EPISODE 126 | EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF & MAKING AUTHENTIC CONNECTIONS
What if my true self doesn't lend well with others? Well, guess what? Your true self definitely will not lend well with some people. In fact, your true self may not land well with yourself. So, building connection or deepening authentic connection is a journey, is a process, right? It's a process of growth and growth is never comfortable.
[00:00:21] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me.
[00:00:57] UNVEILING THE TRUE SELF
So, yesterday I ran a webinar for my clients who are going through the Clarity journey. That's my signature coaching program. And it's all about discovering or growing in greater self-awareness about the scripts that control our lives, and then growing in self-discovery about the design that actually God created us in, as well as ultimately going towards learning how to lead ourselves as we journey in the interior journey, how to grow in self-acceptance.
[00:01:39] You know, and not just self-acceptance abstractly, but how to grow in self-acceptance as we discover what we actually are like, like what the true self is actually like. That itself, is the task of a lifetime for many of us, right? So, during question and answer, there was one question that came up.
[00:01:59] And it is a really good question. Well, it's kind of like a few questions, but they're all related to each other. And I told the person who had asked this question that I'll take some time and I'm going to reply via video. And this is such a good question. When I was pondering about how I would respond to it that I really wanted to make this available more widely to everyone as well.
[00:02:25] So, that's why I'm putting this into a Live, which will become a YouTube video, which will ultimately also come out in my podcast.
[00:02:33] ADDRESSING A VITAL QUESTION: AUTHENTICIRT AND CONNECTION
Okay, so let me share this question. It's linked to a lot of the things that I often talk about right in the theme of the interior journey I always talk about how the interior journey is Learning to connect with ourself, with God, and with others, right? To grow in intimacy and in relationship with self, with God, and with others.
[00:02:56] So, the question that was asked, I'm going to read it out now - "Does connecting to self necessarily result in connecting with others?" Okay, so, does connecting with self necessarily result in connecting with others? Secondly, what if my true self doesn't land well with others.
[00:03:19] Perhaps the larger question that I have is what are the indicators of growth in the interior journey and is connection with others one of them? Okay, so the question I think as I said with it is, it's kind of a like the two dimensions to this. One, is learning to connect with myself. Definitely, like necessarily going to yield a better connection with others. That's one. That's the main question.
[00:03:52] And kind of like the sub question, the secondary question, but I think it almost feels like emotively this is the most important, the more important question. It is what if my true self doesn't lend well with others, right? So, if my true self doesn't lend well with others.
[00:04:08] How would that lead to a better connection with others? Because connecting with myself usually means that then I will be in touch with my true self. And in the interior journey, when we talk about integration, it's always about how to live out of my true self. But what if my true self doesn't land well with others?
[00:04:25] How would that lead to a better connection with others? Okay, so, if one of the indicators of interior growth is a better connection to self, would connection, a better connection with others also be an indicator of the interior journey or growth in the interior journey? And how would that make sense? If when I am being my true self, it doesn't always land well with others. Okay, I hope I've kind of like articulated the question well. So, I'm going to speak to this just off the cuff.
[00:05:01] This is really how I would have a conversation, I guess, if you were sitting across me, you know, having a cup of coffee. I feel a lot for this question because like I said, the more emotive question is, if I become my true self and that doesn't land well with others, how is that going to improve my relationship with others?
[00:05:25] EXPLORING THE NUANCES OF AUTHENTIC CONNECTIONS
Right, so, I'm going to try and break down and nuance - okay nuance my response by breaking down some of the assumptions that we may inherently hold without realizing that we hold these assumptions or these presuppositions, okay. So, the first nuance I want to say is, when we talk about the integration journey and the interior journey, and we talk about connection, whether it is with self, with God, or with other people, the word or the term authentic is a very important one to bear in mind, okay? Because when we act out of our scripts, we are actually seeking connection with others too. Okay, when we act out of our life scripts, when we are acting out of our coping mechanisms, we are seeking connection because that is our drive. We are created to be in relationship with others.
[00:06:25] We desire connection with others, right? Because we were created for love. So, when we have experienced rejection, maybe even consistently that our authentic self, it's not really welcome, let's say in a family of origin, right? It may not be overt, it could be overt or it could be very implied, but we've picked up somehow the message that me as I am, when I show up in certain ways, is not welcome.
[00:06:56] I may hide that part of myself. I may develop a different persona that I show up in because when I show up with that persona, or when I hide or suppress certain parts of myself, that actually allows me to have some kind of connection with, let's say, my family, with my parents, with the people in my life.
