Grief and Connection with Ainsley Hamill

An artist who moves people with their craft is such an inspiring and gifted way to live.  How has Ainsley developed the depth to her music and to her way of living?  Today we are going to be talking about the time Ainsley spent with her grandmother and the role that her family has had in her choices and way of living.  As we talk about grief, and the process of moving through it, we expand to the connection of life that is created by our ability to love and to let go of our loved ones. 

At the Cape Breton Tea Company our tea is created to provide transitional moments for people as they sip the tea.  Grief can be supported by such herbs as lavender, chamomile, rose, valerian, lemon balm, motherwort, hawthorn.  Our intention is important to how we want to transition ourselves into growth and inspiration because of our ability to love and be loved.  

I chose our blend, from the Harmony Blends collection, Island VitaliTEA – “Be inspired by the power of nature that surrounds you, rest and release into healing.”  This blend includes cham

Each episode of the Be Well with Dr. Michelle Greenwell podcast includes the BioEnergetic Wellness Formula.  That means that you have the opportunity to have a healing session while you listen based on the way the content is laid out and the activities we participate in.  Before listening you can create a goal or an intention of where you would like to be heading with an activity or in your life, then make your cup of tea, engage in the activities and celebrate at the end. 

Are you looking for more resources?  The best way to find all the resources in one location is by visiting https://linktr.ee/greenwellcenter.  Become a regular listener of the podcast and purchase your own tea blends to assist you in transformation while you listen.  Our podcast is designed to bring balance and flow to your day, week, month, and year.  Thanks for sharing us with others who could also benefit.  Please send us your feedback and a review. 

The Cape Breton Tea Company
Celebrating the tastes and smells found on Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia, Canada through herbs.

The Greenwell Center for Holistic Health
Harmonizing daily habits for wellbeing through sessions in dance, tai chi, healing arts, and tea

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:27

Today I have the privilege of introducing you to a beautiful person and performer. I'm laughing because the sunbeam is getting brighter as I'm going to say this. Ainsley Hamill is a recording artist, writer and dancer who comes from Scotland, and her touring has taken her around the world enjoying the stage with many other artists and her bandmates. For this podcast, I'm introducing you to the way she makes people feel with her music, as we dive into a personal and inspiring story of Ainsley and her grandmother. And these are some words that people have said about Ainsley's music. Her voice is rich and warm, soaking its comforting balm deep All the Hamill hallmarks of a soulful, acute vocal dexterity with real feel for a lyric. Ainsley's voice is muscular and undeniably flexible. It can be sultry or exuberant, but also percussive. It wraps you in its arms like a coat from the cold. And this release is like a shining pool of water vivid, clear and nothing short of brilliant. And this is in regards to Belle of the Ball, and that was Clive Pounceby Folk Northwest. And then we have I'm reminded of Nina Simone's haunting version of when I Was in my Prime. The effect is absolutely breathtaking. This is an exciting, ingenious and highly original debut, and this is about not just shipland from folk London. Ainsley Hamill doesn't put a foot wrong on Bella the Ball, her debut solo release, a super vocal, nuanced and passionate. And that's Mark Higgins from Fatay magazine. I hope I've said that correctly. Ainsley Hamill's sterling voice could compete with anyone at Celtic Connections. And that's Pat Byrne, the voice of Ireland. Hamill's refreshingly soulful voice, a mixture of Julie Fowlis and Heather Small, is very much to the fore. Alan Wilkinson of North Sky Magazine. It's just so beautiful the way that they've tried to capture your voice, Ainsley. It's so beautiful I've got one more, so we've got it goes a long way to explaining why she's considered one of the best of her generation.

Speaker 1: 2:43

Belle of the Ball and that was R&R Magazine. So an artist moves people with their craft and it's an inspiring and gifted way to live. And how has Ainsley developed the depth of her music and her way of living? So today we're going to be talking about the time Ainsley has spent with her grandmother and the role that her family has had in the choices and her way of living. And as we talk about grief and the process of moving through it, we expand to the connection of life that is created by our ability to love and to let go of our loved ones. As you listen, today we offer. Please be gentle with yourself. Consider the gifts of knowing and growing that our loved ones offer with their connection, and make sure you have a cup of tea ready today. And I would love to introduce you now to Ainsley Hamill. Welcome, Ainsley.

Speaker 2: 3:37

Oh wow, that was so nice. I'm like listen to it. I'm like who is that she's talking about?

Speaker 1: 3:42

she sounds good aren't we our best critic right?

Speaker 2: 3:50

absolutely, absolutely. You know it's. It's really nice to hear, um, you know, all those reviews because obviously, like you know, for like gigs and things, you put a document together it says all those those things we don't read it. You know, like, you put it together then you forget about it forever, you know.

Speaker 1: 4:10

So that was a lovely introduction yeah, well, I just love the descriptive pieces and the depth of the quality, like what people really get from your voice and the way that you put your music together and that just that's just so moving. And people often ask me, well, what's the fastest way to heal? And when I say, if somebody's a musician and they can play that piece of music, it's just so beautiful when it has depth and quality and you can carry yourself through the different notes and bring yourself from a deep C down in your root and you can pull yourself up to an A and that's going to bring you out into intuitive thoughts and making new decisions and it's just so beautiful. So I felt the depth of of what you have within your music just really lends itself to the way we're going to be able to bring this conversation around yeah, oh no, I love that.

Speaker 2: 5:07

Yeah, music's so important. You know, and I know for myself like I can very easily lose myself in it. You know writing a song, or you know sitting down at the piano, even playing random things. You, you all of a sudden think, oh god, I've been here for two hours and it seems like 10 minutes. You know so, you. So you're right, it's so important.

Speaker 1: 5:30

And you sit down too. Sometimes you know it's like I don't know if I really want to work on this today or I'm having trouble getting that set of lyrics to jive the way I want. And, like you said, you get into that groove of it and you get in there and when you step up, that angst and that blockage and that feeling like you can't is completely gone and you're transformed and what else do you want to do next?

Speaker 2: 5:55

A hundred percent. It's funny you say that because obviously I'm just past the stage of writing new material for my new album and I found it really hard this time round to write my own songs, and I don't know why. You know, I like obviously I've just recorded it. I'll start mixing it tomorrow.

Speaker 2: 6:17

Um, but I found something that works for me, you know, when I'm feeling very uninspired and thinking I can't do this just now. Um, you know, like that wee app I think it's called like guitar tab, you know, the one like where everybody refers to for like pop songs, like if I open that and any song that comes to mind, I pull up the chords and I sit at the piano and I play through it and it, you know, it could be absolutely anything from any genre, like anything that takes my fancy, and I find if I do that for a wee bit, then I think okay, right, cool, I've kind of got the will to carry on with the writing and doing what I actually need to do, do you know, whereas maybe years before I would have said to myself no you're not allowed to do anything else until you do this thing.

Speaker 2: 7:10

But it's counterintuitive, isn't it? You know, like sort of torturing yourself, Literally. The last thing that I sat down and played was, you know, the song from Willy Wonka.

Speaker 2: 7:25

You know that if you want to view paradise, you know it's the most beautiful song, you know, and all the words just resonate with me. And you know, I sat and played that for a wee bit and all of a sudden I was like, oh god, I feel so much better. You know, it's got no relevance to my actual practice or what I would perform, you know, but it got no relevance to my actual practice or what I would perform, do you know? But yeah, it doesn't happen, doesn't it?

Speaker 1: 7:53

it doesn't have to. No, no, it's perfect. Okay, before we get going, because I know you and I we could take off in our conversation. So what tea did you choose to bring to the conversation today?

Speaker 2: 8:08

well, before we started, I had told you I had a little bit of a we'll call it a tea mare, because I was I love a Lady Grey. But the box was empty. I don't know what. I was thinking putting an empty box back in the cupboard. I was thinking putting an empty box back in the cupboard, but instead I chose a turmeric with orange and star anise.

Speaker 1: 8:35

That took my fancy instead, and you know, star anise that one is for awakening dreams.

