You Didn't Ask For This
You Didn't Ask For This
89 | YDAFT & Afraid: Live from Ikea (Part 1)
In our first-ever two-part episode, we venture out into the wilds of Swedish furniture and meatballs. The boys recorded this one in person in Ikea to answer all your questions about the furniture fun house.
For the photos referenced in this episode, follow along on our Instagram!
Part Two will be released next week. That's right: no off week between episodes 89 and 90...you're getting three straight weeks of YDAFT goodness.
We're on TikTok now! Go see our dumb faces!
Submit your least pressing questions, local legends, definitive rankings, neighborhood group drama, and whatever else you want us to cover at youdidntaskforthis@gmail.com or @udidntaskpod on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
You can also leave us a voicemail on The Thoughtline at (410) 929-5329 and we might just play it on the show!
hey, there sport oh, hey, hey let's have a quick, just a quick chat like a quick little combo yeah, I know and no, and we are talking to you yeah, no, you, we're not you.
Eric:This isn't a bit. We're talking to you, we're talking, we're having a this, this is the talk.
Matt:Okay, this is the talk. Okay, this is the talk.
Eric:Your podcast is changing, all right, and change can be scary.
Matt:New things are happening. New things are happening, but you know what? It's only temporary.
Eric:Yeah, it's only for a little bit, while we your, Matthew and I figure things out.
Matt:Yes, so if and if you're a new listener, then this bit doesn't work at all and you're very confused.
Eric:As Matt astutely pointed out to me earlier, this bit does establish that we have really good mics and that you can generally expect this level of quality moving forward.
Matt:Yes, so just to drop everything, because this was supposed to be a quick intro. This is a special episode of you didn't ask for this, it's so special. There's two of them, yup, two parter babies Kill, build that shit the what is going to follow is a episode that eric and I recorded live in an ikea with wireless microphones. So if you're new, this is what the podcast has sounded like for 88 episodes yeah, this is like right now this golden except for episode four which thought we had an audio problem and it kind of sucks We'll talk about that one.
Matt:Yeah, it's rough, but there's some good content in episode four.
Eric:This right here. You can expect this all over the dang place.
Matt:But not necessarily in this episode.
Eric as Werner Herzog:This one's going to have character, oh yeah, character building. Aha.
Matt:So here's what's going to happen. You're about to hear this fantastic episode of Podcasting History and then next week we're going to do the rest of it. That's right, folks. We have back-to-back release Thursdays for you and we're not changing episode 90's release date, so that means three straight Thursdays of new you daft everybody. Hat trick Hat trick Hat trick. Who's into soccer now? Listen, we're going to turn it over now to our good friends us in a Jeep outside of an undisclosed location, ikea, and you're going to have a great time.
Eric:You're going to have a fantastic time. Take it away us. We're here, we're afraid we are.
Matt:We are sitting in your illustrious Jeep.
Eric:Yes, yes, yes, let me just go ahead and pop the engine off. Yeah, there you go. Just get some hold on, let me get some. Get some Foley in there. Yeah, that's great that.
Matt:Hold on, let me get some Foley in there. Yeah, that's great, that's great, yeah. So if this is your first episode, buckle up. This is a bit different. We have long touted this episode and here it is. We are about to walk inside, wearing wireless microphones, to an Ikea in an undisclosed location. We will never tell. To an Ikea in an undisclosed location, we will never tell and we are going to record the questions you have all sent to us about Ikea. Now, we did receive, I believe, from our friend Aaron on Good Pods. We did receive a suggestion for this type of episode slash this segment. You daft and afraid, you daft and afraid.
Eric:You daft and afraid. Ikea edition it's got legs.
Matt:It has legs. I like it. I like it Because I don't think we can use the undercover angle anymore. No, because we are keeping the mics while discreet visible.
Eric:They are very visible, it's very clear we're recording. Also, matt, I don't think it's very clear, we're recording also, matt.
Matt:I don't think it's very clear recording.
Eric:Unless you know what those devices, it's very clear we're up to something well, that's always clear. We are wearing matching black henley's but I would also say we, we are now. I was like all right, let's wear, like you know, nondescript t-shirts. And then both matt and I understood that to mean black henley. Yeah, just black henley, absolutely. Uh, but we also can't go undercover, matt, we're household name.
Matt:I mean truly. People are going to see us. People are going to recognize us.
Eric:We're going to have to edit out a lot of people approaching us, going hey. A lot of swooning, a lot of swooning. Thank God we're somewhere with lots of chaise longes for that exact.
Matt:Oh shit, I didn't wear my wedding ring. I totally forgot it. I hope an Ikea lady doesn't sweep me off my feet.
Eric:Sorry, babe. When in Ikea do as the Swedes do, I'm terrified.
Matt:Okay, so that's our little preamble. So, sound quality, all that stuff might be hit or miss. We're going to find out, I guess. Might have a little more character than usual. It might be our first time. It's going to be our first time doing this and listen, we might get kicked out.
Eric:We might get arrested at this Ikea.
Matt:Okay, I don't know why that would happen, but we have to be prepared for that. Ikea. Okay, I don't know why that would happen, but we have to be prepared. We have to be. And in that eventuality, what would we do.
Eric:Oh, immediately established diplomatic immunity. I think this is technically Swedish soil, Do we? It's like an embassy. It's like an embassy. Ikea is a sovereign nation. It doubles as a Swedish embassy. We call diplomatic immunity.
Matt:Now we are going to head inside. We're going to take off these mics. Yes, because we are going to start this adventure by getting some meatballs.
Eric:Oh, we are going to get so right with the meatball gods.
Matt:We're going to get right with the meatball gods, but that will be, hopefully, until the register, the only time we speak directly to an employee. Yes, because we don't to an employee, yes, because we don't want to get kicked out. So we're going to wait until after we get our meatballs to record again, but before we go, should we do? I mean, this is kind of like administrative cold open. Maybe we should do a real cold open.
Eric:Hey you want to do a real cold, do you?
Matt:have one. I have a mini one.
Eric:Give me your mini one, okay, um have you ever found.
Matt:Hold on, let me start like we're starting the episode. Okay, poach, have you? Oh, hey, matt, have you ever found yourself in the middle of someone else's bit?
Eric:oh I, it doesn't happen. Often doesn't happen, but when it does, when it does, tell me, tell me, tell me everything, eric, it was so good yesterday.
Matt:I'm in a giant, I'm picking up a few things. Just ran out from the house it's right down the street came right back, yeah and um, while I was there, as I'm sure you know, the power ball it's just going up and up, and up, up, up baby.
Eric:So I was due.
Matt:So I was like someone's due, so I better grab a ticket or two. So so I punch in my numbers and you know where the machine is. It's at the end of the store. It's after the registers. The security guard's sitting there in the corner.
Eric:It's sequestered from polite society.
Matt:Yeah. So I'm making my picks and there's a person lining up behind me because everybody wants a piece of my money you know, win Matt Shea's millions and I finish, I get my ticket. I'm looking at it, observing my numbers as I'm walking away. As I'm walking away, I pass the security guard, okay, who? He just kind of leans in and kind of follows me, you know, like with his body as I'm walking away and with the most forlorn, sad, desperate face and voice he goes. Don't forget the little people.
Matt:And I thought to myself this man has been doing this all day long, every time, and has perfected yes, has perfected when to pull it off. And I I immediately just like turned on a dime and I was like I'll see, and. But inside I was cackling it's primo bit. I left the store, I came home, I told Lindsay right away she cackled what it is a perfect. I was doing a little thing on TikTok a couple of times I haven't done it for a while called bit crit, where I, where I provide critique of people's bits. I've only done it a few times.
Eric:It's a much-needed service in today's climate. It is, and this one gets a 10 out of 10 from BitCrit. Oh, absolutely, it's not off A. We went to school for theater where it could be difficult to find a generous scene part. Absolutely, and here you are.
Eric:I know right here, yes and absolutely. And here you are. I know right, yes, and but uh, this guy, you just found one out in the wild, found a random bit, partner, and it's great, when they make the bit, they open the door to the bit and you're like, oh, can I step into this bit? You're like, come on come on in. Oh, because that's. The crime against humanity is when someone starts a bit and you're like, okay, I can bit with you but then they're like what are you doing?
Eric as Werner Herzog:What are you doing?
Eric:Oh, okay. Okay, bro, See, it was quick, I told you yeah it was very quick. Do you want to know mine? Oh, you got one too. I got one too.
Matt:Hit me Double quote open Hold double quote open. Hold on, we'll do it again, here we go.
Eric:Oh Matt, yeah, how much do you know about yo-yos? Not enough. So I fell down a hole. It started with, for Easter, my mom in my Easter basket. My mom still gives every one of her children, grandchildren and their significant others Easter baskets. I don't get the basket, but I get the items there. Yeah, and I think we've discussed that before. Yeah, and this year my mom will just see stuff. She's like I think Eric will like this and 100% of the time she's right.
