And They Were Roommates

5: You Asked, We Answered!

• Quaple Network • Season 1 • Episode 5

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This episode we went through some of the questions you folks sent in and decided to just get a whole bunch done in one fell swoop!

Our topics ending up spanning things from serious to fun: coming out, weird fears and joys, being demiromantic, and some stuff about our anniversary and relationship. We really had fun doing a listener question special, so let us know if this format works for you and if you'd like to see us do it again from time to time.

If you loved this episode, please subscribe, tell your friends, and leave a comment! Want to help pay Foxglove and get access to amazing bonus content? Consider joining our fan community on Patreon. You can also find us on Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter. We answer at least one listener question every episode. You can email us at quaplenetwork@gmail.com with your questions about life, relationships, polyamory,  or anything really. 

A big thank to molly ofgeography for the use her song Hanahaki (Bloom) for our music.

And remember, we believe in you!

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Sunflower:

Hey y'all, I'm Sunflower.

Iris:

I'm Iris.

Foxglove:

I'm Foxglove.

Sage:

And I'm Sage.

Sunflower:

And this is And They Were Roommates, a podcast about modern love, life, and everything in between.

Iris:

Disclaimer, we are not experts at being adults. We've just lived through a lot. This week, we're going to be answering some questions from our wonderful listeners! We went through some of the questions folks sent in and pulled out the ones that would be easiest to answer and decided to just do a whole bunch all at once.

Sunflower:

Yeah, let's hop right into it!

Foxglove:

All right. So I'll start, I have the first question from one of our Patreon subscribers, Gareth. And Gareth wants to know, how did you come out to the people in your life / strangers, and how do you de-stress about doing it?

Sage:

Hmm.

Sunflower:

That's a good one.

Sage:

Yeah.

Foxglove:

Yeah. Does anyone

Sage:

Lot of different answers for that one.

Foxglove:

have a strong desire to kick us off on that? Or should I go for it?

Sunflower:

I mean, if you have a strong desire, you should go for it.

Sage:

Take us away.

Foxglove:

Well, I think we've talked before about how... to some extent coming out is sort of a cost-benefit analysis. Especially if you have, for example, kind of like a tiered identity, like myself. I'm more likely to come out to a stranger who I meet in an environment that doesn't affect my ability to, say, keep a job, or get medical care. And in those environments, I'll tell any fucking idiot that I'm queer or trans or poly, like, it just, it doesn't, like, register if it's a person who doesn't have any power over my life. On the other hand, I go to a lot of doctors because I have some chronic health issues. And yeah, sometimes I have like, been outed at a doctor or come out at a doctor's office and that's gone badly for me. Um, so to some extent, I don't de-stress about it. A because I have anxiety, but B because like, sometimes it does affect my life in a way that I'm not super comfortable with gambling on.

Sunflower:

Yeah, like, sometimes it really matters.

Foxglove:

Yeah, like you know, I went to a doctor recently, who pretty much stopped taking me seriously once her intern corrected her on my pronouns. And that's not a unique experience. So, to some extent, like I'm very open about being queer. I'm cagier about being trans.

Sunflower:

For the record, that's super fucked.

Foxglove:

Yeah, it is.

Sunflower:

And we would love that to never happen again.

Foxglove:

Yeah. And you know, it's one of those things where in a perfect world, it wouldn't be a concern. But we live in the real world where sometimes the environment you're in affects how you come out.

Sage:

Absolutely.

Foxglove:

I do, I will say though, I occasionally come out as poly specifically as a fuck you to a very specific kind of person who I used to work with a lot as an EMT, including one memorable conversation where a guy I was working with went on and on about how girls only like guys that treat them like shit. And my response was Well, I have two girlfriends and a boyfriend, so you get back to me on how that's working for you. And we didn't have any further conversation for the four hour drive. It was incredible.

Sage:

That's the biggest power move that i think i've ever heard of from you it's spectacular.

Foxglove:

Closed his bullshit down on the spot. It was so vindicating.

Sunflower:

Yeah. Absolutely.

Sage:

I think I've got obviously a different perspective, because I'm a white cis man. So I don't face the problems that you have with coming out. But I am bisexual and I am poly. And I'm mostly comfortable not disclosing that, unless it's to a group of people who, like you said, like I don't work with and don't have the power to affect my life in any meaningful way. Like we've got

Foxglove:

You're a private dude in general as well.

Sage:

We've

Sunflower:

Yeah, I think that's, for the record.

Sage:

Yeah, that's, that's fair. I don't typically say a lot about myself unless asked and even... A lot of times, if you ask me directly about something, I will say Yes, I am bisexual or Yes, I am poly. But it's it's not something that I typically volunteer about myself. Unless it's in a socialsocial situation with a bunch of people that I don't know, probably won't come into contact with again, or where I might potentially make new friends who will be okay with the fact that I'm poly. That's always a plus.

Sunflower:

It is. That's always a fun thing. I have a split one. I'm super not out to like my... well, I shouldn't say that I guess anymore. Part of my family knows about being pan and being poly and some of it doesn't. i.e. my parents, my parents do not know. And I'm like, working on how I feel about that. Cuz I, at some points and everything too I have like, a pretty good relationship with my parents but also like we don't get along on a lot of things. I can black and white this. My parents are very Republican and pretty frickin conservative.

Sage:

Yeah there you go.

Sunflower:

And from a rural town in the northeast.

Sage:

Just gotta say it.

Sunflower:

Yeah...

Foxglove:

Sometimes you just gotta be blunt.

Sunflower:

Exactly. So like, the idea of coming out to them is even... it, is probably worse than what it would actually be in person. Like, I really think I could come out to my parents, and it would be awkward, and they would have a hard time with it. But I don't think that they would be like, super shitty or disown me. But like, the idea that that's like a potential or just like... it's almost worse to be like, they're going to be okay with me, but they'll continue saying kind of shitty things to like the general queer community, but just because I'm their daughter, it's okay.

Sage:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

And that makes you feel like kind of wonky. But I will say I'm very open in like social situations. And also like, we live in New York City. So like, yeah, I'm pretty out, there. I also like, I don't always black and white like, I am pan and polyamorous, it's more often like, My partner and my partner and my partner.

Sage:

Yeah, it just comes out as a natural part of the conversation without a label on it.

Iris:

Yeah. Do you want talk at all Sun about coming out to coworkers or your boss and stuff like that? Because you and I are both pretty out at work? I don't know if you want to speak to that at all.

Sunflower:

Yeah, why don't I start and then you could pick up where you feel

Iris:

Yeah, absolutely.

Sunflower:

like it? Yeah. Um, so Iris and I are very privileged to have a workplace that's pretty cool with us.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

So Iris and I are both part of our like, workplace's gay club, which is really cute.

Iris:

I like the idea of calling it a gay club, instead of an employee resource group.

Sunflower:

I likeit's a gay, it's a gay club. So we do that like, monthly-ish, and also like, we're part of leadership so we do a little more than that. But through just being part of that, like all of our coworkers know that we're like, somehow queer? Maybe don't know the exact labels of it and everything. But everyone at work kind of knows that we are because we're associated with this group. And that's pretty cool. And like, I've never felt anything like super weird about that. And like, my boss has never like invaded on that. And also, like recently, I had to... recently in a conversation about like finances and how I was doing emotionally with my manager and everything, I actually came out as poly, because I got engaged to one of my partners, but a different partner's on my health insurance. So it brought up some questions. And he like, super rolled with it. He's always an awkward guy, but it was really just like, I was like, Well, I'm polyamorous, in like, one breath? And he was like, Oh, yeah, okay, theyright. Uhmm-hmm, right, definitely.