Speaker 1: 8:47

Is that right? Yes, and it's. I know that specifically because on the Harmony coasters which are sitting beside me, it's on one of the cards and I was looking at it yesterday or the day before. That's why I know it, because otherwise they kind of come and go, but it's actually in the Harmony coasters and yeah, and you know, you look at the star and that star, it has the openness within the petals and it feels like this opening piece. And so if you start to think about awakening dreams and you think about what, what are the spaces that I haven't been looking at because I've been so driven by the linear road that I need to be on, like you playing Willy Wonka and you know, diverging over into dreamland for a bit and then going okay, now I'm going to fulfill my dream, I'm going to finish writing. You know what does that mean and how can you take it? So, yeah, oh wow.

Speaker 2: 9:43

Well, that's, that's something that I've chosen, that you know, just by accident. I like that.

Speaker 1: 9:51

And what I chose today I wanted to share with the audience a little bit I was thinking about. Our conversation is going to be around grief and around loss, and so how can we be supported by some herbs? And so I looked at lavender, which lots of people will go to lavender and chamomile, there's rose, valerian, lemon, balm, motherwort and hawthorn. All of those are herbs that could be supportive in a time of grief. So choosing a tea that's got one of those in it would be fine, or a couple. So our intention today is to transition ourself into growth and inspiration because of the people that we've loved and because they've loved us, and so I wanted to choose a blend that would kind of bring that forward. So it's Island Vitality. So for the people listening on the podcast you can't see I'm just going to hold the piece up and it you said star anise for what you had. I have starfish on here, so same shape, but the starfish don't have the openings and the spaces that the star anise has. And I wanted to read the inspiration that's on the front, because all of the teas in the Cape Breton tea company have an intention on them, so they've already set people up for shifting and thinking about transition.

Speaker 1: 11:15

This one says be inspired by the power of nature that surrounds you, rest and release into healing. So you and I were just talking about being able to go for a walk after the winter and we actually now can get out and don't have to navigate ice and snow. So, thinking about where do we connect in nature? And it might be in the house, but also it might be in a walk outside. It might be just standing out on the porch, but being able to remind yourself that, because you're surrounded by nature, you have this opportunity to heal and to feel that peacefulness or rest that comes in. Yeah, so this blend has chamomile, hawthorn and rose in it and it has a host of other herbs plus green tea. Green tea is great because of the antioxidants to lift you up.

Speaker 1: 12:05

But I wanted to talk about chamomile because a lot of people will choose chamomile to calm the body, something good before bed. It actually balances the yin and yang energies, so those two energies have to always be in a partnership and you want to keep it balanced and it helps to lift up the heart chakra. So that center, knowing, heart, centered feeling that we're going to talk about today and what goes with chamomile is a phrase called a phrase, that is, I release all fears and I help others in need. So as I was thinking about the conversation today, I was inspired by the idea that the grief of our experience with love moves us. And then how do we move forward? We get to move forward by looking to help others as we work with our own grief. So I'm just going to plant the seed of that as we go on today, and then I would say thank you for joining. It's going to be a raw and revealing opportunity to talk about grief and connection. I know that, but thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 1: 13:12

Ainsley, I'm holding my tea glass up for those on the podcast. Please take a sip of tea. And I don't know if you can see the color in here. It's got a purpley kind of color to it. I'm sure yours is a yellow because you've got the turmeric in it.

Speaker 2: 13:25

It is.

Speaker 1: 13:29

It's probably going to stain absolutely everything it touches. That's okay. Yellow is sunshine and we keep um. We've had these billowing black clouds going by, and now we have blue sky, white clouds, and that sunbeam just keeps coming in. I just love it all right gorgeous.

Speaker 2: 13:44

Well, this tea's actually very nice.

Speaker 1: 13:46

I'm quite glad I chose this oh, and for those people listening and you'll be used to me with the podcasts I've done before and talking about herbs and tea but once you set your intention, it changes the flavor. So where you might have pulled it out of the cupboard to just drink it, it would have one taste. But we, we really set up the way we wanted to weave through the conversation and the outcome we hope for people to have, and that does change the way the tea is, which is really cool.

Speaker 2: 14:17

Well, I love that. That's actually really nice, gosh, I'm learning so much already. This is fabulous.

Speaker 1: 14:27

Oh, awesome. Okay, so let's dive into you and do you want to tell us a bit about your music and your career, just so the audience has a chance to get to know you a little bit, and then you can move from there to share a little bit about your grandmother and family and how they've played a role in the music yeah, I mean.

Speaker 2: 14:46

So I'm very much centered within Scottish traditional music and my first practice is my main practice, I should say is a vocalist within. You know, scots Gaelic, and well, not even both Scots, gaelic, scots and in my own self-penned songs, mostly in english, but some in gaelic as well, and, um, I've been doing it for a very long time, you know, since I always say it was my actually my piano teacher and rosemary wilson. She lives right up the back of Cardress at a farm and used to go round for my piano lessons and I must have at that point have said you know, I want to play the piano and I want to sing. So she very much encouraged that know, and at the summer concerts that were fabulous, she used to make the most amazing baking and all the students had to play. You know what they'd been learning to all the parents. And I used to sing and that's how I got my first.

Speaker 2: 16:01

Well, technically that was my first gig, but then I got asked to do, you know, the ceilings in the village and then from there in the surrounding towns, you know, helmsborough, dumbarton, clydebank, glasgow, and it goes on and on and on. And I actually remember I actually wanted to be a dancer. My mum I'm a dancer now, right enough, with step dancing, but I thought it was going to be some sort of like prima ballerina type thing and, um, my mum said, listen, nobody's coming to the door to get you to dance, are they? They're coming to get you to sing. So does that not tell you something? And I remember thinking, oh, and she's got a point. So then you know, it kind of carried on from there.

Speaker 2: 16:49

I did dancing from when I was very young as well. So that was with Alison Saunders from Cardress, the village that I'm from. She very much influenced my performance style and being very confident and not being afraid to stand up and perform, you know, and then you know from doing all these ceilings, it was evident that I really wanted to do traditional music and after getting a wee bit of Gaelic at school and being in the Gaelic choir, et cetera, I thought this is for me, this is it, this is what I want to do. So I carried on and did the Scottish music course at the Royal Conservatoire of scotland in glasgow and there I met my band mates and barlouis was formed and we did a lot of really wonderful, wonderful gigs from a very young age and actually, when I look back, I think, oh god, we didn't appreciate that all at all at the time. You know all these amazing festivals I would absolutely love to do now, you know, and I needed to convince them, but I was doing them when I was like I don't know, 17 or something, which is mad, and you know from.

Speaker 2: 18:04

From there I went on to join Fourth Moon the band, and then take my solo career forward and doing lots and lots of projects along the way collaborations with some folk that I really admire, like other singers and musicians that I think are fabulous, and I feel very lucky to work with them, and I mean in terms of, you know, my family feeding into that. They have played a huge role in what I do, you know, because I think moving forward as a creative, you do need the support of those around you, because it's very taxing, particularly on your soul. You know, when you think, when everybody, every creative has it. I'm a goody nurse, can I do this? And that's the moments in which the closest people to you say, yeah, you can. So you've got to keep pushing on, do you know? And you know I'm I'm very thankful that my family has been like that, because I know actually a lot of very creative people that their family isn't like that. So they were maybe pushed down another road, you know, because they wanted them to have a more stable job, or they maybe thought they wouldn't be able to make it, or you know all these different aspects. But my dad, funnily enough, was not not quite a creative but, um, he's a footballer. So, you know, a kind of alternative career, you know, and um, he very much said you, if that's what you want to do, then that's what you'll do, type thing.

Speaker 2: 20:17

I've actually always been surrounded by very influential, strong-willed women, shall we say, and whether that be Mrs Wilson, the piano teacher, very much influenced my musical style, and from my aunties that I'm very close to, my Aunt Lorraine, my Aunt Katrina and my two grands. So then that only left my two grandpas and my Uncle Robert and my dad. So they were very much outnumbered by the women. You know, yeah and um, yeah, you know. So, um, unfortunately I've lost both my grandpas and my my uncle very young, during Covid, which you know was terrible. So the women overpower the men even more. So now, um, you know, it's just my dad and my husband Jack. So they're very much overpowered by the women. But you know, it wasn't until I was making my last album not just shit land, it's all about equality and you know, like feminism I guess, and you know I was probably inspired to write about all these inspiring women because I was surrounded by them and only at that point did I actually realise that.