[00:07:19] Okay, so, we are always driven, in some sense, with a desire to seek connection, and we always try to establish connection. Even when, you may have heard of this before, how sometimes children who behave badly, you know, in a kind of like strange way, they may not even be realizing that themselves, they behave badly because that gets their parents attention, right?
[00:07:44] Like if they can't get their parents attention any other way, somehow bad behaviour, even though it's going to get them disciplined or scolded or whatnot, but somehow, it's a form of attention and a very warped and distorted way is some form of connection, all right? So, when we're talking about deepening connection in the interior journey, when we're healing, when we're integrating, we are talking about not just any kind of connection.
[00:08:11] We are talking about healthy, authentic connection. Okay, and when we talk about healthy, authentic connection, I want to just put it out there. Some of us may have some kind of assumption that authentic connection always feels good. Or the authentic connection always is easy or comfortable, pleasurable that it will make us happy.
[00:08:40] Now, I just want to say we have to debunk that assumption, all right. Over the longer term, there will be greater peace and joy. Yes. Because we can be ourself. Because we are connected authentically with ourself, for example, right? We feel secure in ourselves. So, that would lead to inner peace, that would lead to inner stability.
[00:09:06] But, whether we're talking about building an authentic connection with ourself, or with someone else, or even with God, it is often challenging and difficult.
[00:09:17] THE CHALLENGE OF BEING TRUE TO ONESELF
And I just want to say, you know, that part of the question earlier, what if my true self doesn't lend well with others? Well, guess what? Your true self definitely will not lend well with some people.
[00:09:29] In fact, your true self may not land well with yourself. In a sense, in the process, so, building connection or deepening authentic connection is a journey, is a process, right? It's a process of growth and growth is never comfortable. So, when I bring my clients through the journey in clarity, for example, and that's a journey that I went through myself.
[00:09:50] As I grew in more security, I began to see more facets about my true self, about the way that God created me. And I have to confess that there were times, in fact, many times when my reaction is not, oh, yay, this is me. My reaction is, oh my Lord, like, why is that me? I don't like that. I don't like that. The real me seems to be someone who's pretty free spirited and free willing, you know?
[00:10:20] Like, to me, that like my life script have has conditioned me to value responsibility, stability, predictability, I suppose, in a way, over free spiritedness, over adaptability, right. And so, when I realized that the real me is really, really, I think the term free spirit is quite apt, although I think I shared in one of my previous podcast episodes that when a friend of mine - now, this is almost 20 years ago, when I was still in graduate school, and this was a friend in Canada, in Toronto, Canada.
[00:10:57] When she told me, oh, and you know, you're such a free spirit, okay, and this is an older friend, I was like the youngest in the class, and this was an older friend. I think she meant it. I know. Okay, I know she meant it as a compliment, but boy oh boy, I did not receive it as a compliment. I thought it was it was bad.
[00:11:17] It's a bad thing that someone actually thought I was a free spirit. And then fast forward, you know, like maybe I think back at the time, it was about 10 years later, when I was beginning to heal and there were facets of my personality that were emerging, that had been repressed for so long in my life and I began to see that I actually was a free spirit.
[00:11:39] I do not like to be controlled or confined or restricted. I am most alive when I can explore and try things and push boundaries. It took me a while to be able to be okay with that. Okay, so, that's an example of how, as my true self was emerging, it didn't land well with me. And clearly, as my true self emerged more and more, it didn't land well with other people.
[00:12:13] I mean, not everyone, or even with the people that love me, my true self doesn't always land well with them. That's just life, right? That's life. So, I just want to say, yes, it's definitely going to happen. But guess what? Even when we're living out of our personas, even when we're living out of our life scripts. A lot of times the way we show up don't land well with others either.
[00:12:36] That's the thing for people pleasers, right? Like myself, recovering people pleaser. I tried so hard for so long to show up in a way that will land well with others, so to speak. And oftentimes I will still find that no matter how hard I try, I can't. And I think that's also because there is a part of me that really does value authenticity.
[00:12:58] So, even though I'm conflict avoidant, and even though I really would like for people to be happy with me. There are certain, you know, there are certain lines I cannot cross and try as I might maybe to be gentler in the way that I show up, gentler in the sense of like so that it wouldn't rub people the wrong way.
[00:13:14] I find that I will still fail. So, whether we live out of our scripts or we show up as our true self, it will sometimes not land well with other people. But here's the difference. When I am showing up only - okay, I just want to say also, personas are not necessarily a negative thing. Okay, sometimes, personas are like facets of ourselves that we allow to be more pronounced in when we're playing particular roles.