Sage:

I was, I was in the other room for this conversation. And I heardit was like, pretty much exactly that phrasing, yeah. It waslike it, I felt really bad for just sort of having to come out like that, but also seemed like it ended up pretty well in the end.

Sunflower:

It was relevant, and honestly like, it's kind of nice to have like this better understanding because like, him and I are pretty close, as like managers and subordinates can be and everything. But like, it was nice for him to just, like, kind of know a little bit more about like, my home life, because at this point, he already knows that I live with, he already knows that, like, three of us work for the same company together. So like, that also, you know, it's, it, butand they were roommates! You know? Like, in that way.

Foxglove:

Oh, my God, they were roommates!

Iris:

Yeah, and the thing is that like, you and I already like, because we work on the same team. Like everybody kind of had to have some sort of idea that something was like, different about our relationship. Because like, I would just like, go over to your desk while you like had like run to grab water or something. And like, if I arrived at your desk, and you weren't there, I would just start pawing through your stuff, sitting in your chair. Like...

Sunflower:

Yeah like you would just take what you needed because like, I'm the kind ofI'm a mom at heart. I'm a mom. I have, do not have any children but I am a mom at heart. So I always have like, snacks and extra chapsticks and usually some drinks in my purse.

Sage:

You have supplies!

Sunflower:

Sometimes I have a cardigan. Yeah, a cardigan, a sweater, sometimes a scarf.

Iris:

One as if you didn't have three cardigans on the back of your chair at all times.

Sunflower:

Look, our heat was broken for an entire winter in that room, it was so goddamnthere were times when I wore multiple cardigans.

Iris:

Yeah, yeah, no it was really a problem. But yeah, so, so like that, that's kind of how it's tended to come out at work specifically as well is just like, something happens and it just kind of organically like we come out, and we're very lucky that that's always been like, we've always felt safe to do so in that circumstances, but I can also talk, I think I'mis it safe to say I'm the most out as polyamorous specifically at this point?

Sage:

Yeah, about even.

Foxglove:

I'm also very out?

Iris:

Yeah, I was also I was gonna say, um just quantity of people I know.

Foxglove:

Oh, yeah, no, I, I don'tI know four people other than you guys and two of them are my parents. Like...

Sunflower:

My awkward part too is like I'm out to like a lot of people, just not my parents and one of my brothers.

Sage:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

And like that's a weird thing too. But like literally everyone else in my life like, knows?

Iris:

Yeah.

Foxglove:

Yeah. I'm very out to the people in my life, there's only like six of them though.

Iris:

Yeah so like that's, that's more what I meant is like you can measure the quantity of people a little bit different.

Foxglove:

Yeah. I'm a diehard introvert. We can, we can acknowledge this.

Iris:

Yeah, yeah.

Sunflower:

Are you just trying to flex though?

Iris:

No, no

Sunflower:

Is this a poly flex?

Iris:

No this isn't a polyamorous flex. No, I meant more in that I've had, especially recently, a lot of occasions of coming out in potentially stressful situations, I've been doing that a lot is more what I meant?

Sage:

You have practice.

Iris:

Just quantity of times that I've been coming out lately.

Sunflower:

Yeah, Iris, I think you should really get intospecifically for the how do you de-stress, because I think the rest of us are just incredibly anxious beans so like...

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

It comes out wrong or randomly or like spontaneously, and everything. But Iris, you really like prepped this. And I think that's important to talk about.

Foxglove:

Because we also, we've talked a lot collectively about like coming out to strangers, but like people in our lives, that's a more difficult question, right? Like, my, my parents are supportive, but my dad has had a really hard time with all of it. And like, it's easy for me to come up to like a total stranger on the street so it's fine don't worry about it, like that doesn't always translate to a personal life.

Sage:

Yeah, and I mean, even my family who are great and would definitely take it totally fine, I'm still worried about.

Iris:

Yeah there's still an anxiety there.

Sage:

And as much as I know, they're going to be totally fine with it, it still is just something that I'm working up to and planning for. So it's a long-term thing,

Foxglove:

Especially because like even if someone, you know, comes around and is fine, and like gets their act together or whatever, if someone says something hurtful right off the bat, like that's still gonna leave a mark.

Sage:

Yeah. It still, it just changes the relationship in a way that you can't recover after it's happened.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sage:

And that's always just a stressful thing to even anticipate let alone actually act on.

Iris:

Yeah. Yeah. And I think especially with coming out as polyamorous specifically. Because like there's, there's a different layer to, of coming out depending on the type of thing you're coming out as, whether you're coming out as trans or you're coming out as queer or bisexual. Like there's different stereotypes. There's different levels of societal acceptance at this point. There's different levels of like the people who you know, and their familiarity with it. And there's something specific about... when I was prepping to come out as polyamorous, that was uniquely stressful in a different way than any time that I just come out as bisexual or queer. And I think a big part of it, is that there's no script for it. There's no Oh, okay, I've seen TV shows, or movies, or books or something with a lot of queer experiences, but I haven't seen a lot of that with people coming out as polyamorous. So it kind of feels like there's less of a roadmap for how that's supposed to go.

Sage:

Absolutely.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Iris:

And there's also this sense of like, even if somebody might be accepting of it, they're probably gonna have a lot of questions, because it's something that is even less talked about, or even less, like, kind of on the public consciousness in average society. Everybody just like, assumes the default of monogamous in a similar way to everybody 10 years ago, wouldor even more recently, would assume the default of trans or queer, is that like that you're not queer or trans. And not that those things aren't still a thing, but there's just no roadmap for polyamory. So Well and that was like, I've even talked about, like, in the idea of coming out as pan and everything like, do I come out as bisexual? Is that easier? Because at least people know what that means. Because like, a lot of people don't talk about pansexuality, and like, what it actually means and why it's different than bisexuality. And like, in a lot of ways, it's not. And then a lot of ways it also is.

Sunflower:

And then in a lot of ways it is!

Sage:

Yeah, there's some overlap, but then there's also a lot of important differences.

Sunflower:

Yeah! But it's like, if you come out to people who have such like, a small understanding of the queer community and all these terms and everything, do you at least make it like, quote unquote, easier on them to understand what you're saying and everything.

Sage:

Right. Try and use language they might have heard previously.

Iris:

Yeah. Yeah, so, so first of all, one of the things that I highly recommend when it comes to any sort of coming out, but specifically polyamory, since most people don't have a roadmap, is start with just like, something simple. And it can be as simple as opening the conversation, this is how I've come out to a lot of people especially people are more comfortable coming out with, but that are still close to me and that it was still a stressful thing about, is just that question of Do you know what polyamory is? And just see what they say. Because you haven't even come out yet. You're just posing a hypothetyou're not even posing a hypothetical, you're just asking them if they have any context for the thing you're about to come out as.

Sage:

Good litmus test.

Foxglove:

I also recommend that for coming out as nonbinary, which I tend to run into a similar issue with. I joke about it being like coming out challenge mode, where you ha e to, like, define a bunch f terms first.

Iris:

Yeah! Any time you have to define terms while you're coming out, it just adds an additional layer of stress.

Foxglove:

Yeah. So like that, that opener of like, Okay, do you even know what this is, we can go from there, like, it's really it's really smart.

Sunflower:

At least to make sure you're on the same page.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Make sure you're reading the same book.

Foxglove:

God, yeah.