Speaker 2: 21:57

And you know, my gran, my gran Ferguson, that has just recently passed away and was a huge support to me throughout my life, from being very young and you know support me to go to like theatre groups and music lessons, and I literally went to like some sort of extra curricular activity every day of the week and you know she would support some of them financially, take me to them. You know, because my mum and dad were working full-time, did a lot of things to facilitate me getting that extra curricular activity. That's very much shaped me, you know, and my other members in my family did that as well. But you know, um, like take me in from school, get me my dinner, saying right, come on, let's go drop me off, and also, in particular, having that attitude of um, don't let the the wee things get in your way. You know, you've got to very much push forward, and so why are you worrying when you can't do anything about it but keep pushing on? You've got really not got any other choice, do you? So you might as well make the best of it. That has very much come from my gran you know both my grands, but in particular my gran Ferguson.

Speaker 2: 23:28

I'd say, are you worried too? Or she'd say me, why would I be worried, can't do anything about it? And that's something that I'm really trying to feel for myself at the moment, because I am a terrible worrier, you know. So I'm trying to take that with me, that wee gem of not to worry, because worrying does get in your way. It can absolutely eat you up, you know. The only thing you can do is move forward. So, you know, take the worry out of the equation. So I'd say that's my biggest takeaway, you know, from my grant and how it helps me navigate those difficult feelings every creative has, you know. Yeah, so that's it in a nutshell. I would say, well, maybe not so much a nutshell, but that kind of takes me up to the present time, you know.

Speaker 1: 24:30

Yeah, yeah, and something that the listeners might not realize if you look at Chinese medicine, lung and large intestine are very closely related.

Speaker 1: 24:41

They're part of the metal element and the lung helps to process grief, guilt and regret.

Speaker 1: 24:49

So when you hold on to, it could be regret right, I should have done that but also worry can sit in there as a part of some of the other pieces.

Speaker 1: 25:00

And so when you start to think in those terms and you look at, as a singer, how you need to use your lungs and how you need to be able to breathe in order to perform well but also then to be able to express yourself with your lyrics, it becomes really profound that if you hold on to those things that you can't control, but you think you should worry about them, you hold on to those pieces. You can really affect the way that you will be successful, and it's an inadvertent kind of way. So I just wanted to bring that forward for listeners to think about, because how we think does make a difference. But also then to that kind of advice if you can't do anything about it, you know and and some people say, well, it's because I'm a Sagittarius and we just do that Right and it's like you might be, but you don't have to be you. You know you have a choice of what you want to do with that. So Totally.

Speaker 2: 26:02

I think that's actually really powerful because I mean for me and I would encourage powerful because I mean for me and I would encourage everybody I meet to sing, you know, because I find it so important. I even find like, see, if I'm not even in the mood to say what I'm going to say, as within inverted commas properly, you know, like performance-esque, I think, oh god, I'll sing, like sing to myself or sing anything that comes to me, because people use this excuse of I can't sing or I'm tone deaf, because somebody told them it 20 years ago, you know, and I believe them. Well, exactly, and that really affects folks' confidence when the reality of it is, unless you've actually got something wrong with your throat and you can't make sound, then you know, everybody can sing and it's really important for your well-being and you know even's really important for your well-being and, um, you know, even, just like those breathing exercises um, in for four, hold for four, out for whatever you can manage just so important immediately makes you feel better and calmer as well, you know. So, for anybody listening, I guess you know, I would just say, like it doesn't matter if you don't think you can sing, just sing, which is as well what you said about like regret.

Speaker 2: 27:40

I'd say something like I'd say that that was something that my my gran would always say as well. You know and she's not meaning it to be profound, she's saying it because she really means it. You know, like no regrets, like if you thought it was right at the time and I really believe this if you believe in yourself that it's right at the time, then you should never have any regrets and you've always got to remember that it felt right at the time. I felt I was doing the right thing, so don't hold on to that sentiment of you doing something wrong. You know, like that's super important. A lot of people as they get older, in fact, somebody said to me not that long ago you're young and I was like well, thanks very much. Sometimes it takes me a while but you

Speaker 2: 28:39

know, like when you get older, you'll look back and you'll have regrets and in that moment, you know, I said to myself I will. I promise myself now that I will never have any regrets, because what a way to live your life do you know, like looking back, I wish I'd done that. Don't, if you, if you're thinking that right now, do the thing. You know, yeah, that feels mad to me. I get that. You can find yourself in situations that you're thinking maybe that's not plausible, but you know, if you've got the will, more than likely you're able to make it happen. So I think that's very important as well. You know, like moving forward, that aspect of having no regrets, I think that's that's definitely a way I like to live my life.

Speaker 1: 29:44

So let's talk about you as a songwriter and how you pull experience into your storylines for writing.

Speaker 2: 29:54

Well, I'd say I'm very much inspired by the people and places of Scotland. So the folklore and the languages of Scotland, the folklore and the languages of Scotland, it's so rich and interesting. You know that it's very easy to draw inspiration and you know sometimes, yeah, you could think maybe like well, that's too done, or that's, you know whatever, whatever done, or that's you know whatever, whatever. But then to people maybe outside of the culture, or even Scottish people, don't know every aspect of the tradition because the country, albeit it's so small, you know, from the culture up in the north east of Scotland to the western isles, to the west of Scotland and the mainland where I come from, to the northern isles, to the borders, it's so vastly different. You know that nothing really is overdone because it's so vast. You know it's hard to kind of cover all aspects. You know, so for me, like I love to write about legend or sing about legend, you know, like on my new album there I've written a song, um, and I wrote it with two of my very good friends they are called noisemaker fantastic um company who create music and shows and um, it's, it's the legend of the calliough. You know, like the old woman and that she's this all-seeing figure, you know that, the sort of the mother of scotland, the, you know, the bringer of winter and the, the idea being you've got to be cruel to be kind. She kills everything and culls everything so it can regrow, because if the culling didn't happen, as we all know, you get too much growth, everything becomes overgrown and I guess that feeds straight into, you know, humankind, the overindulgence and everything that comes with. That creates a terrible place, you know. So that's basically one of the more recent inspirations and things like the Echuske, you know, the water horse. That's one of the, the old Gaelic songs that's on the album, about the water horse who can take on any form, and he marries a lady called Morag and they have a child and then Morag realises that he is in fact a water horse and runs for the hills as you would. You know, apparently they were meant to be shape shifters, which is kind of a bit freaky, scary, you know, and a lot of the Chinese legends about the water in particular were made up to keep folk, particularly children, away from the water. In particular were made up to keep folk, particularly children, away from the water, you know, and they end up just sticking and scaring the living daylights out of you. But there you go. So, yeah, and then my last album, not just Shipland.

Speaker 2: 33:25

The inspiration came from these amazing um women in particular that came from govern. They were very humble, but you know, very humble beginnings but achieved quite magnificent things, like bell the ball. Bell moore was an olympical medalist the first time women's teams were allowed to compete at the Olympics and they won gold for the swimming. And Lady Elder, that amazing philanthropist, gave a lot of her money away to the people to create learning spaces, green spaces, you know, and the list goes on and on and on. I could go on forever, but in a nutshell, I'm very much inspired by the people and places and our rich culture and tradition within Scotland. It's very vast.

Speaker 1: 34:25

Wow, and you know people thinking about when they say they can't sing right. And then you think about people you know if they say I would never be able to write a song, but yet these stories, that lesson, or to help pull them to a different place. And then what's possible with the stories, that really come into our heads and it's beautiful that you can actually take them to a place where you can make them bigger by taking them out onto a stage and giving them an audience and having an audience that's going to sing along and enjoy it as well.