Eric:She got me a yo-yo, nice, and I was like oh fuck, yeah, a yo-yo. I opened it up, matt, I'm going to be honest with you. You can't cradle that bitch. Lord knows. I tried. Oh God, matt, the yo-yo was and this is not a diss in any way against my mother, who is a saint because it's Easter basket. We're talking Easter basket tier items here. Sure, so like, no, like we're tempering expectations. The yo-yo was mid, it's mid, the yo-yo was mid. We're tempering expectations. The yo-yo was mid, it's mid, the yo-yo was mid. So my hyper fixation what it does was like well, now I need to know what a good yo-yo is like and I fell down a hole.
Eric:Did you know that there's entire subreddit dedicated to yo-yo enthusiasts? Uh, it doesn't shock. Doesn't shock you, do you know what it's called? I? I wish you'd tell me R-Throwers. R-throwers, that is the self-selected term for a yo-yo, they call themselves throwers. I'm just going to read you this is the whole code open. I'm going to read you some thread titles. Give it to me. Let me, because I've kind of bookmarked.
Matt:Send us your favorite subreddits that we should explore.
Eric:Listeners. You just, I'm just going to go through these. Yeah, these are thread titles. Negative 3.0 Beef Hook what the fuck is that? Nomad Thrower Style Combo. Nomad Thrower Style Combo Just performed for a large crowd for the first time. It did not go well.
Matt:What does that mean? Hold on, Can you imagine? I like to think that they're throwing up a little wood stage in a parking lot Like here ye, here ye, here ye, I'm about to throw. I've got a negative Z meat hook here for you.
Eric:Oh yeah it says, oh you, oh yeah. It says oh man, okay, yeah, performed for a large crowd, Did not go out. I can't imagine why.
Eric:Just needed to share some thoughts about a tough performance. I had done some small crowds before, but tonight I performed in front of about 50 to 75 people Bad lighting, awkward, stage, bar, crowd, the work. So what I'm getting from this is this is someone who performs for people they throw down regularly. I had practiced a small 2.5 min routine for a couple weeks and had everything mapped out and boy did I blow it. Nothing egregious, no dings or broken strings, but I couldn't land anything. My Quijibo wouldn't stick, hit the finger, step in, but not the dna I want to.
Matt:I I'm gonna interrupt you just because I want to say I hope somewhere in the world there's a place, a bar, a yo-yo bar for throwers called dings and broken strings strings, so a long story short.
Eric as Werner Herzog:It wasn't great, but I wanted to share called.
Eric:Dings and Broken Strings. Dings and Broken Strings yes, so a long story short. It wasn't great, but I wanted to share my story. I'm going to put some inflection on this. I wanted to share my story. It's not all roses in this hobby and I'm at least proud of finally popping my stage cherry Thought. Some of you might be able to relate. I'll use it as a stepping stone to improve, but, man, I feel like dirt. How many upvotes does this have? 34. There are 41,000 throwers in this subreddit.
Matt:My.
Eric:God, what a community. Are you a thrower? Let us know If you're a thrower, I want to interview you because I need you to teach me things, because I did buy a nice yo-yo.
Matt:We have to talk about the man who is doing laps, he's running, he's jogging and he's come by already twice while we've been sitting here.
Eric:Oh wow, he's doing laps of the Ikea parking lot. Look at him. I know that white. Jeep isn't following him, but I thought it was his trainer.
Matt:That'd be so funny. He's obstructing traffic. He's running in the middle of the road.
Eric:Also, you know this is a Swedish embassy. Look at that European-ass car. Oh my God. This blue it's a BMW sports car.
Matt:I was gonna say I hate to tell you that, eric, it's a BMW, but yeah.
Eric:Yeah, but like.
Matt:I mean it is a European car, but kind of it looks mad European right now it's exotic. Maybe it's time for us to go inside. All right, let's throw down, let's go Play it cool, play it cool, play it cool. All right, we're back on, we're live, we're in the cafeteria.
Matt:We've made it in so far as getting meatballs. Well, cheer, cheers to you. Oh, cheers to you, my friend, a little meatball, cheer Gosh, it's been so long I see you go for the fork. Yeah, as opposed to what? The toothpick, the humble toothpick. Now, we both got apple cake simply because it had a Swedish flag in it.
Eric:We're about representation on this show. Oh are we.
Matt:And we have a window seat and we have chosen a rather secluded spot to begin this adventure. A little divider screen With a yucca plant over there. Oh, a yucca plant. Hmm, I love a meatball.
Eric:We love a meatball.
Matt:Now we do have a question about meatballs, I think. Oh yeah, hit me with it. Now we have a few questions that I think we need to keep an eye on. Oh, ones.
Eric:We yes ones. We need to track throughout our journey.
Matt:Okay, so we have several questions that include a product name, that so we're going to have to be on the lookout for these products. Yes, all right, the first one, and these actually all come from our good friend Juniper. How many Furbies could fit in a Scruffbee?
Eric:Okay. What celebrity would you gift the founding charter to, if you could Best?
Matt:creative uses for a divrgmus.
Eric:Is the Morabo armchair worth $800?
Matt:You know, I'm just realizing, based on that question, we could have done a definitive ranking in person of IKEA furnishings, we still could later, we still could A little ad hoc.
Eric:A sequel perhaps this is, I think we can all agree now, this is getting a sequel.
Matt:It may, because we do have a question about and this came from a few people, I have it written down from Amy Sanka Coffee Face, but it's from many different people which is essentially buying a piece of complicated IKEA furniture and putting it together and recording the process.
Eric:Oh, you and me, yes, having a little afternoon assemble some IKEA furniture together.
Matt:Yes, they want to end the podcast. Eric is what, and they're hoping that'll do it.
Eric:Well, see, that's my thing. You and I. I know this for a fact, and it's because you're one of my best friends that I can say this with some authority you and I could never live together. No, but I feel like we could build the shit out of some Ikea furniture.
Matt:Oh yeah, yeah, you want to know why. Bit city, bit city, fertile ground. As soon as you started doing anything, I'd come over you, I'd hunch over you. Just put hands on knees, get that crotch right in your face and be like, well, you see what you're going to want to do here is you? Want to take the Allen wrench, Really gripping. Good now son.
Eric:Every time you look over, you have no idea what orientation those directions are going to be in.
Matt:You're on a completely unrelated step. You have different instructions.
Eric:I have a manual to like a 1997 Sony VCR. That would be my bit Every time. I'd have a stack of different instructions so I'd switch out every time you turned away.
Matt:Now, we're not doing that this time, but we will consider it for the future. I think that needs a video component, though, for the video.
Eric:We call it the Squeakquel, but we spell Squeakquel like you would. A piece of Ikea furniture Nice.
Matt:Multiple layers of hilarity. This is something else to keep an eye on. What is the comfiest piece of furniture? I think I said that right, coziest key item? Yeah, but we have some that are directly about our meal that we're having, so, okay, let's get in there. Who wins in a fight? Lingonberry or cranberry? And that one comes from at mike perry on instagram. Thank you, mike.
Eric:so the lingonberry. I assume that is what's in this. This is like a yes that's what the sauce?
Matt:is I okay, so I have to teach you everything about it. Yeah, yeah, lingonberry takes it for me. Lingonberry definitely takes it.
Eric:There's no argument because the problem with cranberries is like it's such a tell me, it's such a crap shoot, sorry, a cran shoot nice as to whether or not you'll get that perfectly balanced sweet tartness goodness in your cranberry deal, or whether you're just getting punched in the face with a juice equivalent of an IPA. Very wise Lingonberry. There's like the most subtle hint of tartness. It's more sweet forward, but I like that and so do most. I imagine this. This just essentially tastes like cranberries if you just dumped like an extra, like half a cup of sugar in them.
Matt:Oh yeah, because they need that. They need that. The cranberries need it. I'm sure we talked about this in one of our many a Thanksgiving episode, but where do you fall on cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving?
Eric:When I was a kid, I fucking hated it.
Eric:Yeah, as I got older I appreciated it more Well. The thing is, now I understand what it's used for. It's a condiment. Yeah, it's cranberry sauce. When I was a kid, they would just heap it on my plate. I'm like, what do I do with it? Like you eat it, just eat raw dogging cranberry sauce, and I hated it. But then I started smearing it on my turkey, like what truly unlocked cranberry sauce for me was, when I was old enough to start making my own thanksgiving leftover sandwiches.
Matt:Oh yes you've talked much and more about it, which I've started doing on your influence.
Eric:It's very fun. It's very fun and, and what is what is kind of paradoxical, is like, by itself, cranberry sauce is kind of dog shit, just like if you're just no one's, I'm never going to get like a bowl of just straight cranberry sauce.