Iris:

So I had two close family members that I came out to like, each individually over the phone. And both of the times I started with, like, Do you know what this is? And usually got, like a, either yes or, like, I got, I think one time I got a, like, Kind of? And then we, I kind of defined what it meant to me really quick, and then went into the, so I just wanted to tell you that I am polyamorous and that I'm with the three people you know I live with, including my partner you do know about, and kind of just seeing like how that was taken. And for the most part, it's like, on one hand, it's complicated and stressful, and there's a lot of build-up. But in my experience with people who are chill, there's maybe like some confusion or some clarifying that needs to be done. But for the most part, people are just like, oh, okay, yeah, I guess that makes sense. And then like, you can crack jokes about like, Oh, well, it's so much cheaper to live with, you know, four people in New York City, as opposed to two people in New York City. Or, don't youor like, especially if they're parents and they're monogamous like, Don't you wish you could have raised kids with four adults instead of two adults?

Sunflower:

My sister's first joke was, Wow, those extra hands really would have helped with sleep training.

Iris:

Exactly, exactly. So

Sage:

Especially when two of y'all don't sleep.

Iris:

Exactly, we have opposite schedules, it's going to be perfect for having

Foxglove:

Insomnia... kids. But yeah, so like, there's, there's that. So I think part of the de-stressing in advance is like, having Well in so many queer identities too, people really want to know script for yourself. And becaus there isn't a script, this i the best I can offer is just tr to go in with some expectation of what you want to say when i comes to like how you defin polyamory, or whatever you'r coming out as, and also, know t e stereotypes. Know the things t at people tend to ask or say t at might be super uncomfortab e, and prepare yourself in advan e so you feel like you have a script to fall back on. Becau e that's what always helps e with, with trying to, like, ta e some of the burden of stress o f of it in advance. about your sex life. Like, you're welcome to say whatever you want, based on how you feel about that and everything, but also like they have no right to know that. Yeah, that's private information.

Sunflower:

Yeah. And you can tell them that. Yeah. Like, I don't go around asking heterosexual couples what they're doing in bed.

Foxglove:

Yeah. I field a lot of weird questions about sex, and my default answer is, You would never ask a straight person that, and if you did, they'd be within their rights to punch you. So I'm gonna advise that you not ask trans people that anymore.

Iris:

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And like that, like I, I've had even when, like, ultimately, we've arrived at some sense of support, I've had really uncomfortable coming outs. So that happens sometimes, like I had a set of family members I came out to at the same time, who didn't react terribly, they didn't disown me, they didn't, you know, kick me out. But there were those uncomfortable questions. The first thing out of one of their mouths was about, well, How does that work with your sex life? That's super inappropriate. But like, I'm also somebody who's super comfortable about talking about sex. So thankfully, I was also braced for that in the back of my head as well and I had a stock answer that I was prepared to, to bring to the table with that. And then sometimes I've had really, really short really good coming outs where it's just been like, Okay, so like, this is a thing and that person being like, Okay, I've shifted my worldview. Got it, you're good. Like that's, that's super cool. Or, I get where you're coming from, I understand that. And obviously, it's easier to come out to somebody who's already part of the queer community.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Iris:

And also it can be a really amazing opportunity for maybe somebody has something to tell you as well. That's happened to me as well with a family member where I came out to them as polyamorous and they felt comfortable to come out to me as a shade of queer. So it can be a really affirming and good experience, it can be a super uncomfortable experience, but if you go in prepared with your script and knowing that regardless of how that person reacts, it's their problem. You are valid, you are loved by this community, and you, you will have you, know, a community to fall back upon if anybody reacts poorly, because if somebody reacts poorly, even in the moment, they might still come around, they might still be able to sit with it for a while, especially something that they're really unequipped for or unprepared on the societal spectrum for like polyamory, they might need some time, then we need to work through some stuff. But as long as you equip yourself with, you know, some expectations on how they might react, and then try to not build it up too much in your head and just do it, that's been my experience of like, the best way to go about it, for me, at least.

Sunflower:

I think also something that Iris did, and also like therapists will recommend and everything too, is, make sure you have like, an out strategy, if the worst does come to pass. So like, just make sure you're not trapped in a place and make sure that you're safe, make sure you know that you can leave if things do happen.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Iris:

I also highly recommendI've come out over the phone more often than I've come out in person, especially in this global pandemic. Maybe it's, now, now is a really good moment to come out to some of your relatives that you might otherwise be uncomfortable coming out to, by giving them a phone call because then if they react poorly, you can hang up the phone. Highly recommend it. People get like, I even got weirdly like wrapped up in like the Oh, I feel like this is something I should tell them in person and stuff like that. You don't owe them anything. So if what's safest and best for you is to do it over the phone, do it over the phone! If you really want to have that experience in person, I did not think that the people that I told that I told in person, were going to react poorly, but I still had a plan of like, Okay, here's where I'll go. Here's how I get a ride home. Here's how I do X, Y and Z thing to make sure that I was being safe and felt equipped to go into that situation. That's a really good point.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

I think we should, we should move.

Foxglove:

Yeah, I think we're good.

Iris:

Yeah, that was a long topic. Sorry.

Sunflower:

I didn'tno it's so important, though.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

I don't know, it's nice to be able to

Foxglove:

Coming out is hard and scary!

Sunflower:

Yeah! Here's some things, and also we love you.

Sage:

You're drawing the start of the roadmap that we didn't have.

Foxglove:

Yeah, exactly.

Sunflower:

Absolutely.

Foxglove:

Coming out is hard, and it's scary, and it's okay for it to be something that is intimidating. That being said, as long as you feel like you're safe to do so, the worst case scenario is probably not that dire.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Yeah, and it is helpful to like run through those scenarios with somebody you trust.

Foxglove:

There's, there's really a lot to be said for sitting down with someone you trust and being like, Okay, here's the absolute direst, worst case scenario, and here's how I'm going to deal with it. And personally, that's a major way I manage my anxiety is feeling like I'm equipped for that worst case scenario, because it means that if it comes to pass, I'm going to be okay.

Iris:

And also, it's probably not going to be the most dire situation so that anything else you feel super handled and super equipped for. Yeah.

Sunflower:

So true...

Foxglove:

Yeah. Like, it depends on the scenario, but like, as a rule, if you're coming out as something that you're going to need to define, ask that question first, don't open with the coming out. It just makes it all go a lot smoother. And if you're coming out to just like, random folks who don't run any part of your life, it's okay. Like take some deep breaths, give it a whirl.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Also, like they're great practice.

Foxglove:

Yeah, the old thing about using like, other names at Starbucks if you're like, trans and closeted and starting to consider coming out to people, that barista is not going to remember you.

Iris:

Yeah.

Foxglove:

I have trotted out plenty of names on baristas, it is fine.

Iris:

Yeah! And also, I do just want to like put in one last plug, before we move on that come out when you're ready, too. Like, it's okay to be in the closet longer if that's what's right for you, it's okay to come out when it's time for you even if you don't feel like the people around you might be ready. Like it's the coming out should really be about you and about your readiness and your experience and what you want to do. I finally got to the point where I was like, I'm gonna start coming out to family members, because I'm sick of not being out. And that's just not worth it for me anymore. But it's all about whatever is right for you. And there's no shame in hanging out in the closet for a little longer if you need the extra time.

Sunflower:

And like it's okay if you need to tell your partners you need to wait too. I mean like as you can see, we're perfectly split half and half, and that's totally fine. We all have ways that we are out and we have ways that we share our identities that feel safe and right for all of us.

Iris:

Exactly. So full full spectrum of experiences.

Sunflower:

That is the helpful part of us four!

Foxglove:

I think the TL;DR is like, take some deep breaths. It's gonna be okay. Like, the community has your back.

Iris:

Yeah! And we love you and are proud of you!

Sage:

We believe in you. Had to put it in there.

Iris:

Want to hit us with our next question, Sage?