Speaker 2: 35:09

Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, like, that's a big part of it for me, like I'm obviously a bit of a like culture dork, for lack of a better word. Do you know, like I love it I always have. Do you know, uh, like I love it always have. You know. And and again, very much inspired by, um, my family and my gran, my gran ferguson, taking me lots of places. You know, my mum and dad would take me a lot of places, um, but obviously they're working.

Speaker 2: 35:48

So my gran used to take me just jump on the train to Oban or go to Edinburgh for the day, or you know, do you know something? At the time when I thought, oh, I can't be bothered, you know, but she said, come on, you know, we take the repack lunch with us. It it's funny. I was telling I was doing a project in Edinburgh last week. Um, it's this really nice stage show for babies with a lot of traditional music in it, very niche, right, but it'll be lovely.

Speaker 2: 36:19

And um, I was seeing everybody walking around in all the Edinburgh gear and it was up, you know, like the umbrellas and the hats and the jumpers and all that, and it was absolutely lashing down the rain and it made me remember a day out with my gran exactly that same thing, but basically tourists and she brought out the bag, you know, like those secret ponchos yep, the water proceeded, ponchos, and it had like scotland, it had Scotland and the Lion rampant and all that on them.

Speaker 2: 36:53

And I was quite young and I remember saying to her I'm not putting that on she was like, yeah, you are, and we're going to go out and we're going to do what we said we would do. I couldn't even tell you where we were, but you know she wanted to go round the shops and go and see different bits and bobs and you know, go to a historic part and you know, like different, that we would usually do and you know that sort of sentiment of get your blinking waterproof on and we're going to do exactly what we said we're going to do.

Speaker 2: 37:27

You know that's very strong world and not letting anything get in the way of what you set out to do and I've made me laugh, like seeing everybody you know cutting about in their waterproof ponchos, and here's me cutting me, doing it like 30 years later or something you know, and it just made me laugh. That felt quite, you know, full circle. So I'm probably more like her than I actually realise. Yep, which I'm coming to, you know, I'm slowly discovering that as well as time goes on, which is actually quite nice. You know, aspects of my personality that I would never have associated with our, you know, when we're doing our normal thing, you know, like spending time with each other, just because it's normal, but in her absence, I think that's something she would do, do you know it's quite nice, and I'm thinking about you know, when you hang out with your peers, it would be very easy not to go because you didn't have the right gear.

Speaker 1: 38:41

But when you hang out with people of different generations, they've done so many things and they don't care anymore. They don't care if it's see-through and it has something plastered all over it, they don't care. They just they want to go and do what the experience is and that's where they focus. And when you're younger, you're how am I going to appear? Have I prepared myself the correct way? What will people think? And older people don't think that way and I think the role that grandparents play when they don't care. What does that mean for us as we're younger? Thinking that everybody's looking at us and critiquing us for what we're going to do.

Speaker 2: 39:27

It's interesting to say that because I still feel that's something that I'm working through. You know, I'm not at that stage where I really don't care. Do you know what I mean? Like, I look at my gran, right, and she didn't care, right, she, as you know, was a very. She died when she was 87, right, so you need to keep that in your mind.

Speaker 2: 39:57

Right, she had a red sports car, right, very, very trendy, you know, just got like a new sofa, did her house up, got the curtains changed. You know, she wanted a fresh, new vibe, but she would do it like twice a year. She would change things over, want it cool, trendy, you know, and that is not for appearances, that's for her, you know, because she wants a change of scenery, because she wants a fast, cool, wee car, because she likes how it feels when she drives it around, she likes looking out the window, looking at it. You know, like, all those things are for her, right, and I'm really trying to channel that for myself, right, because I think you're going to be your most authentic self when you're doing all that for yourself and, you know, as a creative, that's what's going to make you individual, you know, and that's what's going to be maybe you don't realise it.

Speaker 2: 41:15

But you know, you're sort of je ne sais quoi.

Speaker 2: 41:20

That's something that nobody else can be, because I think, within what I do, I see a lot of people maybe trying to be something and fit into a box and there's I don't want to say copying, I don't feel there's copying, but you know, taking a lot of inspiration from others when actually you're going to be fabulous if you're totally yourself. Do you know? And like I'm not quite there yet, I'm going to be really honest about that. I care what people think and I really wish I didn't. I really wish I didn't, but I'm kind to be really honest about that. I care what people think and I really wish I didn't. I really wish I didn't, but I'm kind of getting there. You know, it's a kind of quite a freeing feeling to think. You know, I don't care what you think I like it.

Speaker 2: 42:23

So there you go, and I bet you there'll be somebody else out there that likes it. So if you don't, then you're better away. You know? Yep, and when I was, maybe, when not like genuinely not that long ago I would have thought no, don't go like me, like my music, like the things that I create, do you know? Because it makes you feel better, doesn't?

Speaker 2: 42:52

it, it makes you feel good. Some folk say you're great or I really like what you do, you know, but I think the reality obviously is you can't please everybody, and isn't it better just to be your authentic self and let those people go and let the people in that do really like it? So I feel I'm actually really going through that just now. I find myself saying what would they like? I think, actually, what would I like? So that's something I've kind of realized Well, I've known it for a long time, obviously, but something I've realized very recently that I would like to change about myself.

Speaker 2: 43:35

You know, and it's something that really came to the fore when my gran was very, very unwell um, because me and my mum were with her the whole time. She had a terrible, terrible stroke and she couldn't talk. She was totally with it, though, and, um, we could communicate through kind of you know, like some facial expressions, body movements and like that is when you know, you know somebody you can communicate in that way. You know. So, honestly, something I'll hold on to as well is just her good faith and will to be kind and good to other people, even when she was in that situation. It was all about making us laugh, the nurses laugh. You know wee funny faces.

Speaker 2: 44:34

You know giving it, looking me up and down. You know what do you got on the day type thing. You know giving it all that, you know, and that is something, along with trying not to care what people think, but doing it with like the ultimate kindness, like be good and kind, because that's what I'll remember her for, do you know, and I pride I would honestly pride myself on being a nice person. I hope people do think that of me, because I always try and be not just nice but kind to people, because you know, actually I do believe whatever you put out will come back to you. You know, it's all very circular if you do kind, nice things for people and hopefully you'll get that back, you know, and hopefully it makes your surroundings and the world that we exist in even just a teeny bit better, you know? Um, I can't even remember your original question now.

Speaker 1: 45:58

No, but you said something interesting and, in that case, right. Because you've had a stroke and you can't speak, it would be very easy to be really frustrated and angry and then sad and cry, like you could go through a gamut of emotions which you may go through and which she may have done in private. But what's really interesting that you said was because she spent all of her time reaching out to make sure you were all okay. The memory that you have is not of somebody who had a stroke. Oh, my poor grandmother. All of these things happened. She was so sad. You don't have that. You have a grandmother that turned it around and went.

Speaker 1: 46:50

How many ways are we going to make this nurse laugh, who's also having a hard day? And how am I going to continue to shine the light on my granddaughter so that she'll continue to thrive rather than being pulled down into the position I'm in? It's a really interesting way to look at it because I hadn't thought about how do we play the illness role? And there's a lot of people who have chronic pain, who have issues they've had for a long time that may never change because they broke their arm and it doesn't always work the way they want. But they have the choice of oh, this is my bad arm, oh, this is the way I have to do it now, or I'm going to push that arm as hard as I can because it should be as good as my other arm, but you also have that choice of.

Speaker 1: 47:36

I think it's grace arm, but you also have that choice of I think it's grace the grace of accepting I'm in this position. Now how do I make the best of it? But also, how do I enlighten the people around me and we started our conversation today about that, about our ability to reach out. So, even if we are grieving, how do we reach out to help someone else? Because that's how we get through are grieving, how do we reach out to help someone else, because that's how we get through, and your grandmother was exhibiting that at one of her most vulnerable moments, which is really really interesting it was interesting and don't get me wrong like it's, if you would ask her.