[00:13:43] Maybe let's say a professional role, you know, an example. But the important thing is that the persona doesn't get fused to our identity, right? That actually there is that real self, the foundation, the core self is the one that is actually relating and connecting. With others, but when we don't know who we are or when we are still very fragmented. We are not able to show up.
[00:14:06] It's almost like our persona is all there is and sometimes we confuse our persona with our true self and that is why so many of us feel abandoned, even by ourself. Okay, that sense of loneliness of abandonment of emptiness. It's not just because we feel that there's no one outside, like no one else that can really connect with us.
[00:14:31] It often is the result of our failure to connect with ourselves, our failure to see ourselves as we are. When we are able to connect authentically with ourselves and when we begin to show up as our true self, even when it doesn't land well with some people. The thing is, it is real. It is real. So, at least within me, my desire to connect with others, to show up and have authentic connection with others is there.
[00:15:09] And part of showing up as my true self is the ability to accept that not everyone is going to be okay with me as I am, you know, maybe not all the time. Maybe certain times when I show up as my true self, when I say certain things or act in a certain way, or when I draw certain boundaries, it may not be received well.
[00:15:33] But that's okay. That's okay. The thing about our true self, or when we're connected with our true self, is that there is a lot less reactivity and defensiveness. We are grounded in the reality or the truth that, you know, in relationships, you know, when we connect with others, we will rub one another the wrong way sometimes.
[00:15:57] And there are so many different explanations or reasons why that may be, right? It doesn't mean that sense that maybe I don't land well with others is not good. Okay, so let me give another example here.
[00:16:17] AUTHENTICITY IN RELATIONSHIPS
When I began to learn to listen to my own needs, it changed the way I showed up as a wife to my husband. When I was living out of my scripts, you know, being a good anything, everything is so important to me, important to me, right? So, being a good wife, but here's and here's also the thing. None of us have just an empty concept about what it means to be like a good spouse, a good wife, right? We have certain descriptors ideas of what that is like. So, it was the case for me.
[00:16:47] I was brought up in condition to think that a good wife is, you know, in some sense I would always put my husband's needs before mine. That to be loving, always meant to be self-sacrificing. And because I never knew how to connect and even hear my own needs and self, I was always just playing that role of the good wife.
[00:17:07] There was no real authentic connection. I mean, there was connection. I want to say there was, I don't want to say that there's absolutely no authentic connection. There was connection, but there was so little of my true self in that, there was so many layers of fear, of insecurity, of my husband becoming unhappy with me, or my husband maybe loving me less, or that he might stop loving me, right?
[00:17:29] That a lot of that was subconsciously driving my behaviour or my choices when I began to learn to connect with myself and it was scary. So, like I said, this whole process is uncomfortable and it's scary. I began to learn to speak or communicate when I cannot offer him what it is that he needs from me in that moment whether it is an act of service whether it is time to listen to him talk about his day. So, in an example that I'm sure I've mentioned before, usually, if I have the capacity - I'm very, very happy to you know, to hold space for him if he has had a hard day. But sometimes, I am unpacking something as well, myself. Now that I'm more aware, I can realize how unsettled I am inside.
[00:18:18] In the past, I would just shove that aside. Even if it was, I was becoming aware of it, I'll shove that aside and think, no, my husband's needs come first, right. But even if I cannot be really present to him, at some point, I learned to speak up and honestly say, you know, I hear you and I know it was difficult for you to communicate what you wanted to communicate.
[00:18:40] Let's say, it was something that was also very vulnerable that he had communicated to me, that he needed me in a certain way to show up for him that day. But the truth is, and I said, and doesn't mean I love you, but the truth is I can't do that for you right now, because right now, I am very dysregulated myself. I can't.
[00:18:58] So, I need space right now, I need some time. I'm so sorry. I wish I could say that I could do that for you. I wish I could hold that space for you, for example. I know you're seeking that connection with me. But I can't do it. Okay, how do you think it landed with him? Well, did he welcome it? I mean, no. Okay, and I'm saying this not as a bad thing.
[00:19:24] I mean, in that moment, it would have been very hard for him, right, to receive that because he actually did, you know, it was vulnerable of him to actually say that, to ask what he wanted to ask. But it was also very vulnerable of me to show up in honesty and authenticity and tell him that.
[00:19:44] And what was new for me was that I told myself, it's okay for him to be upset with me. He is allowed to be upset with me. If I were in his shoes, I would be upset too. This is two people showing up at the best of our ability at this point in time. Unfortunately, both of us showing up at our best at this point in time, can't give each other what we need from each other. That's just reality. That doesn't mean we don't love each other.