Matt:I'm going to stop you right there. It is dog shit. It is dog shit.
Eric:But a Thanksgiving leftover sandwich cannot exist without it.
Matt:You have to have you need to. You got gotta cut off a slice of that can and put it in there.
Eric:Do you know what's really funny? I keep avoiding a certain putting my hands in front of a certain area of my face because I think, like instinctually, you're gonna hit the mic, I'm gonna hit the mic, yeah I think the same thing.
Matt:We've become so disconnected, so elite with our mic setup. I know this is a whole new world and just so you guys get the picture listening at home, we basically have two little squares that look like they could be heart monitors in the middle of our chest, a critical medical device that no one's allowed to ask us about.
Matt:And it does have lights on it that I've covered up with electrical tape Just to keep it as discreet as possible. Yeah, oh, yeah, okay. So Lingenberry takes it. Lingenberry takes it. Thank you for the question. Lingenberry absolutely takes it. This question comes from Unholy Mole. Did the staff get free giant meatballs for Christmas?
Eric:That's a good question. So do they get like a comically big meatball? Yeah, uh, that's a good question. So do they get a comically big meatball? I do wonder what perks At a minimum they've got to get a discount.
Matt:Oh, like what perks they get. Yeah, oh they definitely get a discount. I would think they probably eat the food court for free God.
Eric:that'd be great. That would honestly be sick. That would be a huge work for them. I'll tell you what.
Matt:You said it in line when we were off mic. This gives huge college cafeteria food court vibes and I love it, Especially sitting here with you.
Eric:It's like the Calvert food, because the food is not bad.
Matt:We got food on a tray.
Eric:I mean how many?
Matt:times have you and I done this.
Eric:Yeah, countless times.
Matt:We also have what is the most legume piece of furniture available at Ikea. That one comes from Grant, who sent us an email.
Eric:Thanks, grant. As I understand it, you did a little dramaturgy, I believe in Swedish legume means mid Middle of the road.
Matt:What's the most boring? Before we even get started, I'm going to say what I think. The answer is Okay, and we'll be on the lookout to beat it. Okay, because everyone who's ever been in a home has encountered a lack. Which one is the lack? Lack, which one is the lack? The lack is the basic table that costs like $4, that the legs literally just windmill screw into the bottom. Yes, the lack is everyone's first end table.
Eric:It is the entry point. It is the entry point to IKEA. Yes, it is the end table. It is the alpha and the omega table. It shall inherit.
Matt:It is the alpha and the omega table it shall inherit. It shall, because the first time you're here you don't even know about I feel like you don't even know about the meatballs when you come here, unless, like you, don't come here and get lunch first, unless you're with someone who knows Ikea first.
Eric:Unless you know what the fuck is up. Yeah, it's kind of brilliant because on your way out they give you a reason to want to come back, Because you might not go to a furniture store all the time, but you might come back to a decent food court.
Matt:Because it's an experience. It's an experience. Lindsay and I once came here this is true Because we had the craving for the Swedish meatballs and then we thought, and we can take a spin through the store too. That's how we viewed it. We came here for dinner, had the meatballs it was like, honestly, like 40 minutes before they closed had the meatballs and then, literally just like, went to the exit by way of the store. I'll tell you this you walked through the store. Yeah, we bought something. I forget what it was, but we bought something. See, you bought something. This is what I want to say about Ikea it is brilliant, the setup is brilliant, it's ingenious.
Eric:Everything is designed to look attractive, attractive, look nice. They use their own shit everywhere. They use their own shit everywhere, I'm pretty sure, everything.
Matt:We're like you can interact with everything.
Eric:Yeah, Like I think everything we're sitting on is IKEA brand and you have to walk through everything.
Matt:There are shortcuts, they're hard to find. Everything's confusing. You walk through, you have to earn your freedom, you have to earn your freedom, you get. And then, when you get through the showroom, you get to the marketplace where everything is so grabbable and cheap and you can fill a cart. And then they still get you on the way out with all that delicious soft serve and cinnamon rolls and what have you? Now Lindsay gave me a list. While I'm here, I have to pick up some planting pots. Ah yeah.
Eric:Alyssa is also looking to repot her aloe plants, so I might keep an eye out for some pottery.
Matt:So we said we had to buy something. I don't think that counts. I think we'd have to buy something that we organically find on the way. I'm going to jump into this cake now, this apple cake. Oh, you're in for a treat that has a Swedish flag in it. Tell you what? Because you gave me shit about the toothpick for the meatballs. I'm going to eat the cake with the toothpick. Which of the two is objectively more difficult? It's not bad, this apple cake.
Eric as Werner Herzog:No.
Matt:It's better than the. I was telling you about this online the caramel apple or caramel almond cake. That looks awesome.
Eric:It looks so fucking good.
Matt:I got it the last time I was here and I'll tell you what it's not good. It's very dry.
Eric:This apple cake. It's not as like dense and sweet as like American. Like it's apple cake. It's not as dense and sweet as American. It's apple cake. It's not apple pie. It is definitely not apple pie. It puts me in the mind of an apple oatmeal breakfast.
Matt:It's giving slight notes of an elevated little Debbie.
Eric:Yes, yes, it is a young Debbie, it's a young.
Matt:Let's be careful about how we proceed with this bit.
Eric:Not a Debbie, not yet a Deb. Nice, you know what I mean.
Matt:Yeah, we don't want old Deborah, we don't want to encounter old Deborah.
Eric:One of the greatest human beings I know is named Deborah.
Matt:Yeah, yeah, I know a number of Debs and Debbies, yeah.
Eric:The one. I know. You fucking rule. She goes by Deborah, she goes by Deb.
Matt:Most people call her Deb, but she'll go by either, because I know one person who goes by Deborah and Like uh-oh.
Eric:Deborah exclusively Mm-hmm Does not like, deb Doesn't like.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Deb Ooh wild.
Matt:Yeah, I feel the same way about that as if I encountered somebody who goes by Matthew.
Eric:See, I never have to worry about that. No, you don't. I'm never in that. That sphere will never apply to me. Does anyone call you E? Oh, one of my coworkers, Joe. He calls me E-Money, E-Money, yeah, Interesting. Yeah, there's some people now I'm thinking about it.
Matt:There's some people at work who call me E we should also address the fact that you do have a fanny pack on.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Mmm.
Eric:Well, okay, okay, let's uh, let's address the elephant in the room. I'm rocking the foot out of my Chrome hit bag. Chrome, please sponsor us. I love your products and I can't afford them. And yet you have them. Yeah, got everything I need. Well, this is the one I can afford. It's got my glasses case in there. Nice, got a couple fidgets. That's like the legal stuff.
Matt:I wonder how many Ikeas have this window over, like open fields that we're currently living in? Yeah, because this is pretty sweet. There's literally a countryside outside.
Eric:It's very minimal. There's no.
Matt:It's not like we're in the middle of nowhere or anything. We're in a densely populated area.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Much like.
Eric:Ikea it is simple comforting familiar.
Matt:There's no birds in here. Sometimes there are birds in here.
Eric:At a certain size buildings just get birds. How long do you think people struggled to address that before? At a certain size buildings just get birds? Yeah, Because how are you going to get down? How long do you think people struggled to address that before they just kind of accepted the fact that at a certain size a building's just going to have birds? I mean, airports have birds in them, all Airports have birds. You ever go to a fucking Home Depot, Costco Birds?
Matt:Can you imagine a bird getting on a plane?
Eric:What do they do? What do they do when they realize they're?
Matt:like how do they? They're never going to be going this fast again.
Eric:They have to talk about it over the P. They'll have to address it. There's a bird, Please. There's a bird in or around. It's more scared of you than you are of it. It's like we're going to England. It's like a 16-hour flight.
Matt:Yeah, you're mid-Atlantic and it's just flapping around. Oh, dude, do they have protocols for that? They must they have to. You'd probably have to land. Not in the middle of the Atlantic, though. Where would you go? An aircraft carrier who knows where one is.
Eric:Could, like I was going to say, theoretically could a 747 land an aircraft carrier?
Eric as Werner Herzog:I don't think so. But I was going to say, theoretically, could a Boeing 747 land on the aircraft carrier?
Eric:I don't think so, but I was going to follow that up with. Well, that's theorizing that a Boeing can land Nice, Eric.
Matt:You've got to get.
Eric:Boeing, you've got to get them. If that ain't punching up, I don't know what is. It's certainly not punching down Eric.
Matt:I notice you have stacked your dishes. Are you ready to go? Are?
Eric:you still sipping your lips.
Matt:I have one more sip of my lips and then Now I might, just so my mind is clear and my bladder is empty we might have to take a small intermission. We're going to have to take an intermission when we top the mics off so we don't have a Leslie Nielsen type moment.