Speaker 2: 48:16

You know, being very close, like um, I feel like I didn't ask her anything. Do you know, which is a relationship I hope people close to me feel that they have with me, you know, and I I did say to her, you know, I thought she looked dead sad one day. You know, after all the hoo-ha and the looking up and down and the you know telling me jokes and blah, blah, blah and her laugh and she could still be laugh like her laugh really came out, you know. And then you know I had said to her are you sad? Because she looked sad and my mum was saying what are you doing? Stop, don't you know? And she said she nodded her head.

Speaker 2: 49:13

So so was that thing of, yeah, sheltering me to a point, you know, but if I asked a difficult question, she wasn't going to lie to me either, right, you know, and that's okay, you know, because I did want to know how she was feeling and I did want her to be honest with me. And it just sits in my mind every other time I've asked her a difficult question that, yes, she was telling the truth, because she could have lied to me in the moment and said not talked it, but showed me with her actions, I'm fine yeah, it's okay, don't worry about me, I'll be good yeah but she didn't.

Speaker 2: 50:07

She told me the truth and that's very important for me is to be honest and truthful, while never hurting anybody's feelings or up. You know, purposefully upsetting people or using it as a tool to be nasty. You know, having the grace to be really honest is quite a difficult thing as well, because you know we all do it. We all say yeah, I'm fine, or yeah, I'm good, or and actually you're not. You know and I think we get used to saying it too often and I'm not saying turn into some sort of hippie lunatic when someone says how you doing and you say, well, actually I'm extremely depressed, do you know?

Speaker 2: 51:09

like, obviously there's a time and a place, but if you feel in a situation where it's trusting and you feel comfortable or compelled enough to tell the truth. You know you probably should, because that could give other people the confidence to say I actually don't feel very good either, or this thing's happened to me, or, and you could end up really helping each other and you would never have known if somebody wasn't risky and said the thing that they were actually really feeling, you know. So that was. That's a huge learning curve curve for me.

Speaker 2: 51:51

I I I would say I'm generally quite good at, you know, being honest and saying how I feel and maybe having difficult conversations, but again, I could probably still be better. So I think that's a good thing. That's something I've definitely taken from her and something that's helping me get through my grief as well. You know, I'll openly say to the people that I trust like I feel, like I'm struggling today, I'm not doing very well or I feel very sad. Do you feel sad? Or when? When do you feel sad? You know, and talk about it, and talk about how it makes you feel, rather than not Exactly.

Speaker 2: 52:42

I think also like, yeah, I think it's done. It's got to be done with compassion as well, because I mean, rather than selfishly, you know, know, because you could dump a lot of stuff onto somebody else and I think very quickly you would be able to tell if they didn't want to hear it and then obviously you can pull back because a lot of people, I guess, are going through different things and can only deal with certain snippets at a time or can't deal with it at all, not ready to talk about it. I guess you've got to navigate that. But I'm meaning more with people that you really trust and you feel that you can talk to.

Speaker 2: 53:26

I think it's always good to talk about how you're feeling, and also to talk about how you're feeling when you feel. It's positive feelings as well. I think a lot of the time we only talk about our feelings when we feel really sad or anxious or stressed, and very rarely do we actually say you know, I'm just feeling dead happy today and these are the reasons why. Right, but it's true, isn't it? It is yep, and it's really important, because then it sets it in your mind like I'm when I do x, y and z, and I should do more of that yep, or for me, uh, you know when I have that day when everything flowed and that is everything I went to touch.

Speaker 1: 54:29

Everything just kept coming in like I was on the right road. And then you have other days where it's like nothing worked the way you wanted it to work. You had an idea where you were heading, you took a U-turn in a completely different direction, but you kept hitting the roadblocks. And I always think about, when you come back to that thought of that day just felt so uplifting and it just everything just went forward and I accomplished things without really much effort, and I always think back to that. You know that's possible. So the day that I'm not and I'm hitting the wall and things are tugging, why, why? And then to reflect on the fact that you know what it feels like when it does flow beautifully. So what is it going to take to get you to that space?

Speaker 2: 55:20

100%, like it's so important and like a lot of people talk about, um, a improved mood, of every journal, right, and I was like, yeah, right, like I'm going to sit down at the end of the day when I'm absolutely done, in before making my dinner, or get up at six o'clock in the morning and write down how I feel. Yeah, right, like that's going to happen. Do you know? And actually it was um, you know that Apple Fitness Plus on the iPhone, it's like all the exercise classes and that, and I really like it. Like there's lots of good running classes and things you can join, right, but there's hundreds of things like it app-wise for exercise. But it's something. It's a new feature Log how you're feeling today, and it takes like 10 seconds. You go, boop bo're feeling today and it takes like 10 seconds. You go. You know, or you can go into more detail I never boo right, done right, and it might be it shows up. I don't know. I don't know how they do it. The algorithms are mad. It shows up at a time of day, but I feel like it's manageable for me. You know, I'm not stressed, so they must have worked that out with an algorithm or something.

Speaker 2: 56:45

I don't know, but I've noticed that I'm at my happiest when I've done some really good exercise, like I feel like I'm really like particularly running. I love to run and like that sort of stride, that wide, open stride. It makes me feel good. So I've realized from logging how I feel that that's the pattern. You know that that's one of the main things that makes me feel really happy. And then, obviously, from literally the beginning of time, somebody could tell you that, right, if you're really feel better and you're like is that right? Thanks very much for sharing that with me. Do you know what I mean? But actually, when you discover it yourself, you're like, god damn it, they were bloody right. It does make me feel good, you know.

Speaker 2: 57:39

So it's like that self-discovery and doing it, doing it for yourself, is the thing, isn't it that that I've really found. So, yeah, I mean, I've turned into one of those folk that I think shut up. No, I don't want to write down how I feel and no, I don't want to go in the treadmill right now, you know, but that's something that's actually really helped me, like identifying, like what we were saying, like identifying and talking about, like what makes you happy, or, if you don't want to talk about it. Write it down, you know, but that's only through, uh, the act of writing stuff down or talking about stuff when you're not trying to find it, and then eventually you'll find the pattern. You know, um, because I get it can like feel overwhelming, especially when you're feeling rubbish.

Speaker 2: 58:36

You know, like grieving is just the most awful thing. It truly is the most awful thing, like that feeling, and we know, for anybody that's went through grief, it presents differently every single time and I think that's frightening, you know, because when I found out that my gran we were only going one way, you know she wasn't going to get better and she knew it herself I was actually frightened about what was going to come. You know, frightened to grieve because it's so awful. Yeah, do you know?

Speaker 2: 59:26

and, funnily enough, I don't want to scare anybody because everybody experiences everything differently, you know, but when, when it's happening, it's never quite as bad as you think it's going to be, just like everything else isn't it you just work your way through and you navigate and you adapt, um, you know, because, as as a human being, you might not think you're very resilient, you know, but actually it's incredible the way that you can just mould yourself into an environment or a new situation, you know. So obviously I don't want to scare anybody that is going to be grieving or that maybe hasn't experienced it before you get through it, you do it, you know, and it's just one of those kind of journeys that presents itself differently for everyone and in different ways each time you experience it.

Speaker 2: 1:00:38

So I think concentrating on the good things and the things that make you truly happy and present in the now are very, very important. But even if you're not grieving, try and identify the things that make you feel really, really good and it seems like, well, obviously, right, obviously, but it's incredible the amount of folk, myself included.

Speaker 2: 1:01:13

Until not that long ago I didn't really know what to do. That would make me feel good in the moment. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know like people are so busy these days, like working, getting their family places, doing whatever they need to do mm-hmm I forget, like when they actually stop, like what I do myself. You know, like you could be like reading a book, watch a teleprogram, going out for a walk, what makes you feel really good in yourself.

