, and years and I went through the steps and did all that work and I did them a couple times and just got brutally honest. Like honesty was not my thing. My thing was avoid reality, make up my own reality, and if I pretend it didn't happen, it didn't. So like getting brutally honest and then getting more honest because I still wasn't being honest, it was like some really deep shit.
Speaker 2:And being able to like go through that with someone that you trust is an extremely, like vulnerable position to be in. And not only that, it's like, I mean, I think it's, it's more, probably more beneficial than a therapist. It's like extremely therapeutic to go through that with someone that's been there and done that and isn't going to just give you advice. To give advice, it's all experience based. They're like okay, well, this is what I did, maybe that'll work for you. So, and like going you know I went to meetings religiously for many, many, many years and I had an amazing group of women in my life.
Speaker 2:I had a really good network of women in my life and them like sharing their experiences with me, and those bonds that we had were like I mean we were tight and that kept me like that was a huge, huge, kept me like that was a huge, huge factor in my recovery. Just having that network of women and, you know, working through all that pain and all those experiences and all the lies, and that's what. That's what really gave me the hope to continue and it was a really, really good time in my life. I mean, as painful, painful as it was, there was so much freedom in it. It was like years and years of, you know, working on myself to become a better person and, you know, become the best version of myself and just try to do the next right thing every day hell yeah, that's kind of kind of what I do today thriving.
Speaker 1:I fucking love that man. So where does fitness come into the? The story like how do you find CrossFit?
Speaker 2:uh, so, um, I think after a few years of being clean, I was still smoking cigarettes. I quit smoking cigarettes, um, and I was like I started doing um whatchamacallit. It was uh like we fitness in the basement in my parents house. Yeah buddy like and like zumba and like, just dance and all that you ever see the billy billy.
Speaker 1:Billy blake's tapes bald black dude that did like the tebow kickbox and shit. Everyone's like oh, you can be the next billy. Basically that's. That's not the compliment you think it is, but keep going yeah, not quite yeah.
Speaker 2:So I was playing around with that and I just like liked exercising and moving and um, I started bike riding. I was bike riding all over the place and then I'm like you know, I think I'll join a gym. So I joined a gym down the street, didn't know what I was doing, and so I hired a trainer like you get a free console space with a trainer. So I hired a personal trainer and, um, so he actually had me doing CrossFit without me knowing I was doing CrossFit, like I think he had me doing like the workouts of the day and stuff like that, which I had no idea he was just giving me workouts to do. And, man, I got in like really good shape. I was working out with him once a week and doing spinning and that's all I was doing. And I was like ripped. I was like, okay, this is.
Speaker 2:And I mean he, he suggested I start like eating right, as I was eating trash, I was eating so bad, so I started eating right. He's like yeah, go have some salmon and chicken. I was like, okay, so I started eating really healthy and then, um, eventually, work, oh, I had a friend. It was funny. A friend of mine was like hey, do you want to do, try this CrossFit class with me? I was like, absolutely not.
Speaker 2:Like that's I had all the misconceptions, like I don't want to die today, I'm good, and then another friend of mine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, another friend of mine, like probably, I don't know six, 12 months later, something like that, she asked me to hop in on a CrossFit workout with her and I did it with her and I'm like, okay, that was cool, I can do that. So I started doing it then and then, um, I still don't think I knew it was CrossFit because I moved to Delaware for work and I joined another gym same thing hired a trainer and they it was like a gym but there was also a CrossFit. Um, it used to be called CrossFit Plexus and then CrossFit CR10, but the gym was just a regular gym. So you got a free consultation with the trainer, had him and he was like you should do CrossFit.
Speaker 2:You would really like it and I was like no, I don't want to get all big and bulky. That's literally what I said. I don't want to get big. It's like the cliche thing that girls say.
Speaker 1:He said they're like yo. Well, are you gonna double your protein intake?
Speaker 2:right fucking lift for two hours like, oh, here we go, another girl that doesn't want to get big, um, so the spinning I was doing spinning, there was like a little spinning area and I had to walk through the crossfit gym to get to the spinning area and I'd be like I don't know like they're doing pull-ups and stuff, and you'd be like you should just try it, just try a class. So eventually I tried a class instantly, never looked back since then and that was like 10 years ago hell yeah that was pretty much a butterfly pull-up.