Eric:Yes, I need to center myself. There's a fork on the floor. Is that one of ours? No, well, here, I can't In good conscience.
Matt:Social contract. All right, so I guess here we go.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Here we go.
Matt:All right, we've gone back to the beginning. Here we are.
Eric:As if we walked in off the street.
Matt:Oh yeah, just a couple of Joes. Now I have learned that these little rooms are called room sets.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Room sets. Yes, okay, that's something I've learned, peering into the different realities I do.
Eric:This man is testing out this bed. Oh yeah, he's just flopping on it. He's just flopping right on it, he's staring up, he's contemplating, he wants to know in his lowest moments that the hemnes will be there for him. I love a hemnes Hemnes makes good shit.
Matt:Yes, the hemnes, I say. We've talked much and more about the tears.
Eric:Why don't we go have a seat in this first room. Let's do our first interview.
Matt:Okay, so this is the Besta. This is the Besta Lounge. The Besta Lounge, I'm going to call it the Besta Lounge. Okay, and so there's a big game here on the screen with two unmarked football teams.
Eric:Yes, number 55, looking really strong there.
Matt:Yeah, this is what it would look like if we both were interested in football and were watching the game, and a pixelated outside window.
Eric:Yeah, that is somewhat dystopian it is. So I'm just going to go ahead and pull the curtain down Not all the way we want to know it's there.
Matt:Okay, we want to see it, oh it's so easy.
Eric:You just put like these are good. I'll tell you what.
Matt:This is how I know I'm getting all. These are good blinds. I love a good. A friend of mine has these blinds and we've been eyeing them, me and Lindsey. Yeah yeah. Anyway, we've been talking about the tiers at IKEA, Okay.
Eric:Hemnes, I think solid middle tier, like you're just starting to figure out that you have standards. Yes, just now oh sorry, Just clocked that there is signed memorabilia in this. I want to know who. Yes, let's take a look. Number 33, Pablo Is this locked?
Matt:I could just Eric. It's not locked because those aren't real collections.
Eric:Yeah, but I could just. But not everyone knows that. I wonder how often they have to replace these. Honestly, this is more valuable memorabilia to me.
Matt:Okay, here we have. I'm picking up one of the novels off the wall here. This is Christine Falkenland's Minskuga, ah, minskuga, minskuga, minskuga.
Eric:Here I'll do a dramatic reading.
Matt:Yeah, yeah, yeah, hit me with it Sondag. Ja, gladi marke Til ur Cornelia Kladisig. Ja, ja.
Eric as Werner Herzog:This is offensive. This is deeply, deeply inappropriate.
Matt:I've decided what I'm doing is offensive, so we're going to issue a quick mid-show apology, quick mid-show. Really it's not even mid-show, although the show is mid.
Eric:Okay, so now we're in a sort of oh, there's sofas on shelves.
Matt:Yeah, it's the intro sofas. We're going to get more later. Yeah, what was the name of the armchair.
Eric:We have to keep an eye on oh Morembobo or something like that you got that question list with you, my friend.
Matt:Let me go ahead and whip that right out Now. I do like these little wooden yeah, the Morabo armchair, these little wooden armchair.
Eric:Is that to turn it into a pseudo side table?
Matt:Yes, that's exactly what it is, eric. Very good, this is the Rodabee. Rodabye, okay, $20.
Eric:$20. Is this also the same thing, but in the brown? Okay?
Matt:Same thing in the brown yeah, they're bamboo. Okay, absolutely yeah, okay.
Eric:Okay, well, done you. Do not Okay. Okay, need your hot take. How do you feel about leather Sofas? Yeah so Not good, not good.
Matt:Not good. Sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, cold in winter.
Eric:Cold in winter, sweater in summer.
Matt:And you can't be on them shirtless or nude or anything. It's the word you want to die Because, when I don't care who you are.
Eric as Werner Herzog:I don. Sitting on a leather sofa, yeah, with any part of your bare skin being at all warm.
Matt:It is the even your legs. There will come a moment when you're about to get up and you think to yourself there's a non-zero chance. I ripped my skin off, yes yeah, yeah, it never happens.
Eric:And then, and not to mention like, if you go to adjust you know I'm feeling when you've been like, you've settled in to the couch and then if you have to like lean up and then lean back, you then now have to experience all the back sweat. Yeah, that was like being held in place that you weren't aware of. A hundred percent it's awful.
Matt:This is a. This is a strand, mon. I'm sure you've seen this armchair before. I own one. This is the one in Corduroy.
Eric:For some reason, yeah, okay, I do reason.
Matt:oh yeah, okay, let's, I do love, I do love a high-backed chair, just because I don't get many of these in my life now I'm gonna sit on the upland three seats. This ain't bad. No, it's. It's pretty good. It's a wing chair. I recommend it. It's on sale here, and by on sale I mean it's just being sold for 349. I feel like that's gone up. I think it was cheaper when I bought it previously yeah okay kalinga it's now in my office. In fact, it's in the background of our camera angles.
Eric:Oh, it's available in dupar dark blue.
Matt:Okay, yeah I don't have it in this corduroy.
Eric:I have in like a slate gray oh so the the nordvala dark gray yeah absolutely nordvala dark gray, yeah, it got to be. This is okay. I feel like I'm in someone's grandma's house.
Matt:I do feel like we're having a nice chat in the parlor. Yes, now, eric, we've come to a stop in a room set very early on. Should we answer a question? Yeah, yeah, let's answer a question. Okay, one of the strongest through lines of the show is the strength of friendship between you two. Thank, you.
Matt:Ikea is famous for breaking up relationships. Please, each argue passionately for a design decision that you know the other would be disgusted by, and that one does. Come from the good friend of the pod, juniper, who went ham on the email she sent us. Gave us a bunch. Do we do that now, or do we do that as we go along?
Eric:I think we do that as we go along, because I'll know it when I see it. I'm going to keep my eye out for the thing that I know you will hate.
Matt:Okay, this comes and I'll do the same. This one also comes from Juniper. What cryptid lurks within Ikea, juniper, what cryptid lurks within Ikea?
Eric:Juniper, this is second only to you reminding me not to stare directly into the sun, which I have, which please remember that tomorrow I will commit to doing, because we are recording this the day before the eclipse, so you got to not look directly.
Matt:You got glasses.
Eric:I do not have eclipse glasses. Tomorrow is going to be harrowing for me Because I don't know what I'm going to do. You're not going to look at the sun.
Matt:But I can't miss the eclipse. You should have gotten eclipse glasses, eric. You had like 20 years to prepare. Yeah, it's shocking to know that you're not prepared. No, still.
Eric:But second only to Juniper telling me not to look directly into the sun. Is this question in terms of kindness, yeah, like, what a gift.
Matt:Well, based on our last episode of Mascot Madness. I would think Ike-ia lives within an.
Eric:Ike-ia, ike-ia and remind listeners again, describe Ike-ia to me.
Matt:Ike-ia. There is a picture of him on the Instagram, but he's like a little blue and yellow square that looks like Pixar designed him.
Eric:Yes, he was making the Pixar face with the eyebrow.
Matt:He's got the eyes, so he lurks here, but maybe you think she's asking about a real cryptid, real cryptid, or if?
Eric:we were. This lamp is only $65. See we're when I'm approaching this from is from a lore standpoint. I'm like what flavor of cryptid would lurk in an Ikea?
Matt:I'm taking a picture of you in this armchair.
Eric:Yeah.
Matt:Just to prove that we are just hanging out, we'll put some of these on the Instagram man.
Eric:The algorithm's going to be so confused they're going to think we were in so many different people's houses in one day, but like what? So what? I think it needs to be a Swedish cryptid. Yeah, I think it should be named. I'm just going to fish for a name around the Hauga, the Hauga, the Hauga. Oh, you'm just going to fish for a name around the Hauga, the Hauga, the Hauga.
Matt:Oh, you're just looking at the TV unit the Hauga, the Hauga. Alright, real quick, I'm looking at Swedish cryptids.
Eric:I think their name should translate the name. If we're just inventing one, though, the name of the cryptid like the Hauga should just translate to the meatball. The cryptid like the Hauga should just translate to like the meatball thief.
Matt:Now, how do you feel about Naken Naken? Who is the nude with the violin?
Eric as Werner Herzog:The nude with the violin, can you?
Matt:imagine. I want to paint a picture for you. It's midnight in Ikea. Okay, everyone leaves, yep. And then out of these fake doors they open, like Lion Witch and the Wardrobe. Yes, they open, and out comes Macken with the nude, with his violin and he just wanders the halls of Ikea playing a violin, swinging dick out there Swinging brain, swinging dick, plucking strings, plucking strings.
Eric:Is there like, is he mean?
Matt:No, I think he's very cheery, but he's just shy.
Eric as Werner Herzog:He's just shy.
