Death to Life podcast
#128 Overcoming Anxiety and Finding Freedom in Faith: Lillian rejects the lies.
Summary: Discover the remarkable journey of Lilian Loza – born in El Salvador, raised in Jersey City – who found salvation through the gospel. Overcoming anxiety, Lilian's story showcases the power of God. Her story highlights fearlessness, forgiveness, and solace. Her narrative isn't solely about conquering anxiety; it's a radiant testament of faith guiding towards liberation. Prepare for inspiration from her adversity-shaped, faith-redeemed life.
View more resources on our website!
Timestamps:
0:00 - Anxiety and Freedom
10:35 - College Life and Seeking God's Guidance
22:44 - Friendship Loss and Finding Purpose
36:30 - Life-Changing Revelation and Transformation
44:10 - Overcoming Anxiety Through the Gospel
52:50 - Liberation From Anxiety Through the Gospel
Keywords: Gospel, salvation, anxiety, faith, Romans 6, marriage, adversity, pandemic, homeschooling, forgiveness, liberation, inspiration.
Looking for discipleship and fellowship? Join a Circle at lovereality.org/circles
Summary: Discover the remarkable journey of Lilian Loza – born in El Salvador, raised in Jersey City – who found salvation through the gospel. Overcoming anxiety, Lilian's story showcases the power of God. Her story highlights fearlessness, forgiveness, and solace. Her narrative isn't solely about conquering anxiety; it's a radiant testament of faith guiding towards liberation. Prepare for inspiration from her adversity-shaped, faith-redeemed life.
View more resources on our website!
Timestamps:
0:00 - Anxiety and Freedom
10:35 - College Life and Seeking God's Guidance
22:44 - Friendship Loss and Finding Purpose
36:30 - Life-Changing Revelation and Transformation
44:10 - Overcoming Anxiety Through the Gospel
52:50 - Liberation From Anxiety Through the Gospel
Keywords: Gospel, salvation, anxiety, faith, Romans 6, marriage, adversity, pandemic, homeschooling, forgiveness, liberation, inspiration.
Looking for discipleship and fellowship? Join a Circle at lovereality.org/circles
Death to Life is brought to you by Love, Reality, a good gospel ministry. Our mission is to tell everyone willing to listen that in Christ, by faith, they are free from sin. Everything that we make is made possible because of the generosity of people like you. Thank you.
Speaker 2:The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 3:My anxiety just blew up and I was still just scared of leaving the house. I was getting sick a lot and I finally had to ask for medical leave. So I went to my study Bible and I read Romans 6. And I'm crying and I'm like how is this possible? This has been in my Bible this whole time. So that's all she told me. That's all she told me. And she prayed over me and she said if you need anything, I'm here for you, you are free, and I believed it.
Speaker 2:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with my sister, lilian, and this is a story about anxiety, a story of panic, and how God has set her free from that, and so we won't step on it anymore. Buckle up, strap in Love y'all, appreciate y'all. Here's Lilian Loza. How familiar are you with the Death to Life podcast?
Speaker 3:Pretty familiar. I've listened to a lot of them. I binge listened.
Speaker 2:What episode sticks out in your mind as oh man, eddie and Jailas, is that the first one you listen to?
Speaker 3:Those yeah, those were the first ones, and then Will's story.
Speaker 2:Will Murphy.
Speaker 3:Don't tell me what kind of stood out, except that he was a good guy. You know what I'm saying. And that stuck out to me because I've always been a good girl and I was like oh, and then the whole thing of everyone saying I'm free and I'm like what is this? That everyone is saying that they're free, what are they free from? So it was very intriguing to me.
Speaker 2:So how did you hear the first one? Is this later on? Is this a part of your story?
Speaker 3:I started listening to this because of Eddie's story, because I went to school with Eddie and Jaila and so I listened to that podcast of his story. And then, was it the week after that was Jailas, or was it a couple of weeks?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was the week after.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that one surprised me even more. That's what everybody says.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's how we get you. So let me ask you this when did you grow up?
Speaker 3:In Jersey. So I was born in El Salvador, but at the age of five I went to Jersey and that's where I grew up Jersey City, the city girl.
Speaker 2:Jersey City. That sounds like not a safe place. Is that not a safe place?
Speaker 3:It's not at all. No, but man, now that I look back, we were protected.
Speaker 2:You can see the World Trade Center from Jersey City right.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Man.
Speaker 3:Liberty State Park. It's right there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what was that like?
Speaker 3:That's all I knew. It was fine. I was a city girl. When I came to Southern I had a really heavy Jersey accent. I've lost it now, but what did that sound like? I don't know. Give me an example, I can't. It's just how I talked.
Speaker 2:Say water.
Speaker 3:Oh, I don't even remember that. That was a long time ago.
Speaker 2:So you went right from New Jersey to Southern. Then, Like you went, where'd you go to high school? Did you go to public school out there?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I went to a small Adventist school in Waldwick, new Jersey, and I went there my freshman and sophomore year of high school and that's where I tasted my first shot of anything. Isn't that bizarre. I went to public school all my life except for that. It's terrible that I have that memory.
Speaker 2:But you went to public school your whole life until high school and then you went to two years of Academy where you started getting drunk every time. You just planted.
