BBR #194: Learning to be enough for ourselves

Episode Description: In this episode, I reflect on recent visits with my family and how they've brought up deep feelings of inadequacy and the desire to prove myself. I’ve realized how much I’ve tried to show that I’m smart, successful, and have my life together—even though I know that no one really has it all figured out.

I talk about the pressure I’ve felt to meet my family’s expectations and how it’s clashed with my own priorities, things that bring me joy but aren’t always understood or accepted by those closest to me. I also share the story behind a special tattoo I got in memory of my brother and how losing him has influenced my journey of self-discovery.

This episode is about more than just family dynamics. It’s about the internal work of learning to be enough for ourselves, even when we feel judged or misunderstood. I discuss the importance of self-respect, emotional regulation, and living a life that feels true to who we are, rather than trying to fit into someone else’s idea of what our life should look like.

Get in there and give it a listen! 

Key Topics:

• The challenges of seeking approval from family
• The significance of personal choices
• The impact of my brother’s death on my journey of self-discovery
• The ongoing work of self-acceptance and emotional regulation
• The importance of valuing our own opinions over others’ judgments

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

what is up? Hello there, my name is jessica patching bunch, you can call me jpb, and this is brain body resilience. This is a podcast dedicated to growth, human development and stressing a little bit less so you can go ahead and live a little bit more.

Speaker 2: 0:27

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to the Brain Body Resilience Podcast. I'm your host, jpb, and this is episode number 194. This episode is inspired by my family, which has been kind of a theme recently and I want to share because I know that for so many of us this is such a complicated relationship or piece of our lives that contributes a lot to our stress, anxiety and a lot of kind of confusion. So I was visiting my family this last weekend and I've seen them several times in the last few months, which is more than usual, and each time I see them it is the same and different. I feel like kind of like I'm at a job interview where I can't really be myself and I'm trying to be on my best behavior and worried that they're not going to like me. And I realized this time that I've always tried so hard to prove that I am good enough, that I'm smart and successful and have my shit together so that they will I don't know like me or think I am good enough. And you know I don't have my shit together because, excuse me, I don't think that that's actually a real thing that anyone does, even when it looks like someone has it all together from your point of view. Everyone is just trying to figure out how to, excuse me, have something in my throat. Everyone's just trying to figure out how to life and I don't know when I started trying to prove to them that I was enough, when I started feeling like they really just don't like me or approve of me, and I think that they probably don't actually approve of a lot of things about my life. They think I spend too much money frivolously because I travel places, which is a priority of mine. I love traveling and I would rather and I do spend my money on travel over most other things. We don't have like a big TV or lots of shiny things. We like to travel and see the world and learn about all of the beautiful places and people out there, and I can't really see a better way to spend my time and money and in any case, it makes me happy, and so I do it. But not understood by everyone, and that everyone being my family. I have tattoos and I keep getting more because I wanted to get tattoos since I was a teenager and I never did. I didn't get my first tattoo until I was 35, after my brother died. It's kind of a tribute to him. It says just hold on for one more day, with some musical notes that are the keys to the song.

Speaker 2: 3:23

He loved music. Anyone who knew him knew that. All kinds of music, a lot of 80s music, a lot of really shitty music, and he would play it really loud and sing it. He actually used to get really get really drunk and call me in the middle of the night and want me to listen to songs that he was listening to and it was kind of annoying. Even when I wanted to talk I had to get up for work or school or both, and I knew that this was the only time and the only way that he felt comfortable reaching out and I knew it was him reaching out for connection that he desperately needed. Even though I didn't know that like I do now, I always felt bad having to tell him that I needed to hang up. So, anyways, he really loved music and he loved Wilson Phillips and one time we were at a dive bar together Right after my divorce.

Speaker 2: 4:22

I was 21 and thought my life was over and I was incredibly depressed and, um, he, you know, I didn't know what to do my do with myself and he played that song at the bar because, I don't know, I guess they just let him DJ when he was there. I don't, I don't really know, but somehow that happened and it's that. If you, if you don't know, look it up, but I know that there is pain. Just hold on for one more day. I'm not going to keep singing that, but if you don't know, look it up, it's great. So I got those lyrics tattooed on me and I just keep getting more tattoos because I've always wanted them and I am almost 40. So I am going to do whatever the fuck I want to do with myself and my life, and a lot of that has come because of losing my brother.

Speaker 2: 5:17

I am still here and I am choosing to live and learn and be bold about it, and this is very much a one step forward, two steps back process of stepping out of the box that I have shrunk myself into for so long. So some days it feels very bold and others it definitely does not. My newest tattoo is an under boob piece on my rib cage, and I was texting some friends about the artwork before I had it done and said something about the artwork being, you know, fierce as fuck, because I am, you know, fierce as fuck, because I am, and immediately I felt so embarrassed that I had the audacity to say that about myself. Embarrassed that I was confident about myself. And it makes me sad to say that and reflect on that. And that was just in the last couple of months.