Eric:He plays beautifully, but he doesn't believe in himself.
Matt:No, that's why he has to pretend he's been invited to many different people's homes. Oh man, it's a sad life for naken.
Eric:He sort of like represents, like the in with his, the shamefulness of his nudity, yeah, and the the solemnness of his art that he does not share with other ones. He represents the artists, uh, that barrier that we put up for ourselves of self-confidence or lack thereof. Eric, that's so wise, yeah, I think it's not me, man, it's this place.
Matt:Also pulled up for our reference. I do want to mention this. I have had the IKEA dictionary up because I know one question we did get, I believe from Sarah, at Sarah Feldman. Let me look at it now.
Eric:Oh hey.
Matt:Sarah? Who names the furniture? Who names the items? Who gets the best job in the world? Well, first of all, I do think that, and yes, that is from Ad Serif Hellman. I do think the founder did say he didn't want to go by item numbers, even though they do have item numbers, because he thought it was more inviting to use the Swedish words. And that's what they are. They're just. Swedish words. They're just different words. Does Hauga mean TV? Let's see what Hauga means. Oh no, you have nothing to apologize for.
Eric:Oh please. This is a nice room. Yeah, I like it a lot.
Matt:You know what. Honestly, hauga not on the list, huh, so I don't know what that says. Maybe I have a bad list.
Eric:It's only 80 bucks.
Matt:Hemnes means the home.
Eric:Hemnes means the home. Yes, should we move on we?
Matt:should we should. Now we should move on from the first room set we encountered, which we spent an inordinate amount of time.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Yeah, now I'm digging this, I'm really digging this Check out this.
Matt:It's got a nice brick background yeah.
Eric:Got a nice brick background. Very, I am a fool for greens.
Matt:Yeah, I feel like a cosmopolitan in here it feels very cosmopolitan.
Eric:I feel like you could be watching the game.
Eric as Werner Herzog:You could be watching some.
Eric:Wrexum, I could be over here typing on my um inordinately small keyboard yeah, my inordinately small and practical while I write my world travel blog spotcom, showcasing sunny greece. I'll tell you.
Matt:I'll tell you what this feels like. This feels like I have the best apartment in brooklyn the yeah, you, you're a friend's tier apartment.
Eric:Uh, can I turn this light on? Maybe you can, I don't know. Yeah, take a picture for the instagram.
Matt:Well, brooklyn, yeah, you're a friend's tier apartment. Can I turn this light off? Maybe you can, I don't know. Yeah, take a picture for the Instagram. We're going to post all of our pictures.
Eric:Oh, I realize I can't turn the lamp off because that effectively turns the computer screen off, because it's made of paper.
Matt:Right, yes, this is a nice ceiling lamp, actually the catarp oh.
Eric:I like that it's got the, the, the fixed dome around because that that light in that position in a room. Let me tell you what I call this kind of light. Tell me stress light, stress, overhead, overhead light, but it's. It's not like fluorescent this is great because normally those kind of lights they have like the, they'll have like the bottom, like plate kind of thing but, then raw bulbs coming out the sides hate that. Oh yeah, I don't like a raw, I don't like an unprotected bulb, it it.
Matt:But that's good to know, for as we're looking at designs, oh we might, oh yeah oh damn, I just armed you to the teeth, all right, so let's move on from that wonderful room. That was a good, good room.
Eric:This one, low-key, stresses me out.
Matt:Now the TV says Pentflix Danger Spring. This is very legally distinct.
Eric:In the strength of things, fun. I love this. Oh. Episode description. Episode season one episode one the Longest Summer. Season one episode one the Longest Summer. Chris's summer break has hit a snag as his recent car accident and subsequent lack of means of conveyance has forced him to take on a summer job. His choice of profession Octopus hunting, of course this was written by an AI.
Matt:How do you feel about so we were just talking about naked bulls how do you feel about these that are barely obscured? So this is doing two things.
Eric:Thing number one it is not actually hiding the exposed bulb for me, so I'm still getting hit with all the exposed bulbs. But two, it is reducing the amount of light that that raw bulb. So I'm getting the worst of both worlds.
Matt:It's style over substance.
Eric as Werner Herzog:I think we can agree, style over substance and it's not very stylish.
Matt:No, no, no, no, stylish, or should they? Okay, so here we're getting some chairs, we're getting some chairs, chairs. So what was it called again? The Molab, the Morabo.
Eric:Morabo and it's like $800. $800 chair.
Matt:Do you think they have it in a? Glass case somewhere it's 800 bucks, we don't know let's dead bow, okay.
Eric:164 390 399 for what?
Matt:for which of I think, oh is this one?
Eric:it's this'm sorry $400 for a chair that would not even meet my mid-lower back.
Matt:Eric, it's an accent chair. First of all, what? Whose accent A. Rothschild I think actually the room's. It's the accent of the room, yeah, but like I'm not defending the chair, I don't like it necessarily. It shouldn't be $400. It's a sad chair. I could see $250.
Eric:Are we haggling with Ikea? $250 is like I can give you a $250. I can give you a $250. This is a leather ottoman. Now see this looks more like a $400 chair to me. Well, yes, absolutely, because you even get a stool. It's temporarily unavailable.
Matt:This is an alibi. It's an alibi. How does the alibi feel? Oh, now, keep in mind that footrest, that is not going to be included. Oh, that is separate, ooh 100% it's got something to do with it.
Eric:Man, if it came. The footrest is very comfy. The chair is good. I like that. I can rock in it. I love a chair I can rock in. Yeah, it does rock.
Matt:Look at that Rock the boat, baby.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Yeah.
Eric:Rock the kids. Get a hit of this. Get a hit of this. Should I? Yeah, all right, I'll sit in whatever, this is Okay.
Matt:I don't feel think I could do tv watching in this. Can it lock? Oh it can't lock. Oh it can lock, no it can't. I don't know what the function of the is. This must be showroom broken.
Eric:It's been worn in by many showroom stretch marks on it.
Matt:Yeah, I don't feel at ease in this chair.
Eric:You don't look at you, you look like you were holding on by a thread.
Matt:I'll tell you what I feel like. I feel like I'm the guy in the Maxwell commercial. Oh, with the speakers getting blasted back. Yeah, that's how I feel in this. I hate it. Let's move on. That's my chair. And then it has the small mini one.
Eric:This is oh, look at, Matt, can you get my picture in this little chair? You can't sit in this chair, I don't want to hurt it.
Matt:You're going to hurt it. Eric, I'm not going to hurt it. Yes you are? You're a giant man. Let me see if there's any warning, let's see. Let's see. What do you mean?
Eric:if there's any warning, well, because, like it's structural physics at a certain point.
Matt:I'm taking a picture of you examining this chair, because it is the most ridiculous image I want you to look at yourself. Don't do it. I want to send this to yourself. I know you do, but like I know, I can't. If that's the reason we get kicked out.
Eric:You'll be so mad at me. Come to the emergency exit. Okay, yeah, we're at the emergency exit now.
Matt:If that's the reason we get kicked out of the store, and not that we're blatantly wearing microphones.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Okay.
Matt:Can you imagine what ah-hoo to you?
Eric:You would be so pissed and it would be the funniest thing to ever happen. All right, let's move on. I borderline want to grab an employee and ask him about this.
Matt:Stop talking to me, eric, look at these koala bears, these koala bears holding. I've forgotten everything I was talking about. He comes with a baby koala bear tied to him.
Eric:Do they now? Do they separate? Okay, they do. You can separate, you can separate, God. That's kind of fucked up. They put that in the hands of the kid. The kid has to be the one to decide if they're separated. Take a child from its mother.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Now that chair I would break that chair.
Eric:It's the men in black chair.
Matt:Oh my god, it is it even has a retractable roof.
Eric:You can just turn the baby off. You just put that baby away.
Matt:He's coming in like nope, that's the function of that.
Eric:Yes, I want to forget about these responsibilities. I feel like I will break everything in this room. Uh, this, but it's all like it's. This is like yeah, yeah, yeah, and you can like stick all kinds of things.
Matt:Recycle in every room, make recycling easy in every room. That's not really so much a description, as it is repeating the same thing. Okay, okay, now this couch looks like ass this couch this is a frighten and it's nine hundred dollars. I'll answer the question about the frighten right now, this is no.
Eric:This is a couch made to impress children like you, get this for your kids room and they think they're on, they think you're rich. Why? Because it's got pull out bed. Yeah, because, yeah, also, no, kids don't have. Remember I was talking about standards earlier. I remember Kids don't have them yet they don't know that that's an armchair.
Matt:I feel like these are the armchairs and I don't see a Malabo.
Eric as Werner Herzog:I don't see a.
Matt:Malabo. Should we ask oh search products here? We go, thank God, search products, okay, so search, so search. And what is?
Eric as Werner Herzog:it M-O-R.
