10 Ways to Love Yourself That Aren't Selfish

Loving yourself means that you you are taking the time to appreciate and value yourself in ways that put your needs first.  A focus on self-love allows you to offer the best version of yourself to the people you support.  In this episode, Dr. Peggie Kirkland talks about the importance of internalizing the concept of self-love, and she offers 10 ways in which women can change their  mindsets from thinking that self-love is selfish, to the understanding that every woman deserves to love herself unapologetically. 

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Inspiring Gen X women to demonstrate their love of self through their engagement in audacious acts of self-care. This is the Mommas's Motivational Messages podcast with Dr. Peggie Kirkland. Hi, everyone. So here's the thing. I mentioned earlier that I'm embracing my purpose, what I feel I've been put on this earth to do, or at least part of it. And that is to encourage women of all ages. But I want to give some love, particularly to my Gen X women, you know, they actually call you the "forgotten generation." But I want you to know that PK, that's what my daughter calls me when she's trying to be cute; PK has not forgotten you. So if you're 40 plus, my love is coming at you. So please don't reject it. Hopefully, I can inspire you to take care of yourselves, while you're raising your kids, or sending them off to college, while you're buying your first home, or your second home, making your way to the top of that professional ladder, or planning your exit strategy. Whatever your life event is, it is so important that you take care of your emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological health. So here goes, I have a question for you, ladies. "Who's loving you. Like really? Who is loving you?" I'd like you to prioritize your list of the people you say are loving you. Okay, so maybe at the top of your list, you have your mom, your dad, your partner, your spouse, your grandma, the kids, some friends, your family? Well, whoever you put at the top of your list, it's the wrong answer. If at the top of your list, you didn't say, "Me." That's right, you should be the person who is at the top of your list of people who are loving you. Because if you're not doing this, then, it means that you're sending a message to your family and to friends, that you don't value yourself. And that's a problem if you're not putting yourself first because then you're not able to give the best version of yourself to others. So ask yourself, "Have I been feeling stressed out anxious and overwhelmed?" It could be very well, because you've been trying to please everyone else and meet everyone else's expectations. And that is not a sign of you, loving you. But I know this is not new news to you. So why am I bringing it up? Well, it's because I know very well, that just because we know something, it doesn't mean that we're acting on it. In other words, you could be aware that you're putting everyone else's needs in front of your of your own needs. But you may still not be able to take any positive actions that would help to change the situation. Instead, what do we do sometimes is complain to everyone else, to anyone who would listen. And that really is not the way we should be doing it. Remember what I said at the beginning, you should be loving you first. And you can only do that if you value yourself. And if you have a high regard for yourself. I know that for some of you, this may be a difficult concept. Because as women we were socialized to never put ourselves first. In fact, some of us were actually taught that if we put ourselves first, we're ignoring everyone else. And we may even have watched our mothers and the way in which they sacrificed for everyone else. And as little girls, we internalize that kind of behavior. And so it becomes very hard for us as adults to change that behavior. But I want you to stop for a moment. And just think about all of the pressures that come with being a woman. We could start with the fact that women are to a large degree, caregivers for children, and very often for senior parents. Or let's think about the fact that women have to work longer hours so that they could make 82 cents for every dollar a man earns or, the fact that the majority of domestic chores still end up on a woman To Do List. Look, these are realities of life. But they could sabotage our attempts to show tenderness towards ourselves. How are we going to change that? Well, to be honest with you, that's not something automatic, it's really going to require a mindset shift. So that you move away from thinking that to love yourself is selfish, and move to a new way of thinking and understanding that you have every right to love yourself, unapologetically. Right about now, you might be saying, "But PK, I don't have the time, or I don't have the energy, or PK, guess what, I have neither the time nor the energy, I have many other things that I need to prioritize?" Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I'm not trying to be dramatic, but the reality is, that all of those things that you prioritize, can drain your energy and cause you to spiral into all kinds of serious health crises. And ladies, that is not a place where anyone needs to be. So I'm going to give you 10 ways in which you can start loving yourselves. Number one, Start your day with an attitude of gratitude; find something to be grateful for, you can start with the fact that with all that's going on in the world, you are given another chance at life, you know, there's something about expressing gratitude, that just shifts your energy from being negative, to being positive. To me, it's like a stone being rolled away, that reveals a patch of dirt, where something beautiful is growing. Number two, stare your inner critic in the face and refuse to back down. Look, each of us experiences inner thoughts that prevent us from acting, in loving ways towards ourselves. And what those inner thoughts do is that they cause us to criticize ourselves, and to question our abilities until we find ourselves saying things like, "I'm stupid, I'll never get this podcast launched, hello, somebody. Or I'm not very attractive, or I'm not very successful." And a whole host of other negatives? Well, we have to become conscious of those negative things, that our inner voice keeps planting in our thoughts. What I do sometimes when I recognize that my mood has shifted from being positive to being negative, is that I stop, and I ask myself, "What's causing this shift?" And I try to see whether I can identify it. And then I do something positive to counteract it. For example, I have had to have many rough talks with my inner critic regarding the launching of this podcast. But I had to demand that she just take a backseat and allow me to move forward. She wasn't happy. But that's her problem, isn't it. Number three, do something YOU love every day, not something someone else loves, but something that you love. But first, you have to know what you love. Do you know that? Maybe you need to stop now and make a list of the things you love and keep it in a place where you can see it all the time, whether it's on your phone, or on the mirror in the bathroom, or the bedroom or wherever, on the refrigerator. And so in this way, when you get that nagging inner critic, starting to put those negative thoughts in your head, you can turn her off by doing what you know you love, and what works for you in terms of shifting your energy. Number four, connect with positive people. When you're trying to show love for yourself, its no time to burden yourself with people who you know, have a negative effect on you. Number five, take a moment to make a note of your wins, the wins you've experienced in your life, whether they're big or small. And in doing so, you're sending a message to yourself that if you did it once, you can do it again. Number six, form the habit of speaking positively to yourself. And notice my emphasis is on habit. This can be a one and done. It has to be rehearsed, repeated daily. So you internalize it. It sort of reminds Have one of my daughter's t shirts that asked the question, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" And the answer is practice, practice, practice." You get the point. Number seven. Don't sweat the small stuff. You have to know the difference between what's a problem that can be solved simply, and what has the potential to be a catastrophe. Number eight, be attentive to your physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs. We'll be focusing more on these in our upcoming episodes. Number nine, remember, there are several ways to get to the same destination. Or as my mom loves to say, and I'm repeating, there are several ways to skin a cat. So don't punish yourself, when things don't work out the way you thought they would, or the way they should. Find another way to get your goal accomplished. And number 10. Remember that, even as you're loving yourself, you have to remember your huma- ness. So that means that you're not going to be happy all the time. So at those times, when you're not feeling your best, just lean into those moments, and know that it's okay to do so. So ladies, isn't it time for you to start loving yourself unconditionally, and unapologetically? I want you to know that you deserve it! So you know, the educator in me is not going to allow you to end this episode right here. You know that right? There have to be some next steps. So, what positive action are you going to take? Are you going to choose one of my suggestions? Or do you have one of your own that you will start with? I'd love to hear from you. And if you loved this episode, please let me know in the comments. It will only take you two minutes and you'll be helping me build a better plane. Remember, building the plane while flying it. Until next time, this is PK sending you much light and a whole lot of love.