Speaker 3:No, that's not part of my story.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's go back a little further. Where do you feel like your spiritual life story starts, like with spiritual things?
Speaker 3:I got baptized at the age of nine, so I was nine years old in adventures, and that's where I made a choice for Jesus, right, but the God that I knew then was I was just doing all these things to get His acceptance. So it was different, but that's how it was for me growing up.
Speaker 2:How did you get God's acceptance? What do you have to?
Speaker 3:do you know, my mom always encouraged me to sing up front, and I took piano lessons for a couple of years too. So it was about using my talents for the Lord, and so my mom always highly encouraged me to do that. But I was so, so, so shy, so shy, and so it was really hard for me to go out from. But I had a really good friend that also sang with me, and so we both would just sing sometimes, and so I just my mom would always. I was always waiting for that praise from her and then I was okay. So I'm good with God. God must be happy with me when I sing up front. And then, as I became a teenager, I started leading out, like in AWACS, like programs and things like that. I never really preached, but more organizing and singing. That was a lot of what I did, but I never really studied the Bible. That I can remember.
Speaker 2:How did you feel about yourself Like?
Speaker 3:I was just a regular girl, I don't know.
Speaker 2:You know you just like pretty secure in who you were.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I grew up with my mom and dad, so I was confident, very quiet. Never did I see myself as a leader by all means. But I was a good girl. I liked to follow the rules and so I was just. I loved going to church and listening to the stories, like you're saying, and all of that. So, yeah, it was a good childhood.
Speaker 2:Awesome. We hear a lot about the bad childhoods and that doesn't help, but it's also. The enemy doesn't need much help, does he? Your parents can be amazing parents, and we've had people on here who have tough childhoods. And then we have amazing parents and the enemy doesn't care. He's just going to lie and eventually, through the world or through whatever. So you, you're going to public school, living in Jersey City.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was a day school and so I would. It wasn't like overnight or anything, but it was. It was good, I had just gotten contacts. So I was super, super nerdy with the big old glasses. That was the thing back in the nineties. So going to high school, that was the first time I got rid of my glasses and so I started getting noticed by boys and so then that was like my new thing is like I want to attract the boys. That was never a thing before, and so, yeah, that was the thing. That's when I had more crushes and things like that.
Speaker 2:All right, how'd that go? Was that fun?
Speaker 3:It was fun for me. Yes, but that's my. I was obviously very conservative household and so I wasn't allowed to do anything or talk to anyone. We didn't have cell phones back then. You know how that was. So it was fun to get attention from boys, and I would get into a lot of trouble for kissing them. How did?
Speaker 2:anyone find out, you would tell your mom.
Speaker 3:Oh, you don't even know, Richard. I remember one camping trip I had like Hispanic camp meeting type of thing, because of a shadow. My mother saw me kissing a boy a shadow. She was always like I pray so much for you. God's always going to tell me when you're doing things. You know what I'm saying. So through seriously, and it was bad, I would kiss boys at church and they didn't even have to be my boyfriend. So while a little bit ago you asked me how I felt about myself, I was a very confident girl, but I was seeking something clearly right.
Speaker 2:How do Hispanic mothers know? Like the first time I kissed somebody, my mom was like she just knew automatically she's got me in trouble. She's like how do you know? Because I know everything.
Speaker 3:I'm like oh my God, it's true. I mean, it probably saved me from a lot of things, but anyway, that was the fun thing to do in high school. And then, because that school didn't go, only one till 10th grade then, I had to go to a public school and it was a big high school, dickinson High School. It was huge and a lot of bad things happened there and so they were very scared. I had to take the bus. That's how it is, it's city life. So I went to that high school, but I would eat lunch all by myself. I was so quiet. Everyone had their friends already. But then these girls that I went to grammar school with, they remembered me and they adopted me. They just took. They were popular girls, they were nice and they were good girls. They were cool, but they weren't into drugs or any of that stuff, which is what my parents are so afraid of.
Speaker 2:Were you ever tempted with drugs?
Speaker 3:No, never.
Speaker 2:Just partying a little bit, like maybe drinking, but not drugs.
Speaker 3:I tasted that one thing and it was disgusting. So not really All. I was interested. I wanted to go out on dates with boys. That's what I wanted. I was searching for that love, for the romance, but I wasn't allowed to go on dates, so I had to. I finally got a job, probably my junior year, and I would have to lie that I was working or things like that, to go on a date in Hoboken. Have you ever been to Hoboken? It's a small town in Jersey.
Speaker 2:I've heard of it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it has a good view of the city too, so that's where I worked, and so I had to do a lot of lying to do, though that's all I was seeking, though.
Speaker 2:Did your mom find out that time?
Speaker 3:Not all the times.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, but now as an adult.
Speaker 3:I'll tell her. I've told her already.
Speaker 2:Hey mom, remember when I told you I was going to go to work, I went out on a date. Yeah. I didn't like him though. So then, when you're getting out of high school, what was the plan?