Speaker 1: 1:01:51

You know and you know, yeah, it's really important and I've had a couple of thoughts while you were talking, and one is I like to ask myself what kind of day do I want? So I could check in with my emotions. But again, if you go back to Chinese medicine, if the body's out of balance, you'll be experiencing an emotion based on which system is having the most challenge, and so if you are feeling something in particular and you repeat that every day, you feel the same every morning, then you know that system is really working hard and it needs something from you. So the part I like to do in the morning is from you. So the part I like to do in the morning is how do I want to feel today? And maybe it's a day where I'm not writing songs, like you are, but I might be writing blog posts or something like that, and I want to feel creative, or I want to feel introspective, and another day might be. I just want to feel ease and flow in my day, and another day might be. I need strength because I'll be going to do some tasks that I haven't done for a while or they're new to me, and that's what I'm looking for. But when I set up, what is the quality of the kind of day I want to have, then I can put that into action. And that changes you from how do I feel at the moment. And maybe you do get stuck because you didn't go exercise and you kind of sit in it and you see the pattern. But it's really nice to know you could make a choice to something different, the pattern that I like to do to bring that into balance.

Speaker 1: 1:03:33

And I learned this when I had the kids. They were really young and I had to make breakfast and lunch and I hated getting out of bed in the morning and having the responsibility of two children that number one didn't want to get up, number two they didn't want to eat breakfast. And then when I made lunch but I don't want that for lunch, you know, and so it was like such a chore so I would lie in bed and it's it's called cook's hookups, and so it was like such a chore so I would lie in bed and it's called Cook's hookups, and so you just cross one ankle over the other and you cross your hands over, or you can cross them across the chest and and thinking about the quality of the kind of day you want to have, and then just breathe. And then I've done that for a little bit, or in my case, I hit the snooze button on the alarm clock and just kind of drifted off, and then, when the alarm would go again, then I'd put my fingertips together in front of the belly button and the feet just go side by side and then I could lie there and I actually walked myself through what I needed to do. And so before I got out of bed, I have already gone into the fridge. There was some ham and cheese and there is bread on the counter and I'll pull out the mayonnaise.

Speaker 1: 1:04:43

Whatever morning, how are you? And? And hear the? Please don't wake me up. You know, and and it's like it's okay, I'm going down to make breakfast and you know, and off I would go. And that tool I carried with me for a long time because it was it was such an arduous thing to have to do every morning, but also that quality of how could I change my day, anyway? So I was thinking of that as you were describing those pieces and recording, because you can record. But how are you going to move forward from that space? And maybe you do go to the gym and you move forward in that way, but you might want to know where you want to go for the rest of the day, based on what it is you want to be doing.

Speaker 2: 1:05:41

Totally, like absolutely. I think that's so important and like what a nice thing as well to foresee your day before you even get out your bed. And then I think as well, like it's important. I do this all the time, and in fact I do it the night before and I really shouldn't do it. It's something that I feel I need to let go of. You know, I make a plan in my head and then, when things don't go to plan, it really stresses me out, Because I think I've tightly scheduled this whole bloody day and now it's totally faked up. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1: 1:06:20

like you know, and actually that that's life and I like I like to uh think of it as leaving the space for intuition to to find the the fastest way. So my list of 25 items satisfies my need to get things done. But if my day is I want to experience my day as creative, or something like that then all the pieces that are gonna lend to the creativity will have gifts, arrive for them in the order that they need to happen. And I've learned to let go of the list, because when I go back to the list it'll be really interesting how many pieces got done, but not in the order that I thought it was going to go or the way because these gifts arrive.

Speaker 1: 1:07:12

And I know, for musicians, songwriting, dancers, movement, you know you think the choreography is going to go this way and then all of a sudden you get this idea and then, poof, it merges into something else and it's so much better. But it is better because you had the space to let it go and for the opportunity for the other pieces to come to us. And I think that sometimes we really try to grip on tight.

Speaker 2: 1:07:39

Hold on to that piece, yeah, yeah yeah, for sure, for sure, like, you're always going to create better when you give yourself time and space. Like it's, you know, and obviously there's going to be deadlines, you know, like, or else, obviously there's going to be deadlines, you know, or else nothing would happen in the world, you know. So you know you've got to work to the deadline. But if you're able to give yourself the time and space to think, then you're going to be happy with the end result because you've thought about it more, you know. And then like, for instance, like I'm looking over this song that I had written. It's called the angel share and it'll be on the new album. Most people I don't know, maybe most people don't know what the angel's share is. It's, you know, like when the whiskey freshly distilled whiskey is put into the barrels, it evaporates when it's maturing. You're going to have less left in the barrel by the time it's ready to go, and those fumes that evaporate up into the air are called the angel's share. I guess there was a movie that was made about it. It's quite a good film. It's called the angel's share. And you know I wrote a song based around that and we chopped it up a wee bit.

Speaker 2: 1:09:15

It was quite irregular, which I like. I sometimes like a through composed number. But, um, my producer said bring it in a bit. So I said okay, so we ended up chopping bits out of it and made it more regular and it kind of changed the sentiment not the sentiment, but it changed some of the lines, maybe to not make full sense. So I had to go back and kind of work on it again and you know, things were just weren't coming to me and I remember sitting on the train, on the train going to Edinburgh from Helensburgh, and it's a long train ride, and I'm sitting trying to absolutely hammer out these words, right, I'm thinking, oh, this is doing my absolute head in right, and I think to myself, what are you going to do right now?

Speaker 2: 1:10:07

You can't think anything good, right, you can't think anything good. So I closed my computer and I looked out the window, right, and I thought chill out, for God's sake. So I looked out the window and it was absolutely beautiful, right, just like the scenery. I was actually looking at water. I'm from the west of Scotland, but the train takes you all the way from west to east, so Helmsborough to Edinburgh and kind of around. I don't really know where it is. Maybe just past Bathgate or something, there's this kind of loch with really thin trees and it's so beautiful and the sun was really shining and it looked so bright and clear and I was like, whoa, that is beautiful.

Speaker 2: 1:11:01

And the the line came to me it's going to be brighter soon. Because I saw how bright it was outside, because I was killing myself because I'd said bright twice. Oh, my god, I can't say bright twice. That's so stupid and clumsy. Right, you know it's going to be bright. And then the next line I was like why can't it just be, it's going to be brighter soon. It was so simple.

Speaker 2: 1:11:36

But looking out the window got me there, just taking a wee break got me there, you know, which is mad? And it was like the space of like 10 minutes or something. I wasn't even doing it for long. Yeah, and it you know. So that's it. That's exactly what we're seeing, you know, like in practice. Isn't it like give yourself a blinking minute, because we don't really having all the open tabs and loads of unfinished things? That bothers me. I like to get things wrapped up to feel like I'm achieving, moving forward. But even if you're like that, I feel like you've got to give yourself a wee bit of time, you know, or else you just don't get the ideas, you don't get the good final ideas. So again, like that's something you know, like going back to my gran that I find I'm kind of taken away from this horrible situation, like, just give yourself time.

Speaker 2: 1:12:53

She would do something like she was a very good cook. That was her occupation. She was a cook for the whisky industry, funnily enough, and and and my whole family worked in the fiske industry and you know she would do something, say she'd be cooking at home or doing a task or doing something she probably actually really did need to do, you know. But I'll always remember if she didn't feel like it or feel she needed to stop, she would. She was never bad to herself, you know, which is something that I'm really trying to do. If I don't feel like it, I actually don't need to do it right now. If I am absolutely hammering myself trying to get it done, take a wee beat and just chill out, you know it's only your deadline, it's only the timeline you set.

Speaker 2: 1:14:03

Yeah, absolutely and yeah, there's going to be cases when the deadline is hard. You're going to miss the boat, you don't get the application and if you don't finish the song, sometimes you need to make the difficult decisions. I'm not sure about that, but I'll just need to go with it.

Speaker 1: 1:14:20

That's important too, I guess you know getting that good balance is definitely important and there was one other piece you said before we went off on this tangent was, um, also about the experience of you know, after the stroke and as she was deteriorating and came to the place of passing, and I think, a lot like you, a lot of people, that's a fearful place, it's a hard place to get to.

Speaker 1: 1:14:54

Yet if you have it in the mind or in the process of how do I want to say this of being in the experience of it and the beauty of being able to be present with that person and the gift of you're the one that's there, and in therapeutic touch they call it hand to heart, which is holding onto the left hand of the person and, depending on how well you know them, you could put your other hand on the shoulder, you could put the other hand over their heart and just really making that connection with them, that they, you are there and you're connected, and making that opportunity to transition so much easier.