[00:20:16] Right, so, before I was more integrated, I think I couldn't stand the thought of, you know, the feeling of my husband being upset with me. And that's what would drive my behaviour. I would try and change what I say or do so that he wouldn't be upset. Because I feel like I was a failure if I couldn't fix his problem or I couldn't make him happy.
[00:20:35] But when I became more integrated, like slowly over time, I realized that no, that's not real intimacy, right? That's not a real loving relationship. A really authentic loving relationship is that we can both show up as ourselves and allow the other, his or her emotions.
[00:20:56] Right, so, even if it means being upset or angry, well we need to give one another, each other that space and that time to process it, to work through it, to journey through it, whatever that is, right. So, in the moment, sometimes showing up as our true self or saying something or acting in a way that we believe has true integrity to who we are and who God is calling us to be, may be hard for some people.
[00:21:29] And it may not say anything about how right or wrong either they or we are. Sometimes, our best is very limited, right? That's the other thing. I can look back sometimes now, I can look back at what I had done before and recognize really honestly, that the best at that time was really very poor in the sense that, you know, it really hurt people.
[00:21:51] Right, and I won't deny that. I won't deny that anymore, but I also feel I don't need to deny that because that was the best I could do then. Right, so, authenticity or when we are having a real, authentic connection with ourself allows us to show up as our real self and make possible a deeper, more authentic connection with others.
[00:22:19] Even if that connection is an uncomfortable one, even if so to speak, my true self doesn't land well with others. Okay, so, to the question that was asked, you know, so how then does showing up as myself, connecting to myself and being my true self necessarily or does it really mean that I'll connect better with others if my true self doesn't land well with others?
[00:22:41] I hope that my response so far helps a little to nuance that okay that your true self may not always end well with others, but that doesn't mean that you're not making an authentic connection with others so part of the Excuse me. Part of the integration journey is becoming more okay with allowing other people their emotions, even if that emotion is, can be felt a bit like in that moment that they are rejecting us.
[00:23:10] That's the beauty of integration and healing. We become more secure and stable within ourselves. We become more able to withstand that. And we allow others the space they need to make their interior journey, to process whatever it is they need to process. Because we know that, however we quote unquote land with others, our truth of land with others doesn't change our worth, our dignity, our beauty, you know, the truth of who we are.
[00:23:37] INDICATORS OF GROWTH IN THE INTERIOR JOURNEY
Okay, so, the second part of this question was the larger question is, what are the indicators of growth in the interior journey? Alright, and is connection with others necessarily one of them? So, I'm going to say, especially, speaking as a person of faith, one very helpful way of just thinking in general, indicators of growth in the interior journey, okay?
[00:23:59] FRUITS OF THE HOLY SPIRITS
The whole interior journey, whether it's spiritual or human, really, I think one good reference point is the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Okay, so, this is taken from the letter to the Galatians, St. Paul's letter to the Galatians. Chapter 5. Okay, so, the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
[00:24:28] Okay, just, listen again and take it in. Love. Joy. Peace, Patience, Kindness, Generosity, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. Now, when we are making the interior journey, indicators of growth would include experiencing these fruits in our connection with ourself, as well as our connection with others.
[00:25:01] There's more love, there's more joy, even when things are difficult. So, for example, even when my true self doesn't lend well with others, guess what? I actually experience more peace than before. There's strangely still a joy, even in the midst of my pain and discomfort, maybe there are some parts of me that feel rejected, but there is a joy that I didn't have before, that I could actually not betray myself and be myself.
[00:25:24] There's joy there. I become more patient, both with myself and with others, right? I find that I'm kinder. Okay, some of these terms I want to say we also need to bear in mind that we have assumptions of what they should look and feel like and sometimes they could be problematic, okay? So, for example, self-control is a big one, especially when it is used in a very religious kind of context.
[00:25:51] We think of discipline and self-control as a very outwardly imposed. So, even with ourself, it's like, you know, it's a hard, it could be a harsh, I control myself. It's more about behaviour modification to make sure that I don't lose my temper, for example, because I think it's not good to lose my temper, right? To be angry at others. That's not the true meaning of self-control here.
[00:26:15] Think about living from the inside out authentically. It's not just about controlling my behaviour because when I'm controlling my behaviour, when I'm controlling my behaviour, I could do it by bypassing my emotions. I could do it by ignoring and repressing and suppressing my emotions, for example.
[00:26:33] A lot of us, we're just so focused on the behaviour that we think self-control is about controlling behaviour. I think a better way to think about self-control here would be related with what we talk about also, regulation, right - emotional regulation is an inside out process. It includes connecting with ourself, giving ourself the acknowledgement, the non-judgmental acknowledgement of what's going on inside and going through the whole process to showing up more authentically for our external behaviour.