Speaker 1:So you were like yo, I want to do that. Oh, it's cool, right, yeah, that's what everyone says, man, you know. So we actually I'm at crossing westchester right now, you know, you do fundamentals on-ramp progress for people and like what's the first thing everyone says?
Speaker 1:like I want to learn how to do a muscle-up, right, like stuff like that yeah then I I saw one of the maybe like second time I've seen it in my like eight year time at crossfit a dude who did them on his first day. I was like oh shit, okay, like high five all right yeah oh man, fucking cross is crazy.
Speaker 1:so you in and you just loved it right from the beginning, did you like? Think, like, damn, this is one of the things I was missing out on this whole time, that I was getting high and at all my lows Like I. I was such a big athlete before, and now it's been gone.
Speaker 2:Um, not really. I think it was just like I don't know. I've always just kind of been like I was really just taught like you know it's the present, so I just try to stay in the present.
Speaker 2:After all that I am where I am and I'm grateful for where I'm at and just keep moving forward. And, like I could always, I could say, like I regret this, I regret that, but I believe with every you know, everything in my being, that, um, everything I've done got me to where I'm at today and made me who I am and, you know, has built the character in me. So I I refuse to like look back and say what if this and what if that, because it's good. It's just not a good place, it's not a good mindset for me, you know right, you got to be where you are.
Speaker 1:You know you. You have to appreciate everything that you've been through before. If you let go of it, man, it's like it that's cause to go backwards you know, oh yeah, for sure one thing I'm always scared of. Um, I was just gonna ask you, but did it? Did it ever come up before your past? Or did you ever think that one day you would be not just a coach, but like a leader, an example for other people?
Speaker 2:no, it's funny because I started. So I I had a long career in retail management and one of my bosses he's always like you need to like he was one of the best guys I've ever known. His name was dominic, but he was my biggest cheerleader and he got me promoted and he got me through all this stuff. And once I got promoted and everything he's like I would always talk to him. I'm like I don't want to do this stupid store manager's meeting. I don't want to go talk to people. I'm not a social person, I'm not this, I'm not that. And that's actually kind of where I started. That's where I learned my leadership skills was in retail management, believe it or not. And a few years later he's like is this Stephanie I'm talking to? You're going to all these meetings and you're like the quote of the day person at these meetings and you do these presentations. So it kind of like I never.
Speaker 2:That was never a thing, I was not that person and I kind of learned how to be through, through those experiences in retail and also NA meetings, like sharing my experience, like that Getting up in front of a bunch of people and that public speaking that got me over the fear of that.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, all those things kind of brought me here, you weren't born one. That's awesome, yeah, you know. Yeah, well, steph, it's been a great episode. My last question at the end of this. I think sometimes people give a great answer to this and I'm like, well, I want to keep talking. My last question oh, that's a lot of pressure no, no, you're totally fine, you're gonna, you're gonna know what I'm talking about. Once I say is like what are you hungry for next? Like what do you want to do? What's motivated you right now?
Speaker 2:oh, the games. For sure I want to like. Those five spots were killing me. I want to make it semi-final so bad, and then go to the games.
Speaker 1:I'm so close, okay. So a quick mini question on top of that, like I do I already do kind of do you, do you want to see a semi-final games continue, or do you want to go in person for that next step?
Speaker 2:I would love to be in person I am a different athlete in person. I I'm not a huge fan of the online. It's I've done, you know, like the mfc. It's so much different when you're out there racing someone and you can see where you're at, it's like such a different environment online. You just don't know, you're just like, I don't know. I have no one to race, I don't it's.
Speaker 1:The atmosphere is so much different I love the impression you get ahead of somebody in person. You're like I want to stay ahead of you yeah, yeah, totally, and it's like.
Speaker 2:It's like a class environment you're, you're working out with other people. You're going to push so much harder. You're by yourself. You're just doing the best you think you can and going as hard as you can. You know you have no one to to gauge off of, so big fan of in person that's the only way to do it.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm gonna kind of keep my promise, guys, it's been a great episode. This has been steph mcconnell, because I don't believe I can say your last name. I'm terrible either way that's my fun factor for everybody. Uh, steph, thanks so much for coming.