Speaker 1: 1:15:43

And that's one of the gifts of therapeutic touch that I've really enjoyed is always having a tool in my toolbox to support in some way, and maybe it might be supporting that person who is ill, but it might also be supporting other family members, and so being able to offer therapeutic touch sessions have always been something, too that I can quickly move into a place of empowerment, rather than sitting in a place of despair where I feel like I can't participate in some way, because I know I can participate, and when I do participate, I have this opportunity to change space and time, and so I just wanted to bring that forward as you were talking about it, because you said it ended up being more beautiful than you thought it could be.

Speaker 2: 1:16:32

Yeah, and I think, like not to be mistaken, like it was for me extremely painful, like probably the most painful feelings I've ever had, you know, but me, my mum and my gran were together 24-7 at the end.

Speaker 2: 1:17:06

You know, we didn't want to leave her because she would never have left us. But it also wasn't just that. It was that feeling of we have to be together, you know so, and actually we did like at the very end, we were holding on and I think that's something that people are frightened of. In the past, you know, I was with both my grandpas when they passed away and again, that was very, very painful because we were very close but I wasn't holding on to them and I remember thinking I wanted to and it wasn't the right thing to do in the moment, but I feel, with my gran Ferguson, we're so close that we do touch, you know, and I wouldn't say I'm an overly touchy, feely person, but we do cuddle or, you know, like I would take each other's arm. So touch is part of our, you know, communication with each other. Like that's just what we did, you know, and we were holding on and that's probably was helpful for my gran, you know, to know that we were with her and we're all doing it together, but like to, it helped me. You know which I was so surprised at.

Speaker 2: 1:18:53

And it's funny, isn't it? Because a lot of people are frightened to touch, as I had been in the past, even though we're really close. I think, when you know the person very well and touch has been part of your whole life together, that why shouldn't you, you know, like because that connection's so strong and probably it was hard, like I'm. I'm glad that it was like that and I'm glad that we were with her and I would like to think that I would have somebody like that with me in that situation, you know. So, yeah, it's all very full circle and, and you know things, I think that feeds again very clearly into doing what you think's right in the moment. I had learned from the past experiences. I wish I'd touched them or held their hand or what. No, you don't even need to hold hands. You can actually put your hand on their arm or whatever you think is right in the minute. And the fact that I did what I thought was right in the moment, I don't regret doing it. Touch is a very powerful thing.

Speaker 1: 1:20:30

Very, very powerful, yeah, and isn't it?

Speaker 2: 1:20:35

something that sticks with me is that it's like that. That's a lasting memory, how that felt, because we don't just remember things by what somebody said or how they look. A lot of what we remember is by touch, and then the moment is maybe more ingrained because it was sort of multi-sensory. You know, actually feeling the warmth of somebody's hand is like. It is very like empowering as well. I'm very grateful to have had that connection and for her to have let me do that as well, you know. So I guess, like the takeaway is realise the importance of of touch, I guess, and not be afraid of it and then.

Speaker 2: 1:21:39

I guess we, all these things of you know you need to make sure folk want to be touched, etc. You know, like, because that's a whole other avenue, isn't it? But you know, I'm specifically talking about the folk that are closest to you. Yeah, you know, I'm not talking about random folk you meet in the streets thinking I cuddle you because, yeah, you're probably going to get a bit of a strange reaction. I mean, that's what you want to do, fair play to you, but that's not specifically what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2: 1:22:10

You know, and it's, I think, like especially being Scottish as well, right, this probably exists in a lot of other cultures, yep, but people say it, maybe about the UK in general, not very touchy-feely folk and not very touchy feely folk, and that stiff upper lip type vibe showing emotion, so it's kind of inbuilt. You know that don't be too, don't be too soppy, or don't you know? Don't express yourself that way too much, which I've got an essence of, because I told you right from the start, I'm not overly touchy-feely, but I think it's really important to have that presence with the people that you're closest to and that you trust.

Speaker 1: 1:23:14

I know with my grandmother. Uh, if I came into the room and I I live a long way or lived a long way from where she was and so I didn't get to visit very often, but I would always rub her feet and so the last couple of visits she would just say it's time now and she just put her feet up on the ottoman and she'd be like here they are. But it gave me again. It was an empowerment piece because it gave me something to do while we were talking and you just kept rubbing and you could just see the whole calmness come in and she loved to have her feet in her hands rubbed.

Speaker 1: 1:23:51

But not many people, will, you know, sit down and pick up some feet. Lots of people don't want to rub feet and that's, you know, the my um, feet first system, foot rub, it's, it's just so empowering. It reconnects all the systems and even if you didn't know that, just just being able to hold the feet makes such a difference because the whole systems get rebooted. But it was also lovely because, you're right, I know what her feet felt like, I know how stiff every joint was, but I also knew that expression on her as everything calmed and then she took a deeper breath and, you know, we didn't have to say anything, we just be in each other's presence uh-huh, which is so lovely, like such a lovely thing to share, funnily enough as well.

Speaker 2: 1:24:45

Like when my grandma was very unwell, we would do like re-beautifying sessions. She's probably saying I've had enough, but then it was making me feel better, um, because I thought it was nice for her. She's probably saying bloody hell, let me go to sleep, but she's trying to please me, type thing. But we did wee pedicures and wee like feet massages and you know different things like that. You know, because that's actually something that we used to do together. We would always go and get our feet done, and when I say getting our feet done, I'm talking about that like a spa pedicure, but like nothing fancy. You know like just one of the wee places that you would go into. You know in Glasgow, like you don't even need an appointment, like you just sort of, you just go in and they have, you know, like the big, the spa bit to put your feet in into the bath, you know, and that that's something we used to do all the time together, you know.

Speaker 2: 1:25:50

So actually that's a good point as well. So it's doing things that are maybe related with touch but you're maybe not even necessarily having to do it. It's like the shared experience of doing something like that together.

Speaker 2: 1:26:03

It's also very nice, but in the end I was trying to do that for her, you know, to be reminiscent of all the times that we did go and, you know, get her feet done and she really loved, like a wee day out, you know, and then it it's something that I try and remind myself to do have a wee day out, take a break, go and get your feet done, go and get your nails done, go and do something you've wanted to do for ages, like do something for yourself. You know, and I think, especially when you're grieving, we talk about, like the inverted commas also that really angry phase you feel like the world is against you.

Speaker 2: 1:26:56

Why has this happened? You want somebody to blame, and that's natural. It's a natural feeling of angry in a situation like that. But then if you do something for yourself and I would say obviously it was great importance to obviously not be selfish or hurt anybody else in those choices I mean something like taking yourself out for the day or reading the book that you always wanted to read that alleviates your anger like instantaneously, you know, because again, like the upset of everything, it's dead easy to get lost in it. All you know, and sometimes it's hard to think of something. When you're upset, what can I do right now to make me feel better? But then, like you know, it could be simple, hey, or it could be big, and you know people say, oh, but what you?

Speaker 2: 1:28:05

Also happens as well when I'm having a bit of a rubbish time and I noticed that just there, um, my gran passed away. I went and to the hairdressers and I just said cut it, cut it really short, just cut it right, just cut it off. And I loved that. The hairdresser was like cool, didn't even question it, let's cut it off. And I felt amazing, you know, and it's like that is very freeing and people might say that, oh, that's rash, or how's it rash? Your hair grows back. Do you know what I mean? As long as you're not making any lasting damage on folk, or not even lasting damage, don't be damaging people in your choices, you know, but things like you want to get your hair cut you want to shave your hair off, do it.

Speaker 2: 1:29:01

Do you know what I mean? Like don't let anybody tell you that your choices are wrong, especially when you're feeling the way you're feeling because you've got to work through it in your own way, you know, and then see if you do cut your hair short and you don't like it.

Speaker 2: 1:29:19

In two weeks time one it's going to be a little bit longer than it was when it was cut two weeks earlier, and then you'll know for the future I won't get my hair cut that short again, exactly yep and that's okay yeah, yeah, yeah, wow.