Sage:

Yeah, so this one comes from Tumblr user curious-by-nature-ashandant. What's something you are oddly scared of, and something that makes you weirdly happy?

Sunflower:

I can start this one if you want, unless Sage you want to start us?

Sage:

Yeah, I have a few answers to this one actually. Yeah, oddly scared of... Well I'll start with the heavy one which is losing my memory, which isn't really a weird one my grandfather had Alzheimer's and watching that was a little bit yeah. So that's definitely something that I'm weirdly scared of. And I don't think I really need to go into much more detail about that.

Foxglove:

Yeah no.

Sunflower:

That's super legit.

Sage:

On And very relatable. a lighter note... so I have this weird thing with fruit and

Sunflower:

I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that!

Sage:

for the life of me, I have no idea where it came from, It is a stubborn one. Do we want to do all scares and then we'll but I justother than like a couple of specific exceptions and some fruits that are in things like blueberry muffins or something, I just won't eat most fruit, and it's just this like weird phobia that I developed at some point when I was super young. And I still have not managed to get over it and it's truly bizarre and yeah, that's really all I've got about, about this one. I don't know where it came from, and it's apparently here to stay. So, cheer do all happies?

Iris:

Yeah i like that idea.

Foxglove:

Yeah, I think so.

Sunflower:

Um, I have... I don't have a ton of like weird things I'm afraid of, I have completely logical things and I'm afraid of because of trauma and also being a cis woman in this world.

Foxglove:

Big mood.

Sunflower:

Um, yeah. Oddly scared of theI like, it's not scared, I, but I hate belly buttons. I don't like looking at them. I don't like acknowledging their existence, I don't like other people's or mine, or babies', or anything. I just don't like belly buttons.

Sage:

It's... yeah, I, I don't feel the same way but as a concept, yeah, no, I get what you're, where you're coming from.

Sunflower:

Yeah, and I don't just mean as like a kink or something, I like, I don't even like looking at them in like a beach setting.

Iris:

That's incredible. I don't have that many weird ones as well, like I was trying to really think about this and I think my weirdest one because I just know it's, it's pretty illogical is I've always had a strong phobia of roller coasters for no particular reason. I think it's, it's actually I think I don't like to be on a ride that feels that out of my control, which I know a lot of rides are that way, but I don't know what it is about roller coasters. It's like the combination of the speed, the heights, and the out-of-control-ness I feel. I'm just not good on them. Um, yeah, I don't know if I have any other like super-duper odd ones. I have like, some common human ones like, you know, like fear of losing memory, fear of failure, some trauma stuff. I don't know like I don't

Foxglove:

Weenie about bugs.

Sunflower:

Buggies?

Iris:

Oh, yeah, bugs I hate. I don'tI'm not afraid of them, I just don't like them.

Foxglove:

That is materially false.

Iris:

I don't like them!

Sage:

The screams say that you're wrong.

Iris:

I don'tI don't scream.

Foxglove:

That's not true. Okay, cockroach.

Sunflower:

At one point locked a door, and then wrote a completely logical note at like, 4AM about how there was a bug in her room, and she wasn't fucking dealing with it. I don't even know where you slept that night.

Iris:

I wasn't here. That was when I was younger. I had one time where I slept on the couch. Because I... specifically, I don't even really mind spiders most of the time, especially the bigger the spider is the less I mind to them, like tarantulas, I've had them walk all over me totally fine. However, when I LOSE a spider, like if any bug really, if I can see it, even I don't like dealing with them, I'm kind of a princess. So like, if I can get a partI have three partners, most of the time I can get somebody else to deal with a bug for me, because I really don't like them

Foxglove:

it's usually me!

Iris:

It's usually you, and I really appreciate that Fox. However, I, usually if I can get rid of the bug, it's fine. However, if I lose a bug, that's when I freak out. That is my weird one. Because if I lose a bug, I will do something like when I was younger, I once lost the spider that I was trying to kill in the middle of trying to kill it, and couldn't fall asleep when I tried, so I slept out on the couch.

Sage:

Yeah, that's, that's a valid response, honestly.

Iris:

Yeah. I just don't like to, I don't like bugs that I don't know where they are.

Sunflower:

You like to keep tabs.

Iris:

I like to keep tabs on them. Yeah. No secret bugs. But yeah, that's my oddly scared.

Sunflower:

Alright, Fox, what are you scared of?

Sage:

What do you got?

Foxglove:

Um... hmm. I, similarly, I'm not scared of a lot that is illogical. I am for example, also a little jittery about some amusement park rides, but that's because I was one time at an amusement park while our ride broke.

Sage:

Wait, when you say broke, how dramatically did this break?

Foxglove:

To the best of my knowledge there were no fatalities, but I know there were injuries.

Sage:

Oookay.

Sunflower:

Pretty bad then!

Sage:

Yeah!

Foxglove:

It was one of those swing trees that spin

Sage:

Ooh... yeah.

Foxglove:

So yeah, for example. Not a huge fan of those. In terms of weird stuff, I really, I will handle almost any bug. I don't like the big Weaver spiders. Again, likewise, I usually mind bugs less the bigger they are. However, I was once bitten by like a big Weaver spider. And they're really not that dangerous, normally, you can get bitten by them all goddamn day and you will be fine. I am allergic to them.

Sage:

Because of course you are.

Foxglove:

I am allergic to them. I'm allergic to very few things. But somehow I've encountered all of them. They're all weird and obscure and under no circumstances should I ever have encountered them but I am allergic to big Weaver spiders, and they just make my, they made like my whole leg swell up, and I didn't like that shit at all. I'm legitimately afraid of my computer catching on fire someday, but I think I have concrete evidence for that.

Sunflower:

You do.

Sage:

Yeah, that's, that's a very valid fear.

Foxglove:

Yeah, I think that's kind of it

Iris:

Yeah do you wanna move on to weird joys? Sage?

Sage:

Yeah, I could do that. Um, hmm. Where do I want to start with this one. I really love how much we collectively confuse people when we're out in public. Because when we're at

Foxglove:

It's so funny.

Sage:

a club or a social function, and we're just interchangeably affectionate? Watching the like, double takes and glances that we get is just, it gives me so much joy. And I don't know why. But it's, it's really funny to me.

Iris:

It's very funny.

Sage:

And I miss being out in public and getting to do that. Also the like, practically code-like language that we use to speak to each other within our own home with all of the memes encoded into is, is, is lovely.

Sunflower:

Absolutely.

Iris:

Yeah. Between the weird senses of humor, the weird in-jokes and the memes, like we speak almost a different language when we're just the four of us.

Sunflower:

We also have a lot of call and responses

Sage:

.Yeah.

Foxglove:

Yeah, you guys use me like a soundboard.

Iris:

Yeah, you can start a quote and Fox will just finish it for you, it's very satisfying.

Sage:

And then other, other weird joys like, this is more of a personal one, but specifically going out for drives near rivers because just like, driving by a river in like the early spring when everything is still just like, starting to get growing and just has that like, wet green growing smell, that makes me weirdly happy.

Foxglove:

Mm hmm.

Sunflower:

Um, mine is very specific. And also kind of weird, I guess. Um, I really like textures, and not just like touching them. Sometimes I just like looking at textures, like sea anemones. I'm a really big fan of just looking at photos of sea anemones. It also feeds over into my absoluteI don't even know. My like complete

Iris:

Obsession?

Sunflower:

admiration, yeah, maybe obsession with jellyfish.

Sage:

Yeah, I'd say obsession.

Sunflower:

Love jelly fish. Yeah, I love all of them, I like how their tentacles look, I like watching them swim

Sage:

They make you so happy.