Speaker 3:So we went to a bunch of colleges and went to AUCC. They wanted me to go to an Adventist school. I'm pretty sure I also applied to Rutgers though, which is the local one there. So that was my backup plan. But I didn't want to stay in Jersey. I knew that. I hated the busyness of city life. I didn't want to live at my parents' house anymore. It was too conservative. I just wanted out. I was fed up, because the little bit I did want to do with the youth at church, I wasn't even allowed to do that. I wanted to go bowling. That was a thing when I was a teenager and I wasn't even allowed to do that, because bad things happen at bowling alleys. Absolutely, they do. So, anyway, I just wanted to leave home, so I applied. I think I was going to go to AUCC and then in July because Southern does this thing where if you come visit they give you a hotel for free, and we had friends that had moved to Tennessee so we're like, oh, let's get a free hotel, do the tour of the school and we'll go visit, it's fine. So we came in July and we ended up loving it. I came with my best friend and my parents and we loved Southern.
Speaker 2:Southern is a school in Tennessee, right Chattanooga Tennessee.
Speaker 3:Yep, Collegedale, Tennessee. I was a lay applicant and I was like, oh, it's even further away from home. Sure, I'll take it.
Speaker 2:What did your parents pump about that?
Speaker 3:Not that it was the most conservative, so they were pumped about that part. I don't know if you ever visited CUC. You're from the West, right.
Speaker 2:Oh, I've been everywhere. When I was a recruiter I'd go to a lot of places. Oh right, right, yeah, and CUC is right in Tacoma Park, like in the city. They might have been more nervous about that than Southern off in the country.
Speaker 3:Maybe that would have been bad for me too. That's what I was seeking college life. I wanted the party life. Now that I really did, what?
Speaker 2:does that mean I wanted to drink and party? You did want to drink and party.
Speaker 3:I did. I had never done it, but that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to rebel. That was my plan. Yeah, that didn't really happen.
Speaker 2:Why didn't it happen?
Speaker 3:I came to Southern and I met Jose like the first day of school, probably at the cafeteria.
Speaker 2:The first day of school.
Speaker 3:I'm pretty sure my parents were still here. He came up and introduced because he's from Jersey too, so he's just chatting them up and I'm like, oh, this guy's friendly, but I didn't want a boyfriend. So we were friends for a while. Was he a freshman? No, he was transfer. Okay. He transferred in from yeah, but he had already done the party thing. So he was coming to Southern to start over and I wanted to do the party thing. I don't know. I think I put him in my path because we didn't really do any of the party. We went to the movies, we went bowling, just normal college things, and then I did get into drinking a little bit, but it wasn't too bad.
Speaker 2:Was it all that it was cracked up to be?
Speaker 3:No, I didn't feel good, no.
Speaker 2:No didn't live up to the hype but.
Speaker 3:I was curious, though I was so curious, I tried it and so, yeah, that was college and it was fun. I did my Little bit of partying and I got a little bit of that out of my system, but almost safely, because I don't know what it was always with Jose, so it wasn't like I was out there solo how I don't know. God protected me from when I look back, because my, that was not my plan.
Speaker 2:So, as you're becoming your own, you're an adult, your own person. Who's God at this point in your life?
Speaker 3:When I came to Southern it was the same. I Hear so many stories of people and all the Bible studies that they went to at Southern and stuff. I don't think I ever did that and that's really sad to say, but that's the reality. That's not what I was looking for and so the Vespers were great. I enjoyed a big community of young people, the music I was. My eyes were open to so much beautiful music that I was never exposed to before, so I love the worship part of it. I did like that.
Speaker 2:Were you? So you had met all these people. You really liked the Environment. You liked the singing. What was your? What was the plan for your life, were you? How soon were you? Like? Me and Jose are gonna get married.
Speaker 3:We dated for a half years before he popped the question so or a half year longer. Yes, all through college for me, basically. And there was a breakup in there somewhere Because I was like, okay, this has been a long time. If you're not ready for this, then that's it. So I didn't do an ultimatum. That's not what it was. But then we got back together in a month later. He proposed he just had to make up his mind. Maybe I don't know, that's a different story, but God was just a guy that loved me, but I didn't really have a relationship with him right. Not yet.
Speaker 2:So you get out of college. How soon are you getting married? What's the plan?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I got married. I graduated in 05 and we got married in 07. It was pretty quickly. I but man, I was not prepared, with all the debt that I took on, to go to Southern. So once everything, we were in the real world and, of course, because I decided to stay here, I got a job at Southern. I've been working at Southern since 06 and I've been there for a really long time and I love working for them. But it was hard to pay the bills. Jose took a little longer to finish school and so he was still in school and Things were tight and that's when I got my first panic attack. We had been married maybe a year and I don't know if you've ever experienced a panic attack, but I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was going back to work, I was at lunch. I have always lived very close to Southern, so I always just would go home for lunch and I was on my way back and I just felt heart Appetitions and I got really sweaty. So I get to work and that's. You know how it is working for an Adventist place. I was really good friends with a lot of people, so I'm like I think we have to call 911. Am I having a heart attack? And we were, a lot of us were, two of us were psych majors. So she was like, I think you're having a panic attack and I'm like, what about what? I Wasn't worried.
Speaker 2:What had you been thinking about right before then, or what was going on that day? Do you remember?