Matt:M-O-R A-B-O Marabo sofa. Marabo, just Marabo, marabo. Let's see what's in the collection. Okay, so these are the sofas.
Eric:But let's see, oh Marabo armchair, New Okay here it is oh, previous $7.99.
Matt:Now it's $5.99. A few left. This is the Marabo. Okay, so now I know what it looks like.
Eric:Is that upholstered? Oh, is that leather?
Matt:It does look leather that's going to be down for us. Oh, is it over there? Oh, thank you, dude, thank you so much Thanks, man. I appreciate you.
Eric:We went right by it.
Eric as Werner Herzog:We just had the most helpful Ikea worker.
Matt:I've nowhere just swooped in Tell you what. He was. Far enough away. I don't think we have to out ourselves yet. No, no, no, no, no. I don't see the chair.
Eric:Are you guys looking for a marabba? But I feel like this is representative of the chair.
Matt:No, let's have a seat. It is 11. Oh, okay, it is $12.49.
Eric:It's got a very. It goes well with my corduroy it does. It is kind of it's a very retro vibe to this chair.
Matt:I was just going to say it feels very like Mad Men. Yes, it feels very like I'm in the waiting room to see an ad executive.
Eric:And we are in the process of killing the American dream.
Matt:Yes, Now it executive and we're like we're in the process of killing the American dream. Yeah, now it isn't exclusively leather, because those are not leather, those sofas, and is that also a Miraba?
Eric:Yes, this whole section is.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Miraba, can you hear the man? Oh, yeah, okay, okay.
Eric:It is, I will say the, the, the, the feel of leather is very soft.
Matt:Yeah, Supple, I'm not getting $800 of value from this. If I'm sitting in a chair, it's not very. I'll say this it looks nice and I would 100% put this in the office waiting room. I'm not very comfortable.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Yeah.
Matt:Yeah.
Eric:That concerns me. It's a very, that is, a primo waiting room chair.
Matt:Yes, yes, Psychiatrist's waiting room. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Okay.
Matt:All right. So there we go. I'd say for so it's not worth $800, but now.
Eric:But now you get for $600. It's $600. $599. So how do you feel about $600?
Matt:I mean, if I was a psychiatrist, For the purposes of, like a waiting room, yeah, or a lobby.
Eric:Yeah for sure.
Matt:Sure, it's about what your needs are, and I think ikea recognizes that if I sat in that in a hilton lobby, I wouldn't think to myself this is like yeah no, I would. I would just yeah, you know, assume whatever what I just catalog sure yeah, and then I'd move on, but I wouldn't watch TV.
Eric:In it like doing like that, like the family stuff, like you know what I mean. That's good.
Matt:Now this, this is my speed this is okay, this is absolutely yours floor to ceiling bookshelves wrap around the whole room oh, these are the Billy bookcases these are Billy bookcases.
Eric:They are very nice now billy entry-level ikea.
Matt:We can agree entry-level. Entry-level ikea college actually quite familiar with their bookcases? Of course you are, but look at this. They what they've done in this corner, billy. Yeah, they have put this stylish mask with an overhang. I'm going to take a picture. It's a Buddha. It is, yes, it's a Buddha mask. Slash head and they've given it a little museum touch light.
Eric:It's got the little spotlight, it looks very, very nice.
Matt:I feel like an aristocrat in here. What are the books? A lot of these are by Peter Hontke, who we know and love as a playwright, and dramatist.
Eric:There's one book over and over, though. It's Ib Ib Michael, ib Michael Prince. Ah, my turn. Yes, read Sankar Dumate Hanfraga miket mirt, medan hak plokar aj hap. And also with you, they went to IHOP. Oh, they does say IHOP.
Matt:Very good. It straight up says IHOP. Very funny. Now look at this light that isn't on or operable. This is the Novelinge. Would you pay $35?
Eric:$35? Amazing.
Matt:I'd just get a ring light Tell you what it's growing on me as I fuck with it.
Eric:Yeah, I feel like I'd be knocking this over constantly. You know what?
Matt:it's giving airplane overhead light vibes to me, yes. So yeah, you love that room. I do love that room.
Eric:That room feels like, to me feels like the office.
Matt:You love that room. I do love that that room set. It was made for me.
Eric:That room feels like to me, feels like the office you sit in the Marabo to get into Now, eric here we have the LAC for $12.99.
Matt:Oh, there it is. It used to be $14.99. Now they reduced it and I swear that's been up. When we were in college it was $6. I swear to God.
Eric:Inflation, man Inflation, we're all feeling it. Oh, end tables and stuff, coffee tables and I have such an odd relationship. Ooh, okay, so the Stockholm coffee table, see here's.
Matt:This is why this is the Stockholm coffee table.
Eric:There are two brains that live inside me with coffee tables. One brain is like I want an aesthetically pleasing coffee table, which this is yes. But the other brain in me is can I play dnd at this coffee table?
Matt:critical, really, yeah god you would play. Now we we've briefly talked about this, irl yeah, I haven't played dnd and we gotta fix that the proper way. When I was in scouts we would play like somebody was on a pad and we'd play like talking out loud on a car ride and I was usually the DM. But then one day it seems like all my friends suddenly have been playing D&D for years. I was left behind, eric, it's definitely up my alley, but I'm afraid I'd be embarrassed. Oh, you'd rule at it.
Matt:Well, I'm afraid I'd bring down the party you know what I mean Like you're having a good time with all your friends, your whole party, and then I'm there not knowing what to do. So I'm confessing this to our listeners now, even though we've had this conversation. But you say you would welcome me.
Eric:Oh my God, I would DM for you any day of the fucking week. I'm down.
Matt:But again, I don't want to bring down your party, your campaign.
Eric:And so you'd play on a coffee table. So my ideal is that doesn't feel ideal for me my ideal setup for a D&D session. I don't mind doing kitchen table D&D, it's the easiest for getting everyone stuff. But I like the living room coffee table because most of my players have their notebooks, they have their laptops and stuff A lot of our stuff. My games tend to be much more um, narrative heavy, not like, not as much combat as you're as you typically see in dnd. So like I like the coffee table set up with me in like a big, like easy chair or something, so I can get up and I can act things out and I can paint, I can weave the web and then the coffee. I don't know, I don't know what's right and what's then the coffee table is just there.
Matt:Well, I'm learning. I don't know. I don't know what's right and what's wrong.
Eric:The coffee table is just there for my battle mats, so like when we have to move the little guy and then I get to stand up and move things around, so where would I go?
Matt:Okay, so here's here. Where am I sitting, if we're playing D&D at, I was like. I don't think we can and Lindsay, I just want to ping my wife real quick. This could work in our living room. Honestly, it's a very yeah, the Stockholm. You know the one with the windows. Yeah, the Stockholm, check it out. Give it a Google, lindsay.
Eric:It's nice. It's a nice because it's a long room. I feel it was very long. It's a long room coffee table.
Matt:Ooh, now, now we're talking this is nice, it's got trophies. I am a sucker for good wallpaper.
Eric:Are you really?
Matt:Yeah, you like wallpaper For good wallpaper. You like wallpaper.
Eric:I like wallpaper. Period In general oh yeah, why Gives my eyes something to do? What do you mean? What does that mean? Look at all the stuff I can look at. This is very nice.
Eric as Werner Herzog:We made that guy laugh.
Eric:Did we.
Eric as Werner Herzog:High five.
Matt:When I hit you with the Y, you laugh.
Eric:It's the little moments that count. We got to get in a room set to celebrate when we have a successful in-person bit.
Matt:Now this is a TV storage combination called the Havsta. The Havsta I Havsta have it.
Eric as Werner Herzog:That's how they named that one.
Matt:That's what I was going to do you bit student, so this is nice. Now they have a board game here called Vaga V-A-G-A, the game that dares you to do it, or else, yo, I'm sorry, pop it open. Yeah, why not Fake? We have a fake PS4.
Eric:That's all the information they give us.
Matt:To be fair, it did. Dare you to do it? It's empty. Yeah, naturally.
Eric:I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know what you expected, but it is empty, oh, and there is just straight up a PS4. Yeah, no cute, I mean, it's an empty shell, it's an empty shell.
Matt:Now I want to point out something very important about this room, eric. Yeah, although it is an undisclosed location and no one can prove that we're not in, say, virginia or some other state there is a Maryland flag.
Eric:on the wall of this room set there is a Maryland flag waving proudly Proudly I.
Matt:There is a Maryland flag on the wall of this room set Waving proudly Proudly. I can't imagine that's standard in all Ikeas, but it is in this one.
Eric:Oh, there is a name. I actually do really like this wallpaper. You know what? Eric?
Matt:I'll say this this is a little bit your vibe, this wallpaper.
Eric:Yeah, it's got plants, it's got plants.