Sunflower:

I like how stupid they are. I love them and they make no sense and they shouldn't live and I love them. But yeah, I really like jellies but I really like, I think it's really about this like, it's all rooted in like, I just really like textures.

Sage:

They do, they do look like they should feel really fascinating, which is extremely unfortunate.

Sunflower:

They should be like slightly overcooked noodles.

Sage:

Just gonna leave that one there.

Foxglove:

No comment.

Iris:

Um, should I go? Uh, I yeah, I've been trying to think I have a couple I really like when you get to cross the last thing off of a to-do list, Sun and I are both very to-do list heavy people and like that last cross off of a to do this for the day is like weirdly super satisfying and brings me a lot of joy. I've thought of a couple other weird ones. I really like, I have a really dumbone of the post it note dispensers, and it just makes me weirdly happy to have to like accordion post-it notes, and to have like I don't know why, they just it's

Sunflower:

You like office supplies.

Iris:

I like office supplies like a lot. Like we have, we have all these like really specific notepads in our home, like we have shopping lists and we have like a meal planning one and we have one that's like, just like notes and we have like a full to do list calendar for an entire month for our podcast, and like I have a week by week breakdown one that I write my to-dos on. So I just like list-making.

Foxglove:

Big prep energy babe.

Iris:

Yeah, big prep energy on me. But um, yeah, those, those were two of them that I thought of, and there was one more but I have forgotten because my brain is Swiss cheese.

Foxglove:

Fair.

Sunflower:

We can come back to you if you remember.

Foxglove:

Um, hmm. I like... I don't know, weird stuff that I enjoy. I can, I enjoy a lot of weird stuff. I'm having some difficulty isolating specifics. Um, I don't know. I like listening to orchestras warm up.

Sage:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

That's fair. Yeah.

Sage:

I can absolutely get behind that, I would listen to an entire CD of that.

Foxglove:

Yeah, like, you know, I, instrumental music I can very rarely listen to an entire 10 minutes of it. I will take a fucking instant nap. But I like listening to orchestras warm up. It's super chaotic, It's really wild, I like trying to pick out individual instruments, I like the way everybody kind of coalesces into being in tune from sounding like total hot garbage. It brings me great joy.

Sage:

Listening to orchestras specifically tune at the beginning

Foxglove:

Yes!

Sage:

of performances.

Foxglove:

It's so good. I'm a big fan.

Sunflower:

Okay. Ready for this next question?

Foxglove:

I think this one's gonna be a nice short definition. So

Sunflower:

Yeah, justyeah

Foxglove:

Sun, take it away.

Sunflower:

All right. This question comes from a bestie on Patreon, our subscriber Kauh, Katherine. Katrian?

Sage:

Katrian!? Were you going for Katreon there?

Foxglove:

Katherine on Katreon?

Sage:

Katreon!

Sunflower:

Okay! This comeswoo! This comes from our bestie on Patreon, Katherine. The term demiromantic has been explained to me in the past, and I always forget what it means. Is it that romanticism is rooted in an emotional connection, or is it being really attracted to someone's mind and intellect? Iris, do you want to hit us with the definition first?

Foxglove:

Our local demir mantic?

Iris:

Yeah, so I'm just gonna pull a quick definition off of Urban Dictionary and then I'm just gonna talk a little bit

Sunflower:

From Urban Dictionary?

Sage:

Yeah, that's the source of choice here?

Iris:

Okay, well, there's Urban Dictionary, there's Queer Undefined, which is like a bunch of different random people just giving definitions, or there's, I did find one from the Asexuality New Zealand Trust, if you think that's a better

Sunflower:

I feel like yeah, we trust the New Zealanders.

Iris:

Or wiki.asexual.org.

Sage:

Whatever feels spiritually correct for you.

Foxglove:

Whatever moves you.

Sunflower:

Honestly, the shortest was probably gonna be the Urban Dictionary.

Iris:

It is. So I'll do that, and I'll also read maybe the one off of

Sunflower:

We can talk about it. You know what it means anyway, just read the definition and then talk about it.

Foxglove:

Yeah, trust yourself a little more, babe.

Sunflower:

That's what we do, we're a podcast.

Iris:

They don't pay us to be accurate!

Sunflower:

We tell people we're not accurate! We're trying our best!

Sage:

Yeah we got a disclaimer

Foxglove:

That's true we include a disclaimer.

Iris:

Yeah. Okay, so the Urban Dictionary definition is when you don't have romantic feelings for someone until you form a strong emotional connection with them. Which I thought was actually a pretty decent like,

Sunflower:

Yeah.

Sage:

Yeah, that's a good sum up.

Iris:

But um, the way I typically define it for myself, and my experience of demiromantic, has been a, I think it's worth stating that it's part of the aromantic spectrum. And obviously, like, aromantic and asexual are like the two different halves of the romantic and sexual orientation chart, where you don't experience romantic feelings in the same way as like the general populace has agreed upon. So, the way I experience demiromantic is that strong emotional connection tends to be very specifically, I do not develop romantic attraction towards a person until I'm like, best friends with them, like known them probably for a couple of years at least, have a strong foundation of trust with them, like

Sunflower:

And probably lived with them for multiple years...

Iris:

yeah. Yeah.

Sage:

Just, just as a hypothetical, though.

Iris:

Just as a hypothetical.

Foxglove:

Crazy random concept.

Iris:

Yeah. So like, one of the things is like, I used to always, I was really glad when I found the demiromantic identity, because it can be something that's super frustrating when everybody around you is like having crushes on a bunch of different people, and is talking about like, romance and dating and marriage and all that different stuff. And like you can't visualize it. And then all of a sudden, you've been friends with somebody for years and a switch flips, and suddenly, it's like, Oh, no, I'm in love with you. Oops.

Sunflower:

And it's usually like, your best friend.

Iris:

Yeah, and a lot of times, that doesn't go well. Because at that point, when you're so far into a relationship, a lot of times you've already kind of strictly defined your relationship as friendship. So that can be challenging at times. However, I've come around on the positive side of it, and that it really does mean that anytime I want to, like, start developing this romantic attachment, it means that I do have that foundation of like a strong friendship, that I'm not starting from nothing when it comes to building a romantic relationship in a romantic partnership. It always means that I have this like strong foundation of trust and this strong foundation of like, I know exactly who this person is. That's why I want to spend the rest of my life with them. So it's, you know, it's definitely just a different way, it's just a different way to feel romantic attraction. And I'm actually, I've really come around to being like, No, I like this about me, this is a cool thing.

Foxglove:

I mean, your hit rate's pretty good.

Iris:

Yeah! Now, you know, like, honestly, I probably have only developed serious crushes for maybe five people in my life, and three of them I'm currently actively planning to spend the rest of my life with. So you know what, pretty good hit rate.

Foxglove:

That's a good hit rate.

Sunflower:

Honestly, I feel like it gets you in less trouble than me at the other end of the spectrum, falling in love with people. All of them.

Foxglove:

Just anybody.

Sunflower:

Couple of them. Around. I mean, like, I told Sage, in full honesty, and incredibly, really, that I was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him at like, day seven of our relationship. And like, yeah, we knew each other before, and were friends and everything. But like, that was me holding back, because like, I probably could have told him that at the end of our first date, because I was already sure. I don't know. And then like

Foxglove:

I adore you.

Iris:

That's so sweet, though.

Sage:

You're just such a lovely person.

Sunflower:

And like, yeah, that was like a little, that was definitely never happened before when I was like, fully in love with somebody that early and everything but like, I did have a foundation with him. But like, I definitely have the problem of like, I've dated so many people because I do form crushes out of nowhere for no particular reason. Someone could be nice to me for like 15 minutes and I'd be like, you want to date? For like six months and just see how it goes?