[00:27:06] If you really want to imagine it, if you want to think about external behaviour, really reaching a level of very emotionally mature, you know? Less incidents of let's say losing your temper and all that kind of thing, that's not going to be an immediate thing when we're focused on behaviour modification, we want the result right now and we don't care that we suppress, what's going on inside us.
[00:27:23] But when we make the integration journey, what we want is the authentic process of the growth, right, over time, when you make that interior journey, you'll find that self-control is not something that you attain, it's not something that you achieve even, it is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.
[00:27:41] That's why the image of fruit is so important. Fruit is what comes naturally, organically, when a plant or a tree is well taken care of, right? If it's planted in good soil, if it's watered, if it gets sunlight, if it has enough nutrient, it will naturally, in time, bear fruit. So, these are fruit and they're not traits that we perform.
[00:28:06] Okay, we don't try to perform kindness. I mean, you know, yes, I know we do, but that's not what we're talking about in the interior journey. Kindness and real generosity and faithfulness is another big word that I think we often have conceptions of what that should look and feel like, which can actually be quite damaging.
[00:28:23] Okay, from the inside out, a fidelity that comes, especially in this context, in a spiritual context, from experiencing and receiving God's faithful love for us. We do not have faithfulness to give if it is not a fruit of receiving and growing from the faithfulness that God pours into us from himself, right?
[00:28:49] So, when you look at the fruits of the spirit, you can see also how that would also yield maybe. I often talk about greater compassion for self and greater compassion for others. It's right there. We've become more gentle. We're kinder. We're more generous. We're more generous, which also means we're less judgmental, right?
[00:29:08] Our hearts, quite literally in a sense, expand in space because the Holy Spirit grows us and expands us. So, in terms of indicators of growth, indicators of growth, I would say it would be you know, the fruits of the Holy Spirit and it’s connection with others. So, yes, in terms of authentic connection, right?
[00:29:32] So, I just know I nuanced at the start of this response that it's not just any kind of connection because we can have inauthentic connection. Sometimes, some connection is better than none. We will always travel connection have connection. But if we make this integration journey and we over time see the fruits of the Holy Spirit, you will find that we definitely will grow in authentic connection with others.
[00:29:55] Just remember authentic connection doesn't necessarily mean it's comfortable. It doesn't mean that it's happy. Sometimes, an authentic connection could mean being rejected. Just think of the prophets in the Old Testament or think of Jesus. I mean, think of Jesus for crying out loud. He showed up as his true self. He showed up with an authentic connection. He loved everyone, right? But sometimes that authentic connection meant speaking hard truths and calling people hypocrites, right and His authenticity, His showing up as his true self - did it land well with others? Of course, clearly it didn't land well with everyone.
[00:30:35] He was crucified. He was persecuted and crucified, right? So, He already said as well, in the gospel, that no servant is greater than a master or whatever has happened to Him, will happen to us, in a sense as part of discipleship. But what we have, just like what Jesus had, continues to be the fruit of the Spirit in spite of sometimes our true self not lending well with others. We are loving them more than we would have been able to love them in the past when we were only trying to perform to win their affection or to win their approval or to avoid conflict, for example, right?
[00:31:16] So, we are more real than before. So, in that sense, we are actually, you know, in a deeper reality, sense, we are actually more authentically connecting to them and sometimes that connection may expose what needs to be exposed, both in them or in ourselves. So, once we can remember and accept that authentic connections don't necessarily mean comfortable, don't necessarily mean happy, pleasurable, but we're looking at the deeper qualities over time of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
[00:31:56] Then you'll understand why it is that really learning to connect with ourselves in that authentic way that we are growing in the interior journey will yield and lead to authentic connections with others. Okay, so that that's just my response to that question.
[00:32:15] Do you have any questions on this topic? So, I was just answering a question about does connecting to self. necessarily result in connecting with others. Alright, and I'm saying, if we are talking about authentic connection and not just any kind of connection, then yes, even though that connection may sometimes be uncomfortable and challenging and difficult. So, if you have any, any kind of like continuing questions or after you revisit the full sharing, please, as always, you know, find me in my direct message and I'll be very happy to respond to that.
[00:32:53] Okay, so, otherwise I'll just end this sharing here and I hope that this has helped you, whoever it is, you know, those of you who are watching this or listening to this, be able to understand or expand your understanding really of what it means to have authentic connection with self and others as the fruit of making the interior journey.
[00:33:22] God bless and bye!
[00:33:25] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.
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