Matt:It does have character, but I don't feel like it's the right color for you. No, I do wish this was like, let me say something, let me say a color. Yeah, what if it had the same design, but light pink background, rose gold background.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Ooh.
Matt:How do you feel about that? And while you contemplate it, I'm going to take a picture of you contemplating it so that people can see the wallpaper we're talking about.
Eric:I don't, it might be too bright. I like a darker wallpaper. Okay, I like earth tones. That's my thing. These are very cool tones. I like the gold. I do like this. Let me hit you with this. I actually would not be opposed to that pink gold kind of like for the flowers and such Like if you could give me that pink, gold and like a green like an earthier.
Matt:Where this is gold, we swap the gold with the rose gold, yeah, and then the back is maybe even this same color, maybe a little bit darker. Maybe a little bit darker Like a navy blue.
Eric:I think that'd be sick.
Matt:A deep navy, deep navy, I could see you reading in a room like this yeah, yeah, picture it now. It's not my vibe. Now I will say I don't. This is a difference of design opinion, but I don't think I hate it.
Eric:I don't think you're here. I love your kk slider tattoo. That's awesome. Well, that is. That is. That's great, yeah.
Matt:There you go there, you go. Shall we move on from the stream side? Yeah, yeah, yeah, how do you?
Eric:feel about the strip lights, love strip lights. They've been applied a little sloppily here.
Matt:I shouldn't be able to see the strip. You shouldn't be able to see them. That's the magic. Like you've got to be like took, you got to be like took.
Eric as Werner Herzog:So I get that ambient glow.
Matt:Now this has interesting labels on its boxes Ethiopia travel photos, Ginger's vet records. So we know Ginger is the pets and a framed image of the words a happy life.
Eric:In what appears to be a legally distinct Times New Roman vote.
Matt:They couldn't find any picture that evoked a happy life.
Eric:The guy at the stock image place misunderstood the assignment, I am guessing, though I do love the tail that's being woven here, because there is an orange cat in this picture that I can only assume is the ginger. And then you have saved vet articles.
Matt:Very narrative. This is what a set design this is whoever, whoever they have, they've been to ethiopia.
Eric:They have quite a life. I love to know what's going on. That miscellaneous, miscellaneous file. Not much here, oh, but we are in bookcase land we are entering the bookcase land now.
Matt:This is okay. So this is a whole section of billies. Yes, but billies now have many different door options. Yes, glass doors, closed doors, frosted doors. They have found a way to elevate the billy a little bit, but that doesn't for me. That doesn't bring it at an entry level. I'd say getting the door is dressing up an entry level.
Eric:And at that point just get something better.
Matt:Just get a better IKEA bookshelf. They have them, but see this Billy in blue with the doors.
Eric:This blue should be the blue of the wallpaper.
Matt:Yes, I agree with you. This is a good deep blue.
Eric:This kind of like blue gold contrast. Delicious Got to be.
Matt:Got to be, Got to be. Now we are heading up to the ever popular calyx section.
Eric:Everybody knows a calyx section.
Matt:Ah, you like blocks of wood. This is the one for you, the calyx. I think this is one of those Ikea items everybody knows.
Eric:If you like, cubbies boy, do I have the experience for you.
Matt:I cannot tell you about a cubby?
Eric:Oh cute, A little espresso cup, a little espresso cup.
Matt:This is what we'd look like with our IKEA 365. This doesn't have a fun name Cheers, cheers.
Eric:God, it's taking a little sip.
Matt:Look at these mini sofas. Is this what you were talking about? That you got for your cat?
Eric:No, no, no, no. It'll be in the show. If I see it, I'll show it to you. It's a doll's bed. It's like a foot and a half tall. That's not a doll's bed. No, this is a Barbie's bed. Well, it's a sofa, first of all, like a doll. Sorry, I'll correct you. All right, it's a Barbie sofa. How do you feel?
Matt:about the Bagabow bookshelf. This, this is 1990s Ikea. Yeah, what people who degrade Ikea think of when they think of Ikea Particle board yeah, like real cheap looking.
Eric:And I know that's why I'm excited they're starting to run their lines of bookshelves and stuff that are real wood. There they go, it's real wood, we cracked the coat. Fuck, yes, we're in a kitchen, we're mad. Now we're fucking talking, alright.
Matt:Eric, here we are. We just finished our romantic dinner. Yep, yep, we both got a glass of red wine, got that pinot green and we're doing dishes here in this wonderful sink. I gotta side by side this sink this is a lovely sink.
Eric:I actually am. I don't hate this thing. I I am wary of anything. The gamble oh, this feels like straight. I like this, so this is like porcelain.
Matt:Now, eric, you walk into a kitchen. Yeah, you see this sink. Yeah, you think Ikea, obviously no, no, not at all.
Eric as Werner Herzog:No.
Matt:That's my point.
Eric:And this is $250. That is not. That's an affordable basin oh yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, and you get the, so you get these cabinets are bad. The sink's training was awkward and the apron front double sink. Are we going to get a place together, are we? We would eat each other alive within 10 days. It would be bad, it would be bad it would not work
Eric:out, and that's how I know we're bestest friends, though, is because we know each other well enough and trust each other to have this conversation. We have this conversation, and then we walk away. And we walk away. We're like, look, we don't need to get hung up on the why, we just need to know that it won't.
Matt:All right, here's a charcuterie board, complete with someone else's notes, in which they've either drawn a rocket ship or a very, very medical, medical attention needed penis. I'm going with the latter, I think so. Or it's a rocket ship in the shape of a penis. Oh, you're adding to it. I'm gonna take a picture of you adding to it, so that'll be on there. Needs improvement. Yeah, I'm here. I'm gonna grade it B plus.
Eric:B plus. Okay, b plus is the, I'd say B minus is the. Needs improvement. If you hear needs improvement, in my brain I hear B minus.
Matt:Well, I gave it a B plus. You said a needs improvement. So together our amalgamation has higher standards. B plus is not enough, still needs improvement.
Eric:Still needs improvement. B minus is unsatisfactory.
Matt:This kitchen stresses me. This feels like I'm on the set of Desperate Housewives.
Eric:Yes, you know what it is. I cannot stand this. It's the realtor gray. It's the gray that everything, like all of the cabinetry in here, is that gray color that everyone paints everything because it's got to look neutral, to appeal to as many people. One hundo, I agree with you implicitly. If these were a different color, it'd be great.
Eric:Counter to look neutral. To appeal to his one hundo. I agree with you implicitly. If these were a different color, it'd be great. Countertops are nice. Countertops are nice. Just a fake marble. Yeah, it's the for the cosco solid. Oh, it's quartz. Okay, that's quartz though.
Matt:Yeah, it's still legit, it's just yeah well, quartz is basically yeah, but let me tell you something the desk that I do our show on is an Ikea countertop that I've put on top of bookshelves. Hashtag Ikea hack Huh.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Yeah.
Matt:If I see the countertop.
Eric:Oh, that's definitely a thing, isn't it?
Matt:Ikea hacks. That's got to be a huge thing.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Huge subreddit too, you should check out Ikea hacks. Oh okay.
Matt:Okay, ooh, a little ring light over the stone.
Eric:I do love a good splash, but is this a good?
Matt:splash. No, it's not. Lindsay and I are going to be putting in a backsplash. It's not going to be this one. I'll say that right off the bat.
Eric:Yeah, yeah, like this Problem again with the dull gray color, the bummer color. This pink is my nightmare. This is the last notch before salmon. Ooh, yeah.
Matt:Now what about this kitchen across the way with a bamboo?
Eric:wall. These colors are perfect for me, really.
Eric as Werner Herzog:I love this kind of sage.
Eric:I don't see you in this kitchen. The handles, though, are killing me. I'll tell you what. I do not see you in this kitchen. Do you not see me in this kitchen? Do you not see me in this kitchen? No, I see me with this. I want a wall like this, with all my gadgets.
Matt:You want a wall of industrial shelving. Oh, In your home or in your small cafe you're going to be stuck Like this.
Eric:It doesn't have to be easy access for everything.
Matt:Well, you do need things in front of you.
Eric:Yes, I need to be able to see them.
Matt:This is nice, this is working for me. It'd be too much wood for Lindsay, I'll tell you right now, but I think with a better backsplash she'd like this.
Eric:The better backsplash. Oh yeah, this is a weird backsplash.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Because, I look at this and I think is this wallpaper? Yeah, it doesn't feel right, but ooh lash.
Matt:Ooh, ooh, yes, the handle's even working for me a little bit. Oh, I do love the hardware on these. The hardware is nice. Okay, oh, my God, I like the spatula, eric the hold hat that Rich color they even put.
Eric:They put the here. Let me get a picture of you cooking meatballs.
Matt:Perfect. Now this is a shortcut to the mirror department. We're not going to use that.