Speaker 3:I don't remember, but it was financial, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure it was. So I laid at that time it was summer and we were working in the dorms because they were renovating our offices and so we were, and so they were mattresses, and so she had me laid down on a mattress for a little bit and then she sent me home and that's when I cracked open my Bible for the first time. I had a really nice view in my apartment and it was right next to the railroad tracks is the only bad thing, but it was a beautiful view and that's the first time I opened my Bible and I just I was just Clamoring to God what is this that I'm feeling? What is going on? Help me. I was asking him for help. That's the first time, I think I directly. I had a prayed before. I always prayed for my food, those sort of things, but not this felt different. So I started doing that a little bit more often. Like as far as sitting outside, I really enjoyed sitting outside and Reading and trying, but I never really got a response back, not at least that I remember at that point. Mm-hmm. I think during this season of my life we were doing having a lot of house parties, so we were the married couple and I think we had a lot of other married couples, so we would have a lot of parties at the house. We've always been good hosts, so I was in and out of church. I would go to church, but Friday nights I was doing something different. It was that life, and so I was really trying to get this response. I'd always been. I've always loved testimonies which is, I think, why I'm drawn to these podcasts but I never thought I would have a testimony of my own Because I didn't do drugs. I wasn't like, I wasn't that far gone. You know what I'm saying. I was like I'm never gonna have a testimony, but I was clamoring Lord, what is it? Nothing really Changed that I can remember. But then we had Julian. I got pregnant in 2010 with Julian my oldest. Having kids really changes you and we started wanting to go to church more because we would have missed some Sabbaths. So we started going to church more and we were church hopping. There's a lot of churches here in Chattanooga and we found a small church called impact and we knew a few people, but we were drawn to this really small community because they always missed us when we didn't go and they would text, text us and hey, where have you guys been? Come back right. So I was like, oh man, this is nice. I wanted Julian to have all the Bible stories, all that positive stuff I had in my upbringing. I wanted my son to have that. So we started going to church a little more religiously. Then we got pregnant with Bella. They're about 22 months apart, so two years later we got pregnant with Bella. I don't remember having a lot of panic attacks, it was just that one isolated incident and then that's it. We had Bella. That was a really hard pregnancy for me. I was sick a lot, I couldn't. I think I gained 11 pounds in that pregnancy.
Speaker 2:Is that a lot? I don't know.
Speaker 3:No, that's not. I think healthy is like 25 Plus, but I only gained 11.
Speaker 2:I was a little overweight before my pregnancy with her, but um I well, you had just had a baby before that, not too long.
Speaker 3:But I couldn't keep anything down. It was a hard pregnancy on me, but then I had. We had our baby girl and I'm still working at Southern. And then when I come back to work after my maternity leave, they offer me a promotion and. So I was working, I work in the financial aid office and and I that surprised me because I never saw myself as a leader, but at work I had already been moving into things. I'm a really hard worker and so I became the associate director. So I'm the right hand man to my boss, and so I had this opportunity of growth at work, because I really wanted to stay home after Julian. I was like, oh, how can we make this work? But but I have a good job and. I'm a woman, I work and I should be climbing the ladder, like all these things that people were telling me that I should do and so. So yeah, would you? But I was happy. I got this promotion. I was super happy, went back to work, I got my masters.
Speaker 2:Was life going the way you wanted it, with all the kids, and the way you were Progressing and going up the ladder? Is that what you wanted? What was the goal in your mind?
Speaker 3:No, I think. I think I always wanted to make my parents proud and that's something that I could do is moving up the ladder, was getting my degree, all these things and, and so, because it was making people happy, I was doing it and I think I was happy in part because I was successful, but I wasn't at peace and and you know how it is having really young kids, so I was. That was just a very exhausting part of my life, having those young kids working hard. Leadership is different, like managing a group of people, and I was just being stretched in a lot of different ways During that time of my life because we were still at church. I lost a lot of friendships through different reasons, I think changing, I Don't know changing interests and stuff like that and I went through a really lonely time in my life when I felt like I didn't have friends.
Speaker 2:So it made me say God More isn't that funny, like when you're in college, your freshman year, you meet somebody in college writing one and you're just like we're gonna be friends forever and you think you're gonna have all these friends. And then you graduate, you get older, you get married and you're like you're blessed if you have two friends. So you were getting lonely and so that led to more searching.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I was still going to this church impact and I got asked to be an elder and I had never considered that before and I'm like, well, I'm not ready. I'm still having a cup of wine here and there, what don't? I can't be, I can't do that, I'm not ready. And this person, an elder, at the church, he was like you're ready now he. I was like I need to pray about this and I was like I wear jewelry. That was a big thing too, right. I was like I wear jewelry. I feel like I need to leave all these things before I, you know. And, um, finally I prayed about it and I accepted to be elder. And so I was like what does this mean? I had so many questions, but it was just something I was doing for God, because if God put someone in my path to ask me to do something for him, there wasn't a really big reason for me to say no. So I said yes To being an elder, which was a good thing. I started feeling promptings of the Holy Spirit. There was a time where I was physically not feeling well stomach issues. After my pregnancy with Bella, it changed GI stuff for me and sorry, this is TMI, but I was having really bad periods and so obviously I was taking care of all that, but anyway, that led me to have a hysterectomy. So I thought it was all physical things, but I think a lot of the emotional things that I was dealing with. I think I had been anxious for years, but I did end up having a hysterectomy in 2019 because of the anxiety that led to your body kind of Manifesting stuff. I think so a lot of the GI stuff for sure, because during my pregnancy with Bella, when I was eight months pregnant, jose got fired from his job and it was. We had two young kids. We had to just kind of switch. I don't know that was a big. A lot of things happen there with Jose's shift and work and responsibilities, and I was eight months. I'm a go-getter and we just keep going forward. So I was not. We would handle that between me and Jose. We wouldn't involve family or anything like that. Anyway, yeah, I think a lot of the anxiety has Been what's affected my stomach. I'm off of gluten and soya and dairy now.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right, we talked about this.