Sage:

Yeah, I definitely, I definitely feel that for my, my own past relationships. The minute like, an initial attraction is present, the minute like that interest is expressed on both sides, I'm just, I was just gone.

Foxglove:

I require an embossed invitation.

Sunflower:

I'm like, I see a guy walking around in the street that kind of looks a little bit like Hozier and I'm like, Ooh, you want to get married though? Because our babies would be beautiful.

Iris:

You just made Sage do a spit-take, that was perfect!

Sunflower:

I timed it. I was waiting. In the corner.

Sage:

That's so rude!

Sunflower:

No I actually wasn't, but it worked out.

Sage:

I was actually gonna make a hozier joke because I was gonna say Someone New by Hozier playing in the background.

Foxglove:

Yeah, that's the energy!

Sunflower:

Legitimately me. Like

Sage:

You, summed up in a song.

Sunflower:

that, I listened to that song the first time. Yeah, I listened to that for the first time and I was like, Oh, other people feel this way. Shit.

Iris:

No it's so funny too because I, I have a very distinct, like romantic versus sexual attraction as well. Like, I'm very much so of the type of person too that like, is super comfortable like with, like, just sex and sexuality and that sort of stuff. And I just like can so easily develop that sort of attraction towards a person. But like, it's so completely divorced from romantic attraction because of the fact that that I typically don't develop it until way down the road.

Sunflower:

I think it's really funny because you and I are literally opposite on both of these things.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Like I would like a formal written invitation for like anything sexual to happen, but I'm like, but we could date for six months.

Iris:

Yeah, meanwhile, I'm like, Oh, no, we could be like friends with benefits or something like that. But that doesn't mean that like

Sunflower:

But I don't LIKE you.

Iris:

but I don't like, I don't have plans for you long term to be like a romantic partner and someone I raise kids with or get married to and then meanwhile I'm like, turning around and I'm like, I know we've been like really super close like super non-sexual non-romantic friends for years and years now but, just a heads up, I've fallen in love with you. Out of the blue. Woke up one day.

Foxglove:

Direct quote from the conversation that was happening with me in Senior year.

Iris:

Yeah, no, literally I woke upwhen it came to Fox, I literally like woke up with perfect clarity one morning and went Oh, I'm in love with Fox. Oh no.

Sage:

Iris and Fox are the slowest slow burn fic you have ever read.

Foxglove:

Yup.

Sunflower:

True.

Iris:

Literally like stretching over like what, six years to get to the point where we're at now?

Foxglove:

Approaching eight.

Iris:

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's been a long time.

Sage:

Eight goddamn years!?

Foxglove:

Eight for Iris, approaching seven for me.

Iris:

Yeah, well, that's true too. Because, because I, I was like, I had like a besties crush on you. Like I wanted, like I also, something I've been getting more familiar with when it comes to like the ace and aro community is like the queer platonic idea of like people who you get, like super attached to but in like a platonic way. So like I can form these like really strong long-term bonds that have nothing to do with like sex or romance and stuff as well, so that's like another also wonderful part of the ace and aro community. But yeah, anyway. Yeah, romantichumans are weird. We experience romantic and sexual attraction in a lot of different ways. And that's really cool.

Foxglove:

What's the, what's the Star Trek quote? Infinite diversity through infinite combinations.

Sage:

Yeah. Sums it up pretty good.

Foxglove:

Right? I like it. Not to be a total nerd. It's a Vulcan thing. Don't worry about it. I'm showing y'all Star Trek movie night. By the way.

Sage:

You're not fooling anyone.

Foxglove:

I'm showing you guys Star, Star Trek this week.

Sunflower:

I think it's funny cuz you're gonna show us Star Trek, and then we're gonna come back around to my week, and I'm going to just show you guys John Tucker Must Die.

Foxglove:

Great.

Sunflower:

The two halves of this relationship.

Sage:

Infinite diversity guys.

Foxglove:

Through infinite combinations!

Sage:

All right, we want to go to the last question?

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Iris:

Sounds good to me. All right. So, um, this is a wonderful question from our Patreon subscriber Nani. When's your anniversary? Is there any particular reason all four of you respond to ice cream and customer service like it's lighting and romantic music?

Foxglove:

I want to get out ahead of this really quick, and point out that YOU three respond to ice cream and customer service that way, I respond to living in an like, long term home with people and getting a embossed invitation to the tune of like, Hey, would you like to consider an emotional attachment that is reciprocal after a couple of years that way, because I'm deeply obtuse.

Sunflower:

Yeah. And I, I will also say, I, I found out that I liked Sage not in the ice cream shop that we work together in for like three years at that point. Like we went away to a conference, and

Iris:

An ice cream conference.

Foxglove:

An ice cream conference though!

Sunflower:

and that's when I figured it out. Okay.

Foxglove:

I don't think you get points.

Sage:

Yeah you don't babe. Sorry.

Foxglove:

You know, alright, I redact it.

Sage:

We also, we went on, we went on a not-really date where we got milkshakes which contain ice cream, so like even more... no.

Sunflower:

We did, aww!

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

I forgot about that.

Sage:

Ice cream is just, we, we literally got ice cream last night and it was great. It was, we should get more ice cream.

Iris:

Oh I still have mine in the freezer! Hell, yeah.

Sage:

But yeah, so anyone, anyone want to actually give the day of our anniversary?

Iris:

Yeah that we had to executively decide?

Foxglove:

November... 9th?

Sage:

Yeah, that's actually, that's a whole story worth going into, because we had so many different dates that we could have used, nut ultimately, we decided on the day when we were all

Foxglove:

November 9, I NAILED it!

Sage:

permanently moved in together.

Sunflower:

Did you look it up?

Foxglove:

Well, I said November 9th, and then I checked, and I was correct.

Sunflower:

Okay.

Foxglove:

I have the recording, I can prove it.

Iris:

No they said it, I, yeah I could hear that. They were just, they said it very quietly.

Foxglove:

Because I didn't think I was right. I thought I was wrong. I'm terrible at dates.

Sage:

Do we want to take that

Foxglove:

Okay, but Sage did say that weso we executively decided our

Sage:

from the top again?

Sunflower:

No.

Iris:

Oh no, this all stays in.

Sunflower:

So we executively decided our anniversary because like, well, okay, hold on. So the two like couples that make up the quaple, the primary partners?

Iris:

The anchor partners, yeah.

Sunflower:

Yeah. I don't know words. Um, do have their own anniversaries, obvi. But we all decided to be polyamorous and in a relationship together in like a kind of organic way over like a couple of conversations and stuff. So you can't really point to like, Oh, on September 9th we decided it was going to work and we were doing it and we were gonna do this forever. It kind of just happened?

Iris:

So we backdated it.

Sage:

Yeah we did.

Sunflower:

So we backdated it to the date that we all moved in together, which is actually the day that specifically Fox moved into the house that the three of us already lived in together.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

And something just changed.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Cuz like from that day on, we were all like, pretty affectionate and like would cook together, we made only family meals, we always ate at the dining room together. We really like, planned all of our outings together as like a whole, and like...

Iris:

Went on dates together.

Sage:

Do you ever think about how baffling it is that this ended up happening? Like do you ever just like think all the way back through all of the different decisions that we made and like the fact that like, before we even decided to be in a relationship together that we were already basically acting like a family?

Sunflower:

Sage and I decided to move into like, a big house specifically so Iris could be there. And like, also, it had an extra room that just happened to be perfect for Fox to live in too. No big deal, definitely didn't plan that!