Eric:I'm not ready to face that yet. No, no, no Ooh here's a lookup.
Matt:Ooh, a symphony of sinks. A symphony of sinks. This is the sink section. Would you get an appliance from IKEA? I don't think I would, and I love Ikea. I might get a toaster from Ikea. Well sure, I mean, that's not. Is that really an?
Eric:appliance but like would I get a microwave from Ikea? Probably not. I don't know. Would I get an oven from Ikea? Definitely not.
Matt:Goodness, no, Now take a look at this shower. We're in the shower now. Do you like this hardware on the shower head? I don't, oh that's so.
Eric:no, that stresses me out because I can't tell immediately which way I'm supposed to turn it based purely on looking at it. I feel like I'm in a New York City hotel. I don't mind this mirror. I like that it's up against the wall but doesn't give you a lot of maneuvering. But I do like oh, I love a little under shelf. That's really stylish.
Eric as Werner Herzog:That is.
Eric:That's where, like, my shaving stuff goes. Ooh, how about a question? Yeah, I was just about to say that here.
Matt:Well, we should find a room set.
Eric:Let's find a. Do we want to find like a nice little kitchen, Like it's's like the morning after and we're having the coffee thing?
Matt:Well, now we're into the kitchen table areas. Here, let's sit down at the Melta.
Matt:We'll sit down at the melt raw, sorry, the melt or melt, or this chair feels like I'm gonna destroy it. The second I also feel a little like we're doing. You know what I feel like with this light, which is a melody, mellow die. It feels to me like we're about to film one of those lie detector videos. You know which maybe we should do. That's a good segment, lie detector video. Oh my God, I used to daydream that my masochistically, that my theater company rest in peace, single Care Theater, masochistically, that my theater company rest in peace, single care theater. We as the ensemble would do one of those lie detector videos, because I think it'd be pure chaos.
Eric:It'd be absolutely a group that tight-knit, you know it'd wreak havoc this music sounds like I'm like this is some my sister's keeper music. This is some like hallmark, like I'm about to tell you that your love interest is not gonna make it maybe is like giving up on stuff, like she's giving up on life yeah, I get that.
Matt:It feels a little like I'm listening, I'm reading zelda's speech in a zelda game is what it feels like the blood moon is rising.
Eric:The blood moon rises once again did I tell you what I? If you ever want a different experience I did this very early on switch the spoken language in the game to japanese with english subtitles. It's like you're watching the greatest anime of all time.
Eric:I think I'm more like let's have a question uh so here's a good a question for a question when answering or asking any. Have a question? So here's a good one. A question for a question when answering or asking any employees a question, or admiring something. Will you Werner Herzog it? Now, this music is kind of like that. This is good. This is good.
Matt:We have to go admire something.
Eric:Yeah, let's go admire something.
Matt:How's your Werner Herzog? We're about to find out. Oh, hold on, we can search for that. Oh, we can do an item lookup, Okay. So before we do the Werner Herzog, it's Scruffby there. It is Scruffby Scruffby. Oh shit, it's a bookcase. We pass bookcases.
Eric:It is, it's a cabinet. It's a cabinet. They do have a book.
Matt:I think we have to go back to the cabinets Hold on so Scruffy. What's the other one?
Eric:So Famnig F-A-M-N-I-G.
Matt:Oh, it's a heart cushion.
Eric:Oh, it's a heart. Oh, to which celebrity would I gift the Famnig Kyokta? Okay, well we can answer that. We can answer that right now. Who would I give this adorable little heart cushion to Emma Stone? Emma Stone, hmm, why.
Matt:I don't know. Seems like her vibe.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Seems like her vibe.
Matt:To be fair to everyone at home. It is a heart with arms.
Eric:Yeah, it looks like it's going to embrace you. I would give mine to Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton, do you think she'd appreciate it? I think she'd get a giggle out of it. Nice, yeah, I'm still here. It's one of those things. She'd laugh at it, toss it somewhere. And, yeah, I'm still here. It's one of those things you like laugh at it, toss it somewhere and then realize it's good for a very specific purpose.
Matt:Like it's like a good yoga, like a meditation cushion or something like that. Oh, like a lumbar pillow. She's like oh, I can't live without this thing. Oh, I wonder if it's a good lumbar pillow. If we run into it, I'm going to use it, Okay.
Eric:We'll find out.
Matt:Yep, it's a play tunnel.
Eric:Oh, okay, that's creative uses for the.
Matt:Oh, cat Toy, Cat Toy. That's probably right at the beginning, but Cat Toy is good and was there anything else we needed to look up?
Eric:No, it was the Marabo and we found it. Yes, Okay.
Matt:All right, so now we need to find something to admire, and Werner Herzog it. Okay, here we go, but we need an audience for it. Or you Okay, here we go, but we need an audience for it. Okay, go for it, you do yours.
Eric as Werner Herzog:I'll pull mine out. This is the running extendable table. Look where the family sits and see that it is empty. Know that the plates will never be filled with food.
Matt:You will never hear. This is not for a heard song.
Eric as Werner Herzog:You will never hear the sound of laughter.
Matt:What even accent?
Eric:are you trying to do? I don't Werner Herzog. He gets his own accent. Let me hear yours.
Matt:You're sober. I never said it was great, but first of all, I think you need to go and find it in the back of the throat a little bit.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Oh yeah, I think.
Matt:Look, Because he I'm thinking about when he talks about the penguins, the penguin, these penguins who walk, traveling far into the frozen desert to experience his last waking breath cold and alone.
Eric:Do you know what I realized I was doing? It's because you've seen Highlander, the movie or the TV show. The movie Highlander, oh my.
Matt:God, if you ask me about the TV show, the answer would also be no.
Eric:The main character for the movie. He talks like he has this weird like because he's got like this amalgamation of accents from over the centuries. You know who you're doing right now Christoph Waltz. I am doing Christoph Waltz, but like he's got a little bit of that like back of the throat like nasally this. You know what's a good Werner?
Matt:Herzog phrase to hook onto these days From the Mandalorian the I would like to seize the baby. I would like to seize the baby. Take a look at these cookies, eric. Oh my God.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Gingerbread, cookies, cafferup.
Eric:Rememberable moments with laughter and cookies. How?
Matt:much do you use Eight and a? Half I was told to keep my head on a swivel for princess cakes, whatever those are, I think those might be towards the end, but yeah, oh, do we need to go back to look at those cabinets?
Eric:Oh, we got to look out for Juniper's question how many Furbies could we fit in a scrubbie, which is a fun sentence to say how long do you think this episode is going to end up being?
Matt:Oh, like three hours, okay.
Eric:Oh my Holy shit, I am edge of my seat. Talk about a cliffhanger Edge of my fucking seat. How do they do it, folks?
Matt:here's the question that I think we're all asking. At first, it was who shot jr. You thought that a reference from the 1970s and 80s was the biggest cliffhanger of all time. No, no, no, it is now. Where is the scrubby? Where is the scrumby? Will we ever find it? Eric fucked it up right here in this hashtag scrumby gate.
Eric:It's not. Maybe it's the mandela effect it's not it's not.
Matt:We say it like a hundred thousand times over the course of these two episodes. Yeah, in that reality. Listen, that's it for part one. Part two again, is coming out next week on the Thursday, just as you would expect, and then episode 90 the week after that. So come back here, may 2nd, 89.5. Then the week after that, episode 90 on May 9th, just as you would expect, where we will talk about I don't know, we actually need to figure that episode out right now.
Matt:Yeah, we're going to go do that. We're going to go do that and you, dear listener, are going to come back here next week. You're going to come crawling Crawling on back and you, dear listener, are going to come back here next week. You're going to come crawling Crawling on back. Now, eric, I guess we do, because the play out that we normally do is actually at the end of part two when we record it. So real quick, lightning speed. We do need those questions from you folks, so send them to us. You didn't ask for this Gmailcom, that's all spelled out. Or you didn't ask pod. That's the letter. You didn't ask pod on Instagram, twitter, facebook, wherever the fuck. And we'll get the questions, we'll put them in the show. You'll hear your name and you'll be like oh my God, I'm like a celebrity. What too much?
Eric as Werner Herzog:Yeah, no that's perfect, that's great, great.
Matt:So then, you're really going to be taken by surprise, poach, because the next thing I'm going to say is well, that'll about do it for all of us here. You didn't ask for this. My name is Matt Shea. My name's Eric Poach. And listen, you didn't ask.
Eric as Werner Herzog:Sorry, eric, can you repeat that?
Eric:Oh, yeah, sure, I said Eric, eric, are you gonna tell us what the fuck that means? I don't know what to say. I think it's pretty clear. You know, two plus two is four, water is wet and it means I don't know what to do with my emotions or my meatballs.
Matt:All right, come on back next week, everybody, see you then, bye, bye.