Speaker 3:So the poop was asked for, like you got to take that pill yes, but anyway, the hysterectomy is a side thing, but I was when you don't feel well, it's terrible. And so I was again like just clamoring to God. I was like, lord, what is happening? What is his period shouldn't be this bad. But it ended up being a bunch of stuff and they just had to get it out and we were done with kids anyway, so it was fine. So, yeah, when I was healing from my surgery it's I've I had felt the Holy Spirit, heard, whatever, that is One once it was. I was at a club and I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to get out, and I know my mom appraise for me, but I remember feeling a really strong feeling and I think we even left early. I couldn't handle it. Anyway, I'm not a preacher, but when I was healing from my surgery, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me that I needed to share my story up until that point. So, since I was just sitting on a bed, first six and eight, or six to eight weeks, I think, I started writing something. So after that was the first time that I preached. Oh, and then we're leading to 2020. 2020, when everything happened Was so relieved that we were stuck at home Because it had Saturdays had gotten so busy for me again. I think I was head elder during that time and I was just relieved to not go to church, to not have so many meetings. Now You're the head elder, yeah would your mom?
Speaker 2:how would your mom and dad feel about that?
Speaker 3:Oh, they were very proud of me.
Speaker 2:That's what's up. Yeah 2020, the worldwide pandemic and the yeah, remember, the worldwide pandemic. Who doesn't?
Speaker 3:I was so happy to be home and Because I was exhausted and overwhelmed and that is when I truly got to know my children and I seriously that's so sad to say, but I think that's because I had so much time I was like this is great, jose had been the one to raise our kids when they were really little. Mm-hmm. And now that we were home and I was helping them, it was great they're nice, I like them. So, we finished nice, so nice. So that was in March, right? So the next school year we decided to homeschool. Then, because you know how that online school was, it was bizarre. I was like that's terrible. I had never considered homeschool, though, because kids that were homeschooled were weird and I didn't want my kids to be weird.
Speaker 2:That is not true, by the way, not you. Who is listening? Who's homeschooling your child? Your child is cool. It's the rest of them.
Speaker 3:No, that was not a real thing, that I was, anyway. So we decided to homeschool. I was still working full-time, jose, and I split it up. It was great. I loved being with my kids and being able to teach them and being home. I was getting to work from home now. It was great. So the moment that we had to go back to the office, that junk sucked.
Speaker 2:Yes, you have more. Did you have a panic attack?
Speaker 3:That's when the anxiety came back. I was fine during the pandemic. I wasn't that freaked out about it, but when we started to have to go back out I was like, oh, that's when it hit me.
Speaker 2:Did you get COVID during the pandemic Did? The middle of it. No. Man. So you're like I'm about to go to work and get it. What was the anxiety about?
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was about everything, Richard. I think everything just hit me at once. I was just scared, because now there are more shootings, there's more of everything happening. So I think I was just scared of everything and I couldn't control it. Hmm because I had to go back out and work. So I sucked it up and I went to work, but then I started getting penned, then I started getting panic attacks again and Because of that my stomach got more messed up. I think it just, and so I thought I was sick. I was like, okay, now what? Now what's wrong? Went back to doctors. There's nothing wrong with me. Now what happened? January of 2022?
Speaker 2:So you're just living with this anxiety for a while, then yeah, I wasn't even going to therapy.
Speaker 3:I don't even think, and I was a psych major. I believed in therapy. I don't know why I didn't go. I don't have a really good reason.
Speaker 2:Um, did you know I am an anxious person? Were you like owning it like, yes, this is who I am, I'm dealing with this anxiety. Or were you just dealing with anxiety and not labeling that just what is going on?
Speaker 3:No, it was quiet. I think me and maybe Jose knew. Maybe if I had a girlfriend at that time they knew, but not I was an openly sharing that People didn't need to know that but you were aware completely, this is my life right now. Yeah, I was yeah, and so I think it was years of in, years of it just building up and then, in January of 2022, my aunt got diagnosed with cancer and I had never lost anyone close to me before, and so the the idea and it was terminal cancer, there was nothing they could do. This was January and that was really hard, like the anticipation of it. Was the worst part, right. So that's really when it got worse in January, when all that happened. We went to visit her in april. Seeing her was hard. Obviously, during the pandemic she had moved from jersey to florida and so she was a little closer. So we went to visit her. That was our first trip during after covet, I think, is to go see her. It was hard to see her sick. Anyway, my anxiety just blew up and I was still just scared of leaving the house. And now I'm scared of losing my aunt, because what am I gonna do? I was calling out of work a lot and I was getting sick a lot and I finally had to ask for medical leave. I thought I was gonna end up in uh, what is it called? Umani koumyo? Why can't I think of it in English?