Iris:

Yeah, no, it's one of those things where there also, it just like, Fox would come visit us for like long periods of time, because they'd be away for a couple months, and then they would come out and they would visit us because they were currently living with their parents up in Maine, after like, we had shared a room and shared an apartment our last year

Foxglove:

For three years at that point?

Iris:

for three years at that point. So we'd been super used to living together. And I was so depressed with Fox all the way in Maine and me and Massachusetts. So there was that factor too, but it also like, even just in the group, there was a whole dynamic shift whenever Fox was around. Like everything just fell into place whenever Fox was around as well, and we were just like this really functional unit when Fox would come stay for a couple weeks, and then they would go home, and I would get depressed. Careful, you're gonna give me an ego.

Sage:

I think we all did. Like I think that's kind of how a lot of this started is we all realized that whenever Fox went away that we were all just a little bit sad. And we wanted them here all the time.

Sunflower:

Yeah, cuz It was definitely like, I didn't know Fox almost at all. When I was like, No, it's better. And not just Iris. We're all just like, better when they're here, and I don't know why. Then like, also at that point, too like, I wasn't really an active part of like, the queer community, like I've known for a really long time that I wasn't straight, but like, I really didn't know about polyamory, or like, how it was practiced, and how like, all of that works and everything, so like, we started all just living together and doing everything together, and it was always just like, Yeah, our little family. And like, there was never this like, Sage and I are gonna get engaged and move out and have some kids and do the whole like, straight hetero couple, like it just never felt right? Well originally, it was like, Sage and I were gonna buy a big

Sage:

Yeah.

Iris:

There was also this big conversation early on after Fox moved in that was really about the fact that like, no, everybody keeps, like talking about the fact that like, Oh well one day Sage and Sun are going to get engaged and they're going to move out. And they're going to have kids, and like, we don't want that. Like before we were even putting polyamory to it, there was still this very much so sense of like, No, t at would be weird. Like, we do't want to move out, we want.. like, and at first it was li e, Oh, well, you guys will hav kids, but we can all live to estate somewhere and you guys are gonna have a little house on the same property so we can be near each other all the time.

Sage:

Very aspirational I'd like to point out.

Foxglove:

No homo though.

Sunflower:

Yeah, which is totally normal, very heterosexual, super normal.

Iris:

No, and it just, I really love how organically our relationship developed. I also like I had, I've literally only ever had open relationships or some shade of polyamorous relationship or something. So it like, it really felt really organic and right for me, as well. So I don't know how the conversations actually like kind became about that and actually happened. But I think there was like, really a sense of me of being like, This is just fine. Like, regardless of how it works out, I don't care what terms we put to it or whatever. I just want to know everybody's on the same page and that like, we're cool all staying together long term, because it would be a huge bummer if we didn't.

Sunflower:

Yeah. And I think that was, that was really weird ended up of being like, It would be a huge bummer if we weren't all together.

Sage:

We like this and we want it to stay this way.

Sunflower:

And that's when you know you're in a relationship, right? Yeah. Like if you're happier with a person, you're happier with the person then you are separate.

Foxglove:

What else is there?

Sage:

Literally the only criteria for should I be in a relationship with this person?

Foxglove:

Yeah,

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Honestly.

Sage:

Well, alright. Not the only criteria, but an important one.

Sunflower:

Yeah also, you should be like good for each other and be able to have functional conversations and like, communicate. It's a big one, though. It's a big factor

Iris:

It is. And circling back around to the whole ice cream

Sage:

And customer service.

Iris:

and customer service like mood lighting and romantic music, I love this tangent we got on.

Foxglove:

Here's my theory.

Iris:

You have a theory?

Foxglove:

I have a theory. I do. Once you have seen someone having a complete fucking meltdown at like, 10pm on the middle of like the worst week in July, at a customer service job, you have seen the worst that person has to offer. And if you still like them, you should probably get married. That is my theory, I'm only sort of joking.

Iris:

No, that's so fair, though. Because like we really, we went through so much as customer service representatives together. And like specifically, we were all in varying degrees of management together. So like, we, we, we really, and like there was always a sense of like we deeply cared about the people that we had working for us, because we also had a bunch of like, people who were a couple years younger for us that really looked up to us as like, like, parental figures and as the adults, even though we were still super young.

Sage:

There we a lot of people who it was their first job, like this was their entry into the working world and like, we weren't that far out of it ourselves and we wantedwe just felt like we had a responsibility, a deep responsibility that went a lot further than just being like, Okay, you guys have to do your jobs now.

Sunflower:

Well and also like, I don't know if y'all know this, but customer service is hell.

Foxglove:

Yep.

Sage:

If you didn't know, now you know,

Sunflower:

Yeah. We spent a lot of time like, emotionally caring for these other people. And like, there's a natural point of that of being like, these are now all of my 17 children that I take care of emotionally and make sure that they like, drink water and eat regularly and take breaks and like, know they're worthwhile.

Sage:

17, we had 40 of them in the summer.

Iris:

Yeah, we were, we were three co-parents to 40 children.

Foxglove:

Yeah. And I was like the weird relative on call that I would like get a text from Sage that was just like, a picture of an injury and be like, You think this person needs to go to the hospital? and I would be like, Okay, we're doing this now. Great. Cool medical aunt who

Iris:

And also making our ice cream cakes.

Sage:

yeah, who also decorates and makes all our ice cream cakes.

Sunflower:

What's the, what's the non-gendered aunt uncle?

Foxglove:

Yeah. I've heard heard people go with Oncle, and I just, that's bad to say. Bad to say, not in love with listening to it, not gonna let people use it for me.

Sunflower:

For some reason my brain said, instead of like The Man from UNCLE, the nonbinary individual from ONCLE.

Sage:

I gotta say I don't respond to customer service anymore like it is, what is it, mood lighting and romantic music. But the thing, the thing that occasionally reminds me of all of the good moments that we used to have when we were in customer service is whenever we're doing some kind of shared task together, and we just kind of recover that muscle memory of like, this is where this person is going to step, this is what they need, here's how I need to turn to let them by me in this tiny fucking kitchen. And just like, we had this, this sixth sense, between all of us at one point where we were working within what, like a foot of each other at all times, like between the register and the ice cream cabinets and everything else?

Iris:

And moving quick.

Sage:

And moving fast, like sprinting downstairs, upstairs, along the counter. And we didn't have time to like, shout at each other Hey, behind you every time, and we just, we knew.

Sunflower:

You just knew. Yeah. I think the big thing here too, also, as a relation of like seeing everyone at their worst, we saw everyone at their worst and at their best because like, completing lines and doing that stuff really is really successful and feels really good. But also, like, we're an excellent team. And we always have been.

Iris:

Yeah, that's always developed really organically.

Sage:

And we complement each other is the thing. Like there's stuff that I'm better at, because I tend to be a little bit more deliberate. And then there's stuff that you guys are a lot better at, because you think a lot faster on your feet. And that was the reason that we all did so well is because like, I could hang out in the background and try to make a little bit more grand decisions about how the night was going to go and where people needed to be placed and you guys would just execute it. And I didn't need to worry about how because I knew you'd get it done.

Sunflower:

And also just trust.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Like I will say working in customer service and like working in front of people and with food and all that kind of stuff does come with a lot of, you have to trust your co workers. And like, that's a kind of beautiful place to start friendships with and I still have a few friends from that, like outside of this small group too. Because like, there's something about just working for like, sometimes 14-hour days with these other people that you depend on entirely, and like there's, that's a huge level of trust.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Iris:

Absolutely.

Sage:

Also just, getting to the point of a mind meld where you think, Hmm, I need something, and then you turn around, and the person has that thing in their hands and is handing it to you.

Foxglove:

That's a good feeling

Sage:

Isyeah.