Speaker 2: 6:14

I am learning and unlearning and uncovering myself from the layers of trauma and coping, and so bringing it back to having this understanding that my family doesn't approve of me or the decisions that I make, and they say that they love me and make it clear in words, but I'm pretty sure that they don't maybe really like me or maybe everything isn't about me and they've got their own shit going on that they're dealing with, and it's probably more the latter, but I still feel like they just don't like me. And so, bringing this full circle, I try to prove that I am enough, that I I am worth liking, loving and being around for. And it wasn't always like that when I was young. I remember having fun and connecting with my family and I don't know what changed. But now I reflect on that time and that was the only safe place that I had. I knew when I was staying summers or just with them anytime that I was safe and that being with them was safe, and that was the only place that I knew that for sure. Most other areas and environments in my life were not safe and maybe that's why it hurts so much feeling like I am not wanted there. I do imagine that has a lot to do with it. I'll probably unpack that with my therapist at some point. And so now it doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel like a safe place to be myself, to celebrate the life I'm creating and I have worked so hard to have. And you know I don't have a ton of money or a giant house or whatever other things we're supposed to have. I live in a small apartment and I love it. My home is my favorite place to be. It's beautiful and it's safe and comfortable and filled with joy and laughter, and I could not have imagined that to be possible because I had never seen it.

Speaker 2: 8:16

I have worked really, really hard to start living with intention and learning and growing and unlearning, to address the 20 years of trauma in my formative years, the violence and abuse and eating disorders and the lasting effects of all of that hating myself, hurting myself, having just zero respect for myself and having such low self-esteem that I didn't think I deserved anything. I remember working at BMW doing accounting and I needed to make more money to keep living on my own, to keep living on my own, and my aspirations were just not aspirational. I remember thinking I could be, I could get one of those jobs, flipping signs, which there's nothing wrong with that. But my next thought was you know, I could just rent a storage unit and get a heater and live in the storage unit for like $150 a month, as opposed to the 800 I was paying for rent. And those are just some examples of my ideas of what I was capable of, and they were so low. The bar was on the ground and I let people just walk straight over that Because I didn't have any idea that I was worth more, that I deserved more. And at one point I told someone in a relationship that I deserved better. And I was point. I told someone in a relationship that I deserved better and I was really just telling myself, but I still didn't really believe it.

Speaker 2: 9:46

I'm really just on so many tangents here and I'm not sure what my original point for this episode was. But here we are. I had to look back at my notes here. So I've worked really hard to change the relationship I have with myself, which has changed how I relate to look back at my notes here. So I've worked really hard to change the relationship I have with myself, which has changed how I relate to the world around me, to the people around me, and I am really proud of myself. My life looks so different now the joy I'm able to feel, the grief and sadness and anger that I am able to feel and express, and the confidence that I'm building along the way, feel and express, and the confidence that I'm building along the way.

Speaker 2: 10:21

I respect myself now and that is a huge reason. I do the work to live better than I ever did, to treat myself better than I ever have. I eat things that nourish my body's ability to grow and keep me alive, not because I want to shrink myself or restrict myself for whatever reason. I move my body now because I can, because it keeps me going. It literally keeps you alive. Your brain and body need movement and for the first time, I am choosing to do that out of love and respect for myself and not because I hate myself and want to shrink and change my body. I celebrate all the little wins, the little things, and I will admit that this one is still really hard for me. But I keep trying and that's why I'm so proud of myself.

Speaker 2: 11:14

I keep trying and keep learning to be better to myself and so much of that comes from the practice of emotional regulation and nervous system regulation and learning to pay attention to what my body's telling me again, still very much a work in progress and never ending learning, but without the ability to have basic grounding and open up the window of tolerance to hold all of this complexity, all of the feelings, all of the things I'm working through, and be able to manage the intense feelings and reactions and be able to be in the storm without getting swept away. That is the first step to actually being able to address the deeper layers, to be able to be in the storm without getting swept away, that is the first step to actually being able to address the deeper layers, to be able to have the space to witness the thoughts that are repeating over and over again how am I talking to myself? How am I reacting to things and notice what that feels like in my body? All of the growing and learning and unlearning requires a foundation of nervous system hygiene and learning to self-regulate. This is the foundation for everything else, and so, with all of that, I am learning that I don't need to prove to anyone that I am worth liking or that I am enough. I just have to believe it myself. And that is the journey that I am on.

Speaker 2: 12:37

Other people family, friends, random people I don't know and still worry about their opinions. They can all disagree and dislike and have opinions about me, and they will. And so the voice that is always louder, the voice that's always with you, that you can't escape from, that is your voice, the person whose opinion matters most about you. If you are enough, if you are likable, that person is you. We will never not care about what other people think.

Speaker 2: 13:09

It is a survival thing, social survival used to be, necessary for physical survival and it's still pretty high up on the needs that we have for social connection. So I don't think that we will ever not care. But what if we just care what we think about ourselves more? What if we are enough for ourselves? What if we like ourselves? What if we belong to ourselves? What if we have the love and acceptance that we have been trying to get somewhere else for ourselves?

Speaker 2: 13:45

So this is just some thoughts of mine, some reflections in my life right now, and maybe something to think about. If it is something that lands for you, I am going to leave it there today, as always. Thank you for being here, thank you for your time and attention. I know that you could be doing anything else, spending your time in any other way, and you choose to be here, and I'm so, so grateful, and I'm so grateful that y'all reach out with questions and telling me what connects and what lands for you, and I really love to connect Because, again, I keep saying this, I'm talking into my microphone and while I enjoy that, I really enjoy hearing from y'all, and so thank you for that. I am going to wrap this up. So that's all for today, until next time. I am wishing you a beautiful week, peace.