Speaker 2:I don't know like a mental hospital.
Speaker 3:Yes, I really did. I was like if they call me and like she was in and out of the hospital. So every phone call if I was at work I would just rush home. Why that would help, I don't know. It's not like she's here, but I was a mess. I couldn't handle Anything. Everything was very overwhelming for me.
Speaker 2:And did you think it was a rational like you running home to take a phone call from your aunt. Did you think or were you like, this is irrational, but I have to do it because this is how I can cope with it? I wasn't.
Speaker 3:I wasn't thinking about what was rational, it's just what I had to do, and because I had been there for so long, they're like yeah, go, it's fine. No one questioned me about it. So I just thought it was fine and I finally had to ask. I had to go on medical leave. I was like what are my options here? So I looked into fmla, I talked to my doctors, I got a therapist and all that, and so I started going to therapy To figure out where all this was coming from, and obviously it was a lot of things. So I went part-time for couple of months During this leave and so I was focusing on myself.
Speaker 2:What is the? What were you finding out? Like what were you finding out?
Speaker 3:I was finding out many things from all these self-help books.
Speaker 2:But what even the therapy like? Did the therapist help?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I had to switch therapists once, but, yes, once I found her, she was able to. Obviously, it helped me through the panic attacks, making sure that I could make it to work safely, and then she was basically giving me affirmations to tell myself so similar to the truths we tell ourselves now. But I was learning that through therapy. What are affirmations? How are you actually feeling? You're not dying, right? You don't have COVID, you're not sick. So I was constantly repeating to myself I'm okay right now, nothing is wrong, so I have nothing to worry. But it was a lot of work. I was exhausted. I was in bed about seven. I had no energy for the kids. It was terrible to think about that time of my life and August 23 of last year, so we're almost at the one year mark. I don't know when Jayla and Eddie's episode came out.
Speaker 2:I think it came out in August. I think it was around August, if I'm remembering correctly. Oh, it's on the top of a year that has been out. It doesn't feel like it feels like much longer than that, huh.
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, I listened to Eddie's podcast just out of curiosity, and then I was intrigued, and then the following week it was Jayla's and I was like, oh yeah, what was Jayla's perspective?
Speaker 2:But it was so you just heard sorry, I'm interested, like someone had just sent in or you saw it on Facebook that there was this podcast. You had never heard about it before and you're like, and you had heard about Eddie from before, or was this all news to you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I had heard that something had happened with Eddie, but I didn't have any information. I hadn't kept in touch with him or Jayla. Jose talked to Jayla more because they played basketball and she was always real nice, that's how it was. So I was intrigued and then, when Jayla's story came out, I was like, oh, I should hear her story. How did she feel about all this? And that's the one that really got me. I was like, oh, my goodness, that is amazing. My God could choose not.
Speaker 2:Okay, we want to take a quick break from the episode right now and I want to introduce you to my friend, savannah. Savannah, how long have you been rocking with Good Gospel?
Speaker 1:I don't know exactly, but I think like two and a half years, I'd say.
Speaker 2:How'd you come across it?
Speaker 1:My friend Jay Koo.
Speaker 2:Justin Koo.
Speaker 1:Yes, he had lived a real life. And then he kept telling me to get on Love Reali Bible studies and it took me forever and I finally did. And the first time I went through Wave 1, my life was changed.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow, what would you say? Your experience with Good Gospel, how has it changed your life? In a real quick, like you know, mid-roll, we're just talking about this real quick. I know you have a whole episode where you talk about it, but yeah, what would you say?
Speaker 1:Probably the biggest thing is living unafended. I didn't know that I could live not being bothered by people and like unafended, that I can walk in forgiveness at all times, no matter how people treat me, just seeing people rightly for who they are, no matter what they do, and knowing that everyone's made in the image of God.
Speaker 2:So yeah, that's a pretty powerful revelation and paradigm shift right that now you don't see them for the offense, you see them for who they actually are.
Speaker 1:Yes, that was what hit me on night. Two talking about forgiveness, because I was struggling with forgiveness and I was asking what I needed to do to forgive, and then they were just talking about how I already have that because I've been forgiven. Now I get to release that same forgiveness to others and change my life, man.
Speaker 2:Amazing. So you've even gone a step further and you and your family, you guys donate to keep these podcasts going. Why is it so important to you that you guys have decided to support financially?
Speaker 1:Well, freely we've received, so now we freely give and we've received so much through the Holy Spirit, working through love, reality and it means the world to my husband and I, and so it makes sense. It's a no brainer to donate and it's like awesome just to get to see other people's lives change through the same avenue of the podcast and Bible studies and all of it.
Speaker 2:Wow. So we're like, yeah, and we want to encourage you. If you have that burden on your heart, if you want to see these podcast episodes, keep going out and have us keep producing them. We would love if you donated to the that's A Life podcast so that we could keep doing this thing. It does cost money and people like Savannah, people like you, can be a part of moving this thing forward. Thank you so much, savannah. We appreciate you, not just for the donation, but you're a part of our lives. You're a part of my church. We are the body of Christ and just me seeing you, the way you live your life through trials, through whatever, it's such a huge testimony to me. So thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Yep Praise the Lord.