Iris:

Yeah, no, there's just this like, this natural extension of yourself with, with the other people around you, which is I think why we like, the show Sense8 so much because it's like, the literal like, fictitious, taking that to the logical extreme of No, what if you actually had like a psychic link with these people, but it just feels so good when you're just so on the same wavelength and so on the same page as somebody all the time.

Foxglove:

It's the modern equivalent of like, a battle couple. You know that trope?

Iris:

Yeah!

Sunflower:

Definitely.

Foxglove:

The shield brothers trope, that's the modern equivalent.

Sage:

Fox, are you telling me that the ice cream store was not a battleground? Becauselook at me, tell me

Foxglove:

That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm saying it's 100% a battleground, that is the modern equivalent.

Sage:

Good.

Iris:

I love it.

Sunflower:

I really like, I like the, the Sense8 angle on that too. Cuz like it really would come in handy to just like, it's just the next step of being able to be in somebody else's body. And you know what, it would have fucking came in handy. I could be so tall as needed. It would be so good for me.

Foxglove:

The dream.

Sage:

Just borrow me for a moment there.

Sunflower:

Yeah, and I also like, we all have our own talents and everything and like, hell yeah, that comes in handy. Like, oh my god yeah.

Iris:

100%! Yeah, no. And before, before we wrap up, have we told the story Sun of how you told me you were into Sage before on the podcast? I'm not sure if it got covered in the Story of Us episode.

Sage:

That's always worth telling again.

Iris:

It's a good story.

Sage:

It's really funny.

Iris:

Quick too and it's directly, directly relevant, is, Sun walked up to me

Sunflower:

After the ice cream convention.

Iris:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

When I found out that I was in love with Sage.

Iris:

Yeah, Sun just walked up to me completely out of the blue one day.

Sage:

Hey, sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but was this not after the car crash that I got in?

Iris:

Yeah, this was pre

Sage:

Pre-convention

Iris:

ice cream convention.

Sunflower:

Oh it was wasn't?

Iris:

Oh yeah 100% it was.

Sunflower:

Shit OK, nevermind sorry.

Iris:

Yeah, no it's totally fine.

Sunflower:

That was definitely it yeah. So Sage got in a car accident and calledwas I the first person you called? Second?

Sage:

I think it was insurance, parents, and then you.

Sunflower:

Yeah, okay. But Sage was in the hospital.

Sage:

I was fine, for the record. I might have had a mild concussion, but that was the worst of it.

Sunflower:

But Sage early into all of this stuff after calling, you know, their parents and the insurance company, the logical people you call after a car accident, calls his Assistant Manager from work. And we talked for an hour about like, making sure that he was alright and that he had his laptop and that his laptop was okay. And like, ask me about the priorities here. I put like, I was like, Oh, don't worry about the store. I'll figure it out. We'll whatever, whatever. And like, I don't know, there was just something about that conversation that really hit different.

Iris:

Yeah. And after, this is after years of every, all of the little kids we co-parented that are running around running Hell with us. Everybody always was like, Someday, Sun and Sage, they're gonna get married, and it's gonna be great. Everybody shipped them very hard, but they were like, They're perfect together, they're the ultimate power couple, we love them. So for so long, everybody was like very much so wanting that to happen for them because they thought it would make them happy. And all of a sudden, one day like, we're just in the ice cream store. We're just doing our normal shift, Sun is going about

Sunflower:

We were at hippie Hell.

Iris:

No?

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Iris:

We were at hippie Hell! Right, at that point it

Sunflower:

I was doing, I was doing fruit and vegetable inventory.

Iris:

Yeah, so you were doing inventory. That was the specific part I remembered was you were doing, you were doing inventory, and I was just helping customers and stuff. And in a brief lull between customers, when you came up to do like, the fridge right by the, the front, you just turned to me completely out of the blue. And went, I think I'm in love with Sage, and then walked away as if you hadn't just shattered my entire worldview. As if it wasn't something we all had wanted for so long, and you just like went back to inventorying. Just like immediately.

Sunflower:

Yeah, I don't really know what was like actually going through my head at that moment and everything, but I think it was like, I was really overcome with like, a lot of things going on at that moment and everything too. And I was like, This is kind of a problem. But it's happening all of a sudden. Yeah, I don't know. And also, like, I needed to finish inventory. Gonna have a, gotta order fruit, you know? For the

Foxglove:

Customer service.

Sage:

Gotta prioritize.

Iris:

Yeah. No, it was just, it was just a really funny moment, it's a moment I go back to in our relationship a lot, of just this moment of like, I was often like a person you really came to, even before we started dating, and like, we've always been, like, really close confidants of each other. But it was just, it was such a, it was such a good moment of you just like, walking up dropping a huge revelation and just walking back and doing inventory.

Sunflower:

That's how I like to do emotional conversations.

Sage:

Drive-by?

Sunflower:

Minimal eye contact, don't have to look at the person for too long, and then I leave. Can we take a poll? Do we think we actually answered this question?

Foxglove:

We have no idea. Okay. Well, Nani, hit us up, tell us if we answered this question, please.

Iris:

We tried our best. We did give our anniversary it's November 9th.

Foxglove:

We were very cute while we didn't answer this question.

Sunflower:

Honestly that's what's important, right?

Sage:

I mean, I think

Foxglove:

Yeah, we were adorable.

Sage:

I feel like we did answer this though. Because we respond to ice cream and customer service like it's mood lighting and romantic music because this is how we all bonded. This is how we all met.

Foxglove:

It's also because it's a trial by fire.

Sage:

And yeah, that. And that.

Sunflower:

And we're a team, and that relateshonestly, be a team. In your relationship, be a goddamn team. I can't tell you how many times that has come in handy with literally everything. Trying to move, making dinner, fighting, like every time you have disagreements and everything like, it always comes back to it that we're, we're a team. We're always on the same side. And we're always working towards a common goal. And like, it really does. It helps frame everything. We're really into our relationship, if you can't tell yet.

Foxglove:

We just like each other

Sunflower:

We love talking about it! And if you want to know more things, you should ask us!

Foxglove:

Absolutely!

Sunflower:

Yeah. Let us know.

Sage:

Give us a whole pile of questions.

Iris:

Yeah, we hope you've enjoyed this like, I hope this was a good format, I know we normally, this is like kind of a changeup from our normal thing but um, we wanted to

Foxglove:

These won't be too common, probably.

Iris:

No, we'll probably try to, whenever we have a huge backlog of questions we don't want to take forever. Yeah well I mean we'll see how many questions we get on a normal basis.

Sunflower:

I mean also, like, if y'all really like this, then we'll do it.

Iris:

We want to do it more. Yeah. So like, let us know what you think about whether or not we should do all question episodes. Every once in a while. If you'd like that.

Sunflower:

Yeah. Leave us a comment on a podcast listening app. That would be awesome. Super cool.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Iris:

Or shoot us an email.

Sunflower:

Or shoot us an email, either way.

Foxglove:

On that subject, do we want to do the outro which has all of our contact options?

Iris:

Yes.

Sunflower:

Here's how you can let us know if you liked things. All right, that's been us, the Quaple. As always a big thank-you to Molly ofgeography for the use of her song Hanahaki(Bloom) for our music. Come find us on Twitter or Instagram at atwr_podcast, on Tumblr at quaple-network, or even by ema l at quaplenetwork@gmail.com. To s us a question or an advice top c, we love hearing from you. And of course, go ahead and check ut our Patreon at atwrpodcast if you want to tip Fox for their am zing editing work. If you lo e our podcast, please share wi h your friends and leave a co ment wherever you listen. And as always remember, we believe in you

Quaple Network:

Bye!