Speaker 1: 1:29:43

We weaved through a lot of pieces and I I appreciated that you brought in nature. So, if I go back to the on the, be inspired by the power of nature that surrounds you, rest and release into healing, and you even brought that in for songwriting looking out the window and enjoying nature. We've talked about lots of ways that people can help themselves or be empowered as they're going through the process. Is there anything else that comes to your mind? Maybe it's with singing, or maybe there's a particular song. You have Anything else that you'd like to share with the listeners? That is a way for them, maybe, to pass through the feelings they've got and move them forward and, uh, move them forward.

Speaker 2: 1:30:39

You know, I think it's just important to feel what you're feeling. I know that sounds a bit like I can feel a bit demeaning somebody saying that to you when you're feeling rubbish, but I would say that you know, like today I felt rubbish, I felt real rubbish. But you know, in particular, you know like to do with my gran, because things are moving on and the house has been sold and it's very difficult. You know you've got to sit in the hard feelings because then you appreciate the good feelings that will eventually come, and obviously the fact that folk have said this since the beginning of time, hey. But obviously your grief isn't linear. You're going to have some serious ups and downs. Don't be afraid of the downs, because it's a learning curve.

Speaker 2: 1:31:44

The phrase is true, albeit it's a little harsh. You know like what doesn't kill you does make you stronger in the end. You know like it sounds twee and cliche, but it's really true, like it's such a learning curve you know. So lean into the difficult feelings and it just makes you a more well, I would like to think compassionate and kind and have more understanding of yourself, which in turn is going to just make you more unique and more yourself, and that is the most intriguing part of us all being different, when we can all learn good things from each other as well as discovering things about yourself it's interesting too.

Speaker 1: 1:32:43

You know, you think of the learning curve and most people think of the learning curve. You're going up, they're thinking of the upside because they're learning something new, not not the bottom and the bottom where you finally go. I'm going to do it differently, but we all have to have that place where we get to that. I'm going to do it differently before you can go up the other side. So the learning curve really is the transition down to up rather than just up. A lot of us would just really rather do that up. So, um, yeah, I just was thinking of that as you were saying it and I hadn't thought about that yeah, that's important, though, isn't it?

Speaker 2: 1:33:22

because how do you enjoy the good times and and take the most out of all the good times when you haven't had the bad times? You know to balance it all out. It's that yin and yang thing it is yep about. You've got to take the good with the bad. You know, I feel like I'm full of like cliches. I feel I could be like one of those plaques that hang on somebody's conservatory wall be kind and you'll have a good life. But genuinely, it is very, very true. It's all about balance, treating yourself, working hard, taking it easy, trying to achieve.

Speaker 1: 1:34:11

It's a mixture, and you've got to accept the ups and the downs, I guess and so one of the things I'll bring in as we bring this conversation to a close is in my bioenergetic wellness toolbox and I'll say it with that language because we have an organization here in Canada called can be well and it's can be wellorg and it's a bioenergetic wellness way of looking at things and that's how the whole podcast has been set up is for us to move in transition and find a way forward, and all the pieces we talked about today brought us through that. But one of the things that we can do is called ESRs, which is emotional stress release. This comes from Touch for Health and you just put your fingertips really lightly on your forehead and the connection of the energy in your fingertips connects to these little points across the forehead which go right into emotion, and then we have this opportunity to change how things are going and release. So if you have a really, a really tough day where you go this is a tough day today and put the fingertips on the forehead, you don't have to think anything, just sit and the back brain sends some blood to the front brain and the body can start to process the emotions out and release things. But the other thing you can do is as we've done today, is we've weaved all these beautiful memories into the stories and our realizations, and how much growth has happened as a result of the process of having lost your grandmother and you.

Speaker 1: 1:35:56

So holding the fingertips and just letting the ideas of where am I now and what has made me stronger, or what insights do I now have can come from those fingertips. So I just I share that with the audience so that you're always empowered, you're not going to be without some way to make that movement forward. There is always a way and these tools, they just go in the toolbox, put them in your pocket, know that they're there and then someday you'll be sitting there and you'll go. I remember that podcast and she just talked about putting fingertips on the forehead. But it's empowering and it can be very helpful too for somebody who maybe is sick and maybe you're caring for them and maybe they are distraught today and you see that on their face, and to be able to go to their, their forehead and say I'm just gonna put my fingertips here and take a couple deep breaths and you can see that whole transition come through.

Speaker 1: 1:36:56

And you can go down and hold the feet as well. You can hold between the fourth toe on the foot and the pinky toe on the foot part, but you go right in between on the bones and your thumb is on the backside, so it'd be the bottom of the foot part. But you go right in between on the bones and your thumb is on the back side, so it'd be the bottom of the foot. But you hold those points on both feet and that will also just completely calm the whole system. So if you have somebody that's ill and you can't get to the head because they've got all kinds of apparatus around them or other people, and you just go to the bottom and just hold their feet there, you can really calm the way that they're feeling. It doesn't work on your own feet, so you would have to put your feet up and say, please, somebody come hold my feet. But it does give you, it does give you that option. At least you know that that's something that you can do.

Speaker 1: 1:37:48

So, that's lovely. Yeah, do so. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, ainsley, thank you so much for being so open and conversing and and sharing and, um, I think that our audience has has lots of ideas, lots of ways to reflect, and that's what I was hoping for. Um, this podcast and with season four, really bringing people into a transformation. You can listen to podcasts, but I really want people to feel, when they finish, they've gone somewhere and there's something either new, resolved or possibilities now are right there to be able to take them. And your insights were so beautiful, so I think we're right there to be able to take them. And and your insights were so beautiful, so I think we're. We started the road of that for season four, so thank you so much oh no.

Speaker 2: 1:38:38

Thank you very much, um, for having me like. I feel. You know I've ended and I hope folk don't feel it's been too self-indulgent, but actually even talking to you has helped me. You know, through something I'm finding difficult, you know. So even maybe sharing my experiences, I hope some folk can take solace in that, you know. So I appreciate you giving me the time.

Speaker 1: 1:39:04

Yeah, yeah and we talked about at the beginning too, the fact that your grandmother's house did just sell and that the furniture is going to go with the house and what that means.

Speaker 1: 1:39:15

And we set up before we started the podcast for that opportunity to to work through those emotions. And so I'm saying this for the audience when I'm again your vulnerability of putting you out there. But the second part is for the audience to realize, when you're listening to these podcasts, if you have something you're trying to work through, know that before you start the podcast and let the podcast pull you through and you can go back and listen to the different kinds of tools that we shared and the ideas and a little bit about the songs and the music and then be able to see what does that mean for you and how could you add that to your toolbox. And hopefully that means that people really start to feel empowered and knowing that they can do more and they can make a difference. So, all right, ainsley, how can people find you? I know they're going to want to look your music up.

Speaker 2: 1:40:15

Well, I'm on all the platforms. I mean, first of all, I would love if folk listened to me on Spotify. Gave me a wee follow. I'm also on Instagram. Everything's at Ainsley Hamill or at Ainsley Hamill Singer so dead easy to find. And you know, I would be over the moon if folk were to listen to my music and my new album in particular that will be out in the late summer.

Speaker 1: 1:40:48

And we'll have you back because you and I are going to talk about music more in depth and you'll have processed that, the music, that and the choices, the way you wanted to put the album together, and you and I are going to talk about that. So for for people listening, that's coming down the pipe and and we will have all your resources listed in the description so people will be able to go there. But I really do invite you to go listen to the music and become familiar with the songs and the way that you like to bring things together so that when we do talk about your new CD, people can really be ignited by the power that's going to be within the CD. I say CD, but within the music. Cd is the way you know to learn to listen, but everybody else would be streaming it.

Speaker 2: 1:41:36

Yeah, I know the world of streaming.

Speaker 1: 1:41:42

So with that we're going to close the end of this podcast. Thank you so much for listening, and if some of the ideas about the herbs in the tea are appealing to you, then please go and check out the tea at the Cape Breton Tea Company dot ca. And there's lots of information there too that you can grow with, and I invite you to do that and otherwise, be well, take care, and thank you, ainsley.