Speaker 3:I was amazed that God could do all that. And then they all of the verbiage of being free and the peace, all those things that I was looking for. Right, because I was looking for purpose during the season of my life. What's my purpose? What should I be doing? Why? Because I was on medical leave. What am I doing? And then I would go on a lot of walks. Right, because exercise is supposed to be good for you when you're dealing with mental health. So that's what I was doing. So I had a podcast to listen to. Now, because I added the Death to Life podcast on my Amazon thingy.
Speaker 2:As you should.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Naturally.
Speaker 3:You always say Apple stuff, but not everyone has Apple.
Speaker 2:What do you listen to it on Spotify?
Speaker 3:Amazon, Amazon music.
Speaker 2:You listen to podcasts on Amazon music.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I have it saved there because we pay for that, and so I just have it. That's all I.
Speaker 2:I don't have a thing with Spotify. Shout out to Amazon for spreading the gospel.
Speaker 3:So I never know how to give you a rating, because you always say that for Apple.
Speaker 2:You have to go to Apple and do it. You don't have an Apple phone.
Speaker 3:Correct. So give me an option and I would rate you. Okay, that's a sidebar, but you should make that happen. Anyways, back to where were we?
Speaker 2:So you're on walks, you're listening to podcasts with Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 3:And so then I listened to Will's episode. That one left me thinking, and so, just hearing his story of what God did, and again, the freedom, I'm like what the heck is this freedom? I want it, I wanted peace. So bad, that's all I was praying for. I was like, lord, give me peace, lord give me peace. And I listened to a few of them. I went back and listened to your friends like from the beginning. I'm sorry I'm blanking on their heads, tyler and Morgan. Yes, that was a powerful one. And, of course, I'm like talking to Jose. I'm like these podcasts are really cool. Well, on August 23, like after I heard Jela's, I messaged her on Instagram and I'm sure I can go to the message. But I said something to her like wow, you're so brave for sharing your part of the story. Thank you for doing that. Like I want that peace that you have. I said something like that and she said now she says this is a miracle because she never has time. But she said do you have time to chat? I am free later. And I said, sure, like I'm free at seven. Like I was desperate. I was working part-time, right, I had time. So she's at the beach. She called we, I call her whatever, and she's at the beach here with the kids, but I think I have time to chat and so I'm just thinking she's checking in with me. We're just going to have a chat. I didn't know I was going to be a Bible study. And she's are you on your phone? All right, so I'm going to go to the speaker and go to the Bible app and go to the ESV version and go to Roman six. I'm like, okay, and as we're going through this and I don't know. Something is clicking about Roman six for me specifically. And she's asking me questions, right, lily? What is she? Let me talk first about my anxiety about me being the one holding the financial burdens of my home, like just all these things right. And then she tells me about Roman six and how I'm set free from that and, because I have been baptized, god took all those things and I don't have fear. Those are all lies. And then she prayed over me after all that. So we had a little Bible study. I don't know how long the conversation was. We had a Bible study. My mind was blown.
Speaker 2:And what was blown about? What were you? What was different?
Speaker 3:I don't know, except that I believed it honestly, except that I, like it felt personal to me, like Jesus died for me and these sins, something about the way she said it. It was the Holy Spirit. And then she prayed over me and about the lies, right. And then what are the lies that are? And I was like let's fear and control. I think there's one more, and it was not feeling worthy. And because I'm such a confident person, I was very surprised by that one. But there's a difference there. Yeah, that's exactly right. So I come back inside and I didn't believe it. So I went to my study Bible and I read Roman six and I'm crying and I'm like, how is this possible? This has been in my Bible this whole time. So that's all she told me. That's all she told me. And she prayed over me and she said if you need anything, I'm here for you, you are free. And I believed it. And then I just went back to studying on my own and literally went back in and I'm crying, jose, what's going on? And I'm like, look at Roman six. So I'm like trying to repeat everything that she's told me. And so, because I'm like, secretly, a private detective, I go and I just found the waves. And so then I'm like binging on these every night and I love watching TV. So that was my thing prior. But, man, I got into all these waves and I don't know if you've watched how I met your mother when their mind is open to a negative thing like the chewing of the food. Do you have you to watch?
Speaker 2:I haven't seen that no.
Speaker 3:Okay, we'll stop here then. Anyway, I just my understanding of all the things, adam, one, two. I'm like, oh my goodness, the focus has been on the law, it hasn't been on the other part of it, and just all these things. I'm like, yes, yes, this is it, this is it, and it was biblical. And I was so happy that everything was in the Bible that I was learning, and I think Eddie called me a few times and he told me to find a community and I had just joined the Bible study at Southern and he was like that's really good, lily, that's really good, but you need to join our community of. And he had a point. And so I joined the Bible studies and which was the first one you joined yours on.
Speaker 2:Monday night.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Shout out to the people who go to the that's Alive Bible study on Monday night central.
Speaker 3:Yes, that's really good. And then this whole community.
Speaker 2:I remember seeing you on there, yes, and you were shook a little bit, but you were just kind of and I felt like, do I know this person? I thought maybe I know this person, but I don't think I had, and you were just like starting to immerse yourself in it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was raising my hand and I think it's because I was searching for it. I wanted to know how this was it for me. And, yeah, I appreciate everyone that asked me questions and reached out. That's an important part of this is to have a community.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, god became personal for me and it's been beautiful ever since, you know, and I continue to grow through all these Bible studies and through my friendships at church. Having an actual community is important.
Speaker 2:And you guys are the first people that invited me out to actually do something like in person to go to your church earlier this year, and that was a huge blessing for me. Let me ask you this how did this actually affect the anxiety that you were dealing with?
Speaker 3:It took it a completely away. It is gone. I people may think it's because of therapy, but after August 23, while there are moments and feelings which are just feelings, I asked myself a lot of questions why am I feeling like that? What is it? And I will get down to the bottom of it and speak truth over it. And so I'm no longer an anxious person. I haven't had a panic attack for a long time, and so it's completely healed me from that. And then I think I had compartmentalized it for a long time. That got healed me from my anxiety and that was it. But then, when I allowed it to go into everything else, it's just been a learning opportunity for loving on my family and loving on my church. Now, how does this, how does freedom look in all these different places? Because for a long time I was just focusing on how I got healed from anxiety and my panic attacks and all that stuff, because that was the biggest thing that was happening I didn't talk about when my aunt actually died. She died in October first, and I think it's just in the eyes that I'm seeing all this now. I got to spend the last week of her life with her because God gave me that ability and it was such a blessing for me to have that with her. And if I would have been in a different state of mind, I don't think I would have seen that as a blessing. You know what I'm saying. But because I was in a different place. Although it's sad, of course, to lose someone, there's been so many things that have been a blessing after that and we have that hope that I'm going to see her again and all that, and it's not just something we say. Right.
Speaker 2:So what was the root of your anxiety before? It was fear and control and unworthiness, right, yes? So how does the gospel come in and just flip that?
Speaker 3:Oh well, I realized that God, when God sent his son to die on the cross, it was for me specifically, and even before that he created me. So I go back to that verse a lot that he created me so unique and special. So I always thought Christianity had to be boring. So I always wanted to choose God, but I wanted to have fun. And now in this community all the different personalities, like all these beautiful communities we can have fun being Christians. Look how unique all of us are. And so God made me the way I am and I am proud of that. He's using that for his will and so he loves me and I think it's just that realization that I wished I would have known so much sooner, right.
Speaker 2:Are you trying to say that perfect love casts out all fear Is?
Speaker 3:that what you're trying to say In so many words.
Speaker 2:Wow. So let me ask you this If there is someone who's listening to this let's say a mom who's dealing with temptation to control everything and if she doesn't have control, that panic and that fear sets in and so losing control manifests anger and just all of these things, and that leads to anxiety, and then there's fear over her children and whatever the most darkest thing that sometimes pops in to her mind. If you could encourage her in some truth, if you could tell her, if you could pull her aside and say babe, listen, what would you tell her?
Speaker 3:I would tell her that we don't have to worry, because God has done so much for us and, honestly, we have the fruits of the Spirit, and parts of the fruits of the Spirit are self-control and it's peace. We have that right now and speaking that truth over us instead of thinking of all the what-ifs that could happen, that's. What we have to focus on is the truths that are in the Bible and in the Word. Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and so you're a blessing to us. And anxiety that's the name of the game right now. Tuts with people are I don't know if it was before COVID and no one was talking about it, or now that it's after COVID people are just like, yeah, it's a real thing, it is wrecking people's lives and what it is? It's fear, right, it's just the fear of the unknown. What's going to happen. And when the Bible says he will keep the imperfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee because he trusts in thee. Like when we hold on to that verse where it says that we should be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let our request be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Like when we take those seriously, when we feel that anxiety and sometimes we feel it, but go to, like the songwriter says, take it to the Lord in prayer it actually makes us and it doesn't break us Because we see how much he loves us. What about moving forward in the future? Do you feel like God still loves you? Do you feel like your future is? You feel like you're safe?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm safe, I go out there and I'm not scared anymore. And yeah, I'm just walking it out with him by my side. I love it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thanks so much for sharing your story. I appreciate you and I appreciate just seeing you live your life boldly for truth.
Speaker 3:Thank you for your ministry. It's been a blessing to me.
Speaker 2:Praise the Lord man. I really love Lillian's story because it's real. It's not just this thing where oh God loves me, but it doesn't actually manifest in something. No, this has manifested in freedom from anxiety, mom, guilt, panic attacks, and this is what the gospel does. If the gospel is not doing this, then we haven't really heard it. But the gospel is here to set you free. Jesus Christ is a liberator and if you're listening to this and you're struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and you're worried, I just want to pray this for you and just pray this in your mind and your heart. I actually speak it out loud Father, thank you for loving me. Thank you that fear has no power over me. Thank you that perfect love has casted out all fear. Thank you that fear is a lie. Thank you that you've poured your heart into me and that you have actually set me free. I don't know what it means right now, but I believe it because you're a liberator. That's what you do and I believe it In. Jesus' name amen.